Not Alone: 2022

[Hope67]

Dear Not Alone,
 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Bach, Cactus Flower, and Hope,
Those hugs mean so much to me right now.

Tomorrow is our anniversary. Tonight my H and I had a discussion about if we will stay married. There was no drama, no expressed anger or sadness, just discussion. No decisions made, but the option for divorce was put on the table as a very real possibility. It is late where I live and I'm exhausted, but couldn't sleep. I need to not be alone with this. My most immediate feeling is fear regarding finances. As I process, I'm sure I will experience many more feelings.

[Not Alone]

I am trying to read others' posts, but my eyes won't focus. I'm having a hard time sleeping because I'm upset about the conversation with my H. I think also, I dread tomorrow, our anniversary. There seems to be little to celebrate and I refuse to put up a front. I think I better go to bed though, because my body is crashing.

[Armee]

That's a very very difficult conversation to have had, Not Alone. Rest if you can is very good. Your mind when well rested can think through better how to make the finances work if that's how you decide to go. Happiness is important, too, and it seems near impossible to be happy in your current situation. Gentle safe hugs.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Not Alone as you work through this.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Not Alone. Wishing you energy and calm to get through the day however it happens. With you in spirit.

[sanmagic7]

   just want to bring you into a giant gentle hug, notalone, as you go thru this.  like the others, i'm offering support and hope you can get some rest, even tho i know my mind would be a whirling dervish, too.  sending love and a hug filled w/ care and comfort. 

[Not Alone]

Armee, Rainy Diary, Sage, San,
Your support means a great deal to me.

I had a brief thought about my lack of tears regarding my marriage, especially the most recent conversation. I figured that I've been gradually accepting the loss of hope and have been slowly grieving. Every so often in church, they have couples come up front who have had anniversaries in multiples of 5s (5, 10, 15 years, etc.). They did that today and I told my friend that I had to leave. I walked into the parking lot and cried and cried. I do have tears.

I'm still processing the conversation I had with H a couple of days ago. I believe that he sees everything through an AVOIDANT lens. As I learn more about avoidant attachment, it helps me to try and make sense of things. He does not see his avoidance. (I start writing about this and then it feels complex, layer upon layer.) Sometimes these emojis say more than I can put into words.

[Blueberry]

 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I am thinking of you. 

[CactusFlower]

 

[sanmagic7]

avoidance, to my mind, notalone, makes it pretty difficult to have a clear, honest relationship.  sorry things are going this way for you and your marriage.  i'm glad to see you had tears.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

Hey Not Alone. Those tears are good. Even though you've always been grieving this feels like a new stage that needs its own grief process. Good for you for leaving during a difficult section of the sermon and taking care of yourself through that.

[Not Alone]

Another conversation with my H and he seems steps closer to divorce.

My income from my current job is not enough to live on. Looking for a new job is on the top of my "most stressful" list. I have updated my resume. I haven't applied, but I'm looking at a job similar to what I do now, but with more responsibilities. I was looking through their website and am now overwhelmed and shaky inside. Time to walk away.

I need to keep myself from spiraling. Ugh. This is way more than I can handle.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
These are tough things to be dealing with, and I know it's a lot - I really hope you're able to get some rest over the weekend, and that you'll feel stronger and able to cope with things.  It's great that you updated your resume, that's a big step.  You can only do what you can do, one step at a time.  I feel like I'm saying cliche'ed things here, but honestly, I hope that things will turn out ok for you - and whatever happens, that you feel supported and that you cope with these things.  You're not alone.  Sending you a hug of support. 
Hope