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For me, it was kind of refreshing to read from a therapeutic point of view that the things I went through really were abusive

That's an excellent point and absolutely reframes my perception of this test.

"Your father can't give you something that he doesn't possess himself" my therapist told me, ending a discussion with yet another too perfect canned one liner.

This occurred about a year ago, about two months after my decision to pursue therapy and a diagnosis because my instabilities caused me to abuse somebody other than myself. One of the first things I did after a few therapy sessions, and a diagnosis stemming from childhood trauma, was work up an ultimatum to never attend a family function at which my mother was attending (read: all of them). I, for some reason, decided it was appropriate to text this ultimatum to my father.

My father and I had been through it all. The death of my first mother by mental illness, the physical abuse of my second mother and her kids, and the absolute sinister metamorphosis of my third mother's BPD. Naturally, as my primary parent through my entire life, our bond was already pretty strong, but dealing with trauma and abuse together honed it into a relationship held only by people who have survived conflict together. After particularly difficult nights, he and I would meet upstairs and talk about how hurt we were. We'd discuss how we would always be together, and most importantly, my father would earnestly ask me if he should leave his borderline wife. These discussions, perhaps inappropriate for a 14-15 year old, were some of the most important moments of my childhood. They taught me emotional intelligence, and how to talk about mental illness. The most important thing was that my father and I would get through it together - I would understand why, through guilt, he stayed with his abuser, and I would support his decision. Nobody understood (and forgave) mental illness, or my problems like my father.

The conversations post text were extremely difficult. Depending on the tone of the last conversation, my father would be repentant, would gaslight me: "well have you thought about what this means for me," or he would flat out attack me/play the victim. He tried everything he could to break my resolve on the issue: calling me selfish, telling me that it was worse for him, telling me that I'd never be happy if I couldn't forgive, and (my personal favorite) Telling me that I was making it up. The man had stockholm syndrome, clearly.

Naturally this led to conversations with my therapist. Among the things we had to discuss were that my father was right that I had experienced abuse/trauma from other people besides my third mother. My therapist explained, using Erikson's theory of Psychosocial Development  (https://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html), that trauma experienced at younger ages, even before you can remember them, can and do have adverse effects on your coping mechanisms and stability. He also pointed out another source of trauma that I'd been interacting with my entire life that I'd been ignoring: neglect, anger, self-victimization, and alcoholism - my father, broken and boundlessly guilty, was not the paragon of strength and understanding that I had taken him for, and that he, already mentally broken, had dealt with the exact same trauma that I had, but had never escaped it.

Approaching him with the knowledge that he was deeply flawed himself gave me the resolve needed to weather his gaslighting and emotional abuse. I put my foot down a few times and made it clear to him that I was willing to remove him from my life as well if it meant I could be happy. That being said, there isn't some beautiful conclusion here. The victim act and spite continued, though mostly abated, until he milked a compromise out of me suggesting that I try to reconnect with my mother after I finish classes and therefore have more time.

Is there a specific point to this other than spinning an anecdote? Not really but I had never really had the chance to discuss this with anybody besides my partner and my therapist.

I received a 7, which I understand is supposed to be quite high. I attribute most of my trauma and unhelpful traits to my 3rd mother who was around from about 9 years old to present, but many of the extra points on the ACE scale came from the previous two mothers, and from my father as well.

I don't know how I feel about this scale. I know I have CPTSD with borderline traits, and I know I had 18 years of four different parental figures dealing trauma to me at different stages of psychosocial development, which is why the score is so high, but it doesn't feel like I suffer from my instabilities proportionally worse than a 4 on the scale would.

I've found that carving out time to rest/relax/recharge is an absolute must for me. It sounds like you are really busy but could you make an appointment with yourself once a day for something that is just for you, whatever that may be?

Monday through Friday I have about an hour per day, but that hour includes dinner, showering, making sure I'm ready for the next day, and engaging with my partner whom I love very much, but have little emotional energy to give these days. I thankfully have weekends, but I find that they just aren't enough for the amount of care I need daily after 2 years of this and that I still can't leave them totally open and relaxed without feeling anxiety.

I've started up weekly therapy again with the inhouse and very talented therapist here at work, but his visits can sometime make me feel even more out of control as he challenges me to face my own actions and perceptions to get through the last four months of my school. My partner herself is very (heroically, selflessly, incredibly) understanding an helpful, but the strain on my own emotions: the flattening, the anxiety, the dissociation, creates ever evolving challenges for my relationship of 3 years.

I'm doing better this week - in control, but really distant and introspective. Oddly, I'm having this extremely visceral fantasy about disappearing to the pacific northwest to live humbly among the trees and rocks today, and it almost takes my breath away every time I think of it. I'm toying with the idea of a "gap year" job to work in the wilderness for a few months for the summer. That was an interesting conversation with my partner.

Hi; first time posting here. Let's see: I'm 25, male, diagnosed with PTSD last year, found C-PTSD diagnosis shortly after that.

I am just overwhelmed. I have no control over my emotions this week: Monday I disconnected and skipped school and work, yesterday I was just angry all day, and today I'm feeling...wired - shaky, perhaps,. I used to have a better handle on things, back when I wasn't a full time student and maintenance technician, and when I didn't live with a partner. There isn't any specific trigger this week except usual things - made some mistakes with money, no time to focus on myself, denying myself comfort meals for the sake of health - and there isn't really a solution right now. All I can do is grit my teeth and get through another endless week of rolling the boulder up the hill.

I guess I just wanted to talk to a new outlet and hear somebody remind me that I'm normal and the world isn't about to collapse upon me.