Out of the Storm

So yesterday was my sisters birthday.  I debated whether to send her a text Happy Birthday.  In the end, I didn't.  Feel kind of empty about that.  Yesterday told my therapist some more things from my past.  Like driving home with my college roommate and discovering my mom; in  a manic/psychotic state had run the car right into the garage door and it was all smashed in.  I don't know what happened to that relationship with that roommate; I know it ended badly.  We argued over some things.  Anyway we also talked about what hubby said about if I didn't get a job by next January we would have to sell the house.  I felt pressured when he said that. Yes I am going to be finished with my coding class and certification; but it may take some time to get a job.  Most physicians offices and hospitals want two years experience.  She said I need to get more involved with the finances and figure out for myself what is going on.  Feel incredible guilt that we have my student loans to pay and I am not practicing law anymore.  Hubby and I did talk awhile about it and he said he didn't blame me; that he should have been paying attention to the loans and not just paying the bare minimum.  That we will be o.k. if we take money out of the 401k to pay off the loans.  I don't want to do that either.  I don't want to be poor in our retirement.  A lot hinges on me getting some meaningful employment.

Its been two years since I closed my law practice and got depressed.  Only in the last two months or so have I linked that depression to CPTSD and the horrible traumatic childhood and adolescence that I had.  I am still having trouble getting interested into exercise and hobbies I used to like to do.  I am crying a lot; which the therapist thinks is great.  I need to grieve.  I have been drinking too much too.  No one knows that; not therapist or hubby.

It's good that you have a therapist, a good one, and a supportive spouse. And crying can be such a great feeling, can be so cleansing. Grieving and getting angry about past hurts is also healing. But I'm sorry to hear that you're drinking too much. You must feel in a great deal of pain, still, to want to medicate that way. I know when I was in the worst part of my depression, that drinking only aggravated my dark moods due to alcohol being a depressant. Didn't help me see things more clearly, either. Since my husband quit drinking and buying alcohol a few years ago, I have also stopped drinking and I feel the difference. Although I would have a beer now & then, if anyone were around to have one with! ;)

I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share it here. That seems healthy to me, that you're admitting it to yourself and in writing for others to see. May the future hold more growth & prosperity for you than you would ever think possible. <3

Thanks 3roses.  I wish I didn't feel the need to self-medicate.  I know I need to adapt healthier coping mechanisms.  The pain is quite acute right now; I only discovered a few weeks ago that my Dad verbally abused me as a child (my mom told me).  So I am looking at my whole life through a different lens.

Today on the ride into the hospital to volunteer, I reviewed all of these instances of trauma caused by family members and think oh, I have to tell my therapist that story.  It's like I can't wait to talk to her to share more of all the crap I have had to go through.  Just get it out of my system.

My Wedding.  We decide we want to keep it small (for financial and other reasons); all my family lives across the country.  I decide just to invite Dad, Mom and sisters.  I didn't think it even fair to expect other relatives to travel that far.  After wedding is over and I go to see grandmother (which costs a lot of money).  Grandmother asks why I didn't invite her; that she was like a mother to me.  I really believe that if communication was at a healthy level in this family; that it would have been told to me; especially by father, that my grandmother would have really liked an opportunity to come and wouldn't have looked at it like a burden.  And I would have gladly invited her.   I was a little upset that she was making me feel guilty-She also could have called me and expressed an interest in coming.  THIS FAMILY DOES NOT COMMUNICATE AT ALL.   I really felt that I didn't deserve for her to come.  After all, she went to my cousins college graduation with my aunt and uncle at the very same university I went to-but neither she nor dad came to mine.

When I was about to give birth to my son; Sister R and Mom visit Sister K in XXX.  But no one would even entertain the thought of visiting me after the birth of my child.  You hear so many stories about family traveling long distances to see their loved ones with their new babies.   It really hurts not to have family care about the big moments in your life. 

So at our expense I decide to go to XXX where  both sisters will be present along with mom to show off my young baby (I think he was about 4-5 months).  Before the trip Sister R says she can't have us stay with her; she is in the middle of moving in; the house is upside down etc.  But when we get there; Sister K and her family are staying there.  I was the one with the young baby; all their children were older; but once again my feelings or needs are not paid any attention.  We left earlier than we intended to because I was so upset.

Hubby and I have spent so much money; it costs a lot to get to the little out of the way towns that my Dad and Grandmother live in.  I always felt like it was my obligation.  And then at Dads we would stay in a hotel because of my cat allergies-adding to the expense-while sisters stayed for free.  Always the one who bears the greater burden.  Sister R has never come to visit me in 22 years since my wedding.  Dad has come twice in 22 years.  Sister K also twice in 22 years.  I am sure the visits amongst Sister R Golden Child and Dad are at least 3 times a year despite them living across the country from each other.  Not sure about Sister K but I know Dad has visited her quite a few times and she and Sister R have frequent trips between them. 

And then there are the ski trips.  The source of a lot of pain.  Not even sure when that got started; College age I think.  Dad very blatantly and cruelly left me out.  Sisters and their families went and had all those annual bonding experiences; I got sent pictures at Christmas of all of them together on these trips.  HOW IN THE * does my  FATHER not know that it might be painful for the excluded child to receive pictures of  family members having fun without me.  AND last year at Grandmothers funeral; a cousin asks, Terri do you ski (go on these trips) and SISTER R does not even let me answer the question; she jumps in with some nonsensical crap that I can't even remember; when the real shameful secret is I have deliberately been excluded because my Dad doesn't like me.  Because he is a Narcissist and has used me as a scapegoat and dumping ground for all he hates in himself and that is the real truth.

Grandmothers funeral was another example of me having to share an expensive burden to get there.  Dad doesn't even have the decency to share details; like hey would you like to speak at the service.  He knew how close I was to her but he acted surprised that I even came.  When the short story I wrote about my Grandmother was read and I wasn't given credit for having written it-that was hurtful.  and then SISTER R gets up and has her prepared speech-it just pissed me off.  The only person who showed deep compassion and understanding that my grandmother meant a lot to me and we had a special relationship was strangely enough DADS girlfriend.  We are going through her things and she shows me a quilt and says why don't you take this Terri -and Dad marches in and says NO-SISTER R GOLDEN CHILD wants that.  I felt like I was three years old again when he said that.  Sister R gets to look it over and decide whether she wants it or not-SHE GETS THAT CHOICE-WHAT THE *-my Grandmother would have wanted a totally different decision making process there.

So I have a vivid bad dream last night about grandma.  I am at her house visiting and she mentions something about dad.  I say you know dad doesn't even like me; he hasn't since I was young.  And she gets really mad.  She takes off in her car to get some air.  She comes back and she is still mad.  I try and hug her and tell how much she means to me.  She shrugs me off.  She says she is going to take me to court and sue me for being abusive to my grandfather to get me out of town.  I can't believe it, I am devastated.  I beg her to reconsider and try to explain why I think he doesn't like me.  Then suddenly I am in a room with GOLDEN CHILD Sister R.  I say to her; what about all those extra presents he sent you and the extra money.  She just looks at me, not caring.  I wake up.

So whats the message.  If I tell anyone the truth of whats going on in this dysfunctional family no one will want to believe me  (My grandma-his mother) or care about believing me (Sister R).

So last night I dreamed that I was with a couple of friends and we ended up at my old law firm.  Mr. Washington, one of the main partners is there.  One of my friends casually mentions that I deserve a bonus.  Mr. Washington says, when she works hard to make up for the last four months we would consider it.  He doesn't realize, nor do my friends that I don't work there anymore.  (It was an argument over a promised bonus that I didn't receive that turned ugly that led to my being laid off from this law firm.) 

I have this dream all the time that I am still working there; and it an odd capacity; I have no connection to the other workers; I am in a satellite office by myself but still I am happy I have a job and then I wake up and realize I don't have a job.  Its jarring.  And its been 5 years since I worked there. 

Also dreamed last night that I was telling some relatives, My Aunt P and Uncle J that I am switching my major from law to engineering.  What the heck.  My math skills are so bad I can hardly add fractions and I am going to be an engineer.  I think this has to do with telling people the truth at my volunteer hospital job.  (I am there to get medical care experience)  I can't tell them I was an attorney and am studying to be a medical coder.  I think they will think its crazy; with all that education.  I feel shame-not good enough-crazy even for wanting to switch to such a low paying job.  The truth is I have searched for two years for a different less stressful job in law that doesn't involve court.  I have searched for other possibilities of study and have run into this math problem time and time again.  I had no college math.  My math skills are probably those of a 6th grader.  I have lost any skills from High School.  That rules out a different better paying job in health care like radiology or health information management.  Just to get into a technical school you have to pass a test that has math questions on it.  I have succeeded in graduating in the top third of my class in law school and passing the bar on my first try but I can't even get into a technical school?  I have tried remedial math classes on line and end up so frustrated that I am not getting the concepts. 

My therapist still says things like "Is your attorney license still active?  Good.  You have a great degree; I feel your future is rosy,  You will end up doing well when you heal. 

So what about this coding field that I defaulted to when there was no other viable alternative.  I was exploring careers in the health care field because of the number of jobs available.  Coding was a job that required no math skills to actually get into the program.  When my therapist and I were brainstorming about what I could do with my life and I reviewed all my failed attempts to find a different job in law; she says well then why don't you go back to school.  I explain all my attempts to do so.  Hubby is researching fields for me and comes across this medical coding field.  I research like crazy and it seems like a good option; lots of jobs etc.  Its only $5000 for school.  You have to pass a certification and then you are qualified.  It fit my criteria; a job in a field that has high demand; little infusion of cash to get into it and little time needed (less than a year) to get the certification.  Why is it not good enough; why is it that I have a hard time explaining it to others?  Why do I feel ashamed I can't use my law degree anymore?  My supervisor at my volunteer job asks me in the elevator what I was doing prior; I said bankruptcy law; she pushes further...a paralegal she says- I say yes; she says is that what your degree is in; I say yes.  She says she has a similar degree.  Now I feel stuck.  A nurse asks me yesterday some questions about my background.  I vaguely say law.  Luckily someone interrupts her before she can push further; how can I say attorney now that I have already told someone else paralegal?  What kind of quandary have I put myself into.  I don't lie.  I am very ethical.

My husband says; I should say something to the supervisor like this.  I wasn't really forthcoming with you before; I was a paralegal many years ago but I went to law school and became a lawyer.  I didn't like it and no I am exploring the health care field.  Why would this be so hard for me to say?  The shame of failing at law; the guilt about practically lying about my past; the vulnerability I would feel in disclosing I am embarrassed about my misfortunes in life and where they have led me.  That I couldn't make a career in law work because I was never self confident enough; assertive enough-that my performance anxiety for court was so strong I could no longer make it work.  What have my family done in the past-well they have shamed me.  They have never acknowledged my achievements; they were brutal to me when I finished college and couldn't immediately find a job.  So that's what I am doing to myself.  I am adopting their critical ways of dealing with me.  I am allowing their control over how I feel about entering a new and better situation in life.  Law was never right for me.  Oh I am just sick of worrying over this crap.

Dreamed I found a newborn baby; filthy and abandoned and I cleaned her up; put on fresh clothes and blanket and then was debating about what to do about her.  Take her back to the store where I found her?  Keep her?  In the same dream I had a lot of money stolen out of my purse and I was so angry at myself for leaving my purse unattended.  Not sure what any of this means.  My abandoned inner child perhaps-not knowing what to do with her.  Getting angry at myself instead of at my perpetrators.  My therapist said I should hold my inner child.  Maybe make new memories with her.  Take her to the park and swing?  I think I am going to buy some coloring books and crayons today.

I dreamed all night long about this guy who didn't want to leave his daughter an inheritance.  So totally about my dad.  Being excluded from his inheritance although a long way away will make me feel double traumatized.  Not only have I had to spend all this money on therapy because of him.  I don't get what my sisters will get-and I am the one he abused.  How in the world is that fair?

Intense crying spell Sunday.  Left me feeling drained all day.  Today didn't go to Piedmont to volunteer.  Once I did get going and take a shower and get things done I felt better.  Haven't cried today but feel on the verge of tears.

For the last 4 nights or so; not sleeping well.  Only about 6 hours of poor quality sleep with lots of dreaming.  Last night I dreamed one of my friends got a job with a colleague and the colleague was expressing gratitude that this friend would go to court on her behalf.  In the dream I was feeling so down about my situation with not going to court and not having that confidence.  There were lots of other parts to the dream that I unfortunately don't remember but had to do with my sisters.  Yesterday I was so exhausted from the not sleeping well and rerunning my whole life through my mind that I didn't get off the couch until like 2 pm.  I was laying down on the couch but couldn't sleep.  It's like I have this adrenalin still running through my system.  Am I having a flight or fight response to my dreams-are they that threatening to me.  I am taking two medications to sleep and  I can't even get the eight hours I need.  That is frustrating.  It makes me feel irritable and unmotivated.   

