Messages

I'm glad you posted, Picasso. Your stuff is important and you deserve to be heard and cared about. Here's a hug if that is safe for you 

Thank you for hearing my story and taking the time to respond.  I accept your hug and return it  . I appreciate you reminding me that my stuff is important.  It's something I am continually working on.  It helps to be reminded to be kind to myself. 

I'm so glad you're here and thank you for sharing! You are not alone! I'm so sorry you've felt this way your whole life, I struggle with the same feelings too. You have something worth saying and you deserve to take up space in this world!  💕

Thank you Grace.  It does help knowing others share those feelings of loneliness and abandonment.  It helps me feel more connected. I like having a safe space to share all sides of me. Not just the people pleaser who feels I just need to make other people happy.  Thanks for your kind words.

Hi Pioneer,  I just wanted to say that how you handled it was beautiful.  I was really touched by how you shared emotion with her in saying you miss them too but are scared of them.  It seemed like that was a real bonding experience for both you.  It sounds like you handled that well and really as best you could. 

I don't have any tips or insights to share about speaking to your daughter about CPTSD.  I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter as well and I'm already thinking about how I will talk to her about it, how much to reveal, etc.  I was definitely overshared with as a kid and I don't want to do that with her.

Oh wow do I ever relate.  I often feel that I am living more in a fantasy land than the real world.  I typically react in a people pleasing way and then later on will fantasize about how I wished I had reacted.  Sometimes I can replay this fantasy for years. My inner critic as always told me I was weird for doing this.   

I am having an extremely bad day. Trigger warning because I'm not going to sugar coat anything I need to get it out and I don't have anybody I can talk to today.

I'm struggling to accept the cptsd stuff. I want to fight it. I want to get over it, suck it up, or just move the **** on. Every time I feel an ounce of relief I just grab onto it and completely ignore any symptoms that pop up until I can't anymore. I'm working on that but it is so hard as you know. Acceptance feels like giving up. Because I do not want this to be my life.

I know everybody always talks about how time heals and things get better and people can heal... but this is a whole different kind of demon. Because of the nature of my original trauma, my triggers are EVERYWHERE. Children are triggers. Pregnant people. Locations. Words. Smells. Men. All men. Songs. I'm triggered dozens of times a day. I would have to leave the country to get away from them. I can't even narrow them down really. I don't actively run and avoid them but because they're so incessant I just get to this point where I can't take it anymore and have a breakdown.

Like today, I had to pick something up from my FOO. I got within 10 miles of them and my anxiety just shot through the roof. I turned into a familiar street and couldn't stop crying. I'll be spending the rest of today wrapped in a heavy blanket just trying to breathe. No amount of progressive muscle relaxation, positive thinking, or breathing takes the edge off that.

I find myself feeling horrible and guilty. Because when I left I wished with all my heart I had a different family I could go to. That I could just walk into their house and talk and cry and they'd be there for me. But it takes years to develop that kind of trust with people. I talk to my friends about this stuff but it doesn't really help much. I feel like I should be going out trying to find a family to adopt me and I feel horribly guilty that I just cannot bring myself to do that. It's taking everything I've got not to cut off the friends I have just because I don't want anybody to get close. I keep them close as I can (reasonably anyway) but my very best friend I can't even see in person because she's so triggering (yes I have talked to her about that).

I'm just at a loss. What does a 'good' life with ptsd look like? Clearly not self destructing is goal #1. But beyond that. Is it ok that I don't believe I should be married or have children because my symptoms are so pervasive and severe? Is it ok that I manage as well as I can with supplements before meds? I tried virtual therapy and it didn't help. Too detached. Someday I want to do it in person but with covid no ones doing that now. Does it mean I'm just making myself worse because I can't do casual hangouts with people unless it's for an ulterior reason (travel, trying new boutiques, movies, etc.) ?

I feel like a child and sometimes it makes me angry because I am an adult. I have a great lifestyle, I'm very high functioning, but everyone I know is getting married, or having kids and I just feel like I should not be on the planet like I don't have a right to exist.

Anyway. Thanks for listening just one of those days.

Hi Windflower, thank you for not sugar coating it.   I'm glad you were able to get things out.  I can definitely relate with you in wanting to fight the CPTSD. I'm still in that place myself.  It's easier to accept it on days were it feels like it's a "good" day or you're improving.  Definitely really hard to accept on a day like you're having.  Isn't it frustrating when people tell you it'll get better when you're in a flashback or being triggered? I know people mean well but sometimes the best thing they can do is just listen and empathize.  I'm sorry that you're family is not meeting your needs.  I have had the adoption fantasy before as well with other people that I view as capable of meeting my needs. That pain is then further compounded by the guilt you feel.  We're here for you.  Thanks for sharing. 

I've been reading the site for some time and been too scared to post.  I've felt lonely pretty my entire life.  I grew up with a bipolar mother and absent father.  My step dad was around but he mostly cared for my mom.  I've always lived not to bother my mom.  Anything I was dealing with emotionally was always too much of a burden for her.

I'm 34 now, recently separated, and parenting a 2 1/2 year old to the best of my abilities.  I've never felt like I mattered. Not from a suicidal stand point but more like things would be easier if I wasn't around.  I've always felt the urge to have someone by my side at my worst who simply tells me they love me, validate my pain, and allow me to feel.  More or less what a child needs when in crisis.

I'm scared of emotions.  They're brought me a lot of pain. Being vulnerable has not been kind. I was scared to post on this forum even though it's for other trauma survivors.  I have been wanting to post but my inner critic keeps telling me my stuff is not important. Today was a particularly tough day.  It started with difficulty getting my daughter ready for daycare this morning and I haven't done much since then. I have just been feeling lonely/abandoned most of the day.  Usually I just run away from it through any way I can.  It feels like I'm living a life sentence of loneliness/abandonment.