Out of the Storm

So, I decided to start one of these.  :Idunno:

I'm feeling very disoriented right now, from anger. My T appointment went well, I'm making good but slow progress. Seems like the depression was transient and it passed.

I'm working for my mother, the neglector. And the neglector is dealing with the beaurocracy of it all, as I do the heavy work that she's too old to do. Well, she screwed up now and I have to be the one dealing with it. It's nothing really major, but it's added stress at a time when I'm not sure I can handle it. We'll see, it's still some time until June.

She told me "You've dealt with worse"... I kept my cool, but wanted to explode.

Since my impulse control is much better now I just explained why I am angry and she shrugged her shoulders in defiance. I didn't let her push my buttons, I turned my face to the computer and ignored her and she went away. Dinner afterwards and I talked like nothing happened... Need to find better ways to deal. Not engaging means not engaging and I did engage in her manipulation.

I realized she never grew up, she's a child. She acts mature in front of others, but deep down she's a lonely child who never recovered from the abuse she endured. She tried to, it's a given, but she always failed. It's always someone else's fault, either mine for not doing something I'm "supposed" to do or my father was the abuser and she did "what she could with what she had" (common excuse, I am told), or the driver that crossed lanes when she wasn't blinking or whatever.
I don't want to be like her... I want to take responsibility for my actions.

Unfortunately for now I'm disabled and dependent, that will change in a few years. I have absolutely no intention of dealing with this nonsense the rest of her life.

As for how therapy is going, it's going pretty well. My therapist says we need to take it slower than twice a week because it's messing with my moods from my Bipolar, he wants my psychiatrist's take on it too, and I have an appointment with her next week. I feel strong and confident that I will be able to overcome all of this, with baby steps, and I'm not usually one to wallow (just sometimes). I've been practicing self compassion, with all the parts inside of me that need nurishing. It's refreshing. My T told me that I need to learn how to look on them with respect and not dismiss my inner child as something like trash who is always afraid, I need to love myself now and that's my assignment for the next months. Seems easy, right?

Mother's day here today. I have to pretend everything is fine, gave her a gift. An old friend of the family, a kind of sweet second mother, is coming for lunch. That's kind of nice, makes less of a need to crawl out of my skin.

Not even depressed, angry or anything today. Feeling kind of strong, actually. Therapy is working miracles with me, never expected it.

Maybe it's not so bad afterall that I have to keep all this self control over my emotions, given the amount of instability of the past.
I was always very vocal in my teens, dissociated a lot too. The dissociation continues but now I'm able to turn my face and ignore when she tries to push my buttons, which is not that often, well because I'm not so vocal.

I have this mask, a part of me, that is all about sense of humour. So I use it to speak to her, keeping the spirits up and not engage in verbally violent outbursts. I'm very sensitive to agression now, ever since my hospitalization. Sometimes can't even watch an action movie, when I'm too sensitive.

I'm keeping positive though, I changed a lot over the years, she can't blame me anymore.

There's a part of me that hates all parts of me. Hate is a horrible feeling. I hate to hate, maybe the same part that hates all parts hates itself too. I can see it clearly like a black blob of goo.  :blink:

I can hate my parents too, but that leads nowhere. My father had profound issues, way beyond his control. Everyone loved him. My mother has issues beyond her control, everyone else loves her too, nobody ever believed me except for my T, a friend and an exboyfriend.

I've been missing that ex lately, not the relationship itself but his presence in my life. He understood that part of me, tranquilized it. I really wish I didn't have that manic episode and screwed it all up. Well, guilt trip and here we go again, hate. I hated him too.

My self homework for the week is to practice my self compassion to not hate. I'm tired of hate. I see hate everywhere. Some people hate for no reason at all. I have reasons, but I can choose not to hate.

Nightmares every night!

Tonight I dreamnt I was pregnant, something I've decided I don't want until my trauma therapy is over. I'm still young, I can even adopt later in life. But anyway, I dreamnt I was pregnant. The father of the child ran away and I was all alone. The clinic resembled a butcher's shop, it was very disconcerting, they kept trying to lock me in my room. My mother was trying to find me and I kept running away from her, the butcher was helping me. He was the guy that would be delivering my baby. I'm feeling sick to my stomach just remembering.

In analysing this I can only come to the conclusion that the fear of having children and perpetuating the abuses is still very present. I've decided I didn't want children before, after years of wanting them so badly. The fear seems to be most prominent in outside dangers, as I was doing everything I could to protect my unborn child.

Two things arose from this, one is that I still want to have children and in fact would do everything that I could to protect my children instead of causing them harm. The other is that I'm too afraid of the outside world and would probably be overprotective.
Still a lot of years of therapy ahead of me.

On another note, the part of me that hates so much feels nurtured now. I understand why I hate sometimes. Harm was done to me repeatedly, by people I trusted. I tend to go overboard and think everyone is terrible, with evil intentions. Or they're too self absorbed to even think about my well being. Maybe I'm the one being too self absorbed? I honestly don't know.

I tried to listen to what that part of of me that hates has to say, it says the planet is doomed if we don't act now. It says politicians are ruining our lives, it says it's difficult to trust people because they're all bad. It tends to exhagerate  :blink: Like my T told me to do, I talked to it, explained that measures are being taken all over the world to  tackle climate change, that politics change and will change even more during my lifetime, that some people can be trusted, that I'll learn to love again.

This brought me to yet another issue. Love. Love has to be mutual, it's a construct. Hard lesson I learned in life. There isn't a lot of love in my life, so I'm needy of it. I daydream often about it, friends, lovers, ex coming back.

I wish there was more empathy in the world, too.

No nightmares tonight!!! Oh man, I feel so well this morning, not with a pit on my stomach or a sense of dread.

Have my appointment with my psychiatrist today, since the depression has lifted I think it's not needed to up the dosage of my mood stabilizer. She will say what she thinks.

I've been feeling very tired since the EF lifted, going to bed early and waking up later than usual. Sleeping around 9 to 10 hours, seems like I need the rest. I don't have work for two weeks, so I'll take the time to examine further all my parts.

T has schedulled appointments for one and half weeks, not twice a week, since he thought it was doing me more harm than good. Like Blueberry said on another thread, I need to take it slow and my T agreed. So I only have an appointment next week. I've been writing down what I want to talk about in the next appointment, all the parts of me that have been present lately.

On our last appointment he helped understand how to not be taken over by a part, and how to defuse from that part if it does happen. I noticed I was irritable, and that can lead to an extreme anger or rage. So I "talked" (in my head) with that part and let another comprehensive part join the conversation. The anger part just wants to be heard, he usually shouts but in this case he was calm and layed down his troubles. He's trying to protect my inner child and lashes out on people without care of consequences. That hasn't happened in a while, no triggers, so that's probably why I was able to talk calmly with him so well yesterday.

That part used to daydream about a time when my parents were both dead and I was free. Sometimes it still happens. When my father passed I felt such a relief, like it was all over. But I don't think I will feel the same about my mother, since she is in fact making strides to get better even at her age and we've grown to have a better relationship, nothing like what happened when I was young.

It was also the part that raged agaisnt my father and went NC with him. There's also a part of me that feels guilty about it, my T thinks it's one of my inner children, and although I understand why and respect it, it was the best thing I could've done for myself. My father was nothing but toxic and done things no child should endure... I wasn't a child anymore but with him I always felt like one.

Also, I've been wondering if my mood swings are Bipolar related or trauma related and I've been researching about it. The severity of my swings are definitely Bipolar related, for now there is only research on the environmental causation of trauma and other mental illnesses, not trauma being the illness itself. I think it's a question of a normative society, childhood or any kind of abuse is still pretty much desguised and accepted in all corners of the world, even in the western world where we're supposed to be so advanced in terms of human rights. Things are better, but still, it's still horrible.

Another good night's sleep. I don't even remember what I dreamt of.

Psychiatrist yesterday was very helpful. She was very vocal about how my parents completely screwed up with me, that I should not minimize like I usually do just because other people don't see the harm being made. Like the others' opinions matter more than the actual harm made. I guess it's my way to deal right now, if I look at it the way it was, if I remember all the pain and sorrow I will crumble and I don't want to crumble, can't afford to. Need to stay sharp. I refuse to go back to a psych ward, too.

Anyway, she mentioned that when we are children we tend to fantasize about what is happening because we don't have experience for our critical thinking, we can't differentiate harm from normal. We tend to fill the gaps with our fantasies of what we are taught to believe is correct. (No wonder we get so screwed up later...) If one of my parents is a complete screw up and does a lot of harm, and the other is less of a screw up but still does harm, we tend to believe that the one who is less a screw up is our savior. Then they don't save us, or put us in more harms way. We watched tv and movies, we knew what a "perfect" family looked like. We compared.

I talked about being believed and not believing myself. Nobody believed me when I was psychotic "Oh she's crazy, she's delusional". And later I stopped believing in it too, until recently. Now I'm having trouble accepting it. In my mind I was a happy child. My psychiatrist says I just couldn't differentiate harm from normal. I feel like a fake, like I don't belong in this forum, that these symptoms are all part of other mental disorders and that I'm still delusional.

For once, my psychiatrist and therapist believe me. They were the ones who brought it up, they saw the signs. Now I'm the one having a hard time accepting it.

Advice anyone? Comments would be appreciated.

Hi Blackbird,
You said comments were welcome, so I'd like to comment and say that I think you are in the right place here in the forum, as your concerns and difficulties are all part and parcel of what this forum is for - and it's so great to hear that your psychiatrist and your therapist are behind you supporting you and most importantly believing you. 

It was interesting to hear what your psychiatrist said about how we tend to turn to TV and movies to get some idea of what is normal - when our own experience at home can be far from normal.  I did the same thing - it was a way to relate and understand things.

I don't know what else to say, as I often fear that I can't say what I mean - but I did want to comment and I'm glad to hear you've had another good night's sleep.  That is really good. 

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, I mean it.

I was thinking that this feeling of still being delusional when I'm perfectly sane comes from the gaslighting I endured as well with my mother and my exboyfriend later on. One of the things that hurts the most when I was hospitalized in a psych ward was believing them to be right, that I am in fact crazy and it was all my fault. I apologized to my mother, even! Over and over again, crying because I believed it was all my fault.

Well, thank you again. It's good to know that I'm not delusional.

Seems like my sleep is back to normal, I've got back to my fantasy filled dreams, even though I had a hard time falling asleep. My past, not just childhood but adulthood as well, keeps haunting me at those hours and I keep trying to project a more positive outlook on things, sometimes even daydreaming on resolving them - which my therapist says it's healthy.

I try not to think about things too much while I'm awake, I try to keep my thought patterns recovery oriented. When I start ruminating, I've learned to focus on the positives, otherwise I get hijacked and become a total mess.

In the process of the approach I'm doing with my T, I've been learning about how certain parts are in the seat of consciousness, those who are present at the time, it can also be the Self. They can be angry, or uncaring, or too caring, or too forgiving, etc. I realized I've been letting stay in that seat a minimizer, the one who minimizes my struggles and my accomplishments over them. I let him talk yesterday and asked him to step aside, what arose next was the strong one with a sense of humour.

I've learned that it is possible for a part to be present as well as the Self, together. We feel the emotions and thoughts of that part, with the caring nature of the Self. I let that be present for me as far as I was able to take it, it felt really good. I hadn't felt this good in years. A sense of Spring, like the sun is shining and there's a breeze at the same time. Something positive is always welcome.

The sense of dread of yesterday has passed, at least for now. I think I'm starting to be strong enough to tackle my inner child with my T, last time was good during the appointment, but I felt so bad afterwards that he said it will take longer.
My psychiatrist thinks I'm ready, she prepared me for it with her usual empathy. I don't want to retraumatize myself talking about the sexual abuse, but I'm sure we can tackle the other issues, there are so many!

I'm starting to become more confident in my suspicions. When both my therapist and my psychiatrist think there's something there, I'm not going to turn a blind eye just because I don't want to deal with the emotions.
It explains so much, like my  T says. It explains all my behavior in my childhood, teens and early adulthood before the psychotic break. It explains my current behavior as well, now that I think about it.

They let me believe I was delusional, that's on them, not on me. I know something is not right, I need to respect that feeling instead of always thinking of what others will think of me, say or do. I need to do this for me. For my well being.

I don't have illusions that my Bipolar and  OCD will magically disappear. (My OCD is in remission thanks to therapy, but it can come back, as it usually does). I don't have those illusions, but I know I can better prepare myself for the future of my mental health.

I'm feeling very positive today.

I think I've been over-blaming my mother in behalf of not wanting to look at the amount of neglect and abuse I endured by my father. Not that she didn't do harm, still has her "issues" and we struggle with them, but I think I've been projecting most of the blame on her not to look at the devastating harm my father done to me. So here it goes.

This is very triggering, so please don't read if you're sensitive or in the risk of an EF...

It's all a giant fog, I remember bits and pieces, mostly bad things. I will tell some parts I do remember, the less triggering ones.

When people die, there's this tendency of salvaging their image. My uncle, on my father's side, likes to remind us all about the wonders of my father every chance he gets, as in an attempt for us not to remember our father as such as disgrace as he was. His friends do the same. I once met a friend of my father on a bakery by accident, he recognized me and came over, asked if it was me and then proceded to say how much he missed my father and how much of a wonderful person he was, that he regretted not spending more time with him, and so forth. I remember smiling and nodding my head, but screaming in my mind "You have no idea what you're talking about".

There was this air of secrecy that plagues me to this day. It wasn't to be talked about outside of the family the stuff we endured. His name was hardly mentioned, and when people asked about him the response was always in the lines of "Oh, you know how he is..." or "Seems to be in the right direction" depending on wether he was getting treatment at the time or not. But at the same time no one talked about it, everyone else knew. My father didn't exactly hide, he showed off his inadequacy to the world.

I tried to save him dozens of times, from his alcoholism. I was his prey, in hindsight. He would call me for me to feel sorry for him and I would go running. We would have lunch or just talk, but I don't remember what about. My sisters tried to warn me and protect me, but my mother thought I should learn by myself. She didn't protect me, she taught me a lesson that I never forgot. When I was a teen I no longer remembered the pain from my childhood, all I wanted was to have a relationship with my father, even if it was a messed up one. It was never a father-daughter relationship, it was something else that I can't name.

I had my first boyfriend back then, and told my father about him. My father became enraged and tried to slap me, I ran. I started to distance myself then and he never mentioned my boyfriend again.
When my sister was to get married, she went to my father for him to meet my brother in law. He told them the cost of divorce rates, and how marriage always ends in tears and disgrace.

I was messed up already, from school bullies, neglect and some emotional abuse from my mother, neglect and abuse from my father, I was really messed up. I started drinking and doing drugs. I broke up with my perfect boyfriend and began a series of unfortunate events. *trigger* I was sexually abused while drunk, and began a relationship with that guy. Looking at it now, it makes sense. I have the certain feeling I was sexually abused by my father when I was around five years old, old pattern of revictimization.
Then I was expelled from school and my mother sent me to live with my dying grandma. I started a new relationship with a guy that was emotionally abusive. I was 14 at the time. I did exceptionally well in school this time, top of my class and my mother was happy with me. I was starting to have bouts of psychosis back then, thinking nature was talking to me and that I could read people's minds. That phase eventually passed.

I came back to the city to live with my mother. My father would call me every month but I would no longer went to see him so often. We talked on the phone.

On my 18th birthday he called me and instead of congratulating me, he started crying that I didn't give him enough attention, and I exploded. Told him he controlled my life, that I didn't want to save him anymore, that he was trying to commit suicide through alcohol, that he was an awful human being. I never talked to him again. He died two years later.

The guilt of not talking to him again grew incrinsigly profound for years, like I had abandoned him like he did to me.

*trigger* I was then sexually abused again, and again I started a relationship with that person that physically abused me too many times to count. I almost commited suicide by the end, but he didn't let me. I was a complete mess. I asked my sister for help, she said it was "cathartic" that I tried to commit suicide. I thought nobody was going to help me so I expelled the guy out of my house kicking his butt all the way down the stairs, and began a new life.

All of this prolonged abuse triggered an extremelly long manic episode and I ended up in the hospital, back in my mother's house.

Nowadays, my inner child that feels abandoned is extremelly powerful. She's obsessive, angry, sad and a perfectionist with a savior complex. I'm learning to nurture her and listen to her, she says things like "Nobody loves me", "I'm useless", "I'll never be good enough.", "I don't amount to anything but a lifetime of pain". I know these are extremes, but I actually don't see love around me. I know some of my closest friends like me a lot, but it's not love. I don't expect them to love me, either. I don't know if I'm capable of trully loving, trusting, be there for somebody either. I failed a lot of people in my life, because of the feeling of inadequacy and just flat out leaving.

The inner child that revictimized herself, my T says she will no longer do that. Not that she's cured, but there are other "protectors" now, that won't allow her to feel that pain anymore. I don't know where she is, I can't access her knowingly for now.

I'm writing here because I've been unconsciously avoiding talking about my father in therapy for so long, that I need to start letting things out. I don't know what to say about him when I'm in therapy, besides the same story over and over again on how I saw him almost gone. I didn't tell this here, because it is too triggering. I don't remember what happened in those times, in a chronological way. It took me an hour to write this piece of text, because I was scrambling my brain trying to find the words right in the correct order, arranging things in the correct order. But most of it was left out, it's too triggering. Maybe I'll be able to talk about it in therapy, maybe I won't for now.

My life should've come with a trigger warning.

 :hug:

Sometimes there are no words, all I can offer you is a cyber hug. I think when you're ready, the words will come. Until then, be gentle and patient with yourself. ♡

Thank you, Three Roses. A hug is more than enough  :hug:

"The only way is through"

Finally, after months of obsessive thoughts about the past, I was able to daydream about a good future. Last night when I went to bed I felt the need of a good partner, something I haven't felt in a long time after years of all sorts of abuse and abandonment. I even daydreamed about being a mother, craddling a baby to sleep, breastfeeding. I realized my fear of having children is the fear of failure, of repeating patterns. I realized I would never do that, too. So, positively moving forward.

I've been studying the implications of the IFS model on trauma therapy, read research and articles and saw slideshows about it. I'm fairly confident that this time it will be worth it. I feel hope, for a change.

My inner child feels more secure now that I've been nurturing her, she still wants to speak out, still wants to be heard. I realized that it's the first time I'm actually able to resolve this, all other therapies and people in my life who got that I needed help were just bandages for the internal wounds.

I have more inner children, teenagers and adults too. They all want to speak out now, sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. I start to think that I can develop DID  :doh:, but I read that it is a common fear. I think I'm more centered now, more confident, more in the Self. I can feel calm, which in the everlasting state of anxiety I was in, is an extreme relief. It's only momentarily, though, still.

I've been reaching out, pointing the flashlight, to the various parts of me that appear when I'm aware, hearing what they have to say, thanking them and then asking them to move aside to let me be in centered in the Self. It will take a long time before I will be able to be completely in the Self, but the journey is worth it.

They say it usually gets worse before it gets better, and I'm ready for it. Because of my Bipolar, I have a good system in place in case I need to get hospitalized again, which is the worse of the worst options available. I also have in place a house of a friend, near the beach, to go to in case it gets too overwhelming here with my mother. But these are the worst case scenarios, both my T and my Psychiatrist believe that I'm able to handle it without all of this. I like to have my options in place, though.

Feel pretty centered today, so will take the advantage and read more of the book my T gave me to read and do some exercises. I've been avoiding not to trigger myself too much. Seems like the IFS model is already engraved in me and I already do what I need to do automatically, which is pretty cool.
:cheer:

 :cheer:  You're sounding positive and I hope you have another good night's sleep tonight. 

Hope  :)

Thanks Hope! I did have a good night's sleep. I think the EF is finally over this time. I also had a heart to heart conversation with my mother, which helped ease the pain a little bit.
:hug:

My mother told me she loves me yesterday  :aaauuugh: That's right, you read it well. I'm still not sure how to process it, I didn't say it back though, I couldn't. She also said she's proud of all the my achievements as a person, that I've shown her compassion and that she appreciates it. I'm still a bit in shock. Guess her therapy is working too  :blink:

One of my exs, still a friend but not that close, called yesterday. Wants to see me on friday. Don't know if I should go, can bring back the codependency and issues that I really don't need to deal right now. Or it can be liberating, depending on my specific mood that day. I told him I'll check my schedulle.

Therapy tomorrow, there's a lot to talk about, but I want to deal with my inner child. I think there isn't a lot of stressors now, and my psychiatrist assured me I can take it. My only "side effect" from all of this has been difficulty falling asleep, and it's not from the Bipolar because my moods are balanced. I had a half nightmare today, where a bunch of people from my past came back to tell me I was doing everything wrong lol.. I was able to stand up for myself in the dream, that's why I think it wasn't a nightmare.

I've been avoiding reading the book my T gave me, but today I gave it a go. I'm processing right now, and using this platform to do a little self therapy.

I was laying on the couch, trying to keep my obsessive thoughts away, using the techniques my T gave. I was successful, realized the obsessive thoughts were protecting my inner child's pain.

I could get a clear image of her, messy hair, like she was lost in the woods and raised by wolves.

I was able to get a dialogue between her and one of my protectors, the rational one. She said she feels both miserable and deserving of love, lonely and with too many people around her, with too many responsibilities for her to carry but at the same time feeling the need to care for someone. Paradoxical and precise.

Then she vanished and now I'm writing this so she can come back for me to nurture her a bit. Tell her it's okay to feel what she feels, that must be a heavy burden to carry for such a petite and skinny child. That she's stronger than she sees herself.

She's answering that she already knows that. That she could use some help to carry the load, that she's the only part of me that appears when someone needs rescuing.

Now another protector appears (a strong masculine man) and tells her he's there too.

She feels more secure.

I tell her I love her, she doesn't believe me.

I try a different approach, "I love you even if you don't feel it yet". She doesn't believe it's the Self saying so. I tell her that even if it is a part, it's okay, the Self is behind it also.

She's here but she's quiet, like she's waiting for me to say something. Another part of me, a confused and lost part that wants to say something, appears. I tell him there's no reason to be confused and lost, that we're finding ourselves. He feels relieved. I ask him if he wants to say something to the little girl. He keeps quiet.

They don't trust each other, some parts of me made some serious mistakes that harmed us in the past. A part of me says it's because of my injuries, another part of me wants to take responsibility. A mediator appears and says we can have a bit of both.

The inner child feels more connected to them all now. She's smiling.

I tell her it's the true family love. Our inner family is all we need right in this instant. Another part of me talks about financial independence and going back to college at the same time. I ask her to step back a bit, thanking her for her insight. It was a call back to my FOO. "We aren't talking about mom now." Says the mediator. He can be a bit rough. I ask him to say the same thing in a more gentle way. "We're nurturing ourselves, the outside world means very little right now." That's a lot better!  ;D

I just went back to read all this, my mind feels more at ease. I was turning over and over, with cramps and not being able to focus on the reading. All my parts are hidden now, except for the one writing this. I don't feel more of them present. I'm not centered in the Self either, I'm a bit fearful that whoever reads this thinks I'm crazy. I can assure you that, in fact, I have a certificate for that!  ;D

Had an amazing session with my T today. I'm so envigorated!

He believes my mental issues (bipolar, ocd symptoms and gad) all come from the trauma, he thinks "since the harm is done" all we can do is deal with it, so instead on just focusing on the trauma (he thinks I'm a high risk for retraumatization, considering all my reactions to the events that happened lately), we're focusing on controling the symtpoms of the disorders I do have right now, with the same non pathologizing method, at the same time dealing with the parts of me that are traumatized.

He thinks eventually it can lead to a life without medication. I'm really excited about this possibility.

 :applause:  :applause:  :applause:

 :cheer:

Me and my T yesterday talked about my mother's need for control and her competetiveness with me, he said those are classic narcissistic traits. We came to the conclusion that it comes also from the abuse she endured in her childhood, it's forgivable and worth mentioning that she is in fact better, not perfect as I never expect her will ever be, she's much less competitive and much less controlling. Maybe the standards she puts for herself, I expect them also, which is not fair and will bring her further sadness and me consequentially, because she will blame me. Of course, this is easier said than done.

Yesterday I was feeling good and had a talk with her about money and getting paid to work for her, an exact amount. Instead of me having to ask, as soon as I touched the subject she said she wanted to pay me, that it wasn't fair that I've been working a lot for little to nothing, or not enough to save some aside. Now I'll have a better grip, I'm good at saving money so that will be cool.

Money issues aside, back to her issues, and my father's. My T reminded me of my own therapy with my parts and reminded me that they also have (had in his case) parts of their own, that they are not in control of them as much as I am and that I should have a little patience in dealing and not explode at the first sign of a stepback.

I was thinking this morning, and I think we put such high expectations for everyone to be perfect. I know I'm not perfect at all, I was shocked with myself and the things I said and did during my manic episode, I lost control. And people do lose control. After me and my T's appointment I was able to forgive my mother a little bit. Just a little bit, which felt nice. Never my father, though, that person is unforgivable. But she is in pain for not being perfect all the time, like her parents wanted her to be.

My father was extremelly abusive, now that I've started to think harder about it. He also learned it from his father, but he was spoiled by his mother that forgave him for everything and defended his every move. As much as I loved my grandma, she was an enabler and I see it now. I don't know what part my grandparents played in the abuses my father did, but I know my grandpa and him were always fighting. He was their only son, my grandpa eventually moved out and let him take the house all for himself, to fill up with hookers, pimps and booze.

The "oh but he was a good person" bubble is officially burst. I don't intend on keeping myself in my imaginary bubble that he was perfect anymore. He abused me and my mother as well, and I remember it perfectly. I blamed her for so long though, because he was sick. I have the same mental disorders as him and I behave myself and take responsibility for my actions. Maybe I learned from him, not to be like him. Maybe that's my biggest lesson.

On accepting all of me as I am. It's really difficult, my inner critic is very strong and harsh. He calls me stupid and I repeat it out loud.

So, I've been working on self acceptance, like in the therapy I'm doing is all about accepting all the parts of us, even the ones we don't like, I've been spending the day just nurturing my inner critic and he is calmer. I feel calm too.

There are other parts that have been really present lately, and today I dealt with them all with compassion. Talking to them, understanding what they have to say, answering back and promoting dialogue. Seems crazy, and sometimes some other part of me would say "This is nuts", but then it made sense that it's just my fear of losing it again.

I'm aware that if I don't do this every single day until it becomes second nature to me, it won't last. That means having compassion for others too, even when I feel they don't deserve it or are somehow inferior. This is quite the battle, but slowly I'll get there.

As my T says, all parts are important and play a role, accepting them and accepting myself is the key.

Weird dream again. Started as a nightmare, I ended up saving myself from my abusive ex. This comes in a time when I'm more comfortable in maybe meeting someone new, having a relationship. I'm craving a bit of intimacy and love, probably because I was confronted with the reality of being so neglected, I want emotional, deeper support, more than what my T and friends can give me.

I'm not sure I'm ready yet, but I start to be, which is good. Still fearful, not sure if I can see the red flags of abuse early on. Not sure if I'm able to meet the right person to be with me.

Right now, living with my mother, being 30 and with few but good friends, I can only dream. Not much I can do, I can't move out now. I think it's good I'm craving love after so long of being absolutely sure love didn't even exist, that it was a made up fairy tale to amuse our egos. I'm starting to believe it does exist and that some day I will be ready to face the challenges of a fulfilling relationship.

My T is certain that I won't fall back into old habits, that I will not tolerate even the slightest sign of abuse. I just hope he's right.

I've been daydreaming a lot, with good future possibilities, without falling for the traps of the inner critic, of catastrophic thinking and the pits of drama for sure.

I just want to be happy.

My ex insisted on me spending some quality time amongst friends, so I agreed to meet him next week.  :Idunno: Don't know if it will be good for me or not, I think I've grown. My inner child will probably like spending time with him, always felt comfortable around him and his family. We'll see, it won't hurt to spend a few hours with him and see where my feelings land this time.

On other news, I've started to exercise daily now. I haven't done any exercise for years now, I was quite the athlete when I was younger. Now I'm fatter and lazier due to meds and all the mental issues, so I restarted to do some exercise. I feel better, more energy already. Hope in a month or so it will start to notice on my body. I have a lot of body issues, I was always so skinny and now I'm almost weighting 70kg, that's a bit too much for my height.

I've been dealing with several parts of me, as therapy is concerned, but am offuscated by the obsessive thoughts and daydreams about a better future than the current reality. I've been promoting healthy dialogue between parts, not shutting off the inner critic completely, but allowing him to be polite in his criticism, giving the opportunity for the affected parts to defend themselves. It's interesting, like my T warned me, they have personalities and wants of their own. If I try to shut up the inner critic or force him to step aside, he just comes back angrier. So, giving him his prime time allows me to take the criticism, analyse it and come to my own conclusions, with self respect and he gets his own way of blabering about how miserable I will be forever.

He has a point though, if I allow myself to stay miserable, that's what will happen. My parts aren't my enemies, they are part of me and want the best for me, even the self destructive ones (those have the intention of protecting me too, in their own way). So, my inner critic serves his purpose of voicing all the bad things I think about myself, allowing the Self to mediate, the protectors to protect my inner children from that toxicity and to act on all the parts behalf in an open dialogue with him.

As it's been going all he says is that I'm going to die alone and that nobody cares about me, that I'm difficult (my mother's words, repeated), that I'm conceited, that I don't deserve the best. A protector answers that time will tell, that I'm building more solid relationships, that I'm growing to be a better human being, that I deserve love and affection like everybody else.

What at first was a pull/push of strenghts, now the inner critic is quieter and listens and sometimes doesn't fight back. I think allowing that protector to speak gives me more confidence.

This brings me back to meeting my ex and why I think I've grown out of love with him. He's a complicated person, not a bad person, but he has issues. Our relationship was filled with drama, we were too young too. I don't see myself with him again at all, and being friends with him, although it can be good, can bring feelings back and allow me to forget all the complicated issues that I remember so accurately now. A year ago, my T said it wasn't a good idea to meet him, but I was on another place, much more fragile and vulnerable.

Well, we'll see what all of this brings. 

Ugh, a nightmare again. I was back in my old life, with my old friends, doing drugs and chasing parties in the woods like the old days. They wanted to eat whale (I'm an environmentalist activist) and I went with it, happy. I couldn't control myself, but my I was there in the background saying "this is not good, get out of here". Woke up sweaty and in panic, with that horrible feeling of having lost control again. It took a while to calm down. My kitten helped me, she always understands when I'm having trouble, and climbed on my bed and gave me kisses. That helped a lot.

I think it was triggered by my fear of confronting the past, like I would get back on that boat in a heartbeat. I don't want to run away from the part of me that has evolved from all of that insecurity, I think I really need to confront my past and say it in its' face that I'm not coming back to that.

I've been sleeping a lot lately, I think it is a reaction post-EF. Or maybe I'm still in its tail. I feel calm during the day, have been trying to lose weight by eating better and exercising, which makes me more energized and happy during the day, with that "I can conquer all" feeling, but when the sun starts to set the depressive feelings start to creep in and I go straight to bed, sometimes just eating a sandwich with my meds. I don't know if I can go on like this, but I need to set my internal clock straight again.

I hate these nightmares, they completely screw up my day. I'm going to focus on self therapy today, since I have the day all to myself.

Oh, a "friend" wants to schedulle a dinner for next week too. They always embarass me in public, always bickering over what's good or not and making snarky remarks to the waiters, complaining about the food. I don't want to go with them anywhere. They make me feel guilty for not being a better friend. Where are they when I need them? They just pretend to care, they don't really care. 

This is not a very recovery-ish post, more like a vent. I'll try to turn it into a more recovery-ish vent...

It turns out it's impossible to talk to my friends or to share ideas with them about anything, they all turned closed minded and with fixed ideologies or conspiracy theories and it has become impossible to have a simple conversation without feeling the need to explain myself or "live up" to their expectations, which to me are quite low. Maybe that's how they feel around me too, and use a sort of reverse psychology mechanism to cope with it. So I shut up, and I have no one to talk to about the issues that interest me. It's like I'm living in my own little bubble, with a minimal support system and a very big need to vent it all out. Since my psychotic break, I lost all my credibility, I'm the insane one now, even if the time I actually was insane was shorter than the time I actually am sane.

It would be nice not to have to explain that child abuse does happen, more often than people realize, and that the solution of the world's problems are not more prominent family roles, it would be nice to be accepted as a person who doesn't feel the need to follow herds or certain ideas if I respect others that have completely different ideologies than mine, sometimes even opposite. I don't want to play a part in the agressiveness of what the world has become lately, so full of violence and hatred. I'm definitely not a part of that, so I will become even more of an observer of reality, not participating much, at least for now.

I'm an activist and I've decided to turn my back on that for a while, because people will be people and they hate too much. They don't try to work with other people, they succumb to the hatred and become blind.

I was called a communist for sharing a video of a philosopher and his contribution to psychology. It's not that I'm even bothered by the joke-slash-insult (their view of it, I don't see any political science as an insult), it's more my recognition of the person's need to call me that. If they have to resort to that to invalidate my input, then I have no need for their presence in my life. Talk about setting boundaries as another thread here somewhere pointed out yesterday... I simply ignored it and moved on with my life.

So yeah, another bit of my life shattered. Feels like I'm only destroying bits of me, trying to find myself in the already shattered mess. I miss my old self, the in denial self, that walked through life kinda floating around high on whatever or drunk on life, and not paying attention. But that part of me had a lot of strenght to fight, now my efforts go somewhere else and it feels like, on the surface, that nothing is changing and that I'm in my comfort zone, when I'm dealing with the horrible things that happened in the past 30 years.

So, recovery-ish part: It's a step forward to be able to step back from things and people that are actually harmful to my well being, especially mentally, that take up my time when time is so precious. I think I was sticking to it to feel that in some way I mattered, I was making a change, when I was just hating. I'm tired of hate. The world has enough of it already.

Good vibe right now, starting next week I'll have more time alone, as my mother will have to restart her job and I will be in charge of all the rest. Is there an emoji for relief?  :yahoo: This one will do! I will have more time for introspection and self help, in putting my recovery first instead of her needs.

I deleted all my social media profiles, ignored emails, and will procede in starting to restart my life. I have the confidence of just doing it, without really thinking too much about that.

Me and my abusive ex used to follow theater, movies, art shows, etc. When we broke up I turned my back on all those things because they reminded me of him and relied on crappy culture for far too long, that ends now. He's not a part of that, he's just the person I used to go with and didn't even have fun with him anyway, maybe now I'll enjoy it more. I always enjoyed going alone to see a film, or to an art gallery. I can take my time, I can be quiet and not talk during the movie.

Since my hospitalization, I became increasingly more withdrawn, living on fantasy land so I didn't have to deal with reality. I've been talking to my inner children, the ones who withdraw from reality, and they feel more confident in dealing with the real world now.

I'm changing my sleeping patterns, going to bed later and waking up a little later too. It isn't going so well, all I'm doing is sleeping less, because I wake up at 5am anyway... And then I feel like sleeping in the middle of the afternoon because I'm so tired. I will keep trying, though, don't want to keep going to bed at 7pm.

These are objectives for the next few months, I don't want to do everything at once and become overwhelmed. I'm still at that stage of being a heartache just to get out of the house for a bit, for coffee or something. So, taking it slow.

I just feel the need to be more proactive in my recovery and not relying just on my therapy sessions. They have the purpose to guide me through every day life, if I don't take advantage of that I will be in "freeze" mode for far too long, as I am now.

Things will work out for me, I'm halfway there.

My relationship with food has always been complicated, like every other relationship I have had.

During this process on harmonizing the relationships between all my inner parts, inner children, critics, protectors, etc... I've come to realize the only way I learned to cope was with unhealthy coping mechanisms, not sure about how they developed into full blown disorders but there you have it, they did. The scars are deep, and I'm only at the surface right now.

Lately I've been eating healthy and exercising, taking better care of myself, not listening to what others say to make me feel better "Oh, you look great!" "You're not fat at all"... And all of that stuff that is very PC but not helpful or truthful.

So I realized, reading an article today, that I always looked as food as either my enemy or a coping mechanism (sweets, junk food, comfort fattening food). Lately that's changing, I'm engaging more in cooking recipes that not only taste good but are healthy too, so food is not my enemy or a coping mechanism anymore, it's feel-good fuel. My clothes are starting to fit better again, even though I have a long way to go. My belly shrinked a bit, which I'm very happy about.

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, inside and out. Therapy alone won't do it, I need to be proactive in my relationship with life in general. I think starting to have a healthier relationship with food, which is our sustenance, helps me have healthier relationships in general, not settling for just not feeling lonely and not enduring any kind of abuse or manipulation from anyone. Food came as a substitute for love, I binged crying because I was alone. Before that, I exchanged food for love, I hardly ate and weighted 40kg, skinny as a stick.

One of my abusive ex's used to constantly check my weight and warn me when I gained some weight, making fun of me. I had to always be skinny, never weighting above 47kg, which was below the healthy level. Sigh...

But as my T says, I'm different now and refuse to endure any more abuse. So, as rebellion against that I want to reach a healthy weight, toning my muscles and feeling better about myself, not because of others but because I now loathe to look myself in the mirror.

Then the paradox arises, thinking wether I want to lose weight because of my inner critic, listening the annoying voices of those who called me fat, or rather to really feel good about myself. I'm choosing to believe it's to feel better, since I actually am feeling a lot better (more energy, more activity, more pleasure out of life) and to have a healthier sense of self, feel in control of something instead of allowing food to be my enemy.

Quote from: Blackbird on May 29, 2017, 07:37:08 AM
I'm choosing to believe it's to feel better, since I actually am feeling a lot better (more energy, more activity, more pleasure out of life) and to have a healthier sense of self, feel in control of something instead of allowing food to be my enemy.

That sounds a great step Blackbird! Says one with an eating disorder to another.

Thank you Blueberry for the encouragement  :hug:

I haven't binged in a month or so, maybe a bit more. I'm not starving myself either, which is great. If I'm hungry, I eat some fruit or low calorie crackers. I've been eating lots of veggies too :)

Now a different subject that I came here to put into words, related to relationships with people. I've been reading on NPD, Sociopathy and Psychopathy and realized all my big three "loves" (so far) have traits of these disorders, the first one sociopathy, the second one NPD and the third one psychopathy. Big red flags while reading on the subject, like my mind has been opened. I'm NC with two of them, except the sociopathic one.

My relationship with him is distant, but present. As you who read me probably realized by now, I'm too tolerant (mother, father, entire family, friends, etc) putting myself in dangerous situations. With him it was always amazing, too good or too bad too. But I accepted him with his issues, complicated issues (rage outbursts towards his loved ones), and realized later when he was with another girl and we were friends that he did dwell a lot on evil things, and became incrisingly more on the dark side as the years passed by. Breaking the law a lot, doing a bunch of stupid stuff... He eventually stopped that as far as I'm aware. But I don't know how he's doing inside his head. I'm a good friend of his family, and maybe because they are so welcoming of my presence and make me feel like part of the family (something I'm very vulnerable of, of course), I haven't completely erased my presence from their lives. I keep my distance, though. We chat through text messages but nothing too personal, just chit chat. I think it's time for me to break completely from that relationship and move on with my life to greener pastures.

The other two, the NPD one was very abusive. The one who kept my weight on a low threshold. Physically, sexually and mentally/emotionally abusive, to say the least and use few words. Then he appeared as my rescuer right before I was hospitalized, as per my then "friends" request. He does know how to keep appearances... Well, this relationship is a big trigger of course for me. This whole thing of being diagnosed with CPTSD came with him trying to lure me back into his life, calling my sister because I wouldn't answer his messages and so forth. My T and Psych then realized there was something more than just simple PTSD, given my symptoms and how I reacted to that attempt of approach. My sister dealt with it, I didn't talk to him. For so long I thought I only had PTSD from this relationship, but turns out it was just another symptom of something much larger. If I ever encounter him again, I hope I will be strong enough to deal without spiraling out of control again.

Then, the last one. He pulled a bunch of tricks on me, that I now recognize as being psychopathical. He even had that stare, that is commonly known. He cheated, showed me, made me feel inferior. He had a huge control over my emotions. I was madly in love with that one and it took me a long time to forget him, years. He went NC with me, actually, but that's another story for a different time, another trauma related to my psychosis. I can say I was too crazy for him to deal, which isn't too bad given the circunstances. lol One has to laugh, otherwise the pain takes over.

Well, all this to say that even though these people were in my life and made a mess out of me, I endured and here I am. They have no control over me anymore and one of the focuses on my therapy has been learning how to recognize the red flags and learn how to appreciate good relationships.

I feel weak because I allowed myself around so much evil througout my history, but a bit stronger too because I was able to overcome that.

My T appointment tomorrow will be interesting for sure.

**TW**

So... my T says it's time to stop running, that we're not dealing well enough with the underlying issues, that we're barely scratching the surface for more than a year now and that something needs to change in our dynamics. Of course I blamed myself, but he said it's not my fault or responsibility, that he allows the distractions in fear of retraumatizing me.

He was very adamant in letting me know what my current issues are, without criticizing. I was beginning to forget and dismiss the possible sexual abuse, and he reminded me that I have all the symptoms, just not the memory of it. I hate this idea that he's pushing me to believe that something happened, destroying the bubble of the slightly dysfunctional family dynamics I once had, replacing it by the terror that was actually present. I'm not blaming him though, it did happen, I can't barely go to the Sexual Abuse subforum in fear of being triggered. I haven't spoke about my father in the latest appoinments either, like the forbidden subject that it is in my head.

I explained that since I'm living with my mother, it's extremelly difficult for me to look into her abuses without filling myself with anger or vulnerability, allowing her to perpetuate the blame game, making it all my fault again, retraumatizing me all over again and putting me in a position of having to be extremelly fake in order to overcome the rest of my life's obstacles that I face now. He understands, but thinks that if I allow myself to put my foot down and take control over my life that I will grow as a person, that I can do that without being confrontational and agressive. Something I have to learn, I guess.

So, we approached the revictimization part of me without allowing her to take over. It was progress, because it didn't send me to an EF, I had dissociation and dizzy spells during the appointment, and had to sleep all afternoon after the appointment to shake it off. Then later into the night I had a nightmare and woke up at 5 am, couldn't go back to sleep. So, it messed a bit with me but I know I have to allow it to happen to really pin point exactly what we need to deal with in therapy. We're back to weekly sessions, too.

The nightmare was about the idea of love, I felt it in my heart, but the things around me that happened were messed up and preverse, toxic relationships with toxic people from my past. They were rescuing me from my mother, just for me to land myself in another toxic situation. But I was feeling love, I was feeling joy that they were back, that those preverse things were happening. Woke up all sweaty and shaking, not believing that I was actually capable of putting myself in that situation again and again and again.

The part of me that revictimizes herself is very strong, she learned how to do it when we were just a child and never let go of that behaviour. She learned how to accept any kind of abuse and just roll with it, thinking she is strong to endure some more. Another part of me is tired of her, and wants her gone, dead. My Self wants to heal her, because I recognize she has good qualities, and they need to be cherished. This was the only progress in therapy this week, it was frustrating.

We also talked about my "end of the line" part, the suicidality part. It hasn't been present, but my T wanted us to aknowledge that it exists, although it's not a problem right now, it can be when we go deeper. The last time he came (and almost succeeded) I was blind by shame and pain, that can surely happen again and we don't want that.

I'm a bit frustrated today and don't know where to turn. I told my T yesterday that I want to haste progress, "Lets go, come on, hurry up". My T reminded me that it is another part of me, not my Self. Then we talked about how curious my Self is to ther other parts, how present it has been. Ugh, it's a step backwards for me. I was able to distinguish parts from the Self but now I feel I'm unable to again.

Then the daydreams, the "morphines" as my T calls them, the dissociations and all of that, that appear to distract me from progress.

I need to have patience, this will take so much longer, I'm just in the beginning.  :stars:

Crash imminent... Forgot to take my meds yesterday, hopefully I won't crash today and tomorrow will wake up better. Not the best timing to forget my medication, I'm still raw from the last T appointment. Crash for me means not being able to get out of the couch all day, not taking care of myself, not being able to discern the bad thoughts from reality.

So I will try to sum up what has happened so far...

Realized a bunch of things
- I'm angry and in repressing that I might get health problems...
- Can't let my anger go, or release it fully, so I exercise.
- *TW small part* I have a deep part of me that is self destructive, wants to shut the entire system down. But instead of just getting it over with, I sleep it off. I'm actually kind of proud of myself for that, I could be so much worse, but instead I keep the survival mode on, in hope of a better future. *TW over*
- I don't feel I fit in anywhere, I'm always an outsider looking in at everything. This brings me both satisfaction, as if I'm somehow different from the herds and that's a good thing, and sadness, because well, we all want to fit in somewhere.
- The damage done to me is too big to fit in my mind right now. I feel I'm not yet ready to face it, yet I'm forced to by just living with my mother.
- I want to release it, but I can't cry again, something blocks me. It's like this giant wall of strenght keeping me from trully feeling the anger and the pain, like I'm not allowed to feel. I need to feel.
- In allowing the further abuse after my childhood, I dealt with so much evil that I see evil intentions everywhere now. I've become rather paranoid about others, always thinking they have the worst in mind, either about me or things to do to me.
- I know what steps to take in my life but don't have the strenght to take them. All I want now is peace.

Good things:
- I'm very strong and resilient. I've endured so much in so little time that I deserve this break to just allow myself to heal a bit.
- My mother isn't staying at home all day for the next few years as she started working on a new job, I have time to process my emotions from now on. Today is day one of that, I'll go back to my books.
- People, shmeokle. I don't need to be surrounded with people in my life to be happy, just a few good friends is enough, and I've learned how to appreciate the good people in my life more these past few months.
- I will take my T's advice and stop running, I will face my issues head on, even if that means getting worse before getting better.
- Work has been good, it will be better without my mother's interference. Yesterday I was able to keep my cool as she had a small meltdown.
- This whole experience of realizing my mother too is a survivor of abuse made me more compassionate, and maybe that's why I don't feel the need to be angry at her. But the lingering issue of "maybe I should" continues... For future reference though.
- Realizing my father was a complete piece of *.
- Realizing all my relationships were somewhat abusive, and some very abusive.
- None of those people have control over me anymore.

That's enough for today.  :hug:

QuoteI don't feel I fit in anywhere, I'm always an outsider looking in at everything. This brings me both satisfaction, as if I'm somehow different from the herds and that's a good thing, and sadness, because well, we all want to fit insomewhere.

I used to feel like I was a different species. I knew I wasn't, but I felt so different that I didn't know what to think.

QuoteI want to release it, but I can't cry again, something blocks me. It's like this giant wall of strenght keeping me from trully feeling the anger and the pain, like I'm not allowed to feel. I need to feel. 

Me, too. I keep reading how anger will help you heal but I just can't get in touch with that emotion. Can't cry, either. I'd love to be able to.

 :bighug: to you Three Roses.

On not fitting in, I found a good Ted Talk about it, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnooCepNZv4. It was funny because it was just a few minutes after writting this and I wasn't even looking for it. Made me feel better.

I wish I could release it all. The anger being subsided is actually good for me, for a lot of years I exploded with so much frequency everyone was afraid of me. Now I'm gentler and only explode when my boundaries are being severely pushed aside, which I don't tolerate well at all. Crying though, I can't do it. I cried when I was triggered into an EF, reading about sexual abuse. But since then I can't.
My T says I need to have a ritual with the elements. Either with fire, or by the sea, or in the wind, or with the soil. He thinks that a ritual might help my IC to release her burdens.

I just made an incredible journey with my IC just a few moments ago, with a guided meditation from Youtube. I'm feeling so relaxed that I'm afraid all the relaxation will go away. Tomorrow I'll do another. :)

Well, I crashed. And crashed hard. Trying to maintain my head above the water.

Constant nightmares, constant need for sleep, falling asleep in front of the tv and having more nightmares isn't helping.

I've been trying to keep busy, but that only makes me more tired. Can't stand in front of the computer long.

Triggered by accessing my IC, and feeling the unbelievable amount of pain in a ball in the center of the chest, also triggered by the last appointment with T, which left me raw and with unfinished business. He did prolong the appointment, it was just not enough. Feeling a bit lost inside myself without guidance, but will have to make until the next appointment this week.

Nighmares consist of me living happily ever after with my abusers and enjoying it, while my Self is in the back of my mind telling me "This isn't right", it's recurring and I always wake up entrenched in sweat and with palpitations in my heart. The content is always different, though, the theme is the only thing recurring.

Wishing for a better tomorrow. Will take a walk now.

Hey Blackbird, I hope you're feeling a tad better after your walk.

I'm sorry you're in such a bad phase right now. I don't feel strong enough in myself to say anything useful to you but am sending you  :hug:  :hug:

Quote from: Blackbird on May 31, 2017, 05:55:38 AM

The part of me that revictimizes herself is very strong, she learned how to do it when we were just a child and never let go of that behaviour. She learned how to accept any kind of abuse and just roll with it, thinking she is strong to endure some more. Another part of me is tired of her, and wants her gone, dead. My Self wants to heal her, because I recognize she has good qualities, and they need to be cherished. This was the only progress in therapy this week,

If I may say so Blackbird, that is tons of progress, all these conflicting realisations about parts of Self as a child and now and seeing the good qualities that need to be cherished!  :applause:  :cheer:

Also in the same post, I read of more progress from you. It sounds as if you have a competent therapist, even if the going is tough right now. I'm happy that you have a therapist who sounds as if he can guide you well through this.

Thanks Blueberry  :hug: It means a lot. It did help to get out for a bit. I dreamt in the afternoon again, but don't remember what, which is good.

And tonight I dreamt about letting go of abusive people, there were several, including politicians lol So I guess I'm am getting better. I don't expect a smooth ride to getting better, but I wish my dreams weren't plagued with those people.

I think you're right, Blueberry, it's good progress. But still, to have all these nightmares I think I'm too fused (like my therapist says) with that part of me. I will do some exercises from my book today on how to defuse.

Thank you again, it means a lot to feel I'm not alone.  :hug:

I cleaned so heavily yesterday that by the end of the day I couldn't move because my body was completely sore. It was good to let out the built in anger with the repetitive movements of cleaning, I imagined vaccuming my worries away.
Well, I slept better tonight, deeper, but the dreams about the exs continued. This time was the latest one and we were getting married.  :blink: :doh:

I think the last appointment with T left this revictimizing part of me completely out in the open, taking over my mood and sleep time in her attempt of communicating with me. The thoughts I have are all negative... "I'm too tired" "I will never get out of this hole" "Nobody cares" etc. I feel stuck in a repetitive loop of the past, and it's exhausting. I think she is the one feeling this, I'm too fused with her.

Today I have the day to myself and it's a hot rainy day, so I'm staying in with my pets. Will take the time to maybe write a dialogue, to help her come out in a more recovery-ish fashion, instead of continuously pushing me to wake up in a "Oh no, not again" state.

I might try and exercise a little, maybe just 10 minutes, if my body allows it, just to feel better.

I've been counting calories in order to lose some weight. I think it's just another way of changing my eating disorder into a less chaotic eating disorder. I'm still obsessed about food, but this time about how little I can eat in order to be healthy. I don't have intense sugar cravings or binge cravings anymore though, it morphed into an obsession of being fit. I don't want to feel this way, if I eat a potatoe chip I feel like a failure. Maybe I should just accept my extra weight and try to feel comfortable in my own body, I think that should be the healthy thing to do.
Also, I watched a documentary on consciousness and think of becoming a vegetarian again. It was the healthiest period of my life, back then, and I think it's just cruel to eat animals who have a conscious mind and self-awareness. To be honest, I think plants just have a different kind of consciousness that was not discussed in that documentary, they just talked about what resembled humans.
My mind is mush, don't know what to think. 

I've been meditating, first with guided now just with ambience music, letting myself relax and talking with my inner children with compassion, learning to listen to them and appreciate their input (sometimes it seems they're more in tune with my current situation than my current depressed part that has taken over is). It seems to have begun an amazing healing process, I'm still down but I have inner strenght, am active and with interest in the future. I didn't even have a nightmare tonight :)

I've started planning the future yesterday, not concerning anyone else's opinions but mine. I will be able to let go of the barriers that were put in front of me, for sure. I have an amazing T and few but very supportive friends, but most of all I have myself and all that I've learned so far. I don't know what's in store for me, how hard it will be either, but I know I've been through worse and that the healing has begun.

I realized I've been reading too much into all of this, that I retraumatized myself and that I need to step back and focus on healing. I spend too much time online or reading books in hope of remembering something, or trying to force the process. So, I've decided to step away from online forums for a while, books and all that is too triggering for me. I'm no help to anyone if I can't even help myself.
I've decided to give more time for the good parts of my internal family to come out and play, that means spending more time in nature and just with plain curiosity for life, culture and everything that is available for me to grow as a person, not only focusing on what happened to me. It happened for too long, and it needs to lose its' power over me.

So, I don't know if I will come back here. Thank you for all the support, I mean it. Understanding the works of C-PTSD was very important for me, and you all helped me even if we didn't communicate directly. :)

Wishing you all healing and a nurturing and fulfilling life.
  :hug: :wave:

I know you will do what's best for you! You are brave and insightful, a winning combination. Wherever your journey takes you, you have my warmest regards. Best wishes for a brighter future! :bighug:

Best wishes to you Blackbird and thank you for sharing what you did here!  :wave: