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I'm sorry for posting so much on this site. I know I whine and gripe a lot but this is something really special and positive and I wanted to post it. I guess it's also kind of bittersweet but for the most part, it's really positive.

I think I'm falling in love. Actually, walking. Walking is a better word for it. It's been like riding a bull with CPTSD stuff and whatnot, and a couple times my anxiety over things almost made me end it, but I clung on because thankfully I know now how my anxiety works and how to make it pass. I've been able to be really open with him about that anxiety and about my CPTSD which has really helped.

But I think I'm starting to love him. I know what attachment is. I know about infatuation. I've had those things. But this is really new. It's not this all consuming, 24/7 thinking about him sort of thing. It just feels whole, and natural and easy. We were good friends for like a year before we started liking each other, and none of that has changed. We're still best friends. There's just something more added to the mix. And the more I learn about him, and get to know about him, the more he seems to be taking a very special place in my heart.

Here's the thing that I figured out. It hit me all at once while in the car with him. I sobbed when I got home. Hardcore ugly cried.

Before, when I was younger and I still lived with my mom, my happiness depended on her. My mom had this special spot in my heart, too. I loved her the most. I trusted her the most. But as I got older, she crushed that.

I didn't realize until that car ride, when I thought about it, that there was this special place in my heart. Like a top spot. The spot for someone #1. And I'm pretty young, so the last person who had that spot was my mom. Ever since, nobody has ever had that spot. No one. Not even people who really deserve it. It's like that part of me just got walled off.

And here comes this special person, who keeps edging his way closer to that spot without me even realizing it. I didn't even know that was possible. I thought this stuff happened in your 30s, and I thought it'd be more like this fiery, overwhelming passionate thing. This just feels like... home. A different kind of home. It's calm and relaxed.

When I got home I sobbed so hard. I think realizing this is what did it. And I came to a bunch of conclusions I don't even know how to explain so I'm just gonna list everything off here.

1. My mom and even the things she did to me aren't gonna hurt this much when I'm older. Everything about her - including how much she used to mean to me - is just going to fade away. I'm going to love other people. Other people are going to take big spots of my heart. This woman is just gonna be a speck in the grand scheme of things
2. Me starting to love him is probably what triggered all the EFs on our dates and there might be more, hopefully less now though that I'm aware of why
3. After everything, I managed to address my own toxic behaviors. I'm not the mess I used to be anymore, and I can get even better. After everything I can still love someone
4. Love isn't infatuation.

I hope I don't sound dumb. I know this is weird, but can anybody relate? Has anybody had moments like this with their S.O?

So the guy that I'm dating is wonderful. He's so kind, and fun and just wonderful all around. There's just a problem with trust. In the past everything was mostly one sided, and looking back there wasn't much of anything there except for a physical attraction. But with him, there's a connection there and I'm terrified of it.

Some background - I'm almost eighteen. I haven't seen my mom in years. But she used to be the person I loved the most. I trusted her the most. Might have been a little bit of trauma bonding there too, I don't know. All I know is that she was all I had for most of my relatively small life, and now she's gone.

Obviously my boyfriend isn't my mom, but the feeling of closeness is just... there are moments when everything is easy and it feels right. I watch him and he's so kind and so loving. And time spent with him is so wonderful. And then there are other moments when my anxiety spikes. I think I just sort of disconnect, and then I worry that I don't even like him anymore, until that anxiety goes away and I'm looking at him and my heart just swells up.

And I realized tonight that I'm terrified. I'm terrified of ever feeling really close with anyone ever again. Ever since I cut my mom off, the people in my family that I trust the most I usually don't spend so much time with. But hanging out with him and laughing, and goofing off and having fun and feeling that kind of... love... Feeling like I can open up to someone, and love someone, and let them into my heart and become someone like that terrifies me. Obviously it's different in some ways, but it's like there was one person who had the top spot in my heart. Only one. Mom was the one person who was my number one and nobody can ever take number one again. I don't want to trust anyone that much ever again. Not even my boyfriend.

How do you make this go away? I know I sound kind of dumb, probably. I guess this is happening because even though it's been years, losing my mom is still new to me. And I'm still pretty much a kid. Maybe a big kid, but still.

