This is really scary to send, but big "notalone" said it was okay to write on here. So, I am E. My real name is not just a letter, but it is too scary to tell my whole name. I am seven. This weekend we went to our friend M.'s house. (Her real name is a whole word too and not just M.) She knows me and she understands stuff. We brought our bear. She knew about our bear, but had not seen him, so she was happy to meet him. We stayed over night. When I went to bed I felt like I wanted to stay there forever because I feel safe there. Today we went for a walk and colored, but I was mostly in the background. Then after lunch, big "notalone" said, "E would like to sit next to you and watch a movie." So I did. M had her soft, fuzzy, pink robe on her and she put her arm around me and we watched a movie about a dog. I told her I wanted to just stay there. We talked about the movie a bit during it. (It had a happy ending.) Then we had to go. Big notalone is a mom and wife and has a job and lots of big things to do. Before I got into the car I cried because I didn't want to leave. I just wanted to stay there where I feel safe and don't have to pretend anything and hide. M said I can come back any time that big notalone says it is okay and she held me and I cried. In truth, I don't know how much big notalone drove home. Of course I am not supposed to drive because I am only seven. So I just feel sad. And now I need to try and go away because we are home and big notalone has a husband and she needs to spend time with him. (He doesn't know about the rest of us.) Notalone said it was okay for me to write on here that some people would understand and the there might even be other seven year olds. It is so hard to have to hide all the time. I hope this is okay to send and I won't be in trouble.
Hello, E! You're welcome here anytime. And you won't get in trouble! And, I'm sure there are other 7 year olds you can talk with and maybe even play with. Thanks for saying "hello". :wave:
:wave: Hello E! You are for sure welcome here. I'm glad you were able to feel safe and able to enjoy the movie. There are a bunch of good dog movies out right now most of them are emotionally charged but end up happy. I was about 7 when I left the first time there was too much going on I had to hide too so I get that. :hug: hugs if that's ok. That's why I go by Tee. :yes: it's hard to change back and forth when dealing grown up life of a husband and kids. I had to figure that out too. Hugs to you and big notalone. I really like how you changed your font color to purple that's my favorite color. Hope I hear from you again soon. :grouphug:
Hi E.,
Sitting on a couch, feeling warm and safe, and watching a good movie - that´s great! I am glad that you felt so brave, and safe, to say hi and share a little bit about your day with us.
Welcome!
Hello E! :wave: You're safe here, and you can post whenever you like. Give your bear a hug from me.
Hi E, can little six yea told Elpha come sit and maybe even play with you? She loves helping other little ones out and is a great hugger if you ever need it. You are safe here and I am glad you wrote to us :hug:
Notalone, thank you for being open about this. Inner children or parts (have heard both terms) are so important. I am sure many of us have had to figure out how to balance their needs with our own adult lives. I did a lot of work with mine, and over time it does balance out. Just know your are not alone in all of this, :hug:
Three Roses, Thank you for waving to me and for welcoming me and telling me that I won't get into trouble. I get scared about that.
Tee, thanks for saying hi. The dog movie was good, but it gave me a bad dream. The bad dream was just an hour ago so I still feel a little scared, but it is starting to go away. My bear is giving you a hug back. :hug: I love purple too.
Human, it was nice to sit with my friend and feel safe. I'm not brave and don't feel real safe writing on here, but you and other people talking to me helps a lot. Thank you for writing.
Snowdrop, I gave my bear a hug and whispered in his ear, "This is from Snowdrop." He gives you a hug back, although he has short arms! :hug:
Elphanigh, I would like six-year-old Elpha to sit with me. One of my jobs has been to take care of all the kids inside. There is a six year old who I am with a lot. I can't say more about that because she is way too scared. So anyway, it would be nice to be with Elpha. The play part can get a little tricky for me. Another one of my jobs was to go to school and pretend to be like the other kids. Notalone wants me not to have to pretend anymore. I color with my therapist and last time we played a game. So I do that, but then feelings come and then I talk a little. So, yes, I want to sit and play with Elpha, but sometimes I don't feel like playing and I don't want to pretend any more. It is so hard to do that. That was a really long answer. I'm sorry if I said too much.
