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[WHO CAN I TRUST?]

Been a while since I've been here . . . unfortunately, I've fallen into the hole of depression. I'm in the USA and all you have to do is check the news to see why. I'm silently screaming and typing in all caps, bold, italic font: WHO CAN I TRUST?

And lately, it seems like the answer is, "few!"
As much as I love my husband, I feel like in some discussions, he plays Perry Mason to my Hamilton Burger. (Go Google them both if you don't know who I'm talking about.  ) I can't hold a conversation if I feel like I have to talk like a lawyer.
 

: waving : Right now I'm doing writing and trying to get a handle on the house!

Some good news: Last Saturday I finished my VERY LAST PROOFING JOB! Since my loan debt is paid off, I don't have the need for the job anymore. So I gave my notice and I'm taking a break from paid work.

    

In the good: The student loans are PAID OFF    and as of next week, I will
no longer be proofreading.    I'm tired, burned out, and I need a break.

In the bad: I am very sad. A couple I know is leaving our church. They are going to where most of their family goes so it makes sense, but it makes me think, why make church friends if they're just going to leave?

:possible trigger for religious language:

I can't figure out gender roles in the Bible. Everyone has an answer. Everyone believes they are right and everyone can prove they're right by Scripture. I am afraid of getting it wrong and going to *. I am afraid of confiding in my BFF because I don't want to get challenged or rebuked or anything like that. We disagree on the gender roles issue and I constantly tiptoe around it because I don't want to get into a fight. I think she would be perfectly happy if I moved to her hometown and got rebaptized and attended her church and gave up on gender issues and accepted that women can't preach and women can't teach where men are present. Why do penises and testicles get priority over ovaries, Fallopian tubes, and vaginas?

Current events here are frightening. I am scared and I feel helpless. I can't figure things out. I don't know who is lying and who is telling the truth. PEOPLE CAN AND DO LIE!

Just want to sit and cry right now.

I withdrew part of my IRA to pay off student loans and I may make another withdrawal to pay them off entirely. (We have paid off credit card debt!) And my son just had a birthday. None of that makes me want to cry. But I'm just not happy with things right now. And there seems to be nothing I can do.

(possible TW: mention of tragedy, some politics)

Woke to tragic news of a plane crash this morning; there are around 60 dead near our nation's capital.
This is on top of more developments on the political front that are NOT pleasing to me.
What do you do when you just want out but there is no place to go to and your spouse doesn't see the need and your son might be affected??? I know I'm just screaming here and I don't expect an immediate answer.

In the end you made the decision to do what was in your best interests (which includes the people close to you that you care about). I think you made the right decision.
 

I appreciate that. This morning I asked my husband if he'd had any shots at his doc's visit. When he told me "shingles," that's when I figured out what happened. Many people get wiped out the day after a shingles shot. Same thing happened to me when I got my shingles shot.

Sheesh! after all the agonizing I did about the funeral, I ended up NOT going. My husband said he was "feeling strange" this morning and I was worried about him. The funeral was 45 minutes away and I didn't want to be in a position to have to make a long drive home IF something was going on.

Part of me feels like I was looking for an excuse not to go and that I ended up chickening out. And then part of me thinks that if I had gone, I would have worried the entire time. This is one of those decisions that no matter what you do, you might wish you'd done something else.

Checking in because it has not been a pleasant day in my country. I will give myself credit for ignoring the main event and not falling apart. I had a nice chat with my writers' online group and I finished proofreading for pay!

Tonight will be unpleasant outside because it's cold, but I have an electric blanket so that will help.

     

Grrr. I recently learned that the husband of our former praise team leader died.
(Content warning: Religious/Christian content)
His memorial will be in a few days and I'm debating whether to go. Many former members of my church (we dealt with a split resulting from several issues) will probably be there. one of them unfriended me back in November, citing my "liberal beliefs" and our church leadership "forcing women elders down our throats". She and I were on the praise team together and I'm pretty sure she's going to be at that funeral. I'm afraid of running into her, feeling awkward, and maybe saying things I'm going to regret. Frankly, I'm probably overthinking, but I'm been scared to the point of terror to the point of serious depression, and I should NOT have to be afraid to go to a funeral; especially when I think that the person's spouse would appreciate me being there!

Since I've written so much bad stuff here, I decided to share some good stuff.
I think I may have finished a novel. That is a scary sentence to write because it means I will now have to do something with it!
I've sent it to a writer friend and I'm also researching editing possibilities.
:crossing fingers:

BFF's hubby is better. I did make it down to see her and enjoyed myself.

My FL trip was postponed for a week because my BFF and her husband were both ill with the flu. The husband was not only ill with the flu, but was also ill with pneumonia AND was hospitalized for several days. BFF is convinced that if he had waited a few hours more, he might have died.

I did have a good weekend. Unfortunately, yesterday we were hit with a one/two punch: 1) The car died and it will have to go to the shop tomorrow, and 2) unless the US Congress gets its act together, the government will shut down at midnight on Friday and my husband will go on furlough for who knows how long.

I have a plan in place so lets see if it works!

UPDATE: Well, we've had to change the date for next weekend. Poor BFF is ill. She doesn't want me to be ill and I don't want to be ill! I'm disappointed but I can understand the circumstances.

Here's an example of why I feel overwhelmed. Part of this is not a typical day but breaking it down, it's an example of overwhelmness.

Tomorrow I leave for Florida. My BFF invited me down because she thinks I need a break. I need to check in online after 10 a.m. today.

I have 211 pages to proofread that are due by tomorrow.
We were supposed to have pot roast for dinner tonight. My well-meaning husband made up a monthly meal list and noted that we had two pieces of pork loin in the freezer that we need to use up.
That pot roast will take maybe half an hour to prepare and an hour and a quarter to cook. To have dinner on the table by 5 or 5:30, I'd have to start dinner by at least 3:30.
I see my counselor at 1:00.
It takes around a half hour to get there and back.
I thought about grocery shopping today but if I have 211 pages to proofread, shopping will cut into the proofreading time.
I have to pack tonight.
And get to sleep at a decent hour because I will have to get up by at least 5:00 a.m. to get to our public transport by about 6:00 a.m. to catch a plane that leaves a little after 10 a.m.
The pot roast is also seven pounds.
It is not fully thawed.
It will not fit into any of my pans to brown before I put it in the crock pot or the oven, and I can't cut it up because it's not fully thawed.
And I also would have to peel the potatoes and slice the carrots to go with the pot roast.
It will not fit into our slow cooker, and I'd also have to brown it and cut it up before I put it into the slow cooker, and it will take 10-12 hours to cook in the slow cooker!
And I also don't know how long it's going to take to proofread the 211 pages.
And I also can't predict from day to day how many pages I'm going to get and how long they will take to proofread.
And I also need to shower, dress, make the bed, and keep up on laundry.
Because I'm at home when our son is, I'm the one he goes to when he has something he wants to show someone. That interrupts my "flow" at times.
My workload often keeps me from keeping on top of laundry, dishes, and other things; when they all pile up, I feel even more overwhelmed. The stuff like the dishes and laundry needs to be done DAILY (laundry sorted, washed, dried, folded, and put away).
I need help with managing all of it.
And my husband, with the meal list, thinks he's helping but I don't think he takes into account how long meals take to plan, prepare, and serve!
I forgot to mention that my son, at the moment, is LOUDLY humming and talking along with a favorite show!