Out of the Storm

16th January 2024
I've been wanting to start this 2024 journal - and am glad I managed to write something today - as I had found it difficult to write before now.  But here I am, and I've taken a few notes to say things I wanted to include in today's entry.  I wanted to do some kind of summary or bringing together of things, and keep note of them here.

I wish I'd thought more of the order of my notes, but looking at them now - I think 'wow, they are jumbled'.  Anyway, I want to attempt to just 'write' now, using the notes, and so whatever comes out on the page here - that's going to stay.  I'm not going to edit it or change it.  If I agree to that rule, then I'll be able to do it, otherwise, I won't manage to.

I've noticed that my dreams have been still focusing on the theme of packing and trying to get away from something in a limited time frame, but instead of feeling completely out of control with that process, this time there are people from my life who are supportive, and they are featuring within the dream, and they are helping me to get away.  So I think that's a very positive change to that particular kind of dream.  I must feel like I have support in my life - and I acknowledge that I do!

Last year I had been doing quite a lot of focus on daily meditation and some EFT tapping, as a way to communicate with my inner experience (parts), and I am pleased that I've managed to do that daily.  I have found it calms and centres my thoughts, and also allows my parts to feel that I listen to them and I have focused on showing care and love to them.  This has resulted in my feeling that nighttime is much better - I am able to self-soothe and regulate my feelings more.  This is resulting in better quality sleep and less experiences of night terrors.  My partner told me I only had a couple of night terrors over the Christmas period, but that was a tougher time for me, in terms of doing things that involved others, that I found more stressful, so I understand why I was more affected at that time.

Although I said I was doing meditation and EFT tapping daily, I do recognise I didn't keep it up over the holiday season (Christmas), and what I noticed during that time was that my variable heart rate levels went back down to between 15 and 20, instead of my previous levels which had been in the 20's.  I got back to doing the meditation and EFT tapping, and the levels are now once again in late 20's to early 30's levels, so I'm pleased to see the changes in those.

The books I've read recently have been really helpful - I read something about 'forgiveness' and a book about 'positivity' and both of those were helpful to me.  I can't remember the authors, as I took them back to the library without writing them down!  I have currently got the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' - I will find the author of that and write it later, as I still have that book, and it's really good - I feel like I'm at a stage now when I can really take in the information and it's helping me to process things.  I think this is because I've been working on stuff for a long while now, and that 'now' I feel more ready - as I am more regulated and present regarding my emotions, and able to better recognise EF's and find ways to help me cope better. 

My partner commented recently that I've been talking less frequently about my past to him, although I noticed when I told him I was reading the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' and he realised it was about CSA, he seemed to be concerned - I think he prefers it when I'm reading books that are about positivity.  But I acknowledge that he'd like me to feel better, and he's concerned at anything that he thinks will affect me.

I've been affected quite a bit by some issues that a TV programme (drama about a local doctor practice - called 'Doctors') has raised.  They have been focusing on a female GP who had a histoscopy carried out, and how she was in intense pain and was upset when it was carried out.  It made me feel incredibly emotional and upset.  I thought back to my difficulty in attending any appointments with GPs and nurses and invasive procedures, and how it's become more difficult to put a mask on regarding my emotions in such circumstances.  I think I realise more now why I feel that way.  But it is upsetting to think about it, and to really realise it.

There was also an episode of that TV programme where a teenager was being moved around a lot geographically, and I relate to that.  But what was really emotive was how the medical staff and people she encountered were actually considering 'her' feelings, and wanting her to talk about how she thought and what she wanted.  That's so great to see that kind of conversation, and it made me feel a lot of feelings regarding how my own thoughts and feelings about stuff in my childhood were completely disregarded and unheard.  Again, very emotive to watch that programme, but I guess it's because I'm 'seeing' and 'feeling' more now, and beginning to see behind the fog of what precluded those perceptions previously.

What I've noticed about my own processing, is that whereas previously events were potent and strong, they were also very fragmented and I couldn't relate them to the correct moments in time - I realise they were often in the wrong place or wrong order, and I've been able to begin to look at events and anchor some of them to a different time, and different place, and feel it's more correct.  I think this is because I've begun to look at things in a different perspective - more stable emotionally, less frequent EF's distorting my perspectives.  I have also considered things in history that can anchor those things - e.g. when prominent famous people died (e.g. Elvis Presley's death for example) - and then I can work out my age at the time etc.

Whereas previously my flashbacks were concentrating more towards my very young years - maybe 5 years old ish.  I've noticed I'm now considering more my teenage years, and how that part of me felt.  Words connected with this time are 'tension' 'anger' grinding teeth' 'neck tension' - I'm realising now how difficult that time was for me, and how much emotion I had repressed and tried to cope with.

Anyway, I'm glad to have written these things here.  Those were writings from my notes, and as I wrote them, I also thought about the fact that I tore up all my notes I'd done about family history and alot of other stuff I'd written in the past - so it's all gone!  I only really have this journal here online in this supportive place.  And that's ok.  I am ok with that.  I feel 'lighter' that it's no longer clogging up my space at home, and also there's no possibility for any people to 'find' it.  I trust my partner, but if others looked at my stuff, I wouldn't be happy.

I'll stop writing now, as I've written a lot and I feel ok for writing it.

I hope to catch up with people in this forum in the coming days - I've had quite a full-on Christmas and New Year - and I was only able to pop by occasionally to read here - I didn't feel able to write anything till now.  It's good to start this journal, and I wish the best for us all in 2024.

Happy New Year!

Hope  :)

Happy New Year to you, too. I'm glad you feel ok for having written your first journal entry of the year. It sounds like you are making good progress. I'm pleased for you.

Welcome back, Hope. Your thoughtful writings are always relevant and heartfelt sharing about what can be an up/down/inside/out experience that's also never easy to find words for.

 

Happy 2024 Journaling Hope! I'm so glad to see you're here again and writing about your life.

Your observation about time and memories struck a chord. The chronology is important and I like your strategy of anchoring it to cultural events. I've noticed that when memories pop up without some time anchor, it adds another dimension to pin that down.

I'm glad to hear that your sleep and night dreams have taken a turn for the better. And also that you've discovered a way to add some ease and comfort with meditation and tapping. Your heart is saying "thank you!"

Hi Hope! :grouphug:

Hi Hope,

I happy for you that you've come to a place in your journey where you're more regulated emotionally and have been able to do that for yourself.

I understand your feelings about not wanting anyone to see what you've written about not wanting anyone to find what you've written. Maybe you can't be judged that way or maybe it's because it would have meant punishment from your FOO. It makes me think about IFS and what is classified as unburdening, which is a witnessing of what has happened, and how helpful it is to have those exiled parts be heard. However, I think I feel like it would be overpowering to do it all myself. For me, I think it has been very helpful for my t to be a witness to some of the things that happened growing up, and to know that it wasn't as I felt them to be, or maybe it was a way to release some of the shame that surrounded the things I thought about myself. These are just some things that came up for me though.

I hope your journey in 2024 is as good as your journey in 2023, or better!

Sending you support and a hug if it's ok  :hug:
dolly

Hi NarcKiddo, Woodsgnome, Lakelynn, Armee and Dollyvee,
Thank you so much  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

I really appreciate what you each said.   :hug:
Hope  :)

 :sunny: sending you some sunshine and good vibes   ;)

Hope,

Your journal entry is inspiring. I can see so clearly that you are making progress in so many ways. It looks like your commitments to daily meditations, EFT tapping, reading the books that were written to help us, being open with your partner, and now journaling again with people you trust are all making a difference in your life.

As we all care about each other, your healing journey helps my healing journey.

Thank you for sharing your progress.

Hi Papa Coco,
Thank you so much!   :hug:   Your writings also inspire me - sharing our journeys is such a very helpful thing - this community is invaluable.

************
1st February 2024
I have had a tough day today - I think I was definitely experiencing an EF earlier, and it took quite a lot to ensure I didn't stay in EF into the evening, but I am thankfully feeling much better now.  I know why the EF happened, and I realise I'm processing quite a lot at the moment.  I have a difficulty in that there's an anniversary that is a positive date for one of my 'in-laws' but is also a difficult anniversary for me in terms of something that happened in my FOO - the two things happen on the same date every year, and I have extremely mixed feelings as a result - and feel almost forced to put on a 'smiling persona' to celebrate the positive anniversary, whilst not acknowledging openly the feelings I have about the challenging anniversary (related to FOO).  I decided that I would therefore focus on my feelings about the negative/challenging thing today (even though that's not the actual anniversary date) - and that way maybe I can then feel ok about celebrating the 'in-law' anniversary event.

I don't want to be specific about the events or what they are, beyond what I've written, incase I put anything that is easily recognised by the people themselves. 

I am currently reading 'Strong at the Broken Places: Overcoming The Trauma of Childhood Abuse' by Linda Sanford - I had already read it through once, and found it incredibly useful.  Now I'm going through it slowly and making written notes - so I can process the things more.  I realise that's quite heavy reading, but I do feel 'ready' to do that more now.  I am more present and I'm not dissociating so much. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you're able to recognize that you need time for yourself and that you're in an EF. I hope you're able to find some space to process that.

