Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Armee & San, I appreciate the reminders of the magnitude of what I've been going through.  I felt so ashamed after I wrote my last post.  I appreciate your support and care.
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While I wait for my work computer to boot up (it is so slow), I wanted to reflect a bit this morning.

As I think about my relationship to my husband, I often wonder why I have stayed.  Something has kept me in it which is not simply codependency and/or trauma responses.  He has been the person where I've felt safe to begin pushing back against the mountain of all the harm my childhood caused. 

I don't mean to excuse things he has done that are not ok, yet I also acknowledge that the way I perceive and interpret things can be off.  I do need to honor my instincts while also being open to considering from a different perspective.  It is with my husband that I began to listen to the parts of myself that said, "Wait, that's messed up" and to try to work through it with him.

This morning I saw how he must feel strongly about me to resist the constant onslaught of his family, especially his mother, to return to his hometown.  I know that she regularly tells him he should move back.  This is such a mean thing for her to do and I hate her for it.  He doesn't always handle things very well and yet he has been responsive to me. 

This morning I also acknowledged that a lot of anger I put onto him is anger at myself.  I am angry at how much I hate myself because I was taught from a young age to do so.  I hate how I have been treated in my life and often because I can't go back and stand up to the people I want to, I turn on myself.  This move has stripped away layers of things that we're keeping me stuck. 

My work is hard because I am constantly met with people not listening to kids and not honoring what they are saying.  I will keep doing what I do as long as I can.  I see the impact I am making on adults around me - I think they are scared of me because I hold space for being as we are. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, your last thought brought a smile to my face.  i worked with adolescents in an unorthodox way (certainly not in the way the other T's worked w/ them) but got similar results to yours.  and, yes, other staff members were intimidated by me, too.  i was told by a friend it was because i do the unexpected and others couldn't control me.  sounds like you do the unexpected as well, allowing kids their space where other adults attempt to mold those kids into some other kind of space.  hang tough - i know how difficult it can be to fly against the current.

i think as you continue to recover and become even more mindful of what's best for you in your relationship, you'll figure out if staying or leaving is the right path for you.  sometimes people can do wonderful things for us in the beginning of a relationship, but not so much later on.  i think it's good to be able to acknowledge beginnings, but middles count, too.  is there perhaps some form of comfort in being in a relationship where someone doesn't treat you well?  just thinking out loud.  best to you with this.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the thought of there being comfort in being in a relationship where I am not treated well.  There is truth to that and it will give me food for thought.  I also appreciate knowing your work was also from a different approach - many kids need that. 
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I am home after work and trying to slow down internally.  My favorite part of the day is when I entered a preschool classroom and a student I work with said, "Yay, it's Stephanie!"  My name is not Stephanie but it was sweet and perhaps Stephanie is an aspect of my persona.

I've made some positive connections with colleagues at my difficult school.  I see the impact of my presence and start to tell myself I could work there another year.  I'm not sure if I will listen to my instinct to get out or if I will "keep trying." 

This is a trend in my life.  I can always see the perspective of why someone else acted the way they did.  I can explain away and try to make it work.  I've been doing it since I was born. 

Today I bought some inline skates and signed up for a run in June.  I also have a drawing class starting up in a few weeks.  I am hoping to enjoy myself and explore the world differently. 

[paul72]

Hi rainydiary
I'm so glad I popped in here one more time before bed. What a nice thing to read about you looking forward to enjoying yourself!
What you said about seeing the perspective of others and being able to explain away their actions really resonates.
I'm glad today was a good day!

[rainydiary]

Thank you Phil - I appreciate you checking in.  I feel like a master at seeing why someone else might act the way they do...and even if it is true or "right" it doesn't mean I need to erase myself or my experience in the process.
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Today has been a good day so far.  It does help to go outside and we spent a lot of time outdoors. 

I am feeling a lot as I sort out my experience of my marriage and relationship to my husband. 

I am also trying to sort out my contribution to our dynamic.  I have not always consistently spoken up or shared my experience.  I have often just gone along and shoved down my truth.  I have tried to shift this and yet can still see how I keep growing.

