Five years out of the storm, still in the fog

[Overcaffeinated]

Hi all. So I left my NPD abuser five years ago. We had been together ten years, married for nine, with two kids who are currently in my full custody. In the years after I left, I was diagnosed with CPTSD by a psychologist whom I saw for about four years (recently stopped because I was doing very well at the time and would like to continue but new health insurance has made it impossible to afford). I remarried a very kind and supportive man who is infinitely patient as I've worked towards recovery. I also got a new job that I love (despite it being very stressful most of the time).

I thought I was doing better, but in recent months I've been noticing some reemerging symptoms that have caused me some concern. I do not trust people as I used to, keeping them at arm's length, and severely limiting my ability to form warm friendships. Everyone is a potential threat to me, so I just don't get too close. I experience terrible bouts of depression. I often have crying fits. I've had five full-on panic attacks since November of last year. I've been sober for 2.5 years but lately have been experiencing cravings for alcohol like I've never had before.

I no longer do any of the things that I used to love doing, except reading - and even then, I have to be careful what I read. Anything that gets too existential or nihilistic can send me spiraling.

Anyway I found this site and decided that maybe it's time to ask for some support. My CPTSD is technically adult-onset but my mother likely has borderline personality disorder and I have only in the last couple of years really begun dealing with the effects of that. I am not in contact with my parents or brother because of it.

I guess it's a weird place to be: I feel like things are going well. I am successful in my job and I'm in a great marriage and my children are healthy, strong, smart, and kind. But I still feel like I will never actually be happy and relaxed; like maybe that is just not in the cards for me, and I just have to accept that.

So yeah, here hoping I can find a little help and offer some in return. I'm glad you guys are here.

[Libby12]

Hi overcaffeinated.

I can really relate to your story.   It is so odd to think,  yes, I have a good life, good marriage,  lovely children,  but still not feel happy and complete.

You say that you are starting to look at your relationship with your mother,  whilst feeling depressed and unable to trust.   It does sound as if the two things could be linked.  For a long time I put my problems down to coping with three young children,  including twins with disabilities.   But even when this all improved,  I didn't and that's when I started to see all the damage my relationship with my nm had done to me. I am very new to c-ptsd but it always seems to be about layers of trauma, piling up until you can no longer function.  That was certainly the case for me.

I am in awe of the way you and others here manage to work and I hope everyone here can help you through this next part of your healing.

Best wishes,

Libby

[Candid]

I'm glad you're here, Overcaffeinated.  It means you haven't given up on having the "happy and relaxed" state you want. All those good aspects of your life, especially the support of your lovely husband, leave you free to reconsider your life in a way you couldn't do when all your energy went into mere getting-through. I know the kind of deafening silence that sets in after NC with FOO members or the ending of abusive adult relationships. There's repair work to be done and it isn't avoidable -- especially if some of our coping mechanisms are harmful.

Not knowing they are allergic to caffeine, caffeine allergic individuals are ingesting caffeine. Their organs, including their brains, are deteriorating, and physicians, including psychiatrists, are diagnosing and treating caffeine allergic patients for ADHD, anxiety, panic, OCD, bipolar disorder, depression, schizophrenia, TMJD, hyperglycemia, PMS, and other preventable conditions (3-5).

https://www.goodtherapy.com.au/flex/can-caffeine-damage-physical-and-mental-health/565/1

Just something to consider.

There's a lot of hope for a better future. Things are already much better than they were, and that's your own achievement. Rest, recuperate, and honour yourself for having got this far and done so well. And stay with us! Things get a lot better in stages as we learn and grow.

[Kizzie]

Welcome Overcaffeinated!     I agree with Libby.  It may be that now you are not focused on your NPD partner and all else is stable, the trauma from your FOO/ BPDM is starting to surface. 

And who knew about people having an actual allergy to caffeine?     Given your choice of forum names, it might be something to consider at least 

[Overcaffeinated]

Allergy to caffeine is almost something I can't deal with right now but I guess I shouldn't rule it out. I am severely sleep deprived. I don't have trouble sleeping per se but as a full-time employee and mother of two I often have a hard time getting to bed at a reasonable hour. So I'm just constantly operating under a massive sleep debt. I honestly can't imagine giving up coffee, although I only have 1-2 cups a day. Sigh. I guess it's something I should look into.



