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I appreciate everyone believing me. We all deserve that.

I don't care how long ago it was or how young I was or how much I don't remember or that the perpetrator is deceased. My feelings are valid.

***Trigger Warning

My mother's friend's boyfriend (who later became my stepfather) took me under the bridge near my home several times probably starting when I was 2 years old and I don't know what year it ended and I was sexually assaulted multiple times and in various ways with objects and penis in my mouth and vagina.

I hid in my closet under my blankets when the perpetrator was coming. As a young child I drew pictures of figures with penises and got upset and tore them up and threw them away. When the perpetrator became my stepfather, I locked myself in my room all the time. He called me a slut and said all kinds of horrible things about me. I ran away to another family member after a physical assault. When I got a boyfriend and tried sex at age 16 I was not physically a virgin at all. I've suffered nightmares. I can't emotionally handle sex with men. I like sex with men and women, but it's less scary with women. I fear I screwed up big time marrying a man, but he doesn't want to divorce me.

I am not bad. I'm trying to convince myself that even though there are obstacles I will recover.

I'm sorry these things happened to you. Your memories and feelings are valid. You are an amazing person capable of whatever you set your mind to.

Sounds like you feel trapped.  Don't be afraid to call every place that could help you. When you think you're out of options, keep looking because there is always something you haven't tried. Pets are family and support when no one else understands, mine certainly are. More and more shelters will accept pets or have temporary foster arrangements for pets while someone is seeking shelter. If your only chance to talk to someone about an abusive situation is during a doctors appointment, make up a reason to visit asap and ask to speak to the doctor alone. It's your right.

I'm already plenty later in life (not that age is anything but a number). What hurts so much is that the trauma will never really be resolved enough. Kind of like AA says an alcoholic is always in recovery. I wouldn't consider myself unstable, other than being underemployed (I work as paid writer as I can get freelance work) and lacking in social opportunities (because I don't have coworkers).

In my last job working with developmentally disabled people in a group home, I was only seriously triggered once, but that was an assault that wouldn't be tolerated in almost any other job. A client grabbed my breast. What bothered me was that assault from clients was treated as normal (I though the abuse I suffered in early childhood was normal). So I would rule out working with those who could get physical. Perhaps that rules out too much. I tried to line up another job before I resigned, but it didn't work.

Personality wise I am well suited for creative pursuits, but I haven't felt like crafting or writing fiction in a while. And a creative living is not an easy one financially. If I had an established social life, it wouldn't be so bad, but I end up not seeing anyone beyond the grocery store for weeks at a time. I'm not in a big city so writers groups aren't very active.

Love the openness and honesty. I have had no luck with pharmaceuticals. While it's great for those who are helped by them, I'm tired of the insistence that they are the best or only course of action.
There's a good documentary on netflix for DMT and another for Ayahuasca. I've read that psilocybin can rewire the traumatized brain.
While visiting a legal state, I tried a sativa type cannabis and felt great even though I smoked quite a bit. I tried gummies that were concentrated THC and got anxiety (no worse than too much caffeine) so it's whole plant products only for me. A very low dose CBD tincture just made me sleep really well as did the bath product.

I've had a lot of questions on my career path. I'm a writer, but the freelance work I have now isn't anywhere near enough financially and there is no human interaction. I'm really dissociated from my talents and interests. After lots of setbacks, no possible career path excites me. I'm not upset at the idea of not becoming a counselor. I don't currently have one so no role models.
There's that horrible inner critic that tells me I'm incapable, and I try so hard to be positive. No therapy or medication ever touched it (and I tried different ones off and on for many years). For me, there is no "what did you want to be before the trauma" because I was a toddler pre-trauma. Everything I've ever wanted to be was about fixing things for someone else (wow that's a new insight).
I've tried personality tests and can maybe try another career test, but I don't know anything.

much love. You are showing great courage and resilience.

I'm new here too. I did try some sessions of EMDR after reading about it extensively (I've applied to grad school to become a therapist), and I know a child therapist who recently went through the EMDR training.
Make sure you are clear with the therapist what you want to work on and how much of the session you want to spend doing EMDR and do not rush to the most emotionally charged memories. I first worked on it with a memory that was not repressed and had lesser trauma associated with it and it did decrease the emotional charge. When it came to repressed memories with deeply held physically charged emotion, it brought back my memory and I had long drives home bawling my eyes out. It was bad because the sessions were so short and appointments were widely spaced out.
With EMDR, it is much better to have a few long sessions over a shorter amount of time than the short ongoing sessions many clinics offer so I would talk to the therapist about options for double appointments when doing EMDR or at least saving any lengthy "how are you doing" talks/progress questions for the end of the session and do EMDR at the beginning of sessions to make sure you have time to process what comes up.

I'm currently working from home and it feels lonely. Sometimes, I just want to scream "I'm here."
Being afraid sucks so I'm fighting it.
I finally got a diagnosis of PTSD a couple of years ago. I had EMDR therapy to uncover repressed memories of csa. I was so young that I have no idea about life without CPTSD. I knew the risk of getting emotionally worse because memories are repressed for a reason, and I just felt worse afterward. I thought knowing would be enough. I had to discontinue therapy because I had to drive out of town to therapy at a sliding scale clinic, and I don't have insurance to cover it.

I just applied to grad school to become a therapist, and I'm not sure I'm making the right choice. I wonder If I'll be good at it, and I wonder if it could make my struggles with CPTSD worse.
I don't remember life without CPTSD because of abuse from such a young age. I personally have yet to find a therapist to work with long term, mostly because I don't have insurance. Maybe I want to become what I want to see in the world, but am I too damaged to do that.