I am seeing how I most likely need to have some difficult conversations with my husband about my loneliness in our relationship and what I need.  It's hard because I don't know how to describe what it is I need.

I am feeling like a real fool for what I have put up with for so long.  I am sad my parents taught me to think so low of myself that I found a partner that isn't attuned to me.  I am sad because I am in a place of feeling like he won't be able to be the partner I need in the long run because I am tired of trying. 

For now, I am trying to do things that I hope will bring me ease.  I think I am on the right track.  It is just difficult. 

[rainydiary]

Tonight I started reading the book my Melody Beattie Codependent No More. 

I haven't really faced my codependency.  Acknowledging this to myself has started an EF - I am remembering what it felt like when I really faced that I grew up in an abusive household.

I couldn't face codependency before because I needed healing from the abuse I experienced.  That has come a long way and now I am ready for the next step.

I am really sad and hurt and angry.  And also I feel like this is necessary.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, rainy!  Congrats on good time spent outdoors. Sometimes Nature can really nurture us. I will be curious to see your opinion on that book. I haven't read it, but have seen lots of talk about it. And what you said resonated with me about codependency. I was too for a very long time, enough that it feels weird and uncomfortable sometimes to not be there anymore. Well, mostly.

[Armee]

That takes a lot of courage and openness to look through the lens of codependency. I've not had that courage myself yet.

What you said here really spoke to me:

I have often just gone along and shoved down my truth.  I have tried to shift this and yet can still see how I keep growing.

I am seeing how I most likely need to have some difficult conversations with my husband about my loneliness in our relationship and what I need.  It's hard because I don't know how to describe what it is I need.

I've also often not spoken up because I don't know what I am really asking for or what I deserve or what all is my fault etc. But reading it here from you instead of me it seems really clear that we don't need to know exactly what we need to be able and allowed to share how we feel. Saying "I feel lonely in our marriage" can be enough to start with. You have a right to share how you feel without knowing the answers. You do seem pretty open though so I'm guessing you've already taken that step  without results?

[rainydiary]

Thanks Cactus - I spent more time outside today and it was helpful.  I love living by the ocean - I hope I can continue to do that in the future as I love the water.  I will share more below about the book.
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Thanks Armee - I am trying to step carefully as I wonder if we judge ourselves as "codependent" for things that are normal depending on context.  I will reflect more on your question below.
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I had nightmares last night - my brain is definitely trying to work some stuff out.  It was a lot of random scenes where I felt unsafe and unsupported and afraid. 

Given the dreams, I decided to not read more of the Codependent No More today.  I think I have known I am codependent but for some reason reading the opening of the book was heavy.  The book opens with folks sharing their stories and I think their descriptions felt similar to my experiences and it made me sad and hurt and disgusted and in pain.  It made it feel more relevant to my life.

CN: mention of religion

Something that is difficult for me in the book is the author references "God" a lot.  I have spirituality yet organized religion is difficult for me and thus the mention of "God" brings that up.  The history of the author's experience and codependency as a concept is rooted in Twelve Step Programs, specific to those related to alcohol.  I am hoping I can be open minded as I read this book.

End CN

I do want to read more and see what I learn. 

I am trying to remember that I have communicated a lot with my husband and we still often are misattuned.  I think what I hope to learn is ways I am trying to hold control.  I am realizing how hard I work to keep from feeling more hurt.  I also am doing a lot of emotional and physical caretaking of him that I would like to adjust because I am exhausted.

I would also say these tendencies come up in my work too.  But I am feeling it the most in my personal life and that is where a lot of the work will be.  I feel a lot of anger toward myself and my husband.  I am not sure how to express this to him right now and need some processing time. 

