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hey, a.a.,

couple of things came to mind.  i have some of the same issues you mentioned, as i live in a house with 4 other people.  making sure the shower is empty, the bathroom isn't occupied, and someone isn't doing laundry when i want to - yep, i can relate.

i just can't afford my own place, so renting a room in someone's house was my best option.  the owner is pretty much a clean freak, so there are higher standards i have to live up to then i'm used to.  i would prefer to live by myself as well, but i don't think of that as a control issue.  especially in your case - i think it's a self-care issue. 

it's difficult to feel safe and at ease when you have to listen to blaring tv's and arguments.  (happily, this place is very quiet and subdued).  it's an infringement on your personal space to have to clean up after another.  and, as far as making your own space your own, i know that one well.

the owner had this room decorated according to her own taste when i first moved in.  altho i couldn't choose the color of the walls, etc., and it's furnished with her furniture, i was quick to replace her pictures with my own wall hangings,  and make her decor my own as much as possible.  it's unconventional, but it's mine and makes it homier for me.

as far as what to tell your friend, some of my go-to reasons for declining something is 'it's not a good fit for me', or 'it;s just not working for me'.  if she presses for an explanation, one can always say something like 'i can't really explain it', or 'something just doesn't feel comfortable for me'.  keep it personal by saying 'for me'.   if she presses further, the old standby - 'i don't really know.  it's just me, i guess'. 

i've had a similar experience with support groups in the past, both online and in real life.  i gave them a shot - this is the only place i've felt at home, part of the community.   for whatever reason, the rest didn't quite fit my needs.  i'm comfortable here, tho, and for that i'm grateful.  glad you're here as well.

sending you a big hug filled with perseverance  and confidence.

did my grocery shopping for the coming week.  soups and sandwich stuff mostly.  i'm looking forward to what i might feel like after the surgery, which is next thurs.   the thought occurred to me this morning that if it would've taken place when it was originally scheduled (yesterday) it would be all over by right now.  grrrr!  little anger came up that i have to wait for this extra week.

so, now all i have to do is wait.  did my house chores yesterday, so that's taken care of.  will do laundry before next thurs. so i won't have to worry about that.  putting my ducks in a row, so to speak.  got some fruit and nut bars to take with me the day of the surgery cuz i don't know how long i'll be there - it might take all day.  didn't want anything too heavy.

planning for this feels almost like planning for a trip.  what do i need and why.   it's almost all-consuming right now.  will talk w/ my t by phone the day before.  i'm hoping that will settle me down a bit.  i am not looking forward to the pain.  that's my biggest anxiety-producer.  i will be in tears from it.

i've noticed that i'm feeling more pain in my body in the past few weeks.  it hurts to sneeze now, let alone anything else.  i'm guessing it's from all the tension around this surgery.  i'm also guessing that i have more anger inside that isn't coming out.  maybe i can put some of it here.

i'm so mad that this wasn't diagnosed properly all those years ago, which has caused it to spread.  incompetence in the medical profession there has caused me harm.  what started out as about a 1/2" 'mole' has now become an area of more than 2 1/2", and who knows how deep.  batards. 

because they failed to diagnose correctly, or even send me to a skin specialist (altho when i sought one out on my own, she still told me the wrong thing - psoriasis), the cancer took another form as well.  plus, another 'mole' has begun.  so i ended up with patches of flaky skin that not only weren't there in the beginning but also spread around the 'mole'.  that's what was determined to be 'psoriasis'.

oooooh, i am so p o'd that this was allowed to happen.  10 yrs. of asking about it, to i don't know how many doctors.  and i have to pay the price.  i absolutely hate it, hate them, hate the whole experience, hate that i have to go thru this now.  luckily, my landlady will drive me there, and my d will drop in during the day to stay with me as best she can as long as she can.  my ll will bring me home cuz she's a pro. caregiver and wants to hear what kind of aftercare i need.

