Messages

  *possible triggers in here*

from what you're saying, or what i'm hearing you say, it sounds like your t can be insensitive at times.  the 'writing a song' statement didn't make sense to me, i can't think why she might say something like that, it doesn't seem to fit at all with what you said.  just seemed weird.

i've never heard the term 'counter dependent' before.  new one for me.  i do understand about people just not fitting together, in which case there is no blame to be laid, it's just a mis-fit.  that kind of thing happens a lot, i think.  and people often hurt each other in a relationship, either intentionally or unintentionally, so that's usually a two-way street.   what is more concerning to me is the feeling you had that you were in a double-bind situation with him, that no matter what you did, even if it was something he wanted, it wasn't right.  from my experience, both professional and personal, those kinds of situations are crazy-making.  they make you feel like you're crazy, and the other person could even help that feeling along, especially if s/he says things like, 'it's all in your head', or 'no, that's not the way it was', or 'you don't know what you're talking about.'  not a good situation at all.  it sounds like it might be a good thing you're out of there, altho, no, he didn't need to do anything nasty on his way out.  that's uncalled for.

and then, he's parading a new girlfriend around in front of you?  that's just being mean.  i don't think he's a very nice person, and you deserve better.

as for my funerals, my tendency all my life was not to allow any so-called 'negative' feelings, especially anger, sadness, jealousy, opinions, personal discomfort, hate, and that includes anything that might make another person uncomfortable.  i was programmed to take care of others first, always, no matter what might be going on with me. 

so, at this point in my life, i'm finally not only allowing, but encouraging any types of feelings that i wasn't allowed to acknowledge, because i realize now that i have pushed them all down into my body, and my body is now very sick because of doing that all these years.  my funerals, even tho they may be painful, are necessary for me in order to get at all those feelings that i should have been able to express at the time, but wasn't allowed.  i am now allowing myself to have my feelings, and part of them have been buried for a very long time.  the funerals bring my losses, whatever they might be (for example, the childhood i needed but didn't have, my mom, my dad, what i needed from each of them but didn't get, the people who are no longer in my life because of the issues i've had with them, my beautiful little house that i had to leave, the gardens where i grew flowers and veggies for my family, the fact that my family has been torn apart - and on and on and on).

my life has been built on attempting to deny, to forget, to let it go, and that strategy has only gotten me sicker.  so, i'm doing something different now.  i'm facing it all head on, and it's very emotional, sometimes painful, often exhausting, but ultimately, i'm feeling better because of it.  i'm going to keep at it until it's all emptied out of me, out into the universe where it belongs, cuz it doesn't belong in me.  for most of my life i thought it did.  not anymore.  my latest is of a new-ish relationship with someone from my past, we hadn't been in touch for 50 yrs.  i thought it would be fun, happy, shining, a light in this darkness i've been going thru these past months.  a distraction.  we've only been back in touch for about 2 months, but i already know that he has turned out to be a not very nice man.  i don't want him in my life anymore.  the flowers for him are on my desktop right now.  they've been there a few days.  it's almost time to move on.  and, if i hear from him again, i'll tell him that i don't want to hear from him anymore.  still, it's a loss, and i'm sad it didn't work out the way i thought it might.  so, i had a funeral for him.  and, i'm glad.

and, yes, i was concerned that with what i was going to say you might think i was invalidating you or taking your t's side, and i wanted to make it clear that i had no intention of doing that.  but, i'm glad you responded to that, and i won't worry about it anymore.  so, thanks, sienna.  and, good luck with your decision about your t.  i don't know if it's in your mind or not, cuz i wasn't there, wasn't able to hear voice tone or see body language.  couldn't feel the vibe.  if and when you can talk to her about it, and be straight with her and get a straight answer from her, i think you'll have more valid information for yourself.  otherwise, i think you'll just keep guessing.  my opinion only.

