I don't consider myself an alcoholic, but most would disagree. I feel like I am not addicted, but someitmes I need it to make it through the day. I stopped doing drugs 3 years ago, trying not to go back to that. When I did drugs , I drank less. not really sure which is better. I really do not want to go on prescription meds, but I don't think i can do this sober. I am not in therapy, although I would like to be. Really not much available where I live. I don't want to be high or drunk all the time, but it does seem to help me escape. I really feel lost and hopeless. Not sure where to go from here.
Hi Larry, I too struggle with what to label myself with regards to addictions. I spent years in 12 step programs without it helping because I didn't understand the underlying causes. Starting to understand the causes that made me the way that I am and being able to think before I act because I "get" why I'm reacting a certain way is helping. It's not perfect, but it is improving. I hope you find some peace here.
Larry, what you say resonates with me. As I've learned more about myself and CPTSD, I saw things that I was doing to keep myself numb and away from the feelings inside.
My experience is that we each might find therapeutic value in almost anything. I think that what started to turn my experience was being in a training where we had a small group where we talked about our experiences with the training. Having a dedicated turn and people that listened to me taught me that the stories I've been telling myself and believing were not accurate. I also realized I didn't feel like people listen to me until that time.
For me, practicing yoga, journaling, being outside, and being in this group have helped the most. I also have a few people in my life that understand this journey that I can reach out. As time has gone on, I have grown more aware of when I am doing something to avoid my internal experience.
I think the adjustment for me has been truly listening to myself and honoring what I need as much as I can. Listening to myself has also been painful as a lot of things came (and still come) up. It has taken practice to listen to that past hurt or strong feeling. It has taken practice to stay with the feeling instead of pushing it back down.
I experience pressure of how my life is supposed to look and be. I have tried to be aware of that pressure and still find what works for me even if others judge me.
This is very difficult work. I am glad you are here and hope that you find things that work for you.
Thank you both, I really appreciate your advice. I really need to break this cycle and do the things I enjoy. I always feel guilty when I do fun things, so much to work on.
One of the things that is a struggle for me is that my only "hobby" for a long time was the ways I chose to self-medicate. I am trying to find things to do that engage me instead. Just stopping leaves an empty hole - I need something else and healthy to fill it with. I'm still working on what that is. I hope that you find the help you need, because you are worth it. The addiction eats your soul, and you deserve a life and happiness.
Thank you
Hi Larry,
I feel you, Sir! I have always been addicted to something. For many years I drank every night but didn't call myself an alcoholic. But I always underestimated everything about myself: I always believed my abuse "wasn't that bad" until a therapist proved to me that it was horrible. I believed my drinking "wasn't that big a problem" until my family proved to me that my drinking was becoming a problem for them.
So how do we know when a habit has turned into an addiction? For me, I realized it when I started to live my life around the drinking. I drank alone in the evenings after everything was done. For years it was under control. But then one day I realized that I was starting to schedule my life around the fact that I needed to be done with everything by 5:00 so I could start drinking. That's not something I could call a habit anymore.
What I've learned about addiction is: it isn't so much the alcohol I was addicted to, it was about the dopamine rush alcohol gave me. It lifted my spirits and let me forget the chronic loneliness that filled my body and soul every day. Some experts say that no one is addicted to the alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, porn, shopping, or whatever; they're addicted to the dopamine rush that the alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, porn, shopping or whatever gives them. I certainly felt like that was true for me, which is why every time I'd quit one chemical, I'd quickly find a new replacement.
I started smoking when I was 21. My health suffered so bad that I quit seven years later, but then I started drinking to replace the smoking. My strangest addiction was to buying and selling cars! Before I turned 50, I had already owned over 75 cars. I lost money on every single sale, but buying a new car somehow gave me a dopamine rush that I couldn't get enough of. Also, cars were the only think my shell-shocked father and I had in common when I was a kid--so I couldn't get enough of them. As a man with a bad case of CPTSD, I admit that I still need addiction. Right now it's TV and ice cream. I even find myself scheduling my day around watching TV. Raindiary talks about how she's found constructive things to be addicted to, which I think is a fantastic idea! I'm going to think about doing that myself. I think I'll start looking for something positive that can help me raise my dopamine levels every day.
Larry!
A quick note about getting Therapist.
I live in a large city, so I have no problem finding therapists, but since COVID, even though I live 4 miles from my T, he and I have been meeting over ZOOM for over a year now. It still works. He's still helpful. No matter where you live, perhaps you can find a T who you can meet weekly on ZOOM?
I'm very Pro-Therapist, as long as it's the right therapist! A Therapist who understands CPTSD is a very valuable asset to folks like us. I really encourage anyone with CPTSD to look into finding one. Consider ZOOM. If the first therapist doesn't understand you, fire her/him and look again. I went through 6 T's in the first few years. I found my current T in 1999 and THAT's when my healing began.
Therapists are valuable help. So my advice to anyone with CPTSD is 1) don't underestimate what you've been through, 2) Don't underestimate the value of a good Therapist and 3) don't let geography be a roadblock.
I'm pulling for you!
I appreciate all of you ! I got really drunk again last night, I have decided I need to at least slow down a little. I have been a little messed up from an emotional flashback 3 weeks ago. But I am slowly getting over it and burying my emotions and feelings again. I am going to try to get back into my exercise routine. Seeing some fitness results use to help me avoid drinking.
Hi Larry, I'm pulling for you. I'm fighting my way through a series of problems, at least one of which is an outright addiction, and several more of which are at least unhealthy. I'm dealing with what I can, but from the worst of my issues, I'm seven days sober today. This is after daily avoidance of life using these methods (which never helped, I always felt worse after). This week I had a REALLY bad EF, but managed to get through with without medicating. I credit this space (even though I wasn't on the site much), because it's the first time in at least 35 years of active addiction.
As they say in the rooms, don't give up before the miracle happens!
Dante!
Seven Days! :cheer:
Congratulations! That's no small deal!
I'm pulling for you too!
Quote from: Papa Coco on September 05, 2021, 01:49:14 PM
Dante!
Seven Days! :cheer:
Congratulations! That's no small deal!
I'm pulling for you too!
congrats on 7 days ! and thank you both !
Larry - I too know that feeling of needing to be numb. I never drank alot but when things got to be too much in 2013-2014 I got into heavy drinking and it fast took over.
I'm so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and I hope by talking here you will feel some relief/comfort. That's part of what helped me back then. I also saw an addictions counselor, a T and my doctor started me on a medication that really helped (Celexa). Fortunately none of these people pushed me to stop so much as they encouraged me to talk and feel in small steps so I didn't become overwhelmed. It took time but it has helped.
Dante - That's so wonderful that you have achieved 7 days, especially given it was in the face of a bad EF. :thumbup:
Thank you kizzie, I have been doing much better, I haven't stopped, but not over drinking like I have been. I really appreciate everyone's input !
Keep going, Larry! And with kindness toward any imperfections!
Thank you Armee ! I am really trying to stay positive, But i really need to find a replacement for alcohol. Not sure why, but i feel like i need something to keep me from feeling things i don't want to feel.
You probably do know why, Larry. :hug:
It's difficult to face what you have to face and you are using alcohol to protect yourself or maybe even others. It's not a bad goal, and yet its ultimately harmful to yourself and keeps you from healing. And you deserve to heal.
