I'm not good at this. I'm terrified of making mistakes, of breaking rules. I'm scared I'll break rules here or say something wrong. I'm sorry in ahead of time if I mess up here. I don't feel comfortable even on the internet, and English is my secondary language. My biggest problem is a total lack of confidence in myself which leads to that I am terrified of speaking up. I've been conditioned into silence, made believe no one could care at all what I have to say, or what I think. I feel inherently ugly, not just on the outside but in general, just somehow rotten. I feel unwelcome no matter where I go. I expect any stranger, all strangers, to say something hurtful to me if I only give them an opportunity so I better not.
My home is my only safe zone where I can do some measures of relaxing from the constant hyper vigilance, and feel safe, most of the time. This has lead to isolation from the rest of the world and completely severed connections. I can't build friendships and leaving the house is a roulette of anxiety symptoms. I'm long time unemployed, I haven't finished high school and don't know if I ever can. I methodically procrastinate every troublesome thing to the last tick of the last available minute and then spend the entire way there stressed out about it, but somehow just unable of taking care of it. I do have one blessing in my life, my partner of almost 10 years. He's the reason I'm still here, but I don't treat him well enough. I try, I really try, but there's a depthless well of anger inside me that I struggle to control. I snap at him for little things, then apologize and feel terrible about it. I want to be better. He's shouldered our economy and survival over the years all by himself and I can't even get myself to behave.
I'm in my late 20's. My childhood went in a haze that I now realize I never came out of. Over a decade of on-off therapy, and no one figured out what was wrong with me, until now. I got my "diagnosis" about 3 weeks ago. I still feel like it sounds too "grand", to be validated in such a way but I started reading about it and I now know it to be true. It's a shocking mix of grief and hope, precious, precious hope that I never had before. I thought I was broken, crazy, attention-seeking... lazy and cowardly. Life was such a long march in darkness, trying to just make it to next day. Self-loathing, guilt and crippling doubt are my every day, leaving very little space for future plans. I can hardly stand to look in the mirror.
Now I cling to that hope, but it's a double sided coin. If I accept my lacking sense of self and "failures" as result of my traumatic childhood (good?), I am accepting also that the paranoid, dissociative thoughts were "wrong". In a way it's relieving, but it also means I've wasted 10 years achieving nothing, feeling disconnected from everything while other people just went on with their lives. I still slip right into the dissociative thoughts as soon as things get hard. I don't know how to stop it.
This is getting long and I don't want to make a wall of text so I'll take a break. I'm not sure what all counts as possible triggers to others, so I'll just add it up there for a safe measure. Thank you for reading and take care.
My home is my only safe zone where I can do some measures of relaxing from the constant hyper vigilance, and feel safe, most of the time. This has lead to isolation from the rest of the world and completely severed connections. I can't build friendships and leaving the house is a roulette of anxiety symptoms. I'm long time unemployed, I haven't finished high school and don't know if I ever can. I methodically procrastinate every troublesome thing to the last tick of the last available minute and then spend the entire way there stressed out about it, but somehow just unable of taking care of it. I do have one blessing in my life, my partner of almost 10 years. He's the reason I'm still here, but I don't treat him well enough. I try, I really try, but there's a depthless well of anger inside me that I struggle to control. I snap at him for little things, then apologize and feel terrible about it. I want to be better. He's shouldered our economy and survival over the years all by himself and I can't even get myself to behave.
I'm in my late 20's. My childhood went in a haze that I now realize I never came out of. Over a decade of on-off therapy, and no one figured out what was wrong with me, until now. I got my "diagnosis" about 3 weeks ago. I still feel like it sounds too "grand", to be validated in such a way but I started reading about it and I now know it to be true. It's a shocking mix of grief and hope, precious, precious hope that I never had before. I thought I was broken, crazy, attention-seeking... lazy and cowardly. Life was such a long march in darkness, trying to just make it to next day. Self-loathing, guilt and crippling doubt are my every day, leaving very little space for future plans. I can hardly stand to look in the mirror.
Now I cling to that hope, but it's a double sided coin. If I accept my lacking sense of self and "failures" as result of my traumatic childhood (good?), I am accepting also that the paranoid, dissociative thoughts were "wrong". In a way it's relieving, but it also means I've wasted 10 years achieving nothing, feeling disconnected from everything while other people just went on with their lives. I still slip right into the dissociative thoughts as soon as things get hard. I don't know how to stop it.
This is getting long and I don't want to make a wall of text so I'll take a break. I'm not sure what all counts as possible triggers to others, so I'll just add it up there for a safe measure. Thank you for reading and take care.