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Mine was set up in childhood but the real catalysts were over the last few years. Looking back tho I can see the patterns, I'm aware I was living with the damn thing a lot further back. Again, a narcissist, in my case a brother and mother tag team. The flare up of mum's illness and death were the final major trigger, exacerbated by work and an alcoholic partner. To my mind, nothing works better than new understanding connections and the help of old friends. It's been a close run thing for me tho, suicidal thoughts have been a regular feature. Having your life wrecked by other people for no rational reason is a killer.

I hope you stay strong James, you deserve to have an amazing, fulfilling life! Keep surrounding yourself with positive connections and hopefully you'll be able to replace all the bad memories with amazing and happy ones soon.

Narcissistic people are so hard to get out of your head so I can only imagine how draining your situation was. Constant questioning and confusion is a tough thing to get over, I found writing things down and even recording conversations, when I was still in contact with my NPD abuser, helped me finally keep track of things and stop my mind from constantly trying to figure things out and question or blame myself. Maybe that could help you sort your thoughts and seperate your truth from their false reality, even after the fact.

Thanks so much Three Roses for your assurance that help is the best option, I'm definitely going to set this up today and NOT procrastinate. I'm glad you're getting the support you need too! Has it been helping?

JamesG thanks for your response, it means a lot especially coming from someone who's tried to help someone in the past, sorry you were pushed away because people like you are rare. I'll definitely take your advice and let him know as much as I can how his calm and caring demeanour makes me feel safe and secure. Honestly, the way I acted and the way he didn't react with anything but care was another silver lining, he dealt with me being out of control without lashing back so my trust has already gone up a ton.

I'm so looking forward to this journey of recovery after reading for hours last night it's been affecting my life in so many ways and I didn't even attribute to my past, just kept pushing forward like a freight train.

I'm looking forward to reading all of your success stories!

I've finally decided to make the call and start therapy tomorrow, it all came to a crashing eye opening situation for me this weekend that just made me realize there's so much going on inside that I guess I finally need to deal with.

I was raped at 15 and severely bullied  and even jumped by a few guys in high school due to my rapist telling lies about me, then had a child at 17, moved out and raised her with the support of my amazing family thankfully. I'm 36 now, but sadly I chose the wrong men since I was 21. My first real boyfriend after my daughters father was physically abusive, he choked me until I passed out, punched me square in the face, black eyes and faces, stomped on me and cut my hair, he ended up being charged for dislocating my shoulder and destroying everything I owned, even my daughters furniture, me being me I backed out of the trial last minute to spare him time, but went through a million things in the 3 years I was with him.

I took a break from men and met a nice enough guy along the way but that ended because it was all party high risk at that and no real life possibilities.

Next I met the worst of the worst, and lucky me, I married him! I spent 8 years with a narcissist who I had two children with, one born at 25 weeks due to the stress I was under my whole pregnancy. It was physical, but the worst was the emotional abuse, I lost myself, was so confused, blamed myself for everything and felt completely crazy. I finally charged him with abuse and followed through giving the police tons of evidence, the death threats, etc. There was a point where I actually slept with a knife under my mattress in case he tried to kill me. There a no contact orde now and he doesn't know where I moved to so I've had some peace since Oct 2016.

I don't have friends or anyone because I feel like no one really knows me, but my family. I finally met someone amazing after my sister and mom pushed me to "get out there". He's literally the nicest, most caring normal man I've ever met and I could honestly see a future with him. I've never been in a "normal nice loving" relationship before so I told him some of the stuff I've been through which was really hard for me and he didn't stop talking to me like I thought he would. He didn't try to fix me either, he just expressed that he was sorry I went through those things, which was something I don't know I've ever heard before. Anyway, this weekend he took me to a birthday party where I was supposed to meet all his friends and I drank a strong rum and a little too much of it and pretty much went off on him, just because he said I put a little makeup on his shirt. Thankfully he took me outside so i didn't really embarrass myself, half of it I can't even remember. He said the whole time he drove me home I was putting him down, building myself up, yelling, swearing. I'm so embarrassed and sad he literally did nothing wrong he just wanted to tell me to be careful I could've just said sorry, but I had this unwarranted feeling he was belittling me. He's forgiven me and said not to beat myself up, but it's hard not to I treated him so bad.

The best thing that came from it though is realizing I have a lot I guess I haven't dealt with. I've never dealt with anything with a therapist and when victim services visited me after the last incident with my ex they urged me to see someone and I still never did.

Has anyone else experienced lashing out at others due to their past unresolved traumas? I just want to be normal, not paranoid or overly sensitive and angry

Thanks for this group and for sharing your stories too xo