It's not 100% the same, but there are a few of us who have some self-harm behaviors that are not that different from substance abuse. For me, I attack my face under the guise of grooming but I do it until I have blood pouring down sometimes. I do it when I feel trapped and helpless with no way out. It's like a trance and not intentional. I'm not trying to hurt myself. But I have permanent red scars that I cover heavily with makeup to hide it from myself and my family. I'm too ashamed to tell my therapist or talk about it with anyone. I also fear that if I did I'd be forced to go cold turkey. And that's not an option.
Two things have helped: 1. Working on some of the feelings of being trapped to see I'm not really trapped and i don't need to go into a trance to deal with the issues and 2. Finding a substitute behavior. Once I poured a sweet smelling skin toner on a soft cotton ball to gently wipe away the blood instead of being aggressive with myself. It felt like such a loving action, like what a caring parent would do for their child... a combination of cleaning a wound and wiping away tears. From then on I found I could interrupt the self harm usually by doing that action. Not always and not immediately, but soon enough.
So I think you could be onto something with finding a substitute. One that is warm and loving and soothing. It won't be perfect but it might help.
you have no idea how much this helps, thank you !!
Quote from: Larry on September 12, 2021, 01:14:51 PM
Not sure why, but i feel like i need something to keep me from feeling things i don't want to feel.
Completely understandable. I resist feeling many things. I'm just 'lucky' in that I never got into drugs or alcohol because I was too busy trying to be good as a teen. And even in my 20's, alcohol would make me feel ill. But I do self-harm, have an eating disorder, and sometimes roam around the Internet, read books, curl up in bed etc etc in order not to feel. Reading books isn't destructive per se, but it depends how long you do it for and what else you neglect to do.
I agree with Armee that finding a substitute could be a very good thing. I would also say that it doesn't have to be the perfect solution for now - just something that you can go to instead of alcohol or drugs. Although if it's any of warm, loving, soothing that would be great too.
I'm pulling for you too, Larry. I had to quit drinking in 2014. I used AA and 6 weeks of outpatient rehab to accomplish it.
In researching addictive personalitiies like mine, I've learned to think about how I wasn't addicted to the booze, but to the dopamine rush the booze gave me. The minute I stopped getting my daily dopamine rush from booze, I immediately developed a strong addiction to sugar. For me, a candybar on an empty stomach will actually raise me out of depression and get me high for a few minutes. Now I have that issue, but the health effects of overeating are less severe for my body than those of the alcohol. Quitting booze has fixed my Acid Reflux, and has allowed me to stop waking up at 2 am every morning in a hot sweat as my body was detoxing the liquor every night. So for me, food is better than booze, One step forward, right?
But dang! I'm still in the same boat as you. The sugary food is not great for me either. So now I'm trying to find a productive dopamine-producing activity that will interest me enough to stick with it. My wife, bless her heart, runs for a half hour on the elliptical every day, lifts light weights for a half hour, and eats smaller portions. I admire her so much, but just haven't gotten up the self-control to follow her lead.
So, I guess, know this: I'm in the same boat. I've traded one dopamine inducer for another, and now I need to find a new one again also.
We're in this together! There's strength in numbers, right?
how do i become normal ?? I just can not stop myself from 1. leads to several more. just got home from my local bar, only had 6 vodka drinks and 3 beers. i just feel like i can not do this without something like alcohol or drugs. i do not want to be on prescription meds, but this isn't much better. i really want to find a support group but there is nothing where i live.
It's ok, Larry. Next time, you can think about us here pulling for you, knowing this stands in the way of full recovery, and maybe have 5 and then maybe ponder the 6th and come home and take a warm shower or make a cup of tea brewed with love toward the person who hurts so bad. You'll get there, but only because you want to, not because you shame yourself into it.
We've got your back, sin, sorrow, or success.
ime you will get there even when part of you doesn't want to give up alcohol/drugs. Probably a bit more slowly - I've been at it 20-plus years - but you will get there.
Feelings of shame are old stuff, from the trauma, hard to ditch imo, but not useful or helpful now.
We're here rooting for you. If it helps, :hug:
thank you guys, it is a new day.
Hi Larry. I had a thought this morning and I thought it might be useful to share it with you. Like you, I have struggled with self-medicating through a variety of means. A number of areas where I binge and struggle with healthy balance, and also sometimes self-harm, and a crazy OCD thing where if I do one thing, I feel the need to do them all to "start over" over a twisted need to have a clearly defined sobriety date.
I started attending 12 step meetings about 15 years ago, but never found them helpful. They were too rigid and too legalistic for me, and I always felt that it was "perfection, not progress". I was "fired" by multiple sponsors. I internalized what the Big Book said about "those unfortunates who lack the capacity for self honesty" (I don't recall the exact quote). And I beat myself up for failing. Repeatedly. I eventually gave up on it, but I realize now, part of my OCD is because I'm still internalizing those things. All or nothing. Sober or not. Sobriety dates. (I hated having to go around and introduce myself with my sobriety date being that morning when everyone else was 25 years - talk about shaming!) Etc.
But this morning, in a somewhat rare fit of self kindness, I acknowledged to myself that while I might not be sober according to the various definitions, and maybe I'll never make 30 days or an anniversary, I am making progress. I'm better than I was (I stopped a major form of acting out with much more dire consequences 4 years ago). And in 15 years, though I might have been told I was such an unfortunate, I have never given up. I am still struggling 15 years later. That's in part what led me here, was through continuing study and emerging awareness that the root of my self-medication was due to something deeper; a deep emotional trauma from my childhood. I'm not better yet, and maybe I'll never be totally better. But I'm better than I was, and I haven't given up.
Perhaps this is a lens through which you could view yourself. Not beating yourself up for failing, but with compassion for the hurt child who has to hide from his pain. And with pride that maybe you're not better but you haven't given up. Being here and asking for help is proof of that.
Thank you Dante ! I do feel like i am better today than i was a month ago. It was just a bad month after having a bad emotional flashback. I don't have them very often, but when I do they mess me up for a few weeks. I think that is why i have really been over drinking. I am starting to feel better and only had 1 drink last night , really out of boredom. You all have been very helpful and i am thankful for that !
:cheer: :applause: :grouphug:
We all slip into our coping mechanisms when that happens, Larry. Eventually we spend less time needing them and have more success substituting healthy or healthier ways to cope. Just keep practicing and doing the best you can. Huge congratulations on getting toward the end of that EF and only needing one drink last night. :cheer:
Sidenote - I don't want to derail your thread Larry but I just wanted to comment on something Dante said about AA:
QuoteI started attending 12 step meetings about 15 years ago, but never found them helpful. They were too rigid and too legalistic for me, and I always felt that it was "perfection, not progress". I was "fired" by multiple sponsors. I internalized what the Big Book said about "those unfortunates who lack the capacity for self honesty" (I don't recall the exact quote). And I beat myself up for failing. Repeatedly. I eventually gave up on it, but I realize now, part of my OCD is because I'm still internalizing those things. All or nothing. Sober or not.
