Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses 

San, I don't have the words to express how grateful I am to read such a good response from you. As someone I admire deeply I means the world you are excited that's I want to go into the field you spent your life in as well. Also to hear the people see my determination and work it has taken me to a place in my healing where I could choose freely to do this. I wish I had better words because thank you is not enough, but thank you from every part of me 

[Elphanigh]

I ache today, more than I think I was prepared for. I don't know how to feel the kind of ache and hurt I am feeling today, I really don't know what to do with it. I am not sure I have felt anything like it in a long time, or possibly ever to be honest. It is a kind of emotionally wrenching pain that feels like I have been knocked back and then feels like a punch in the gut.

That being said I am okay, I just hurt. Not sure how better to describe it. It isn't triggering like a flashback or an anxiety attack.. it is just an ache. I think this is probably true grief, but I haven't been able to sit with this well or to cry yet. I expected to come home last night and have lots of tears because I almost did in group last night. I think they are buried underneath many protective layers. Ones that allowed me to learn to not need my M and years of trying to not want her either. A lot of stuffing down the things she did, so I think I will need to voice them or get them out more than I did in group last night to get to a point where this wound will heal. Last night just really opened me up to doing that and to starting to feel whatever this is.

Grief is not something I am super familiar with, it comes up every now and then but never this strong or for this long. I am trying not to shut it off, but instead recognize it and let it be what it needs to. That is progress, I just am not sure what to do with it other wise. 

This doesn't take away any of the good things in the last week, but it is right back into the deep part of healing for me. Can't clear out the junk without going through it, I just also hate going through it sometimes. Intentionally going through the pain to help it feel better. There is certainly a middle ground here, that whole window of tolerance thing, and last night probably pushed on that upper limit a bit but it was okay. It still is.

I just wish I had the M I needed back then, or even that I could trust my M now. But I learned to not need her, I learned to be the parent far too early in life.

[sanmagic7]

all i can offer is ems to embrace you, hold you, comfort you until the ache subsides.  i know it's not a true mother, the one you needed and never had.  i wish i could give that to you.  she would hold little el on her lap, rocking her back and forth, whispering soothing words into your hair, letting you know that the pain, the horrible aching feeling will soon go away, but that she will stay with you till it does.

she'd also give adult el a loving hug, letting her know she's beside you thru this, will also stay till it leaves you in peace.  i wish.

sending much love and warm, soothing hugs, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

San, I am grateful you reminded me of ems. I always forget when I need her the most. I never expect you to offer anything more than just being you my dear. Little me loves having ems as a mom of sorts. She is safe, warm, and nurturing. That is everything little me ever needed, and that adult me is not always good at being able to give. I find that when the feelings also hurt and affect my adult being that I am less effective at giving my inner little ones what they need.

Adult me loves the hug, and having her peaceful presence with me as I go through this. I am not in as much pain this afternoon, but I know these things come in waves. It is reassuring to have someone there until things feel more peaceful.

Lots of love to you too.

[Elphanigh]

I feel stronger and less achy today. I did some tapping and played some games with my roommate last night. Good self care and just got to get those feelings out of my body. I recognize it is something I need to process but not something I have to carry every moment of everyday. With that understanding it is okay to recognize it is there but not feel it completely like I was. It isn't unhealthy to put it away for bits at a time, because I do still need to live my life as well. I am working actively to process things so I can put it away safely.

Anyways more looking at school and feeling scared to take the plunge. As a wise teacher of mine once told me, those nerves mean that I care and have invested into the idea. They are something to embrace and recognize, not something to stop me from moving forward. That might be the only useful thing he ever said to me, but I have held onto it. It meant I didn't shy away from my undergrad, and when I decided to fully jump into my healing journey those words echoed for me as well. I am not plunging without research or understanding. I know what this path is and where I want it to help take me. This is not a blind plunge, I am jumping knowing as much as I can about what is at the bottom. So I jump and trust in my research and the wisdom of people that I trust.