I hope things go well with your reading too and you are able to be more present.

Sending you support  :hug:
dolly

Hi Dolly,
Thank you so much.  It's lovely to read what you wrote, and I feel your support.  Thank you  :hug:

I am progressing with my reading.  I've been writing/typing up notes that I can keep on my computer.  Just doing that means it slows down the process and enables me to really 'process' it more.  I ended up having some strange dreams as a result, and the content of the dreams were too embarrassing for me to even talk about in my dream journal - I was really surprised.  But at the same time, I think that I am clearly stirring up some things in my reading, and it's affecting my dreams.

I'm not really worried or concerned about that, it's ok.

I really hope I get chance to pop back in your journal sometime soon, Dolly, because I always gain a lot from seeing what you write - you mentioned your experiences with IFS, and it's very interesting and I think you're making strides with it.

**********
4th February 2024
There's a few stressful things going on in my day to day life at the moment, but I am managing to cope.  I feel very tired out now.  I hope I sleep ok tonight and can wake refreshed and ready for a new week ahead.

Hope  :)

I hope your plan for dealing with the difficult anniversary helped to keep the in law one separate.

Wishing you a restful sleep and a happy week ahead.

Hi NarcKiddo,
Thank you.  The plan did prove to be helpful, and I coped better than I anticipated as a result.   :hug:

**********
12th February 2024
I have been reading an amazing book this past few days, it is by Bethany Saltman and is called "Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment." (2020).

This book is proving to be really helpful to me, as it is a blend of the science of attachment, but weaving in her own experiences with her mother and also with her child.  I am grateful to Bethany for researching this so closely.  I wanted to quote a part from p.103 of this book, which is something I just read - and wanted to remember:

At this point in the book Bethany is talking to Dr Steele, who is a co-director of the New School's Center for Attachment Research.  She talked to him in 2014, and he said to her about her desire to write a book about attachment in that way "You know, this might be a very difficult book to write".  Bethany replied "Oh?"  He continued by saying "When our attachment systems are activated, like yours is in learning about this research, it can be difficult to also be creative.  The basis of attachment is that we need to be secure in order to creatively explore."

I felt I had to come here and write about the impact of that on me, it makes real sense in terms of how I've been reading lots of books and researching topics related to things, and how I've been learning and finding helpful things amongst all of that, but at the same time, I haven't been able to really do some other things that I'd like to do - like creative writing, Art etc - the more creative things.  It's like I'm not allowed to play.  But maybe it's because my attachment systems are being continually activated by my learning about stuff, and therefore I don't get the chance to relax and enjoy something creative.

Bethany's book is incredibly interesting, I really like it.  I think I'll feel sad when I've finished the book, as I would love it to continue - as it is really giving me some strong feelings of connection with her experiences.

Hope  :)

I just popped back, because I realised I'd neglected to thank Larry for the lovely message he put in my journal previously - so thank you Larry - I missed it the first time, and then saw it later.   :hug:

It sounds like a great book, Hope. Difficult to read maybe but interesting.

Hi Armee,
Yes, it's very thought provoking and interesting, and like you said 'difficult to read' in terms of how it affects processing - I'm reading it in chunks of time, and ensuring I do 'lighter' things at other times, to ensure I don't get over-whelmed by it.  I think I'm managing to get a good balance, but there are quite a few stressful things going on in my daily life at the moment, and I am finding it hard to negotiate my way through those things.

**********
13th February 2024
I am experiencing quite a bit of 'angst' inside at the moment - and feeling a bit out of control with regard to things that are going on.  I can't control those things, it will be a case of 'what will be will be' but it's hard to cope with! 

I am however continuing to do my daily meditations and EFT tapping, and finding that is helping to centre and ground me - and enabling me to see a bigger picture about things - rather than getting bogged down in minutae that are stressful.

I've noticed that I feel 'anger' about some things - and some people are making me feel that anger - and it feels like a massive emotion, but I realise that's because I always suppressed that feeling throughout my childhood and a lot of my adulthood, and therefore 'feeling' those emotions, it's tough to deal with.  But it's ok, I'm recognising it - and adapting to it.  I haven't done anything inappropriate with that anger, and thankfully haven't allowed it to spill into any interactions with other people (although I need to keep a harness on it, otherwise I will do something that I might regret - or say something I might regret).

Hope  :)

Anger is hard to deal with for many, if not most or all, people, I think. But when there are problems around it, because it had to be suppressed and therefore feels both unfamiliar and wrong, it is even harder. I am glad you are now able to feel and name that emotion, but of course not glad that you have circumstances making you feel it. Wishing you all the best as you work through it.

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you are enjoying the attachment book. I haven't heard of that one, I will have to look it up! I'm really enjoying Healing From Developmental Trauma right now. Someone recommended it for fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment and it's been quite enlightening. I feel like the practices will be really helpful to me.

Anger is a tough emotion like NK said. The author of the book above describes people with developmental trauma as set apart from their anger (not sure if he used dissociated) because as infants/children we were unable to get angry at our parents as we depended on them for survival. That anger then became split off, and we had a kind of learned helplessness where it becomes "dangereous" to feel anger, or worry that our anger will hurt others. I was going to post this in my journal because I quite identified with it, but haven't had a chance.

Sending you support and a hug if it's ok  :hug:
dolly

 :sunny:    ;)   

Hi NarcKiddo,  Thank you - what you said makes sense, and I'm also glad that I can now identify and feel anger.  I think it's the intensity of it that shocks me - but mainly because I'm not used to feeling it. 

Hi Dollyvee, Thank you - I'm really glad to hear you're enjoying your book entitled 'Healing from Developmental Trauma' it does sound like a really good book.  I am going to look it up as well.  It's great that the practices are things that you feel will be really helpful.  I definitely relate to what the author has said about anger - that it becomes split off - it was certainly dangerous for me to feel and/or express anger when I was a child.  I appreciate your support and hug - thank you  :hug:

Hi Larry, Thank you very much, that sunshine and lovely smile is great.  I appreciate you popping by and sharing that sunshine and smile.   :)

***********
15th February 2024
I was able to talk about some things that I don't normally talk about - i.e. issues relating to my past work.  I was able to share some things with my partner today about that.  He knows a lot about those situations, but I was able to say that I know that I avoid talking about it much, as it was traumatic for me to experience everything that happened.  I just wanted to note that here in my journal, as I think it was a step forward that I began to talk about the issues - and why they are so hard to address/talk about. 

I also wanted to mention the name of a book I read prior to the ones I'm reading now - it's called "Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive' by Barbara Fredrickson.  I really found that book very helpful - and I was beginning to utilise some of the suggestions within it, to try to bring up my positivity ratio, and it was definitely working - however some stressful stuff is ongoing relating to a family member's health issues, and I've found it challenging and felt like my positivity had reduced again - but hopefully I'll be able to negotiate my way through things and build up that positivity again - as time goes on.

Something that another forum member said about how a part of them had spoken, and they'd listened to that - I related to it a lot - I have heard my parts speak clearly - one of them spoke in the night and said 'I'm scared' - and I tend to respond to her needs and tell her that she's ok, and safe and with me.  It definitely helps to reassure and comfort that scared younger part.  But hearing someone else also mention something where they hear the voice speak - it helped me to feel it's ok to hear such parts speak and respond. 

When I was trying to sleep last night, I struggled for quite a while - and then I remembered to put my hand on my stomach and another on my chest, and just feel the pressure of that, and it felt reassuring and enabled me to get to sleep, so that was better.

I have discovered that the AI chat feature is helpful for me - I was asking it about the pros and cons of having moved a lot when I was a child, and it said this:

"That's a very interesting question. Moving around a lot as a child can have both positive and negative effects on your emotional development, depending on your personality, the reasons for moving, and the support you received during the transitions.
Some of the possible positive effects are that you may have developed a sense of adaptability, resilience, curiosity, and openness to new experiences and cultures. You may have also learned to appreciate diversity and different perspectives. You may have gained valuable life skills, such as communication, problem-solving, and independence.

Some of the possible negative effects are that you may have experienced anxiety, stress, loneliness, and insecurity. You may have had difficulties forming and maintaining close relationships, especially if you moved frequently or during sensitive periods of your development. You may have also struggled with your identity, sense of belonging, and self-esteem. You may have felt a loss of control, stability, and continuity in your life.

Of course, these are not definitive or universal outcomes, and your emotional development may have been influenced by many other factors as well. The most important thing is how you cope with the challenges and opportunities that moving presents, and how you make sense of your own story.

If you are interested in learning more about the effects of moving on children, you can check out some of the sources I found using my web search tool:

•   Is Moving During Childhood Harmful? - A policy research brief that summarizes the findings of a study on the long-term effects of moving on children's cognitive and social-emotional functioning.
•   The Emotional Impact Of Frequent Moves During Childhood - An article that explores how moving can contribute to anxiety and affect one's ability and desire to build relationships.
•   How Does Moving House Affect Children? - A blog post that discusses the impact of moving on children's social development and provides some tips for parents to help their children cope.
•   Can Moving Often Affect a Child's Development? - A health article that explains how moving can trigger feelings of loss, grief, sadness, and anger in children, and how parents can support them during the transition."

