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[dysregulated self comfort]

Preface: I don't struggle with over-eating; I actually have the opposite problem. However, I've been thinking about it a lot recently based on what the people in my life have told me, and some things that have been posted on this forum. So, I wanted to share my thoughts in hopes that it helps someone. If I'm totally off the mark, then I apologize.



As a lot of people know, learning about nutrition and healthy eating choices is often not enough to enable us to manage our weight as we would like. Of course, we need to apply that knowledge to see the changes we are looking for. Applying that knowledge is difficult to do, even in the best situation. Trauma really interferes with the way our mind works, and is certainly not the best situation, making it even harder, perhaps impossible, for us to apply that knowledge on a consistent basis.

I've been trying to find a way to overcome that difficulty, and something Kizzie said really stood out to me. Kizzie said that over eating is a way of comforting ourselves, and that in order to stop over eating, we need to find a different way to fulfill that need for comfort.

I think that need for comfort is really important, and a good, healthy function of the mind. It's a form of self-care. People suffering from trauma really need to be comforted. So, we shouldn't disregard it, but we should find more, alternative ways to fulfill it. That's pretty difficult to do too, and I think it may be unique to all of us. This led me to the thought: "overeating is a dysregulated form of self comfort" ... and, as far as I know dysregulated self comfort is a complex term for the word addiction.

Now, addiction is something I have struggled with. I can really relate and speak from experience on that topic. In my experience, society has an extremely poor understanding of what addiction really is, and as a result fails to handle it well. Please be careful if you look in to addiction treatment, I found a lot of it to be more harmful than helpful.

However, I found this video, which Kizzie linked a while ago, to be extremely helpful. By making changes in my life, based on the information of this video, I've been able to break all of the addictions that I struggled with for so long.
Click Here for the video (YouTube).

So, hopefully this is helpful for someone! I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks on this topic.

@jazzy
I very recently figured out that I have an eating disorder along with orthorexia. Self diagnosed.
I now understand that I have had an unhealthy relationship with food all my life.
I used to steal and hide food and steal.money and eat chocolates and sweets and everything else till I felt sick.
Shame has played a big part along with CSA.
I kind of agree with food being for comfort.  I haven't yet figured out what to replace it with.
But with slowly practicing self compassion it's a bit for understandable albeit still not under control.
My father was addicted to drugs and alcohol and barbiturates all his life.
Food being different than narcotics I really struggle with binging.
I will certainly watch the video. Dr. Mate's videos have been helpful in understanding my own toxic behaviour patterns.
I hope I am able to understand and develop a better relationship with food.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the video.
I continue to learn a lot from everyone here.
🙏

With my parents.
I've been carrying around their insecurities and incompetance thinking they were my own inalienable traits for SO LONG.


I'm still not all the way there, but I think I can see the forest for the trees. I think I can see the confidence in my anger. I feel like Sisyphus rolling a bolder uphill but I think I'm starting to see that the things I've been so ashamed of and thought of as shortcomings came from them and how utterly incompetent and neglectful they were at raising a child- and also life in general. All I've ever done in life is try to fix these problems without the right tools. I put in so much effort and so many tears without any real direction, as a child, and they couldn't even address their own mistakes? I'm not the incompetent one.

I can't say it and mean it all the time yet, but when I'm given half a chance I seem to be pretty hard-working. I seem to try harder than others before giving up, and have a bit of resilience when things are difficult. I, as a person, even in my coping mechanisms, exhibit traits that don't line up with all this shame and blame. I'm definitely not the one who messed up a whole dang kid and then blamed the kid and guiltily hid away the evidence.

I know this post kind of sounds like a downer, I'm feeling some sadness and anger for myself, but I'm also feeling more tenacious and confident then I have in a while. Hopeful, I guess, that all these negative parts of myself that feel branded into my personality might scrub off after all. After all this time. It's bitter-sweet. I wonder who I am underneath all of that.

