DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there. Thanks for all the support — A lot more responses than I usually get. 

Unfortunately I'm not feeling well today. Grieving for hours yesterday exhausted me even when I was able to laugh at my problems, and it left me sick the next day.

My head has been pounding. My muscles have been aching. Standing or sitting up has become harder. My body has heated up. My life seems unreal to me, as if I'm watching it from afar. And while I still feel some emotions, my body is tensed in a way that tells me some emotional pain is still suppressed and numbed inside it — or maybe, it's just . . . that I feel terrible.

I found a channel on Youtube called "I Hate Everything" which is basically a channel that spends time criticizing different elements of pop culture. Another emotion that was numbed other than love was amusement and I seem to be getting it back. Research shows laughter is more present when other people are there with you — and I wonder if increased empathy also allows me to feel this way more.

I've been laughing hysterically at the sheer level of disappointment he has and it was one of the reasons why I was genuinely laughing so hard at how crazy my life is.

I also. . . I also simultaneously feel deeply disappointed in myself too. I've done some insensitive things to other people without realizing it from the lack of social awareness before, and I sometimes don't think I really have it that bad.

It's nice to have an immune system though. Little cells that can act like inner soldier ants  or even those cells that act like kamikaze pilots against the enemy holders of disease. Inside. I have an entire army inside me fighting a battle designed by the wonderful complexity of the human body. That's awesome. Well, that cheers me up . . . just a little though.

[Hope66]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Sorry to hear you're not feeling very well, and hope you feel better soon - take care, and look after yourself. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i've been insensitive toward and careless with other peoples' feelings in the past, mainly cuz i had no frame of reference for what was going on with them.  we haven't been perfect even when we've been expected to be - i, personally, have decided to allow those imperfections and not get down on myself anymore (at least, as much as possible).

one thing that's helped me has been talking to my d about all the mistakes i've made (and still sometimes do) as a mom.  the more she's learned about my background, the more she's understood about me, and the more she's been able to accept my actions as products of my upbringing (i've also apologized profusely, cuz i've felt really bad about so much). 

her acceptance, in turn, has helped me accept those flaws in myself.   i'm very grateful to her for that.

so, may i extend a hand of acceptance to you, d.r. as a way of letting you know i still think you're a valuable and valid person here and in real life.   you're not alone in this.   

i hope you feel better soon.  you've been going thru some very strong emotional stuff lately, so much of it new to you, that i'm not surprised your body is reacting badly to all the upheaval.  time and patience, my dear.  this, too, shall pass.  just keep taking care of you - you deserve that.     

[DecimalRocket]

Hey hope, thank you.  I feel a lot better today. A lot more energized.

Thank you San for accepting me. Even with all of the self compassion exercises I've done alone, it never works as best as hearing someone else accept me.

I've heard something called earned secure attachment — where you can have a secure relationship with someone else later in life even with the bad circumstance with early parents or caretakers. And I think you were that for me. . . I feel more ready to open up to people in real life. . . though just a little.

[DecimalRocket]

I was right — To be emotional in the right way allows me to be logical.

I thought for the logic of thinking for yourself you had to rely on no one. But it's only by relying on people could I think the most independently. If I believe there'll be people — even a small group of people — who would allow me to belong no matter what I think. . . . then I'm free to crash down as my own waterfall.

You know what? I made mistakes. But I rather go with the wrong choice and see it for myself that it's wrong than simply follow other ideas. I rather ask questions — stupid or even potentially offensive questions — just so I could see the reason why myself. Even if my choice was naive, it was my choice and only my own. My own logic.

I don't care about having enough knowledge when that means I won't act on what I think is true. I don't care about praise or recognition anymore when that means I'll be ignoring the needs of others. I don't care about keeping the peace anymore when people can go on mistreating me.

I'm tired of people in wealth, talent, determination, and power just using what they have for their own greedy selfish *. I was born with wealth, I cultivated my talents with an obsessive determination and so I'm much more likely to gain power when I grow up. I want to be different.

I know not every life gets a happy ending — even with all the effort they put. I know this is nearly impossible and I could reexperience the pain I've went through. I know I could just be stupidly naive to consider it when tomorrow I could fall back into major flashbacks and my own critics again.

But I'm going to do this right when others didn't and I. . . I don't ever want to forget . . .WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE WEAK, HELPLESS AND ALONE AND WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE PEOPLE BE THERE FOR ME!

No matter . . . no matter how much stronger I become.

I gotta say . . . Hahaha. I don't think I ever felt this alive in my entire life.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

d.r., you brave, beautiful thing.  i could say a lot more, but i don't want to embarrass you.  instead, may i just say that even 'a little bit' is major progress, and you're doing it.  well done.

the idea of making our own mistakes, asking our own questions is dear to my heart.   

[DecimalRocket]

Three Roses, thanks for the cheer. 

San, just thank you for validating me and being there again. Yes, I can get easily embarrassed by compliments, especially really generous ones — so I'm grafeful you've toned it down for me.

....

I grabbed the end of a baseball bat, and smashed it down senseless against my bed over and over. If my mattress was a vicious cruel monster tied down in chains, then it would be screaming. Then with its exhaustion, silently whimpering like a little puppy.

My inner child was having a tantrum at the sick influence they've gotten. My parents? No, already angered at them enough it seems. My teachers? No. My bullies? No.

The rude tough streets of the internet?

Yes.

You see when you are an emotionally neglected child without parents, teachers or enough friends to turn to in the internet age, you have a limited number of places to turn to for guidance. Imagine being that kid — lurking around the shadows of video game let's plays, science videos, Yahoo Answers, Club Penguin or other sites. You see perfectly nice people who want to inform you of things, but there are "others".

The type of people who emotionally harass a little boy complaining in a video about being bullied to "man up or stop whining" or people who call others "stupid or ghey" for having a different opinion on a show.

Thank you internet! What responsible mature viewers — way to make a kid trust the world and maintain their wonder and innocence, right?

Sigh.

But I managed to learn my first values of life in there — from the historical and modern lovers of science. It can be strange to hear that a subject often taught of as emotionless or cold often teachers a certain childlike wonder to the world in asking why, or a compassion shown in informing people of another perspective of truth, and respecting that.

Question everything they said — and I've been following that ideal my entire life.

Haha. Those were my first heroes . .

But why am I just numb now?

[sanmagic7]

i absolutely cannot imagine that whole internet scenario, as i grew up with libraries and books rather than in an electronic age.  still, i got a lot of the same messages from real people.  i got emotionally neglected by real people.  i got misunderstood by real people.

those were who were in my life, so those were my teachers.  i cannot understand the fascination with all these electronic gadgets nowadays.  simply don't comprehend it.   i've never embraced it, tho, beginning with microwave ovens.  computers were a means to write papers and do research when i went back to college (besides, at that time, in the 90's, we had to pass a computer literacy section, so i was forced into it), altho i still preferred the library, lingering among the stacks, paging thru reference books.

i feel for the young people nowadays, i really do.  i think the bullying has gotten worse because it comes not only from real people but cyber bullies.  human contact keeps getting more limited as texting becomes more prolific.  a friend (my age) asked me if i texted, and i told her no, cuz i don't have a phone, but if she sent me her phone no. i'd love to talk.  she never sent it.  this happened between us twice.

so, this whole thing confuses me as to the scope of how it's being embraced.  i'm more than grateful i found this forum, because even tho it's online, the people here seem more real to me at times than people i know in person.  so, i do give a nod of approval to some of this technology that has made this possible.  the rest of it i shun as much as possible. 

i don't know about your numbness, don't have that experience.  i do hope it leaves you soon, so that you feel more 'normal' again.  best to you.   

[camille13512]

Decimal, internet bullying is among my worst nightmares. The hatred can be so toxic and it comes from nowhere; it's not a communication, and there's nothing attached to the words, so we can only interpret those words with an imaginary face, expression and emotions, which often go down to the worst case scenarios. I'm sorry that the place you look for help also becomes the place that breeds the pains.

I'm not sure how numbness feels to you, but I often get numb when I get too exhausted; I just shut down. I hope you can take the time to recover from the intense emotions. 

[DecimalRocket]

To anyone reading this, Merry Christmas and happy holidays. .

Thank you San, Camille, and anyone else quietly cheering me on the sidelines. Thanks for sharing your listening, experiences and validations. I thought the cyberbullying issues was just petty to me.

I've been feeling better today. More confidence. Less of an inner critic. New books to read. Went out with others for food. I feel a little too exhausted now though — so if anyone's willing and rested enough for it, I just want some want extra attention today . I've had enough of posting to other people's posts these recent days.

Sigh. I wanted to shorten the next post I have here in some way to lessen the burden of time and energy in others, but as usual, my thoughts are too ridiculously in depth to explain something shortly. I guess I can never fully turn off my super analytic brain.

[DecimalRocket]

I've figured out another group to do angering on.

You see : It's the selfish immature people of the human race.

Let me explain.

In a study called Systems thinking I mentioned before, one of the foundational teachings is that many issues in life and society isn't just caused by one thing. People can point to leaders like the president for the sole reason in society, or point to only themselves or their abusers in trauma, but it's more complicated than that.

Every single event in life is caused by a complex amount of causes. It could be the educational system, the government, agricultural workers, entertainment media, business owners, activists, medical professions, friends, strangers, and practically everyone — ranging from the start of the human race to now.

So what do I get when I manage to get pissed at the logical and immoral mistakes of the baddies of the human race? It would allow me to soften the weight of blaming myself all the time, as well as possibly doing something about what's terrible in humanity in a way that can disagree.

One of my main skills is finding ideas and opinions that often disagree with the major population. One of my main weaknesses is having no courage whatsoever to share them— even in polite free debate environments. Mostly because the ability to have your own disagreements on things show that you have some amount of healthy to unhealthy anger to be able to blame other's beliefs, feelings or actions instead of yours all the time.

I'm hoping to change that — first because without this, I can't have enough feedback on my ideas for my own curiosity and second, information is better spread. I'm also. . . intellectually lonely, and holy *, I'm starving for conversations at or above my knowledge level.

Thing is, I've suppressed anger —because of certain . . .  childhood events.

And I . . . I can't feel it enough.

[Three Roses]

All I can say is, I hear you DR. 

[Sceal]

I can relate to supressing anger.
I have done it for so long, I can't even remember when it started. Earlier this fall I managed to get contact with some of that anger, but instead of dealing with it... I supressed it again.
Anger is a fickle thing if you ask me.

I hope you'll allow yourself your emotions. They are there for a reason, even if the reason isn't always so obvious or easy to pinpoint on 1-2 sources due to it's complexity.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks 3Roses for being there to listen. 

Yes, Sceal. Anger can be tough. The thing about anger is that you have to realize your own needs and opinions, which may have been taken away. But I'll try. I hope you can get better with your expression of anger too. 

.....

What if I learned about anger from the darkest side of the internet?

You see, when I look back in my life at the largest spikes of progress, it usually has something to do with finding a new culture in touring around. No, not touring around different countries — I mean touring around different communities online and observing them. "Online Tourism" if I put it in name.

I've seen the logic of science enthusiasts in contrast to the emotional depth of artists. I've seen the ambition and drive of budding entrepeneurs to the simple joys of everyday bloggers. I've seen excited futurists wanting to know the latest advancements to the more formal types who look back into history and the ancient teachings.

Often the truth lied somewhere in between opposites.

OOTS is a kind, accepting and humble place for sharing your pain. So what's a place that's a complete opposite?

Well, that's . . . that's 4chan. The /b/ and /pol/ threads in particular.

Wait, are you sure? That's about the most triggering place to go to on the internet.

Well. . . you don't know until you try..

I passed by the forums — taking up the usual menu of nude pics, racist jokes, sexist insults, political stupidity, constant sweat words, shock pictures, disability hatred, nazi sympathizers, and the most blatantly offensive ideas on the internet. The internet tourist guide will tell you to look at your right to see the birthplace of memes and hacktivism.

And I joined in  for the lulz.

It would be wrong to act like I did there in other parts of the internet and in real life . . . But here it was . . . "Socially appropiate" and "encouraged". Besides, people here are not easily offended.

This place is the most insulting and vile place in the internet, but in a way, it was accepting of something many people try to supress in themselves. Their dark sides. In Robert A. Johnson's book "Owning Your Shadow", he traces religious history to find that they find the greatest goodness not by removing their dark side, but by acknowledging it and finding a healthy outlet for it.

And this was what 4chan was for me. A modern outlet for a ridiculous amount of anger, along with the many others in the forum. A role model of "How to not give a * about what others thought" to balance out being too passive or self conscious.

It was triggering, but in energizing anger, I grew to love that place.

It was true equality. Everyone hates each other equally.

With much anger let go, I left with a lightness in my heart and a greater love for friends and humanity.