somnambulist's journal

[somnambulist]

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.  Learning about CPTSD.  Learning about dissociative disorders.  Working through therapy and trying to become self aware.  It's gradual and difficult.

Had an experience with my therapist where she guided me through a body check, remembered feelings of physical abuse.  Broke down crying for the first time in years.  Been crying off and on for a week.  Wrote a letter to my father, my last letter to him.  Feel like I've knocked down a wall but there are many more inside.

Learning about how I've compartmentalized my feelings and thoughts and memories.  Questioning dissociative disorders - are they real or are they a product of therapy?  Trying to understand because everything I'm learning about dissociative identity disorder / dissociative disorder not otherwise specified feels like it applies to me.  Fighting waves of different feelings and experiences that take over me.  Trying to reconcile blank spots.  Trying to reconstruct my thoughts and feelings, memories.  Trying to push through and be productive at work so I have my basic needs met (food, clothing, shelter, etc.) while I work on mending my heart.

Memories are a lot more real when you feel them in your body.  I seem to have adapted to being able to talk about my memories as though they didn't happen to me, but meditating on my body and checking in with it brings a whole new layer to this.  I've been in denial for a long time.  I'm scared but determined.  Angry but resigned.  Focused and intent on moving forward.  At least right this second.

[schrödinger's cat]

You sound like you're really making progress.    Congratulations! I wish you all the best for this.

Memories are a lot more real when you feel them in your body.  I seem to have adapted to being able to talk about my memories as though they didn't happen to me, but meditating on my body and checking in with it brings a whole new layer to this.

Sooo that is something worth trying out. Thanks for sharing this. But isn't it just exhausting, moving out of denial and into awareness? I want to remember, I want to not feel so numb anymore, but oh my goodness is it ever a frustrating, frightening thing to do.

[somnambulist]

Sooo that is something worth trying out. Thanks for sharing this. But isn't it just exhausting, moving out of denial and into awareness? I want to remember, I want to not feel so numb anymore, but oh my goodness is it ever a frustrating, frightening thing to do.

It is a super frustrating, frightening thing to do.  And it's absolutely unnerving and triggering.  On my drive home the other night I had an extraordinarily painful early memory come to the surface and I felt incredibly fragile and sad - when I finally got home my wife opened the door with a smile and immediately changed her expression and said 'what's wrong?' and gave me a big hug - perfect response for when I had no words.

Some of this is just rushing loose right now, I'm not certain why this time and my life and why so much.  I've been trying to work on various aspects of my trauma response for years without calling it that, just because I was determined to thrive but wasn't sure how.  I've had a general idea about what "healthy behaviors" to focus on so I've focused on those, and I've had some underlying mottos I've just repeated to myself along the way, like "don't worry about things outside of your control, focus on what you can control," and, "perfect is the enemy of good, just focus on getting one or two or even three small things done today, nothing more," and, "don't take yourself so seriously, you'll never get out alive (said with a grin because it's a crude joke)."  I fall back on silliness in times of stress when I can, and underneath everything I tend toward optimism (no idea why).

I've had good friends along the way that have helped me keep from falling apart completely.  I just fought against the therapeutic process, grew to be in denial about actually having experienced any trauma, and gave my inner critic too much floor time for far too long.

Then there are parts of me, more than just the inner critic, or that critic has multiple parts, that are altogether fatalistic and pessimistic that sometimes seem to be my default behaviors for long periods of time.  Now that I'm trusting the process I'm able to start working on putting these parts into perspective and not letting them overwhelm and consume my outlook for the future.

And now I'm really embracing the therapeutic process and I have a good support system now in terms of my wife, her mom, my therapist, my work, and this forum.  I've got a lot more information at hand now, and I'm learning a lot.  The biggest difference in how I'm approaching all of this now is to try and turn a compassionate, warm, loving feeling inward toward all the hurting parts of me and just simply learn to be aware of them and not deny them any longer.  So I think this is why I'm making progress right now and so much is rushing to the surface.

