Hope66's Journal

[Blueberry]

Hey Hope,
That sounds really positive, upbeat and forward-looking despite what Inner Cr. got up to. You got waylaid by I.Cr. a bit but then you pulled through. 

Your post sounds really strong at the end, so that means to me that your writing is getting stronger.

Yes, that title "The Body Keeps the Score" is very apt! I'm so sorry you felt choked today and probably did literally or figuratively as a child.   

[DecimalRocket]

Glad you're feeling that way, Hope.

Inquisitiveness is good. The special thing about curiosity is that you're not asking "What good will happen next?" or asking, "What bad will happen next?" Curiosity simply wants to understand without it needing it to be bad or good. It's a type of fullhearted acceptance of things and it's great you're embracing it here.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry & Decimal Rocket,
Thank you both for your replies - I really appreciate them.   

Journal Entry for 21st November 2017 - I received an unexpected communication today - via E-mail - from my FOO - and I came here to the forum to 'vent' about it - which was a good thing to have done - and I had a really helpful reply from Goth_Mike who suggested putting it in the Junk file - which I've done - and wow, that felt good!!!   

Wouldn't it be great if we could take all the bits of our lives that we didn't like and put them in the 'junk file' - turn our backs on them and just move forward afresh - I guess that's what can happen - in walking away from an abusive situation - I just need to sort my head out - so that I can focus on interacting positively with life and seeing what it has to offer for the next few decades of my life.  I figure I'm 'half-way' through my life - I'm aspiring to live as long as I can - and I would like to ensure that my life is one where I can enjoy the entire range of emotions - rather than feel repressed and shut-down, which I think was the case for a time in my childhood and much of my adult life to date.

I think my emotions are more up and down at the moment - which is a bit scary in some ways - but exciting at another level - I feel as if different parts of my personality are beginning to feel more confident to 'pop out' and I wonder what that represents for me.  I don't quite know how to describe that - is it like they are just elements of my personality, or my inner children, or what?  I don't know...  But it's feeling more 'free' - to think about and express different parts of myself that felt bound up before. 

Hope 

[Hope66]

Journal Entry for 23rd November 2017

I feel a bit stressed out internally - I've been rushing around today - trying to do many things and not really managing to complete anything, and it feels frustrating.

I felt more anger at my M for sending that E-mail - and also annoyance at myself for opening the E-mail - but it's human curiosity that made me do it - and I should have known better.  But anyway, it's in the 'junk box' now, and I did feel better for having done that.

Interesting that when I look around the forum, somehow I'm feeling a bit panicky - as if I feel like I want to write something in different parts of it, but feeling like I don't know where to start...  So 'over-whelmed' matches my feelings right now.

I'm going to try to calm myself - maybe with a relaxing cup of tea or something like that. 

Hope 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sorry to hear about that stress, Hope. ^^" Take it easy. You deserve the rest and calm.

[Hope66]

Thanks so much AphoticAtramentous, I appreciate your reply and lovely comment.   

Journal entry for 24th November 2017

I had processed my emotions over the past few days - and I realised that I had felt a bit 'high' in my emotion - not sure if that's the right way to describe it - but I felt some positive emotion, but also some sense of stress, of being over-whelmed and also anxious - so it was a mixture.  I know that when I felt the positive emotions - the 'high' feeling - that my inner critic (IC) appeared to dislike that intensely and I felt some sense of shame for feeling that way - but there was also part of me that was 'excited' about feeling those things - and wanted to feel them more often. 

I've also noticed that I'm feeling more intensely connected to 'upset' type emotions - probably intense 'grief' like emotions - because it worries me that I might start crying and not be able to stop.  Thankfully it doesn't last very long - and is triggered by TV programmes that centre around issues relating to the festive period - Christmas etc.  There are more of those at the moment of course.

I felt some sadness that one of my relatives - my paternal Aunt has died - and yet I never knew her - never met her (to my knowledge) and I wonder what her life was like and what kind of person she was.  Sad that she was used in an E-mail - in terms of her birth year and death year - and nothing else said about her.

Part of me feels bad for the fact that I've not managed to reach out to my sister - and to try to 'work things out' with her - but I know that things can't be 'worked out' - it feels impossible to do that.  My FOO all feels dysfunctional, broken, estranged at every single generational level - across more than several generations - it can't be repaired.  It's not my place to repair it - I tried to hold bits together as a small child - how I could I do that - how could I possibly have any control on any of it.  I couldn't.  I can't now - I am still working out my own identity, my own preferences, my own likes and dislikes.