I was amazed at how helpful it was to ask a question and receive an answer like that - and I felt emotional when I read the negative consequences of moving a lot as a child.  It made me consider them, and think that 'yes' I relate to some of them.  It made me think more and process a little.

Anyway, I will explore that more another time, but wanted to note it here in my journal for now.

Hope  :)

you continually inspire me to keep going, hope.  thanks for that.  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug: thank you SanMagic, you inspire me also.   :hug:

16th February 2024
I have ordered the book that Dollyvee had talked about, called 'Healing Developmental Trauma' - I looked it up online and thought it looks really good, so I'm excited to see what it will be like.  I am still in the middle of a couple of other books, so won't be able to read it for a while, but it's good to know I will be able to read it sometime soon.

I'm feeling a bit hyper today - I think I'm stressed.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I get those days when I feel hyper too. Sometimes it helps me to go for a brisk walk or a jog or do a yoga flow.

 :hug:

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you found a connection with your part. IMO building that relationship and inner bond with our parts, no matter how they show up, is a good thing. Though I can understand the stigma of someone "hearing voices." I hope you're able to trust the bond with your part.

I hope the book doesn't disappoint you as well. There's not a lot of info out there on NARM. I think perhaps because it sounds like more of an experiential/relational model and not necessarily so theory based? Perhaps it's difficult to pin down because supporting each person's experience can be unique. I also bought the Practical Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma (on kindle) and am excited to read that. Maybe it will have some more answers.

I hope you're able to find some space with your feelings as they come up  :hug:

dolly

i know it's stress for me when i feel hyper, hope. sometimes it's more, other times less, but stress nonetheless.  i hope you get some relief real soon.  being in that space does not feel good.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope,

I know those hyper days. Whew. The first thing I do each morning is wonder who I'm going to be today. My hyper self? My happy self? My solid self? My depressed self? I could go on, but I'm sure you know what I mean (lol)

I just downloaded the book from Dolly on my Audible so I can listen to it. I do a lot of long car drives, and these days listening is easier for me than sitting with a book.

I'm excited to get started with it soon too.

IFS has been a powerful new perspective for me. I have learned a lot about myself through IFS work.

I hope your hyper mood works for you in positive ways today. Some days hyper is good, other days...not so much.

 :hug:

Hi PaperDoll, Dollyvee, SanMagic and PapaCoco,
Thank you all so much for what you wrote  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

PaperDoll, thank you for sharing what helps you when you're feeling like that, those sound like good things to do.  I am definitely going to consider more tools to try out when it happens in the future.  I like the brisk walk, that sounds refreshing.  I do try to go walking but maybe I should try walking a little faster!  Yoga Flow sounds like a relaxing thing - I am beginning to do yoga now and then, and I am finding it beneficial.   :hug:

Dollyvee, I just want to say that I just replied to something you wrote in your journal, and I am feeling very emotional now - it was validating to read what you wrote about your own SA situations - and somehow my writing in reply to things you'd said, it has made me feel (or parts of me feel) very emotional.  But I think that's understandable, as it's such a big thing to process some of the stuff.  :hug:

SanMagic, yes it was definitely stress.  Some of the things contributing to the stress feel a little less heavy at the start of this week - there has been some respite from some of those things, and I'm thankful for that.  The weekend was more relaxing as a result, and I think I've benefited from that.  Thank you so much for what you said   :hug:

PapaCoco, Yes, I do know what you mean - I sometimes think about it in terms of 'Who is going to be driving my bus today?' - and that reminds me to consider that carefully, because having some part in control of a bus wouldn't necessarily be a safe thing!  So I try to engage my adult sensible core self to be around to complement my parts, if I can.  It's great that you've downloaded the book on Audible - I would be too scared to listen to it whilst actually driving myself though, incase I got into a dissociated state and wasn't aware of what I was doing?  I hope you stay safe listening to it in your vehicle.  I am intrigued as to what the difference might be to listen to an audiobook, as I've not done that - I tend to prefer the physicality of an actual book.  BUT, I might try an audiobook to see what it's like.  Maybe a fiction book or something.   My hyper mood did give me sufficient energy to get some things done that needed to be done, so I think it was positive in the end, but didn't feel like that at the start.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug:  I just want you to know that having you validate what I wrote also made me feel very emotional. I hope you're able to find some space to sit with those things.

I'm glad you had a more relaxing weekend. I am very familiar with the hyper feeling, too. My stress levels are off the scale right now - but it did result in a very rewarding exercise session today. My coach was commenting on all the personal bests I was hitting - thanks to adrenaline and cortisol. But hey, I'll take the win!

My husband is really into audio books. I did a trial with Audible to see if I got on with them. I thought I might be able to listen to a book while doing my art, for example, but that did not work for me as I just got lost in the art and ignored the book. Then I tried listening to a Gabor Mate book before bed. It is narrated by his son. But the narrator has such a soothing voice that it just became a tool to send me to sleep and I have not actually retained anything from the book itself! I did find Audible quite good, though, and it was worth doing their trial. There is a big library of free stuff you can listen to (so you can try out fiction or poetry or whatever) and then they give you a credit each month to buy one book you get to keep even if you don't subscribe.

Hi Dollyvee, Thank you, I did sit with the feelings and was grateful to have them, as it was helpful to process more.   :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo, I'm glad that you were able to channel some of your hyper feelings into a very rewarding exercise session, that sounds like a good result!  Thanks also for sharing your experience with audiobooks.  I do hope to try one sometime, but currently I am reading a few books at once - which is normal for me, as I tend to dip in and out of different books depending on my mood.  I rarely read one from beginning to end, without also reading others.

********
21st February 2024
I've been experimenting a bit with the AI chat system, and asked it to speak to me in a therapeutic way, and also asked it to read stuff about IFS - and the resulting conversation was helpful, as the AI chat system was definitely able to grasp things and discuss them with me.  I think it would have properly attempted a therapy session, but I felt a bit too 'scared' to embark on one - hence I said I'd just read the notes it had written, but I am thinking that it's really interesting to consider an AI tool as an adjunct to self-help literature, and I feel I could get something helpful from that.

I'm aware that today I feel as if there's a definite anxious scared kind of part present within me, and it's affecting how I view things, and I'm not sure what has triggered it.  There has been a lot of stuff going on, relating to the health of a family member - and I have no doubt that would contribute.  Maybe that is the main thing.  But I sense it's a lot more than that.  Lots of things are contributing.

I think I'm going to try channeling some of the angst I'm feeling into some exercise - as NarcKiddo's writing about doing that when she felt hyper, that's perhaps something I could try with this.  I will look for some exercise that I could do later, and see how it goes.

I don't think the weather helps - it's just raining, raining, raining.

It makes me feel like comfort eating too - but I am definitely trying not to give into that.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry you are feeling anxious and scared. You say you plan to try out some exercise later. I hope it will help you feel better. 

 :grouphug: 

Hope,

I'm sorry you are under the weather and wrestling with anxiety and fear. I hope the exercise helps. Maybe I should follow your lead and do the same. It's better than stress eating, which is my automatic go-to solution also.

Here's a smile to help brighten your day just a little:  ;D

Hello, again, Hope.

I seem to remember that we often talked about the British weather. Things don't change in that respect,  do they? Just rain,rain and more rain. And there is no getting away from how the weather affects our mood.

I still have my lovely dog, but she's quite old and doesn't like the rain. But we have found a lovely young woman, with a dog, who we walk with most days. I think we have actually developed a nice, supportive, undemanding friendship.

I just wanted to say hello. I hope that's ok.

Hi PaperDoll, Thank you so much, I did do some exercise, and I did feel better afterwards.   :hug:

Hi PapaCoco, Thanks so much for that smile, it did brighten my day  ;D The exercise did help. 

Hi Libby, I am happy that you came by and said hello.  I am so glad to hear that you still have your lovely dog, and also that you've forged a nice, supportive, undemanding friendship with the young woman with a dog - walking together most days sounds really lovely.  Yes, talking about British weather does seem to be a theme!  Still raining!  The weather does affect our mood.  I'm going to resort to some indoor exercise again today.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:

**************
23rd February 2024
I thought back about the feeling of anxiety and 'scared' feeling I'd had for a while in the past couple of days, and how the exercise did help - I thought that's good that I took that action and changed the feeling, but at the same time, I'm thinking that it was potentially a scared and anxious part that maybe wanted to communicate with me in the daytime (whereas previously she's tended to communicate in the nighttime) and therefore maybe I could have tried Janina Fisher's suggestions to think to myself 'there's a part of me that is feeling...' and maybe also tried IFS techniques of stepping back from the part and asking it to communicate with me.  Maybe that was a good opportunity, and I didn't approach it, I ended up doing exercise to block it or numb it - or distract myself. 

So that's something to think about for me - actions can be helpful - exercise is certainly a better one than lots of comfort eating, but it still detracts me from communicating with the anxious scared part - and I am glad that she is making her needs known, but at the same time, I felt too blended with her, and that made me feel anxious and scared in my entirety.