This is part of the problem many survivors have with AA. It actually plays into our trauma in many ways for the reasons you've identified. To look at ourselves
honestly is to do so with compassion and understanding that we are traumatized, not bad or irresponsible people in need of another strict/demanding parent.
We truly don't need to beat ourselves up any more than we already do. We may stop drinking thru programs like AA, but we'll white knuckle sobriety until we deal with the trauma in a life affirming and loving way.
My thoughts of course. I never went to an AA program because I understood on some level it was all about my trauma, I didn't like drinking, I just did so to numb the EFs and pain and because I didn't have anyone to help or talk to about it at the time. That's one reason I started OOTS by the way. I have gotten drunk 2-3 times since stopping but I really don't like it and it just reminded me how bad I felt when I did drink. I'm more motivated to learn other ways of dealing with my trauma.
Just to bring this back to you Larry. I got as much kind, compassionate and medically sound help as I could to help when my drinking was really bad and it helped. Being here is a great start for you and it does seem to be resonating (i.e., the care, compassion, support & encouragement). That's a signal to traumatized you there is help for the pain and loneliness and fear, others who comfort and understand, something few of us have had.
:grouphug:
thanks Kizzie ! This forum has been incredibly helpful !
Hi Larry and Kizzie,
I like everything Kizzie says about the drinking being tied to trauma. For a lot of us CPTSD survivors, AA isn't needed. BUT Just for a rounded view of all your options, I'll tell you about my experiences with AA and voluntary Rehab.
First, it's important to note that my Alcoholism was pretty minor compared with the typical AA members. For those who start drinking in childhood, the ONLY cure is daily AA meetings for life. It has to do with the biology of what they were addicted to when puberty sort of locked the brain into its baseline moods for life. But I didn't start drinking heavily until my late forties. So quitting was easier for me. However, quitting on my own wasn't working. Several attempts only made my addiction a little bit worse each time I started up again. In order to stop drinking once and for all, I decided to put myself into an outpatient rehab program: 3 hours a day for 5 weeks and I attended multiple different AA meetings for about a year.
My experience is that, for me, I needed a blend of my therapist's CPTSD help, AND outpatient rehab AND about a year's worth of AA. I'm not plugging AA here, I'm just sharing what my experience was like.
Outpatient Rehab
What Rehab gave me was solid, scientific information about how drinking was affecting my health, my life and my family:
For my first example, as a nightly drinker, my body was detoxifying my daily poison consumption by waking me up in a sweat and throbbing heartbeat between 2 and 3 AM every morning. That's when the body is in its deepest sleep, and it's when the liver is working its hardest to detoxify what was put in it the day before. Also, My Acid Reflux was tied to my drinking. I learned that if I quit drinking, I would sleep through the 2-3 am detox cycle AND would gain significant help with my acid reflux. It turned out to be true on both counts. Since 2014 when I quit drinking, I now sleep through the night AND don't have to take any acid reflux medications anymore.
My second example is what I learned about drinking and sociopathy. I learned that alcohol changes a person by kind of turning us into part-time sociopaths. I was starting to reschedule my life events around the drinking. I wouldn't let anyone come visit me after 5 pm, because I didn't want anyone cutting in to my drinking time. Many of my rehab peers told me that they even remembered the day that the drinking caused them to stop caring about other people. They said the empathy turned off as if by a switch. It fascinated me: they remember the day empathy turned off in their heads! But those same peers also remember the very moment when, during sobriety, they suddenly started caring about other people again. They remember the day the switch was turned back on! This blows my mind!!!! It also led me to my own personal theory that some people are born sociopaths, while others become sociopaths due to addiction, brain trauma, or military training. The bad news for born sociopaths, or those who've had irreparable brain accidents, is that they can't be cured. The good news for addiction and military trained sociopaths is that once the war is over, or the addiction is controlled, the sociopathy is cured. Kids who are trained to kill in battle stop killing when the war ends. Alcoholics who've learned to put booze ahead of family and friends, regain their empathy for others as soon as the booze is gone from their lives.
That was some of what I learned in Rehab that really helped me intellectualize the positive reasons to quit drinking. Now for what I learned in AA.
AA
What AA gave me was the same thing this forum is giving me. Anonymous Friendship with kindred souls. It allowed me to go to a place that was filled with people who understand the urge to drink so I could just BE with them, and we could share our tips, compassion, and successes with each other. Sometimes just knowing I'm in a room with people who understand is all it takes to give me strength.
To really grasp the value of AA, try to find a way to watch the movie "Bill W". It's the story of how AA got started. It's a really, really supportive movie.
AA gave me the same thing I get from this forum for my CPTSD. Here on this site, I don't have to explain myself to you all about what it feels like to struggle with CPTSD. I can get suggestions for help from people who are just like me. In AA meetings I didn't have to explain myself to other drinkers about how hard it was for me to stay away from the booze. And I got suggestions for how to make my sobriety work no matter how I was feeling.
When I talked with family and friends who were not in AA about my drinking, they kind of judged me and either told me I should just magically stop drinking, OR WORSE, they'd tell me I didn't have a problem, so I should just keep enjoying the alcohol. I learned it was not good to get support from people who haven't walked their mile in my shoes.
Like Kizzie says, AA is not for everyone. And the trauma therapy is the best way to regain control over our own lives. But for me, AA was one of the contributing factors that finally cleaned me up for good. There's strength in numbers. Being with others who struggle with the exact same struggle, gave me strength.
I visited several different AA groups. Some were better than others. There were a LOT of compassionate people in most of those meetings. Very supportive.
I called AA my church. It was where I went to be in company with other "sinners" who didn't judge me, because I wasn't different than they were. It gave me the place to air my fears and frustrations and successes and joys around sobriety with others who understood and supported. It gave me strength to go out into the world and make my sobriety work.
Because I was a milder alcoholic, and because I had such fantastic support with my therapist, I chose to NOT get an AA sponsor. It frustrated my rehab counselors because they know that most people who come through rehab are in much worse shape than I was, and the sponsor is pretty badly needed for most alcoholics. I held my ground, and didn't get a sponsor, but that's because I was doing fine with my therapist as a sponsor, and I was actively engaged in CPTSD therapy.
So I agree with Kizzie that the most important thing we can do is get help with our CPTSD. But if AA is available to you, it might not hurt to at least give a couple of different meetings a chance. Just see what they're like. It really is anonymous, so if you don't like it, they aren't going to call or hound you.
thank you papa coco ! I really need some kind of support group, AA could be a good thing for me. I also really need to find a therapist, I think I am ready for that now. I tried several years ago but i think it wasn't the right therapist for me. I don't like feeling like i need therapy, but let's face it, i need it. I really appreciate the time you spent helping me !
I'm glad I was able to connect, Larry. I see so much of my own path in yours, I really hope you can find the support you're looking for.