i thank god for her willingness to do this.   my d still isn't at full capacity, but still wants to be there as much as possible.  still, she can't take care of me afterwards, either.  staying at her place wouldn't be the best idea for me.   

grrrrrr!!! to all of this.  i hate hate hate it all.  not fair at all.  absolutely sucks in the worst way.  this has turned my world upside down.  dang, the more i let this anger out, the bigger it seems.  curse words all over the place.    * * * * * * * * * *   take your pick - they're all there.   f, d, c, s, m,  - all the bombs i can possibly think to drop.  namecalling of the worst kind.  just did some pounding.  felt good. 

i hate the waiting game, but very glad i decided to write.  it was more than i expected.

sounds like you're making some great progress with your t, sceal.  it's so wonderful that you like them.  that's a significant part of therapy.

i really like your check-in list, especially about determining what the real threat level is for the day.   that's something i never thought of, but it makes sense.  good for you.

keep up the good work,  it definitely sounds like progress to me.  big hug to you.

mftb, may i make a wife2 suggestion?  breathe.  then, breathe again.  slow yourself down.  prioritize, if you're able.  one step at a time.  ultimately, this, too, shall pass.

i don't believe you have been given this opportunity because you suck at your job.  rather, your work has shown itself to be of such merit that it is believed you have something important to contribute to the rest of the team. 

an example from my own life of getting overwhelmed by too much to process/do/consider has been all this medical stuff i've been going thru.  each doc has told me to do this, that, and the other, and get it done now.  lab tests, sonagrams, exams, surgery . . .  and on and on.  i was going nuts.

for one thing, my hub took care of much of that for me, keeping track, driving me here and there, going with me to see the specialists.  without him, i felt pretty much on my own.  my d has definitely supported me, but ultimately i had to make the decisions myself.

prioritizing was the way for me to go.  what was most important to get done the soonest.  in my case, it was the first round of doc appts. and lab tests, schedule the surgery, and pay off all those visits and tests before i made more appts.  it really helped clear my head and took away that overwhelming feeling.  it was like i took my power back.

just like the docs looking over my shoulder telling me what i had to do 'right now', or something dire would happen, you have your bosses doing the same thing.   you know your strengths, you know what you do best, and you know what's most important for you to know.  simplify and take your power back.   take one step at a time and you'll get through this.  you're not alone, sweetie.
right beside you all the way.

sending you a big hug filled with encouragement, support, and confidence in yourself and your abilities.   

i am glad for all those things for you, too, rb. 

actually, i didn't think any of that was weird.  setting time aside for grieving - i get that.  we can only do what we can do in our everyday world, and it doesn't always leave time or energy for personal/emotional upheaval.  in fact, i think it's a wonderful idea.  you'll be in a place you enjoy, you'll be able to take your time, you'll be able to go at your pace in your own space.  all in all, it sounds like a great plan to me.

i've been good at jobs that i didn't enjoy, so i get that, too.  once again, we do what we can and what's necessary.  i think you're doing pretty great with all this.  i do hate when i'm not able to process my emotions from the day until bedtime.  it's the only time of the day i'm still enough to do so sometimes. 

i encourage you to keep going.   you'll find your balance eventually.  sending a hug filled with support and love.

hey, sceal,

the general concept of big and little traumas, as i understand it, is generic.  a big trauma is like a car accident, an explosion, violence - something that would be traumatic for anyone, child or adult.  a little trauma would be more like missing the school bus, having to give a speech when anxious, fear of flying - more specific to the person involved, and an experience on a much smaller scale.

the reason this was brought to my attention, again, was reading a post from a trauma therapist (another forum) who said she was seeing an adolescent with no history of family abuse, only no emotional support from parents or other adults.  it rang a bell for me that being emotionally unsupported all her life by her parents was viewed as no abuse.  she said in her post that there was no evidence of big traumas in this girl's family.

well, as a victim of no emotional support from adults in my own life, i just shook my head once again at how abuse is viewed.  the lack of emotional support was seen as not a very big deal by this therapist, and the ones who responded.  i just didn't have the energy to enlighten this group one more time.   