Notalone wants to relpy to you, but she's pretty far away right now.
Thank you, everyone, for welcoming me and talking to me. It is really nice to have new friends, because only two people (before this) know about me.
It was hard to sleep last night, then Notalone covered us with the weighted blanket. We never used it to sleep before. It helped. Like I said to Tee, I had a bad dream this morning. I still feel a little scared, but it is starting to go away. I'm glad Notalone doesn't have to go to work today. It is really hard when I wake up and she has to go to work. I want to stay in my room and hide, but Notalone has to do things. Usually I see my therapist on Monday. (I'm not always the one who talks to him.) He is on vacation. That is hard for me. I'm glad he is having fun, but it is hard to wait to see him. It makes me feel fear right now to know he is far away and I'm by myself.I guess I should stop writing now. We need to start getting ready for the day, but I really want to hold my bear and put my blanket over my head. I want to eat a big bowl of Lucky Charms, but we don't have it because every time we are in the grocery store and I ask Notalone to buy it she says no. So one more thing. Sometimes the six-year-old part and I go for a walk with Notalone. Along the road are lots of Queen Ann's Lace. Do you know what those are? Those are flowers that look like lace. We picked some a couple of weeks ago and they still look nice in a vase. Notalone isn't walking today, but next time she walks, I wish I could pick bunches of Queen Ann's Lace and give a boquet to each of you. (I don't know how to spell that word. :bigwink:) Good-bye.
Your bear gives great hugs! :hug:
You're so brave taking care of the other kids like that. I want you know that it's OK if you want to play, and it's OK if you don't. This is a safe place for you to be you, and we like you being here.
I love those flowers! Next time I see some I will pick some and think of you.
:hug: thanks for the hug from the bear I had a bad dream last night too that helped. :yes: when I was little I had a doll that my grandma made me that looked like me till I got sick and my M threw her away :'(. Anyway I'm sorry the movie have you had dreams. And that you have to take care of all the others that's a hard job. When we had foster kids we would get family groups where the oldest was like the mom and took care of the younger kids. I always tried to make them feel safe and let me be the mom so they could be kids. My heart breaks for you. My daughter is about to turn 7 she loves to color and draw and build with Legos. I'm glad you feel safe to talk with us. Thanks again for the hug. :hug:
Quote from: Elphanigh on August 05, 2019, 11:33:03 AM
Notalone, thank you for being open about this. Inner children or parts (have heard both terms) are so important. I am sure many of us have had to figure out how to balance their needs with our own adult lives. I did a lot of work with mine, and over time it does balance out. Just know your are not alone in all of this, :hug:
Thanks, Elphanigh. It does get really complex when dealing with my adult life. Even my family and close friends (except for one) don't know about the parts. It makes me feel crazy. My therapist told me I am not crazy, "You protected yourself creatively and mysteriously." Having you and others who understand helps me to feel less alone in this.
I understand it too notalone. I've done a lot of work with inner children and inner teens, also with inner helpers of various sorts - for both Adult me and Little Blueberries.
I'm not crazy, you're not crazy. It's just a method of healing. At some point it gets easier to juggle the needs of Littles and Adults. :hug:
Quote from: Snowdrop on August 05, 2019, 02:30:28 PM
Your bear gives great hugs! :hug:
You're so brave taking care of the other kids like that. I want you know that it's OK if you want to play, and it's OK if you don't. This is a safe place for you to be you, and we like you being here.
I love those flowers! Next time I see some I will pick some and think of you.
Everything you said made me smile. I like thinking of you having those flowers. I need to hear that it is okay to play and okay if I don't, so thanks for saying that.
Tee, I'm sorry you had a bad dream too. That is really upsetting that your mom threw your doll away.