I may have told you this already, but over the course of 40 years I've seen 7 Therapists. The first one, in 1980, was a clinical talking text book who just looked for chances to throw one-liners at me, like "Oh! God doesn't make Junk!" My employer sent me to him after I had a meltdown in front of him at only 20 years old. After that first therapist, I still didn't feel any different, so I started trying out different practitioners. Some sat there and made me do all the talking. They wouldn't respond at all. For a man who was ostracized or ignored by family and friends any time I said the wrong thing, NOT RESPONDING to my words was a dangerous trigger, NOT a cure. Some therapists are Narcissistic. They take that job so they can tell other people how to live their lives. My last guy, who I stuck with for 18 years, was a "Behavior Modification Cognitive Therapist" with a narcissistic tendency to always prove to me HE was right and I was wrong. I stayed with him because I thought he was what I needed. I thought that because he was just like my family. LIke my family, he was just narcissistic enough to constantly make me believe my trigger responses were my own fault. In 1999, I'd taken all from him that I could take and I found the Therapist I have now. It took my current T over two years just to make me realize I could trust him in ways I had never trusted anyone at all. I've seen him every other Tuesday since 1999. The relationship has been slow and steady and I dare say now that I love him more than I ever loved my own brother or my own dad. That brotherly love we share during session has been just what I've needed all along. (Another note: I believe "love" is a synonym for "connection." I know I love someone, either family, friend or pet, when I know I'll feel a hole would be torn in my heart if I ever lose them. So when I say I feel love for my T, I'm refering to a soul-to-soul connection built on mutual trust and respect that will hurt my heart if it's ever broken).
So, for addiction and drinking, I believe a person should never quit quitting. Most of us quit smoking or drinking after several honest tries. But it eventually takes. And for finding a good therapist, I follow the same rule: Give each one a chance, but if the shoe doesn't fit, don't force it. Find another one! For me # 7 is the charm. But today it should be easier than it was for me, because during my long search, Complex PTSD didn't exist, so no one really knew what was wrong with me. I would like to believe that today, the ability to find a C-PTSD-savy therapist is hopefully MUCH easier than it was for me in the 1970s, 80s and 90s. More of them know what it is now!
Thank you for continuing to post in this forum. I do feel an empathetic desire to stay connected as each of us moves forward each day with where we are all at in our healing journeys. Like I always say, I'm pulling for you!!!!
I agree with everything Papa Coco has said. For many people, AA works. For me it didn't. But my point wasn't about AA at all, it was about how the journey I've taken has been circuitous, but I'm acknowledging I've never (and still haven't) given up - and that for you, Larry, some self-care acknowledging the same for yourself might be healing.
Definitely don't disregard AA on account of my account. I haven't had a good experience with therapists, either, and I'm also not saying anyone should disregard therapists. (And I have a lot of things that I have experienced, that I wouldn't recommend either, so there). ;)
thank you armee, i attended a wine event tonight at the local theater, drank a lot of wine, i feel like i don;t need o drink, it just makes me feel better. sometimes i really want to get a dui, as bad as that me seem. i am really conused right now.
It's such a crappy feeling to be confused and have conflicting feelings...like wanting to get a DUI but probably not wanting to risk hurting someone, feeling like you don't need to drink but needing to drink to feel better. I get the same way, not about alcohol but other things especially intrusive thoughts about myself.
What I feel you suffering with under it all is wanting to feel better but not knowing how. I think you also want to feel ashamed and not feel ashamed. Just keep writing about it here. It's safe.
you are so right Armee, how do i feel better? i really do not know where to begin. i obviosly use alcohol to escape and cope. i really don't know of another substitute, other than cocaine, but cocaine doesn't help me forget. i don't want to use drugs or alcohol, but both have been a huge part of my coping for a long time. i really need therapy, i don't know what else to try. i don't want to become a drunk drug addict.
It's a real sad thing because I've seen that one of the biggest factors is being able to love yourself and that is so so hard to do for us.
Take the first step and start calling therapists. Kizzie has a resource for help finding a therapist but of course it isn't easy so expect this to be a big significant step to be proud of even starting to look. https://www.outofthestorm.website/treatment/
I don't want you to become a drunk drug addict either. You've got better things ahead of you than that. Plus my dad was a drunk drug addict and a real ****head. I would hate to have to lump you in there with him. 😁 :hug:
Get some sleep, check in with yourself next time you are able to catch yourself reaching for a drink, call 2 therapists tomorrow and leave a message. Finally, be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot and deserve some empathy.
thank you Armee
Apologies Larry (and everyone), I don't want to throw anyone off AA. I just had a similar reaction to the program as Dante did. The approach simply did not feel right/good for me and I also had an issue with the concept of a Higher Power.
As Papa Coco has said, many people do find it helpful. There is a certain magical effect in kinship and shared experience when you're struggling with addiction or CPTSD or anything for that matter, so definitely give it a try and see if it's a fit for you.
When you're feeling better you might want to check out a book by Gabor Mate called "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" which is about taking responsibility but with compassionate understanding of the connection to trauma. Mate is a Canadian physician who is a recovering alcoholic himself and has worked with addicts for decades.
thank you Kizzie, i will try to find that book. Today has been good, i really want to try to have a few good days in a row. fingers crossed for tomorrow!
Congrats on a gew good days!!! :grouphug:
You're doing great taking care of yourself and valuing yourself enough to want to recover.
Keep it up and know that CPTSD recovery for me is often 3 steps forward 5 falls back and then 5 steps forward type of pattern.
thank you armee, i really wih i would have tried harder to recover several years ago, i did'nt really know how messed up i am. i guess i thought i was almost normal, like everybody must feel like i was feeling. I know better now. i have been reading a lot and trying to understand, and maybe learn how to heal, almost seems impossible, but all i can do is try.
I feel the same way. I thought I was almost normal too, I didn't realize how far to starboard I was listing. I try hard not to be at myself up for not trying yesterday because I can't fix yesterday, I can only focus on today. I had about 10 days of success a few weeks back and fell down again, but managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps again and got through a good day yesterday. The one thing about 12 steps that I did like was the "one day at a time". I live in regrets of the past and fears of the future but never today.
If you're still trying, you're still alive, and that's all that matters. Keep it up!
I definitely thought I was normal and nothing was wrong until I started therapy to figure out how to set boundaries with my mom without destroying myself. Slowly I thawed enough that I could see things were really not ok with me and then I fought that and hated on myself for not being ok. Now I'm closer to acceptance that stuff happened, that I am like this (traumatized), and that fixing it isn't simply a matter of hard work and wishing it so. And now I'm struggling to accept that it isn't easy and takes a lot of different tools and a long time. But there's been really significant incremental progress the whole time I've been in therapy. It's just that the finish line looks deceptively close but as I inch along the course it keeps appearing further away. But I've covered the miles.
Accepting things aren't ok and seeing things as they are is such an important milestone, Larry.
Armee
VVvvvvvery well said. Nice post. I resonate wholly with every word.
I really appreciate the support from all of you ! I want to try therapy again, i know it sounds wierd, but i don't want my wife to know , I don't want to lie to her, but I don't want to tell her. Not sure why, maybe i feel ashamed to want or need therapy. I might try hinting around about it a little and see what happens.
Hey Larry,
The single greatest gift I've gotten from therapy was having my T push me to be more vulnerable with my H and let him know what was happening. It felt impossible at the time even though we had been friends for 30 years and dating or married for 20 I felt like I had to be perfect for him, I felt like I couldn't explain what was wrong or happening...like I just didn't know how.
Like most stuff, that is actually a symptom of the PTSD and doing the opposite of those symptoms has the power to help heal. Unless you are in an unsupportive abusive relationship in which case, that's good to know too.