i hope that helps.  it's a perspective that i've never agreed with.   having no emotional support from my parents led to me developing alexithymia and having no access to my emotions most of my life.  it may not be an actively violent type of abuse, but, for me, anyway, it was certainly a big  T trauma.

actually, along those lines, i've had several surgeries in my life, and never once have i been afraid.  my attitude has always been that if i'm gonna die, this, to me, would be a great way to go.  they put you out, and you just don't wake up.  no pain.  i haven't felt fear, consciously, until the past year or so.  what i'm mostly all a-twitter about is the pain.  i've been in so much pain for so long, adding more to the bunch is unnerving. 

both the shot and the numbing agent are extremely painful - i know that from the biopsy adventure.  hurts really bad.  i'm not looking forward to that at all, and the unknowns about how far the cancer has spread, how deep it may have gone through my scalp toward my skull, if the area is so big now that he's going to have me come back to finish the job - those are playing with my head, too. 

since i always trusted everyone, i always trusted that the docs operating on me would take care of me, and i'd either come out of it to deal with the aftermath, or i wouldn't, and then i wouldn't care.   i don't have much fear of anything, least of all being dead.  it's the getting there that worries me.  i'm so sick of suffering. 

thanks for your love and support, sceal.   i'll be taking them with me when i go - my circle of protection from here always goes with me now on distressing adventures.  i'm grateful.  big hug full of warmth and love back to you.

rb, i give you so much credit for what you plan for yourself, the positives you're putting in place for you throughout the day.  even if it isn't perfect, it's something tangible to strive for, and i do believe that counts.  there are too many complications both within and outside of us that will do their best to sabotage our plans, but having goals such as you wrote gives focus and motivation.

i think it's pretty common to revert to old behaviors in times of stress, and i believe that one of the most important things we can learn is to have patience with ourselves.  we won't do all of this just right all the time, but as long as we keep moving, we will improve. 

sending you a hug filled with ongoing encouragement.

no problem, a.a.  i welcome questions.

besides the messages from my dad 'stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about' and 'crying doesn't do any good', there were also a number of other factors that contributed to a lack of emotional release during my life - any emotion.  my feelings were denied, suppressed, and subsequently buried so deep that for most of my life, i was unaware of my feelings. 

it's called alexithymia, and it basically means an inability to verbalize feelings.  faulty brain wiring causes it, which was caused by being emotionally ignored/denied.  any expression of feelings, except that happy smiling face, was demeaned rather than nurtured, and i was left adrift in a sea of confusion, not knowing what that feeling in my stomach or chest meant.

therefore, crying ceased for me because i became busy figuring out how to take care of myself.  i never cried, for example, over being dumped or romantic heartbreak.  i just absorbed it, as i did everything else, and moved on.  i wasn't aware of either my or others' feelings.   i even skipped my mother's funeral cuz i was afraid i would break down in front of people, and i just couldn't let that happen.   i went out with my sister and got drunk instead.  numbed it all out.

i didn't begin crying again until i started therapy, mid-thirties.  i think everything had bottled up, so much for so long, that it just began leaking out.  then exploding at certain times, like  a tension release.   i didn't especially have that longing to cry like you expressed, tho.  the tears just began coming, out of my control. 

i cry all the time now, often can't finish a sentence for the tears if i'm talking about anything emotional.  the emotional part isn't even necessarily directly connected to me.  or, at least, not that i consciously know of.  i was trying to tell my t yesterday about a movie i'd seen as a child, 'miracle of marcelino', that moved me profoundly, brought on the waterworks full force at the time.  i couldn't finish telling her about it cuz i was crying too hard.

so, i talk about tears without a purpose because i feel no relief from them.  they don't feel beneficial, but rather they obstruct me from being able to explain, enjoy, or discuss something.  they get in the way.  healing tears, like i experienced above are a different story.  they're cleansing and give me relief.  these other tears, well, i don't know what good they serve, except to underline my extreme sadness, maybe grief, about me, what's happened to me, what's happened to others, the state of the world, what i've missed in my life  . . . .    and on and on. 