good morning, sandstone,

to answer your question honestly, anyone with an addiction has issues.  like your brother, they may come up with excuses for using/drinking/whatever addiction they're into, but there is always a reason that they're, in this case, drinking.  it sounds like your partner is in denial right now - he's not ready to stop, he doesn't have a problem, and without drinking he's a grumpy b**. 

what i've found is that most alcoholics are depressed, and one symptom of depression is often irritability or grumpiness.  everyone i know or have worked with had depression under their drinking.  i did, too.

the addiction is used for different reasons by different people:  to escape the reality of their life, to numb the pain of something (your brother, perhaps), to self-medicate - make themselves feel better for whatever reason.  but, there is always an underlying cause. 

addicts are often very intelligent, and very deceptive; they can find reasons to use at the drop of a hat.  what addiction does, though, is to disallow intimacy/closeness in a relationship.  since the addict is either looking to use, using, or in the hangover/euphoria after using, the addiction is always coming first.  therefore, the relationship, i.e., the other person, will always come second.  always. 

and, an addict who is not ready to quit will find excuses all the time for not quitting, from the mundane to the absurd. 

you are in the position of the enabler now.  that's another truth, albeit a difficult one, possibly, to hear.  there is no shame, judgment or anything like that for it.  i've been an enabler, and have been enabled by others.  it's part of the disease of addiction.  like i said, it's a family affair.  the user cannot stay in the family system without being enabled. 

that's why i suggested that you find an al-anon group for yourself.  it will provide you with a lot of information, as well as support for your situation.

are you also drinking/using substances?  you don't need to answer, but you said that you wanted to be off everything by the time you begin emdr, so it seemed to me as if you are actively using something as well.  when you do stop, your perspective will also change, and he will look different to you whether he's sober or not.  you don't have to be sober to belong to al-anon.  while you're waiting for the emdr therapy to be available, are you seeing someone yourself?  these could be issues to be brought up in sessions, again for information and/or support. 

i'm glad to hear your boundaries are getting stronger.  that's a good thing, i think.  take care of you first, always.   

by the by, sienna, on another board, you asked about my funerals.  i lost that place, was having a tough time, didn't get back to you on that.

my funerals basically are acknowledging everything and everybody in my life that have been lost to me, or that i needed and didn't get, allowing me to actually focus on them, and feel the feelings that i hadn't otherwise done.  i pick an image of a funeral arrangement of flowers (flowers are one of my favorite things), put it in my journal and on my desktop.  i write everything i think and feel about it, anything and everything that comes to mind, and if emotions come up, i deal with them appropriately (like, if i feel sad, i let myself cry.  if i feel angry, i go pound on my bed and let all the cusswords out.  if i'm alone, i'll be very loud.  otherwise, i'll say them in my head), and allow the image to stay on my computer desktop until i'm done grieving.  but, it's there every day to remind me, and i think about it for a bit.  when it loses its punch, or when something else comes up, i'll put something different on my desktop.  and, when i need a break from this, i'll put something beautiful, relaxing, calming on my desktop, like a woodland scene, or a rose, and just let that be until i feel ready to have another funeral.

but, yes, doing these funerals have really helped me alleviate the sadness that i've been so full of and didn't understand why.  acknowledging what i've lost has been grounding for me, has allowed me to see the reality of my situation and accept it, and move on from it. 

sorry it took so long to get back to you on this, and i know this is a thread about something entirely different, but i wanted to answer you and i just lost the other place where you had asked.  peace to you, sienna. 

please believe me when i say i'm not attempting to invalidate anyone, not their thoughts, feelings, or emotions.  and, i'm not trying to take the side of the therapists, either.  being a therapist myself, i was also attempting to listen to what the therapist might have been saying and why.  i'm reading all this confusion and mistrust about therapists, and it hurts my heart that there is so much inconsistency for you when it comes to your therapist, sienna.  you've talked before (on your red flags post) about feeling validated one session, invalidated the next.  i'm really sorry to hear that.  i truly am.

