Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Sceal]

Hello Hope,

I just wanted to pop by and wish you well on starting up with part time work! And to give you a little hug, if that's okay today?  

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog - thank you so much - I'm feeling quite 'excited' but also very apprehensive about starting my part-time work - my emotions are changing by the hour, by the moment, but I'm enjoying my day so far - and I'll see how things go tomorrow, when I start... So many emotions... 

Hi BeHea1thy - thank you for seeing progress in what I wrote - I can see it too - sometimes I can feel it as well - so that's positive! 

Hi Sceal - Thank you!  I appreciate your kind words and also your little hug - definitely ok - I really appreciate it.   

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Journal Entry on 6th January 2019
I am feeling lots of mixed up emotions today - but excitement is one of them - will be going to work tomorrow - and feeling apprehensive, a bit scared, but also excited!  I don't know what else to say about it.  I don't want to try to analyse this too much, because I fear I could end up doubting myself - hence I'm saying little about it - I'll see how it goes. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I was able to keep a watch on him from a distance, and I was interested that I didn't feel so 'scared' or 'anxious' - I felt ok.

Those things don't frighten me anymore - they are disconcerting and upsetting though

I think I slept better last night

I see progress! 

Good luck with your new job, Hope! It shows me big progress that you applied for and got one and are now starting.

A belated Good and Healthy New Year to you. 

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry, Thank you so much - I would also like to wish you a belated Good and Healthy New Year as well.  Let's hope it has some positive things within it - for all of us to enjoy, and that we'll continue to make progress with our journeys through tackling anything and everything that comes our way.     Thank you for validating my progress - I feel I am doing better than I was.  Thanks to support here and hope for the future.

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Journal Entry on 7th January 2019
***Possible TW as mentioning some unpleasant things - possible sexual references and swearing within the content - but nothing overtly mentioned - just purely descriptive - not sure that makes sense, but TW anyway...
I felt very anxious last night, as I slept knowing that I'd be commencing work today - having not done any for quite some time - I just want to make note here of the fact that during last night I ended up encountering another part of myself - again, a younger part - possibly two younger parts - as they seemed quite contrasting - one of them was literally like a feral 'thing' - she could swear a lot - and she did.  She also appeared like a fighting ball of fury - with jagged elbows and I had some quite distressing visual experiences where I saw something that looked quite sexualised - I don't want to mention it in more detail than that - but it felt graphic.  Shocked me.  It was like the younger parts of me were letting me know how they felt and they weren't very happy.  But I was able to take the stance of an interested observer, and it felt safe to do that - and I literally felt grateful to be making contact with them, as I had felt they had gone further away from me for a while, and I had lost contact with some of them.  I'd not experienced something so visual or 'real' as this for a while, and I actually do want to now - it was frightening at one time, but now I am welcoming it - as I feel it's fitting pieces of a puzzle together - not always making sense, but being privy to things.

Regarding my work - it was tough to get up early - but I coped - I managed to last the day - and my energy levels were quite good - people are nice - I've met some of them before during my interview - and the new ones were also very welcoming - and whilst I had criticised them a bit for being a bit disorganised at first, I actually think they were better prepared for welcoming me today - and I feel like they actually care about their staff - which I think is relatively rare - from past experiences.  I was still quite hyper-vigilant though - and looking out for possible issues that probably weren't there - and there were times in the day that I felt like I didn't know what I was actually doing - but I think that's normal - as procedures and sytems are different - and I need to get used to where things are, and how things work.  I need to learn some new skills too - and I hope I'll be able to do that, and adapt and hopefully do ok.  I'll see how it goes - there's a probationary period anyway, so I guess they will also see what they think too.  Hopefully it will be ok.  So far so good.  I feel quite happy about it - but I know it's just one day.

My partner was very happy that I managed to cope - he was so lovely to me tonight - prepared my meal - I wasn't expecting that.  He surprised me.  I am very lucky.  He's a lovely man.

I've been feeling pressure from my younger parts - who want me to write about different things that have been surfacing.  I hope to do that - but at the same time, I am finding that it's hard to write about them - I don't know why that is, but whilst I feel a drive to write - at the same time I feel 'resistance' too. 

I feel like I'd like to write some more 'letters to (not to send)' as well - as I feel I need to offload some emotions and some thoughts and feelings - relating to my FOO - that still perturb me.  There's actually so much I feel I want to do - I am keen to read more of the Dissociation book - and the book by Mary Bratton keeps calling to me too - as I know I avoid doing work on CSA - because it scares me - but I feel as if I need to do that - and do some experiential things to help me to cope better.

I do feel very tired now - all of a sudden - so maybe my energy is flagging afterall.  But it's been a big day - so I think it's understandable.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Take your time Hope.  They will present themselves when you are ready. 

[Jdog]

So glad your day went well!  Welcome back to the workforce, Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - Thank you - you're right, they will present themselves when I'm ready - I am going to try not to push things - and go with the flow more.    to you.

Hi Jdog - Thank you so much, and I hope you're enjoying your Birthday today -  to you.

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Journal Entry on 8th January 2019
I am doing ok - today went well at work - I am finding my feet so to speak, and I am enjoying the structure and being able to focus on things.  People are friendly and I am doing ok.  It's a relief.

I had a dream last night where I was flying in an aeroplane, and my FOO (parents) were on board the same plane, but thankfully there were people sitting in the seats between us - i.e. they were about 10 rows behind me.  They didn't get chance to speak to me or interact with me, and they didn't try to either.  My feelings during the dream were of feeling scared and worried - but that was all I remembered about it. 

I found it interesting that I was dreaming about travelling - and that they ended up in the dream as well.  I have no idea where I was going to - or why I was flying.  Usually my dreams involve large boats for some reason - or sometimes trains! 

I am feeling a bit anxious about tomorrow - as I need to attend a meeting - and I'm not sure how that will go - I feel comfortable with my office space - as I am sharing that with just one other person, and that is really quite nice - so far anyway.  But the thought of sitting in a larger meeting - even though I have done that many times in my working life - I still don't enjoy that - but I suspect that I'll cope - because that is what usually happens - even in uncomfortable situations - I seem to get a coping 'face' that helps me get through things.  I am relying on that happening.  Maybe it will be better than I think it will be. 

I felt like I got in touch with a younger part of me at some points in the early evening today - there was a feeling of excitement - and she was happy - but I was keen not to frighten her away, as I felt somehow that she felt bad for feeling that happiness.  That is how it felt.

I was reading the book 'The Little Princess' last night - and it was very disconcerting because I realised that the story described how the girl in the story had a doll made for her - which had lots of amazing clothes, and it was her friend and confidante - and it made me think that maybe my M had copied that idea from the book when she made the doll with all the sets of clothes - and what was chilling about this was that on p.14 of the book it said "So Emily was bought and actually taken to a children's outfitter's shop, and measured for a wardrobe as grand as Sara's own.  She had lace frocks, too, and velvet and muslin ones, and hats and coats and beautiful lace-trimmed underclothes, and gloves and hankerchiefs and furs. 

"I should like her always to look asi fi she was a child with a good mother", said Sara.  "I'm her mother, thought I am going to make a companion of her."


So that was what the book said, and it makes me think how chilling it feels that my M also created a doll that she made and sets of clothes for the doll, and I think that people looking at the fact she did that for her daughter makes it look as if she really loved me, to have done that.  But maybe it's more about 'Look at my daughter's doll, I made that for her, and it shows she's a child with a good mother'

It feels like all for show - the fact I barely saw her - and didnt' remember her much during my early childhood, whilst she shut herself away to sew the clothes for that doll, and to make that doll - and do whatever else she was doing - it doesn't make the experience of motherhood.

The fact I seem to be obsessing about things like this - makes me feel like I'm quite strange - that people will think I'm strange.  I just wanted to say that, as it's what is going through my mind, and I think maybe that's an inner critic speaking - and telling me I am strange. 

I remember Blueberry said that she thought I was describing a Gothic novel or story when I spoke of the Doll or maybe it was the Gril in the Mirror that I described, but she's right - Blueberry is right - in that I do feel like I lived in a Gothic story or novel - that is how my childhood feels in many ways.  It's like it's really creepy and sinister - that's the feeling I have.  But when I say things like that I also feel as if it's being melodramatic - as Gothic dramas etc are melodramatic - and not real - so maybe that's the depersonalising quality of it all - it just doesn't feel 'real'. 

I find it a bit frustrating to struggle with all of this, and I still feel as if I'm intellectualising things, rather than actually 'feeling' them.  Mainly.   

I will think about this more, but for now I'm going to have a rest.  I am quite tired.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I had to come back, as I was shocked when I re-read what I'd just written and realised that I made several typos.  I generally try not to do that, but somehow I seemed incapable of writing that without making very glaring typos - that is strange in itself.  Honestly, it shocks me.  I guess that's my perfectionism coming out - but how come I couldn't even 'see' the typos as I was writing - surely I would have noticed them at the time of writing.  But I just didn't spot them at all - and I see them.  I just wanted to say that.
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

I have an inner critic telling me I'm strange to be thinking these things too.
It's important to process and understand your experiences, I don't think your strange,
I'm glad work is ok

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
Thank you for what you said, because it made me feel better - knowing that your inner critic tells you similar things - although at the same time, of course, it's a pity that these inner critics do that!  I agree that it's important to process and understand my experiences, and I am going to continue to try to do that.   Yes, work is ok, so far.  Although I have noticed that I get thrown into EF's more frequently - throughout the day...

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Journal Entry on 10th January 2019.
Today felt like it went on forever - and I am glad it's over - I just had so many things go wrong - it was getting used to new systems and especially computer related things - I've been talking to IT people to help sort things out - but it seems to take AGES - and it's frustrating - but I guess I am just not used to these things - having been out of the work-place for a while.  I coped with the meeting though - and infact I admitted to a colleague that I didn't like meetings very much, and she said she felt the same.  I almost regretted saying it at first, feeling as if I was not very wise to admit my weakness - but I guess it's something that isn't liked by all that many people really - and I think there might be few people who would say that they relish a meeting!

Just one more day to go, and then the weekend, and I will have completed my first week - and I am already planning how I will enjoy the weekend - although I am saving all my housework till then - and to be honest the house looks really untidy at the moment!  But I'm not too concerned about it.  It's still clean.  Just untidy. 

I've been getting EF's more frequently - or maybe it's just that I've been panicking a bit - when I can't do stuff - and then I fear that I won't be able to cope.  But I also feel a sense of pride that I've managed to cope - and that I'm doing ok so far. 

I have got plenty of autonomy in my job - and I can say 'yes' or 'no' to certain tasks - and I've been trying to say 'yes' more than 'no' - but I've noticed that when I do accept an assignment - then I get really anxious about whether it was right for me or not.  Thankfully people don't notice that - I am able to keep it hidden behind my mask of competence.  I tend to look very calm - but inside I am not feeling like that.  Or at least, that is how I think I come across - maybe I don't - I daren't ask anyone about it - not until I know them better.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 12th January 2019
I couldn't post yesterday - or didn't feel able to - because my mind was literally 'racing' with so many different thoughts, feelings - and I felt over-whelmed.  I ended up talking quite a bit in my sleep (my partner told me this, but I have limited memory of that - I do remember him asking me things in the middle of the night, and my feeling disorientated - but that was all I remembered) - I was having vivid dreams though - and they were involving bizarre recollections of incidents from my past employment - mixed up with things related to my new employment.  I realise this makes sense, as it's a massive change for me at the moment, but I am concerned at how much I am feeling out of control with it - it's like I am really fearing that everything will go wrong and I'll collapse and be unable to function at all.  I realise that's catastrophic thinking in many respects, but it's how it feels.

I feel calmer today - in the light of day - I was also aware that I'd watched a film last night that was quite horrific in some ways - it was 'Red Sparrow' - and it made me fearful - even though I averted my eyes at some of the graphic scenes that were in that film.  But I feel sure that having seen it, meant I was hypervigilant and worried - even when I was trying to get to sleep.

I did enjoy aspects of working last week - there were some nice parts to it, but I realise that I tend to take on too much - and I should pace myself.  I am even tempted to work on some assignments over the weekend, but my partner asked me if that was wise, as weekends are for other stuff.  He's right.  I'll try to keep a distinction between them, and separate the time that way.  Otherwise I'll end up burned out and non-functioning.

I found it really helpful to read something that Three Roses posted - which was about the Ups and Downs of recovery from Trauma - it made perfect sense, and I really appreciated reading it today - it expresses much of what I feel.

Anyway, I am ok, I have got through my first week, and it's the weekend, so I'm hoping to do some things at home, and make the most of the weekend.  I also hope to read another chapter of my Dissociation book - I really want to re-read that - and make notes on it, as I feel it will sink in and I can process it more.  That will be helpful to me. 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope I glad you feel calmer today, your bf is right, don't overwhelm yourself and take breaks.
I read that book (red sparrow) it's full on and if you were already off balance from work, I can understand the reaction.
I've worked out the dissociation books are different books mine is "coping with trauma related dissociation" and yours is "treating trauma related dissociation " by the same authors
Anyway thought I'd let u know
Well done on your first week back at work.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
Thanks - and I imagine it must have been a heavy book to read 'Red Sparrow'. 

I was going to ask you what the title was of your version of the book - so I am glad you mentioned it today - I would be tempted to purchase the version you have - as well - but I'll wait till I've re-read the one I've got - as I do find it helpful - but realising the difference helps me to appreciate why I've found it quite heavy going to read at times.  Thanks for letting me know.  But I've still found your comments really helpful, even though you are reading a different version, and we're tackling the same kind of things - so I think it's still interesting to compare and discuss.  I really appreciate that you are here.  Thanks also for your kind words about my being back at work. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy,
Thank you so much    You're right that boundaries don't seem forthcoming at nighttime - the light of day makes things seem less frightening.  Thanks also for what you said about work - and I will do my best to try to trust myself. 

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Journal Entry on 13th January 2019
I feel calmer this weekend - but I also feel surprised at how quickly the weekend has gone - and yet I feel I've not really done very much at all - but I'm not going to worry too much about that.  ......... I've just sat here for a while, and realise I can't think of anything to say - words just won't come - so I'll hope to come back later.  I haven't done any reading at all over the weekend, and I really wanted to - but somehow I just haven't had chance.  I'm tempted to go back to bed this afternoon - but I don't know why I want to do that - because I slept ok last night.  Anyway, I'll go now.
Hope 

[Hope67]

I am back again, and I have just finished summarising Chapter 6 of the Dissociation book - and I wanted to say that I feel quite spaced out - and slightly dizzy - and that this happened whilst I was writing things from the chapter, and I noticed that - but kept writing - because I really wanted to complete it.  But it interests me that I was dissociating whilst reading it - and I do feel resistance from some of my parts about doing that process - but I really wanted to do it - at the same time.

The more I'm reading about the things that therapists need to consider when working with people (patients) who are dissociative - it makes me think that it is going to be very difficult to find a therapist that would cope with that kind of work - at least where I live - I think it's not looking hopeful.  I've been considering since re-commencing some paid employment whether I could budget for more therapy sessions for myself - and I have my therapist I saw before - I could still contact her - but I am not sure if she's the right fit for me - I haven't spoken about my dissociative experiences - or indeed many of my inner experiences - with her - and I would be scared to open up to her about that. 

Also, I feel as if I'm making some progress - by reading self-help books - and talking here in the forum about my feelings, thoughts and experiences - I've been able to open up here, more than I've ever been able to in any other situation or with any person.  My partner knows everything though - I have been completely open with him.  So I know that I am lucky to have a life partner that I can do that with. 

It's good to write all of this here - I am feeling less spaced out and I don't feel dizzy anymore.  I feel ok about what I've written.

Hope