Not sleeping at all well since H has to wake up frequently to take his pain meds.  Dreaming a lot.  J giving me a really evil look.  Last night I dreamed that an employer of mine had a hazing ritual that you had to pick a spot on your body where you wanted to get shot-yes like shot with a gun.  Then you had to heal while still doing your job.  I chose my toe; then debated whether I made the right choice.  Then had some agony about whether I really had to go through with that.  Weird.  H and I got into an argument about how he handled a recent conversation with stepdaughter - he was calling to see if he could try and brainstorm with her about why she and I don't get along.  She told him that when she was younger, I would go in a different room when they came over and that she and I just never really connected.  H said nothing to her.  I was furious he didn't stand up to her and say wait a minute.  The reason she went into another room was because she was hurt that your mother didn't like her and was saying negative things about her to you-poisoning your mind so that you were not treating her well.

We talked for a long time about how he compartmentalizes his relationships with his daughters and his relationship with me and S. Like we are two separate entities.  I asked him how could he not have enough empathy for his wife in the moment J said - well she just left the room all the time and tell her exactly what the facts of the situation were.  Just letting her thinking "its her fault really".  H said he wasn't trying to pin blame at all he just wanted everything to go ok going forward.  I am like how can you go forward when the past is standing in the way.  He suggested therapy.  I told him S would rip into him about his emotions or lack thereof.  I also asked him why when I am crying and grieving he leaves the room instead of just simply saying I am sorry you are hurting.  So when I did end up crying yesterday he said, "is there anything I can do"  which is not what I want to hear.  I just want some empathy not a fix.  He said he just couldn't really feel what it must have been like for me to be abused  not having experienced it before.  I said you can't feel empathy for a small child that is hurting for being emotionally berated?  He also suggested we have a meeting with C and J and hash it out.  I told him are you sure you are ready for that because you are going to have to take some major responsibility for having two affairs on his wife, one with another woman and one with me and then after 6 months (of a long distance relationship)introducing me to his daughters in an unplanned fashion.  Even telling the 15 year old about our relationship before she even met with me or before she had processed the divorce.  So many, many mistakes.  And here we are 22 years later with stilted, nonclose relationships.

Had a dream that a man gave me a very expensive engagement ring; I was happy to get rid of my existing non-expensive ring and looked forward to the future.  Am I wishing I had married a more successful man?  That because we have financial problems I am in escape mode; wishing it weren't so?

I also had a dream about a friend that needed burn treatment; skin grafts and the insurance wouldn't cover getting skin grafts from skin from her own body and she was devastated that they were railroading her.  She was an immigrant.  Maybe I am thinking about Donald Trumps policies toward immigrants and feeling empathy for her.

You * *.  I hate you.  I never want to see your * face again.  What you did to me is evil.  You have a demon inside you and I will not let you poison me with it any longer.  You will have to face the consequences of your * hatred toward me.  You are * evil!  I will never forgive you for what you did to me!  You are the scum of the earth!  I hope you rot in *!  You truly are the devil incarnate.  How could you have been so cruel to a small innocent little child?  That is cowardice and evil..................................

bravo, jd.  that's how to start getting the anger out!  well done!  how did it feel?  how do you feel?  it felt good to me - like a mirror me doing it.  you can be proud of yourself - you've taken some fine first steps!

my ex was like that with me and my daughter - never took my side, left me hanging with all the blame and responsibility.  my present hub also doesn't have that capability, i don't think, to feel that empathy for me when i'm in distress.  all i want (and i've told him this) is to be gathered in, held, like you would soothe a child.  he'd never done that with his own kids, i don't think he knows how.

it's a frustrating missing piece of our life together.  flashes me back to similar situations with my own parents.  no reaching out, no drawing in, no 'it's ok, you're ok, everything will be ok' loving words.  i hear ya, jd.  it sucks.

moving forward.  big hug!

Thanks SanMagic, I just saw this.

I have been reading the book Trapped in the Mirror.  I had some thoughts.  I think but can't actually remember that my dad criticized my passiveness and quiet nature.  I am quite sure I became passive and quiet because of his cruelty.  I am also sure my mothers passiveness about my dads behavior toward her (cheating, demanding, critical) taught me how to do the same.  When I did try to break out of the passive nature by being rebellious it backfired because I got a ton of negative feedback from him and my mom and my sister and outsiders as well (like teachers and peers).

Other times I tried to assert myself were few but there was a time I needed money to attend a program my college was offering at Cambridge University in England.  I talked about how prestigious the college was and implied that, hey Dad I am super smart and look at me getting this opportunity that looks so good on my student resume (implied also to the outside world).  He was very quick to slap me down and let me know that it was wrong to be so arrogant and pretentious (which is precisely what he is).

So that was a lesson in never being too forward or assertive  or arrogant (thus twarting my  growing sense of self) about my accomplishments.  This was reinforced when it wasn't important enough to come to my graduation.

Another time where I was "slapped down" was when I got out of college and was in the process of finding a job.  My sister was angry that I couldn't find a job sooner than I did - because I wasn't contributing "rent" towards the household expenses (my mother was on disability for her mental illness) she basically told me I needed to be less arrogant about my academic credentials because I didn't have real world experience.  I interpreted it to mean I can't be proud of my achievements.  She told me I was being arrogant (again a message that being arrogant was horrible)

So throughout the years I was determined to never be arrogant about my accomplishments.  This of course meant that I downplayed my achievements and never wanted to assert my opinions.  I didn't want to be like my father.  I also vowed never to make my clients feel that I was somehow superior to them because I was an attorney and had the upper hand and I knew what was best and they were to treat me as the superior in the relationship and they were not equal to me as anyone else.  I treated them kindly, empathetically and if they did glance at my credentials on my wall to see where I went to law school; I shared in a way as to make them feel on equal footing; they would say such and such relative went there and I would be like oh that is so cool.

I also didn't want to be insensitive and critical like my father was to me-I wanted to be the opposite.  So I went out of my way to be empathetic and kind to everyone who was going through a difficult time.  I even did it when the person or client needed more of a push in the direction of hey you need to get it together, you are not doing yourself any good the direction you are going in, you need to take responsibility for your actions, etc.  I had blind spots around that kind of helpful confrontation.

So I was criticized for being quiet and passive unlike my bubbly talkative sister.  But when I did try and be assertive and stand up for myself and be proud of my accomplishments I was "slapped down."

My healthy narcissism - which I needed desperately was being squashed.  I let two paralegals run all over me when I was a new attorney.  One of them would always have her boyfriend stopping by the small satellite office we were working in - just the two of us.  And I let that go and then suddenly he was in there actually sleeping in a chair.  This paralegal had clients in her office while her boyfriend was sitting there slumped over.  I finally had to say something but it was hard to speak up and assert my authority.  I was the attorney, she the paralegal; I had more say in how the office ran than she did.  I guess this is another example of letting people stomp all over my boundaries.

The other paralegal did equally bad things like leave early to pick up her child.  She also did something really bizarre; she attempted to purchase a home from a client.  This had all kinds of ethical issues.  Again she was stomping all over my boundaries by doing it behind my back she was also putting the firm in an ethical quandary.  The sale never went through but other people in the office learned of it and criticized me for not reigning her in.

There was an attorney in the office that didn't like me; didn't like that I worked part-time (30 hours instead of 40).  Thought I was getting special treatment and generally thought I was doing a lousy job although my boss thought I was doing great.  He became a partner and his words started having more weight behind them.  He was putting me down to other coworkers and I knew it but did nothing.  When I made partner, it continued.  On of my few friends at the firm told me I needed to speak up.  Only when I had tacit permission did I dare assert myself and demand that he stop.

So I grew up passive and quiet for which I was put down but when I tried to assert myself I was also put down by my family.  It put me in a massive internal conflict; hating myself for not being able to raise my hand and speak up in meetings; but also hating myself if I ever said an angry word to anyone or expressed a strong opinion.

I was uncomfortable when my boss suggested a party to celebrate me becoming a partner.  I was so uncomfortable I told him I didn't want one.  Being celebrated and rewarded and made to feel good was too foreign to me.  It made me feel scared and think negative thoughts like what if I have to speak, I won't know what to say, it will feel horrible etc etc.

All through law school people talked about what kind of job they wanted when they got out.  We had some classes (not sure if they were elective or actually required )  You had to go though the process of fully litigating a case-from selecting a jury, to calling witnesses to making closing arguments etc.  I paired with a woman that was severely overweight.  She told me she had no intention in ever being a litigator.  I told her the same.  We plowed through it and I just remember that I did something wrong; like not discussing in my closing a key piece of evidence- something like that.  I was just stunned that I didn't remember to do that; that the stress of the whole thing was causing me to shut down and disabling me from thinking on my feet.

I always had confidence problems in speaking out in class.  If it were my turn to speak I would get butterflies and anxious.  I would be in the bathroom psyching myself up for it (you're really smart; you're in the top third of the class, you know the material etc.)  And usually I over prepared to make sure I knew the material inside and out.  Some of my teachers were pleased with this my preparation for the discussion and rewarded me for it with kind comments.  But most of the time I just went unnoticed.  I absolutely never actually raised my hand in a discussion; the only time I spoke was when I had to as part of the class routine of going down the rows and everyone got their turn.

One time we were in a lecture room with a ton of people in it and my friend asked a question.  She kind of looked at me and said "why don't you ask a question"  I felt so ashamed that I wasn't contributing in this way to the discussion.  That when I was in a huge setting with tons of people I completely froze.  If we broke up in small groups in a class I had no trouble participating.

So despite me knowing these things about myself after law school; I chose a job that involved litigation (although no jury trials) and I thought that somehow I would muster up the courage to do it.  For at least a couple months a woman who was doing a job as a special assistant attorney for the state wanted someone else to take over one of her jurisdictions, would have me shadow her.  She introduced me to all the key players and had me watch her at work.  Then abruptly it was my turn to take over a new case had popped up and the next day it played out in court.  A teenager who may have suffered sexual abuse by her stepfather had been taken to a hospital and removed from her home by social workers.  Well somehow I missed a key point of evidence needed to keep her out of that home and she was returned to her abusive stepfathers care.  The state had lost.  Just like in my litigation class at school; I had once again screwed up on what may have been (can't remember) something very basic.  I began to believe that there would be hundreds of instances when I wouldn't know what to do and that I couldn't count on my mentor to continually help me out-that I would be a burden to her.  I was defeated and deflated and became depressed over this one court incident that I quit.

So that set the tone for the rest of my career. (I took one more job that required court appearances and ended up quitting that job as well)  I opted to take no position that required court.  So I landed a job where I told the employer I did not want to go to court and he agreed.  He didn't care.

It was so unhealthy.  I was set apart from my peers and on a different trajectory in my career than they were. There was only one other person in the firm that didn't go to court so I identified strongly with him.  We would have long discussions about how unfair our boss was to us and how the other partners were getting big bonuses but that we were contributing just as much and we deserved big bonuses too.  I was overly invested in his every word and when he told me about his heated discussions with the boss I was silently thinking how great it was that he was able to assert himself in this way.  The frozen part of myself that was afraid of speaking up and being heard and getting what others got was melting as we spoke.  I became a bit defiant in my unspoken attitude toward my boss.  A perfect storm was brewing.  I went to see my boss about what bonus I could expect and he told me a number.  I was pleased with the number.  I got only a seventh of what I was told.  I was bitterly disappointed.  I called my boss but he didn't call me back.  I stewed.  I angered over it.  I started comparing my situation with that of my colleague who also didn't go to court and noticed that I had been more productive than he was that year.  I found out my boss was giving this colleague free frequent flyer miles to see his girlfriends parents in Peru.  He got a cell phone.  He got a bonus large enough to put a down payment on a house.

I had let it go and didn't ever see my boss since I worked in a different office so it just festered that I was treated unfairly.  It triggered old memories of my dad favoring my sisters over me.

Then one day there was a winter storm.  I made it into the office because their was a dusting of snow on top of the ice.  There were no clients coming in because of the storm.  I decided to go home for lunch.  When I got closer to home the roads became really slick and I was slipping and sliding all over the place and got scared.  Other cars were doing the same.  I made it home somehow and called my boss to tell him I could not risk going out again to get back to work.  He immediately went into a mode of trying to convince me that If I just tried I could do it and came up with suggestions like having a paralegal with a truck come pick me up.  I didn't know it at the time but the roads were actually blocked by police cars at that point and it was impossible to go back.  I got very angry because I felt like (1) he didn't believe me and that I was just trying to get out of work and (2) how dare he put me in an unsafe situation.  It felt like my dad and mom not caring about me and my welfare - just let me - by sheer neglect - get into unsafe situations with teenage boys.  There was a time that I ran out of gas in the middle of the night in a very unsafe area of Detroit and I had no one who I could call and come get me (I ended up calling the police).  I just blew up at him - I am a very honest person and it is UNSAFE and I cannot go back and then I brought up the bonus and how he had promised x and I had got y and why did he get my hopes up like that and that I was being treated unfairly compared to the other partners especially my friend Jack, who also didn't go to court and was less productive than me etc.