Telling my H helped me heal and brought us so much closer.
I know you aren't looking for advice but try to tell your wife. I remember when my T was trying to get me to attend a trauma retreat. I didn't want to because I didn't want to tell my H I was traumatized because I felt weak and stupid. I had been in therapy for nearly 2 years but that part felt really hard. I put it off until the last minute. When it was time, I sat outside with him and some coffee in silence. Then an "um." Then "I have something I need to ask you." Silence from me...."um this is really hard for me to say...." etc until I finally got it out. Every step of disclosing things to him has been this hard. And he has never been anything but loving and supportive.
Your wife will in all likelihood be relieved you recognize you need help and want to get better. Don't do it in secret unless you don't trust her. That's the message it would send if you didn't tell her.
It's not easy. But you've done lots of not easy things already. You can do this one, too.
thank you so much armee, she is very supportive, sometimes to sympathetic for me. i don't really like that, but she is amazing, You are very strong , not sure i can do that yet, but i am going to try.
I'll second what Armee said. I've tried to take all these steps alone when my spouse has been nothing but supportive. Drove me to 12 steps when I didn't have the courage to go on my own. Went to therapy with me. Yet still I didn't have trust. I've done a lot of work over the last several months, culminating in finally having the courage to come here - I find this site a year ago. That work - and especially the support here - has shown me that what I've been wrestling with is shame. Shame at what happened to me, shame at what I did to survive. Shame needs a dark, damp corner to grow. And grew mine did.
I finally trusted enough to share those secrets and the shame has withered at long last. And, both surprisingly and not surprisingly, I've had peace and no need to act out, self harm or drink. It's probably only a temporary respite, but the first I've EVER had - every time in the past has been white knuckle.
So true, Dante.
Larry, trying and failing is still progress. It took me many small steps to work up to any even small disclosures to my husband about what I've been struggling with. It's just that every single time it has made things better, not worse. Not just for me but for my husband and relationship too.
Don't feel like a failure if you can't, though. There are some things I am supposed to do to get better on something I really want to fix but I haven't been able to yet.
Just wanted to add that while my H and I have generally been quite close (a few bumps in the road in the last year or two), I didn't tell him much because I didn't want to know, I didn't want to say things out loud to him and even to a T becasue then it was out there and I couldn't keep trying to shove it down. To admit certain to myself and heaven forbid others made me feel weak and vulnerable and less than. I've had the same problem here with some of my deepest bits, but am slowly opening up about them and it really does help.
I guess my suggestion would be to take it at your pace, whatever that may be, so you are not overwhelmed. Some 'discomfort' is needed to move forward, it's being deluged with shame, fear, anger, etc that can send us back into numbing.
Hope this helps.
i want to try, i don't know what else to do, i really appreciate all of you. i am really confused right now.
For me, I came here with questions. What happened. Why am I this way. Why do I do the things I do even though I don't want to do them and I am slowly dying inside? In the few months that I've been here, I feel like I've made a breakthrough. I think I now know enough about what happened and why I am this way. The part I don't know, I don't think I need to know. I get the plot, even if the specific story is hazy. And that has helped me to start to heal from my self-destructive behavior, but the compulsion is not gone. I think it will be a long time before it is, but it's a start, and I'll take it.
My hope for you is that you figure out how you need help, and that you find a way to ask for it. It took me too long to admit I needed help, and too long to ask for help. I can't tell you what form of help will work for you, but you can't do it alone. That much I can tell you. That's what this forum gives me. I am not alone anymore. Neither are you.
thank you,
Hey Larry,
I just read back a few posts and saw where you said "It might be weird but I don't want my wife to know..."
That is NOT weird at all. I have been the same way all along. I even wrote a series of novels that I published, but for the first 2 years my wife had NO IDEA I was writing them. It wasn't until I had reached a point in my healing when I felt safe sharing it with her that I did so. She was very cool with it. And from there I was able to move on...at my own pace. I can't fully explain it, but I assume it has to do with trust issues. Many of us C-PTSD survivors on this forum deal with interpersonal trust issues from having been so badly betrayed by the most important people in our lives. Our parents!
The reason I say it's not weird is, the word weird describes a one-off anomaly that doesn't fit the mold. But here, Larry, the mold is that almost all of us have massive trust issues, and for a lot of CPTSD survivors, those trust issues are all entangled with the people we love the most.
I'm all for you keeping your therapy from your wife until the day comes when YOU feel safe in your heart to share it with her. You are not hiding a bad secret from her, but you are giving yourself some private space to explore a deep, personal, private, intimate need for healing for yourself. She isn't the person who put you into this Trauma, so this isn't really about her just yet. You're doing fine, Larry. If you can keep it a secret, then I think that's very cool.
I'm feeling serious compassion for everything you're going through. It looks like a lot of people on this forum are.
Keep sharing. Life is easier lived when you don't feel alone with your traumas. We'll be here for you for as long as it takes!
I think you're doing great.
Than you so much, I really want to try therapy again. I found a psychologist near me that works with ptsd , I really want to get the courage to make an appointment.
Sorry for jumping to unsolicited advice, Larry. Papa Coco is right about your wife and trust and telling her only when you feel safe and ready. Sorry for that, because you shouldn't have to overcome any additional unnecessary barriers to getting help when you are ready to take that step.
I wish we all could sit around you and support you as you make that difficult call. But we are here virtually. And you searched for and found a possible therapist! That is a HUGE step! Good job! :cheer:
Thank you soo much Armee! If I do make that call, i will be thining about all of you being here with me !
Hey Larry,
Armee's right. We are all here and we care.
When I was young, and thought I was the only person on the planet who was like me, I used to fantasize that I'd gotten lost at sea, washed up on an uncharted island, and accidentally found an entire civilization of people who were just like me with the same fears, same dissociative trances, same desire to be loved without judgement. I didn't believe people like that actually existed, but it used to bring me immense peace to at least pretend I could live in that place with those friends who understood me.
But fast-forward to 2021, right here and now...I think I found that place.
I hope you are able to start therapy soon with a compassionate therapist. It's really helpful.
I realize now that my post came out as "you should totally trust your wife". That wasn't what I meant to say, and I apologize. I was thinking out loud as I wrote and combined two things together.
What I was trying to say was I needed to trust someone with everything. All the worst of me, and see if they ran away screaming. I needed that to heal and be a check against my inner critic. I'm grateful I finally did it because it's the start to healing and probably not coincidentally, I have found at long last a remission in my self-destructive behavior. I guess that's the purpose of the 4th step in AA (though I have my issues with how that's approached, but that's for another time). The point is to find someone you can trust and share your story.
As a separate fact, my wife has been more supportive than I gave (give?) her credit for. It took me too long to trust her and I regret that. I'm still learning to trust her. However, there are things she still doesn't know - and will never be told by me, because they would be hurtful to her. I can't hurt someone else in pursuit of my own healing. She knows my general story but not some specifics, and doesn't need to.
So yes, I agree with everyone. You have to feel comfortable before you start sharing because once you do, you can't unshare it. It my even be helpful to have your therapist help you decide what and when to share with her.
thank you Dante, i really need to give therapy a try. just having a hard time taking the first step
having a few ups and downs with drinking, but only had 3 drinks yesterday, i have been feeling better when i don't drink so much. i would like to find a better way to deal with things. trying to stay positive !
