New here and very weary

[daisyhope]

Hello! I have been on this forum for about a month...I haven't posted anything yet...just been gleaning from all of you. Just knowing  I am not alone has been a big help. So thank you.

Me in a nutshell...I am 42 and a stay at home mama to 4 kids. Been married for19 years. I have been a mess for as long as I can remember. Grew up in an abusive home. It was my dad. My mom did the best she could but was not very "present". I am still being treated very poorly by my dad. It hasn't ever really stopped. There are a number of other stories that have just accumulated over the years. Angry/ bully long term ex-boyfriend, sexual assault and more. I seem to attract people who need someone to walk all over. I am just facing all of this for the first time really and it is so painful. I want to quit digging in...but the way I have been living is no good either. I feel so stuck.

Just last night, my husband and I were watching a show and a John Denver song played during the credits...I had such a huge emotional flashback reaction to it...sad, dark, scared...and I started weeping and shaking. I have blocked something out that that song is associated with. I am just starting to come to terms with how scared I was as a kid/teenager. How scared I still am now.

Lately my husband has been having to deal with 2 coworkers who are just rude and nasty. I am in shock at the level of disrespect and nastiness coming out of these men...some has even been thrown at me.  It is bringing up all manner of stuff inside me. I am just so weary of the hurt. I am weary of how people feel it is ok to treat others like they do. Actually...I have been struggling a lot with that one. I have really been struggling with how people hurt others and don't think twice about it. I try and talk myself down...things like reminding myself that I can be judgmental too...I certainly am not perfect...or maybe they are going through something hard and just taking it out on others...but none of that is helping right now.  I am tired of giving others the benefit of the doubt when they choose to just keep hurting people. I did it with my dad for many years. I am so weary of my entire life being consumed with abusive people.  I just feel like I am so ill equipped to deal with life sometimes because I have only ever been in survival mode. I am constantly in a state of hypervigilence... depressed and on top of it dealing with 17 years of chronic physical pain.

I just want to run away from life sometimes...but I know that wherever I go...I have to bring myself along...running doesn't make my inner stuff go away. It doesn't take chronic pain away. I guess sometimes I'd just like to catch a break....breathe a little...have one thing be a little easy. But it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me.

Anyway...sorry this got so long...I hope I didn't post anything offensive...I am sorry if I did. I just want to thank you all again for the help I've gotten already just from reading your posts.

[LittleBird]

Hi! Well done for making your first post.

It sounds like there's a lot going on at the moment. I just wanted to encourage you to keep talking if it helps. Are you able to share what you feel from these emotional flashbacks with your husband?

[Three Roses]

Welcome to the group. I'm glad you found us, I hope you continue to reach out so that we can support you as you learn about CPTSD. Thanks for joining! 

[Kat]

Hey there, daisyhope!  You've certainly got a lot on your plate.  I'm with you on being weary of the nasty ways we humans treat each other.  It's more than disappointing.  It seems to me it's all a lot of fear.  We all just want to be loved, but we're so fearful of being rejected that we put up all of these defenses that simply push others away.  Anyway...

I'm glad you posted. I look forward to more posts.

[Libby12]

Hello daisyhope.

I understand so well the weariness and hopelessness and helplessness that you are experiencing.  I feel just the same, so tired of the years and years of pain, and the feeling of life being so difficult,  especially when people treat each other so badly. 

I am reading the often recommended book by Pete Walker and it is excellent.  I can relate to it all.  It explains everything you talk about in your post -you may well have read it.  I am at the stage of thinking how do I move from this understanding to actually healing.  It seems almost impossible at the moment but I have made small changes like breathing deeply,  challenging inner and outer critics  and recognising emotional flashbacks.   It is helping.

Like you I have always been a stay at home mum to three children (grown-up now).   

I really hope you find some healing and look forward to hearing from you again.

Best wishes

Libby.

[daisyhope]

Thank you all for your warm welcome! It is so good to know I am not alone...I am grateful to have found a safe place of understanding help...it's not easy to find.

My husband is helping the best he can...it is so new for the both of us...he is learning with me. So I am grateful for that.