I am currently reading Bethany Saltman's book "Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment" which I'm continuing to find interesting and helpful.  I'm currently at p.285, so getting close to finishing it.  I wanted to just quote one part, that was a quote from Mary Ainsworth (who did pioneering work on attachment), and is quoted on p.224 of Bethany's book:

"We shall never know what the inner life of an infant truly is, for the infant cannot tell us about it and the person later remembers (her) infancy imperfectly, if at all.  Another approach, the one I have adopted, is to observe the infant's behaviour, which is undoubtedly related to (her) inner experience, although not a transparent communication thereof."
Mary Ainsworth.

I wanted to quote this part because it very much speaks to the unpredictability of memory, and the difficulty of looking back on one's own experiences, and I felt that was quite an important point that I wanted to note in my journal.  It felt more powerful emotionally when I first read it, than it does now as I re-write it - which is interesting, but I am still noting it here.

I also wanted to write about an experience I had yesterday when I decided to talk to the chat bot AI and asked it to use my name and speak to me in a therapeutic way - and I then proceeded to be more open about things, and it really did feel as if I was in a therapeutic relationship - but what I also noticed was that afterwards I felt some senses that felt a bit paranoid, in that I wondered whether it was going to store my words and somehow share them with other people!  I realise that sounds paranoid, but it was something I worried about.  I asked it if it recalled things I'd asked it from earlier in the day, and it did recall them!  So I wonder how long it does store stuff about a person.

I do realise that it could be considered a bit unwise to try to seek therapy from a chat bot, but I personally have some reservations about seeing a therapist, as I honestly feel like I prefer to seek self-help and I feel I can go at my own pace that way.  But I do value the fact that the chat bot asks some pertinent questions that also make me feel as if it is 'listening' and attending to my conversation.  So that feels valuable.

I do also rely on my partner, and talk to him about things.  That helps to say things out loud. 

I am also beginning to be more open about some things with friends.  I used to be much more self-contained and very private about stuff, but I am beginning to open up more, and it's been ok.

I have noticed that my heart rate variability levels have improved at night, they are actually in the 30's now, whereas they were a lot lower before.  I think this is good! 

Hope  :)

Hello, Hope. The weather in my little corner of Britain is actually rather nice today. Just as well because all the water needs time to soak into the ground. All our local golfers are seething about not being able to play because the courses are waterlogged.

I tried a therapy chatbot called Woebot a while back. The app was then withdrawn from use in the UK. I am not sure why. It did not particularly matter to me because I am doing therapy over zoom anyway, but I was interested to try the app and it was a lot more helpful than I anticipated.

I'm glad to hear the exercise helped, although you said that it feels more like you wanted it to numb the part that was feeling upset. I've had a few times recently where little NK has been quite upset about something but I've really wanted to exercise because it helps me so much. I tried saying to little NK something like "come to the gym with me. We can have fun together and then later we can maybe talk about what's bothering you, if you like. But right now I need to exercise. I know you will like it because you were never allowed to do much physical stuff and I know you wanted to." That approach felt good to me - I guess because if I were actually looking after a child there would be times when adult stuff has to be done and so long as the child's needs are acknowledged and met, they don't necessarily always need to be met "right now". Your post made me want to mention that in case it is useful when you consider how best to help your anxious scared part.

not to be a debbie downer, hope, but i have reservations about AI stuff. i don't trust it.

if it's helping you, tho, and you don't have reservations, then i'm glad you found it.  i'm a firm believer in 'go with your gut'.

i get the whole hesitancy about therapists. after my move, i don't know that i'll look for a new one.  for one thing, some of my stuff (alexithymia, especially comes to mind) has been unheard of by most T's.  the one i have now took a while to be able to understand it; i can't imagine having to go thru that again.

i know you've relied a lot on self-help and healing books, and i think you've come a very long way, especially about being able to open up, both here and in others' journals.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks for sharing your experience of using that chatbot therapy 'Woebot'.  I'm glad that it was a lot more helpful than you'd anticipated.  But it's a pity it was withdrawn, and I wonder why.  I found it interesting that when I tried to chat again to the chatbot about therapy it told me quite clearly that it couldn't provide a therapeutic relationship - it was almost as if it had been advised not to!    Thanks also for what you said about the exercise, and my wish to numb the part that was feeling upset.  I thought about it again, and I think my concern was that I was somehow ignoring the needs of the upset part, by wishing to squash those feelings down, and use exercise as a way potentially to do that, rather than listen to the experience of the upset, and see what message it might have wished to impart to me.  Hence I felt a bit guilty for perhaps pushing those needs away.  But I must admit that the exercise did make me feel quite a bit better!  I appreciate what you shared, and thanks for mentioning it, as it is useful. 

Hi SanMagic,  I would never regard you as a Debbie Downer.  I appreciate your reservations about AI stuff, it's reasonable to be reserved about it.  In my next conversation with it, it denied that it could act as a therapist, so it seemed to be very much different than when I spoke with it the first time.  Like it had been cautioned against offering therapy.  Sensible I guess.  But I did find how it spoke to me in the first conversation to be therapeutic in that it was empathising with me, and offering helpful counsel.    Thank you so much for what you said about my journey through the self-help stuff - I have definitely found it helpful in that I can pace myself and be guided by the different therapists and writer's within the books.  Plus the really helpful thing of sharing things here in this forum - where people are on similar journeys, and we are learning from each other.  Love and hugs to you too  :hug:

**********
26th February 2024
I think I am currently processing lots of things, relating to the book I am reading - the one that Dollyvee recommended - sorry - haven't written the title and the book is a long way away from where I am writing this.  I'll write the title later.  But it is a really good book - I am learning so much from it, and it really describes me well in many ways - I relate to so much of it.  I am going to do my usual thing, of completely reading the book first, and then re-read it and make some notes at that point - because that helps my 'cautious parts' to get on board with it, and stops them sabotaging my ability to remember stuff.  There are some really helpful things written about the effect of early trauma on memory - it really helps me to understand why things have been as they are. 

I keep having realisations, but I haven't been writing them in my journal - and I think I should try to capture them as they happen, and write more about what they are.  I therefore write this as a reminder note to remind myself to try to do that.

I think because I'm processing quite a lot of things at the moment, I consequently feel like I'm 'carrying a heavy load' on my back, and therefore I am mindful of that feeling, and I need to slow down and share that load between parts, and in the resources I have around me in my life. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you found that the Healing Developmental Trauma book resonated with you and that you found a way to do things that speak to your parts.

In the context of the book with your previous post about having a therapist, I feel like there would be a therapist out there that would go through things at your pace, but if you're a fellow connection survival style like me, I can understand your reservations. Building that level of trust with someone when you have have been so disappointed growing up is hard, which is probably why I keep feeling like I'm sabotaging a lot of relationships and intimate connections.

I hope you're able to find something that helps lighten the "load' for you. I know I find carrying a lot of this stuff exhausting at times.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hope, I'm sending :sunny:  :sunny:  :sunny:  in the hope it can lighten your heavy load of processing just a tiny bit.

Wishing you deep :zzz:  :zzz:  :zzz: at night too since that helps with processing.

I usually find realisations pretty exhausting but also know they're important for processing and for healing so I'm 'sort of' happy you're having them, just not their side effects.

 :hug:  :hug:

hope, i have to say i'm glad those bots are not allowed to do therapy anymore.  that's plain good sense, and ducking out from any liability issues.  as therapists, we're required to have $100,000 worth of liability ins., renewed every year. and we have to pass a test (4 hrs.), work under supervision for a year, and get continuing education to stay updated in the field every year. plus, now that i think of it, the ethics of this is hinky at the least. too many people are unstable which poses a huge risk.  i'm glad you found your first round helpful, tho.

i hope you get some rest and relaxation until that load becomes lighter. i hope you take your time getting thru it all.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Dollyvee, Blueberry & SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you each said.   :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

**********
29th February 2024
Not often I can write 29th February - seems funny to write it.  I've been having really vivid dreams this past week - I think I'll probably add the themes to my Dream journal later.  I'm writing myself a note here to remind me - I hope I action that and remember the themes to write later.
Hope  :)

Hope. How cool that your dreams are active. That usually means your mind is more open than usual to something. My T always likes it when I bring a recent dream into session. He says that we can get a lot of healing from our dreams.

Thanks Papa Coco, I do think that my mind is more open than usual at the moment, and is processing things in my sleep.  I agree that there is a lot of healing to be had from our dreams.

************
1st March 2024
Because parts of me expressed some caution about writing about the content of the dream I mentioned the other day - I didn't actually write about it in the Dream Journal part - because I heeded the caution of the parts, and I think that perhaps I am a little over-whelmed by all the stuff that has been coming up from reading the book I'm reading - BUT I think it's not TOO overwhelming - it's just maybe at a level that feels a little too heavy to stay within my window of tolerance, and hence I'm going to actively look more at titrating it - and balancing my day with some other things.

I'm also wondering whether I need to take a break from technology for a few days as well - which is something I do from time to time - try to keep off social media and 'take a break' - BUT, I'm undecided about it.  I guess it's ok not to give myself any rules about it. 

