Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[tea-the-artist]

Still been rereading. Today's my last day of work before the summer and I got to the entry about some childhood things that might explain/be evidence of neglect.

for a second I tried to prove it wrong. I could feel that invalidating feeling in my chest. I remember when I was in elementary school, we lived in an apartment. Many times after school, I had to go to this place called "The Office" to wait for my brother to come from school to pick me up, or for my dad to come and drive me to his job. I'm feeling really emotional about this. A sad kind that I feel about being lonely as a child.

All those times I waited in the office. I was too small to have my own key and I was notorious for losing things. So I had to wait at the office, which I guess was a place where you go to rent one of the apartments? looking back, I don't like waiting there. I of course never said anything. The office lady was nice to me for the most part. There was a candy bowl I remember and being a kid I wanted to take a piece every day I got there. I did infrequently. I think I mostly felt like a bother. A burden to another adult.

At one time, I watched a pair of people play racquetball from a window above them. Some times I went to another room to watch TV and draw or do some homework sheets. But for the most part that makes me upset is I never did anything but wait. No one interacted with me much. A small kid. 7 years old. 8 years old. No one talked to me at all. Once again I was in one room or another by myself. Why didn't anyone talk to me? I guess the employees were busy.

On days my dad took me to his job, I sat at the back of the store, in the breakroom, while my dad, the manager of the game store, worked. I watched a small retro tv/radio and ate a burger we got on the way. Did my homework. I went out to the floor to look at strategy guides or new games that came out. I liked to play Harvest Moon and Power Stone (if someone came up to play with me, I'd walk away) and Paper Mario. For the most part I was doing things by myself. A child. 7.. 8 years old.

On days my brother picked me up and walked us home, it was a bit different. We'd watch TV together until 4 when I had to go do my homework. It was ok. That first hour. Sometimes we'd draw at the dining room table. Most times I sat in my room by myself keeping busy.

These were school days. That old entry from october brought up some sad feelings for me.

And the grocery store incident when I was a toddler. "Don't ever let me catch you acting like that!" Dad lectures me about a fellow crying kid who wanted his toy or something. I didn't understand it until that entry.

Don't ever let me catch you crying.
Don't ever let me catch you having negative emotions.
Don't ever let me catch you wanting things.

Now I don't like crying in front of people who are supposed to care about me.
Now I actively suppress negative emotions. Well, at least up until recently.
Now I'm not assertive enough to ask for what I need.

At least now I am better at not suppressing negative feelings as much. At least in the comfort of my own space away from others, I can release that. Small attempt to awaken the fight response.

I think a fight response may be something to work towards. That would help me move out, but also help me manage things better. I'll think more on that later.

[tea-the-artist]

what's new today other than once again I woke up, showered and immediately started drasticizing and mentally arguing with my brother. yesterday was his 30th birthday and things were all good. we chatted a lot but most of it i did laundry and he watched videos/movies on his own. by the end of the day i was cleaning up some doors with some wood soap and cleaning the banister when F came out his room staring in a sort of pretend shock that i was cleaning. i ended up cleaning my parents' bedroom door too, along with my brother's.

by the end of the night he didnt seem in the mood to talk. it could be a number of things. of course i am currently assuming it's because it seemed like i was trying to get attention and be the star child by doing cleaning. i mainly regret the cleaning because my fawn  response was in full gear yesterday. i did a lot of petty favors/stuff. did the dishes all week and after today i'll continue doing them since i have this one shift today until 1.

so i guess i felt like i needed to keep being subservient even though it wasn't necessary. now today i feel frustrated about my brother's ending attitude last night. in my head i was telling him he needs to work through his trauma. that I didn't do anything to him by cleaning. then went deeper almost getting to the usual "my trauma is just as real as yours even though nobody cares and nobody noticed I was ever sad when I was growing up!" conversation. i spent almost an hour doing that before leaving for work. i started tear up patting myself on the chest trying to tell myself i didn't do anything wrong and even if he's hurt by my actions, it comes from a place of trauma-reaction (both if I'm right) and not from my abusive/manipulative behavior. for a split second, twice, i could picture holding my child Self.

I'll move on and think about that. the one i mostly picture is carrying age. probably 5 or 6, so a kindergartner. patting my chest with my dominant/Adult hand with my left/Child hand on top felt like i was holding her to my shoulder as I pat her back. so that was good. I still feel teary, a building guilt I can feel. I don't think I did anything wrong. I don't want to pull up how Ive been ignored by everyone my whole life and am genuinely the only person who emotionally looks out for my brother, while I'm the little sibling that ended up having to look out for herself and attempt to care for her own emotional needs by herself (unsuccessfully). I know that's all true, but i feel like i'm doing invalidating now.

at least I could see little tea. I left my earphones at home in a frustrated rush so I cant listen to anything that could cheer the mood until my shift is over.

i'm sure when i get home i'll suck it up and fawn away and if that fails i'll retreat to my room like a failure.

[Wife#2]

Tea, it could be a let down due to unfair expectations on his part. He, being used to you tending HIS needs and it being his 'big 30', may have expected YOU to throw him a party or make a big fuss over him. You treated it like any other day, so he's being sour towards you.

This is my theory only. And, I want to support you in knowing that your actions were not wrong and his disappointment or foul mood are his responsibility.

If you are up to it and WANT to do something for your brother, perhaps you could suggest you and he getting away for some sibling time this weekend. Catch a movie or hit the park and act like children for a while (helps a lot when someone is feeling old) or grab his favorite (affordable) meal together.

He probably wanted to have someone drag him out and 'make' him feel special. That didn't happen, so he's having a go at a pity party, possibly.

If he's still pouting and unwilling to 'hang out' with you, then take some time for yourself! Bring Little Tea to the park or for a movie that you AND Little Tea might enjoy. If you want, you can think (or even say), 'Ok. Suit yourself. I was going to be nice to you, but instead, I'm going to be nice to ME and you can stay here and stew if you want. Love you, brother, BYE' In your most cheerful inner or outer voice. It's surprising how just thinking that can lighten YOUR mood!

Try, I know this will be hard, but try to choose a good mood for yourself for an hour. If that works, stretch it to two hours. Refuse to grant your brother's sour mood permission to ruin your whole day. It takes work and it's absolutely ok if it doesn't happen. Still, it's one way to chip against that wall of emotional enmeshment that everyone in your family expects from you.

HUGS!

[tea-the-artist]

Wife#2 it's strange because we definitely did a lot of interacting yesterday! it was more so strange that he wasn't making it a big deal, but i know he tends to bottle things up, so maybe that is the case that he wanted to feel special even tho a good 90% percent of my attention was on him outside of doing laundry. he seemed to wanna just hang with himself and after long conversations he would dismiss me as he usually would so i could leave him. this weekend we're doing the whole cake shebang since M worked so maybe it'll be different then. but we had ice cream together and i still feel like the ending with the door chores was bad on my part?

maybe he is isolating even though he wants attention and I feel selfish and simultaneously like a tired parent that I did offer and was genuinely gravitating towards him the whole day. he's got a lot on his mind from retaking a certificate test next month to doing job search again today until next week and then back to studies for the test. so I can understand the stress and maybe even his normal desire to want to be alone to deal with it alone.

it's just likely that i'm projecting and placing assumptions onto him and similarly expecting him to be all smiles/cheer and when he's not there's an issue (though I'm projecting inward, while he would project outwardly and confront me).

i wish i had access to transportation or anything because taking him out totally would have been something I'd have done or offered. i still always want to present myself that there's nothing that would make me not want him to be a happy person and know that there's someone that cares for him genuinely, even if it is partly because of our own trauma. like... it didnt feel right to go back to finish laundry or pretty much just not be around him the whole day. and when he wanted me gone, it felt weird and i always tried to linger a bit and we'd goof off. but still, it gave me the feeling of my 23rd birthday when no one was hanging around me and i sat alone for the whole day. just months after his 28th when we sat together to watch a favorite childhood cartoon for over 12 hours.

I donno. i'll know when i get home, but will be even more sure this weekend. thanks for the insight by the way. it's appreciated as always

[Wife#2]

Aww, TEA!  You really, really tried!

This is going to be a challenge. Try and repeat after me: His mood is not my responsibility. Nobody else's mood is my responsibility. I can only control me. Only he can control him.

Also, so you did some chores. So, you were caught by Nfather DOING those chores. Your goal wasn't to 'outshine' your brother, right? Therefore, you can't control how your father or your brother reacted. You were trying to do a nice thing for the household - cleaning common spaces. I hate when no good deed goes *unpunished*.

[tea-the-artist]

trigger warning for caps lock/shouting, probably cursing that i'll block out


it's still early in the evening but i want to write because i'm sad and angry and want to calm down before i talk to friends who sent consoling messages yesterday.

it was going to be a great day yesterday. go to work to make up memorial day hours, go to the bank to take out financial support money, go home and paint and watch a favorite movie.

NOPE!! F says disapprovingly "Why didn't you put on your earrings?" I forgot i left them in my jacket. not that it mattered! but I know matters that i keep up even the pettiest of * gender roles. whatever.

surprise trip to grocery store to get detergent rebate. cool. "what's the size we need to get?" no response. i turn away slightly to show i'm annoyed at that and try shake it off because i'm gonna go home and paint.

still nope! get to self check out. I think we are going to do this separately, and that he only has one rebate for last week's sale price. "stay right there" in that dictator voice like I haven't ever bought my own groceries before. I scan and am about to pay. "Come over here!!" I'm confused so I try to void the item and get an attendant. "Get over here, Tea!" I turn to him and head over, invisibly frustrated of course. he's talking to me as if he explained how we were going to do the rebate. as if I even knew I'd get one too since he didn't hand me anything.

after he pays for his, I'm about to scan, the attendant stops me and has to key in the rebate first. Cool. we set it onto the bag holder and I pay and finish. F tells me to put it into the bag. NO *!!!! who wouldve thought! I know I need to double bag because it's huge. I lift it up -"HOLD ON!" god * damn I must be a giant moron or something!! we leave.

I'm scrolling the grocery app to check some new coupons as we drive off. "YOU FIND SOMETHING ON SALE?!?" I was shaken I barely understood what he was saying. he asks again, I say I'm just checking new coupons. i started to tear up because i imagined him smacking me in the face for scowling at his booming voice.

here's the * great part of the whole day!!!

a car next to us to the right (i'm in passenger side) tries to swerve into our lane. F honks. fine. They flip us off. F honks louder and longer and we drive past. as we're driving, they drive around us to the right off the shoulder of the road and pass us, but they slow down. i've been in a small panic the last 10 seconds as we passed them. panic heightens.

i think we're going to crash. we dont, but f's not slowing down. i think he was yelling. as we get further down the road he goes around them to the passing lane (two lane street) and just ahead is a small school bus coming up. as soon as I saw I'm in full panic almost quiet shouting "dad!! stop!! please don't!! no please don't!" and on the verge of tears feeling like i've already flown out the car.

"WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR??!!" the other car is behind us and turns left as F honks again, yelling at them, and we go straight cross the intersection. again, "WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR!! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!!" i can barely get out that i don't want anything to happen because THEY seemed they could be aggressive and hurt us whether with their car or with a gun or anything.

i get lectured. i'm crying and shaking and trying to drown out his yelling as he misunderstands, thinking i'm upset he honked when i'm upset of fear and that he pulled into the other lane into oncoming traffic even though they were a bit further down. i got lectured all the way to the bank and beforei  could even get out i was still shaking and red eyed but left anyway.

more lecture to his bank, and he told me if his car was old and dingy then "his intentions would be" to run into their car into a ditch and it's awful!! i'm on that side of the car. i'm IN the car!! does he not care?

more lecture on the way home. i tried to sound understanding and agreeing/obedient even though i was still shaken and still focused on how i was yelled at WHY AM I CRYING instead of getting CONSOLED!! instead of being APOLOGIZED TO!!

"Sorry Tea! I didn't mean to make you scared."
"Sorry Tea, I don't want you to be afraid when you're in the car."
"Sorry Tea, I was so angry they had the nerve to flip us off even though they were wrong, but I was wrong to drive aggressively like that, especially with you in the car and I will work to not ever do that again so you feel safe with me driving."

NONE OF THAT. again once again there's no comfort and I knew it wouldn't come to me. that's the price survivors pay, even though those of us who "know better" than to expect what was never given.

i almost didn't tell bro, but i told him the story later on in a more annoyed tone than feared because by nature I know and don't expect he would give any comfort or some kind of reassurance. i didn't talk about how i cried and panicked.

the couple times F left his room i started to cry, like somehow his presence is even scarier than before. i'm very much avoiding him.

it won't happen because my drasticized imaginings don't ever come to life but i ended up constantly picturing myself panicking again in the car and stopping short of opening the door to my friend's car, frozen in place. then inside and panicking and crying and embarrassed.


i haven't done anything for little tea but will do some comfort touches before bed and try to think about consoling her even though i'm not even sure i'll feel safe.

[tea-the-artist]

it only just hit me that he definitely didn't even tell M that i was so upset. that i was panicking! i don't know what she even knows. she definitely didn't come to me to say anything. F didn't come to me to say anything or apologize. it's like when i was in the hospital years ago in an emergency, away at college and my brother ended up telling me how F was telling M to shut up when she wanted to come down and make sure i was ok.

there's just no capacity to love and care in my own father and it really *s me up. how you could visibly see the fear in your own child's face, adult or not, and have no urge to let them know they're ok. that they'll be ok. i don't mean anything at all to him and i still every month hand over half my check to keep us all afloat. he doesn't care about me or any of us at all. outside of being his property. i'm not worth anything to him. if i'm not physically damaged that's all that matters. yet another reason to add to the list of reasons how he doesn't care about my feelings.

[Wife#2]

But, Tea, you ARE physically damaged as a direct result of what he put you through! You're having panic attacks and flashbacks and everything that goes with another injury to you.

As is typical of a narc, there aren't scrapes or bruises, but the wounds are deep! 

It makes me angry for you that you cannot yet escape this situation. Yes, he was acting rashly and recklessly and you were his victim, along with anyone else on the road around both cars.

Yesterday, I nearly got run off the road, with my DS8 in the car, by a car passing who didn't even notice me. By then, it was almost too late. If I hadn't pulled off, he would have hit us head-on. So, this kind of carelessness is fresh on my mind. To think of you strapped in that car, helpless in the situation, then fussed at for crying makes me furious on your behalf.

My personal opinion, having been around narcs, is that tears remind them of the harm they do others. Rather than apologize and mend the relationships, they get angry at the reminder of their own wrongness so then take it out on the very person they wronged. This isn't to excuse him in the slightest. It's just to help you understand how he could be angry with you for crying instead of repentant for scaring you and behaving so wrong while driving.

The saddest part is that you get two injuries for the price of one. Hurt, scared (really - terrified), then diminished for having emotions that don't tell Dear Old Dad that he's the greatest Dad ever!



I'm so sorry this happened to you.

