Can't deal with grief

[SharpAndBlunt]

This is my first post in a while. Hi to everyone who I've messaged and to all - I hope all are finding some peace.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my F's death. He was an alcoholic who had no emotional expression. He could be sarcastic and cutting, kind too but mostly just was absent.

I am finding that a lot of stuck grief is coming up yesterday and today. Yesterday I felt the powerlessness I felt when I lived with him during his alcoholism and his own grief that he couldn't deal with around the death of my M.

It was horrible to feel the same feelings as if it were yesterday I went through all that. I thought that maybe I had a handle on things but abandonment feelings and stuck grief are very hard for me to deal with. I have only today heard of 'complicated grief' and I may have this around my M, and I feel like I grieved for my F while he was alive and I don't want to have to do it again.

I've found that sharing the experience here before is good for me and though I do have avenues of support none of them feel totally appropriate to share what I'm sharing now. I am thankful that I'm able to write about it and like I said I hope that all are well. 

S&B

[Hope67]

Hi S&B,
It's good to see you again, I missed you.   

I have also heard about 'complicated grief' and I must say that I think I relate to that too.  I am grateful to you for articulating some of your feelings around these things.  It is something thought provoking for me, but I think I'm not really in touch with my feelings around grief.  I don't think the walls of separation that have been built up are wanting me to go there yet.  But I feel sure it might happen in time.  You've mentioned your anniversary of your F's death being yesterday, and how you have some abandonment feelings and stuck grief.  I hope that you will feel less alone with this, having shared your feelings.

I hope that whatever you need, that you will be able to access some support.

Wishing you the best with this, and glad you're ok and around again.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

S&B, I hear you and that you are feeling abandonment, grief, and powerlessness. I haven't heard of "complicated grief," but people and relationships are complex, so it makes sense that grief is not a straight-forward process. 

[Kizzie]

Glad to have you back S&B and that you reached out to talk about your grief and abandonment.  I never used to do that and now that I am doing that more I too realize it does help.

My F was an alcoholic too and could be quite sarcastic and cutting.  I tried and tried to connect with him but he didn't want that and therein lies the abandonment and neglect that does make it all complicated as you say.  They're alive but they're not there, we love them but are angry and grieve the loss of a caring, nurturing safe parent, at least that's the way it is and was for me.  Complicated.

I don't know if this helps much other than knowing you're not alone 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi, yes, it does help to know I'm (we're) not alone.

I think that the 'attack' of feelings I had was a warning that something was coming up, and it was. I still feel the same powerless grief I did a week ago

Kizzie, what you said about your own F and trying and trying and trying and them being alive but not wanting to connect mirrors my experience exactly. I built up so much grief over so many years, living with an alcoholic who just wanted to be dead. 

I can't expect to undo it overnight and I don't but sometimes it does come back on strong. I realise I'm feeling feelings I couldn't deal with in childhood and that those memories and feelings are making me feel as a child again - powerless. I'm not, but in the midst of it I feel like I am.

In these times all the things I was told or heard that hurt, things that really shamed me, come back up to the surface, like all happened at once. Maybe they are all correct, maybe I am awful and useless. 

It's an awful way to feel. I guess I will learn to cope with the feelings better. I think it's part of being grown up. But I feel so reduced and small when I do feel them. It's a bit of a catch 22. Hope, I recognise what you're saying about walls and not wanting to knock them down yet. These are big feelings. I missed you too  Thank you too, notalone for hearing and listening  It is all complicated, as you said. Sharing helps 

[Hope67]

I can't expect to undo it overnight and I don't but sometimes it does come back on strong. I realise I'm feeling feelings I couldn't deal with in childhood and that those memories and feelings are making me feel as a child again - powerless. I'm not, but in the midst of it I feel like I am.

  This is a lot, and I relate to what you're saying very much. 


Hope 

[Kizzie]