[Elphanigh]

I think grief is going to come in waves until I can finally cry it out. I have yet to cry about group on Tuesday, I get close but it is like tears are stuck. I am not consciously choosing not to cry or to feel but something is blocking them. I can feel the physical pain well up inside and start to remember all the reasons I do hurt from my relationship with my M... Goodness knows there are many aspects of that I deserve to grieve, and I think part of me is starting to. I used to cry all the time when I first started going deep into this stuff, I would come home and just cry because it hurt so much. But now, I don't seem to be able to. Like I am not closing off, if anything I am being more open than I eve have. I don't really understand but I also can't force it to come yet. I will continue to process and work through what ever is stuck in my body. Maybe I need to do some sort of body movement to get some of this junk out. Will see what Therapy brings on Monday.

Until then I will sit with the ache as it comes and goes. I am not sure I am prepared for grief in the way I would want to be, but no one ever is. I have tapped into so many different emotions this one still alludes me. Anger used to be impossible and now I can voice it in productive ways, it is no longer triggering even for younger me. Major progress on that front so hopefully the same will be true of grief, if in fact that is what this is.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Elpha,
As someone who has cried 3 times in 4 years, I'm with ya there.  It's not a conscious decision to hold back tears. It just happens.

It's like without my Consent, my brain turns off and shuts down when I am sad and need to grieve.  I'm not sure how to combat that... so I'm searching for answers there.

I think you are taking some big steps and that's a big deal.  I'm amazed by you all the time.  When the time comes, you will be able to process and the tears will come. 

Take good care 

[Elphanigh]

Hi dear Deep Blue,

I am glad it isn't just me. I grew up not crying because I was taught they were a weakness. Then for like two years all I could do was cry, now it is back to not happening. Not because I see them as weak anymore, but like you described it is like my brain turns them off.

Lots of big steps have been happening, and I am sure will continue to. Hopefully this one will be learning to deal with grief. I have been listening to talks and you tube videos on complex grief to see if I can get an understanding. Thank you for always being kind and seeing so much in me 

Hugs and much love 



On a different note, I am working on my grad school applications. It has been a quick set of decisions, which feels like a whirlwind but it also feels right. This is what I am meant to be doing and I am thrilled to be going after it. I will have more time after these applications are in to consider deferment options if I truly need another year with my current T, or for finances. But I have realized that life will never give me the perfect time to go to school, and there will never be a neon sign saying go this way. I have the closest thing I am ever going to get to that right now.

My anxiety and bits of cptsd that have issues with trusting myself and jumping into the unknown are certainly going off, but I can listen to them and reassure them that I am researching and also have looked at this option before many times. It isn't foreign it is just different to be going after it instead of turning away.

I am excited for the new adventure, and hopeful that I will get in somewhere. I would love to touch as many lives as I can, and hopefully I still have a lot of time to do so.

[Three Roses]

You touch a lot of lives here, too, and I'm excited that more will be able to experience the healing you can bring them. Yay, Elph!

[Elphanigh]

I am really glad to hear that, Three Roses. It is reassuring to know I can do that here by just being me. It, along with all of the positive feedback I am getting about my plan, are helping give me more hope in my abilities 

[Hope67]

I am excited for the new adventure, and hopeful that I will get in somewhere. I would love to touch as many lives as I can, and hopefully I still have a lot of time to do so.

I agree with Three Roses that you already touch many lives in a positive way - you've certainly helped me, and many others here - and I imagine that is the same in your day to day exchanges/interactions - and I would like to wish you the best with your grad applications, and that your realise all your goals and aspirations, but especially that you will enjoy the path to attaining them.   

Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Hope, I really appreciate you taking the time to stop by. The kind words are more meaningful than I know how to express. All of you give me such hope for what I can do in the world. I am hopeful for the application process but nervous.

[sanmagic7]

dearest el,  you know how i feel about all this.  i have no doubt about you and what you'll be able to accomplish in the future - what you have accomplished in your own life, what you do for people here - just indications of what's in store for you and the rest of the world you touch.

grieving is such a complex beast.  i'm going thru some of it right now.  i was triggered into getting some tears and other emotions out last nite by watching an episode of 'buffy, the vampire slayer'.  i know - this stuff can come out at odd times even when we're not expecting it.  still, better out than in, as hagrid said. 

so, i'm sure when you're ready, the tears will come.  the feelings will come as well.  in the meantime, i like the idea that you can let some stuff out in bits and pieces, put the rest in containers, so to speak, for when you're ready again.  they'll wait for you. 

moving forward!   much love and warm hugs.