He got very angry back and started saying things like "I never see you"  There is no "face time"  you need to work "full time"  if you want better bonuses etc etc.  I tried to make concessions that didn't require me to work full time; like coming to the office on Mondays for meetings etc.  Nothing helped and we reached an impasse and we hung up both very angry.

This was me exploding because of the built up anger and resentment toward my family.  My father didn't care about me, didn't care about my safety and treated me differently an unfairly from my sisters.  I actually felt good after I while that I had finally spoke up about myself.  And then my friend told me that what I had done was completely inappropriate (even though he had described encounters where he had the same types of conversations).  I had crossed a line and my boss was very very angry.  I became frightened and didn't want to see him.  I had a Christmas party come up and actually called my boss and left him a message with some weak reason why I couldn't go.  Not going to the Christmas party was a bad thing - especially for me since I was so rarely in the main office.  I kept working thinking it would all blow over.  There was a dinner that I was required to attend.  I went.  My boss greeting me so coldly - almost cruel.  We all had to stand up and say something good that was happening at the firm.  I was extremely nervous and blurted something out.  After dinner I went up to my boss and tried to apologize.  Another partner kept trying to interrupt the conversation.  My boss wasn't having any of it.  I walked out of their feeling really really bad.  I knew I had screwed up and nothing would ever be the same.  Still I kept working.  I didn't even try to find another job although I am sure unconsciously I must have known-that I needed to get out of that unhealthy environment.  One day I came in-on a Saturday to the main office- as usual.  Two partners pull me into the office and tell me I am being layed off.  I was in shock.  Even though I should have seen it coming I didn't.  They made up screwy excuses about the firm losing money and needing to be leaner.  So, I asked why not lay off some of the newer attorenys.  The gist of it was that I was payed a lot more than them.  I needed to go.  I was angry and devastated.  The only job in my field that would allow me not to have to go to court and I had screwed it up.

My husband talks me into starting my own practice.  I could control my schedule.  I could control what clients I took.  I would be good etc etc.  And i was faced with having to go to court.  When younger attorneys in the firm had to learn about court they shadowed a more experienced attorney until they were ready to do it on their own.  I would have no such mentor.  I was on own.  I called a friend who had her own firm for a template for a motion I needed to file and she said that she didn't want to "share her homework" and made it clear that she would not be there to "hold my hand" so to speak.  I would go to court and spend a lot of time watching the other attorneys and probably unconsciously thinking - theres no way I can do that- I have no idea what they are doing.  Whey would they make that argument in that situation.  How many other situations are there where I would have no idea how to handle.  I was making decisions about actions to take with my clients around my fear of going to court.  There was a special kind of hearing you had to be present for when taking certain kinds of cases-so I didn't take those kinds of cases.  I felt like I was constantly in fear of the inevitable.  Someday I was actually going to have to go to court.  Most of my cases were easy with no possibility of needing to go to court.  But than it came closer and closer to the time that I would have to go.  I got more anxious when my cases got older with more issues popping up that needed court attention.  It was three years into my practice.  I was hiking 3-4 hours a time trying to get control of my anxiety.  Then the depression was creeping in.  I quit going to meetings with a womans attorney group I was in.  That made me feel more isolated.  I was getting switched to different anti-depressants. Nothing worked.  I talked to my husband about closing my practice.  I was exhausted, depleted, depressed and didn't want to even read my email.  I desperately called someone about taking over my practice and she said no.  I was actually getting past my fear or calling people because the fear of continuing on and having to go to court was greater than my fear of having to admit defeat to someone.  And I know I could and eventually did say I just don't like it, I'm burned out, I want to do something else etc. in my head I was a failure for not being able to assert myself.  For being passive and quiet just like my Dad had criticized me before - I was berating myself.  My self esteem slipped dramatically within days of closing my practice.  I became even more depressed.  I fought to try and find a different career.  I tried radiology.  I applied.  I got letters of recommendation I toured the facility.  And then it came down to math.  I had had no college math so I didn't qualify.  I went on line and found a program that teaches you math skills.  I would diligently practice for hours at at time.  Any other program I looked into - required an admission test to get into the college that required math skills.  I looked at the practice tests on line and tried to do the math.  I couldn't.  I felt like I was completely lost in the on-line program.  I called the state bar for a number to a therapist that would be paid for under their assistant program.  I went to see him.  He immediately said why in the world are you trying to get into radiology-wheeling people into an exam room-what kind of job is that.  He questioned me spending hours trying to learn math.  I dropped the idea of going back to school.  It was too hard.  Every program I looked into that I could afford - like technical school required math.

I went back to trying to find a legal job that didn't involve court.  There weren't many of those; I applied and never heard back.  My resume sucked and I had no energy into making it better.  I blindly started applying to anything.  Customer service jobs, jobs at Home Depot and Target.  Nothing.  No one wanted to hire an attorney for such low level jobs.  I then dropped the attorney from my resume and my experience became really old-like twenty years old.  I still couldn't get a job.

I ended up going to a partial hospitalization program when I told my psychiatrist I was sleeping all day and drinking.  It required lots of group therapy.  I did not do well.  I hated speaking about personal private problems in a group.  I felt so exposed.  I didn't feel I had much to  offer other people about their problems either.  My therapist reprimanded me about not speaking up.  I tried.  I did the assignments which required me to speak-but not much else.  We had classes for alcohol abuse and just cognitive behavioral type classes where we learned to change our thinking etc.  None of it helped.  I did quit drinking for 6 weeks but just picked it back up after the program.  I found a new therapist.  She actually started talking to me about my childhood.  She brainstormed with me things I could do to get out of the house.  She suggested again the idea of going back to school.  Finally my husband comes up with the Medical Coding program that didn't require math that had on line programs for a very low cost.  I jumped at it.  I had to do something.  I was going crazy spinning my wheels.  I started the program and began volunteering a hospital.  At the hospital I was embarrassed to admit I was an attorney and switching fields. I felt like I was back in high school doing such menial tasks that the position required.  I am still struggling with it.  I see the doctors there and think I was at their level in my career and now I am starting completely over  and in a position that at least at the entry level is pretty low paying, low status.  But at least I am getting out of the house.  Have a reason to shower and dress every day.  Have somewhere to go and some goals to work on.  Then therapy starts getting brutal.  We delve into the fact that as a child I was abused by my father.  I had never thought that.  I thought the negative attention I got from my father started in my teen years when I got rebellious.  My mom told me the facts.  My dad had deliberately picked me out to be a scapegoat to project all of his negative feelings about himself onto.  She told me some cruel things he did. I started grieving.  I stated having long crying spells.  I had a couple episodes of rage.  I started reading anything I could get my hands on about narcissism and childhood abuse and therapy and healing.  And that is where I am.  Realizing that I have a vicious inner critic who berates me constantly about not being good enough, for being a failure for not being able to continue in my practice-for not having saved enough money for retirement; during this time I found out my son is gay and has a chronic illness.  I got depressed about those things.  I stopped calling my sisters back.  They dropped out of sight completely after one time of not calling them back.  I never talk to my dad anyway so that has just continued.  So I don't have any extended or nuclear family on my side anymore.  I am mourning the fact that I may never have grandchildren.  I don't have any friends.  The friends I supposedly had from work-were not really my friends.  They were work buddies.  We talked about work.  I don't work anymore so what is there to talk about.  I realized that I have a lot of difficulty making friends and trusting people.  I have poor relationships with my stepchildren- not all my doing but still another failure in relationships.  I am realizing that I had a false self that propped up my self esteem.  I was an attorney and that meant I was o.k.  I ran and hiked, I was athletic.  Now all that is gone.  I no longer have the energy to hike.  I am spending all of my time working on my inner self, struggling with conflicts with my therapist, trying to get through this medical coding problem.  Trying to decide if writing a letter to my family to tell them how cruel and hurtful and damaging they have been.  Arguing with myself-I need to stand up for myself for once-But I can't expose myself to them-that would make me too vulnerable.  So I research that issue like crazy and get the pros and cons of either action.  I decide I am not ready.  I read stories about how long therapy will take.  Pete Walker says he spent two years just on the grieving process.  Another author of a self help book who has been through it says it takes years.  I see now very clearly how very damaging my family has been to my sense of self, my self esteem, it has impacted my career, my ability to make friends.  And on top of that I have to somehow climb up a mountain of pain - therapy - to get any relief-and this at age 52.  I have to get myself together enough to interview for a job in the near future.  I have to project some self confidence that I don't yet feel.

o my dear jd,

wrapping you up in a warm earth-mother embrace for all you have endured.  you - well, how horrible for you.  there's so much of your story i can relate to, especially the whole invalidation thing of your talents, skills, savvy, and basic intelligence.  why the frick couldn't they have been proud of us just once?  we worked so hard for that recognition, and they dropped that ball straight on top of our heads, confusing us, denying us, resulting in us spinning our mental and emotional wheels until we break.  yep, i can relate all too well.

it's very plain to me that you're a fighter, and that you will make it.  maybe not perfectly, maybe even pretty messy at times - been there, done that more often than i can count!  we will get through this with the support and friendship we're finding here.  moving forward - and best to you with your continuing challenges.  i know how that feels, too.  big hug!

Thanks SanMagic for reading that very long post.  I think you nailed it.  I was never allowed to feel proud of my accomplishments.  I was instead made to feel shame about how I felt about my achievements.  It is hard to dissect and figure outnall of these impacts on our personality.  Slowly but surely.

Don't know whats going on with me but I am not sleeping well at all.  Dreams all night long, I wake up and I am dreaming about all the stuff stirred up in therapy.  About all the awful realizations I am having that my father was truly a very cruel man to me as a child.  That I really did indeed suffer trauma.  That it was abuse.  I never ever saw myself as someone who suffered child abuse.  Yes I had a dysfunctional family; I knew that.  Most people had parents who were divorced.  O.k. so my mom suffered mental illness-but that really only started much later in life.   I thought my childhood was actually quite good-I knew from photos we went on lots of vacations and I spent summers with grandparents.  I knew my adolescence was painful but I thought at least I didn't suffer in childhood; how wrong I was.

I couldn't even tell my therapists in my twenties about my childhood because I didn't remember it.  So it never got processed and integrated.  The trauma of adolescence was so great that there was enough there to work on without delving into childhood. 

It was my research effort on Narcissistic Abuse and help from my therapist that led to me asking my mom at age 52 what happened to me when I was a child.  And she was so matter of fact about it.  Like it was some kind of known fact. Yeah your father picked on you specifically out of your sisters and would get furious with you about nonsense.   You would be playing with your pail and shovel and some sand would get in the bushes and he would yell at you.  When we went to a restaurant and he was taking our coats off he would take your coat off last. (imagine that scenario playing out for years in various forms-being picked last, being treated separate from; being treated as unworthy in comparison to my sisters etc. etc.  I think I repressed these memories on purpose because they were too damn painful.

So I had a hard exam yesterday and my instructor was concerned about two questions I got wrong, stating if only I had read the discussion forum I would have got them right.  My inner critic went into overdrive.  Even though her email really said something like "this is very good you only got four questions wrong, but two of these questions that you got wrong are concepts that are important and I am going to give you a chance to get it right so just do a, b and c and I'll regrade your exam."  She was being nice and I interpreted it as if I was slapped, kicked and punched in the face and told that I was a complete and utter failure at something that should be so easy for me.

So what did I do?  She told me I got four questions wrong .  She told me about two of the questions I got wrong; told me the concepts behind the questions and asked me to research them and write out my analysis.  I did that. I read the discussion forum and she mentions that a couple people recently got perfect scores.  And the whole punch in the gut thing happened again.  I have to get these questions all right too.  So I went searching for the other two questions I got wrong.  I obsessed all day and researched and googled and overanalyzed and tore my hair out searching for the two questions I got wrong on a 60 question test.  I found two I thought I got wrong and I changed my answers to those and resubmitted the exam.  I get her updated review of my exam.  She says good you corrected the ones I told you about.  But the two other ones were right to begin with and I made them wrong.  How is that for second guessing yourself?  I feel like I don't even trust myself right now.  My natural instinctual self that should recognize that obsessive-compulsive behavior is not going to help to find the correct answer on an exam isn't working.    My brain isn't even relaxed enough to process things when its in this state.  I know that.  I have been a very good natural student.  I know how to study.  How come I can't do that right now?