I do feel stronger in myself.  I don't quite know where the strength is coming from, but I feel it.  I am glad of it.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

More strength to you! In my FOO, there is only me and my sibling left, and he is very, very sick (mentally or emotionally disturbed). I'm just not able to have a relationship with him, also he was one of my abusers. My whole FOO was. It feels very weird to know my FOO is gone or unavailable to me. My heart goes out to you, Hope. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i think that a lot of the holiday stuff wears on us when it comes to estranged family.  so much emphasis on family, like we're somehow failures if ours doesn't look like the ones in the movies.   someone once told me that those families only look like that cuz they're scripted, rehearsed, and directed to.  that made a lot of sense to me, and helped relieve some of the pressure i was feeling.

if/when you get ready to post elsewhere on the forum, i believe that some topic will call to you and you'll know it's the one.  until then, maybe you can let it go - instead of searching for which one is the 'right' one, let it come to you.  i think it will make itself known in due time.

i agree with you about not being able to fix others or our relationships with others who don't want to put in the work themselves.  if all they are capable of seeing is their own point of view, well, there's really nothing to fix anymore.

so very glad to hear you're feeling some extra strength lately.  it is a good feeling, isn't it?  i get it at times - it doesn't always last for me, but i always know it was there for a bit, and can believe that i'll feel it again.  that's a good feeling.

keep taking care of you, hope.  i think you're doing great.  love and hugs to you.

[Hope66]

Thank you so much, ThreeRoses and SanMagic - your replies mean a lot - and  to you both. 

Journal entry for 25th November 2017

As it's the weekend, I somehow feel better - I've given myself permission to just 'be' rather than wondering what to do or how to spend my time - and I've tried to say 'with' any emotions or feelings - rather than trying to distract myself from them - I've felt many feelings as a result - but they don't last all that long - they are transient and so I've experienced them for what they are - and not dwelt on them too long.

I am opening up more to friends in letters too - as I prepare for Christmas and gradually write 'catch-up' letters to them.  Some of them have no idea that there are any issues at all in my FOO - so it's a bit of an eye-opener to be sharing things with some of them.  I am normally incredibly private about that side of my life.

Such a pity that I couldn't be open about all aspects of my life - and not feel I am always treading the lines of respecting different people's secrets or privacy - now is a time when I can choose my own privacy boundaries, and I will try to share things with the ones I trust - and see how things go.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

little by little, step by step, hope.  it all counts.  sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do.  big hug.

[Hope66]

Thanks SanMagic - step by step is definitely a good way to approach things.  Thanks so much for the hug - and  back to you.   
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, Hope. Lots of us have trouble with opening up with people and it's a great courage to be able to open up. I'm glad you're able to catch up with your friends like that.

[Hope66]

Hi DecimalRocket, Thanks for the hug and your reply - I appreciate it - I'm gradually opening up each year to different friends - but understandably proceeding with caution - I think it's a lot for people to take in - but I've been surprised by how well my good friends have reacted - they have proved to be good friends.  I am lucky.

Journal entry for 27th November 2017
I've just triggered myself a bit by listing a few words that I remember being said to me as a child by my FOO - and particularly a comment by my F (trigger warning here) *** and I think I'm going to write about it in another part of the forum - but I don't know when - as I have things I need to do - so feeling a bit rushed for time - but I know I've evoked some feelings of anger towards my F - because he violated my trust as a child, and it's not right.

I feel glad to have this place to come to and 'get things out' - it really helps. 

Hope 

[Hope66]

Journal entry for 29th November 2017

It took me a while to stabilise, but I'm relatively ok today - so that is a relief.  I felt much better for talking about things in the other part of the forum - and I pushed back those feelings that came to me which were feelings of being 'ashamed' - because I know it's 'not my fault' that things happened to me - and I shouldn't therefore feel 'shame' about it - but somehow that's the feeling that comes into my head about it.  Hard to shake it off.

I am glad that I felt some anger - because that is normal.  Infact I imagined what someone else would say if they discovered a similar situation - and how they might react - and I think they would be disgusted and angry.

Anyway, I feel calmer again, and the day has been ok.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hey Hope,
That all sounds like good progress to me! 

No, it wasn't your fault. Knowing that is a step towards not feeling the shame that rightfully belongs with the abuser.