Messages

https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impacting-symptoms-of-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=PTSD_Page

This was the first time I saw 'body armouring' which is what I do, even other people have noticed I physically brace myself. I am not always aware of it at the time.

 :wave:Gwyon

I believe my issues stem from that early, pre-verbal stage too.

My mother had some kind of breakdown after the birth of my sister (1st child), and was in hospital so my sister was cared for by grandparents for the 1st year or so. My mother was on tranquillisers, and told not to have any more children. Then she had me, 7 years later, because her friend was having a baby.

From my own experience as a mother I know people assume you know what you are doing 2nd time around, especially if you keep quiet about past difficulties. My mother stopped her drugs whilst pregnant but started them again as soon as I was born, she didn't try to feed me. Having seen the way she mechanically tried to soothe my baby son when he was crying I don't think she was a natural mother.

I learnt about the infant stage of development and heard other mothers say how instinctive it was with their baby. Really? I hadn't got a clue, couldn't tell if my boy was hungry, tired or what. (Second time around, yes, I had much more idea and things were naturally easier because of that.) so, I believe that, as my mother didn't look after her first infant she was as clueless as I was when I came along, and probably had less help.I grew up with the saying that my sister was such a wonderful baby my dad wanted 6 more just like her, when I came along I was so terrible he wanted to chuck me out of the window. Like @Ah my mother made comments about me as a baby, being rigid, impossible to console. I did experience that with my son too and I hope that I have put my mistakes with him right, he certainly isn't scared of me, and does turn to me with worries.

I grew up feeling that she must have really wanted me to go against the advice but, when I came, I was a massive disappointment.

Growing up my mother still took tranquillisers until I was 16, and, when I was small, she still went to see some person that I referred to as 'a shrink', I have no idea how I knew that. But, she was still scary, to all of us, and unpredictable.

My counsellor says it is as if I am always waiting for negative criticism and, we were discussing 'safe places' this week, and she doubts if I ever had a person or place that I felt safe.

My triggers, as far as I know are around having to ask anyone for anything, people being angry, unreasonable, bullying, even if they are not angry at me. I was bullied at school from an early age and that made me highly vigilant throughout school. As a consequence I would rather do things by myself, secretly, I even find positive feedback hard to take. Sometimes I make mistakes and dread being 'found out' even if I have put them right. I get overwhelmed because I find it impossible to ask for help. I believe my attachment style is 'anxious avoidant'.

As for family, I was the scapegoat, always trying to make sense of the chaos. Everyone else just kept quiet, for an easy life. My sister cannot remember, or doesn't want to, she thinks I should just 'let go'.
But, how can you let go what you do not remember, what happened before you understood language?
G

6 reds & 1 yellow too, even after all this time.

G

http://www.parliament.uk/business/committees/committees-a-z/commons-select/science-and-technology-committee/inquiries/parliament-2017/evidence-based-early-years-intervention-17-19/

This seems to be asking for evidence about childhood trauma and the effect it has. Not sure if they are looking for people who are doing research on it or people who have been effected by it.

Should I respond? What is 'evidence'?

G

I read that shiatsu is supposed to help with releasing things but I didn't find that happen.

I am 45, have been practising yoga for more than 20 years, have had chiropractic treatments, massages of all kinds, cranial osteopathy etc, nothing ever helped me 'let go' of trauma as such, maybe my body is just not ready. I have heard of people being in floods of tears after specific yoga poses, but never seen it either.

Always looking for that magic thing though, to suddenly make lights shine, angels sing and for me to feel completely healed.
G

Yes @ Aphotic

Матрёшка/Matryoshka dolls, but they are all different inside, not just smaller duplicates. Such as different species.

I'm not sure saying I didn't tell anyone about my worries is a good idea either but I always try to be honest with my children. It isn't great to admit it, it is pretty isolating.

Hi, something came up in my therapy, thanks to my therapist and her dolls (the many dolls which fit inside each other, but they are all different versions of a theme, this time dogs, don't know what they are called). So, I thought, rather than start a new thread, I looked for it and found this.

My therapist was trying to find who I trust, who I can be completely open with, who knows me, other than the smallest doll which represents myself. Normally it would be a spouse, or, as a child, a parent. Well, whilst my husband may see me in intimate moments I generally don't let him inside my head so much, I find it easier with strangers, here, or other closed invisible communities, or I just keep it to myself. My therapist thinks my children probably know me best.

Just recently, my son, is going through puberty. Some of his concerns, he brings to me, sometimes in the middle of the night as his worries keep him awake. Although I think his father should be able to help more, being male, he chooses me. A great honour. He also asks me who I would tell about my worries growing up. I tell him the truth, 'no one' and now I worry if that is the best thing to say, does it encourage him to be like me, unable to trust anyone? Finding it hard to be open?
Is this common? This inability to open up and trust the people closest? The fear is different, with my OH he is a tease at times, and not given to 'navel gazing' as he calls it. Whereas my mother was too interfering, jumping to conclusions, usually wrong ones that she could not leg go of.
Sorry for the length of this, just looking for some reassurance.
G

I love Contessa's ideas, if I can I might use their language when responding to them, 'why aren't you more reserved'?