I am doing the same thing in therapy.  Obsessively-compulsively analyzing things; trying to understand things from all different angles.  This rift I have with my therapist about her telling me I have poor insurance.  I can't get it out of my head.  Does this mean she is a bad therapist?  Shouldn't she know better than to tell a client they have crappy insurance?  If she were a decent therapist wouldn't this be like a line you just don't cross- like the line that my wacky therapist in my twenties crossed telling me he had sexual fantasies about me and then telling me, when I was upset over it, that I had hit a breakthrough in my therapy. That was all cover his * kind of talking.  What a betrayal.  No wonder I am suspicious when I think a therapist has crossed what should be a clear line.

She has been so good so many times.  Calling me for a full free therapy session when I drank too much and couldn't drive to see her.  Texting me back when I am upset; immediately.  Telling me what a good job I am doing and how smart I am and how I am using my brain to help me recover.  Validating me for the first time in my life that my father is cruel and I have a right to be hurt and angry and upset and she wishes she could spit in his face.  Telling me that she is mad at him.  Taking me on a walk during therapy to help us bond.  Never being even two minutes late for a session.  Apologizing  if she is even one minute behind schedule.  Seeing me for an entire hour not just 45 - 50 minutes.  Telling me that I have to tell my inner child that it was not my fault.  Telling me that I have to create better memories for my inner child.  Soothing me when I had an intense grieving session the morning of therapy.  I told her that I just wanted my mom.  I was hurting and crying and distraught and I wanted my mom and she validated that for me.  I had needs as a child and I just wanted the protection of a loving and caring mother.  I left that session feeling so so validated.  In a way I don't think I have ever been seen or validated.  No one has ever seen my hurt little child like she has.  And I am scared, I feel so vulnerable.  I feel so exposed.  I feel afraid she is going to leave or reject me or hurt me in some way.  Vulnerability according to Brene Brown is supposed to be good.  Being vulnerable with someone is supposed to heal shame.  What I am doing is what I am supposed to be doing.  Its brave.  But just like I second guessed my answers to that test I am second guessing the work I am doing in therapy.

Things that I am proud of.
(1)  I was failing 10th grade, had poor self-esteem, strained relationships with all of my family and I managed in two years to pull myself out of that black pit and get mostly A's and apply and get into a good college.
(2) I started out running around the block in 12th grade and ended up doing a full marathon at age 24 and another full marathon at age 40.
(3) I graduated in the top third of my law school class.
(4) I passed the bar on my first try.
(5) I am a good mom and my brilliant son is thriving and absolutely loves his life at Georgia Tech and has a ton of good friends-I've stopped the cycle of narcissism that has probably gone on for generations in both sides of my family
(6) I married a man the opposite of my father.  He is caring and empathetic and loves me unconditionally.
(7) Even though in my twenties I had a bad therapist who told me he had sexual fantasies about me and betrayed my trust I went on to find a psychiatrist who healed me from that wound and turned my life completely around so I could marry a good and caring man.
(8) I did extremely well in an oral argument I had to make my first year in law school; can't remember exactly but I think I was in the top ten.
(9) I had a reputation at my law firm as one of the best at dealing with clients; even those who were difficult.  Clients really liked me and would request me specifically if they ended up having to deal with another attorney
(10) I had the capacity to work very quickly and efficiently with clients without losing their trust or making them feel like I rushed through the process
(11) I am very creative and have made some very beautiful scrapbooks including one for my grandmother that everyone raved about.
(12) I am a good photographer
(13) I write very well; able to summarize things and come to conclusions without excess detail
(14) I am very good with animals and very bonded with my dog
(15) I did so well in my senior thesis class in college that after my presentation my professor said I would be a good candidate for the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University
(16) I have good taste in clothes and know how to dress to flatter my best features
(17) I am very empathetic and loyal and make a good friend
(18) My grandmother adored me, particularly when I was little and we shared a lot of positive traits like creativity, interest in politics and love of reading
(19) I have a nice home that is clutter free in a good neighborhood
(20) My husband has worked at the same job for 32 years and is very good at what he does
(21) I am a good wife; I have a strong and loving attitude toward my husband
(22) I was a good daughter to my father and a good sister and I realize that those relationships have to end because they are not reciprocated
(23) I have been very resilient in my life; succeeding despite a very traumatic childhood and adolescence.
(24) I have a deep appreciation for nature and feel quite spiritual when I am in a beautiful outdoor setting.
(25) I made partner at my law firm and was given a BMW as a reward
(26) I have the capacity to heal myself and an innate curiosity about the workings of my mind
(27) I have had success at turning my life around after setbacks
(28) I have a love and appreciation of 70's music
(29) I have deep empathy for people who are oppressed or otherwise disadvantaged in society and love hearing and reading about those who triumph despite adversity
(30) I am pretty
(31) I had an internship in Washington DC when I was in college and got to work at The National Womens Political Caucus and a Congressmans office

that's quite an impressive list, jd.  you  deserve to be proud of all that.

can you be proud of correcting those 2 questions on that exam, even if you also mucked up 2 that were fine in the first place?  it's the perfection thing, isn't it.  i can so so so much relate to this.  i know that feeling of being punched for something slightly off or that i perceived as a criticism that i expected myself to have done perfectly.   those punches didn't come on a consistent basis, but when they did, they knocked the air out of me.  that's how it felt.

while i've been in that iron-clad perfection cloak, it was never enough, no matter all my accomplishments, no matter what a good person i was, no matter all the positives about me.  still, it was never enough.

as you know, i've recently wrestled with this issue, and i do believe i've been able to take most of that cloak off.  maybe not all of it, but i do feel different.  last night i began putting my jewelry back on.  i used to wear at least 10 necklaces, beads, pendants, etc., bracelets, rings, and 4 different earrings in my ears.  hippie chick look.  non-conformist.  i loved my look, my style.  i rocked it.

after getting so sick 15 yrs. ago, it all came off.  i haven't worn necklaces in all that time.  last night, i was watching a show, and they mentioned a 'stone of valor'.  it got me to thinking that i needed something tangible to remind myself that the cloak is off and needs to stay off.  i found two stones from necklaces, one is turquoise in an unorthodox setting, one is my birthstone, a small opal.  i found some embroidery floss and made them into necklaces.  the turquoise is my stone of valor for tackling the beast of perfection and breaking it apart, the opal is the reclaiming of my true self, my humanness, and the floss is for the imperfection of not having silver or gold chains for these stones.  perfection be dammed (metaphorical spelling). 

jd, i sincerely hope you can best your own perfection beast.  i know how exhausting it is to go through all those hoops in whatever you're doing to attempt to make it perfect.  i also know what it's like to expect perfection from those around us, those we care about, those we count on, like your therapist.

i agree, your therapist shouldn't have brought up the money issue.  i think it was a mistake.  that said, it was a mistake, not necessarily a deal-breaker, especially with all the other things that she's done for you and helped you with.  i know how difficult it is to get this stuff into some kind of meaningful perspective rather than seeing everything always as all or nothing, black and white.

my heart is totally with you, jd.  i can't explain the feeling of relief i'm experiencing, enjoying, and nurturing.  i slept better last night.   i woke up, felt my stone of valor around my neck, touched it, and smiled immediately.   this is real.  it is a beginning.  i hope you find yours soon.  it's such a light feeling.  that cloak is so gol-durned heavy!!!  big hug!

San,

So glad you are feeling relief.  You are an inspiration to me and love your making of your stone of valor.  That's the way to be self-nurturing. :hug:

I talked to my therapist today.  The reason I was so obsessed and perfectionistic with those two questions is the inner conflict I am wrestling with regarding going from being an attorney to a medical coder.  I am keeping my bar license active and we sometimes talk about me going back into law.  At 52 with no other specialty other than bankruptcy and not wanting to go back to bankruptcy I don't see how I am going back to law; but the hope is still there.  The medical coding is considered entry level.  My therapist also said she doesn't think I should put my law experience on my resume in going after a medical coding job because of how that would be perceived.  She thinks employers would toss my resume.  That means I essentially have to live a lie in any job I get.  How am I going to make friends with my coworkers when I can't tell the truth about my life.  That's what I am experiencing at my volunteer job at the hospital-no one knows I was an attorney and it has the affect of me not wanting to talk about myself.  This is all so complex.  I have to try and find a way to re frame this so that I can be kinder and gentler to myself.  I could look at it this way.  I retired from law and want to do something fun and easy for awhile.  I have to create a resume that will pass muster for an entry level job.  I can talk to people about work, pets, vacations, husbands etc.  I have to think positively. 

On the insurance issue.  She admitted she was wrong in telling me (evidently its a $25 reduction per hour of service, ($65 instead of $90).  She said she is so mad at insurance companies, Aetna, in particular for reducing fees.  She thinks its going to discourage psychotherapists from going into the work.  She feels the practice is being disrespected and that the new medical model of encouraging people to go to their psychiatrist for a 15 minute medication check instead of therapy is so wrong.  I told her about each instance she mentioned my "poor insurance."  She just kept saying she shouldn't have said it.  That she never meant it personally directed at me.  I said what if you just don't want to see me anymore because of the poor insurance.  She said she would never do that and that she has even continued seeing people who can no longer afford her services at all. She also said she feels we have a good relationship and we can handle this rift.  So in her actions she is quite generous, in her words she comes across as resentful.   I offered to make up the difference and she immediately said no, "unless you are rolling in the money and i know you are not".

She also said she is reading Pete Walkers book and that she thinks its fantastic.  She said it gave her ideas on helping other clients too.

At 52 with no other specialty other than bankruptcy and not wanting to go back to bankruptcy I don't see how I am going back to law; but the hope is still there.  The medical coding is considered entry level.  My therapist also said she doesn't think I should put my law experience on my resume in going after a medical coding job because of how that would be perceived.  She thinks employers would toss my resume.  That means I essentially have to live a lie in any job I get.  How am I going to make friends with my coworkers when I can't tell the truth about my life.  That's what I am experiencing at my volunteer job at the hospital-no one knows I was an attorney and it has the affect of me not wanting to talk about myself.  This is all so complex

Hi JD,
This is so close to my own situation it's eerie.

Also a former professional, also a volunteer now, often finding myself talked down to by people with less quals and experience, also unable to tell almost anyone the truth about myself and my life, and the toll that has taken on relationships.

This is such a vulnerable position socially. I wonder how many people this happens to.

Having restored some of my dignity recently, I see in retrospect how some of the issues you've described here led to my increasingly self-defeating behaviour, being taken advantage of and abused, led to me increasingly accepting of being treated like dirt and never sticking up for myself.  There was a lot more to my situation, but I thank you for raising this.  I'd like to use this as a foundation for a separate post, if I may, because I think responses to journal posts shouldn't veer off into another person's subject matter.

I did try to raise this issue, along with a whole lot of surrounding baggage in my case, that affected my life, with my T and was never allowed to discuss it.  Was told it was a non-issue.  It was one of the things that in a post trying to unravel the issues with her, I said I'd recently asked her if we could agree to disagree about.  I didn't see my being silenced over this as a red flag, but a difference of opinion.  I wish I had realised how important it was to find that issues such as this, issues that caused me pain and confusion in a number of diverse situations with other people, that profoundly affected my ability to know how to relate to people, were repeatedly brushed aside, and, just as importantly, the effect of allowing them to be. I was colluding with my therapist overwriting my own lived experience with her belief system, her right to ignore the effects of her own privilege, and her resultant ignorance.  Red flag.

Worst of all, her doing so was a perfect example to the very kind of experience that I was needing to unravel. I so much needed to find a way to reclaim my power and relate to others as an equal, not a fawning, obsequious, whipped dog.

Said too much about me here.  Apologies. I'd keep an eye on the situation with your therapist.  Not saying you have a problem, just that you may need to keep an eye out for the possiblity of one emerging.

Radical,  I would love to hear more about your experience in having to step down, in terms of your vocation.  Also what do you mean by keeping an eye on the situation with my therapist?  The insurance situation or something else?

JD, therapists are only human.  But I suspect my expectations were too low, and I was too easily spurred to gratitude and too eager to ignore problems.  This was a pattern in all my relationships.  I don't know if this applies to you.  What I noticed was that your therapist seemed to prioritise justifying herself and her feelings over your feelings and needs.  I didn't notice anything in what you wrote that said she 'got it' and in fact seemed to highlight her own 'goodness' in pointing out that the payment differential was even greater than you realised and also in pointing out other good deeds. She also justified why she was so disgruntled, ie the implications for psychotherapy etc.  Again - not the issue.

What would have been better from my point of veiw would have been a clean, clear apology and then asking to hear how you felt each time it happened, and an acknowledgement of understanding.  But then people are human, we all mess up and want to explain why, before, or instead of, hearing how the other person tell us how they were affected, sometimes.