The issue with BPDM has been around for a couple of years actually. I realized that after learning about NPD and other related PDs from breaking off with my abuser, I can't exactly go on continuing to ignore the same type of behavior from other people. I went NC with my FOO just under a year ago and I have been less stressed (believe it or not!) since then. But my brother keeps inventing new online personas to contact me via Facebook, instagram, email, etc to tell me all about how BPDM is "literally dying" and if she dies it will be my fault and how they're talking to lawyers to try and sue me for custody of the kids and how he had to give up his entire life to move back in with our parents and "take care of her". My dad is an extreme enabler, just like I was with my abuser.

I've been working through a lot of anger about it. Lately the anger has been that because they never allowed me to have any degree of autonomy or independence (these were acts of selfishness), I feel like I've wasted most of my life so far trying to adhere to their wishes, or my abuser's wishes, so the whole idea of having my own desires is still foreign and scary to me.

And yes, the deafening silence. One thing I definitely didn't do was build a support group to replace my FOO. I have a couple of friends but they have their own problems and I always feel like a burden to them when I start to talk about my stuff. Basically, I feel like I always have to be something to everybody, like I have a different personality for each person in my life that I need to maintain so they'll still want me around. If I break that shell, I risk losing them, in my own twisted thought process.

[Candid]

Hi again, Overcaffeinated. Whew, I'm not surprised you've been less stressed since the whole-FOO cut-off!! Brother sounds like he has some species of PD, too. Would it be better not to open any cyber-messages from names you don't recognise? When hostile FOO members are foaming at the mouth like this the only thing to do is cut off their means of getting to you. I know little about Facebook and less about Instagram, but I'm wondering whether you can contact admin and get your brother banned by IP address. Apart from that, wall of silence and refusal to engage. They clearly won't be able to get you for matricide or take your children, but you don't need the stress.

I've wasted most of my life so far trying to adhere to their wishes, or my abuser's wishes, so the whole idea of having my own desires is still foreign and scary to me.

I feel like I always have to be something to everybody, like I have a different personality for each person in my life that I need to maintain so they'll still want me around. If I break that shell, I risk losing them, in my own twisted thought process.

I'm only too familiar with all this. Physical contact with my FOO ended nearly five years ago, but like you I have a cyberstalking sibling who now sends her rants to anyone who might know me, including my most recent T. We know we live in their heads but we can at least boot them out of ours. Then it's our task to deal with the emotional/psychological ramifications.

Loss of a sense of self, or no idea of self from the start, is a biggie. You describe your husband as "a very kind and supportive man who is infinitely patient as I've worked towards recovery" and that's great -- but it implies there's an imbalance and he's propping you up. This is one side to the story: you're also a good wife to him and a mother to your children, all of whom love you and depend on you in their own ways.

We find ourselves in other people. With good-enough original caregivers, we have a positive identity by the time we start school, and that forms the basis for our lives. There's plenty of sound and respected psychological literature about mothers mirroring, encouraging, cooing over and delighting in their infants, all of which gives baby a great start in life. Since the Fifties there's also been plenty written about when this goes awry, and its effects on personal development. In a word, stunted.

We can never make up for what mother did or didn't do, but we can still find ourselves reflected in other people. IME other women are the best for this. My husband (and probably yours) is not good at answering What do you love about me? "Cute", "Funny" and "Daft as a brush" are hardly qualities I can put on my CV. My bestie, however, piles it on in spades -- occasionally in words, but far more often in smiling, laughing, and the sparkle in her eyes, IOW what I see reflected back at me. I know she would recoil in horror if I told her she's doing what my mother didn't do, but oddly enough when I'm with her I never think about my mother's frowning, thin-lipped and martyred face, nor the total damning of my personality in her spoken words.

It's so important, who we spend our time with and who we think about most, especially when our sense of self is not strong.

Also, at risk of looking like a hypocrite, I've had three or four cups of the bad-bad this morning and I know I have caffeine allergy. I was merely offering information.