Messages

Thank you for welcoming me to the group! It's really scary to start this process, but it's a huge comfort to have support from others who understand.

Hello! I developed CPTDS in my childhood. I don't have many memories of my early childhood, but I was removed from a house by police  and placed with a family. I have no idea who my biological family is and very few details about where I came from. The family I was placed with will not talk to me about it. They resented me for being there from day one. They didn't have the finances to care for another child so the siblings acted like every breath I took was depriving them of air. The parents never *raised* me as they did the other kids in the house. My personality was different and they were very outspoken about how much they disliked me. Physical abuse came regularly. I was periodically  shuffled between families, but no one ever felt attached to me. I experienced sexual abuse several times. I started couch surfing at friends' houses at 14 and left for good at 16. Now, the family has mellowed, and when we see each other we are like friendly strangers. To remain a distant part of their family I'm expected to act as if nothing ever happened.
I started my family young. I have had two abusive marriages. I have two children from these marriages. I love them with my entire heart. It's obvious that they love me, but I recently realized that I am having a very hard time feeling their love for me. My oldest told me that she can never read my emotions. She said it hurts her that I rarely show my happiness and I never cry. I've raised them to always express how they feel and I've always tried hard to validate their feelings, but I haven't learned it myself. I feel like if I chip away at that wall the house will collapse.
I'm in a genuinely compassionate and caring relationship for the first time. I have a low pay high stress job, but I'm not dependent on anyone. My son has chronic health issues, but he's currently healthy. It's the best my life has ever been. But, I'm so busy depriving myself of happiness because I'm too busy waiting for the other shoe to drop. I dissociate, I have panic attacks, I have nightmares, and flashbacks. I switch to autopilot/numbness at the wrong times.  My strategy was to focus on my kids and I have, but I need to develop a strategy to help myself.
I hope that I can help others in their journey here as well!