I just wanna go back and add that something really weird happened today and I just finished crying a second ago so this might seem weird and scrambly. I spent the day with him and I'm just off right now

He was holding me, and I was looking at the nape of his neck. My mom had short hair. Suddenly I remember being a younger kid and being in her lap. And for a split second the nape of his neck was my mom's. I had to force myself to remember that was my boyfriend. It ruined the moment and it was awful.

What happened??? Was that a flashback? I'm still so iffy on flashbacks. I know some things are EFS. But others are weird. I'm really just... I'm texting him and telling him things now and he's being understanding. Which is good and bad. Because I want to trust him but I don't want to trust him and I'm just... I do NOT want to trust anyone fully again ever. I don't want to be this close to him but I do, I want to push him away but I don't, and I'm terrified and a whole bunch of different things right now. Would anyone mind messaging me? I don't know anyone else with CPTSD so if this sounds familiar and you know how to get through it please tell me how

I just started feeling that weird heavy feeling after doing the first part of one of many trauma narratives, and I cried a little. I can't explain it right now very well because I literally just came out of it a few seconds ago, but it got me thinking because it was very mild and fast. I've had much worse and now I'm wondering if these are EFs?

I remember once, that heavy feeling started. For a second I couldn't cry. It was like I was blocked. And then something popped up in my mind and it was like I became possessed. I sobbed so hard it was scary. At one point I screamed - but it was weird because it was more out of frustration and really intense sadness than fear.

Is this kind of sadness an EF? Like I'll start thinking about what happened and feel like my heart's been ripped out. The fact that she did those things makes me really, really sad sometimes

I don't think I'm "cured" or "done" yet, but I feel something shifting in me. And it's affecting every area of my life in such a positive way and I really wanted to share

I think it might be because I've just finally decided to give myself permission to just...exist. My therapist brought me to tears last session when she told me that all I wanted in my life was love. I wanted my mom to love me, and I want to love other people but sometimes it's hard to let other people love me. It was like she read my mind. And I've been making decisions that have everything to do with that.

Firstly, I finally confronted my mom. It was something I'd wanted to do for a while. I told her how I felt, openly and honestly. It was surprising because instead of anger I basically just told her how much I loved her, how much damage she's done and how much it hurts to still love her anyways. I didn't skirt around anything. I said everything, but in a non-toxic, honest way. She left me on read and it killed me for a while, and then I kind of realized - my mother doesn't love me. If she did she would care. And I think I'm coming to terms with that. I think the small part of me that still wanted some kind of validation from her is slowly fading away. There's still some anger left but I'm confident I'm going to work that out

And then I've been giving myself permission to have my own back. I don't let myself chastise myself all the time. I've made a lot of mistakes in my past but I don't beat myself up about it anymore. I don't crucify myself when I make a mistake because that doesn't lead to change. I just accept it, claim responsibility, and work to change. Which feels so good. It's something I used to not know how to do. So all in all I've got this self compassion thing going on.

And BECAUSE of that self compassion thing, I'm finding it easier to love other people. And I have this really healthy, genuine relationship with this wonderful guy that's so different from the ones I've had in the past. It feels real. I'm not defined by it, I don't depend on it - it's just real and there. Yesterday we had our first kiss and it just kind of happened and it hit me (again) that I'm really in a *healthy* relationship DESPITE EVERYTHING I've been through.

Despite everything, I'm making the right choices. Despite everything I used to be I made the choice to change and I'll never stop. Despite everything that happened to me I have healthy relationships and I still care about other people. And despite everything this woman told me, despite everything she did to me, I didn't let it define me. She did a lot of damage but I've been so strong, and so resilient, and even though it seemed for the longest time that it would define who I am I'm here right now loving myself and taking care of myself, and healing day by day. I'm so thrilled because little me was DEFINED by her, but I grew up and now I'm defining myself and there's a kind of freedom in that and it makes me tear up just thinking about it.

