Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words and suggestions.  Following the death of his brother, my husband seems to "blame" mental health providers for his brother's death.  I know that idea is coming from his family mostly.  They have hurt him and it hurts me that he doesn't see it and that I don't know how to deal the ways it impacts me.  Thank you for your care.
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Armee, thank you for your words and support.  I appreciate the reminder it makes sense and that I am not just "overreacting." 
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Today was tough at work.  I wrote my previous post before students arrived for the day. 

Some of the students I have begun working with are in a program for students with mental health needs.  This is not my first time doing that and I genuinely enjoy meeting and providing space for these students. 

The students today shared really heartbreaking things that made me sad and hurt to hear such young children say.  I hope that by listening and asking questions and being someone that cares it will help.

Because....my experience is that these classrooms and programs are so poorly run and contribute to the student's challenges.  Not only do they suffer at home, they suffer at school.  In both of the classes, I enter to the teacher yelling at the kids. 

One of the teachers emailed me at the end of the day with a long list of concerns about my presence this morning.  I may have misunderstood inform the previous speech therapist gave me about her work with these students, but I found the teacher's email really frustrating.  She was essentially telling me I wasn't being safe and that I need to check with her before making changes to my schedule.

I don't doubt that these students can get upset and physical and lash out.  I also trust my gut and I have not felt unsafe with them.  I provide them with the choice to work together in their class or in my office (both times they chose my office which apparently "has never been done").  One student requested some space and that I meet with him second.  I have no problem with this and believe it is important to honor student requests.  Apparently his teacher had an issue with that. 

I chose to not respond to her today.  She is doing her job (I guess) and trying to keep everyone safe.  But I also don't think she does as good of a job with the kids as she thinks.  She is not letting me establish a relationship with the kids in my way and is always going on about how they "manipulate," etc.  It is mean. 

I told my husband that I had a difficult day and we have given each other space this evening while also spending it together.  The crack on my windshield has gotten longer and I hope it doesn't obstruct my view and will hang on until the 24th. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

Just wanted to say stay strong. Maybe there is a way you can outline your treatment plan, or teaching agenda, with your higher up and see if they're on side with your approach? If they're resistant then you might have a better idea of what you're up against. Sometimes people are so ingrained in the way they do things that something outside the box isn't considered even if it's good for the kids.

Looking into methylation one of the things that stuck out for me was "suicide brain," and that methylation might play a role in how people react to the idea of suicide. With my father, it was speculated that the Prozac he was taking gave him the push to put action to idea. Prozac is known to interact with L methylfolate. Maybe there is something there.

That sounds like a big connection to make - moving now and moving growing up. Hope you're able to find some space to navigate this.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your perspective and the information you shared.  There is so much to consider and it is weird what does and doesn't come up.
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I have been feeling especially tired this week even though I've been sleeping.  I have had more stress dreams of late.  I can't recall a lot of details but my mind is busy.

I responded to my colleague's email and shared appreciation for her sharing her perspective.  I also shared how I approach my work and tried to say that I understand how to work with these students.  I think my response was the ticket as she responded back positively.  She also said, "I don't like surprises."  So really I think most of her behavior toward me is about her own stuff. 

I did feel pretty bad at work today.  The main school I am at is very poor with communication.  That really became apparent as some folks have been continuing to communicate with the person who was previously working with these students and she didn't tell me.  I found out something big is due next week that I didn't know I had to do. 

A difference between now and the past is that I reached out to someone at work who has become my mentor.  She helped me problem solve and validated that what I am experiencing is not ok.  That helped me relax.  I have a plan now and even though I hate it, it will get the job done. 

My husband and I cleared the air a bit this evening.  When I got home he told me his family is coming to visit in June.  I opted to tell him my upset about their recent "help" with moving, how he let them sleep in our bed, how if I wasn't here he wouldn't live here.  I also shared upset about the amount of communication he and his mom and sister especially have. 

He said he is glad we moved here and he seems to like it.  He also said that he "chooses" the amount of communication and had asked his parents to help him with moving.  This I don't buy.  He had plenty of other people in the area he could have asked for help.  And I don't think he chooses the amount and level of communication with them.  But perhaps my putting this out there will get him thinking.  It is a positive that he didn't shut down and tell me that I'm trying to make him choose between me and them as he has done in the past. 

I also told him about my upset with moving and brought up our past unsuccessful moves.  His response as usual was "that was a long time ago" and I said "that isn't how trauma works."  It is small steps with him. 

I still have a lot to sort out.  Maybe I will take a solo trip somewhere when his family comes to visit.  I have no interest in being around them.  I wonder if there is somewhere I could find to take me and my cat and just chill. 

[Bach]

 

[rainydiary]

Bach, 
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I am at work waiting for the clock to run down so I can go home.  This school exhausts me - teachers yelling at kids constantly.  Adults criticizing me for not knowing things even though I've been here for 3 weeks.  I am doing my best to protect my heart here. 

I know the stress is getting to me a bit and I also see that I am managing differently than before, taking things less personally.  I'm still tired though.  Communication is extremely poor at the school I mostly work at and it is draining me. 

I had a dream last night where someone started hitting me and trying to fight.  I would deflect their arms but wasn't really "letting go" and lashing out physically to defend myself.  It was a peculiar dream and has left me feeling a bit off all day. 

Although I'm glad my husband and I talked a bit more last night, I'm bothered by how much my approach continues to evoke our anxious and avoidant attachments.  I try to communicate but it comes from an anxious attached place which prompts his avoidant attachment.  It leaves me feeling sad and not heard because I add too much detail to cover up the real pain and to keep him from "leaving." 

I just want to rest.  I don't think I've really rested since this move began a month ago.  I've had down times but I push and push and haven't settled. 

[Armee]

It's really positive that you are not blaming yourself. The school sounds really unprofessional and unkind. I'm kind of shocked actually by it and feel sad because as a kind hearted person that will be a very difficult environment for you to do your work in.

I'm impressed by how  you and your husband keep trying to work through things and that willingness is so important. I hope it bears fruit soon and the relationship becomes more satisfying and attached.

[paul72]

hi rainydiary
I don't know anything about military schools, but it sounds so difficult, especially for a caring, empathetic person.
I can't help but think how much the students must just long for that gentle kindness.
I just wish the environment was more supportive for you.
I really admire how you are able to put words to your emotions and your reactions.
I hope you are able to find rest today. 

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for your words and support.  It makes me sad too especially as this is not my first experience with a poorly run school.  I hope all the work with my husband keeps working.
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Phil, I should clarify - the schools I work at are public schools that happen to be located on a military base.  The teachers in this particular building are especially downtrodden- in my opinion a lot of it has to do with leadership.  The principal is a micromanager whose expectations are weird and misplaced.  I also know the pandemic has taken a toll.  But yelling at children does not seem to me to be the solution. 
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This morning when I woke up my first thought was that I am ready to finally process what happened in November and December 2019 with the lead up and immediate aftermath of my brother in law's death. 

It's weird as I have thought so much about that time....but not really faced how much my husband hurt me then....and that I haven't ever really recovered from it.

Just a bit ago I wrote down all the things that came to mind from that time.  I had carried all that in my head but have not ever written it down.  I feel so much emotion after writing it down.

It comes down to a fight we had after he had spent a month away from me with his family.  The fight made me feel like we wanted different things and that our marriage was over.  I have not climbed out of the hole I fell in then.

I had to deal with my realization and understanding of how my parents hurt me before I could.

I think I still have a lot of work to do to climb out of that hole...and I hope it helps me find my way back to my marriage in a healthier way. 

[Armee]

I'm super proud of you for writing down what took place during that difficult time. It can be so hard to get into a clear enough thinking space to do that. I hope your husband has changed. Our own hurt isn't an excuse to hurt others. You didn't deserve however he treated you.

[sanmagic7]

i give you so much credit, rainy, for writing stuff down, getting it out of you, facing your reality head on.  very courageous stuff.  well done.

the school atmosphere sounds pretty yucky.  i can't imagine NOT feeling exhausted by it.  i know the pandemic has turned things upside down, but i wish people would use it as an opportunity to be kinder to others and themselves instead of taking their frustrations out on others.  that's just not fair, not right.  standing beside you as you get thru this.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I had the thought after I wrote here that I am not trying to excuse or ignore things my husband needs to own.  I see ways I get stuck really far back in the past and it is hard to see how things really are. 
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San, thank you.  I am feeling sadness at the thought of going to work tomorrow.  As well as noticing that in the past I have always ignored my instinct to leave a school that didn't feel right.  I start to feel guilty - I hope this time that when I am given the chance to say that I don't want to return to school I do so loud and proud and try a different situation.
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I am worn out today with the time change and the prospect of going to work tomorrow.

Yesterday my husband and I had a really good day where we lived. 

Really I just want a simpler life where I experience joy more than the drive to be productive and constantly proving myself to others.

[Not Alone]

It's weird as I have thought so much about that time....but not really faced how much my husband hurt me then....and that I haven't ever really recovered from it.

Just a bit ago I wrote down all the things that came to mind from that time.  I had carried all that in my head but have not ever written it down.  I feel so much emotion after writing it down.

It comes down to a fight we had after he had spent a month away from me with his family.  The fight made me feel like we wanted different things and that our marriage was over.  I have not climbed out of the hole I fell in then.

I had to deal with my realization and understanding of how my parents hurt me before I could.

I think I still have a lot of work to do to climb out of that hole...and I hope it helps me find my way back to my marriage in a healthier way.

When I think about your BIL's death, this picture comes to my mind: There was a mountain with a great many jagged rocks and boulders. Some of the rocks were falling down the mountain and dislodging other stones and dirt. Your BIL's death was a huge boulder that was released from near the top of the mountain. As the boulder careened down the mountain, it created vast amounts of destruction.

I'm proud of you for writing down thoughts that came to mind from that time. BIL's death and the consequences to your marriage were significant.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate that visualization.  I think it does describe my experience.  Thank you for your support.
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I am starting this week off on shaky ground.

As I face my feelings with my husband from my current perspective, what stands out to me is how "easy" it has always been to hate (a word I don't use lightly) his family. 

This feeling comes from things they have either done to me or just generally.  I recognize that I feel this way too because it was easier to see their harm than it was to see the harm in my own family.  So hating them was the first step in realizing I had a lot going on with my own family.

What's hard is that when my husband either does something I don't understand (like insist we buy a zoo membership that is $100 more than we need so that his family can enter the zoo for free when they visit this summer) or does something that reminds me of his family, I feel that strong hate (although I don't hate my husband).  I hate that he reminds me of them.

And then I start to hate myself.  When I first met my husband, my intuition told me that he wanted to get away from his family.  So a lot of my angst and way that I've seen things is through this perspective that he needs to be "set free."  Which I'm not sure he agrees with or wants.  I trust my intuition so strongly though and so it is hard for me to not see him as in conflict and distress.  I think he is with them...but the harder thing to accept is that it isn't my job to make changes for him.

So the challenge is loving myself through this, sharing with him what I need, and letting go of trying to convince him that he needs emotional boundaries with his family.  Him paying for things for them truly boils my blood yet that is a complicated web that I'm not sure I can do much about anyways.

This morning my husband returns to work after a week off.  He is burned out from his job and when he gets this way it scares me that the past will repeat itself.  I have told him he should quit but for some reason he won't let go.  This morning when I arrived at work I had a message that makes me feel like he isn't thinking clearly.  He wants to drive down to another city to see a basketball game - I don't necessarily think that's a bad idea but I'm not sure I can go or what his plan is.  And our movers are due anytime. 

I hope that he will find the courage to make a decision and do what is right for himself.  And that I will have the strength to set boundaries and support where I can. 

[Not Alone]

but the harder thing to accept is that it isn't my job to make changes for him.

So the challenge is loving myself through this, sharing with him what I need, and letting go of trying to convince him that he needs emotional boundaries with his family. 

So, so hard because you care about your husband and want healthy, kind things for him. Also because his decisions affect you. 

[Armee]

Reading and sending you support as you figure this all out.