hello.....first and last LONG post ( possible T.W.)

numann · May 06, 2018, 03:53:43 PM

Hello to everyone. I am a middle aged divorced (married for 14 yrs, divorced since 2002) father of two grown mid 20's children, a daughter and a son. I also have a 3 yr old grandson. I have 2 siblings, a brother and sister, who are 3 and 6 years younger than me, respectively. My M and F are both deceased (2001, 2013).
I've suffered from some form of depression since I was ten years old. In 2008 I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and also g.a.d.. I've also dealt with bouts of severe insomnia for several years. I have experienced symptoms associated with c-ptsd. I've missed work increasingly over the past few years, withdrawn from all activities, found it hard to even get out of bed at times and basically have been unable to derive any pleasure out of anything. Disturbingly, I've had episodes of s ideation.

My problems originated from the childhood abuse and neglect (emotional, mental and physical) that was systematically inflicted upon me by my M all during my upbringing. Some of these abuses consisted of being told consistently I was evil, hateful, unlovable, ugly and unfavorable comparisons being made between me and my siblings. Once when I was around eleven years old, she told my siblings that one day I would try to kill them and that she hoped they'd kill me first. I would be punished (mostly consisting of beatings) for things I hadn't done, being told my innocence didn't matter. She would call all her relatives and friends to tell them about how horrible I was within earshot of me. And the few times my F got involved he would threaten me with violence, siding with my M's negative viewpoint of me without giving me a chance to speak up and defend myself. I didn't have anyone to confide in and nowhere to go. As a consequence, I developed depression and low self esteem into my early twenties until I decided to make fundamental changes in how I viewed myself and approached life. My life improved dramatically as I began to realize I had as much value and worth as anyone else despite my FOO dysfunction.

A few years later I married a wonderful woman. She seemed to be everything I had been looking for in a companion. I attributed my good fortune to be a result of the changes I had made in myself and assumed she was attracted to all the positive attributes I exhibited. Unfortunately, during the first year of our marriage, my W would constantly lie, be emotionally unavailable, and be physically abusive knowing I wouldn't retaliate. When I would mention the possibility of divorce, she would apologize and promise to stop her dysfunctional behavior, only to resume it later. We separated a couple of times. She did everything in her power to keep me around even though she wasn't emotionally invested in our relationship. After a final physical confrontation initiated by her, I retaliated and realized she would never change and things could get dangerously worse on my part. So I filed for divorce not realizing she was a covert narc.

Since that time, I have experienced the following:
1. Gone through a very nasty separation and divorce punctuated by false allegations of abuse and neglect of my ex W and
children.
2. The premature passing of my M from liver cancer w/ no closure
3. Been defrauded by my sister, with the help of my ex W, of thirty to fifty thousand dollars.
4. Estrangement from my daughter for a year with help from clinicians who were supposed to be helping her with
depression and self harm tendencies.
5. Dealt with harassment from supervisors at my job
6. Financial ruin resulting from a combination of a negative divorce settlement and the aforementioned defrauding.
7. Dealt with a major depressive episode just before my house was destroyed by an electrical fire.
8. A two year legal battle against the contractor who was hired to rebuild my house, the mortgage companies who held the
lien on my property and who refused to release the monies owed me.
9. Being forced to move back in with my father in the house I lived in twenty five years earlier at 48 and losing my previous
house to foreclosure.
10. Being attacked by my teenage son,
11. Getting temporarily paralyzed in a car accident during the incident with my son.
12. Being estranged from my son for three years from parental alienation.
13. Finding my F passed away in his house from an apparent heart attack.
14. Surgery to correct chronic pain that had been misdiagnosed for over ten years
15. Estrangement from my only other sibling (brother) for over 4 yrs and also my
daughter (again) for the past year
16. The realization that during the whole course of my marriage my narc M and narc ex W had colluded to systematically
abuse me.
They used the same techniques (gas lighting, smear campaigning, lying, projection, hoovering, scapegoating etc.) that
had been used on me during my childhood. My ex w used my openness about my abusive upbringing to create
confusion and uncertainty in my mind when I began to object to what I perceived as unacceptable behavior from her.

I've only recently learned about the existence of covert narcs and c-ptsd during the past year and a half. And even though these revelations have provided me with long missing answers they also have made me succeptable to a wide range of emotions. Most notably anger, after realizing how long I had been purposely deceived, hurt and betrayed by those who should've loved me the most. After seriously relasping I'm looking forward to resuming my healing journey and possibly helping others with my humble input. I apologize for the length. There were alot more details but I edited the post as best as I could to shorten it.

P.S, Mothers Day is definately a trigger.

Hope67 · May 06, 2018, 04:49:17 PM

Hi Numann,
I wanted to welcome you here to this forum, and I hope you'll find being here a supportive place. I can see you've been through a LOT - I haven't read your post in full - but the things I read from within it, I could see you've been through so much. I am hoping you'll find this place to be supportive and helpful - I have found it an amazing and very validating place to be.

Welcome.

Hope

woodsgnome · May 06, 2018, 04:56:51 PM

Welcome to a bit of refuge, and here's to your continued recovery here and in as many ways as you can. Setbacks and false turns are always possible, but you've stepped out, unloaded a bit of your story, and I hope it feels like you've left a bit of the burden, although you probably still feel its heavy weight.

That first step is always treacherous, and now it's more unpacking, where self-compassion is key to finding one's way back out of the maze of confusion and grief endured so far. No silver linings; still there's always the possibility of finding that there is indeed a new path once the storms have passed.

Again, welcome to OOTS.

Whobuddy · May 06, 2018, 05:01:56 PM

Welcome and I can relate to some parts of your life story. My abuse/ neglect began in childhood but continued into adulthood with similar treatment from different sources. Now I am trying to figure out the riddle that is my life.

I hope you find this forum to be helpful. It's likely you have noticed that many people don't 'get' us. This is a place where people do. You are not alone.

numann · May 06, 2018, 05:33:29 PM

I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words. Ive lurked the forum for awhile and its amazing and comforting to know that my experiences with cptsd are not isolated . And to know I can share in an environment filled with safety and empathy. The one thing I know is after all my challenges I'm still standing and determined to heal to the best of my abilitiy.

Sceal · May 06, 2018, 08:05:44 PM

Hello!
And welcome to the forum. You've been through some really hard times, there's no doubt. You've had to deal with so much, and I'm sorry you had to go through it all.

numann · May 06, 2018, 08:59:20 PM

Thank you so much. Thats just a small fraction of what I've had to deal with in my life. And I have to literally laugh sometimes because its almost ludicrous when I reflect back on the challenges I've faced. The gifts I've recieved though are the knowledge that we possess a resiliency, strength and insight in human behavior that most people never have to tap into. I just look forward to learning how others in unfortunate circumstances like me, deal with their own unique challenges. And how they are able to leave the pain in the past move forward in their lives.

Seeking Solace · May 06, 2018, 09:08:58 PM

Welcome Numann,

I am new here myself and it sounds like you have been through the ringer... the only thing I can say is your 'family' is where you find it

... it seems like this might be a good place to look. It is a comfort to find a safe place to share feelings and experiences without judgment or criticism... ironically that is what our FOO is supposed to be for, but often is far from it. I hope you find what you need here.

Solace