@goblinchild
Your post makes me glad, sad and angry, all at the same time.
Glad that the entire aspect of shame finally found its home.
Sad that it happened in the first place.
And angry because the same thing happened to me.
And I continue to struggle with shame so insidious, so pervasive, that I don't even realise.
I am good at so many things and yet I struggle to keep routine and so many other things that come easy to everyone else it seems.
But just like your recognition of your shame that was put there, I also found out the shame was instilled in my by my parents.
I am so very proud of you. It must be so hard for you.
I wish it never happens to anyone.
I pray, may you find more healing and peace and resolution of your pain, just as I seek for mine.
🙏

Such a lot to deal with, but I really get what you are saying and where you are coming from. My parents were very similar, except for issues with alcohol and drugs.

I've noticed the issue with clothes very often on this forum. In the past, I was utterly clueless about clothes. As I have healed a bit, I have found a way of dressing that I actually feel OK with. I now dress and resist the urge to change my initial choice. It generally works, whereas trying different things causes stress.

You deserve to feel happy about yourself, but I know how hard it is.

Such a lot to deal with, but I really get what you are saying and where you are coming from. My parents were very similar, except for issues with alcohol and drugs.

I've noticed the issue with clothes very often on this forum. In the past, I was utterly clueless about clothes. As I have healed a bit, I have found a way of dressing that I actually feel OK with. I now dress and resist the urge to change my initial choice. It generally works, whereas trying different things causes stress.

You deserve to feel happy about yourself, but I know how hard it is.

@Libby183
I find your observations about dressing up interesting.  Next time I dress up I will pay attention.
Generally till now, I would either pick up clothes from the men's section or pick up whatever will cover my body. Deliberately dressing down, even doing my hair the way my narcissistic mother would do, just shoved oil and plaster it into a plait. I hate it and yet kept doing it. Some part of childhood sexual abuse is to blame for that. But for certain their deliberate attempts at repressing any sexuality on my part just destroyed my feminity.
It has been so hard trying to find myself.
Even going to get clothes is hard.
Just looking nice, triggers the shame
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with this.
Specially when I realise, how many opportunities I lost, how I am struggling, how I hurt people unknowingly,  how I could have done so much better for myself and my family, I mean my husband and my kids.
Healing is so difficult.
And thank you for replying back.
It helps.
I don't have friends.
Hopefully I will find some here.
🙏

You have experienced so much pain. Yes, it is really hard. I'm glad you are here to get support. You deserve care and kindness.

@notalone, thank you for reading and getting back.
I am glad too I am here. Atleast I can vent and rant if need be and people here won't tell me to get over it.
Or if I don't want to watch certain series or news, my anxiety and re experience of trauma will not be laughed at.
In absence of access to therapy,  this site has offered so much learning and understanding and more than anything,  acceptance.
Thank you

It took me 40 years to realise, that what I went through was abuse.
I was always told I was born cute but then God knows what happened. Apparently I became ugly for both my parents who thought they were a catch.
Irrespective of my husband and scores of other men and women appreciating my looks I always feel ugly and dress up.like *.
Very recently only I am slowly trying to dress better.
I was told I was a failure.  No one taught me at home. I was supposed to study and be a topper on my own, while my father was busy with alcohol and drugs which he managed as hemhad a decent govt job. And my mother pretended to teach us.
I am bright but find it difficult to follow through. Many other issues which were solely my problem as they both were super intelligent.
The treatment was same for my siblings.
I feel constantly ashamed of being unsuccessful,  financially not doing so Well, angry at failing at thongs for no fault of mine. Being in such a dense fogged up mind that I feel I was living in absolute chaos. Its just a few last years the fog has begun to dissipate.
The inner critic shut shames me when I try to dress ( how my mother used to call me a who$e), and other words.
The inner critic heightens my anxiety to a fever pitch of perfection anticipation, and I give up before even I try.
I feel so much rage at them. They both destroyed me and my siblings.
I tried to kill myself twice. That was 20 odd years ago. That was also blamed on me being stupid.
I had overdosed on barbiturates which had been prescribed to my father.
No one took me to the hospital . I don't know how I survived.
I went through sexual abuse as a child upto pre teens and it was not even acknowledged at first and then I was blamed. I was made to dress up so *. I feel she denied me food as well.
We siblings were beaten  mercilessly.