Personally I don't think people like this are so perfect. They are finding fault with something about you because then, they don't have to focus on themselves or how uncomfortable they feel when you don't respond in the same way they do. As Pilgrim suggested silence can also be the perfect response, because they are uncomfortable with it.
G

http://www.scarymommy.com/childhood-emotional-neglect/

I am posting this because the start of this article describes what I feel so well. I thought it may help others.

I hope this is an appropriate place to post it.
G

Hi,

I am new to your post but read the previous one out of interest as I am on Citalopram 20, and have been for some time.

I tried Sertraline to escape the dreaming on Fluoxetine, the dreams woke me in a sweat every night. On Sertraline I found less dreaming but I got the feeling I was short of breath. Like you, I do yoga, I know how to breathe, but I think, what I do is hold my breath without realising it, then I over breathe to compensate and somehow get to the point where I can't seem to breathe deeply enough and have to stop whatever I am doing to sort it out or panic.

I don't seem to have a breathing issue with citalopram. I am just about to start looking at trauma with my counsellor, having just recently come across C-PTSD and decided it seems to match what I have been experiencing, what you say about defences dropping sounds helpful, I have such strong defences, years of practice, although, just lately there have been a few times where they have been overwhelmed and my distress has been visible for everyone which I think is a breakthrough for me.

How has it been for you so far?
G

Kat, in my experience, in the UK, the doctor is very happy to suggest anti-depressants. They get you to fill in a questionnaire and if you score highly enough you get pills. In the past I was resistant to pills because my mother had been on tranquillisers for my whole childhood and she was still scary.

The doctors check how you feel on them, if you are ok they are quite happy to leave you like that. I found counsellors by myself, luckily enough there is a charity in the area which has several and they assess you before allocating one rather than choosing one out of the 'phone book. I pay for that myself.

Things have changed over the years, I looked online after the posts above, which include my experience with the doctor yesterday. There is somewhere I can refer myself, it mentions PTSD but not C-PTSD. It is a mental health team, not sure if that includes a psychiatrist. I guess you have to have been hospitalised for them to let you see one of those here. I know, when I was a child my mother saw one, but, like I said, she was on tranquillisers and had been hospitalised before I was born, she had some pretty controversial treatment that is no longer used.

I may try the organisation I found online, it is NHS. I know I tried something years ago but all they could offer me was a group thing, it was more like a seminar on CBT techniques. I went to one, walked home in tears and never went for the other sessions.

The letters in the downloads might be helpful. I did a survey at the surgery yesterday which was less than complimentary and I have had a response asking me to give more information. Thanks for reminding me about the resources here.

At the moment it is school holidays and I have my kids at home so it is hard for me to make calls and do letters without a hundred questions. I do see my counsellor today and from the stiffness in my upper back I need to book a massage too, that is partly where my stress goes, my back, shoulders, and neck.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04jyv3y

Did you think of therapy, so that you can sort out what it is you are suffering from and be properly medicated when needed?

Lingurine

Not sure I understand what you mean Lingurine, I see a counsellor who I found through a charity that offers counselling for donations, I carried on with her once the year, they allow, was up. I guess she cannot diagnose or prescribe, although she did suggest that I might seek medical help which is when I last approached a GP for medication, which was 2015. I have been on that medication since then. It is a pretty standard anti-depressant.

Do you mean a psychiatrist? I don't know how to go about seeing one if my GP will not refer me. I know my OH has some private medical insurance but I am not sure it covers psychiatric care.

I am sure it doesn't help that I am high-functioning and extremely good at hiding what is going on inside. My counsellor has already expressed concerns that I don't tell her to stop when I feel uncomfortable, I don't even recognise when I feel uncomfortable.
G

Apparently I have anxiety and depression, with an OCD thrown in at one point in my history.

This GP doesn't think C-PTSD or even PTSD is applicable because there is no event that I flash back to. Perhaps my counsellor can help with strategies to use to help me dealing with people when they are angry.

Grrr, at least he didn't assume I was menopausal.

If I could deal with the state I get into when other people are angry I wouldn't get overwhelmed.

He ignored the mention of nightmares, and the counsellors feeling that my issues are from attachment problems.

Does it matter? Probably not, I am used to managing by myself.

I should probably have asked this before.
I have been on anti-depressants for years. The last two GP's I saw have disappeared to have babies, I forgot who they recommended I see next last time I went for more meds and saw some awful doctor who was obsessed with the menopause just because she was going through it and I was the same age as her. I am not menopausal!

Today I have an appointment with the doctor who was recommended and did put on my note for my appointment with him that I wanted to know my diagnosis and what about C-PTSD. But now I am getting nervous, what should I say? Will he take it seriously? Will he even know what that is? This is the UK, it is on the NHS website along with PTSD but no one has ever given me any kind of diagnosis, they just give me happy pills.
G