I have a week of work and then we will have a break which will be much needed. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

when i realized lately how much humiliation and abuse  i was subjected to with my FL, i felt stupid and like a fool.  i'm convinced now that we are not the fools in these relationships, but kind, warm, open people who others have taken advantage of.  they deserve the anger about this, not us.  we weren't taught to have clear boundaries, how to enforce them, or that we were worth having them in the first place.  that's not on us.

i've been acquainted with M. Beattie's work, and the 12 steps, and they do use the title 'God' a lot.  however, they also state it as 'God as we understand him'.  i know it can be triggering from a religious point, and that's why i think a lot of 12-steppers use the term 'higher power' instead of God.  it's truly a personal thing, not taken from any certain religion.  it can be difficult to get past, tho, for sure.

best to you as you continue along this path.  i have no doubt you'll find your way.  the whole co-dependency thing can be a rough road to travel.  love and hugs, rainy 

[rainydiary]

Thank you, San.  I appreciate the perspective on the Twelve Step mindset and the reminder of my goodness.
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Another night of intense dreams that involved my FOO and seeking, seeking, seeking comfort and love.  It leaves me feeling off and deeply sad. 

This morning I am sitting with the thought that all along I have done the best I can.  I am inherently good or the many children that reach out to hold my hand or say "you're really nice" wouldn't do so. 

I have made a lot of mistakes and done things I wish I hadn't as I have tried to carry the burden of other people hurting me.  I've been trying so hard to prove myself and have erased and reconfigured myself many times.  None of this works. 

And I'm tired of doing that.  It's a hard thing to stop though because I don't always have a good sense when I am falling into those things. 

[paul72]

good morning rainydiary

This morning I am sitting with the thought that all along I have done the best I can.  I am inherently good or the many children that reach out to hold my hand or say "you're really nice" wouldn't do so. 

I just want to cheer you on rainydiary... there isn't a question in my mind at all how inherently good you are. Thank you for sharing so much of it here.
I hope you have a wonderful day!!

[Armee]

 

Exactly, Rainy and Phil. Kids know.

You are good and enough.

I don't really care for the codependency framework because it feels like blaming the very people who have been abused and blamed, and the essence...their kindness...has been manipulated, taken advantage of in these relationships. And then that very kindness is turned into a disorder of sorts by the codependency framework. I haven't given any of it a fair read though because I am just not ready for it so I am speaking in a very uneducated uninformed way here.

[CactusFlower]

 
I agree, kids just know. I also resonate with your difficulty with the term. I am Pagan/Buddhist and have a ton of difficulty when someone says God, regardless of how they meant it. But all we can do is try to keep an open mind and sense the content of the writing rather than the decorations on it, if that makes sense.

[rainydiary]

Phil, Armee, Cactus - thank you for your words.  I will share more below.
.........
Today a thing that happened which will keep me going even though I don't want to go back to work: a preschool student approached me in their class.  They were tearful and said, "I miss my mom." 

I did my best to hold space for their feelings and to validate.  I think I labeled their internal experience too much because I was caught off guard that they felt comfortable enough to approach me. 

But I feel grateful to know more than I did before to let that student feel their feelings.  Especially when my experience with my family is to not cry because I miss them but because they hurt me.

I am upset today after work because I was asked to take on a responsibility that I worry will take me away from opportunities to work with students.  I am so tired of the systems I work in. 

The reason I was asked is because someone had an emergency and needs to be away from work.  And they don't have enough people with my level of experience that can do this.  But it still pisses me off because it takes me away from what I care about and I haven't been there long enough to know how much I can say no to.  Also I am pissed because I am trying to advocate for myself and feel like I failed.

I read another chapter of the Codependent No More book and it also pissed me off.  Armee helped me consider also what is getting under my skin in reading this book: it is too focused on behavior.  To me behavior doesn't always explain or honor internal processes.  It also feels to me that when "behavior" is discussed in this way, it makes it sound like a person is intentionally choosing things. 

As I read, I tried to remember that this book was written before trauma and the brain were discussed and understood in the way they are now.  To me, a lot of what is being labeled as codependency sounds like trauma responses. 

I am trying to get to the part of the book that may offer suggestions about working with all this.  But it is unpleasant to read for me so far.  I also feel annoyed how the author keeps saying, "I'm no expert, but..."

I am so tired on so many levels.  The past few days I have communicated some boundaries with my husband and people at work.  I wonder if my getting into this Codependent No More book is a way to distract myself from my feelings.