can you talk to your therapist about this feeling of being invalidated?  about your confusion?  i know that if a client of mine was going thru this, i'd like to know.  sometimes we, as therapists, don't quite know, either, what might be a trigger for a client, and what might not be one.  the therapeutic relationship is just that - a relationship, and sometimes, especially when a client is confused him/herself, we can also get confused about what our clients need from us. (danaus, that might be why that question was asked.  i don't know, just guessing). 

if the therapist gets confusing messages from the client, s/he may attempt to define what the client is saying (as in, 'i'm sorry you're sad', or that you left him instead of the other way around).  this is not to say that anyone thinks it's your fault, sienna, that the relationship didn't work.  no pointing of fingers, no blaming, no shaming.  i know that in my past, i've had relationships that didn't work out simply because the two of us didn't 'fit' together.  often that was because my own issues as well as his issues didn't mesh well when we were together.  it was like we left each other, even while we were still together.  but, i have dropped out of a relationship emotionally, which is a form of leaving, while still physically with him.  and, whoever i might have been with at the time has done the same.

the idea that one person leaves another can be taken on many different levels.  levels of commitment to the relationship can be different.  levels of expectations of self and other can be different from both parties.  levels of how long do we keep trying can be different for both.

this can happen in a therapeutic relationship as well.  usually, a good therapist will attempt to meet the needs of the client, but may not know exactly what they are.  i've had to tell my therapist exactly what i need from her (if you recall, she's really young and green and new to the business.  her heart is in the right place but she just doesn't have much experience).  i don't know if that is a possibility for you. 

i've also had to tell my therapist the difference between ptsd and c-ptsd.  she kept referring to my situation in ptsd terms (mainly because c-ptsd is not in the diagnostic manual) until i finally told her that wasn't my problem, and explained the difference.  she had been clueless, but she's all i've got here, so i'm making the best of it.

i hate seeing you go through this agony over and over, sienna.  confusion is such a maelstrom of feelings, thoughts, emotions, and it's difficult to pick our way thru them to know which are real, which are false, which feel good, bad, or ugly.  i do hope you can find some level of 'fit' ness with this therapist or another, if you choose to leave this one.  i also hope you can find your strength while in a session, and learn what you need to know so that you can continue to move forward on your path of recovery.

by the by, when i think of taking a 'break' from all this, or when i've talked to clients about that, i've meant it as just let the hard stuff go for a day or so, just watch some comedy, laugh with a friend, enjoy a movie - basically, give your mind a little time off.  this stuff can be so difficult, so overwhelming, and we can get lost in it.  to take a break from it is just to find some enjoyable part of something that can distract you for a while, let your emotions rest. 

i hope you can find some peace within yourself with all this.  that would be great!  as someone said, hang in there.  we're all hanging right beside you!

i'll tell you what, i don't feel like an inspiration to anyone right now.  i'm in horrific pain, can't concentrate, can't get comfy, snapping at my sweet hub who's done nothing but take good care of me when i'm like this.  am doing what i know how to lessen it, but right now nothing's helping, and i may just have to wait it out.  ugh!  it just gets so wearing . . .

but, 3 roses, thank you for your kind words.  they made me smile.  and, that felt great.  here's to keepin' on keepin' on!

i can relate.  am in the middle of attempting to recover from a major f*ckup by a doc, who actually poisoned me, and am in the throes of severe pain and am so mad i could claw his eyes out.  and, the pain has made me be snippy and snappy with my hub, who continues to take such good care of me while i'm going thru all this.  it totally sucks!

it will be all right, 3 roses, one way or another.  you'll feel it, you'll know it, whether it's a fit or not.  i would say within 3 sessions, you'll know.  so, in the meantime, while you're waiting, just know that it will be a new adventure in your life, nothing more or less.  i think the therapeutic relationship is like any other, in some ways.  the power dynamic is a bit different, it's not quite equal, but that doesn't mean that you don't have your same rights as with anyone else.  you still have your own power, your own boundaries, your same ability to say yes or no.  you are the one who makes the decision whether this is the right place for you, the right person for you to work with. not the other way around.