This shift has affected everything. Not just my choices in relationships. I've been keeping my living space clean and organized. I've been getting more into things that I'm passionate about. I've been WRITING, finally. I've been taking care of myself more... I know that happiness isn't a static thing and these kinds of changes you have to stick to and keep fighting for. But I'm getting there. I feel myself getting there. After everything there's a light at the end of the tunnel and one day, I'm gonna hear a door slam or see someone who looks like her and it's not even going to phase me. I'm changing THIS MUCH and I'm not even done with high school yet. I'm gonna make it.

Oh my god, I'm gonna make it

I'm sorry if I post here too much but there's this one problem I really need help with. I feel like talking to my stepmom is impossible sometimes and I don't know what to do.

The thing is, I know she's been bullied and intimidated into being passive and silent her whole life. She's told me some things, and I feel bad because I don't want to be a part of that. It's just that she sees hidden meaning or implied meanings in what I say and it's beyond frustrating because I go out of my way to avoid making her offended or irritated - which is probably just me, honestly, because it's pretty easy for me to think they're mad at me sometimes when they're not. Maybe I should just say sound offended or irritated. I hate it when she sounds offended or irritated, it makes me feel so tense. I have to calm down a little bit every time and I can feel it in my chest.

I'm gonna explain an example

So this morning I woke up and I wanted some coffee. The other day she mentioned something about leaving me some extra in the pot, but I wasn't sure if she remembered. I didn't want to ask her if she made me any because I felt like that would sound selfish and demanding. I was worried she'd give me a look and go no and take it as me being rude or something, like I expected that she should make me some. So instead I asked if I should just use the keurig.

She gives me a look, and in a really annoyed tone goes and says something about how the coffee in the pot was her coffee. So I explained I was just asking her to check and make sure, and said I wasn't trying to be rude or anything. She responds by pouring the coffee into a mug and handing it to me, and then also kind of in an annoyed tone, says she'll just make herself some more.

I felt so selfish just standing there, with that coffee that she obviously wanted. I felt like I'd demanded it and walked in there all selfish like a spoiled brat and been bitchy about the coffee. And then I got really pissed. Because I shouldn't feel that way, I was trying to avoid sounding like that, I didn't want to be rude or annoying but it feels like no matter how hard I try that's what I end up being. So I put the coffee on the counter and spouted off, and I was really blunt and obviously kind of irritated, and I told her that I was literally trying so hard to not be rude and get on her nerves but it seems like no matter what I do she takes it personally anyways.

Later we had a conversation and she said something about me getting in the way of her coffee in the morning, and that I should have just asked if she made me any because asking if I should make my own with the keurig implied something (). Which annoyed me SO MUCH, for obvious reasons. So I told her that communication was already hard enough, I already think she's mad at me all the time, and I actively avoid being rude because I always feel guilty so if she could just answer a question without all the extra stuff I wouldn't get so frustrated. I told her that I never ask her anything to be annoying or stupid or bitchy, I'm literally just asking her things so I don't end up getting in her way accidentally.

When I lived with my bio mom, it was SUPER HARD to do anything right without her getting mad at it (not just irritated, sometimes really MAD), and I felt like I was walking on eggshells. My stepmom isn't like her at all. I want to clarify. She's never hurt me, and has no intentions of doing so, and that's obvious with everything else that she does. I think she just has maybe some of the same issues as me. Maybe she's dealt with people pushing her around and being rude and so it's hard for her not to see hidden implications, like I'm being passive aggressive. But I don't know how to explain to her that I don't, and that I really just want to communicate and avoid pissing her off. I feel like if I could just ask a question and she could just answer the question and stop responding to hidden meaning that isn't even there, the both of us would get along better.

Lyricalliv,  I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I can sort of remember being seventeen and I can remember much more easily how difficult a time it was for my daughter.

You mention PMS,  which could be a factor.  I read quite recently that PMS intensifies the emotional aspects of cptsd.  I relate very much to that,  as does my daughter.  Perhaps it might be worth talking to a doctor about this, as hormone medication may be an idea. Just a thought.

I would also like to say that I think your level of self-awareness is amazing.  At such a young age, to recognise that you are in danger of acting and indeed, becoming like your mother, is incredible.  Don't beat yourself up about losing it with your parents.  All that rage had built up inside you and needed to come out.  I didn't do this until my forties,  but it was the start of my healing. Wish I had done it sooner. You have acknowledged your rage and your desire not to become abusive yourself.  It sounds as if the rage was only directed at your parents and will probably stay directed at them, if my experience is anything to go on. 

I think you have taken important first steps.  San magic has good advice about therapy and I would just like to add, learn all you can about this awful disorder,  look after yourself and things will get better.

Wishing you every strength to cope with this.

Libby

I haven't actually been "officially" diagnosed yet, but I know I have flashbacks. Doors will slam and the first thing I think back to is Mom. I don't think it's always been that clear, but now that I know why that sound can make me tense it's like there's a word attached to it now which is somewhat helpful but weird.

And the thing about the self awareness... I have to be. It's a tightrope to walk because if I go too far and crucify myself for the things I've done I spiral back into depression and that fuels the fire that probably explains that night. But if I'm not vigilant enough I'm terrified I'll slip up and be that crazy person I was that night again. People keep telling me it's just learned behavior, but that doesn't excuse it and every time I say this I feel better. Every time I say that it's MY RESPONSIBILITY I'm giving myself control over my behavior and that gives me the power to change it so I never ever do it again. After what my mother did to me, I don't want to be anything like her. So I have to find the way to hold myself accountable and not hurt myself over it, because I've learned that beating myself up just paralyzes me and then I don't change my behavior.

But to be honest, I'm terrified. It's easy to say this, and it's easy to talk like I have everything under control, but I'm terrified. I'm terrified I won't feel better, that I'll always be angry, and that one day I'm going to snap just like I did that day and repeat that cycle. I just have to keep working. I can't give up, because if I do I'm giving myself permission to be like that again. I'm scared of being like her and like I used to be, so I won't. I'll do everything I can not to be. 

I haven't written in a while but I really need someone who's experienced something similar to help me, because I don't know how much more of this I can handle without just dissolving. I know it sounds dramatic but it hurts and I can't stand it anymore, I'm done.

I told my dad what he wanted to hear and what I wanted to believe, which is that everything is a choice and I have to stop self sabotaging and make better decisions. I was a mess. I had this big blow up in front of them, where I just lashed out and threw things and there was this rage in me... I don't want to be like my mother but if I keep doing those things that's what I am. I'm abusive. Seventeen or not that's what I am and I would honestly rather be hit head on by a firetruck.

My dad thinks I've gotten better but I'm still depressed and miserable. I can't bring myself to message my friends back, I'm trying to clean my room but I just want to cry it out or find answers or something instead. I try to cry and nothing comes out. The other day a door slammed and the first thought was Mom. Things are probably just getting worse because I've talked to her recently and opened up to her and told her everything. I wasn't angry. I wasn't toxic. I just told her how I felt, and told her how much it hurt and that I didn't want to cut her out of my life. And she left it on read and I have so many mixed feelings. I want to cry and scream and lose my * but I need to do it correctly, where no one else gets hurt. I don't know why this is so intense. I'm just tired of feeling this. Maybe this is PMS but these feelings can last for months so I don't even know anymore.

I'm supposed to be doing a trauma narrative with my therapist and I haven't written a single word down. I don't want to think about it but I know I have to. My appointments keep getting pushed back so I'm not about to do it and then sit with it for weeks on end, so partly I'm just waiting until the day before I see her and partly I just don't even want to touch this stuff. I don't know, I don't know anymore. Has anyone gotten through this? Does ANYONE'S past bs ever get easier?

I am unclear on what makes you think or believe that you might have been an abusive child. Is it because you sometimes started the fight?

Yes

I went over to OOTF and looked at a page where it described the cycle of abuse, where the victim was angry and the perpetrator was guilty and would "hoover" to desperately try to make up for everything.

I'm still trying to figure out *for sure* if what happened WAS my mom being abusive, or if I have a PD and I was an abusive child. I'm 17, I haven't had contact with her in a while and I have so many issues I just don't understand. Sometimes I'm certain it wasn't my fault, sometimes I'm not, and sometimes it's a confusing mixture of the two that makes me contradict myself.

When I lived with her we would have these violent fights.. Sometimes she would start it, sometimes it would be me. After the fights, I'M the one who felt guilty. I hated myself. I started SH to punish myself. I felt like it was my fault, and promised my BM that I would change.

And now I'm still having issues. I blew up at my parents a few weeks ago and acted JUST like her, and how I used to years ago. That's a whole other long story but it was not good and I've told my (new) parents it wasn't them, because it honestly was me. There was actual rage in me.

I don't know what to think. People have told me I was just a kid, but I don't want to make excuses. I'm determined to say everything honestly and if it was partly me than I want to figure it out.  I know it can't be completely me because she definitely did some stuff, and it's hard to forget because doors slamming or footsteps near my room can make me tense. But if I had any role to play in it that's what I want to know. I don't want to be abusive.

If you were abused emotionally/physically as a kid, did you ever blow up first too? Do you have trouble Sometimes? What do you do about it?

I've always had behavioral problems ever since I was little. The tiniest thing would push me over the edge.

Everyone has told me that my mom is the one at fault but I really want to be honest about this. I did hit her first sometimes. A lot of times. I did scream first. I would start things too. And I blew up at my new parents weeks ago pretty much exactly the way I would at her.

When I was in foster care I was such a jerk. I wanted all the attention. I verbally harassed my boyfriend for breaking up with me (after I stopped talking to him). I would scream and yell at my foster mother.

If I'm toxic in anyway I want to change. I don't want to stay this way. And I hate saying my mom was abusive, I hate the feelings of anger and things I have towards her I can't let go of. I'm still in high school so maybe it isn't my fault because I was raised by her and that's the only way I knew how to handle my emotions and blah blah blah - that's what people have told me. But I can't believe them. Because if I were toxic of course I'd have convinced them at that.

Knowing that I can be and have been manipulative, how can I know if I'M really the one who was abused? Child or not. Parental abuse is a thing. What if I abused her? Maybe we abused eachother. Maybe what she was doing to me EXPLAINS my abusive behavior but doesn't EXCUSE it. Maybe I need to take responsibility. People have told me that she is abusive and they've lived with her so maybe it's unreasonable to assume it's all my fault but I really, really don't want to be the kind of person who always plays the victim.

Part of me wants to say she was abusive and I did nothing wrong and I can move on without guilt but I don't know if I can fully believe that. I STILL have behavioral issues. So can I really say that?

All I know is when I say "my mother is abusive", nowadays it feels like there's something wrong with that. And I'm scared of being toxic.

Everyone I talked to in the ER says that since I'm asking if I have BPD I probably don't have it, as people with that disorder generally refuse to take responsibility for their actions or wonder whether or not they have it. But when I look around on the internet for answers, it seems like asking if you have BPD may not necessarily mean you definitely don't have it.

I had an episode recently and I'm wondering if this is just another symptom of CPTSD or if maybe I need to seek treatment for what my Mom had.

I actually don't even remember the entire day. I was running on one hour of sleep, so that probably didn't help. I came home kind of depressed, took a nap, then decided to sleep the whole night instead of doing work I needed to do. My Dad came home, and I tried to talk to him about what I felt. I felt like he wasn't listening, we had a fight, and at some point I was talking to my sisters about it on the internet when he cut off the wifi and wouldn't turn it back on. And then I flew into a rage. I threw things, walked out, walked back in again. I went out in the back and hit a tree with one of those swiffer mops, breaking it into four pieces. I came back in and I wasn't satisfied, and so I just gave in and started throwing things and screaming. I blamed him, called him names, threatened to kill myself and screamed at the top of my lungs.

My parents say that's just me mimicking her behavior. A nurse suggested BD. I don't know what to think anymore, other than that I was just like my mother in every way.

I remember kind of why I snapped. I remember that talking to my sisters was helping a little, at least to me at the time, and I really didn't want to have to sit in my room all night with the feelings I had. And I guess that being trapped with my own emotional stuff made me fly into a rage instead.

I did that with my mother a lot, which is part of why it makes it really hard sometimes to believe that she was the abusive one and not me. I only believe that now because everyone is saying she was. And when I think really hard, I do remember her snapping first and for no reason. I remember all the violence and everything.

Although... even if I had talked to my sisters about it, I probably still would have been adamant that he wasn't listening. Maybe he wasn't, but he was trying. It's not like he doesn't care. I don't know anymore. I don't know.

It would be easy to convince myself I just have CPTSD and go with that, but if there's a chance that I have what my mom has I want to know. I don't want to be like her. I really, really don't. I went out of my way after that night to tell my parents it wasn't them, that it was me and whatever issues I might be dealing with doesn't excuse what I did. I explained to them that their feelings are valid because my mom didn't do that for me whenever she'd lose it. I told them that it wasn't their fault in any way, and I just want to say it over and over. It wasn't them. It was me. It feels really good taking responsibility for what I did because at least in that sense I'm not anything like her.

Please guys, I need honest opinions. I really, really overreacted. I threw things, I screamed and was really manipulative. And I don't know why. I don't know how something so small could have triggered me to do that. The people I've asked say I don't have BPD but I don't understand why I did what I did. If I have CPTSD, why did I act just like my mom? This isn't the first time, either. I've done these sort of things for my whole life, it's just that it's been years since an outburst like this.

I've been looking around the forums and there's a lot of stuff that's very relatable, but I've noticed some of the symptoms I have are a little bit different than the official description (if that makes any sense). Note I haven't been officially diagnosed so I'm asking this while I wait to get a therapist because I'm still curious. I hope that's okay.

1. "Bad times" come and go. I'm not always depressed/anxious/moody. I can't remember if anything triggers these moments. Some of them happen around that time of month, some of them happen after a breakup. Thoughts of Mom usually surface. Along with wanting to self harm, thinking about what would happen if I died (not really suicidal but just wondering about what would happen if I did it), anxiety, etc.

2. I have an inner critic so to speak but it's not really based off of why my mother doesn't love me. It's more to do with my fear of being like her. I'm used to feeling like this sort of... monster? When I was younger I had a LOT of trouble regulating my emotions and I had a lot of outbursts, so I'm used to feeling sort of "broken". Also when I got out of her house finally, I was a total jerk to a lot of people and I carry a lot of shame from that. I don't like the idea of telling anyone about what I'm feeling and I'm afraid I talk about myself too much, that I just want "attention", etc. I ignore these things and allow myself to talk to people who I trust about my feelings most times, but they're still there and sometimes they break me down. For my appearance, too.

3. I'm not sure if I have emotional flashbacks or not. I generally only feel the feelings I had with her when I'm fighting with my Dad, and he can be kind of manipulative himself. It's hard to explain because remembering them is a tiny bit fuzzy. I'm just trying to say I don't randomly get thrown back into the feelings I had once out of the blue. I'll just be sitting there and I'll start feeling something, and then I'll realize that's how it was in fights with Mom. I think I had one random one a year ago but I haven't had them since and that was awfully out of the ordinary for me at the time.

4. I obsess sometimes over scenarios of meeting her again. Not really out of fear, just what I would do. One of them is being in a room with her and having to explain how I feel and I'm generally really angry. I've tried to write her letters (not ones I'd send, just for the sake of writing it out) where I explain how I feel but it's sort of like I'm emotionally blocked when I try to write them. I just don't know where to start. That, or I start and then I anticipate how she'd twist my words and it's just emotionally exhausting.

5. I don't normally disassociate, but I've done that a bit recently. Just staring out into space, and feeling so unconnected and mentally distant from things around me. I think this is because of an argument I had recently with my Dad where he said things I think Mom would say. I'm good at recognizing manipulation now, partly because I had to figure out how to stop doing it myself (and I'm still ashamed of myself for that. sometimes I catch myself even now and I literally hate myself for it) and partly because of Mom. I started really just wanting to leave, and feeling like it was all happening all over again even though he's not physically abusive or even as bad as she was. And he apologized.

Basically a lot of the things I've read on here happen to me, but just in different ways then described. I know my Mom was abusive and what she did was wrong. My shame really just stems from me being like her, or the fear of that. Sorry if this is long, but... I just really would like any input on this. Does anyone else have slightly "different" symptoms? Or am I wrong about certain things?

Hi.

I don't really know where to start on this and my thoughts might be kind of scrambled right now.

Lately I've been hitting a huge slump. I don't really understand why. It just sort of happened, and things got really hard to handle. Everything in general. I figured it was just hormonal (I haven't been diagnosed with this so I'm still trying to figure out what's going on and if this could be it), but it... Didn't go away after that time of month like I thought it would. It just happened again a few days after.

I feel like this could be related to what happened to me.

When I was younger lived alone with my mom, who was later diagnosed with an axis personality disorder of some type, and my entire childhood was just a constant struggle. I fought with her my entire life, but it got worse as years went by. We would literally physically fight each other. She took an umbrella out of my hands and beat me with it because she thought I was going to hit her. She threw a glass at my head when I was sitting in the closet not saying anything, trying to get away from her. Apparently it was an accident. She was just aiming for the wall behind me.

She said she hated me, that I was terrible, told her friends stories in front of me of how I made her lose jobs because I threw so many temper tantrums daycares wouldn't take me - I could go on and on.

It's so confusing because I was a "troubled child" - I would blow up, break down, scream and blame and cry and everything. Doctors diagnosed me with a million different things and yet no pills seemed to really help me - at least my emotional state. And I don't really want to say that my current problems have anything to do with her because it just feels gross. Wrong. Something she would do. And I don't want to be like her. I don't want to prove her right about me. There's a lot. It's so confusing.

My last fight with Mom was a really bad one and I went into therapeutic foster care. That's when things got better. And I live with my Dad now, who I met for the first time a couple of years ago. But now I just... It's all so confusing and my thoughts are really scrambled right now.

I don't quite believe anything that I feel because there's always this doubt, this fear that I'm manipulating someone somehow. Although I've been keeping a voice diary on my phone to keep track of my emotions and that's been helping. I can let everything out and when I doubt it I go back and remember that it at least FELT real.

I have spots like this every now and then. It pops up out of nowhere (although it hasn't been this bad since I was still in foster care) and I feel guilty and worried and ashamed. I'm afraid I'm manipulating. I've done that before and I don't want to be like her.

But slammed doors still make me jump. I still have anxiety. I have panic attacks. Not as often, just during times like these - and I can manage them now, for the most part, but they're still there.

My Dad actually has been reminding me of her the most. He gets mad and he tries to manipulate me into doing what he wants - I don't mean by grounding me, you know, normal things parents do. I mean the things he says and does. The last argument we had was sort of a prime example. He said I was just like my mother, that I was ungrateful, that I "liked the power I held over him, and he thinks I always have ever since I moved here", that I obviously didn't love him,  etc. And this is because I sent him an email explaining what was going on, why I needed a therapist, and if his job really made it impossible to get me one then I need to go somewhere where I can get help and figure out why I have these things occur.

He later apologized, but I find I don't want to open up to him anymore. This isn't the first time this type of thing has happened. During fights like these I remember how it felt with Mom - not flashbacks, but fear. I feel the exact kind of fear I felt with her and I remember those moments. He won't leave me alone until we "talk", and if I try to leave he'll block the doorways. I can't get mad and yell back. I have to sit there trapped in my room while he talks and respond with "ok Dad" and "I'm sorry you feel that way". That's the only way he'll fizzle out.

And now I'm upset because this wasn't supposed to happen to me again. The manipulation was over. And I don't know if this is all in my head because of everything that happened to me or if it's justified. He's trying now. He's finally getting me a therapist and he's not physically abusive like Mom. He's just reminding me of her a lot and I'm noticing it more. And I want to stop having panic attacks. And I want to be okay.

It hasn't ever been this bad. I'm confused, and kind of numb, and I don't know what to do. I can tell you that he's not physically abusive. Just manipulative when he's mad. And he does care and he seems to have genuinely acknowledged I have a problem and I need help. Maybe if a therapist told him about why I am the way I am and explained why he can't do certain things... I don't know.

I'm sorry this is so long and I'm sorry if it's scrambled and doesn't make much sense. I just need a second opinion. Could I have C-PTSD? Is that why I'm reacting so strongly to my Dad right now? Could that also be why sometimes I get anxious and just... really down for no reason? Is that why I'm so confused by my own feelings? Or could I have something else?