ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[sanmagic7]

ditto, darlin'.  thanks.

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, sweet sceal, thanks for all the cheering.  a big smile is on my face right now.  i'm lovin' it.

don't want to say too much about it but i think the fling with 'the mr.' (as sceal so delightfully calls him) may have run its course.  i was hoping for a fun, flirty fling between 2 lonely people with flaws and baggage for a few weeks, but it seems that he may have much more going on than i realized.

my d called him a 'person project'.  it would take a lot of work and energy to turn this around, and i don't know that i want to invest that much.   at least i got a couple of weeks of it, but some confusing stuff, push/pull stuff kept growing.  i'm mourning it as we speak. 

i did reach out to talk about what happened last nite, he'd have none of it.  not too much can be resolved when one person isn't speaking.  ah well.  too damaged, i'd guess.  don't know that anything's going to change in the next few days.  if not, i'll put it in the column marked 'experience' and let it die its own death.

i'm tired today from thinking about it, and from doing some financial stuff.  just gotta focus on moving now.  packing and cleaning at the end of next month.  it's been very nice with the ll gone - she'll be back wed.  i'll just enjoy until then.

around the next corner, indeed.  never know what will be found.

[Deep Blue]

An autism advocate, Temple Grandin, always talks about doors being opportunities.  She said she looks at each door as being an opportunity for her.  Some opportunities end up great, some don't.  The important thing is to just keep walking through them.  You are doing just that San!  Around the next corner there may some really great opportunities.  The Mr may just not be ready to follow around that corner yet. 
Much love and compassion for you San
filled with it.

[sanmagic7]

deep blue, how lovely of you to say that.

and, yes, i'll keep going thru those doors.  as much as it may suck on the other side, i do believe it's worth it to take the shot.  can't do anything about it if i don't even look to see what it might be.  thanks, sweetie.  hugs back to you.

[sanmagic7]

it's 3 days since the incident, which also involved my other housemate - he isn't speaking to either of us, actually said aloud when we were both present that he wanted no interaction with either of us - and the tension is rising in the house because of it.  i'm feeling a lot of pressure today.

i've run thru a gamut of emotions, the first being hurt that he would scream about me negatively, the second being very sad and grieving yesterday (that was a first - i'd never cried about being dumped by anyone in the past - and today i finally reached anger.

i'm so mad that he would turn on me like that, not want to discuss it, make it uncomfortable (again) for me to live here, and hurt me in the process. rat batard!!!  i only have a month left to live here, which i keep attempting to push to the front of my mind, but this absolutely sucks.  i did nothing that i know of to warrant this kind of behavior toward me - i checked with the other woman, she said i did absolutely nothing wrong, and even apologized to him for something she said.

he's having none of it. part of what is distressing about this for me is that he and i went to the food bank together 2x/month - we were supposed to go tomorrow.  that's extra money i'll have to spend on food rather than a doc bill or to move. another part is that i'm packing and he (and his mother suggested this) was to have helped me take the crates downstairs to stack in the garage.  some of them are too heavy for me to truck down what is to me a dangerous flight of 14 or so steps. 

so, i'm writing here, took a walk, bought myself some fruit instead of cookies cuz  the sugar craving was kicking in,and a xanax is calling me.  my heart is still beating quite rapidly with the stress of this.  ugh!  i was looking at what i thought would be a fun, flirty fling for the remaining time i lived here (with who knew what the future might bring) between 2 lonely people, both of whom had issues and baggage.  he once said he might be more wounded than he thought.  i now agree with that assessment.

so, it's over. i won't go thru this again.  i'm going to be happy just to make it thru living here one more month.  i've got to keep my sights on that.  the rest of it will somehow take care of itself, and i have to believe that, focus on it.  i got 2 weeks of what i'd actually wanted from a man, and i shall be satisfied with that.  i don't have that longing anymore, so  i'm grateful for that.  the rest i'll put in the toilet and flush. 

[Deep Blue]

San,
Sorry he turned out to be "crapola" as you say.    I do want to tell you the positives I see you taking here.

Congrats to you for putting yourself out there.  You opened a door that you thought had closed. Sure it didn't work out, but it's great that you revisited a forgotten part of yourself and got a couple good weeks out of it.

Those 2 weeks left may seem like forever but I just want to remind you of what a strong, intelligent, caring person you are.  Your d sees it, and so do we.
So much love and hugs to you San.
- Deep Blue

[SpacePasta]

Hi there, San. I'm new. I've been following you for a bit before I became a member,  and I thought I'd stop by.