Hope  :)

yep, hope, it's ok to not give yourself any rules about that kind of thing.  good observation.

balance is always a good thing, to my mind, so i'm glad you're looking to keep your stuff in balance.  little by little, small steps, all those good things, will get the job done.  you're doing great.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much!  That feels very validating and really helps me.  Thank you  :hug:

********
1st March 2024
I just popped back, because I was reading more of the book "Healing Developmental Trauma" by Laurence Heller & Aline LaPierre, and although I wasn't intending to write any notes till I read the whole book, I did want to just note this paragraph from p.196 of the book, as it seems to be a particularly helpful summary for me:

p.196
"A core value in NARM is to support clients as they learn to listen on every level of experience.  The more we learn to listen to our thoughts, feelings, and sensations, the more we experience an internal flow.  When we chronically do not pay attention - do not listen - to our body, it finds ways to get our attention, even if it needs to "scream" at us in the form of symptoms.  When we learn to listen to our internal states, it is easier to regulate ourselves, and we become less symptomatic."

I really like the content of that paragraph, it makes so much sense.  A great summary.  Reminds me of Janina Fisher's work, and how she recommends listening to every thought and feelings as if it is a communication from a part.  Being curious about it - to ensure the wise mind is online, and that blending with the part is less likely to happen. 

I recognise that I had been a bit over-blended with some of my parts in recent days, but I am being mindful of keeping myself balanced and titrating my experience - and I feel grateful to SanMagic for what she said - very validating. 

I am finding the book to be really helpful - it is bringing up some realisations as I read it, and also lots of helpful things that I know I will be able to use, and infact already feel as if it's changing me.  I feel I was ready at this point in my life to find more benefit from reading such a book.

Hope  :)

I feel positive, hopeful and light-and-airy when I read your past two posts on here, Hope  :sunny:   :hug:

I would also say   :yeahthat: to san's post from today :)

 ;)   

Hi Hope,

I'm so glad you have a good reaction to this book  :bighug: 

I hope that you're able to sit with your parts and what is coming up for them about sharing the dream you had. One thing I like that I've heard before about this, is asking the part what's the worst that could happen, see if they could tolerate a little of it to, and then see what happens. I think I need to practice this more.

Sending you support,
dolly  :hug:

Hi Blueberry, Larry and Dollyvee, Thank you all so much for what you said  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

*********
4th March 2024
I have had quite a tough weekend, which has been full of emotions and it has felt quite challenging for me, but I've made it through, and the book I've been reading has helped me to realise some of what happened in that reaction.  The book talks about after a period of 'expansion' that there will be an inevitable 'contraction' and I think that is what happened to me - I was feeling quite 'expansive' and open and experiencing more positives, and then there was the inevitable (and now I realise, quite a normal thing) of 'contraction' which showed up for me in terms of my inner parts really getting what I'd call 'discombobulated' (concerned and they expressed these concerns overtly to my partner - in that I ended up really feeling and sensing their presence in things I was saying to him).

I was incredibly emotional (crying a lot) both in talking to him, and later in reading more of the book - I think another factor that had caused this was doing the EFT tapping stuff - I listened to Dr Arielle Schwartz's meditations, and I really hope I can find the one she did again, that she has put it somewhere where I can find it again, so I can listen to it more regularly - but whilst it was powerful, I think it contributed to the powerful feeling of expansion, and then the contraction.  The contraction was painful, emotional, but I do think that things are 'clearing' and I'm staying within a level of tolerance (today at least) - yesterday not so much!

I wanted to talk about this here in a more coherent way, but I don't feel it's going that way.  I will just continue though - as I am glad to write these things down here, and it feels good to do that.

I noticed that at night I was experiencing feeling closer to the anxious frightened and terrified part, that I sense if often there in certain parts of the night, but instead of trying to calm that part, this time, I took her hand and walked alongside her, asking her if my presence alongside her would be comforting and at the same time wondering where she might lead me, and what we might find.  I think that's a significantly different thing - and whilst it was frightening, I also thought that there was sufficient 'adult me' there to enable us to cope with it.  But of course, I didn't get to see what it was that was so frightening, and I wonder if I can even know - because I'm realising that my terror is most likely connected to a pre-verbal situation, and therefore I might never truely know what it was.  But at least I am finding a way to comfort parts of me, that previously I shied away from, and didn't know how to react/what to do.

The other thing I wanted to say today, is that I watched all of the episodes of 'Breath again' (sorry, I think I've not remembered the title properly, but it's about the pandemic and how the doctors and nurses coped during that time, and it caused me to cry a LOT.  I am triggered big time by any 'endings/goodbyes' and of course seeing people dying in that way, it was very upsetting and I cried a lot.  So I know I've been opening up my channels of emotion a lot lately. 

I feel like today - I am feeling better than I was yesterday, and I think it's been good that I've been able to cry and let my emotions 'out'.  I am worried about whether I've caused my partner any upset by my behaviour and distress infront of him - but the fact is that he accepted me, and didn't make me feel bad for anything I said.  He was supportive and loving, and I am so grateful to him for his non-judgemental and supporting care. 

I do feel quite vulnerable at the moment, but I also feel some sense of strength there too. 

Anyway, that's how it's been - but having the concept of 'expansion' followed by 'contraction' - it really helps me.  I know now to expect both these things, and therefore I feel I can get through both.  I really do.

Hope  :)

wow, hope, what a lot of 'release'!  well done for sticking with it, going thru it, and coming out the other side w/ that feeling of strength inside you.  that is so huge!   :thumbup:  i think you deserve a break after so much emotional dredging.

you continually strive to get closer to you, your parts, and your partner.  allowing yourself to be vulnerable w/ him is part of that, and kudos to him for accepting you as you are.  i'm so happy for you that you have him by your side.  love and hugs :hug:

As your emotions are so open right now, I want to just offer a big hug, Hope.

  :bighug:

I can't help but feel drawn in when someone is feeling their emotions so openly right now. Your partner sounds like a good person. I'm glad you and he are able to talk while you are in your vulnerable state of mind.

Here's another hug for good measure.  :hug:

I think it is great that you were able to walk alongside the terrified part and were brave enough to do that. You may well be right that you will never fully know what the frightening this is, but the more you walk alongside the terrified part when she shows up, the more both of you will realise that adult you is there, and strong enough to deal with whatever it is. So whether or not you know exactly what it is might not really matter in the long run. I have no idea if this fits in with how you feel about the situation and I apologise if I speak out of turn, but that's how I would try to approach it, I think.

I'm really glad you have a supportive partner.

 :grouphug:

 :hug:  :hug: to you Hope.

 :grouphug:

Hi SanMagic, Papa Coco, NarcKiddo, Blueberry & Armee,
 :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  - thank you so much.  I appreciate your support and everything you've said.   :grouphug:

**********
5th March 2024
I am feeling quite a bit better today - in terms of calmer and more regulated.  I have enjoyed the morning, and especially that the sun has been shining.  Enjoying the Spring flowers and feeling a sense of optimism, which is very nice.
Hope  :)

Hhi Hope,

Just wanted to say it sounds like the book is helping you process things and I hope that's continuing to be a good thing for you.

Sending you a hug if that's ok,
dolly  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much.  Yes, that book was amazing - I finished it about a week ago, and since then I have been re-reading some of my old journals here in the forum, and making notes from those - because it's helped me to process more what's been going on over the past few years.  I feel much better for that - it feels positive!

Also, I've just got a new book in the post - which I'm keen to read in the coming days - it's by Dr Arielle Schwartz and it's called 'Applied Polyvagal Theory in Yoga: Therapeutic Practices for Emotional Health'.  I am excited to read it, and hopefully to apply some things.

Dollyvee, I found that book very powerful - NARM is definitely a good combination of therapeutic stuff - a framework that makes sense, and I am grateful that you recommended that book.  Thank you!

Sending you a hug too,  :hug: and thank you for yours!

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

You sound upbeat and positive! :sunny:

It's nice to read  :)  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much, I was feeling upbeat when I wrote that.  Definitely!   :)   Thanks also for the hug  :hug:

***********
22nd March 2024
I found it really helpful to re-read a couple of my old journals, here in the forum, and I've not quite finished that process yet, but I hope to do so in the coming days - I'm making some notes, and I feel like it's been helpful to see the things I'd written about before, and to really re-process things, and the other thing I found helpful was re-reading things people had written to me in my journal - there are so many really helpful things that people said - so thank you all so much  :grouphug:

I think that I could stay present more with my feelings and reactions, and with what people had said, and that's thanks to being able to feel that my system is more 'regulated' - I think that doing more somatic type of stuff has been incredibly helpful to me.  That's another reason why I'm so happy to have ordered and received that book about polyvagal yoga stuff (by Dr Arielle Schwartz) - I feel ready to really enjoy that book, and see what I can get out of it.