as a therapist, i like to think of myself as a guide, someone who may know the territory of recovery a little bit better than my client, and who can give them guidelines, information, help them through rough spots with techniques i know that they may not be familiar with or that they can't do on their own.  i can show them different paths, and let them know what they may be facing if they choose one over the other.  i can be an ear to hear, a shoulder to lean on, or an arm for support when the situation calls for it.  i'm there to do what's best for the client, period.  the first rule for anyone in the helping professions is 'do no harm'.  and, that's what i look for in a therapist.

so, if this is someone with whom you feel comfortable, who you feel has your best interest at heart, who is ready to listen and hear you, it will be all right.  and, if this turns out to be someone not like that, you have the right to leave with no regrets or guilt, and, therefore, it will be all right.  either way, you will be fine.   best to you on this new adventure!

i know it's been awhile, sienna.  have been going thru a rough patch.

what happened w/ your therapist?  i know you've kind of had on again-off again feelings about what has happened in therapy.  is it a reality thing, as in did something happen in a session?  did she say something, do something?    i'm not denying your feelings, nor invalidating you.   can you talk to her about it?  as far as i can see, anything that happens in session, or about a session, is or can be a topic for a session.  not knowing what went on makes it difficult to try to guess.  i know you'll make it through this, tho.  i'm just sorry you're having more therapist problems.  that's a drag.

this has sounded so positive on here from everyone.  even myself. as i read over what everyone had to say, i just felt so glad so many of you are doing well, dealing with life as it comes along. 

unfortunately, i've had a major setback since i last wrote.  about a month ago, a doctor poisoned me - he gave me meds to take that turned out not to be for what was going on with me, they were extremely strong, i was supposed to take them for 10 days, but after 5 i was already experiencing diarrhea, and decided to do some research on this drug.  that's when i found out that diarrhea can be a side effect, and i stopped taking it immediately.  but, this was a type of med that continued to work in the body even after it was stopped, and the diarrhea lasted for about 3 1/2 weeks, daily.  besides that, i got some lab work done (in my research i discovered that this drug was extremely hard on the liver, and that the patient should have lab tests done both before it is administered, and during the time it's taken.  this doc did neither) and found out that i had a kidney infection and possibly my liver had gotten infected as well.  so, antibiotics for a week.

part of my c-ptsd problems have been physical, and one of those has been muscle aches in my lower back.  i've been seeing a pressure point massage therapist to help rid my muscles of toxins, emotions, etc. that i've stored there for years.  we'd been making progress until this happened.  now, the entire middle of my back is paining me terribly because of what had happened to my innards for nearly a month.  i got it worked on mon. eve, she got the knots out that were part of the problem, but now i'm working with nerve pain due to inflammation caused by the infection and constantly running to the john all those days.  i can barely walk, and what's almost worse to me is that i have no energy, no mental capacity to continue writing right now!  i can't concentrate for the pain.  it p*sses me off no end, and i just want to cry and beat the bed and string that friggin' doc (he's not even a real doctor.  in our little town, we get those who do their internship with little to no supervision.  and most of them think they're god.  arrogant pukes!) up by his thumbs!

so, i wish i could have added that i'm still doing wonderfully, but the truth is that this has set me back worse than ever.  i do everything i know how to ease the pain (actually, it's the inflammation that's causing the problem, and my system produces an overabundance of inflammation in response to any kind of stress), so i'm concentrating on several techniques geared toward lowering the amount of inflammation, but it's a vicious cycle - the pain is stressful which means my system produces inflammation which, in turn, causes more pain, etc.  so weary . . .this is really bringing me down.

hey, sandstone,

i understand because i've been there, from both sides.  i've been with alcoholics/addicts, and am one myself, in recovery.  i've also counselled that population. 