i don't know if that was helpful at all.  just my own personal experience.    but thanks for asking, a.a.

so, my next hurdle is a week from tomorrow.  surgery on my head.  i have no idea what to expect, if it will all get done in one day or not, if i'll have to come back, how much pain i'll be in, what the stress of it is going to do to my system.  too much to contemplate at any great length, but i know i will become more and more distressed as the time draws closer.   

i had an in-depth email from a friend who underwent colon cancer surgery last year, and as she said, this is not how i envisioned this period of my life to be.  she reiterated that it's a full-time job just to take care of herself.  i echo that sentiment.   no one knows what this is like unless they've gone through it. 

having to make your own decisions about what medical procedure to do next, which meds to take or leave off, watching what we eat and how that might affect our systems, what's the least stressful way to do things and in what order, and, do to decisions or circumstances, running to the john 4 or 5 times a day for days on end because the stress upset everything inside. 

the last time i saw the doc, the nurse asked me how i felt.  i said 'worn out'.  she said, 'fatigued?'  i said, 'no, worn out.  it's so wearing to be feeling sick all the time.  i haven't felt 'well' since i was in my 30's'.  she didn't say anything then.   i don't think she could comprehend.

so, trudging from day to day.  staying alive for my hub and daughter.  they get strength from my strength, and vice versa.   
personally, i'm at the point of not particularly caring one way or the other for myself.  so much pain, both physical and emotional.  i don't know how i keep going, except with a lot of help from everyone here and divine intervention of some kind.  i have good angels. 

i just am dreading this surgery, and it's getting to me.

hey, sceal, so glad you've found something that's helping with your sleep.  as one who has sleep problems, the difference between not sleeping thoroughly, and getting some profoundly restful sleep is extremely incredible.  i'm so happy for anyone who finds a way to sleep.

it sounds like you have a great group moderator, one who can recognize a problem and take care of it discreetly.  that's always important to me - it does feel nice.  and kudos on all your nature walks.  pretty cool that you can enjoy it so much.  that's great.   loving warm hug coming your way.

mftb, i thought the title for this journal was extremely meaningful.  you're absolutely right, each day is a blank page.  some of it is written for us, and for some of it we do the writing.   what we write are our choices, decisions, and actions. 

i'm with you on the whole mess that is the news anymore.  i didn't hear about tom petty till 4 days later.  have always loved his music.  one of my favorite videos is with him and the rest of the traveling wilburys singing 'end of the line'.  i used to listen to that every morning - i always gave me a lift.

i am sorry for your sleep problems.  i know those middle of the nights very well.  they suck.  hoping that you find some rest and comfort that will enable you to sleep better soon.

sending you a warm, loving hug.  we'll make it thru this. 

o, man, i was just thinking about that thread today!  weird.

sceal, you are meaningful in and of yourself.  you are sorting thru several 'messes', not the least of which is confronting this c-ptsd beast.   you are an admirable person for the fact that you keep reaching out, looking for help, learning what you can (you said you'll never learn about not overdoing it, but that sentence said that you have, in fact, learned something about it), and finding your truth among the lies that were programmed into you.

your pace, sweetie, your recovery.  it's all about you.  you help so many here - maybe you don't realize how meaningful that is.   your support is invaluable.   big hug to you.

hope these new ideas are helpful.  it seems my perspective on this beast is broadening cuz these are not ideas that i've been holding for any length of time. 

i'm glad you're not ready to throw in the towel.   you've got a lot of strength in you, blueberry, maybe more than you realize.  sending you a hug filled with support and love.

repetition compulsion - interesting, but it certainly rings true for me as well.  you're not alone here, sweetie.  standing strong beside you.  warm and loving hugs to you.