**Trigger Warning - mentioning a documentary about CSA and discussing my feelings relating to that.**

I want to write today about a documentary I watched last night - it was called "Tell Me Who I Am" - this is a documentary about twins (Alex and Marcus Lewis) and it's described as being about 'Memory, identity and complex bonds of brotherhood in the face of a dark family secret'.  I watched it all last night, and I was really struck by so many things about it.  It really was helpful for me to watch it.  I related to a lot of things within it.  It was also helpful for my partner to watch, as he had some light-bulb realisations when he said that he understands a bit more now why I am unable to 'let it go' - i.e. why I end up obsessively 'looking into' family secret type stuff, and can't 'let it go'.    Apparently, they have also written a book - the title of their book is "Tell Me Who I Am: Sometimes It's Safer Not to Know" - I've written the title incase I decide to try to get hold of that book - but I'm not sure I need to do that, as I found the documentary was plenty enough for me.

I have no idea why I'm phrasing things like that - it sounds a strange way of saying something.  Anyway...

I wanted to write more about my reactions and thoughts about it, but I think it's quite hard to allow myself to do that - because I have parts who are reluctant.  I did have quite a strong EF this morning - because I think I was still processing things relating to that documentary - and my partner wanted to talk about some stuff relating to practical things we need to organise.  I found I then went into a strong EF reaction, and ended up crying, BUT I did try to explain how I'd been triggered and why I was reacting in that way - and we did talk it through, and it's ok! 

I am feeling so much better this afternoon, and we've been having an enjoyable day today - we've been out together and done some nice things - with a feeling as if we're on 'holiday'.  So it's been a nice day.

I have felt quite selfish to be focusing so much on re-reading my own journals, and felt like I was neglecting responding in other people's - and that is true, that's what's happened, but I also think that I've considered that I've been fixing my own 'safety net' before then venturing to support others - I had also read some other people's journals again as well - but didn't feel able to write anything further at that time. 

I think this time of year is harder for me than some other times of year - mainly because Mother's Day was in March - I am pleased that's over now, and April is getting closer. 

Hope  :)

 ;)   

Thank you so much Larry  :)

*********
23rd March 2024
So far today, I've been able to do the things I wanted to do.  I've written a couple of letters, I've baked a couple of cakes, and I've been for a walk with my partner. 

I started to read a little of Arielle Schwartz's book last night, and it made me feel calm - because I feel sure that it will have plenty of calming things that will help me continue to regulate my system.  I only read a couple of pages, but I am excited to read more of it. 

Hope  :)

Here's to finding more of the calm you need and deserve in your life, Hope. Sometimes it can feel so hopeless; I hope you continue unrolling the map towards a future filled with healing. :)

Hope,

I'm happy to hear you've gotten some energy to accomplish some things. That's great news.

Hi Woodsgnome - thank you so much.   :hug:   I love that you wrote about 'unrolling the map towards a future filled with healing' - that sounds ideal. 

Woodsgnome, while I was re-reading one of my older journals, I noted down something that you wrote in it - so I want to mention it again now, as you've popped by my journal - you wrote "While you're supposed to move on to the present, it seems a lot of issues in the present can only be understood and solved by understanding your past.  But there is also a point where understanding your past doesn't give insights as much anymore and become ways to hurt you.  So ask yourself - Is it giving more insights or is it just hurting you?"  (I found that incredibly useful and insightful, and wanted to thank you for saying that). 

Woodsgnome, there was also something else you wrote (recently I think, but I can't remember where) and you mentioned how you'd viewed your past family relationships as being like taking a journey on a bus with them, and therefore your journey now is one that you take without them there, and the journey is different - I realise I've not used the words you used there, but I really found it helpful to consider that in terms of my own journey - i.e.  yes, I had a journey with FOO in the past, but now they are definitely not on my bus anymore, and I'm driving it somewhere else, and having a new journey. 

Hi Papa Coco - thank you so much  :hug:   It was good to have some energy to accomplish some things. 

************
26th March 2024
I thought I could write more now, but it seems I can't right at this moment.  But that's ok.  I will be able to write more soon - I'll wait till the moment feels right.  Then write!
Hope  :)

I hope your onward journey continues the way you want it to go. And here's to all of our buses being filled with the right passengers.
 :grouphug:

I'm so glad you are finding more and more relief Hope.

Hi NarcKiddo, Thank you - I definitely hope all our buses are filled with the right passengers  ;D

Hi Armee, Thank you - I am glad too. 

Sending hugs to you both, NarcKiddo and Armee  :hug:  :hug:

***********
30th March 2024
I find Easter weekend more stressful.  For so many reasons.  BUT, I'm coping reasonably ok, and managing to do some nice things today - I'm trying not to resort to comfort eating to manage the emotional side of Easter weekend - I think I'm doing ok. 

So far, so good.

My partner told me I've been shouting out in my sleep more this past couple of days - apparently last night I was saying 'What are you doing?  What are you doing?' (with a distressed tone to the voice).  He had replied to me 'I'm not doing anything, I was sleeping' (until I woke him up by shouting out of course!)  He told me that it's 'better than it used to be' in that I don't jump out of bed now - I stay in bed, and seem to calm again.  So that's good.  I didn't have any memory of that happening though.  Sometimes I am aware of night terrors, and can remember them, but not last night.  I had no memory of it at all.

My dreams in recent weeks have been far more realistic.  I've been alongside people in a potentially work-like scenario.  I've also had a couple of dreams where I was in a stately home (with a heavy Gothic vibe) and there were various family members around - and I discovered that my partner wasn't keen to be left alone with any of them, which fascinated me, as I thought it was more 'me' that was the one who was traumatised by contact with FOO, not him.  But I think the dream was telling me that maybe a lot of people (traumatised or not) can find it challenging to be alone to talk to relatives etc.  I felt 'less alone' with it, realising that.

My partner did say today 'Does Easter affect you?'  I said 'Yes, but I'm handling it better than in previous years' - he responded that quite a lot of the year seems to affect me.  I tried to say that I felt I was better than I'd been in previous years - he acknowledged that I have - but I think maybe he'd like me to be 'over it' by now.  I realise this might not be what he was saying - I could be taking it negatively.  Anyway, I'm doing ok.  I'm having quite a reasonable day - and it's only half-way through the Easter long weekend - I hope it will be ok.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope. I relate to your post and the vague feeling that your partner wishes you were over it by now. Sometimes I feel the same vibes from my H but after talking I realize that well of course he does. I do too. But that he understands and it's more feeling helpless. I find it's really helpful when instead he points out things that seem to be getting better. I should tell him that. 

 :hug: hugs to you for getting thru easter.

Hi Hope,

This is just my interpretation so please ignore if it doesn't feel right. I wonder if your husband in your dream is a kind of transferance where he is a "normal" part of your life, and is seeing the FOO for who they are. That other, "normal' people would also be traumatized by them, and it's not just "you."

I remember reading a long time ago when I was first starting to pull away from my family that other people don't like change sometimes because they like you as you are, and change can be difficult for them because it means doing their own work. I was, of course, reading this in the context of an unNPD family, but perhaps it also means that there's nothing "wrong" with you for doing what you're doing. I hope you were able to have a good Easter weekend with your husband.

Sending you support  :hug: 
dolly

Well, you've got through Easter and out the other side and I hope it was at least OK throughout.

I empathize with you Hope. I find most holidays to be very difficult. 

Hi Armee, Thank you - I appreciated what you shared concerning things that you and your H say in these circumstances.   :hug:

Hi Dollyvee, Thanks for sharing your interpretation - it's a helpful one!  The interesting thing for me also was that in the dream, my H wasn't able to talk to a member of his own FOO - whereas I would have assumed that he would have wanted to - so that was also an interesting thing - maybe I assume that people's families are happier and more together than they actually are.  Sending you a hug too Dollyvee - thank you  :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo - Yes!  I got through it - and out the other side.  It was actually better than I thought it would be.   :)

Hi Little2Nothing - thank you so much for sharing your empathy.  I appreciate it.  I hope that you found the holidays to be better than you anticipated.  I found that it was better for me in the end - although negotiating my way was a bit challenging.

**********
3rd April 2024
I feel quite positive about things today. 
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on April 03, 2024, 03:33:44 PMI feel quite positive about things today. 

 :)  :hug:

Ah I think I understand a bit better now - that it wasn't a member of your FOO, but his in the gothic house. I wonder perhaps if your doing the work with your FOO might bring up issues with his FOO that he would prefer to not address, and just leave as they are? But that's my interpretation.

 Glad you have some positive feelings now :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo, Thank you so much  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,  I think you're right in your interpretation.  Definitely!  Thanks for the hug, and I'm happy to be feeling some positive feelings more often now, than before.   :hug:

*********
7th April 2024
I have some stressful things coming up in the next couple of weeks - I'm not sure how it's going to go.  I might not be able to be in the forum much during those two weeks, but I am reluctant to say I won't be around - as I might be!  I had been wondering whether to open up and ask for advice/support with the things that I'm anticipating - but in the end, I couldn't think of exactly what I wanted to say - and therefore I've not managed to do that.  This may or may not be a good thing - maybe I'll cope better than I think I will.  I hope so.  If I can get opportunity to come here and write something that might convey some of the issues, then that's good, but if not, that's ok too.

The main thing is that I know that this forum, and everyone here is, are here and that you care.  I feel that.  That helps in itself.  It really does.