i'll be interested to know how this all turns out.  and, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. 

i once had a couple for therapy where the man smoked pot every day.  he told me he didn't have a problem, that he was in a band, and that's what band members do.  i asked him if he'd be willing to stop smoking for as long as we were having sessions.   (this could be the same for drinking or any other addiction).  he agreed.  what happened that i thought was interesting was how much of a difference his wife could see once he wasn't smoking.  she never realized how different he was without it because she was so used to him being high every day.  and, she was able to tell him that she liked him better when he wasn't high.  it was a turning point in their relationship.

the point of this is that you will be with a different partner if he does, indeed, stop drinking, and it may feel uncomfortable to you at first.  with your family history, i would imagine you're very used to the thought processes, and behaviors of active drinkers, people with whom you have been close for a great part of your life.  that's why getting into a support group for yourself (al-anon) is so important for you, whether he stops drinking or not.  your own dynamic with active drinkers probably has its own patterns that you may be unaware of (such as your reference to going to bed and inviting him to hit you). 

addiction, as it has been said, is a family disease, which means the addictive, dysfunctional dynamic between the parties involved (you and your partner) doesn't necessarily stop once sobriety appears.  both people have issues to be explored, understood, and resolved to make the relationship a happy, healthy, adult relationship.  i'm rooting for you.

3roses, you just made my day!  gotta run, but wanted to tell you thank you for what you said.  love you for it!  big hug!

*possible triggeres*

i took the chakra test, and discovered that both my crown and root chakras were out of balance.  but, it's my root chakra that is in truly bad shape.  it came in at a -50%!  it's not even at 0, and, in fact, is far, far below it.

i began thinking about my life, my childhood, and realized that i remember my mother telling me how i had to have an anal cyst removed when i was still very young - under 2, possibly when a baby.  then i remembered that my parents were extremely concerned about bowel movements, having them daily, and that i remember them giving me enemas, but i don't remember ever complaining of feeling constipated.  this was happening before i was 9.  i don't really remember how many times it happened, but i sense that it was more than once.

for much of my life i've felt 'floaty', like i floated through life just seeing what was coming next, taking part, not planning anything, very spur of the moment, flying by the seat of my pants.  this makes so much sense now.  without a functioning root chakra, how could i possibly feel grounded?  know who i am?  know what i want?  anything that pertains to self-knowledge at all?

i began doing the meditation described at the eclectic energies site, focusing on my root chakra.  when it said that it should be akin to a transparent clear red color, in my mind's eye i saw mine as being the color and opaqueness of dried blood.  whew!  this is an awful feeling just writing about it.  i want to weep for my little girl-me. 

i have also been doing those energy exercises that 3roses suggested, and they are working well, so far.  it's only been about 3 days, but when i've tried other types of energy work i knew immediately that it didn't suit me, and was disturbing rather than helpful.  this didn't feel like that at all.  so, thank you 3roses for suggesting them.  and, than you, macandrui for this info as well.  i'll be looking it up, see what i can find out.

i just feel so bad that i'm such a mess in ways i'd never have guessed.  so sad, so weary that there's even more work to do, more areas to focus on.  glad for the explanations, but i'm also feeling like i'm too old for this sh*t!!!  dang!  i f***ing hate all those people who did this to me!  and who have gotten away with it, living their little lives with no frickin' justice!   aaaargh!  pisses me off!

ok, that came out of nowhere!  just more anger triggered by new information.  i hate this sh*t!

sandstone, may i be so bold as to suggest that couples counseling may be a good idea for the two of you?  if he's serious about wanting to stop drinking, a therapist may be able to help guide him to resources, such as 12-step groups (AA), informative books, etc. (and those might help both of you as well) so that he can have support for his quitting, and you can both learn more about what alcohol addiction is all about.  and, an al-anon group may be very helpful for you, too.  again, support is available, as well as tools for coping with alcoholic behavior.