I finally got my copy of the Surviving to Thriving book, I started to read it last night, at least the steps for managing emotional flashbacks.  Honestly even the table of contents in the book is super interesting, hah!  I'm really looking forward to reading this.  I've also consumed a memoir written by a person with paranoid schizophrenia (particularly focused on how someone survives and even thrives professionally with a thought disorder - someone in my family has a similar diagnosis and I've recently resumed contact with them, want to help, but I need to do it carefully - I digress) , and I'm also reading a memoir from someone with dissociative identity disorder.  Honestly that one is really triggering for me right now, but I'm sticking with it.

But when I trigger myself in the right context, in the right safe places, I can allow the emotions I've been bottling up to come to the surface, I can process them and grieve, and I can turn compassion inward.  And that's all I'm really trying to do right now until I have a better understanding of CPTSD and how to thrive in spite of it.  I got away from my FOO and made some great strides in my life just motivated by extraordinary anger, like a dam broke loose in my early twenties - it was seemingly the only emotion I had, so I alternated between anger and numbness (or taking something to make me numb - whole other dark story).  But the anger never gave way to any healthier emotions. And I've reached a point in my life where the anger turns inward and tears me apart, and other emotions want to be expressed.

So, even though I've only known about CPTSD for not very long, I've been working on it for a long time.  I'm taking a different approach this time, paying attention to my heart and trying to grow in self awareness, and I'm reading my books and I'm learning to process feelings all over again.  I've always been able to tell other people, "you're doing fine, don't worry, no matter what you do or don't do, you're doing just enough, keep your chin up."  I've only just begun to start telling myself that.  Little by little.

[alovelycreature]

I understand your experience with telling stories but feeling like they're not attached to you. I used to feel that way a lot. It feels unreal. Doing the therapy work is incredibly hard, but the outcome is totally worth it. Hang in there!

[somnambulist]

I've been absent from these forums for a while now.  I've been sticking with therapy and trying a few different exercises to improve my health and well-being.

Dissociation is still my biggest struggle.  I've never heard anyone talk about a "depersonalization episode," but I've come to be aware that I have them and recognize when I'm experiencing one.  It's unnerving because in those moments I feel no sense of purpose and no reason to push or follow through with any commitments or do anything.  Nothing feels real.  So now when I feel that way I immediately start talking about it or writing about it to try and give it structure and form and make it into something real.

I just had a silly thought, but in a sense I'm trying to dissociate myself from dissociation.  I'm trying to treat it as a something I can wrap my head around and put out of my head when I want.  I want to be able to just focus on getting through the holidays and on doing well at work.  But I don't feel a lot of satisfaction and don't feel like I have a big goal to strive for right now.  So it's just a confusing time in my life right now.  I'm used to always being at extreme ends of my feelings or moods, or completely numb.  I'm not used to how I'm feeling right now.  Ah well.

On the whole, things have been going well for me.  Treatment's going well, spouse is doing well, work's going okay, and in general things are well.  I'm just sad deep down in my soul right now and not sure how to process.  I guess some of it is the holidays, they always hit me hard.

Anyway, just checking in.  Peace and love to you all.

[alovelycreature]

I just had a silly thought, but in a sense I'm trying to dissociate myself from dissociation.  I'm trying to treat it as a something I can wrap my head around and put out of my head when I want.  I want to be able to just focus on getting through the holidays and on doing well at work.  But I don't feel a lot of satisfaction and don't feel like I have a big goal to strive for right now.  So it's just a confusing time in my life right now.  I'm used to always being at extreme ends of my feelings or moods, or completely numb.  I'm not used to how I'm feeling right now.  Ah well.

Do you feel apathetic? Or is this something new you're feeling? I understand what you're saying about the dissociation. I did yoga for about 5 years and it helped a lot with the dissociation, but also helped me feel like I had a sense of purpose and a goal. I was curious what you meant regarding, "I don't feel a lot of satisfaction and don't feel like I have a big goal to strive for right now."