I'm glad for the little successes you've been sharing. 3 drinks. Congratulations! Small successes are big things in our healing journeys.
I had a rough night myself last night with a lot of regrets and emotions from my past. But I went to bed very, very glad I'd quit drinking 6 years ago. I knew it would have been a raging binge of a night if I were still drinking. So when you say you escaped a binge night and only had 3 drinks, well...I feel like congratulations are in order.
thank you Papa ! and congrats on 6 years !
i have been doing really well, until yesterday, my local bar told me not to come back for 2 weeks, kind of felt like being abandoned again. i called a therapist today, left a message, no call back.. it took me a month and so much effort to make that call, all for nothing. i am at home, not driving tonight, going to do what works and drink to forget and not feel pain
I'm sorry, Larry. It sounds like you're going through a rough time. I hope the therapist will get back to you, and I hope you stay safe. I care about you.
thank you Dante, not many therapists where i live, but i found one that works with trauma survivors. i hope i get a call back. i am really afraid to go to an appointment, but i feel like it might be my only hope at this point. i feel so unwanted, lonley and depressed right now. trying to drown that with vodka. i have to work tomorrow, i don't want to loose my job, but i don't know how i can go to work and act normal
Hi Larry. I'm sorry you are feeling depressed and abandoned, lonely, and unwanted. I know that hurts.
Calling and finding a therapist is not easy and I'm really impressed you were able to take that step so quickly. It can be hard to find one that's available and fits, even after you start making calls so hang in there through the barriers that come up, ok? This is an excellent step forward!!!!!
Tonight...even if you call it quits after 7 shots instead of the 8th that you want, it's still a win, ok?
Here...I've made you a warm cup of herbal tea and some toast when you're ready to crawl into a cozy spot and fall into sleep. You're not alone. We're here.
thank you armee, the therapisst called today, not taking new patients, they said maybe mid november. trying to stay sober tonight
Good job. Every drink you pass up is a major accomplishment.
i had 4 drinks yesterday. i feel like i am doing a little better, not over drinking as much. i hope i can keep this going.
Hi Larry,
Wishing you the best with things.
Hope :)
:cheer: :cheer:
Great job!!!
thank you ! i know i will have a few drinks tonight, but if i can keep it to 4 or 5, getting nervous about my appointment next friday. i don't know what to expect, i hope i can show up,
You can show up. You are able to do that because you WANT to do that and you want to heal. This is the way to do it.
thank you Armee ! i only had 4 drinks today, i am ready for tomorrow ! fisrst time in a while i have been able to say that. i really appreciate all the support from everyone !! i could not do this alone
monday night i really over drank, but i didn't drive, i didn't want to drink that much, it just happened, i just couldn't stop. only had 4 drinks yesterday, i try not to drink at all, or only have 2. it almost feels like i am trying to punish myself by drinking. my first session is Friday, i am afraid to go, but also feeling a little hopeful that it could help.
Good job not driving! Just get yourself to therapy. That's the. Most important piece. Other than be kind to Larry.
thank you Armee ! i need to get out of the house today. i left my jeep at the bar on monday, it is still there. i wanted to get it early today, before they open. i feel like i am wasting every day, i want to do fun things again ! i washed some dishes this morning, need to change sheets on my bed. i am tored of being in this house !!
That's such a smart self caring thing to try to get it before they open. That sounds like a good time to head out for something fun. Oooh...paddleboarding or hot cocoa and a walk through a public garden! Ok I'm boring.
But do find something today that makes you feel good if you can!
we have some nature trails, i need to do that more often, it is really relaxing. i know if i get out, i will feel better.
i stepped outside for a few minutes, it's a little windy, but nice and sunny. been in the house all day. i did change the sheets on my bed ! maybe i can go for a walk, it's hard to leave the house, i'm depressed at home but feel anxiety around people. i need a quiet place outside where i can be alone.
I went to the bar to get my jeep, it has been there for 2 days, i had 4 or 5 drinks, i noticed the drinks started getting weaker, I watched them make the drinks, they were making them with less vodka on each drink. I would rather have them refuse to serve me, do they think i can't taste the difference? I am at home now, going to make some drinks the way they should be made ! I always tip them well, why do i even bother. it really made me a little angry. i don't like to drink when i'm angry, I will probably over drink
I wanted to smash that damn glass on the bar !!!
Hi Larry. It's ok. You are a good person. You'll get where you want to be. It isn't easy. It is hard as ****.
i don't know why i was so angry, i would rather have them not serve me insteas of giving me weak drinks. maybe it was a good thing, i don't know. feeling a little depressed this morning. i need to find something that will make me happy again
having a hard time today, drinking at home, trying to be good to my wife, she doesnt know what i deal with, i tried to tell her, i don't think anyone understands unless they have been through the things i have. i just want to get drunk and forget, nothing else works
Hey! Good job talking to your wife and trying to explain! That's a really hard step to take. It can take a long time for it to sink in. Lots of sharing and explaining. But along the way you may get closer and build a stronger more supportive partnership.
She doesn't know I went to a T session. I stayed up late last night, drank way too much, i was watching music videos all night, it really mad her mad, I managed to make it to work this morning. I just got home, i am going to try not to drink today. i really need to get some sleep.
trying not to be depressed, my session was canceled last minute, been drinking all day. i just don't know how to deal with things anymore
so my local pub will not serve me jack daniels any more, and if i get a mixed drink, it is so weak, sometimes i feel like i need to escape, not feel things, i know they have no idea what i am going through, i want to slow down on drinking, but nothing else works !
You'll start to learn things that work in therapy. It's ok. One step at a time. You've taken the hardest step of starting therapy. The rest will fall into place as long as you stay committed to keeping on no matter what.
thank you Armee, i really want to exercise more instead of drinking. i need to make that happen. my session is in 1 hour , i hope i don't cry ! i have a small keychain to remind me of everyone here that has been so supportive, i think either papa coco or dante suggested that. i will have it with me,
I've never cried in therapy and honestly I will be so happy the day I feel connected enough that tears will come. If you do cry, it's ok and beautiful and vulnerable. I understand not wanting to. I pumped my fist in victory when I got through my first therapy session without needing that stupid box of Kleenex on the table. Now it's all I want...to feel that sense of trust and vulnerability and closeness but the tears won't come.
Take this from me and place it in your key chain:
It will be ok if you cry.
If you cry today, it will be the start of healing. If you don't cry today, it will also be the start of healing, because you are there wanting to start on the long road to feeling better. Whatever unfolds, it is ok because you've started on your path.
Signed,
Armee
Your friend who cares about you.
i didn't cry in therapy today, but reading that almost made me cry ! thank you so much Armee. i needed to hear that
anyone around ? feeling like i need someone to talk too,
I'm in and out depending on what my kids are up to.
What's on your mind, tonight, Larry?
I'm going to go pour a warm cup of herbal tea. The heat and smell help me be calm.
I'm around. It's midnight in Seattle and I'm in a bad anxiety storm, so sleep is not happening.
If you're still on line, I'm here now.
Hey Larry, Armee,
Looks like you're not on line anymore. I hope you have a better day today.