I binge eat. I work out get it shape and then screw it all up.
I feel so much negativity is inside my head in their voices.
It's so hard. Any tips ?
I  am glad I found this site.
I learn a lot. And feels like a safe place.
Thank you for reading

If it's okay, jazzy, I'd like to second your recognition of all who visit here, whether they can share or not. Just coming here indicates it may be too hard to accept that there can be a place like this forum where the harshness of life with cptsd can perhaps be softened just by finding others who've been hurt.

I was reminded of a poem by Rumi which speaks of guests that reads:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jalaluddin Rumi

Thank you woodsgnome.
You put it perfectly. The trauma subsides momentarily when you encounter others who have been scarred just like you and worse. As if the pain binds us. And perhaps together, in our own separate way, maybe we can find a safe healing place for ourselves.
Thank you

Dear Guest,

I don't know who you are, or what you've been through. I don't know how you're doing, or what you're facing. However, given that you are here, I


expect it has been difficult, so I want to offer you some encouragement.

You are worth being cared for and loved, both by yourself and others. You deserve to heal and live a happy, full life. I wish you all the best, and peace from the storm.

Jazzy

--

It amazes me that every day I am here, I see 50+ guests online at the same time as me. There are so many people that come here, and I just want to acknowledge them in a positive way.

Thank you Jazzy.
I am new and scared and angry and ashamed and raging.
Just that you took time to write means a lot.
Thank you

Hello smindia.

I am very sorry to read about all you have been through, and everything you are trying to deal with in the present. You are in good company here.

I don't have any advice specific to binge eating. When my CPTSD was at its worst, I was scared of eating. I do think that you are absolutely right to avoid diets, and I would suggest that, as you learn more about coping and healing from trauma, the eating issues may start to ease, as part of the whole picture. That has been my experience, and I hope it's the same for you.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

Hello Libby183
Thank you for reading and reaching out.
I am going to try not to rush into cutting calories or dieting. Just feeling heard here and knowing that there are people who have gone through similar and worse stuff, and yet they are trying to be kind, atleast makes me feel a bit at peace.
Knowing that there are people out there who feel and struggle the way I do.
I knew about this site since earlier this year, but have been very scared and paranoid to post.
But I am glad I did.
Thank you again

Hi, and welcome.

I don't have tips on binge eating.

I hope soon you can find a way to afford therapy. It makes me so angry that people who need it most are least able to afford it, thanks to the abuse in the first place.

Everything you wrote here makes sense and you have good company here in untangling these massive tangles we have been dealt.  I'm sorry for the abuse you went through

Thank you for reading all that and replying back. I too am working towards being able to afford therapy in future.
Just reading people here has given me so much insight and understanding into my own trauma.
Thank you again 

Hello very long post.
Apologies for that.
I am struggling currently with my inability to manage my binge eating.
I have been through emotional,  physical and CSA.
I have a loving family of my own now. My husband  and two kids.
I am a personal trainer and not able to get in shape is just eating me up.alive.
I try to talk to inner me and be calm and patient.  But I know I am rushing and trying to heal wounds that are much deeper.
But I end up sabotaging myself and binging.
Yoga helps but then again I get impatient and try to cut calories or whatever and then I binge.
I hide food, ferret it away and eat alone outside.
I feel so much shame
I have been suicidal. But that was years ago.
I feel ashamed at being unable to manage food and get into shape.
I haven't had contact with my surviving parent (mother) since 2 years or so.
Financially I can't afford a shrink.
Any tips regarding food will be helpful.
I have personally decided to not diet or cut calories too much. Eat clean and slowly start with yoga.
I do weights,  feel string and then again sabotage it
I feel so angry when I read posts here and start recognising my own abuse.
I just figured out last year that I have CPTSD.
And the other symptoms started being more understandable.
Anxiety, and so.much more.
I have felt ugly, shameful,  worthless all my life.
I always used to feel I am that.
Despite being reasonably okay looking, I dress up like a vagabond.
I deliberately dressed to hide my feminity as I felt shut shamed all the time inside my head.
I can't listen or watch traumatic news or movies as I start reliving them and I feel so involved
I feel so much anger and shame when I feel hungry.
The people here seem to have had so much inflicted on them, it seems like a refuge to me.
Any tips on healing from binge eating?
Thank you to whoever took time to read.