Hello - not really sure where to begin so I guess I will dive right in. I'm a 50 ish year old man, and I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD, while I always knew I had PTSD symptoms. I was an illegitimate and unwanted child born to 2 people who weren't married. My "father" was a liar and cheat, used a fake name, and swore to my mother he wasn't married. My "mother", being a trusting and probably promiscuous person back then (this was the mid 60's), believed him, to only find out after she was pregnant that he was married (even though they were engaged - yes he got engaged to my mother while still married), and I'm pretty sure I was conceived in a hourly rate motel room.
Immediately after being born, and I mean the day after being released from the hospital, I was sent to stay with friends of my father. From there (based on pictures and documents I found after my mother died), I was bounced around between friends of my fathers and my mother's family for about 3 years (she told her family SHE was fostering a child from the church!!!) and eventually landed in state foster care, until I was 4, when, as my mother put it, "rescued" me from that abusive foster home. (She would visit once a week and I was always very confused as to who this woman was who came every week.)
The foster home wasn't kind to say the least.
Both my parents are dead now, and my "father" - who I had one conversation with in my entire life over 25 years ago, where he said, I'm not your father - your mother is a liar and a whore - passed away at the end of February - I only know he passed away because he had 2 children before me and 2 children after me, and my younger half sister tracked me down on facebook years ago. She found out about me as a result my calling and confronting my "dad" for that one conversation 20 years ago. It caused quite a stir in the household. After my mother died I found pictures of the three of us at my grandmothers house during the "fostering a child from the church" years.
I'm sorry if this is rambling. Its kind of all coming out faster than I can type.
Since my father died, I've had these terrible nightmares and have put on generic Lexapro and Prozasin, after I was diagnosed with cptsd, so I'm just learning about it and found this group.
My "mother" was never there emotionally or physically, and in hindsight was manipulative and narcissistic, and masked looking out my best interests when any advice she gave me was only serving her long term interest.
I also discovered after she passed away that she stole money from a lawsuit I won after I was run over by a motorcycle at 7 and pronounced DOA by the first aid squad (because she was wasn't paying attention to me and walked into the path of an oncoming motorcycle that was riding on private property). I sometimes think it was suicide attempt.
She forged my signature when I was a teenager to withdraw funds from that account that should have gone to some kind of post high school education, to buy a car, yes a car.
She forged a note to the judge from me that I needed a car as I was turning 16 and I wanted to start working (I actually was "put to work" at 14 to help pay for things around the house).
She also made me sign promissory notes when I was really young to take of her when she got older. I also found written apologies from me to her begging her not to throw me off my own bed.
Anyway, we wound up moving in with her parents, and my uncle, when I was 4 and to this day, I've never had a good feeling about my uncle, and I've had dreams about him sexually assaulting me for many years now. I've been told that CPTSD suffers will re live real events in their dreams. If that's true, I don't want to believe I was sexually abused by my uncle.
After he died, I found so many porn mags, some of which contained male children (I'm sorry if that violates appropriate use, I only say it because i think it relevant). That makes me think even more that I was sexually abused by him.
Anyway, when my mother became very ill years ago, a few month before she passed away, she wanted to finally have a heart to heart about my father. Well that heart to heart became mostly about how she rescued me from that foster home and all of the "sacrifices" she made for me all her life.
I finally said "why was I bounced around so much in the first place?"
She said with a straight face - "oh my landlord didn't allow children."
That crushed me.
It made me feel like I never mattered to her, ever.
You couldn't be bothered to move to take care of YOUR child whether you wanted it or not? Just abort me or put me up for adoption to a family that really wanted a child!
Bottom line, being bounced around between foster homes for 4 years, then not having a father, and having a mother who clearly didn't want me (she would often say "you know, birth control doesn't always work), combined with getting a full rejection over the phone from my father in my early 20's, has all contributed, as I've learned to my CPTSD.
Now I'm trying to figure out what to do about it.
Thanks to anyone who hung in until the end and sorry for the long intro. Like I said, it all came out really hard and fast once I got going. Today being father's day has triggered something.
Immediately after being born, and I mean the day after being released from the hospital, I was sent to stay with friends of my father. From there (based on pictures and documents I found after my mother died), I was bounced around between friends of my fathers and my mother's family for about 3 years (she told her family SHE was fostering a child from the church!!!) and eventually landed in state foster care, until I was 4, when, as my mother put it, "rescued" me from that abusive foster home. (She would visit once a week and I was always very confused as to who this woman was who came every week.)
The foster home wasn't kind to say the least.
Both my parents are dead now, and my "father" - who I had one conversation with in my entire life over 25 years ago, where he said, I'm not your father - your mother is a liar and a whore - passed away at the end of February - I only know he passed away because he had 2 children before me and 2 children after me, and my younger half sister tracked me down on facebook years ago. She found out about me as a result my calling and confronting my "dad" for that one conversation 20 years ago. It caused quite a stir in the household. After my mother died I found pictures of the three of us at my grandmothers house during the "fostering a child from the church" years.
I'm sorry if this is rambling. Its kind of all coming out faster than I can type.
Since my father died, I've had these terrible nightmares and have put on generic Lexapro and Prozasin, after I was diagnosed with cptsd, so I'm just learning about it and found this group.
My "mother" was never there emotionally or physically, and in hindsight was manipulative and narcissistic, and masked looking out my best interests when any advice she gave me was only serving her long term interest.
I also discovered after she passed away that she stole money from a lawsuit I won after I was run over by a motorcycle at 7 and pronounced DOA by the first aid squad (because she was wasn't paying attention to me and walked into the path of an oncoming motorcycle that was riding on private property). I sometimes think it was suicide attempt.
She forged my signature when I was a teenager to withdraw funds from that account that should have gone to some kind of post high school education, to buy a car, yes a car.
She forged a note to the judge from me that I needed a car as I was turning 16 and I wanted to start working (I actually was "put to work" at 14 to help pay for things around the house).
She also made me sign promissory notes when I was really young to take of her when she got older. I also found written apologies from me to her begging her not to throw me off my own bed.
Anyway, we wound up moving in with her parents, and my uncle, when I was 4 and to this day, I've never had a good feeling about my uncle, and I've had dreams about him sexually assaulting me for many years now. I've been told that CPTSD suffers will re live real events in their dreams. If that's true, I don't want to believe I was sexually abused by my uncle.
After he died, I found so many porn mags, some of which contained male children (I'm sorry if that violates appropriate use, I only say it because i think it relevant). That makes me think even more that I was sexually abused by him.
Anyway, when my mother became very ill years ago, a few month before she passed away, she wanted to finally have a heart to heart about my father. Well that heart to heart became mostly about how she rescued me from that foster home and all of the "sacrifices" she made for me all her life.
I finally said "why was I bounced around so much in the first place?"
She said with a straight face - "oh my landlord didn't allow children."
That crushed me.
It made me feel like I never mattered to her, ever.
You couldn't be bothered to move to take care of YOUR child whether you wanted it or not? Just abort me or put me up for adoption to a family that really wanted a child!
Bottom line, being bounced around between foster homes for 4 years, then not having a father, and having a mother who clearly didn't want me (she would often say "you know, birth control doesn't always work), combined with getting a full rejection over the phone from my father in my early 20's, has all contributed, as I've learned to my CPTSD.
Now I'm trying to figure out what to do about it.
Thanks to anyone who hung in until the end and sorry for the long intro. Like I said, it all came out really hard and fast once I got going. Today being father's day has triggered something.