Been wanting to read this full chain, havent done so yet
Larry - i am also an addict, the remaining addiction is porn and the hardest to beat (which has been with me since i was 12 - i am 39), but before its been gambling, food and a few other things i wont go into.
Different things have helped me, and although therapists have helped in part, mostly its been driven by me, loosening the grip. The biggest thing that helped me was Gabor Mates book - realm of hungry ghosts, particularly the process defined in the appendix
Using CBT and other behaviour adjustments help you get through the interim, and any day not using is a win, any time you stop the urge is a win. Long term though i think other things are needed.
Underneath it all, there is a pain, there is likely a child still scared, and wanting love or wanting attention or protection, and rather than feel that stuff, we do the things we do. Little by little i have found, by revealing that pain and sending love to my younger parts - its getting easier (its been a battle). I have met many an addict who stops the behaviour but doesnt resolve the pain, i find this hard, as i want to stop the behaviour but thats never worked for me, for this addiction.
bit by bit, crying will help, i sense you are heading that way, and sending love to you brother
hope that offers something
much love
so good to hear from all of you, i was really depressed yesterday, went out for a drink, there were too many people, it was so loud, i have been doing better at controlling hypervigilance and anxiety, but i just couldn't do it last night. i had to get out of there. i was doing so wel last week, not sure what happened.
Hey Larry,
Never let a little backsliding get you down. I think you're doing amazing. You've only just started to work on your drinking and it sounds to me like you're making pretty impressive progress.
I measure my success by the year, not the day. This is because we don't heal from CPTSD in one take. If it's okay to learn how to play the piano over time, then it's okay to learn how to gain control over the Emotional setbacks given to us by CPTSD over time as well. As long as we keep participating, and keep using the tools avaible to us, like therapists, books, this forum, etc;, we keep seeing improvements, some very quickly, others take a little longer. If you were to chart your success, the trendline would go up and down daily, but rise yearly; good days and bad days are par for the course; but if you zoom out and look at the year's trend, you'll see next year's bad days will be better than this year's bad days. Like learning the piano, daily practice, even with mistakes, is how we keep improving over time.
I'm speaking from experience and I'm totally on your side.
thank you papa coco , i know you are right, i need to look at the big picture, it just felt so bad going from having a good week to depressed again. i have been doing better at handling hypervigilance and emotional flashbacks. i am recognising them earlier and doing grounding exercises to control thins. i just couldn't do it last night. it was too much. maybe today will be better
I was sorry I missed you on line last night. I was drugged up from a minor surgery and by the time I checked on line, you had already logged off. But I'm glad to hear you're already noticing improvements. The ability to spot the EFs and know them for what they are, flashbacks, is a major step forward.
When I say I'm happy you're starting to feel a little more control over them, I mean it. We CPTSD survivors really do feel each other in "the force." LOL.
I hope your surgery went well !
i don't know why, i thought i over drank to cope, then a few weeks ago i thought it might be a self harm thing. now i think maybe it is to forget everything and feel numb. i was numb to emotions for many years. after a very intense emtional flashback, i can not control emotions anymore. i go from happy to sad, depressed to crying to happy. I am so confused. sometimes i just feel like i need to get blackout drunk. probably going to do that tonight
It's all those things, Larry. They are all the same. Numbing forgetting copkng self harm addiction. All the same.
It is serving a purpose to protect you but it is also hurting you.
I never realised that, but you are so right. it feels a little better knowing that. i just would likke to have a little more control
Larry, I stopped my drinking 31 years ago. I was in such denial I didn't get help until it was almost to late. My father died t the age of 47 because of drinking. It's not easy to admit you have a problem and I commend you for the courage to do so. You also have a desire to stop. In AA the first two steps are the hardest. To admit to yourself and another person you have a problem with alcohol and you have a desire to stop drinking ONE DAY AT A TIME. Keep it up!
Quote from: Larry on November 17, 2021, 02:52:59 PM
i have been doing better at handling hypervigilance and emotional flashbacks. i am recognising them earlier and doing grounding exercises to control thins.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I have addictions too (not alcohol) and although I've been in therapy/recovery for years I've never been able to quit cold-turkey. Recognising earlier that you're in an EF and managing to handle your hypervigilance better are both really good steps forward. imo it's a bit the nature of cpstd that most of us don't manage to take all our forwards steps all the time. We fall back. We're hit by an EF about something new or 3 EFs at once and fall back on old coping skills. You're not alone with that on here. 2 steps forward, 1 back. The point is to get back on your feet again at some point.
For me, the problem is simple. The solution is hard, but the problem is simple. I too spent years debating "why" I was an addict. Was it punishment? To me? To others? Was it numbing? Coping? Self harm? The answer I found was "yes". But at the core, the real reason addiction was and is so hard for me to beat is simply that I abnegated all of my feelings, my worth, my purpose, my sense of self, because it was the only way to survive. There is no "me" anymore. The only "selfish" thing I have left is my addiction. Despite the fact that I *want* to give it up, giving it up means giving up the last piece of "me". If I'm honest, I'm afraid that when that's gone, I'll just blow away like dust in the wind.
That doesn't mean I won't stop trying. I've made some real progress in the last few years, but also had some regressions. The only thing that will stop me from trying to heal from my addictions and from my trauma is when I'm dead. So maybe that means there is some "me" still there, still fighting. I see the same in you. Don't give up. Keep looking for different ways to attack the problem, because it's a multifaceted problem. It won't be an easy fix, for you, or for me. But we are worth it.
I know what you speak of very well Dante, i have only lived working or with addictions. I know nothing else.
Therapists ask - you must have hobbies, my addictions have been my "hobbies". Its hard to change such a strong coping mechanism
good luck to you and the continued trying, it can be done, i have defeated others before
Quote from: Dante on November 18, 2021, 12:59:57 PM
For me, the problem is simple. The solution is hard, but the problem is simple. I too spent years debating "why" I was an addict. Was it punishment? To me? To others? Was it numbing? Coping? Self harm? The answer I found was "yes". But at the core, the real reason addiction was and is so hard for me to beat is simply that I abnegated all of my feelings, my worth, my purpose, my sense of self, because it was the only way to survive. There is no "me" anymore. The only "selfish" thing I have left is my addiction. Despite the fact that I *want* to give it up, giving it up means giving up the last piece of "me". If I'm honest, I'm afraid that when that's gone, I'll just blow away like dust in the wind.
That doesn't mean I won't stop trying. I've made some real progress in the last few years, but also had some regressions. The only thing that will stop me from trying to heal from my addictions and from my trauma is when I'm dead. So maybe that means there is some "me" still there, still fighting. I see the same in you. Don't give up. Keep looking for different ways to attack the problem, because it's a multifaceted problem. It won't be an easy fix, for you, or for me. But we are worth it.
thank you all for the support. i only had 3 drinks yesterday. trying to keep it under control.
Hi Larry - sending positive vibes your way. Hang in there!
thank you Dante !
Larry,
Sounds like you're making some good progress. Keep it up. Sending you good vibes.
thank you papa coco !
I had a few days last week that it really over drank. mostly been doing good. sometimes i just need to forget everything for a while. maybe it is the holidays, not my favorite time of year. it is hard and painful watching everyone have fun with family and friends,
Larry, this time of year is difficult for me also. It's hard to not use food and drink right now to get by. I hope you will find some gentleness for yourself as I can see how hard you are working.
thank you rainy, i am trying, things just seem so dark right now.
:hug:
I'm sorry you are going through a dark time. It's a really scary stage you are in right now on this journey and I'm so proud of how much you are doing. It can get really overwhelming and it makes sense you want to blot it out with alcohol sometimes. It's like building endurance. Over time it gets easier to tolerate a little bit of the underlying emotions and to feel some of that trauma. Right now you haven't been given any of those tools or had any time to practice, so we'll keep reminding you to be kind and patient with yourself, where you are right now.
Just keep trying to listen to what your heart really wants under it all and that can guide you through the hard parts. For me it was really really wanting to be a good mom and anything that was getting in the way of that I had the motivation to suffer through.
I really appreciate you armee. sometimes i just don't know what to do. it feels like everything is falling apart. i am not drinking today. even though i want too. it doesn't really seem to matter. i hope i can sleep tonight, without all the kicking and screaming. i am so tired of not getting sleep, fighting through each day is painful and exhausting.
i have been doing so much better at not overdrinking. i went several days without, had a few days with 1 or 2 drinks. i feel like i have control, next few weeks might be a challenge, with the holidays.
i feel like such a burden to everyone, i don't know why, i just want to escape. i don't want to use drugs, seems like alcohol is the only thing that works right now.
I don't think you are a burden, Larry. I wish I could do something to ease your suffering.
i just don't know what else to do. i try to distract myself with positive things. i have been goiing to the gym, i did a yoga class today. but i still feel like a burden to everyone. i know it will pass. i will get that good feeling again. it is just so hard to deal with the unwanted feelings. when i get drunk, nothing else matters. it is almost like my comfort zone
anyone here tonight? i really need someone to talk too
Hi! You're not alone. Great job going to the gym and doing yoga today! It takes time to build up the positive benefits of any of these tools. Keep going!
i really thought i would not be back here, i keep getting lost. sometimes things just don't make sense, i really need something to fall back on, i know alcohol and drugs are not the answere, what else works? i don't know what to do
You DO know what to do, Larry. It is seeking help instead of continuing the same cycle of thinking you're OK, then falling into heavy drinking because it is really too much to try to heal on your own. To get better - break the cycle. You really deserve to feel better. You really need help to get better. You can't do it alone through will power because it isn't addiction. It is trauma. The alcohol is there to cope. It's not going to get better until you treat your traumatized brain.
thank you armee, i needed to hear that. i need to work on getting help.
no drinks for 2 days, i should be happy, but i have been really depressed today. i know i need help. i don't know why i can not call for help.
Feeling depressed sucks...quite literally just sucks the will to do anything right out of you. I guess in a way that depression is keeping you safe right now...safe from drinking and safe from seeking help?
I'm sure there are lots of really good reasons not to seek help yet. It's scary, too much unknown, the change might feel worse than how you feel now, you might have to face things you aren't ready to face? I don't know...maybe you shouldn't get help? Maybe it's better this way?
maybe.... maybe i don't deserve help. maybe i can not handle help. maybe i don't know how to handle help... maybee i should just drink until i can not remember....
:hug:
You definitely deserve help but you may not feel like you do. I wish there were something I could do to help you see you deserve help and it'll be ok if you go slow.
hi Larry...
You sure do deserve help!!
What you don't deserve is that feeling of not being worthy of it.
I hope when the time is right, you find the right therapist to talk with.
I really did think I could do it without one.. mostly out of financial worries and time constraints.
I had a sticky note on my work desk that said "If you want a different result, do something different today", but it ticked me off too much so I got rid of it haha (just being honest)
I still think about it though and occasionally I even follow that advice... never with any regrets :)
Hope your day is better my friend.
I'm sorry, i had a really bad week, i didn't mean to be so negative.
I'm sorry you had a rough week. We all get them and fall deep into hopelessness. How's tonight?
things have been a little better, i am just trying to act normal. i know i need help, and i really want to get help. I just don't know if i can do it.
my wife has not had a drink in 27 days. she wants me to stop or at least slow down. that has been putting so much pressure on me, and i can not seem to do it. i feel like i am failing
I can't imagine the pressure you must be under from both yourself and your wife. Just remember you are not a failure no matter what happens. You are a good person and you are struggling but it isn't your fault. :grouphug:
Hi Larry,
We all just want the best for you :)
I think if your wife has already quit and is going to be a support for you, that's a pretty big thing she has done (whether she did it for herself or you or both).
I'm not trying to add to the pressure.. quite the opposite (I hope)... It's just an awesome thing if you can make the big changes together with your partner... it might be a golden opportunity is all, especially since you didn't have to convince her to get on board with you :) I just know it's way harder to do things without your partner and it's a real gift if you can do it together.
For me, I worry my wife wouldn't love what she sees if she saw the real me.. that's almost an hourly fear still to be honest. But I have to trust her.. it's gotten to where I have no choice. The alternative is too difficult for me alone. I kinda just give in to it, if that makes sense. I'm not obviously great at it still, but it gets easier, and it's hugely beneficial.
As for getting help, a funny thing this morning as I got a reminder call about my therapy appointment tomorrow. I had thought it was Thursday. I got so excited.. so weird but it was like christmas was coming a day early. We might not "want" help, but it just might be what we all really need and long for.
I'm going to talk to mine tomorrow about some of the things I still am too afraid to reveal anywhere, which is pretty cool tbh.
No matter what, like Armee says, you are a good person Larry and I join us all in wanting nothing more than to see you happy and healthy :hug:
Quote from: Larry on May 17, 2022, 12:52:13 AM
things have been a little better, i am just trying to act normal. i know i need help, and i really want to get help. I just don't know if i can do it.
my wife has not had a drink in 27 days. she wants me to stop or at least slow down. that has been putting so much pressure on me, and i can not seem to do it. i feel like i am failing
I know how hard this is, Larry. I'm really struggling with it too. I'm sick to death of cannabis and food but I can't seem to stop. The feeling of failing is a trap because it makes me angry at myself, and being angry at myself drives my problematic behaviour. It's all so frustrating!
i have been doing better with not over drinking. it has been over a week since i did, i still have a few , my wife went over 30 days without a drink, now she just will not stop. she drank 24 beers in a 24 hour day. she drinks until she passes out, when she wakes up, she starts again, for 2 weeks now. i really don't like it. i only had 4 drinks today. i don't know what to do. i feel like i over drink to hurt myself. i don't want to do that anymore. i am so tired of hurting others and myself.
Oh Larry. That must have been so scary. That is really scary.
i don't want to be like this. i try so hard. i have been reading, trying to learn how to help myself, i want to start therapy again. i really dont know what else to do. i am so confused. i feel better when i drink, until it is too much, i am so lost..... i just want to be normal.
i need help.. my wife is drinking again, i don't know what to do.
anyone here tonight?
I am not ready for the holiday season.... i want it to be over. i tried last year to start new memories. i can not do it this year !!!
I really need someone to talk to, i get so lonely and depressed, i don't want to drink, but i don't know what else to do.
Hi Larry :heythere: I hope you are okay. I'm also trying not to drink or do drugs.
:heythere: