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Hey guys,
Humbled by your responses
Thank you

'Come sit beside me' I said to myself, and
(although it doesn't make sense)
I held my own hand, as a small sign of trust
And together I sat on the fence.

I've always loved that ditty, says it all really!

I've written here on other threads about my sickening fear of noise, how it triggers my emotional flashbacks. I have a great deal more understanding now, than I had before. I'd just like to share something I did which was so positive, it really built me up!
I live over the road from a pub. It is fair and reasonable for an 'adult' to expect a certain amount of noise from a pub, even a local country pub, like this one. It's recently changed hands and they celebrated one night with a raucous karaoke party. I was triggered and terrified but knew to react when I was calmer and not in the heat of a flashback.
The next day, although feeling sick, I eventually rang the pub....I'd already worked out how to let them know I'd been kept awake without being unfriendly.
"Bloody *,' I said, 'you guys know how to party!"
He apologised profusely, explained and we got chatting and laughing. Thinking how I could better manage my phobia I suggested that the pub hold a "meet the neighbours' social and he thought it
was a great idea. It was a great success and the pub now has them monthly. I've met my neighbours and made new friends at the pub.
I haven't cured my fear of noise but last month I slept through the karaoke! Albeit wit double glazing ear plugs and a fan BUT it's a massive, massive success!

We did have a good day.
When I got back I laid down in a darkened room with a fan on (me too!) I was worried about coming back to the house in case I triggered so I promised myself if i DID trigger I'd use it as an opportunity to practise being kind to myself. I find the cool and the dark soothing. At least I'm  learning to self soothe!
I addition to the fan I use the washing machine, dryer and dishwasher to provide white noise.

I'm glad you are in a better place than you were before

Thanks Libby! I'm going out in the sun with my husband today. I fear coming back to our house because our house is where I trigger. I shall be gentle and compassionate with myself when we return and if I need to sit quietly somewhere 'gloomy' I shall!
It's learning not to sit in shame because youre having to hide.

I read Pete Walker's Homesteading in the Calm Eye of the Storm, last night. The idea of an abandonment melange of shame and fear is EXACTLY what I've experienced.
Reading OOTS is so helpful and getting a reply is so validating
Thank you

Definitely
And I didn't know it until (at age 30) my mother told me I'd always been difficult

'You were always difficult. You were difficult as a baby. I had to hit you to make you cry so that you'd fall sleep' (elegant piece of victim blaming!)

I remember her taking my head, taking my brother's head and crashing them together. I was only a toddler and my brother was younger but I still feel the dizziness and recoil. I remember blood from a head wound. I think she pushed me into a wall.

I remember learning from the earliest age possible that it's just not worth going to mum. It's not gonna work. No nurture, no comfort, no warmth. She needs you to be good, don't ask for anything. Have no needs.
That and other things......
So, yes, years later the nightmares, the phobias, the hypervigilence, the eating disorders, the inability to form intimate relationships ....
And then the self doubt, because it was all so early
They really stitched me up.

Hi Hope,
What a beautiful name and thank you so much...

Our inner selves are fragmented, aren't they. I see myself as a toddler, as a ten year old and as a seventeen year old. The seventeen year old has had the least attention to date. Which is ironic because nobody noticed her at the time, either. That she's speaking to me now must mean I am in a strong enough place to hear it.
Despite the fear and the phobias my husband is my angel. I'm still protecting my 'weak' mother from knowing anything about me.

It still amazes me that I could have lived through a time when I was so disassociated from my feelings that weakness, hunger and numbness felt like a relief.

Anyone else find great weather triggers them? I've just had the most massive EF to being 17 and feeling so bereft I starved myself. I don't think I consciously wanted to die but I knew I couldnt  live. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't live and nobody noticed. Nobody noticed I was starving myself. How can you be so alone in your family that no one notices you'd rather waste away than live? I had to hide my shameful self away
Good weather meant being young and carefree and out there and social and sexual. It meant being in love with life and opportunity. I couldn't do that because my dad terrified me and my mum was pathetic and weak. They barely tolerated me being 'perfect' and quiet. Dad was hostile, angry and bitter. Mum was defeated and childish.
I am now, at 55, hiding in my bedroom with the curtains drawn and the electric fan on high, hiding because I don't want to trigger again
I have so much sorrow and fear for that poor unreachable girl who was too good to know she was suicidal. She's finally talking to me after all these years silence. She's telling me she can't go out because she can't go with the others. She's not allowed to grow up. She's not allowed to leave home. Dad would be too angry, mum would be too needy and she doesn't know how to do it.
Hide away, and hide the shame that comes with hiding. Not only is she hiding she's ashamed of needing to hide. No one cares, no one in the world cares

Thanks Papillon and Movement!
I've just had a lovely milky coffee by the sea....very soothing and good for the soul!
So pleased I've found this place and that people reply. Grateful! Jxx

This sounds so simplistic I'm almost afraid to post it. I love good strong coffee and usually brew it fresh from the bean every morning. I noticed it made my heart race but, hey...you need a kick start in the morning.........until I noticed it was actually helping to trigger flashbacks. Or, at least, the racing heart was telling my body it was in its threat zone....so a flashback was more that likely.
I've stopped drinking early morning coffee and that, combined with plenty of breathing exercises, REALLY helps.
Not saying it's a cure ...but not starting the day with a galloping heart seems to lessen the threat and help with anxiety/fear.

Thank you Papillon!
We've just bought a house and all the new noises are horrifying! Or, rather I should say... the new noises are completely normal and my reaction to them is horrifying. I've just put two and two together and realised that my 'phobia' isn't actually a phobia but emotional flashbacks to infancy. Fortunately my doctor put me in touch with a therapist who recommended a PTSD Stabilisation course....and here I am. I am so lucky that all this was available locally and on the NHS.

I wonder (when we hear a noise that triggers us)  if part of the dread isn't the rising sorrow that we can't go out and play like the other children....just saying...

Danaus....very funny! Thank you!

"But you always seem so STRONG!'

Yeah, that's kinda the problem!

Hi Wanishin,
Thanks for your help. I didn't consider that I might be in one of the Flight, fight, faun or freeze modes. I was probably in faun....as I was aware she was annoyed by me and (unconsciously) I might have wanted to go for sympathy...ie, if you feel sorry for me then you won't dislike me. That would account for why I felt so hurt when she didn't play. We're a military family, so she at least has some familiarity with the concept, even if my one is domestic and not operational!
I've been selective in those I've told and, apart from this, felt very supported.
Are the armed forces are a bit more enlightened, these days? I hope so. I think the young kids get training in how to spot the signs.

Back to the topic...
The worst I've had, from an armchair psychologist was....'beware false memory syndrome!'
Which, I suppose, is a variation on, 'you're fibbing!'

We thought that too...
But in the meantime I have to learn not to hate him for the same reasons I've hated myself in the past.
Thanks for your comments!

We've actually always had a good relationship up until she started seeing Mr Dismal. Due to my experience in therapy I saw things in Mr Dismal which she's overlooked/doesn't care about/is deluding herself over. I, along with the rest of her friends and family, raised this with her (rather clumsily) and her reaction neared hysteria.
I know things are wrong with him because I recognise them. I actually don't care that things are wrong with him. It's her pure avoidance of us and the subject that is worrying. On the rare occasion they visit there is a huge great noisy elephant in the room. I'd happily talk about the elephant and offer it tea and biscuits, but she is too invested in him and (I suspect) his money and her prospects.

It's great to get this off my chest....been carrying it around for ages.

Anyway....that puts her reaction in context. She may have been having a bad day, and yes, family therapy is long overdue......but, as my husband and I agree.....once she acknowledges there's a problem then we can go forward. Otherwise she just avoids us and any discussion!