[somnambulist]

I'm making progress.  My dissociative symptoms have abated, for the most part.  Practicing mindfulness meditation and trying to bring some structure into my life.  Journaling fairly regularly.  Paying attention to my feelings and acknowledging when some of the intensity of what I'm feeling seems unfounded, trying to regulate my thinking.  I'm still having struggles, particularly when I bring alcohol or anything else into the mix, so I'm making a conscious decision to cut out alcohol and other substances entirely, so far I've made it a week without anything.

[Kizzie]

That's great news somnambulist!   

I'm finding the same thing - that the mindfulness (which I really struggled with, worked far too hard at it), and trying to think differently about whether my feelings are overlaid with the past has really reduced my dissociation too.   

By jove I think there may be something to all the readings 

[somnambulist]

Checking in again.

I've made some amazing progress in being able to recognize flashbacks and be conscious of them, but I still have a lot of critic shrinking work to do now.  I've spent the last 6 months or so focusing very much on personal healing and recovery, on improving self awareness and trying to find a "neutral" speed at which to function day-to-day rather than getting carried away by the sweeping, obsessive flow of thoughts in my mind.

It's hard.  I'm very frequently just a balled up knot of emotion, tears welling up under the surface but not actually breaking out unless I don't want them to.  I still haven't integrated the two polar opposite modes of being I tend to vacillate between - either completely shut off emotionally and intensely focused on achievement and execution (I work like a machine in this state and I'm almost unstoppable) to being completely given over to my emotions, surrendering to feeling, and overwhelmed at the prospect of doing, well, almost anything that involves other people.  The anxiety and self attack overwhelms me in those times.

I took a big step today, I asked for help.  I asked a manager I work with and have begun to trust enough to confide in about some of my deeply personal history of trauma to help me.  I asked him to help me come up with a system for organization to help me maintain focus and productivity in spite of all of the background noise in my head and to help me be accountable.  I want to fight through this, as I'm tired of running away from everything in my life when I get overwhelmed.  I've been fleeing my whole life and this time I really want to stand my ground.

So, anyway, he's helping me.  And I'm gritting my teeth and working through the painful muscle contractions that rake my body and sitting with my back to the wall and my laptop in my lap, pushing through in spite of my anxiety and panic.  Because I know I'm safe and I know this will pass and I know the feelings of panic and anxiety at pushing forward are from a part of me that had to adapt like that to keep me out of harm's way.  I know I will be healthier and happier if I push through this.

And I really just want to scream and yell and fight it out - I move from trying to run away or trying to freeze to wanting to fight it out.  At least one thing's for sure, I'm alive and I can feel.  And I don't want to give up and dissociate from that, I don't want to give up ground here.  I want to keep pushing forward and healing.

[woodsgnome]

Somnambulist, I'm new here so wasn't on when you started sharing your story. I found your journey compelling so I looked back to get a sense of your progress, as your words are eloquent, to the point, and speak from the heart of the hard-won hope you've found.

There's so much beauty in what you've done, and raw courage, like just  flat-out asking for help from the manager--first, to help him understand where you're coming from, and then devising a plan that incorporates what you needed to successfully function. Reaching that point of trust is so crucial and you found it. Kudos!

Way back in October, you observed: "...Up and down. Day by day. I regress when I pretend my trauma wasn't real or what I'm feeling isn't real.  I am still learning how to be kind to myself." It's excruciating to recognize that self-kindness, many of us are so used to the put-downs from others and then we turn on ourselves. Self-kindness seems selfish at first but to begin healing we desperately need to embrace its power.

Today you added, "At least one thing's for sure, I'm alive and I can feel...I want to keep pushing forward and healing." More than that, by being vulnerable and open you've pointed out a route to those of us still searching for peace. Thank you! 

[somnambulist]

Thank you woodsgnome.