Blueberry, thanks for letting us know that you understand. It brings me comfort and helps me not to feel so alone.
-Notalone & E.
Hi E. I'm little M. I wanted to say hi and thanks for being so brave and being here. I'm a little too afraid to write any more, but I think you're really smart and strong and thanks for showing me its ok to say hi. I'm 7 too.
Notalone, I've been so afraid to think of my parts/my inners as separate because I was sure that meant I was crazy and what would come out, I couldn't necessarily be in control of. It kind of breaks my heart a little. Anyway, It has begun somewhat despite grown-up me, somewhat on its own, but mostly because of the bravery and example of you and others here who share these parts of the journey. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Hi, E. I'm little B. I think you're really brave to speak. I'm really scared to speak and I'm not sure whether I'm a real or not because mostly people don't treat me like I'm real, but my friend is a beanbag lion who wants to hug your bear if that's okay.
Quote from: Bach on August 05, 2019, 11:06:41 PM
Hi, E. I'm little B. I think you're really brave to speak. I'm really scared to speak and I'm not sure whether I'm a real or not because mostly people don't treat me like I'm real, but my friend is a beanbag lion who wants to hug your bear if that's okay.
Hi Little B! I am so happy that you said hi to me. I want to be your friend. My bear has only had human hugs so he's pretty excited about getting a hug from a lion. :hug: You may talk to me any time that you want. I made my writing to you lion color.
Quote from: MoonBeam on August 05, 2019, 10:35:42 PM
Hi E. I'm little M. I wanted to say hi and thanks for being so brave and being here. I'm a little too afraid to write any more, but I think you're really smart and strong and thanks for showing me its ok to say hi. I'm 7 too.
Hi Little M. Thank you for being brave enough to say hi to me. It's kind of neat that we are the same age. :wave: It is okay if you are too afraid to talk/write. We have another part who is six. She doesn't say much, I mostly sit next to her. I would like to sit next to you, Little M, if you want.
Thank you everyone who has talked to me. I was feeling so sad and alone and now I have new friends and I feel so much better. :boogie:
MoonBeam, Notalone wants to say things to you, but she will later, because she's pretty far in the background right now.
Blueberry and your therapist are both right. You are certainly not crazy. Having those little parts is so normal, and a really great healing method for trauma. I am glad that you are discovering them, and I know that you will find the balance you need one day. :hug:
As far as little Elpha goes, she will definitely sit with E. She is good at just being a quiet presence when needed and will only play as E feels like she wants to. Little Elpha has had lots of time to cry, play, sit in blankets and hide etc... she can help E do any of that if she needs it. :hug:
I'm glad to know you E. Glad you are making friends. I never noticed until you that you could change the color. ;D you taught me something. I hope you have a good day. :hug:
Quote from: notalone on August 06, 2019, 02:28:07 AM
Hi Little M. Thank you for being brave enough to say hi to me. It's kind of neat that we are the same age. :wave: It is okay if you are too afraid to talk/write. We have another part who is six. She doesn't say much, I mostly sit next to her. I would like to sit next to you, Little M, if you want. [/color]
E, I would like that. Do you think we could be friends? I would like to be your friend. I don't really have any friends right now. I have a garden I like to sit in. Its really big and pretty with lots of flowers and a bench that is made of stone. Sometimes the bench is chilly--when its shady, and sometimes when the sun has been on it it's almost too warm, but I like it all the same. I can swing my feet cause its kind of grown-up size. Maybe we could sit in the garden and I could tell you what some of the flowers are that I know. I don't know what they all are. I think my favorite is called Dahlia. M.
Quote from: MoonBeam on August 05, 2019, 10:35:42 PM
Notalone, I've been so afraid to think of my parts/my inners as separate because I was sure that meant I was crazy and what would come out, I couldn't necessarily be in control of. It kind of breaks my heart a little. Anyway, It has begun somewhat despite grown-up me, somewhat on its own, but mostly because of the bravery and example of you and others here who share these parts of the journey. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you MoonBeam. What you wrote brought sunshine to my heart.