[Elphanigh]

My dear, I do know how you feel about all of it. I am forever grateful for it.

I am currently sitting at a coffee shop near my apartment working on the application for the school that is due soonest (like a month and a half earlier than anyone else). Taking a break to read and reply some here. Also need to work on some coordinating for the trauma informed book club I am starting in November. I find that I am amazed by the kindness that people are showing me, and the faith that everyone is having in me to do all of these good things. From the foundation believing I am the correct person for the book club creation, and then everyone I have spoken to about what I want to do for grad school being so certain I would touch lives. It is starting to set in that there must be a reason that all of this is being reflected back to me. (Sorry off on a tangent, that is something I need to explore)

Grief is so hard, and I am not sure I have ever truly grieved. This will be a slow but important adventure I think. Like you with Buffy, I am certain this will hit me out of the blue. I do want to do some work on it tomorrow with my T though, see if I can't kind of unlock a bit of it, or figure out what is stuck. You wisdom on this is always so wonderful, also absolutely love the Harry Potter reference. As someone that is so proud of her HP house (I'm a Ravenclaw if that wasn't obvious) and Has read every book multiple times it, I smile every time I see a reference used 

I think the only worry I truly have with grad school is not taking enough time to do my own healing. I wouldn't stop working on my healing but it would need to be more background than it is right now. I have had the freedom to truly dive in the last almost two years which has meant I have made major strides. I worry that I am leaving that phase too early, but I also recognize I have ten more months of it. That I am capable of healing in small strides as well. That me feeling well enough to go forward and certain of my path is probably the glowing sign telling me that it is okay to move forward. That I would hopefully find another good T where I was and the work on being able to help people in more ways than I already can.

Anyways, I feel like I have rambled some this morning. There is a lot that goes around as I consider the paths moving forward. I am excited but also so much more self aware now, with that comes more considerations and understanding of possible reprecutions. Unlike when I did my undergrad I understand what it means to be healthy, and know that I never want to go back to be unhealthy. I need to have faith that the skills I have will keep me well through grad school. I think the first test of that is managing grad school applications, volunteering, and work. If I can balance that and stay healthy school will be okay. Here's to the version of me I have become and not even truly realized it until recently. The progress and changed seemed so small day to day, but looking back I have truly become a better version of myself. I dont want to stop growing in that way, so I hesitate to leave this stage but I think ten more months and the recognition that I feel stable enough for the first time since my undergrad to truly make these decisions means I am right to pursue new things.

Okay not I have truly rambled. Will be more later for sure, but lots to do today.

[sanmagic7]

i'm a gryffindor.  i, too, inhaled the hp world, books and movies multiple times.  there's a lot of wisdom to be culled from it.  one i especially liked was when harry asked dumbledore near the end if this was all in his mind, and dumbledore said 'yes, but that doesn't mean it's not real'.

that struck me hard when i first read it because i'd been told that so many times by so many docs over the years when i'd tell them about my fatigue or aches and pains - it's all in your mind.  it was dismissive, tho, rather than affirming.  i know now it was all real, and they just didn't do their jobs properly to find out why it was happening.

i remember a year ago when you were applying to grad school, and how important it seemed to you then to get in.  however, listening to you now, talking about your therapy and healing and recovery and will you be able to maintain it if you have school thrown into the mix - yes, your awareness of you, who you are, your priorities, your concerns, it's all very different today than it was then.

what a difference a year makes.  your growth, your strength, your groundedness and stability have all increased a thousandfold in a year, exponentially because you took the opportunity to delve into your recovery and healing with such force and determination.  i've said it before and i'll keep on saying it - you are a wonder to behold, you beautiful thing.

everything in its own time.  kudos to you for making this past year be about you personally, taking that time to get yourself strong and ready enough to take on the challenges of the future.  i think it was a great decision, and you've come thru with flying colors.  love you to bits, honey.