i also noticed in your post that twice you denigrated yourself, calling yourself stupid and feeling ashamed because you lashed out at his inappropriate behavior.  you may feel stupid and ashamed about your actions, but you don't have to.  addictions and addictive behavior have a life of their own, and when we grow up with them, it is a life with which we are familiar, and, therefore, comfortable.  however, our feelings about the behavior are natural as well.  anger, frustration, anxiety, and whatever else may be in that mix are not only about the present, but, i'm guessing, they're about the past, too. 

and, trying to explain to an active alcoholic how you're feeling, especially when said alcoholic is drinking, will not be understood.  yes, i've seen the change in the eyes in my narc ex, and i knew that the man i was married to had gone, and someone else had taken his place.  but, even when not drinking, an alcoholic mindset cannot grasp the perspective of recovery, even if it's recovery from something different, like c-ptsd.  it's like you're speaking a different language to him, one that he doesn't understand.  and, even more, one that he is not able to understand unless he gets into recovery himself, and begins to work on his own issues.

i hope some of this is helpful, and/or makes sense to you.  best to you.  if you both go down a recovery path, i believe that the two of you can heal together.

from what you wrote about your history with your mum and trying to talk to her, i'd say you took a big step, and the result was a change for the better.  as 3roses said, that's a gift, and one you gave yourself.   good for you - i acknowledge your bravery, courage, and perseverance.  and, very glad your mum was able to be accountable for her part in that.

i'm not surprised you have an alcoholic partner.  we often pick people to be with in later life to mirror what we had gotten comfortable with in childhood.  not that we like it, it's just that we're comfy with the behaviors, the chaos, and not knowing exactly what to expect when.  best to you with all that.  i hope you can continue to share your progress.  we're here for you. 

you said that you and your wife are in both couples and individual therapy.  i think that's a good start.

a personal example:  my husband and i, married for 14 yrs..  i am suffering from c-ptsd, brought about by past relationships.  however, in our couple relationship, there were things that i went along with from him until i began getting healthier/being able to set boundaries to the point that i began telling him what i didn't want in our relationship anymore.   

he argued at first, i kept battling for my rights, began showing him printouts that i found online as to what constitutes a healthy relationship as far as rights and communication are concerned.  he has been able to acknowledge what he was doing that was abusive to me, and is in the process, through therapy and self-insight, to make the changes necessary so that we can stay together and have a good relationship for both of us.

was he part of the c-ptsd for me?  yes, in the abusive ways he talked to me, treated me at times.  was he the original cause?  no, but i was struggling with healing from my past issues as long as he was continuing to stay unhealthy in the relationship with me.  it was a matter of trust and safety issues - i wasn't able to trust that the verbal abuse wouldn't show itself at times, therefore i didn't feel safe.  and, feeling safe is the first level of being able to move into healing other issues.  it's pretty difficult to do that if you don't feel safe in the first place.

although no one is going to be perfect at any of this all the time, abuse cannot be allowed, not of any kind.  it simply triggers past issues, and the whole ball begins rolling again.  it will be to your and your wife's benefit if you can pinpoint what, exactly, is abusive to her.  this may be something to explore either just the two of you, or in a couples session.  those, then, are the issues you take into your individual therapy to work on, and to eventually resolve so they don't happen anymore.  and, in your couples session, guidelines can be set up, as to what she would do if you do, indeed, slip.  this way, you both have a map of what's happening, why, and with that, understanding of what triggered the slip in the first place. 

these issues are many-layered.  i give you a lot of credit for wanting to work on your issues in order to continue to be with your wife in a happy, healthy, safe way.  it can be hard work, painful at times, to look at what's going on with you and why.  and, may i suggest you drop the idea of 'that's who i am' and change that to 'that's who i was'.  'who i am' is extremely limiting, puts up walls against change, and essentially blocks personal progress.

best to both of you on this journey.  i sure do hope it works out for the best for both of you.