Lonely and anxious (trigger warning)

[wintersnow]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for having me here. 

I have CPTSD both from my childhood and from more recent events as an adult. I grew up witnessing domestic abuse and was severely bullied at school, this has always affected my mental health and my ability to form relationships, but I was managing OK(ish!) until my marriage broke down around 5 years ago.

When that happened it seemed to set off a whole chain reaction of rejections and traumas. I lost friends and ended up very isolated, I turned to a professional for support who started an inappropriate romantic relationship with me and became abusive, then I was sexually assaulted by someone I'd thought was a friend. (And of course the Covid lockdowns were in the mix too.)

I think basically the fact that I've never formed especially close relationships with anyone came back to bite me, and then in my desperation I made some unwise choices about who to trust and was taken advantage of.

I now see a lovely, boundaried and very gentle therapist, and it is helping, but I'm feeling stuck. I am still lonely and isolated, which makes my life as a single parent very hard. However, I feel so much anxiety about anything I might do to make friends/get closer to people that it's very hard to change this. The same goes for seeking help from services/professionals.

I'd love to hear from anyone who has experienced this anxiety/isolation cycle and whether you found a way through it.

Thanks for reading. 

Winter

[Paperflower]

Hi Winter,

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry that you had those events happen in your life. No one should have to have that happen to them and not be believed and supported. And I'm sorry you're feeling isolated and alone. I'm so glad that you have found a therapist to help you. I hope that you can also find some resources and support here.

I have also felt a lot of isolation in the last few years for obvious COVID reasons but also just out of fear of being hurt again. I also have trouble with the anxiety/isolation cycle. Mine is due to abandonment and trust issues from childhood and failed relationships so I understand how hard that is. What has helped me is I have found some very supportive online groups, a wonderful therapist, EDMR treatment for CPTSD and also having a very select few friends to keep in contact with and it has helped me tremendously in my healing. These individuals understand when I am feeling overwhelmed and have to reschedule or don't feel up to chat, getting together or meeting.

In addition to these support areas in my life, I find that present moment mindfulness, which is almost a meditation, keeps me grounded when my anxiety is very high. There is a lot of anxiety for me when I'm either living/thinking about the past or living/thinking about the future. Neither of which I can do anything about. If I can just stay in the moment I'm much less worried, much less anxious, I'm able to enjoy this moment. Maybe it might help you as well. Thee are a lot of resources about present moment mindfulness online if you're interested.
 
I know that solution seems simple but I think that's why it works (for me anyway). Regardless, I hope that little trick helps and wish you the best in your healing journey.

Paperflower

     

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

You have had very tough things to deal with and I am not surprised to hear you are struggling. I am glad you have found a good therapist now.

The trust issues resonate very much with me. I was taught by my FOO that nobody other than them can be trusted and since they could never actually be trusted, where did that leave me?

My own therapist has helped me to start accepting that people are not perfect and that good enough friendships are indeed good enough. I would tend to cut and run at the first failure of a friend, although they were often totally unaware of what they had done wrong since I never told them in the first place what I could and could not deal with.

I have found online friendships to be genuinely helpful and supportive and they initially felt way safer to me than face to face. I've been quite an avid user of online forums on various topics over the last few years and it has been very fulfilling. I have eventually met some of my online friends in real life and have not been disappointed. They were just as I expected them to be. The people here have been of huge help because they understand the particular issues we all face, and the zoom group has been more wonderful than I could ever have imagined. Another thing I have been doing is just making a habit of engaging in more day to day interactions. Very minor ones, but with people I see regularly. So I will strike up a conversation with a girl in the locker room at the gym about something banal. But then I "know" that person so the next time I see them it is easier to greet them and have another conversation. Every time I have a pleasant interaction with someone I feel more comfortable about it. I think because I fear other people will engulf me or betray me I have avoided any contact rather than trying really basic, baby steps. But the baby steps are in fact helpful. I can go at my own pace.

I wish you all the best and look forward to seeing you around the forum.

[Elf Power]

Hi Winter,
Welcome! What helped me was learning basic social skills via book Lifeskills for Adult Children by Janet G Woititz. It taught me how to start with making connections and start small.
Also attending groups is helping. A grief support group and Celebrate Recovery is based on the 12 steps for anything you need help with not just addictions.
Many churches provide connections through kids activities. Play dates kids' sports.
It's tough for survivors. But you are not alone. Watch you tube videos about recovery and realize millions are dealing with broken childhoods, marriages, shame. There's something more for us out there or we wouldn't be here seeking healing. God bless you and yours!

[Kizzie]

Winter I'd say that sadly most of us have gone or are going through what you are.  It's relational trauma so relationships are problematic for us understandably. Two of the suggestions here resonate for me.  One is learning that people are not perfect because many of us run at the first thing that isn't 100% as NK wrote.  No relationships or people are perfect, we just think that unless they are, we need to keep our distance. 

The other thing is looking for small opportunities to meet people with shared interests and maybe make a friendship here and there as Elf suggested. We can go slowly, we don't have to jump straight in and then run if it doesn't go exactly as we think it should.

Coming here and sharing is a good first step out of isolation so give yourself credit      

[Bewildered]

Hi Wintersnow.  Welcome to the group.  I am also new here.  I am not in a position to give any advice right now.  But, I can relate to a lot of your experiences.  It really is hard to find someone to trust with deep, long term wounds.  Somehow when we are younger we manage to live somewhat "normal" lives.  But, as time goes on we get hit again and again and we feel like that emoticon with the pile of bricks hitting us over the head.  I am thankful for these groups where we can help one another.