I understand how it can be tough. People just push and push and push, and it could be very hard to push back at them.

But I believe in your strength, San. I really do.

[Sceal]

A very  of love to you from me, San.
It's super * of the Mr. to do this. It sounds as if he is acting completly emotional without thinking over the consequences of his actions, and I'm very sorry that he's letting his problems affect you and the other tenants.

It is as you say a month left. It's 4 weeks, and this week is soon over. Then it will be 3 weeks. And I'll be here with you during these weeks, cheering for you. Holding your hand when you need one, giving you a even bigger hug when that's needed. Or distract you with stories of other countries and cultures and worlds.

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for your support.  more later.

i just need to let this out about confronting the emdr community.  i took it on and i'll see it thru, but i realized that the question about 'details' from people re: being traumatized in session, and isn't what they've experienced perhaps 'very distressing' instead?  triggered me big time.

i don't doubt i've shared already back during the days of my working w/ adol. girls in a day treatment program.  it was housed with a residential program, which had 4 other therapists, and my supervisor.  one day, when i was still pretty new, but my sup. was already familiar with how i worked, she introduced me to one of the other therapists as 'this is san, our flaky therapist'.

i laughed it off at the time, but it's stuck with me, harrassing my brain and psyche all these years.  i thought that when i actually got a paper published, it would clear/heal that wound, but not really.   this therapist on the emdr list who questioned me triggered that old 'flaky therapist' label big time.  my chest is tight, my heart pounding.

it feels like i once again have to prove to someone that what i say is valid, my perception of the situation is valid and belongs on the same level as the perceptions of colleagues who quote literature and their own experience as being different, therefore, correct.  one t even referred to how well everything works at his 'shop', which brought a bad taste to my mouth.  'shop?'  like where you get your car repaired?

anyway, i just wanted to get this out, leave it here if possible.  it feels like i've been re-traumatized in a way.  going to the porch for the rest of the day, rock, read, play games.  whew!  advocacy can be stressful.  i'll need a day or two to calm down before i go back there and respond.

i did look up the definition of 'trauma' on several different sites.  in general, depending on the vulnerability of the individual, a traumatic experience can be anything that overwhelms and causes mental/emot. pain and/or impedes the ability to cope.  i guess that 'flaky therapist' comment was indeed traumatic to me, as more than 20 yrs. later it still upsets me to this extent.   i will include the definition when i respond to that t on the list.  people there may not really know what can be traumatic as compared to 'very distressing'.

hugs and love to you all.

[Blueberry]

hugs back to you san! Being an advocate for others is not easy, as I have discovered in the past.

That was very unprofessional of your supervisor. I'm really sorry it happened and that this memory has been re-triggered. 

[Hope67]

Love and hugs to you, SanMagic 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Sending lots of love your way dear. This is a huge thing to take on, but you are doing it so well. I am glad to know you are taking time for self care

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

deep blue, space pasta, sceal, el, blueberry, hope - you're all so valuable to me.   your support, caring, kindness have gone such a long way toward helping me feel stronger, more human, and ready to take on whatever's around the next corner.  i can't thank you enough, can't express enough gratitude for the beauty you show me. 

i'm still resting, taking a bit more time before i go back to the emdr forum.  it's still too much for me right now.  that triggering question brought back all those old feelings, only they were valid for the present as well.  it wasn't as if i could say 'well, that happened in the past, i'm here now, it's over, i'm safe.' 

this is a formidable group of therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, many of whom are involved in the emdr community at very top levels around the world - trainers, presenters at the emdr conferences, authors, researchers.  and i'm a lowly therapist who was trained over 20 yrs. ago.  even their training methods are different now.

i can't quote research, authors, haven't been involved in conferences for a long time, and a lot of them know each other personally.  i remember disagreeing with a presenter once according to my own experience, and was pretty much ignored.  however, one therapist in the audience heard me and told me she agreed with what i said.  there were about 100 people in the room.

that's always been my odds when i do these kinds of things.  overwhelming.  so, my past becomes my present yet again.  triggered to the hilt, anxious and scared as to what kind of feedback i might get.  i know that when i get around to posting there, i will have gone over and edited and re-edited a million times before i hit 'send', and then i'll be anxious and worried until i hear something.

whether that something will be neg. or pos. i don't know.  what i do know is that i will come back here and find you all and i will be safe once more.  you are the friends and family i never had.  here is my safe place.