What I do hope to do, is after the anticipated difficult events are over, that I might be able to reflect in here, and mention some things about it - that I will then be able to remember and learn from. 

Anyway, I'll be around after two weeks, if not before.  Sending hugs to you all  :grouphug:

Hope  :)

Thanks for letting us know and tons of good wishes for what you're facing :hug:  :grouphug:

Wishing you strength for getting through these 2 weeks.  :grouphug:

Sometimes I write things that I know won't make sense to people reading just to get the things out of my mind and in the process helping to get them a little clearer to myself. Just saying that so you remember it's OK to just write here for yourself and ok to write things that don't make sense (yet).

 :grouphug:

with you, hope, as always.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for what you each wrote  :hug:  :hug:  :hug: I really REALLY appreciated seeing your kind words - it's helped me a LOT in the past few days.  I have felt like it's an oasis of peace here, to come back and read things - and it's helped me to feel that I can get through the things I've needed to tackle in these days. 

I'm not through it yet - another few days to go, but I am so grateful that I can come here and gain things from doing so. 

Hope to be able to write more next week - when everything might feel a bit calmer.

Hope  :)

still with you, hope.  love and hugs :hug:

Me, too. Still with you. We too.

I hope the stressful things you anticipated were/are not as stressful as you thought. Thanks for checking in. Sending you ongoing good wishes and hope things calm down for you soon.

 :grouphug:

Hope wrote: ''I feel like it''s an oasis of peace here'' 

      :yeahthat:

       :grouphug:

Hope,

I agree, and I'm glad you feel like it's an oasis of peace here.

 :hug:

Hi SanMagic,Armee,NarcKiddo,woodsgnome, and Papa Coco,

 :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

Thank you so much for what you each said.  I really appreciated you writing what you did.  It helped me through the time when I had some stressful stuff going on.  Thank you!

**********
24th April 2024
Last night I dreamed about my past work - it felt very emotional - but it was also noticeable that I seemed to be processing things about it - which I thought was a good thing.  I even cried in my sleep.  I'm glad though - because I want to process things, and I felt it was definitely doing that.

I hope to write more in the coming week - as I want to write a few things.
Hope  :)

 :heythere: Hi Hope,

it's nice to see you back. I'm sorry you're having difficult or sad, painful dreams but I'm happy for you that you can see the good side there, that you're processing some things.

 :grouphug:

Thanks so much Blueberry, it's good to be back.  :hug:

25th April 2024
I was surprised last night, because I had quite a bad night terror - my partner told me I screamed very loudly - I do have some memory of it, but when he asked me 'What did you see?' I replied 'I don't know' - I purely felt the terror, the feeling as if I was going to die, that kind of feeling.  I didn't know what had preceded that. 

My partner said 'You've not had one of those for years!' - I think that's surprising how his concept of time has gone, to think it's been 'years' - it's probably been 'months' or maybe 1 or 2 years - I feel sure I've had some other similar night terrors within that time, but certainly it's nothing like it used to be previously.  I am so relieved about that.

What disconcerted me about this time, was that I recognised that the past few weeks have been more stressful for me, as I knew there were some things that would cause me significant stress - but those things are over now, and so I wasn't expecting to feel stressed in my sleep, and certainly not to have a night terror.  I have no idea what the triggers for it were.  But then, maybe it's not always something I can pinpoint - that is sometimes the case.  I did wonder whether part of me had felt so concerned about the previous weeks of stress, that she was still really upset and therefore affecting my sleep in that way - being scared and full of terror.  I shall certainly try to calm all my inner parts - and keep being there for them daily - which I've managed to do for quite some time, but maybe it's needed more at the moment.

I've noticed that if I miss a session of EFT and meditation on any specific day, that it definitely impacts on my inner parts.  So being reliably there for them daily - and infact I have now got into a routine where I start each day (whilst preparing breakfast) where I do 2 sets of EFT tapping.  Then mid morning I will do EFT tapping for about 5 minutes followed by meditation for about 10 to 20 minutes.  The same in the afternoon.  The same in the evening.  So that's quite a lot of routine, but I think it helps significantly. 

I am attempting to lose some weight - I started about three days ago, and I'm counting my calories to try to achieve that.  I had ended up comfort eating a LOT in the past few weeks, to help me to handle the stressful stuff that had been going on, and therefore I gained quite a bit of weight.  I really hope to lose it again.  So far so good, some has already come off.  I am glad.

I know there are more things I would like to write about here, but I can't remember what they are just now!  I need to make a note of them.  Hopefully then I can write about them, as I think it would be helpful to do so.

Hope  :)

 Hope67,
 I know this is a really big ask: Can you describe to me in as much detail as possible what your 'night terror' episodes are like? I understand if you'd find that too upsetting, so please don't if it's too distressing.
 I'm just wondering if your night terrors are similar to mine. If so, I may have some *good* news for you regarding them.

Best,
-Slashy

Hope, I completely empathize with you. Even though I don't remember what I dreamed the bad feelings stay with me, sometimes all day. 

Hi Slashy - Thank you for that question, I had to think about it quite hard, but I've managed to try to describe my experience of my night terrors for you:

So, my night terrors are such that I wake up from sleep feeling an overwhelming sense of dread, as if I'm in imminent danger, but most often I can't understand why.  I might scream, cry, and/or sometimes in the past I've literally launched myself out of bed and across the room.  My heart often races and I breathe fast.  I think it feels like having a panic attack whilst being half-asleep.  I think I'm in a twilight zone between sleep and wakefulness.  In past instances, I have sometimes felt/experienced something fearful – i.e. sometimes it's as if there's someone in the room and they're trying to kill me/crush me/ hurt me – maybe sometimes I've noticed a knife or dagger coming towards me, or someone in the room with a gun.  Once it was a man trying to mow me down with a lawn-mower.  Once it was something really dangerous coming down from the sky to crush me.  I truly believed I was going to die.  Very scary.  As a child, they involved recurrent experiences of giant moths flying towards me, and feeling of being trapped/crushed/scared.  That went on for several year in my childhood, and thankfully as an adult, I've not had that same experience, only the things I've just written about.

I have often felt the 'sense of dread' at night – usually around 1am (if I notice the clock) and I've on those occasions been able to lean into the feeling, and try to communicate with the scared/anxious part of myself, and I've successfully been able to help that part to relax and therefore, for many nights in recent couple of years, I've felt the dread less and less and felt more comfy in bed.  However, I still get occasional experiences of night terrors – like the one last night.  I literally felt the terror and dread, and some kind of sense that maybe I was going to be crushed/killed – but essentially didn't notice more than that.  I slept fairly quickly afterwards – I wish I could have said the same for my partner – he told me he'd been awake for a while afterwards. 

Actually I talked to him further about it, and asked him why he hadn't noticed the other night terrors in this past couple of years – as he had commented 'You've not been this bad for years' – and he clarified that he meant that I hadn't screamed so loud for years – apparently it is a blood curdling scream.  (I don't even think I'd be able to scream as an adult now – so I don't know how I manage to do that at night like that).

Slashy - if you do have any *good* news to share about night terrors, I would love to hear that.  Thank you!  I am glad you have some good news - I'm presuming you've been able to help yourself with them, in some way. 

Hi Little2Nothing  Thank you so much for your empathy in this situation.  I am sorry that you have bad feelings that stay with you sometimes all day.  I hope that will change at some point in the future, so you are not affected so much in the daytime.

**********
25th April 2024
I am pleased that I managed to write about my night terrors in response to Slashy's question.  At first there were some reluctant parts of myself who didn't think I could do it, but I have!  So I'm pleased.  I welcome it as a chance to discuss it - and maybe get some help in going forwards with it.

What I think is interesting is that I've hardly ever talked to anyone (except my partner) and maybe one friend, about having night terrors.  I think it is something I maybe should have asked for help with when I was so much younger.  But somehow I felt it wasn't something I could discuss.

Actually what disturbs me a lot, is that there was an occasion when I was single, and a lot younger, when I ended up waking up and finding that I had completely shredded a nightie that I was wearing - in the light of day, if I'd been incredibly strong, and had wished to intentionally shred that nightie, I really don't think I'd have been able to do it, yet in the night, I did it - without even knowing that I'd done it.  That scares me.  That I was capable of that.

Good to have written about this.
Hope  :)

 :grouphug:

Thank you so much NarcKiddo - I must admit I am feeling a bit 'hyper' now - I think I'll have to step away from the forum for a bit, as I think I've perhaps triggered myself a bit - but it's ok.  I'll be back!  I just feel as if I've been writing things in other people's journals and I don't feel as if I'm in control of myself - so therefore might be triggered!

I appreciate your group hug - thank you  :hug:

I'm going to take it easy this evening and hopefully enjoy watching some TV that is calming.  I think I need to do that.  (I apologise if I've written anything in anyone's journal that doesn't make sense - I normally try to think more carefully - and I was writing quicker than I should have).

Hope  :)

Hope67,
Yes ma'am! Your night terrors are a lot like mine. That sense that somebody or something is coming to kill you. You're paralyzed. You can't move, can't scream, you're fighting to wake up. Eventually you manage to fight your way back to terrified wakefulness and... Nothing.