I've been burned.  It will take a long time to make sense of my experience, and in the meantime I'm probably over-cautious.  I don't see my therapist as being a bad person, but she wasn't the right person for me, and that is a factor in therapy too - the match of strengths and weaknesses between two people and how they interact - for the good and the not so good.  I won't comment further about your therapist because the danger of my being triggered and overreacting as a result is too great.

My own story is too complicated to explain easily.  A cascade of traumas, and resulting legal battles completely overwhelmed me for many years.  I had never been able to get back up basically.  I do feel I'm getting up now after a 'false start' involving a vicious narc wiped out my previous, precarious social networks.

One of the issues that I wanted to deal with in therapy but was not able to, is that I have no children, partner or job and a big black whole, two decades long that I can't explain when I get to know people.  I've never known what to say about my life.  The truth is far too personal, painful, complex and 'othering'.  I can't talk about when my life was more "normal" without having to field questions about why I'm not still working as I was, why I can't.  With women the biggest issues are around being childless and partnerless.  These are painful matters for me, particularly not having children because it was what I wanted most in life.  I don't want to be in the position of having to lie.

I still need a way to deal with this.  People choose all sorts of lifestyles, but mine wasn't a lifestyle but severe ptsd, social anxiety and depression. Hence a 'tainted' social identity.  Not saying anything, and defelecting questions creates issues. In the past, I tended to relate most easily to people who made up for the gap where I should have been, with themselves. Which was a recipe for disaster. I need to find a way of answering the difficult questions in a way I can feel okay with.

One thing I can say here, is that the decade of legal battles weren't for my benefit, were really courageous, and caused further harm to me.  I was trying to do what I believed was the right thing in preventing other people being harmed as I had been.

Radical,

I think you are right.  Truthfully, when I woke up this morning I didn't feel better.  I still think she would rather see someone who she gets paid more to see.  She said she likes treating me.  I know she enjoys it.  But she didn't make me feel better about  the vulnerability I feel.  She never did apologize for making me feel bad.  In fact at one point she said she thought we had already talked about it once.  It irritates me when she doesn't remember things and I have to repeat them.  I don't know what to do, bring it up again until she acknowledges just how painful a feeling it was (just like when my dad made me feel like crap about money.)   Is me bringing it up again just an indication of how much power over me she has and just reenforcing that? And making me feel even more vulnerable.  She is very money conscious.  She is very opinionated.  Sometimes she has no filter when those two things come together.  I don't know.  I am in a really bad mood ever since she told me I would probably have to doctor up my resume in getting a new job.  To know that I have to go on feeling like I do now, which is a stifling feeling of not wanting to talk about myself-its just very depressing.  Its not fair to have this CPSTD and go through all the pain of learning in therapy how to be vulnerable with people to get to know them and realize you can't even use the skills you are learning in therapy.  That just sucks.

I know you had a terrible experience with therapy.  I have been completely betrayed by a therapist before; sexually exploited; then lied to about the betrayal I felt; by telling me my pain was just part of the process of therapy; because he was scared he would get caught.  When I found a new pyschiatrist he was the kindest most fatherly man.  He went out of his way to make me feel safe and protected and cared for.  But we had problems too.  He was much much older and would forget things all the time.  Sometimes he even fell asleep in sessions.  I forgave him because he was so caring.  Maybe I should cut my therapist some slack on this one issue.  I am sure she will never bring it up again.

It makes me sad when people have been through so much pain and then get abused again by someone in the caring profession.  I can tell you that I have healed from it and rarely, rarely think about this therapist.  Are you going to pursue other therapy? Or take a break?

Hi JD,
In answer to your question - I don't know.

The thing with your therapist - it seems that how well you are able to work with her might depend on how well you are able to be aware of, and manage the issues and resultant blind spots that belong to her.  Therapists get to pick and choose which, if any, of their issues they  address and they are not accountable to us in doing so.

There can be a serious problem in a therapist's problem impacting on us, and in turn that impact affecting them, and the whole thing going around in circles.  This problem also happens in reverse, obviously. We can't change anyone else, but if we are affected in our therapy we have to find a way to manage these kinds of problems to stop them causing barriers to what we need to do.

Part of therapy is exploring our own values and philosophical, political, and spiritual understandings.  What can unhelpful in doing so, is  a therapist not understanding the barrier between their's and ours. It made me uncomfortable to hear that the two of you 'chat' about such things because if she has the desire or need to explore her own understandings, or worse have them validated, she needs to do that with someone else.

The issue that should have taken precedence was the impact on you and what that raised for you.  The issue that appeared to take precedence was how she felt.  It seems to me that you are now in the position of finding a way to address your issue without setting off her's.

One way of avoiding this may be to keep right away from general chats about philosophy, spirituality, ethics or politics, from ever finding out what her thoughts are on any of those matters.  At the beginning of a session there might be a place for  light, ice-breaking, inconsequential, chit-chat, but beyond this.....? 

I'm sure she has plently of avenues for discussing such things for herself, outside of your therapy.  If she had done a great deal of work on herself, she might be in a position to have insight into her own stuff and therefore the wisdom and humility to very selctively bring some of her own experiences into therapy, for your benefit, in a way which isn't exploitative and which doesn't place covert demands on you.

Therapy always involves two hurt people, but the hurts and needs that must be focusued on explicitly and implicitly are your's.

I hope you can find a way to address or manage things so that you have the space and freedom to do the work you need to do.  There is no uninjured person, therapist or not, in this broken world.

hey, jd,

i didn't get around to writing this when i first read it, but i want to add this to some of the concerns you and radical are already discussing, if i may.  an alarm bell went off for me when you talked about offering to pay your t the difference financially and she didn't outright refuse. 

i practiced in the states, and, altho every t has a little bit of wiggle room of their own in the matter of accepting gifts from clients, by and large it wouldn't be ethical for her to accept money from you (if that's where this is happening.  in other countries, i don't know.)  that would be a professional no-no.  i didn't like that she hinted that something like that might be viable if you had lots of money.  personally and professionally, i would never even entertain such an idea, no matter how rich you might be!  like i said, she made an agreement with the insurance co. on your fee.  it's not up to you to fix that. 

like radical said, your job is to look into, explore, get help with your own issues, not be concerned with hers.   i think you both have brought up some valid points about your own feelings with this issue, and about how she's handled it.  it doesn't feel good to me, either.

as far as bringing this issue up again, i think it depends on how much time and energy you want to invest in it.  speaking to your goals in therapy, will it benefit you more, move you forward, to bring it up or to set it aside, just move on with dealing with your issues?  that's a decision for you to make, and whichever way you decide to go is valid.  it's your therapy, your recovery - you get to do what's best for you.

are you able to go in and have therapy with her, regardless of what you are thinking she may want to do - if she'd rather work with someone else or not?  be careful of making assumptions.  if you need to ask her again, point blank, accept her answer and you can base your decision on that.  if you're feeling uncomfortable, and that discomfort is going to get in the way of having meaningful sessions with her, you may want to re-think the situation. 

i also don't know how she could tell you that about your resume.  how does she know that, to say it so bluntly?   i couldn't say that to a client - i couldn't even say that to anyone.  i don't know why, what, or how about resumes, not in that context.  does she have a business degree or something?  worked in HR for hiring purposes?  this is probably just me, but i don't understand this.  what i do understand is that she gave you an opinion, her opinion, and it's caused you discomfort, even distress.  is that something to talk to her about?

i share the pain of betrayal by therapists.  i have not had one yet who didn't inflict more pain on me.  not in the states nor in mexico.  i've worked with 2 counselors, who were helpful for me, but there was no trauma healing done.  just help and support for what i was going thru at the time.

you're absolutely right that it isn't fair, it isn't right, it isn't ok to be hurt even further by those in the helping professions, whether it's mental, spiritual, or physical health.   i absolutely hate that those with the power (i don't see them as authority figures, but that's just me.) abuse it, take advantage of someone's vulnerability, prey on the people they're supposed to be helping, and then even turn it around (that pain is just part of the therapy process?  b.s.) to make us feel responsible or bad for what they shouldn't have done in the first place.  it just adds another layer on top of all the layers we're already dealing with.  grrrrr!!!   

just my opinions.  best wishes with all this, jd.  i'd say, if you were asking, to go with your gut on this.  not fair at all.    :hug:

I am very depressed.  I didn't sleep again last night.  When I asked my therapist whether she would rather see someone with full insurance she said yes.  So she already has given her answer.  She gives too much advice. Like what to put on my resume.  She talks to me too much about going back to the legal field. That should be my choice not her continued bringing it up.  I think she doesn't think medical coding is good enough.  She isn't giving me enough room to form my own opinions.  I think I have to terminate therapy and I am terrified

I'm really sorry you weren't able to work this out. :hug:

Not all therapists are a perfect match, so don't be too hard on yourself. If your therapist would rather have someone with insurance (which is kind of a rude thing to say to someone without it tbh) then terminate and find someone who will be more accepting of you in the future. Of course, this is easier said than done, and im really sorry youve had to go through such a hard time with your previous therapist...good luck jd

So I texted her.  I said, "Do you understand how your comment, about how you would rather work with someone whose insurance is better, hurt me?  Do you get that that is a hurtful thing to say?  She said, "Yes, I am very sorry!  Can you accept my apology-I very much hope so! I messed up!

She acknowledged that our discussion about insurance/money/ brings up feelings in both of us and that we can hopefully "make peace" with it.  The whole transference thing.  It is so very complex.  She most definitely has issues around money (and she says she has had years of therapy) But she admitted she made a mistake.  That took courage.

I think I am going to have a consult with a therapist who is on my insurance panel, whose website looked great and see how that goes.

In the meantime, maybe we can repair this rift.  We have both invested a lot in this relationship.  I have discovered things about myself with her that I never knew.  I have showed parts of my soul that have never been revealed.  It has been very healing. 

Do you give up on a troubled marriage when both partners openly acknowledge the problems and agree to work through them?  Maybe I am learning something very valuable here.  People screw up, they hurt us, in the case of my family they never apologize, but she did.  And she did so when I spoke up for myself.  When I brought it out into the open.

My problem is that I do not speak up when something makes me feel uneasy.  This has been a huge thing in my life. I wonder if this whole insurance thing would have been solved months ago if I had just had the courage to say, the very first time it came up, hey, whats going on here, this whole telling me I have crappy insurance-its making me feel bad.  Instead, I let it go on for months.

The people on this forum, San, Radical, you have made me realize my blind spots.  This therapist most definitely has issues around money.  I am going to have to speak up anytime something makes me feel uneasy.  I am going to have to let her know that continuing to bring up my going back to practicing law is causing me internal conflict.  I think this is part of her MONEY issue.  She wants me to go back to a better paying job.  I just want to think it terms of "a good enough job"  a "good enough life."

I think that most of my healing has been through discovering this forum and researching, journaling, discussing, reading books, etc.  The therapist part - well - that has been a part of it too-but not the most.  I am so grateful for the intelligent, insightful, generous and compassionate people of this forum for help in my healing.  I would not be where I am today without it.  I would be stuck in that frozen like depression, detached from the whole world.

I feel really happy for you.  It's a great thing in itself, and a really good sign for your therapy relationship.  Of course everyone screws up.  The awful thing is that something is important to us and we don't speak up the  distance grows - between ourselves and others, and somehow inside too in the form of a kind of learned helplessness and depression.

When I think of the mess I've made in relationships because of this it makes me so sad.  All I wanted was to be close, yet I was creating distance.

I'm also going to work really hard on recognising what is important to me and finding healthy ways of speaking up when I need to. I'm so glad we can support each other in this!

:cheer:  Yay JD

well, jd, good for you!  well done!  not only about speaking up with this issue, but realizing that speaking up in general when something doesn't jive with you is important.  that's so great!  it sounds like you have learned a lot thru therapy with this t, but this may be one of the biggest, most important life lessons you've learned.  sometimes we get what we weren't even looking for or didn't exactly know we needed it.  i love it when it's nearly magical that it happens.

i don't think it's a bad thing to explore options, such as a consult with another therapist.  i think you made a good point, tho, about people making mistakes in relationships, even therapeutic ones, and if there is acknowledgment of the mistake, a sincere apology, and it doesn't happen again, the rift may be moved on from. 

it does sound like you have a valid point about her opinions leaning toward money with her continually bringing up your job wishes and goals.  you may have to speak up to her again about her not getting personally involved in anything you're discussing that has to do with money, then wait to see what happens.  can she put her opinions, her preferences re: money on the shelf and not let them creep into your therapy?  that sounds like it would be a challenge for her. 

you may want to give that a chance, see what happens.  if she messes up, or refuses to make that commitment, then, unfortunately, you may have gone as far as is good for you with her.  it's not unusual in a therapeutic relationship to have an 'end date', so to speak.  one therapist may only be able to take you so far, and that's it,  it's time to move on.  you can be grateful for what you got out of the therapy with her, but, like a coach, sometimes they reach their own level of being able to help.  that could be up to either of you to determine.

i think you're doing really well with this.  and, i have to say i agree with you about how much 'therapy' i've gotten out of this forum.  i had to end it with my therapist more than 6 mos. ago, and this place and the people here have slid into the groove quite smoothly for me. 

keep up the good work, jd.  best to you!  big hug, my dear.

