Messages

Thanks, MBA. You're so right about needing to get out more and see other people. I do but then my CFS symptoms flare. The combo of the two is like a prison, really, but gotta keep onwards I guess.

Haha that's okay at the language, I'm rather foul-mouthed myself at times.

I dunno, none of those things seem very stupid to me. Just general things that imperfect people do. I think you're being really hard on yourself. You're actually allowed to be imperfect. But I think that is hard for us because when we were imperfect in the past we paid for it. Or else we thought if we could be perfect then everything would be fine. I get disturbed at the amount of self hatred I spew into my own head when my failures feel like they're piling up.

What do you mean when you say you "do stupid things"? Do you mean you do things that sabotage yourself or you do things you don't really want to do and don't do things you really want to do?

I'm not sure what ruth/commiseration means?

I get frustrated with my Aspie partner because he doesn't know what he's feeling. He doesn't know when he's feeling happy, when he's feeling sad, or joyful. And I think like many Aspies his feelings are quite intense. It's not so much that they aren't having emotions but that they struggle to communicate what they are, even to themselves. Im sure this varies among Aspies, and of course many NTs struggle with this too. But I think it's much more pronounced and frustrating with Aspergers. And then you've got sensory issues which make touching and being touched by people a difficult thing sometimes too. Add to that the facial apearance issues which can mean some Aspies look stoney-faced and like they're angry all the time and they really can give a different display of what's going on. My partner's nephew's girlfriend once referred to him as, "Oh, that's the guy who hates everything." And he was hurt by that. But it's an easy assessment to make because that's how he appears. I even struggle to remember it's notmthe case myself.

I have thought and read about Aspergers for the last eight years and with my partner being a suspected Aspie i feel like I've gained some insight into just how hard relationships are for people with Aspergers. They are routinely put down for things which are really important or for symptoms that can be debilitating.  My partner thinks he has PTSD as well, and I wouldn't be surprised. I think life for Aspies is often quite hellish.

Sure. It's complicated and confusing getting your mind around an Aspie. I do wonder if my father is one. It would explain a lot.

That's a bit of a juggling act, isn't it. have to remember that I'm being triggered and yet at the same time remember that even if he wasn't triggering me from a CPTSD perspective there are still things that would trigger me.

Sigh. And then I feel guilty because he tries really hard to be there and to understand and to give me what I need. But sometimes it feels awfully lonely. I need to get out and hang out with other ppl. Thats part of the problem

I sent an email saying please take my name off this loan and I said when I did this I was trying to help but I didn't thineik you would be so irresponsible and dishonest.  I don't think she was ever straightforward with me and for the most part brushed it off.  I said in this email I don't want to hear that you paid or it's their fault or whatever.  Just send me the money and get my name off this disaster.

She emailed back saying I didn't need to pay (!) but she would pay me back (I'm holding my breath) and that it wasn't past due and is on autopay. 

I was so so upset about this and so angry at her. But now I almost feel like the bad guy. Every step of the way in this whole drama it has been like this . I get mad she brushes it off I feel like a crazy person for getting mad.

I feel confused right now and this shouldn't be confusing .

Argh, I am so familiar with this. You are being proactive and looking after yourself and being assertive about the situation in front of continual lies. It sounds to me like you're dealing with it really well.

But then that Inner Critic kicks in and starts belting into you for being angry as if you're overstepping the mark and who the * do you think you are for being angry? Something BAD will happen if you assert yourself and admit you're angry. Or at least that's what goes on with me in those sorts of situations. And meanwhile she's just blatantly denying it. No wonder you're feeling like you're going nuts! Was denial something that was a common behaviour others indulged in in your past?

When I left my ex husband I knew that I was broken and that the problem wasn't him but at the same time part of me felt like it was. When I was single I learned that nothing had changed and I'd still got the same inside mess as before. It was just that now I was miserable but not being triggered.

So I lived by myself for three years and then got involved with my current partner. I felt like I was strong and confident enough now to not fall back into emotional flashbacks, except then I did. My health worsened as well (I have chronic fatigue syndrome) and so here I am once again. When I'm in an EF it feels like my partner is Satan. It seems amazing to me that I have carried arojnd THIS MUCH dread. That poor me, living day after day with my father.

Now my health is improving a bit after three years of being really debilitated. The freedom is more tasty than any drug and sometimes the taste of it makes me want to pack up and run away and never come back. And then I'll have a good few days and all of that stuff recedes and I see my relationship as one I (think I) want to stay in, though he drives me crazy at times (Aspergers, I think).

I just want to be able to be here without not wanting to be here, without catastrophising about everything, without feeling like we will eventually corrode so far there'll  be no return. Part of me wants it to be ended because I know that I will never get into ankther relationship, that they just trigger me too much. Another part of me says I always knew this could happen, that this is my opportunity to really face this stuff down and deal with it. It's just bloody exhausting and depressing, that's all. I want to feel as strong as I did at the start but I don't know if that's possible

I wonder if we can't begin to learn to love ourselves even while we've got lots of self hatred. It sounds contradictory but there does seem to be space for both to be there at once.

Sometimes I feel like Bobcat Goldthwaite ... from those Police Academy movies I think they were? He was alternately aggressive and fearful. That's sort of what goes on on the inside. It feels like a right mess but I'm just so tired of being my own worst enemy

Oh, okay, that's very sad

It sounds very complicated. You said you think he might have Aspergers. That makes it even harder to bridge any distance that might be there. My partner is an Aspie, I suspect.

Sorry if I said anything to irritate or upset you BTW. I launched into something without knowing you or your father and giving my opinion

You're most welcome, R 

I have just started blogging again the last few days and remember now what a heartening and encouraging thing it is to do. No need to worry about whether th3 editor will accept your idea (I got my first rejection for the year yesterday. It was most encouraging, and invited me to submit again to the editor's own email address. But instead of being heartened by that it just made me want to sink into the earth. I feel like writing is my only way out of this space I find myself in where my partner is paying for everything and I have 7 bucks in the bank cos it's the only thing I want to do and only thing I feel like I can do. I have chronic health issues and need to keep it flexible. Writing would give that to me. Unfortunately im putting all my eggs into a creaking, overflowing basket in an age where everyone thinks they're a writer and everyone else expects you to write for free.

Anyway. Gee, I'm so whingey at the moment

Cocobird I totally get what you mean! People in corporate environments really don't want too much reality to come into their work relations, do they? Gotta keep that shiny robotic exterior going!

Hi Aliyah, I'm new here too. I find the whole work area to be the most stressful area. I feel like I've underachieved all my life, that I'm smart but just can't handle the working life. It's embarrassing, really. Maybe we could start up a co-op for CPTSD people. Doing what? Well, that's the bit where my idea falls down.

I know lots of ppl struggle with the idea of disability but I think it's good if it's something you can use for time out and healing from the trauma of getting fired (ouch!!) and to give yourself some breathing space to try and work out what to do.

I've often wondered how Calvinists reconcile the whole forgiveness thing. If God is going to send some people to * forever, why bother forgiving others at all? If that's the god of our universe, why not just become a madman and shoot up people in post offices? I called myself a Christian for about 18 years and questioned the character of this kind of god from the beginning and came to the end calling myself a Zen Universalist Christian in the end I remember reading someone somewhere defining forgiveness as taking your boot off the neck of the person who did you wrong - being able to wish them well without wishing them ill. If God can't get past his own enormous ego to do that for his paltry creation then why does he expect them to? And if that's his character then he certainly doesn't deserve to have his name capitalised, haha.

I reckon all the different gods we have in our different religions are extraterrestrials. I like this idea, i find it very captivating! And then underneath that is the uncreated, the source of all who is pure love and beauty. I do feel I've had times where I've tuned into something like that, which we're all connected to. If anything, it's a nice comforting thought at times, and it would be nice to think that your dad is basking in that.

I understand this space. There are times when life is going okay and all the wild dogs are in their cages and the critic is on his leash, or at least retreats when you give him a dose of what for. And then there's the other days when he's snarling, and it all feels unsafe and like it will nevee change and you are always going to be stuck in this horrible space where it feels like you're stained and useless, and that all of your joy and good is going to be stuck inside of you. I'm in that giant vat at the moment and I'm sorry that you are too, Tired.