How it's safe for me to respond, since I'm not living in that house with you:  Gee, Dad, you are such a great provider that you require HALF my income to cover your bills. It couldn't be any issues with your personality, could it?  Like the issue that makes it OK in your mind to scare the * out of your daughter, then be mad that she cried about it? Just saying. By the way, if your recklessness had killed me, where would you be then? Think about THAT if you are too selfish to think about me and my feelings. You need my income, so protect me a little better in future, why don't ya?

In essence, it's ok to be angry at him for what he did, how he responded later and how he's still choosing to expect you to 'get over it' so he doesn't have to deal with bad feelings about being a reckless jerk.

[tea-the-artist]

it's dad's birthday and it's been terrible so here's reasons to stay mad. reasons to not ever forgive. **warning for suicide mentions** one day I'll be able to stop questioning if I'm overreacting or am too sensitive.

dad has said many times "I do not care about your feelings." if he does not care about my feelings, a core part of being human, he does not care about me.

multiple times dad was never there for me. not when kids bullied me at school. not when a boy harassed me in the hallway. not when a boy made me feel worthless and consequentially near-suicidal.

dad told me "I'd rather kill myself than have a gay daughter" when I was 14.

mom and dad read all of my journals while was in school, punishing me when I came home that day.

dad threatened to send me away to a detention center to "learn a lesson" because of I cursed in my journals.

dad was never patient. if I didn't understand something that seemed obvious, I would get yelled at or/and lectured.

dad thinks domestic violence isn't that bad.

mom is not a good role model.

dad yelled at me to the point of tears because a friend created a facebook account for me.

dad shows no respect to any natural boundaries that I inherently have as a human and as his daughter.

mom never defended me nor did anything to prevent him from treating me harshly.

dad is an aggressive narcissist. he shows off when he speaks with strangers or old coworkers, while treating his family like we are worthless outside of chores and academics/other performance.

both dad and mom have hit me as punishment. the longevity is irrelevant.

dad has on several occasions made me feel ugly and worthless.

my tears and all non-positive emotions have all always fallen on deaf ears.

dad developed no skills or refused to bond with me in a way that makes me feel emotionally safe.

dad doesn't believe children, adult or not, should get respect, and that mutual respect between children and their parents does not exist/doesn't make sense.

my dad yelled at me just for asking for mutual respect.

mom asks "you don't love your dad do you?" in situations where my anger and sadness towards him is justified.

when dad's angry with someone that isn't you, he takes his anger out on everyone.

brother invalidates me, even though a year ago we talked about him stopping.

dad cared to rather show a woman employee my age, that it's important for her to keep her relationship with her father despite being estranged, rather than show support and love towards his own daughter.

mom and dad forced me to become the parent-child of my older brother before i even got to middle school.

brother compares his and my growing up circumstances in order to make my sadness/frustrations seem unnecessary or irrelevant compared to his own.

dad yelled at me while I was in mid-panic attack while aggressively driving with another aggressive driver.

brother has made me feel like I should be fully concerned with how he is consistently hurt by dad, instead of caring or wondering if  his younger sister is also hurting at all.

dad has made me feel like I must please every man in order to "not be gay," regardless of what I want for myself.

brother does not understand my existing in two toxic relationships: one between my parents and me, and the other between me and him.

brother does not/is not capable of reciprocating the emotional support i've given him through my parent-child role.

dad and brother both have consistently yelled/chastised me for crying/showing non-positive emotions.

brother confirmed today that it's imperative that I wait for him to get his career-ball going before I move out, despite my protest that at some point I just can't keep dealing with being treated like I am worthless trash.

[Blueberry]

Tea, I haven't read your Journal before. Now I've read through most of the final page in it. Your post about what it was like going to the Office after school or to your dad's place of work made me feel really sad. Probably partly because I was neglected at home as well, especially after school.  to little Tea.

As for the long list on your dad's birthday about what all your parents have done and said to you over the years, and also the role your brother is playing in the mess,  - you are not overreacting or being too sensitive! They sound very insensitive. Maybe that's just the way they are. And you are sensitive. That's the way you are. Not too sensitive, as if being sensitive is always necessarily a bad thing. It is good that there are sensitive people in this world. My parents tried to beat / ridicule / scream the sensitivity out of me, but that's not how it works. So no, I repeat, you are not being too sensitive, you are being who and how and what you are.

The list of all they did and said - I can't even read all of it at once - it speaks volumes. That's more than enough to traumatise somebody several times over. And you're still living with them on top of it all. I think you are very strong and brave to manage in that situation, and you also come across as very clear. I hope you are having a better day today.  to modern day Tea too.

[tea-the-artist]

thank you lots blueberry  that means a lot to me after this tiring weekend. i did a lot of thinking and can agree that all this has made me very strong in a way. in a, i can still survive all this. i'm glad my wording seems clear and i can't believe you've read most of it already so i really appreciate that too! today i feel a bit different. more self-protective in a way

[Wife#2]

Tea - I have nothing that I can say to help. Just know we're here with you. I hope you keep making it through each day. I wish you could get into good therapy that could help you see your inner beauty and talent and compassion. 

[tea-the-artist]

thanks kindly as well wife#2! no words necessary, i'm glad youre here as always 

[tea-the-artist]

I think i realize more than ever now that i'm the only one to make change in this family. yesterday I asked MG for reassurance that the offer was still available and he said it's there for as long as I need it. I said it wasn't a confirmation of action or anything, just looking for reassurance after the miserable weekend I had.

I'm now in regret and trying to figure out how to scrounge up some cushion cash before summer ends. I just. need to have some money that can get me regular necessities  before I find new work if i'm gonna move out. i know it's not necessary as I wont be paying rent right off the bat, but it'll keep me feeling assured.

told my mom how year after year brother's been repeatedly saying how nothing's ever going to change. and how still nothing has changed of course. and I said that it seems like now I'm the only one who's able to make any sort of change.

biding my time isn't change. biting my tongue isn't change. its almost reinforcement of the toxic cycle, and somehow my brother can't see that. or isn't acting on that, likely for valid reasons.

in an older entry (entries?) i felt so guilty about leaving him behind to deal with all this alone. how that's kept me here and growing more and more tired. worse for wear. and how saturday he told me that if I were to leave he'd have no one here (to talk to, to vent to, to make days bearable). i felt sad about that as I always have.

but I felt even angrier, that he confirmed it. he said to me later that day that I should "go out and get what I want" and to not "worry about me bearing the brunt" of mine or someone else's actions. part of me feels he didn't mean any of it. a big part. because the question stands: will he be ok if I leave?

but we both have to move past this. forcibly or otherwise. it'll HAVE to happen. one of us will leave first, and the other will leave second and hopefully progress into happier lives. by going out. and getting what we want. regardless the effort. waiting around won't help us. and as i've been told in this very journal, we cannot become healthier in a toxic environment. and i said that to him, we can't grow in an unhealthy place. he agreed, feeling stagnant. so while the issue is feeling abandoned... the reality is that i'm not. i'm still his sister, still gonna call and communicate. we're adults. 24 and 30. part of adulthood is not waiting around for someone else to call the shots and make the moves for you. or move pieces into place for you. that's my take. i'm tired of waiting for him like he wants me to. i may have an outlet of friends but it doesn't change the fact that i'm not getting any better. any younger. one of us has to leap and get through all the obstacles first, and if it has to be me, then i'll suck it up as I always have.

[tea-the-artist]

I don't think I care what comes of it, but I've decided this year I am going to move out. however I can. I fear getting ahead of myself with planning but I feel different and I feel a good kind of angry. I genuinely can't move on staying here. I can't get into a good self care routine while everyone's throwing me back into the toxic cycle. I can't keep doing that. Whatever it takes. If it means returning things to get some cash back, whatever. It's impulsive to say, but really it's been on my mind since december 2015 and i've spent long enough biding my time.