So I had a bad dream about the therapist in my twenties who abused me sexually.  There were all these themes of money and me trying to stay away from him.  I know its about my current situation with T.  She apologized for hurting me- but can I let it go?  I feel like she renewed her contract with Aetna, didn't read the small print and took my insurance.  After I was already established she realized my insurance didn't reimburse her like it used to.  It started slipping out in sessions-her anger about that.  She resented it.  Then she became fond of me; proud of me and she was ok with the insurance thing then.  But I hadn't resolved it.  When I tried to resolve it she just got defensive.  She half-way acknowledged what she did was wrong but just tried to justify it.  She felt she was being truthful with me when she says she'd rather be reimbursed at a higher rate. (She would rather see someone who has better insurance)  Well who wouldn't? She must have thought.  Duh! Obviously.  She didn't see how very painful it was for me to even bring it up. She couldn't see my pain.  Sleepless hours agonizing over just bringing it up but being brave and doing it anyway.  Just walking away from that session feeling low.  Hoping it was resolved but it wasn't. And then I text her. She says she gets it.  That she is sorry.  I melt a little.  Its ok, I can trust her. I can continue seeing her.  I don't have to feel abandoned.  I feel better.  But it doesn't last.

She was in a great mood when I walked into that session.  I was feeling like crap from not sleeping.  The first thing she says to me, before I can get a word out, is that the book I gave her to read was great.  That it even had helpful information for another client, she says.  How well written it is etc.  And she says, "did you say I could keep it?" with a delighted smile on her face.   I meekly say yes, even though I didn't feel good about it.  Then I started talking about the insurance issue-she is slowly realizing the dynamic I brought up-that I didn't feel I should be asking her to do homework (reading the book) when my insurance doesn't pay well. She says I shouldn't have done that-(brought up the insurance)-I am just mad at insurance companies. She says "I shouldn't have asked you to keep the book".  I am still silent.

Later I think, I underlined all of these key parts of that book, so she would know what I thought was important.  And it was also for my benefit in rereading it.  And I just gave it to her, because she asked.  And I don't feel like I can take that back.  Does she like me giving her gifts for some reason-like when I gave her extra money when she was also reimbursed by insurance. She was delighted.  Other people tell me this isn't ethical.  She shouldn't be taking money from me for sessions that the insurance has already reimbursed.  Its not ethical.  Does it make her feel some sense of gratitude that fills some need in her.  She once told me her mother learned to use men to get money.  Is she still wounded about money because of how her mother handled money?

I don't know if I can get over this money issue with her.  She said in her text.  "I took your insurance and I am glad now"  That tells me she wasn't glad at all at first.  The fact that she was working with me in the beginning, but really resented it.  I don't think I can just get over that just because "she no longer resents it."  Because now she has bonded with me.  She apologized to me by text but is she willing to do it in person?

So I am having to go through more sleepless nights figuring out how our next session is going to go.  I have to tell her, I want the book back.  (How could she think its o.k. to keep this book with my underlining things all over it?)  I have to tell her to stop mentioning going back to practicing law.  I have to tell her about the dream about my old therapist.  I have to tell her I feel a sense of betrayal.  We have to talk about transference and countertransference. Uhh! This is agony.  Should it be this hard?  My old therapist tried to trick me out of thinking and knowing, I was betrayed, by saying therapy is hard and I was doing good.  Is she going to try and do the same?  Am I just too needy for her?  Too wounded?  Do I need a therapist who specializes in trauma?

So I started obsessing over finding a new therapist.  The kind of obsessing that is not healthy.  The list of therapists that take my insurance is huge.  I kept googling therapists over and over.  So many were clearly all wrong.  Some couldn't spell the word "holistic" correctly.  Some did EMDR and tapping-I don't think those things would be helpful for me at all.  Some specialized in kids, but said they do adults-that didn't work with my previous horrible therapist that specialized in kids, that didn't even know what a narcissist was.  Some said they take my insurance but I have to submit the forms! What!  Some said if my insurance doesn't reimburse me I have to make up the difference.  Again what? I thought that wasn't ethical.  So I do email one or two people.  One immediately emails me back.  She even gives me a time and date.  She specializes in family systems therapy and had the word, Narcissitic Personality in her list of items treated.  She works in an upscale area of town.  Her linkedin profile has lots of skills and endorsements. Her credentials and experience look solid.  And I think good, she knows what a narcissist is.  She knows how important the FOO is.  She casually mentions in her email, that if I am using insurance just call Tessa at this number.  So I think that my low reimbursing insurance shouldn't be an issue.  So I should have stopped there right?  I keep going.  I find a therapist that practiced as an attorney for awhile and had credentials that were very impressive and I leave a message on her voicemail.  But I didn't really like the sound of her voice.  It didn't sound warm.

I try to talk to my husband about it but he doesn't know what to say.  He didn't like a couple of things she has said, one about our marriage.  But he knows I am attached to her.  I tell him I am going to stop obsessing over a new therapist.  I am just going to go to my next session; see how that goes.  Then go for a consult with the new therapist and see how that goes.

So last night we were watching a movie.  Short term 12.  Its about a female director (who was abused herself) of a group home for neglected youth.  These youth have been so abused and they do alarming things - all the time- like running as fast as they can toward the gate that they can jump over and once they are over the staff aren't allowed to touch them.  They also have screaming fits and need to be calmed down.  I say to my husband - my god these staff (two are former foster kids) they have been through so much and here they are in the midst of other kids pain.  He says to me, "they are just trying to help people like you".  I start crying.  I realize he gets it now.  That I was abused.  In our 22 years of marriage he hasn't known the real me until the last few months, after my discoveries.  He tells me the things my father did, how horrible that must have been for me.  I hugged him.  I felt so validated. I have been hiding for so long.

This is gut-wrenching for me right now - betrayal of trust, trying to find someone you can trust, trusting yourself in doing this , in going through this.

It is really courageous of you to be so honest.  I know how mind-bending it is to go through this.

I'm so glad your husband got it, and that he gave you what you needed in that moment.  I'm glad you finally feel you can start to come out of hiding.

Keep being true to, and trusting in yourself.

Thank you for sharing your struggle with this, it is helpful for me to know I'm not alone.

Radical,

Your story is gut wrenching to me too!  Thank you for seeing this today and writing your response.  I know that what you are going through is just as complex and agonizing as what I am going through.

Thank you for validating my honesty.  I know its the only way through.  We can't live in denial of our emotions anymore.  Like San said, we got to get this stuff out of us.  Its just poison.

This forum is keeping me accountable to my true self.  I don't know where I would be without it.

I am feeling stronger.  I have researched issues of insurance and money in therapist practices.  I have learned about ethical practices.  I have learned about strong feelings that arise when therapists feel de-valued by insurance companies.  I know that it must be a painful feeling.  I see both sides.  I see my therapist as someone who is feeling the decline in the value that insurance companies place on the work they do.

I also know there is a therapeutic frame.  Boundaries are set.  The frame is key.  When that frame is broken; like the ways in which my therapist broke them-repair must be done.  She let her own personal feelings about insurance companies devaluing her work slip into our personal relationship.

What I am expecting this therapist to do is to acknowledge her deficiencies in keeping the therapeutic frame in place.  If she acknowledges that-well she is admitting she is human.

If she doesn't acknowledge or understand how her personal feeling about money are impacting our relationship-well then - she isn't very self aware.  At that point, I would have to think that I am more self-aware then she is.  That is where my power comes in.  I am intelligent, resourceful, self-aware of my own deficiencies (my vulnerability when I feel like someone might abandon me) that I can go in there and let the truth come out and see where the chips fall.  So power can come from vulnerability.  From just seeing the truth of things.  That is powerful.  Seeing the truth of things and not ignoring it.  I don't want to interject politics here, but certain leaders are people who are blind to the truth and we are seeing that play out on the world stage in ways that are frightening and enlightening.

My researching skills and persistence are paying off.  I learned that Aetna Insurance actually pays some clinicians a higher rate than what my therapist gets.  I had a therapist tell me directly she gets paid more than my therapist under the exact same insurance.  So my therapist screwed up her negotiation with this insurance company and she was taking it out on me?  She told me I would never find a good family therapist for me and my husband (not that we even need one-but she thinks we do) because of my crappy insurance. 

She made me think my insurance is so crap that I could never find a therapist as good as her and that  I am dependent on her and her good will in taking my crappy insurance.  There are hundreds of practitioners with better credentials than her that take my insurance.  It was only when I started digging into the list of therapists on my insurance panel that I discovered this.  I had a really crappy therapist before her and I was thinking she was right-my insurance is going to limit my options.  But that's not true!  I found a therapist in network who has extensive experience in treating CPTSD and Narcissistic abuse  with really impressive credentials-she says experts have trained her in dealing with people with complex trauma.  And we are going to set up an appointment. 

Therapists stay on insurance panels for a reason (and Aetna is a huge network. ) They get referrals from them.  Most therapists can't rely on self-paying clients and survive; only the wealthiest people can afford to pay $100-$150 per session without a burden on their finances. Also my therapist was denying the fact that a lot of therapists genuinely want to help and will even offer sliding scale to people who can't afford their rates.

So I have a lot of power here.  I am going into this termination session with information that is going to blow away anything she says.  The fact that she acted unethically in taking money from me for sessions that were already reimbursed could get her into trouble with a licensing board or with the insurance company. (this was confirmed by another therapist)

Ok, so how to use this power I now have?  How do I want this session to go down?  Do I want to vent and tell her exactly how bad she made me feel about this issue and infer she is a terrible therapist who even breached professional and ethical boundaries?  Do I want to bring up the multitude of other problems in our therapeutic relationship? Or do I want to take a softer and gentler approach and let her know this isn't working for me because her continually bringing up the insurance made me feel disempowered and less than?  Do I tell her I found another therapist who has the exact experience and credentials to deal with my specific circumstance?  She should be happy for me.  She didn't even know what CPTSD was.  When I gave her a book to read about it and asked her if she thought I had this diagnosis she said she wasn't good at diagnosing, she didn't know, then she said "were you physically abused?" (SHE COULDN'T REMEMBER THIS KEY FACT ABOUT MY CASE!!!)  She doesn't realize that severe emotional abuse and neglect will cause CPTSD!  I starting talking a few minutes about my amnesia in remembering much of my childhood and she said yeah I think you do have it.

She has never given me a treatment plan with goals.  (Neither did my other crappy therapist) She has never discussed when I will be through with therapy except to tell her it could take years.  She has never discussed her approach or what we are doing in therapy.  She has given me unsolicited advice more times than I can count.  She has discounted my good marriage by saying we have problems and need therapy for them.  She told me she thinks my son's ulcerative colitis is caused by emotional issues-making me doubt my parenting skills. She constantly says my husband doesn't "get it" but that my son does.  This is so not true, my husband is extremely empathetic and gets it and my teenage son is so in his own world he has no idea whats going on with me-he's away at college.

I had had such a horrible therapist before.  One that didn't know what a narcissist was, one who would ask simply how I was doing and then have nothing else to say.  When I went into therapy with her I was just so glad she knew about this dysfunctional family system and I was validated for the very first time in my life that my father abused me.  I was so grateful for this validation that I continually ignored her other faulty observations.

I got twisted in knots about her continually bringing up me going back to practicing law and when I brought up my internal conflict she discussed it briefly and a few sessions later she was back with the "I need to keep my bar license active."  That I will be well enough (with her expert help of course) to get back to practicing law.  Even when I told her there are no jobs that fit with what I want to do and it may not be a viable option for me, she kept persisting.

I feel like I am coming out of the fog with her.  The same way I came out of the fog with my family.  By researching.  If there is a lesson to be learned here for anyone out there-if something doesn't feel right with a therapist-explore it; don't just be grateful for what you have.   Really delve into why you aren't feeling right about something.  I thought running away and not resolving conflicts with a therapist was not healthy.  I gave her second chances.  I was wrong.







Her making a blanket statement that any good therapist is going to turn me away because of my crappy insurance was such a breach of professional and ethical boundaries.  I am doing her a huge favor in going in there today to terminate my relationship with and letting her know what she did wrong.  It can help her with other clients.

QuoteOk, so how to use this power I now have?  How do I want this session to go down?

What feels best for you? What, in your own healing, are you trying to achieve? Your concern for her is compassionate, but maybe not in your best interest.

Think of how you want to feel on the other side of this, and plan your moves accordingly. Best wishes to you!