just finished my phone session.  i read my journal entry to her, she thanked me, said that she had gone ahead of where i was by saying that the front of the brain rules the back.  said that therapy will eventually strengthen the thinking portion of the brain so that it'll be harder to be highjacked, and that's what she was referring to but that it was too far forward for me at that moment.

we talked a bit about my crying, the difference i'd felt with the tears that seemed to have a purpose to me in response to what 3roses had written, as compared to this crying that i do so often at the drop of a hat.  she talked about how as babies and toddlers, crying is our means of expressing when we need something, and that ideally, a parent would nurture us, allow the tears, and make it a safe place to be vulnerable.  well, that didn't happen to me.

whatever those tears meant when i was so young, i believe they were somehow denied.  i can remember my dad saying 'stop that crying or i'll give you something to cry about'.  which meant to me that whatever i was crying about wasn't important, wasn't supposed to be important to me, so i stopped, shoved it inside.  burying emotions, wants, needs was something i've been doing most all my life.  he also told me that 'crying doesn't get you anyplace'.

i talked about how i carried this terrible sadness in my eyes, how strangers would say something to me about how sad i looked - usually at bars.  i created a personality for myself starting at about 13 so that i wouldn't be lonely anymore, wouldn't feel that horrible, devastating feeling, which was very outgoing, smiling, laughing, joking, personable in order to make sure people would like me and want to be around me.  i gave out a lot of compliments.

but, when a time would come where i wasn't being this animated 'self', the sadness must have been so noticeable that people would feel compelled to comment on it.  my t said something about a normal response to someone looking sad was 'what's wrong? you look so sad', and i told her that no, people didn't ask me why.

then she asked what kind of feeling i got from the people who mentioned how sad i looked, and i told her i had no feeling from them, and i didn't feel really anything when they said it.  i think she found this all a bit unusual.  people who knew me never mentioned this, maybe cuz i was always animated around them.  it's been only strangers who have noticed and said something.

thru all the therapists and counselors i've been thru, no one has ever mentioned the idea of me being traumatized.  if any of the latest ones had that idea, it was because i've told them.   my t mentioned an article she read about how, when we're very young, our worldview always includes our very being, so when something seemingly small happens, it can be devastating.

that's why getting a smaller scoop of ice cream, or having a toy taken away (sharing) can be devastating to a young child.  often among trauma therapists, they will talk about big t traumas and small t traumas, meaning one can be looked on and treated as more important than the other.

i've never agreed with this, because i've always felt that to some kids, something that looks small to an adult can be devastatingly traumatic to them because of who they are and what that incident means to them.  this article affirmed what i've believed all along.    that's why comparing traumas is ultimately  fruitless.  mine may look less than others, but that doesn't mean it was any less traumatizing. 

all in all, i cried thru most of the session, as usual.  not healing tears, but probably the tears of a very young child who is confused and in distress, but gets no comfort.  first time that thought came to consciousness.  it feels like it fits pretty well.  there may be more to that, but that's for further discovery.  so, i'm wiped out now, will rest the remainder of the day. 

thanks, el, for the loving hugs.  always appreciated.

[can]

you're absolutely right, el, it isn't your job to be someone else.  you are definitely good enough, smart enough, and insightful enough to carry through on your paper.  like wife2 says, breathe.  take a few breaths before you sit down to write, and visualize having a finished paper.  just a suggestion - it's something that works for me.

if i can visualize it, then i know it's do-able.  yes, you are a good writer - you show it here.  you're coherent, insightful, and your intelligence shines through.  pooh to those old messages!  they're not yours, and they never were.  you were born believing in yourself - others dumped the crapola on you that helped bury it.

maybe a writing exercise to put the old messages out of the way for a minute.  could you write them down, see them for what they are, and then destroy them (tear them up, burn them, whatever feels right for you) or put them in a bag and set them aside just till you get your paper done?  i've also done this for myself and found it helpful.

just some thoughts.  self-doubt can be crippling, and i hate it.  i hope you find your way thru it and out the other side.  best wishes for a great paper.  sending a hug filled with confidence and assuredness for you.