So here is my problem, I have suffered a pretty heavy psychotic episode more then a year ago and not to get into too much detail but it started with a sudden 'realization' that my parents were evil, I don't know how else to put it, it was as if all my memories were showing a new perspective that was terrifying, making me conclude that my mom had deliberately sabotaged all my efforts to become independent in childhood to prevent me from ever leaving and standing on my own two feet, it was like a freudian nightmare and I lost my *, to the outside world it seemed 'out of nowhere'.
I burned myself into a frazzle and could no longer sleep or eat, and after a week of that I started hallucinating, thinking I was dying without really dying... I could feel my flesh become loose and I could smell the smell of decay, but when I touched my face I found out it was in my head, and yet the things I saw and felt strook me with such a terror that I really started to believe in religion and * and stuff like that and I just spiraled until I got emergency help and a month of antipsychotics to get me out.
I've never been the same since, I have gained stability and can see the delusions and what was real but everything changed. I have acted ridiculous in that episode to the outside world and said things I normally never would say.
Now when my mom even so much as texts me to ask how I am I am immediately angry, scared and feel the need to put up a huge defensive shield, and so I don't even respond.
I completely isolate myself often when these moods strike, often suddenly something that happened back then springs up in my mind and I am just overtaken with shame and terror, and all I can do is pace around the room and curse to get it out, it must appear like I have tourettes or something.
I have and still am receiving 'help' but all they do is tell me to just 'get on with the day and get a job' but I just feel stuck and paralysed and I'm exhausted just fighting this, and I am in a relationship which makes this all the more complicated. I am just in over my head and I don't know where to go. I never considered that I may have post traumatic stress disorder but the symptoms I see here are so familiar.
I feel like I am a ghost often, hollowed out like you could reach right through me, I have no desire, not even sexual and its killing my relationship, I used to be creative but not anymore, there simply is nothing left and sometimes I feel like I am dead inside
I forgot why I made this post, I'm just stuck in another panic ridden night and I realize I'm not okay...
I know the title appears dramatic but thats literally where I feel I am atm
I'm stuck, literally stuck, I never know what I want and I'm always confused, I see no future worth striving for yet my feqr of deqth leads me to just carry on day by day, smoking and letting time slip away, I seem to have given up on life, I'm craving motivation and the ability to really want something more then anything, god i miss that, my biggest fear is that once that 'something' dies in you it might never come back...
I burned myself into a frazzle and could no longer sleep or eat, and after a week of that I started hallucinating, thinking I was dying without really dying... I could feel my flesh become loose and I could smell the smell of decay, but when I touched my face I found out it was in my head, and yet the things I saw and felt strook me with such a terror that I really started to believe in religion and * and stuff like that and I just spiraled until I got emergency help and a month of antipsychotics to get me out.
I've never been the same since, I have gained stability and can see the delusions and what was real but everything changed. I have acted ridiculous in that episode to the outside world and said things I normally never would say.
Now when my mom even so much as texts me to ask how I am I am immediately angry, scared and feel the need to put up a huge defensive shield, and so I don't even respond.
I completely isolate myself often when these moods strike, often suddenly something that happened back then springs up in my mind and I am just overtaken with shame and terror, and all I can do is pace around the room and curse to get it out, it must appear like I have tourettes or something.
I have and still am receiving 'help' but all they do is tell me to just 'get on with the day and get a job' but I just feel stuck and paralysed and I'm exhausted just fighting this, and I am in a relationship which makes this all the more complicated. I am just in over my head and I don't know where to go. I never considered that I may have post traumatic stress disorder but the symptoms I see here are so familiar.
I feel like I am a ghost often, hollowed out like you could reach right through me, I have no desire, not even sexual and its killing my relationship, I used to be creative but not anymore, there simply is nothing left and sometimes I feel like I am dead inside
I forgot why I made this post, I'm just stuck in another panic ridden night and I realize I'm not okay...
I know the title appears dramatic but thats literally where I feel I am atm
I'm stuck, literally stuck, I never know what I want and I'm always confused, I see no future worth striving for yet my feqr of deqth leads me to just carry on day by day, smoking and letting time slip away, I seem to have given up on life, I'm craving motivation and the ability to really want something more then anything, god i miss that, my biggest fear is that once that 'something' dies in you it might never come back...