JD, be very careful here.  What do you want to achieve for yourself?

It's unlikely you will be doing her any sort of favour.  It's possible she will simply kindle your anger and make you feel crazy.  You don't want to leave this situation feeling worse, imo.

I didn't go in "all guns blazing" out to prove anything.  I wanted to resolve things and restore my trust, to leave, if necessary after an open and frank discussion which I thought would reduce tension, lead to a common understanding.  It will take me some time to deal with the aftermath.

It is entirely up to you, but remember, you are vulnerable, and you don't need her validation.  In this situation you are relatively powerless in comparison to her.  Having it out with her is unlikely to make any impression on her, other than, in a worst case scenario, proof for herself of how nuts you are.  (I'm very well aware that you are not nuts)

Consider taking a support person.

Also, my advice, don't tell her about your new therapist.

Radical,
Thank god you replied.  Its not like I can call you.  You have been where I am.  You're right.  I am vulnerable.  I am running on about 4 hours of sleep and my adrenaline is going crazy.  I am just going to put in on me.  Just like people here say confronting a narcissist does no good - its no good for me to confront her.  Its just going to keep it all stirred up for me.  I am just going to say I feel bad about how low my insurance reimburses her and that its affecting how I am doing in therapy.  That I need a break.  That I am not sleeping well.  Its too late to have someone go with me.  I may just leave early.

O.k.  so it went rather bizarrely.

So, I was pumped up with rage and adrenaline this morning; which thankfully, Radical, brought me into awareness about.  So I decided I wasn't going to go in there all angry and blow up at her.  So I went in there and I told her I still feel bad about the insurance thing.  And she kinda says, yeah.  And I say gently, "you have brought it up four or five times.  You asked me if I could get better insurance."  She says, "I did?"  She says, "I'm slipping.  I'm 73 years old.  I may have to close up shop."  She said I know you felt bad about the book.   I don't know why I asked you to keep it.  I said, yeah its got my writing all though it.  She said I brought it for you. But she doesn't tell me how far she got into it and whether we would discuss it.   She says she's having some kind of light therapy??? That she may have had a concussion.  She admitted to not having the best memory.  She said, " I think I'll be o.k. though.  Just let me know if I slip up.  She said I was doing good in standing up for myself.

At this point I didn't know what in the * to do.  She obviously is clueless that she has caused me so much distress.  I am feeling bad for her at this point.  She is admitting she may not be fit to be a therapist anymore.  What was I supposed to do-Be the one to tell her, yeah you might want to consider calling it quits.  At least for more challenging clients like myself. 

As a solution to the insurance thing she suggests what I think is rather bizarre.  She says once I get back to work, with a well paying job.  Just take the difference between what Aetna pays and other insurance pays which is now back down to only a $15 difference and not a $25 difference.  Just take that money and donate it to a charity; because I don't need the money.  What?  Not, sorry I brought it up, sorry I made you feel bad-no, some how I need to make it up to the universe?

I told her I wasn't feeling very hopeful right now about things.  She once again brought up me going back to practicing law.  Again I explained all the obstacles and problems with it.  She didn't back down.  She even suggested I open up a practice again.  After I told her how horrible my experience with that was.  We explored my phobia about court and she insisted that I could get over that.  I said the only way to deal with a phobia like fear of public speaking is to actually do it.  I said I certainly didn't feel ready to do that.

Maybe she is so desperate to keep her own career going she is projecting that on to me.  I don't know. 

She said some helpful things, about how I still need to grieve. To get in touch with my inner children.  They are the ones that are scared and hurting.  We also talked about my very scant memory of having been sexually abused by a teenager that was babysitting me.  I think its just way too vague a memory and that maybe just by reading so much about sexual abuse my memory is playing tricks on me.  But the memory I told her, she felt, was in sufficient detail to be taken seriously.  So again, she is very good at validating my pain but oh not so good in so so many other areas.  I have appointments set up with three different therapists and they are going to get peppered with lots of questions.  When I started therapy with both of these two recent therapists in the past two years, I was in a state of frozen-like severe depression and really didn't have the ability to be a wise consumer of therapy services.

Now I am aware.  I am going to consult with the therapists about how to end therapy with my current therapist in a productive way.  I am not mean spirited and don't want to tell an aging therapist that she badly screwed up-I think a part of her knows it, but hasn't come to terms with it yet.  Kinda sad.

Jdcooper, I'm very impressed with your strength here, and your insights. I'm glad you know it is her human flaws and not anything on your part that has necessitated the change of therapists. Good job, you!   :cheer:

Thank you Three Roses.  Yes, she let herself be very vulnerable with me yesterday and even emailed me a link to this light therapy she is doing to help her cognitive functioning.  I think she really likes me; may be lonely and unfortunately didn't have a very good filter when it came to her own feelings and thoughts about things. 

I am looking forward to starting fresh with someone who has her good qualities of validating me and bonding with me but can keep a good therapeutic frame and not let personal feelings, opinions and lack of filter impact our work together.

You did great.

It's sad that she is unaware, but you need and deserve effective treatment.  So glad you are being proactive in getting what you need.

I'm putting a list of questions to ask my potential therapist here so I can quickly get to it with my cell phone.

1. What experience do you have in working with someone who suffers from  narcissistic abuse?  Do you understand the scapegoat, golden child and other dysfunctional family dynamics?

2. What is your approach to therapy in working with these situations?  Would you be willing to try different approaches if one approach doesn't work?  Have you ever combined approaches e.g. cognitive with psychodynamic?  What training have you had with these approaches?  do you focus more on the past or the present?

3. Do you tend to be more directive or consultative?

4. Do you give homework in between sessions?

5. If I start having lots of problems between sessions what can I do?

6. What is your ideal client?

7. If I wanted to bring someone else to my session will that be a problem?

8. Do you tend to lead the session or would I do that?

9. What role does our relationship play in therapy?

10.  What are your strengths in your work?

11.  Have you been in therapy? Have you experienced any adversity in your life?

12.  Do you have anyone you consult with on your cases?

13.  How long do you think therapy will last?

14.  Will we be setting treatment goals together?

15. Have you ever worked with someone on career transition?

16.  How many years have you been seeing clients?

17.  What professional organizations do you belong to?  Are you active in them?

18. Do you understand complex trauma?  How do you define it?

19.  Have you ever treated a complex trauma survivor?  How many?

20.  If so, what methods do you use and why? Have you had specific training, supervision in that method?  How long have you practiced it?

21.  Do you have experience treating common co-ocurring conditions like addiction?

22. Do you know how to help me establish safety in the moment?  In the long run?

My impressions of my first consultation (of 5) Yes I am interviewing 5 different therapists. From the Sidran Institute.  My Impressions.

LMS

I felt safe and reasonably comfortable.  Yes.

I felt understood and taken seriously.  Yes

I was treated respectfully.  Yes

We generally agreed about the nature of the problem.  Yes, although I am not sure if she thought I had PTSD or CPTSD.  She asked what my psychiatrist diagnosed, Major Depression?; and I said yes.  I told her I had self diagnosed myself PTSD.  That my Psychiatrist never bothered to ask about my childhood etc.  She didn't really elaborate on that.

This feels like it could be a good match. Yes.  She was very warm and I liked that she gave me a hug at the end.  I was in a bit of an emotional state because of terminating my previous therapist relationship and not sleeping.  I had told her that I blew off my volunteer position twice this week because of the emotional distress and lack of sleep.  I told her I am going into shame spirals because of missing time from this position even if it is voluntary.  I told her I needed guidance on whether I should go in today-that I was conflicted and felt on the verge of tears, exhausted from not sleeping etc..  She said, just go and try it for 10 minutes and see how you feel. If you can't continue just tell them you don't feel good.  I am so glad that she said that because even though it was hard I went and stayed the entire time and now I don't have to feel guilt about not going.  She brings her dog with her to work and I love dogs.  She had a tiny office which felt kind of cramped; but I don't think that would really bother me. 

Did you feel comfortable and able to begin discussing your problems?  Yes.  She took a history of my life and we got into the major traumas I have been through as well as good stuff, like my marriage, and the problems I am currently experiencing, lack of sleep, self-medicating with alcohol, not exercising.  She said I need to exercise 30 minutes a day and she would be a stickler about it.  I liked that.  My other therapist said If I didn't feel up to it don't do it.  I need someone to really hold me accountable.

Did the therapist seem to understand what you were talking about?  Yes.  We talked about how I just ended my previous therapist relationship this week, how difficult the last couple of weeks have been because of the conflicts we were having.  She said she was sorry I had had to go through that.  And she said a simple phone call to terminate would suffice; that I wouldn't have to go into a lot of detail about why I am terminating therapy.

Do you feel your concerns were taken seriously and that you were treated with respect.  Yes.  She seemed to grasp the complex series of traumas I have faced.  She was very respectful.

Were the two of you in general agreement about the problem and your expectations for therapy.  Yes.  What I really liked about her is she said there are no guarantees; that therapy might stall and have to be looked at etc.  She understood I didn't want to be in therapy for years-but I think she felt like I was a bit more complex case which would take more time.  Can't remember if she put it into years or not. Like one or two.  Don't remember.  When I told her I had been putting off going to the doctor and getting a mammogram and pap and colonoscopy.  Things you are supposed to do when you are over 50.  She said you need to make an appointment to do these things right away.  I liked that.

Were you satisfied with your therapist's answers to your questions.  Yes. For the most part.  She did say she has had therapy.  She said she consults with others about her cases.  When I asked if she had experienced any adversity in her life she said yes.  She did say though that she had wonderful parents who were very much in love and she uses that as a basis to explain things in therapy-I guess like she has a model of what a good marriage is.  She said she uses lots of stories and analogies.  I kind of would like a therapist who has been there done that in terms of a bad childhood but it wouldn't be a deciding factor here.

My questions were answered adequately.  Yes.  She answered all my questions.  She was a little vague about her knowledge of narcissists but said she was certainly familiar with them.  Not so sure she has directly dealt with those who have experienced narcissistic abuse but she said she had dealt a lot with trauma survivors.  She said she had been in this line of work since the 1980's.  She said she would be available between sessions by text.  I was so glad as this is what I liked about past therapist.  I texted her and she instantly responded.  She had her phone glued by her side.

My treatment goals were addressed.  She asked me to tell her what I visualize would be a successful outcome of therapy; what my life would be like.  I tried to answer, (get back into my hobbies, get a job, find new friends) but got tripped out on the whole career issue; since this is one of my major issues.   I asked if she helps people with career transition and she said yes.  She says she doesn't draw up treatment goals per se but that we would constantly assess how therapy was going and whether it was helping.  She said she was open to any feedback, critical or otherwise and it wouldn't bother her at all if I felt like I needed to move on with another therapist.

This individual is clinically qualified.  Yes. She is a masters addictions counselor, (helpful because I self-medicate) She has a masters degree in guidance counseling and is a licensed professional counselor.  She also has a law degree which is what attracted me to her-just to have that commonality.  Evidently she has worked in mental health centers, Detox Clinics, Universities, Correctional Facilities, and hospitals.  She has also worked for large corporations in areas that were vague to me by looking at her bio.  She gave up the corporate gigs to do what she loves which is therapy. So that's great.

I can afford it.  Yes, she takes my insurance and knows the reimbursement rate and is fine with it.

I can get there with relative ease.  Yes.  It might take 45 minutes with traffic, 30 minutes without.

Do you feel you could grow to trust and work with this person.  Yes.

Overall impression.  Good

dealing with a flashback this morning that could be related to terminating my relationship with my therapist and having to start completely over.  inner critic is going crazy that I got two bad therapists in a row this past 2 years.  I might be flashing back to abandonment - my therapist is gone and I don't have a new one so I feel alone in my pain now. Ok So Pete Walker is tellng me to refuse to shame, hate or abandon myself. The self-criticism is unfair.  I have done the best I can over the past two years.  My severe depression led me to just accept the therapist I was presented with.  I didn't research and analyze because I was too severely depressed.  I am better, more self aware now and I am interviewing 5 therapists most of which have expertise with trauma.  I exercised this morning.  I picked up a book to study and will spend time doing that today.  I have a good husband who is even reading Pete Walkers book to help me and printed out managing emotional flashbacks and put it where I could see it without him even knowing I was having a flashback this morning.  Well now he knows.  I am doing the best I can to manage the very real, horrible traumas I experienced.  I have to acknowledge that this takes time and see I have come along way.   I still have trouble validating that what I went through was truly horrible and that its ok to grieve and feel bad about that.  I have got to be patient with myself.  I handled the termination with my therapist very well and I can move on now with gratitude for the help she did give me.

Hi Jdcooper,
I just wanted to say that I hope you're coping ok with today - I have read your last 2 entries in your journal, and I am so impressed by your interviewing and researching of your 1st new therapist, and it sounds like you're in a different place than you were last time - it's understandable that you are facing some triggering stuff and fearing abandonment, but I think you're handling these things really well - and I am so glad to hear your husband is supporting you with reading Pete Walker's book.

Sending you a hug from me - if it helps  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thanks so much Hope, it does help.  Feeling it bit better now. :hug:

Therapist number two


1.  I felt safe and reasonably comfortable.  Yes, she had a nice comfortable office.
2.  I felt understood and taken seriously.  Yes,  she knew right away what narcissitic abuse was, the issue of splitting that Narcissists do with children, the fact that I had no childhood memories, meant pretty serious trauma.  She is the first to say definitely that what I have is CPTSD. finally.
3. I was treated respectfully.  Most definitely, she was impressed with my research and also said at one point that there quite a lot of hope for me getting better; in that I was resourceful and had done so much in my life despite my upbringing
4.  We agreed about the nature of the problem.  Yes we went over all the major traumas
5. This feels like it could be a good "match."  Yes, she is a trauma survivor and she has achieved quite a bit and that is inspirational to me and I felt immediately that we could dialogue very well together
6. My questions were answered adequately.  Yes.  She said she didn't know the length of therapy that she treated people with very specific phobias in just several sessions but someone like me was more complex.
7.  My treatment goals were addressed.  Yes, we weren't quite done with assessment but I mentioned a couple of goals and she wants me to bring in more for the next time we meet so we can go over them.
8. This individual is clinically qualified.  Yes she is a PHD level with training by experts in the field of complex trauma.  She is also very familiar with personality disorders though she said she knew more about borderline that narcissism
9. I can afford it.  Yes.  She takes my insurance.
10. I can get there with reasonable ease.  Yes.
11.  Did I feel comfortable and able to begin discussing your problems.  Yes, I even volunteered painful stuff; she had not yet got to.  I wanted her to have a clear picture
12. Did you feel your concerns were taken seriously and that you were treated with respect?  Yes
13.Were the two of you in general agreement about the problem and your expectations for therapy?  Yes.  She explained that I had a lot of different traumas so there was a lot to work with but we would come up with treatment goals
14.  Were you satisfied with the therapists answers to your questions.  Yes.  She said she uses an integrative approach.  She also said cognitive behavioral therapy sometimes doesn't work as well with those that are pretty good at analyzing things in their heads.
15.Did you feel that you could grow to trust and work with this person?  Yes - The only thing I didn't like is per her agreement that she will not accept any texts or emails about therapeutic matters.  That I could call but it could be 24 hours before I got a call back.  Sounds like she doesn't want to do any work in between sessions.  She says she would be recommending websites and apps but that unlike some therapies mine probably wouldn't be as homework intensive; rather just reflecting upon what was done in session.  She said she felt like the client/therapist relationship was the most important thing in therapy as a whole; which I quite agree with.

Therapist No. 3
1.  I felt safe and reasonably comfortable.  Yes
2.  I felt understood and taken seriously.  Yes, although I did feel at times that some of the distressing events I was describing were not fully appreciated by her.  She didn't have a sense of outrage - just more of a sense that she had heard it all before and that my story was not that shocking.
3. I was treated respectfully.  Unfortunately, due to a scheduling screw up she had two 6 o'clock appointments and I had to wait an hour to see her.  I didn't give me the greatest feeling.  She has someone else control her schedule somewhat and that person screwed up.  I also wasn't told how to get out of the building and at 8 pm the doors were locked and I couldn't get out and I had intense anxiety about being trapped in there and went back up and luckily caught her. She took me back down and showed me a very obscure small button to push to get out.  The moments in the elevator were awkward and I couldn't wait to get out of there.
4. We agreed about the nature of the problem.  I asked her what she thought about my diagnosis at the end.  Whether she thought I had PTSD or complex trauma and she said that she was sensing a lot of anxiety and she wouldn't say for sure what she thought my diagnosis was.  She didn't say it was too soon to tell.  She just said something about anxiety driving things.  I felt a little frustrated by this; but other therapists have also been reluctant to put a PTSD or CPSTD diagnosis on me.
5. This feels like it could be a good match.  She was very soft-spoken - almost to the point I couldn't hear her at times.  I almost felt like my conversational style was much more bold and direct than hers.  It made me feel like I wanted more of a reaction out of her aside from her quiet observations that I had had a lot of loss and betrayal in my life.
6. My questions were answered adequately.  Yes.  She stated she loves DBT and CBT and that it saved her life.  She is a victim of domestic violence in her childhood and adulthood.  She feels like the therapy is "evidence based"  and even more so in the last ten years it has become better developed.  I told her I thought DBT was for suicidal and borderline patients and I felt I was neither and she said it works with those without those "greater problems."  She talked about mindfulness-which most of the therapists I have talked to have mentioned.  I also told her I had been frustrated with a CBT workbook I had tried to use and how overwhelming it is to try and address even a fraction of my negative thoughts.  I told her I can intellectually understand things but when it came to feeling things-they were different than my intellectual view.  For instance knowing my fathers abusive behavior was not about me and certainly not my fault.  But yet somehow still feeling like they were my fault.  She also stated I could have email and text access to her in between sessions.
7.  My treatment goals were addressed.  She said we would be setting treatment goals.  I told her I wanted better occupational and social functioning.
8.This individual is clinically qualified.  Yes.  She has extensive training in her chosen treatment modalities, DBT and CBT.  She has over 20 plus years experience.
9.  I can afford it, through insurance and it is easy to get there.
Overall impression is just fair because I am not quite a believer in her chosen methods of treatment CBT and DBT.

10.  Did you feel comfortable and able to begin discussing your problems.  For some reason with her I really unleashed every negative detail of my life and felt like I was just gushing with stuff.  i am not sure why I felt compelled to dump just everything out there.  I almost feel she should have steered me better and not let me get into so much painful detail.  When it was time to end I felt extremely vulnerable and exposed.  To her credit she said she thought things would crop up with me later and that I could call her.
11.  Did the therapist seem to understand what you were talking about.  She understood in a general way by saying things like betrayal and lost.  When I explained how I was soon going to cut off contact with my family she had no input or thoughts about whether that was the right or wrong thing or even validating that was what I felt was necessary.  She was almost too neutral about it all.
12. Did you feel like your concerns were taken seriously and that you were treated with respect.  Unfortunately I had dumped so much out there and we had little time to address things.  I couldn't get a sense about what she thought.  She just had a soft spoken way of saying that it was a lot of trauma and that I had done very well considering all I had been through.  I didn't feel any sense of outrage at my family that other therapists have had when I have described some things.  I know her background in being a victim of physical violence and almost thought that since that was not what I experienced that my issues were not as severe - maybe than other peoples.  I told her I was afraid to ask my dad to roll up a window when I was freezing cold as a child and she said - were you afraid he would hit you.  And I had to quickly say no no that was never the problem.  I was spanked but never physically assaulted out of the blue.  I was just screamed at. 

13. Were you two in general agreement about the problem and your expectations of therapy?  Again, she emphasized CBT and DBT.  I have previously had two therapists that do not think that CBT is the way to go with me.  One therapist simply doesn't like it at all.  Another therapist said that for someone like me who is very articulate, intelligent and logical it might not work.  Thinking isn't really my problem.  Feeling is.

14.  Were you satisfied with the therapists answers to your questions.  Yes.  She said we would focus on both the past and the present.  She said she would use aspects of those two main therapies CBT and DBT.  She said I would be the one directing the session.  She said I could contact her between sessions.

15. Do you feel like you could grow to trust and work with this person?  I am not sure.  I really wanted to like her because she is a survivor of trauma and I thought she would be the one to most understand what I had gone through.  I just didn't like her steadfast belief that DBT and CBT saved her life.  My perceptions of DBT are that it is for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and suicidal, self harming people and that CBT isn't going to work with someone like me who already thinks well and intelligently and logically.  I don't think my thinking is the real problem.  I think my problem arises from feelings. The thought of having to focus on my thinking to solve the feeling seems counterintuitive to me.  She gave me a worksheet and it felt almost kindergarten level.  I have been an attorney for years and know how to validate someone and see things from the others point of view and it just felt way too basic for me.  I don't think my depression is a result of faulty thinking.  I think my depression stems from not recognizing my true feelings about situations.  My thoughts were very rational.  I just never trusted my gut feelings.

hey, jd,

first, i give you so much credit for this whole interview process you've chosen.  i think it's great!   good for you for taking the power into your own hands with this. 

second, i admire how much you know about yourself regarding you and the therapeutic dynamic.  i agree with you that cbt is not always the greatest fit for trauma/healing therapy. 

just a note on communication between sessions - some therapists won't use cell phones because they aren't secure, thus confidentiality could be compromised.    same with emails and skype.    i didn't have any of those options when i was working, so communication between sessions just wasn't an option, and i never gave my phone number out to clients.  that was pretty routine practice back then.   how things have changed. 

i'm not surprised you had a little bit of a rough time between interviews.  you're bringing up stuff to strangers without the ability to process much of it.  just remember it's only your brain reacting to something new in the only way it knows how right now.  i believe that will change.

i give you a lot of credit, also, for being willing to take a chance and get back into therapy.  very courageous, and it shows a lot of persistence and determination to tackle this beast of c-ptsd.  i have no doubt you'll get to where you're wanting to go.  it may be rough at times, bumpy, messy, but you will continue to learn and allow your brain to change and heal.  all my best to you, jd.   big hug!

Therapist 4
1. I felt safe and reasonably comfortable.  Yes.  She has a calm manner.
2. I felt understood and taken seriously.  Yes.  I told her about the major traumas and she seemed to agree there was significant trauma/loss in my life.
3. I was treated respectfully. Yes.
4. We agreed about the nature of the problem.  Yes she agreed I have complex trauma
5. This feels like it could be a good "match."  Yes.  She is from the New England area of the country and this is where most of my roots are so we had that commonality.  I liked that she was older.  She is 63, 11 years older than me.
6.  My questions were answered adequately.  Yes.  She said that I could call her in the middle of the night if I needed to that if I had a problem I could text or call.  She said she does Cognitive Processing Therapy quite a bit - that she likes the written aspect of it.  She said she has had therapy herself and that she did have some adversity in her life.  She said she meets with a group of therapists where she could discuss if she had a difficult case.  She said the therapist relationship was the most important.  She has had experience working with those who have suffered from narcissistic abuse.
7.  My treatment goals were addressed.  Yes.  First she wants me to have a consult with a psychiatrist to get a second opinion on my meds and talk about TMS - she seemed concerned about needing 100 mg of seroquel and a xanax to s.  Second she wants me to quit the volunteer work because it was causing me distress.  Third I need to get engaged in new volunteer work.  Fourth I need to decide what to do about pursuing the medical coding career.  We will go into this on the next session.  She wants to establish our relationship first before delving into the trauma. 
8.  She is clinically qualified.  She was a OB/GYN who choose to pursue psychotherapy as a second career.  She has over 10 years experience in therapy.  She works at the VA during the week with PTSD and veterans.
9.  I can afford and and she offers weekend appointments making it quite easy to get there.
10.Did you feel comfortable and able to begin discussing your problems.  yes.  We talked about my 14 year old self and the series of rejections I experienced and how that affected my self-esteem.
11.  Did the therapist seem to understand what you were talking about?  Yes most definitely; she immediately picked up on my feeling of being "invisible" in my family and other situations.
12. Did you feel your concerns were taken seriously and that you were treated with respect.  Yes most definitely.  She smiled at a couple of things that made me have a warm feeling about her.
13. Were you satisfied with the therapist answers to your questions.  Yes.  She answered everything clearly.  She said she was more directive and I liked that because I feel I need that right now in my life since I am suffering from uncertainty in so many areas.  I need advice on how to tackle some major life issues.  She said she only focuses on the past to the extent that the past hasn't been processed yet.
14.  Did you feel that you could grow to trust and work with this person.  Yes.  She seems like a perfect fit and I told her that I chose her out of the four therapists I have interviewed.
14.

Hi JdCooper,
So glad to see that you've chosen your therapist, and I really admire your process of interviewing them all and deciding - really having an informed decision, and I would like to wish you well with your therapy with this person.
Hope to hear how you get on.
Wishing you well for positive outcomes and progress.
Hope  :)

hey, jd,

so happy you found a fit.  from what you wrote, i have to admit i agree with you.  she sounds informed, concerned, caring, and willing to show some emotion to what you're saying.  i also like the fact that she has some medical background - there are so often physical ailments that go along with this.  and i'm glad she wants to review the meds you're on.  i think that's a very positive attitude to have. 

so, forward it is.  if you care to share any of how it goes with her, that would be great.  if not, that's ok, too.  i think you did a great job, jd.  well done!   big hug!!!

You are an inspiration, JD.  Wishing you all the best.