I have felt like I was crazy because of the parts also. One time, after E spent the session with my therapist, then I came and asked if I was crazy, because I felt I must be. Also in a recent email to my therapist, after telling him something about one part, I wrote, "Very easy for me to slide right now into 'I must be absolutely crazy.'" I will share some of the things T has told me that have been helpful. He said everyone dissociates. That is how the brain works. When people watch a movie, drive and don't think about where they are going etc. If you think about someone who has been in a car accident, but can't remember the entire day, his brain protected him by dissociation. With the trauma that we went through, the brain did what it is meant to do. It dissociated, more dramatically, because of the length of time and depth of trauma. He said people who are not educated about trauma may not understand, but those who are trauma informed know that is how the brain works. He also told me to see myself as an "inventive problem solver" instead of as crazy. T: "Your brain rightly saw grave danger and protected you creatively and mysteriously." T: "I understand that most people won't understand, but they are not your judge or ultimate authority." Hope that is helpful.
Also, thanks to
Blueberry and
Elphanigh for your words of wisdom and experience regarding this.
Notalone
Quote from: Elphanigh on August 06, 2019, 01:15:46 PM
As far as little Elpha goes, she will definitely sit with E. She is good at just being a quiet presence when needed and will only play as E feels like she wants to. Little Elpha has had lots of time to cry, play, sit in blankets and hide etc... she can help E do any of that if she needs it. :hug:
Thanks, Little Elpha. I'm so glad you are my friend and that I don't have to pretend to okay around you. You don't need to pretend with me either. E
Quote from: Tee on August 06, 2019, 01:22:49 PM
I'm glad to know you E. Glad you are making friends. I never noticed until you that you could change the color. ;D you taught me something. I hope you have a good day. :hug:
Thank you. I don't know why people use boring black. :bigwink: Big Notalone says it's easier to see, but I like color! E
Quote from: MoonBeam on August 06, 2019, 09:29:16 PM
Quote from: notalone on August 06, 2019, 02:28:07 AM
Hi Little M. Thank you for being brave enough to say hi to me. It's kind of neat that we are the same age. :wave: It is okay if you are too afraid to talk/write. We have another part who is six. She doesn't say much, I mostly sit next to her. I would like to sit next to you, Little M, if you want. [/color]
E, I would like that. Do you think we could be friends? I would like to be your friend. I don't really have any friends right now. I have a garden I like to sit in. Its really big and pretty with lots of flowers and a bench that is made of stone. Sometimes the bench is chilly--when its shady, and sometimes when the sun has been on it it's almost too warm, but I like it all the same. I can swing my feet cause its kind of grown-up size. Maybe we could sit in the garden and I could tell you what some of the flowers are that I know. I don't know what they all are. I think my favorite is called Dahlia. M.
Little M, I am very excited about being your friend. I would love to sit in your garden. Have you ever read the story, "The Secret Garden"? If you haven't, maybe Moonbeam could get it from the library on CD for you to listen to. I don't know too much about flowers so that would be nice for you to tell me the names of the ones you know. E
:hug:Have you ever seen the movie"the secret garden". There's a few of them out at this point. I like the one that came out when I was little. From 1987. I think I like cause it came out when I was 7 and wished I was the little girl. Cause then I could live in a cool Castle and not in my current situation. And the garden was so pretty and she had friends. You should ask big notalone to get it for you to watch. You can find it on YouTube though. :hug:
Hi, E, it's little B. Is it okay if I say Hi? I'm still scared but Bach thinks I should say Hi. She says it might make me feel better and that no one will hurt me for speaking. I don't know whether to trust Bach. I think she means well but she might just be wrong about lots of stuff. Anyway, Poor Richard says Hi. That's my lion. He likes that you gave him a special colour. We've got some bubble fluid. Do you like to blow bubbles? I like to, a lot. They're pretty and they float and you can make them lots of different sizes and then catch them on the wand and make them double-bubbles hahahaha. Also, sometimes they have rainbows in them. But I gotta go now! :wave: :cheer: :umbrella:
Tee, I think Notalone has seen that one. She will find it for me when I can enjoy it and not have to worry about her showing up to go to work or do other grown-up stuff. Thanks for mentioning it.
Hello Little B. So glad you said hi today! Some of the littles inside are afraid to tell our bear's name. Anyway our bear says hi to Poor Richard. Why is his name Poor Richard? I like to blow bubbles. Will you teach me how to make double-bubbles? I'm really glad that you are talking to me and that you are my friend. :hug:
I hope you like it :yes:
QuoteHello Little B. So glad you said hi today! Some of the littles inside are afraid to tell our bear's name. Anyway our bear says hi to Poor Richard. Why is his name Poor Richard? I like to blow bubbles. Will you teach me how to make double-bubbles? I'm really glad that you are talking to me and that you are my friend. :hug:
Hi, E! His whole name is Poor Richard the Lionhearted. I think my mom named him. I can't completely remember but I think she was being nice to me one time and she called him that and it was silly and funny so then it was his name. That was back in the other life before Bach was taking care of me but I don't really understand all that stuff. Anyway, Poor Richard's best job is to sit on me when I'm sleeping so it's not as scary to be alone. He's mine and I love him. He wants to give your bear another hug if that's okay. Sorry, I can't blow bubbles today but I will teach you how to do a double bubble next time, hahaha they're fun! Bye for now!
Little B,
Your lion is named after a king! That is neat. I'm glad he sleeps with you to keep you company and help you feel safe. :cloud9: I usually sleep with my bear, but sometimes Notalone has big grown-up stuff in the morning, so bear goes on the floor to try to get Notalone to be the one sleeping and waking up. It doesn't always work.
Bubbles anytime you are able. :grouphug:
I just watched "The Secret Garden." Thanks, Tee for recommending it. It is such a good story. I enjoyed it, but some of those people really need therapy. :excited:
I thought about all of us being in a secret garden. We could all be there and play and dig in the dirt and pull weeds. Little B could be there, blowing bubbles, with Poor Richard. Little M, I know you have your own garden, but maybe you could come to this one too and teach us about how to take care of the flowers. Tee, Little Elpha, Three Roses, Blueberry, Snowdrop, Human, and anyone else who would like, come to the garden!
In the story, the garden and friendships brought healing to Mary and Colin. Maybe this garden and our friendships will help to bring healing to our hearts. :grouphug:
:hug: that's a nice thought I'm glad you liked it! E :grouphug:
:hug:
Quote from: notalone on August 08, 2019, 08:51:35 PM
Little B,
Your lion is named after a king! That is neat. I'm glad he sleeps with you to keep you company and help you feel safe. :cloud9: I usually sleep with my bear, but sometimes Notalone has big grown-up stuff in the morning, so bear goes on the floor to try to get Notalone to be the one sleeping and waking up. It doesn't always work.
Bubbles anytime you are able. :grouphug:
Hi, E! Big grown-up stuff is weird. I don't like it. There's some big grown-up stuff going on with Bach right now and I don't really understand it and it's scary and I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I hope you're okay today! I'm sorry I can't do bubbles yet but I'm happy that you want me to when I can. I will bring all four colors of the bubble fluid. That's the right name for the bubble stuff if you want to ask for it at the store. You can't really see any colors on the bubbles after you blow them but it's still fun to have all of them. I'll show you how to make a double bubble then too. Thank you for being my friend.
Little B, can you go somewhere safe when Bach does grown-up stuff? -E
Quote from: notalone on August 09, 2019, 10:05:05 PM
Little B, can you go somewhere safe when Bach does grown-up stuff? -E
Hi again. Yes. I am safe. I just got overwhelmed. I am sorry. I will be okay. I am going to cuddle with Poor Richard now.