Messages

  Glad your cat made it home. I just joined too after learning about CPTSD and reading the book from Surviving to Thriving. This community has already been incredible. Welcome.

Despite knowing through and through what I believe, I've struggled here, too.  I'm a Christian with deep convictions about who God and Christ are, and yet, everything began to feel confusing and muddy when I started to realize that nothing in the world around me was what I thought it had been. 

This. I'm still reading Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving and am a little more than halfway through and it has completely shattered my concept of reality and has been forcing me to relive horrible parts of my childhood and NOTHING seems to be what I thought it was and yet at the same time it's all making sense but it doesn't feel good. I don't even feel like I'm at a point to ask god those tough questions yet because I'm still trying to digest I have these tough questions to ask. I've been finding my mind getting stuck on the phrase "Bad bad. People are bad. Everything bad." And keep having to break this loop, but I just can't bring myself to be vulnerable to people right now. Everything feels wrong but it all makes sense which doesn't make sense. I feel like I'm spinning. Please tell me it'll stop and I'll get my bearings again. I feel in a state of shock .

This is one of my biggest triggers and I'm a freeze/fawn so I never do anything but berate myself after even though I know I couldn't help it after the EF passes. I work at a library in a poor community and overhear children service meetings and see so many abused and neglected children. My co-workers do a great job both with them and with me when my EF wears off and the loss of adrenaline causes a meltdown.

This was in no way helpful but ugh. I empathize with you.

My nightmares are getting out of control. Yesterday I was on the phone with insurance and after I got off, I had an instant splitting migraine so bad I couldn't process the call. I think my brain literally burnt out and malfunctioned. I woke up at two from another reoccurring nightmare about crashing in a broken elevator and after I calmed down, I realized the result of the call was I can't afford therapy. I have completely lost my faith in god and am so discouraged and shaken to my core. I couldn't sleep after the nightmare except for an hour when I curled up on the floor (am I the only one who finds the floor more safe than beds or  couches?). I don't know what to do. I was so tired when i got to work that I left right away and since my nightmares have been horrid for the last two weeks, I literally collapsed from exhaustion when I got home. Any tips on managing nightmares? I think if i could just get a few nights of sleep, I'd be doing much better.

Ugh I assume it's probably C-PTSD related too and this has happened to me but only during very, very high levels of stress and very bad sleep deprivation.

Thanks for the info. It helps I live in a big city so it's just a matter of finding someone. I think I've found a place, I just missed the return call so will probably try again to call tomorrow. They are a wholistic, trauma specialized group that does yoga, emdr, cbt, and other trauma specialized techniques. I feel very fortunate for where I live. If only it made the social/trust-building part easier!

Omg, I just started looking around here but I am amazed how amazed I am to keep seeing other people post things I thought was just me being crazy! For me it's definitely stress induced and childhood stuff, gah. I flounder a lot but when I'm having an EF I will do anything from forgetting words which i profusely apologize for and say my head is mixed up or recently my friend/manager was asking me a question at work and I was trying to answer and she said I looked confused and asked if I needed her to explain more and I said no I was confused because I forgot proper grammar and couldn't figure out how to answer. She's great though and said it was okay I didn't need to so I just used very poor grammar to answer. My co-workers are incredible. I'll stutter sometimes too when I'm in EF which makes me feel so stupid. I never stutter.

Thanks guys. and the book mentioned is actually what I'm currently reading and has been terrifying me how spot on it is to the point I've been feeling physically I'll but at least now I have words to start a dialog when I find a therapist. I've spent years looking for these words.

I'm not sure how much I'll post here because well people...it's not easy for me. However, I'm 27 and a single mother to the most incredible 4 year old. I work at a library (shelving books; no degree and high school drop out). I LOVE my job and my co workers are so supportive and deal with meltdowns which I just realized were being caused by emotional flashbacks (I can't believe these are a thing and that it's taken so many years for me to find a word to describe what the neck is happening; I feel so much less insane).

Finding the C-PTSD diagnosis was so random as I just got a kindle and was searching for free books on PTSD since I had another trigger at work two weeks ago and can't shake the symptoms this time. I randomly downloaded some free ones about it and reading it thought "omg there are actually words that finally describe perfectly what I've been experiencing?! Why has no one caught this?!"

Quick back story: emotional abuse from an explosive anger mother and I'm a very anxious person. Severe bullying. Sexual abuse outside home. Other traumatic stuff that makes me sound pathetic and I really hate talking about it. Self injured for 11 years starting when I was 13. Multiple suicide attempts and should be dead. I'm not but during an incredibly self destructive period when I was early 20's I got pregnant and didn't know father. No one wanted me to keep my daughter but I did and swore she'd have a better life and I got my act together. This year I hit my 3rd year recovery and am working on writing a book about my story but hit a rut. Some days I question what I'm doing and if I'll ever make a difference in this world.

I spent 10 years in therapy and have literally had every diagnosis from just depression to bpd, did, schizoaffective, and everything in between. I stopped because of inconsistent and poor treatment. I'm incredibly distrustful of mental health workers because of horrible experiences and ineffective treatment. I'm so relieved to find this diagnosis because it has given me words to describe what's going on. I hate feeling like a child and can't say how glad I am I'm apparently not the only one.

So yeah. Some days are good and I really do love life, but I get triggered and it messes my head. I get nightmares and my thoughts get so mixed up. I get so anxious and feel like I'm going insane. This last trigger was so bad that I have a call out to a therapist to see about getting in to see her who is specialized in trauma and then I found these books.

I am very active in church and sometimes feel like a piss poor Christian and that I just need stronger faith, but I do have a great pastor who I've been able to confide in multiple times and these thoughts come solely from me. I also, like I said, have wonderful, supportive co workers, many who are also in therapy. It was hard to make that phone call. I don't trust people and it took over two years for me to trust my current support system. It terrifies me to think about going back into therapy, but I need help.

I love to play guitar and write and have a blog called Beloved Unlovables because I want to share my story and inspire others to share theirs and to spread the message all people are beloved and deserve to be loved as they are right now. Sometimes I'm better at preaching my message than listening though. Still, I want to make a difference in this world and encourage and inspire others, but I'm a little stuck right now. Thanks for listening.

~L