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I can totally relate. If you need someone to talk to, Id be happy to listen.

I've gone from cutting to other forms of self harm. I know it always comes from being triggered.  Maybe examining what has happened this week that set you off to self harm will help... what were the feelings behind it, etc.?

I understand how you feel, and again I'll listen without judgement if it helps. I totally get it,  I struggle too. You're not alone

Of course.

You are worthy of healthy human connection. Keep trying, remember to be kind to yourself. You will get there with the right attitude, I promise. Just always try. You're worth more than you know and you are worthy of healthy love and the world needs you. You got this! Good luck

Very good question.

Cptsd is constant suffering.  Between triggering, hyperarousal, hypervigilence, despair, anger, negativity, isolation, alientation, and exhaustion, there is little room for peace. I'm blessed beyond my ability to fully comprehend, to be in a serious relationship with a truly wonderful man who is restoring my faith in men and in people in general. I'm with a man I know I can trust. I am incredibly lucky. I'll elaborate...

I know at my core I am a very challenging person because of cptsd.  It's made me a particular way. I trust no one. I hate people.   But I dont want to be that way.  So I'm trying to be different, not just for me, but for the very very few people I really do love.

Just always be yourself.  You are who you are. You're a work in progress.  All you can ever be expected to do is to be yourself and keep trying.

Communicate honestly about yourself and your feelings about things. Communicate to create understanding, so that people know where you're coming from. Strive for clarity.  These are necessities and you cannot get anywhere with anyone until you constantly strive for those.  Make it a priority to you. You're important. How you feel and who you are is important.

Triggering makes everything 100x harder.  The danger is no longer present, but your mind is now trained to see it everywhere. It's illogical and counterproductive. For instance, a person knows logically as an adult that they will never again be 5 years old and being molested by someone they trusted.  This situation just cannot repeat itself in its purest form because the situation has changed.  But something happens and boom, you're back feeling like that little girl, etc. And that's a really confusing thing. It's hard to understand it yourself much less help someone else understand.  But it's all you can do, is to try.  It's important to be honest about your feelings and the fact that you've been through some horrible things that challenge you on a daily basis. Cptsd is a monster.

I think the lack of trust is a symptom of why we isolate as cptsd sufferers. We are afraid of people seeing our pain. Or being unable to hide it, or fear that people wont understand you, or you fear they may think you're crazy.  Work on getting past it. Work hard. Remind yourself not to care what people think about you. You have been through things traumatic enough to harm your ability to trust, and that's just what the deal is.  Don't feel bad or ashamed about something you had no control over.

I wish someone would have told me a long time ago: "you don't have to feel good for the benefit of others". You are entitled to every feeling you have and the first positive sign as far as relationships go is finding someone who RESPECTS and acknowledges your feelings.  You have every right to feel how you do about any and everything. I truly believe that feelings communicate ideas and beliefs to us... they help us examine things. It's painful a lot of the time. Accept your feelings and seek to understand the deeper meaning behind them... there's room for growth behind any bad feeling or thought.

The only thing I did different in this relationship as opposed to the others is that, when i was sure i was dealing with a reasonable man who was interested in my life, I was 100% unapologetically honest about myself. Not all at once of course. But I did it at a pace that felt right to me.

It started as a long distance relationship, and it helped me to communicate either by writing or by phone. I felt more in control those ways than if it had been face to face. I think feeling a sense of personal control is important to cptsd sufferers. Getting to leave a situation when it's getting to be too much, it's easier to hang up a phone than leave a restaurant.

I tried to be completely self reliant because of trust issues and I still really struggle with it. I thought it was important to be that way. 100% of the time.  Emotionally, mentally, physically, relationally.  I thought it felt better and safer to rely only on myself and it was, because I didn't have to risk trusting anyone. I learned early, of all the people in the world, I was the only one I could rely on and trust.  But people are social beings.  We aren't meant to be always alone.  Even the biggest introvert needs a sense of connection and belonging to another person. It's a hard wired need that I fought.  I never let anyone too close to me.  I still fight myself to allow myself trusting  engagement with others. It's hard and I don't always do a great job but I'm trying and thats what matters.

Trust takes time. Healing takes time.  But you can't get there until you are willing to try.  You're gonna get hurt, dont be afraid to hurt sometimes.  You're going to grow and get better for it.  Examine your thoughts and feelings.  Stick with the truth always.  Communicate to create understanding.  You'll be just fine, you will end up where you're meant to be, not just for yourself but for other people too.

And I literally can never write a short reply. Hahaha... sheesh.  Reply? I think not. I'll write a chapter lol.

Thank you. And that link was great i appreciate that.

Hello! Thank you I'll check that out now!

I love the man I'm with very much. He tries his hardest to prove he loves me too, but I'm sure as I've ever been that I ruined everything.

While at a viewing for his uncle who passed, his sister was obviously making it a point to ignore him. I asked him what her problem was, he didn't know, so I suggested it was because he spent her birthday weekend out of town with me. Mind you, we are all adults and he did call and text her on her birthday.

Hypervigilence helps me pick things up quicker than most, I'm sure most of you feel the same about it.  So I made an effort to reach out to her right then, I said hey happy belated birthday, and tried to talk to her a few small times which is out of my character. She blew me off.

Then his brothers gf made it a point that he didn't show up for the birthday and they kind of threw an x symbol toward him and just made him seem like he was a jerk for not being there.

This triggered me immediately, as he has expressed before to me that he feels like he is ignoring his family to spend time with my daughter and I.  I never ASK him to come, he just does and its become standard that he drives out to see us.

Anyway, I immediately felt so much anger and rage I could barely contain myself.  I said a lot of hurtful things to him when we left the building.  The worst you could imagine, well multiply that by 100 and that's about what it was.

What pissed me off I think is the feeling of being completely defenseless and uncared for. Its just a pervasive feeling that has always been there and gets provoked which in turn makes me very defensive. Then feeling faulted as though I've kept him from his own family which I haven't. Then him defending his adult sister to me as though my feelings were not as important as something throwing a passive aggressive tantrum.  It's obvious this passive aggression sulking thing has worked most her life.

I'm angry because i never had a voice and if something hurt me I didn't have anyone to give a *. Her birthday was missing her brother, but she was treated and taken out to dinner which her parents paid for.  I was lucky to have my mom even call me on my birthday and wish me a happy one.  Besides my boyfriend, no one else reached out or wished me one or anything.

I'm confused because I feel like I have every right to be angry.  But I feel my anger is misdirected and disproportionate to the situation. I was absurdly unkind to my boyfriend.  I feel bad, and he's at the funeral now with his family.  I dont want to excuse my behavior, but I don't know how to explain it. I've told him more about my life than anyone in this entire world,  and although he is a patient, considerate and understanding man, i dont feel I deserve him because I can be so unkind and venomous.

How do you guys cope with these situations?  It makes me feel hopeless and like I will never be able to be normal or have healthy happy relationships because I unconsciously do all I can to sabotage and ruin things. Help please