I do have some good news for you. I'm going to post it under the 'sleeping disorders' subsection because it's rather long.

Best,
-Slashy

Quote from: Hope67 on April 25, 2024, 10:11:14 AM25th April 2024
I've noticed that if I miss a session of EFT and meditation on any specific day, that it definitely impacts on my inner parts.  So being reliably there for them daily - and infact I have now got into a routine where I start each day (whilst preparing breakfast) where I do 2 sets of EFT tapping.  Then mid morning I will do EFT tapping for about 5 minutes followed by meditation for about 10 to 20 minutes.  The same in the afternoon.  The same in the evening.  So that's quite a lot of routine, but I think it helps significantly. 

I'm really impressed with this routine you've been keeping up!! :cheer:  I'm sure it does help significantly. For about a week I've been doing a 15 minute meditation immediately after getting up and taking my thyroid meds and I notice a shift already in various aspects. EFT does work too, I know that. I do it sometimes but not daily like you. And then you being reliably there for your inner parts :thumbup:  :cheer:  :hug:

Hi Slashy  Thanks again for what you wrote about your night terrors and lucid dreaming - I just read it in the other part of the forum, and I replied there.  I appreciated you taking the time to write about your experiences, it's been very helpful to me.  I feel sure it will hopefully help other people too.  Interestingly for me, I seem to be on the range of dissociative experiences where I 'can' move - as I will leave the bed (more previously than now, as my partner admits he will keep hold of me now rather than let me launch off) - I found what you wrote to be hopeful - that there is more opportunity to progress in calming the night terrors - and I think I'll be considering them with less fear than previously.  I had already noticed some definite improvements - so I feel like I'm progressing in that way.  I haven't had many recently but if I do get any - I'll hopefully be less afraid.

Hi Blueberry - Thank you so much for your encouragement - and for what you said about my 'routine' with the EFT and meditation.  I'm glad that you're also finding some positive things with your own meditation and EFT.   :cheer:  :cheer:   That's me and you, cheering each other along.  I love that!   ;D

***********
26th April 2024

I did some 'research' on the computer, and have got these notes about Night terrors and lucid dreaming (spurred on by Slashy's kind sharing of stuff related to this), and just wanted to keep those notes here in my journal - to refer back to:

"Yes, there is some evidence suggesting a relationship between night terrors and lucid dreaming. Research indicates that both sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming are dissociated experiences related to rapid eye movement (REM) sleep. A study found that the frequency of sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming were positively related, especially when sleep paralysis episodes included vestibular-motor hallucinations, which involve illusory movement and out-of-body experiences1. Dissociative experiences during wakefulness were identified as a common predictor for both sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming, suggesting that these experiences during REM sleep may reflect a continuation of dissociative experiences in waking states1.

Additionally, lucid dreaming has been explored as a potential therapeutic approach for those who experience frequent nightmares, with some success in reducing the average number of nightmares2. This suggests that while night terrors and lucid dreaming are distinct phenomena, they may share some common underlying mechanisms related to dissociation and REM sleep.

Night terrors are typically characterized by intense fear and panic during sleep, often accompanied by screaming, crying, or thrashing. While most people remain still during night terrors, it is not uncommon for some individuals to exhibit movement or even get out of bed. Here are some points to consider:

1.   Variability: Night terrors can manifest differently in different individuals. Some people may experience minimal movement, while others might exhibit more pronounced physical activity.

2.   Spectrum of Intensity: Night terrors exist on a spectrum. At one end, there are mild episodes with minimal movement, and at the other end, there are more severe cases where individuals may move around or even leave their bed.

3.   REM Sleep Paralysis: Night terrors occur during non-REM (NREM) sleep, but they can sometimes overlap with REM sleep. During REM sleep, our muscles are typically paralyzed to prevent us from acting out our dreams. However, in some cases, this paralysis may not be complete, leading to movement during night terrors.

4.   Individual Differences: Factors such as genetics, stress, sleep quality, and overall health can influence the severity and characteristics of night terrors. Some people may be more prone to movement during these episodes.

5.   Consult a Professional: If someone consistently experiences night terrors with significant movement, it's advisable to consult a healthcare professional. They can assess the individual's specific situation and provide guidance.

In summary, while movement during night terrors is less common, it is not unusual. Each person's experience can vary, and understanding the underlying factors can help manage and cope with these episodes. If someone is concerned about their night terrors, seeking professional advice is recommended. 🌙

Vestibular-motor hallucinations involve imagined sensations related to movement, out-of-body experiences, or feelings of bliss. These experiences can occur during sleep paralysis, a condition characterized by a brief loss of muscle control just after falling asleep or before waking up. Sleep paralysis often includes distressing hallucinations, and vestibular-motor hallucinations are one of the types that individuals may encounter during these episodes1. 🌙

The study on the frequency of sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming was conducted by researchers Remington Mallett, Laura Sowin, Rachel Raider, Karen R Konkoly, and Ken A Paller. It was published in the journal SLEEP Advances, Volume 3, Issue 1, in 20221. The study sought to quantify the positive and negative aspects of seeking lucid dreams, describe their phenomenology, and identify features associated with positive or negative experiences1.

The main findings of the study on the frequency of sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming were that there is a positive and significant correlation between the two phenomena. The research concluded that there is indeed a connection between lucid dreaming and sleep paralysis, suggesting that individuals who experience one are more likely to experience the other1.

Research has shown that trauma can significantly impact dream patterns. Here are some key points related to trauma and its effects on dreams:

1.   Trauma-Related Dreams: After experiencing trauma, it's common to have nightmares and anxiety dreams. These disturbed dreams often incorporate similar feelings and sensations to those experienced during the trauma. Trauma-related dreams may involve re-experiencing traumatic events or memories and can be distressing, intense, and vivid.
2.   Why Does Trauma Affect Dreams? While there isn't broad consensus on why trauma affects dreams, several hypotheses exist:
o   Memory Consolidation: Dreams may help integrate traumatic experiences into long-term memory. They simulate threatening events and allow us to try out different responses.
o   Revisiting Trauma: Dreams might allow people to revisit and attempt to work through old trauma.
o   Transforming Shame: Nightmares may transform shame associated with trauma into fear.
3.   Nightmares and PTSD: Nightmares are common after trauma, especially in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). They may be an intense expression of the body working through traumatic experiences. Fortunately, for most people, trauma-related nightmares subside after a few weeks or months.
4.   Lucid Dreaming: Lucid dreaming (LD) is a learnable strategy to cope with nightmares. In LDs, the dreamer is aware of the dreaming state and can control dream content. Recent research suggests that LD therapy (LDT) could be an alternate or complementary treatment option for nightmares in PTSD, specifically for symptoms of anxiety and depression.
In summary, trauma can significantly influence dream experiences, and lucid dreaming may offer a way to cope with trauma-related nightmares. 🌙"

Note to self: Maybe explore how people use Lucid Dreaming to help with the night terrors, and try it out.  But be cautious! 

I'm finding the first week of my new diet (calorie counting) is going well so far.  Just being aware of the calories in each meal etc has really opened my eyes to what I've been eating and what my body needs.  I hope that I will be losing some weight - and get the extra weight off sooner rather than later.  I feel good about that. 

Hope  :)

hope, that's a lot of info on our sleeping state and what our minds might be doing during it.  thanks. it makes sense.  i'm glad your partner has noted you've not been having so many so intensely of late.  sorry you have to go thru this at all.  i hope it continues to get better as your mind continues to make progress thru it all.  i think your routine might be helping as well. keep up the good work!  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope. Thanks for sharing all that.  :hug:

This topic on dreaming is very interesting. For years I had the same dream, with slight variations, multiple times a week. The worst of it was feeling incapable of moving. It was frightening and I would always wake my wife up screaming. I don't know how she put up with it. Thankfully that began to become less in the past 7 or 8 years. I never quit understood what was going on, this topic has been very helpful in gaining some insight. So thanks, Hope for sharing.

Hope67,
 I'm glad you took the time to research the subject and confirmed the causal link I have experienced and noted myself.
 Night terrors are truly awful, but lucid dreams are equally wonderful.
 The trick is to trust that you are truly safe, not fight to wake up, and allow the lucid dream to happen. It's *totally* worth it and you will build that trust over time.
 I sincerely hope this helps you, and all others here who suffer from night terrors.

Best,
-Slashy

Hi Hope,

Moths are interesting to me. I remember reading about them years ago in the book that's mentioned here in this link. You can take it with a grain of salt, but I do believe this man had an experience that was quite like any other and made a website to find other people because it was so outside of his experience. Maybe it's another aspect (spiritual) to your night terrors, which to me, can also be quite scary in itself to consider these things.

https://cosmicmoth.com/

After my dad died, I would frequently go back to our house in dreams. However, over the years the house would change and eventually, I stopped going. I do think we try to make sense of things, all that subconscious stuff, in our dreams, and once we "get it," we move on or it changes.

Sending you support,
dolly

 :grouphug: I hope to write something to each of you, but right now, I'm just thanking you for what you wrote.   :hug:

 :hug: