Dear All
What I understand about codependency:
1. it's a need to feel self worth
2. in order to get it, we do nice things for another person: rescue, support or be a confidante
3. it is the only way the person knows how to feel validated and worthy and competent, and have an identity
So what's so wrong with it? It seems quite sensible, and not damaging.
And what other ways are there of getting a feeling of self worth, which don't involve other people?
Slim
Hi Slim,
I read this, and I have thought similar things to what you wrote in the past, and I think I did write something once about it - but I can't find where I wrote it - I think I wrote something about how I related to being codependent, but thinking that it was an ok thing to be, if that relationship was with someone where there was mutual trust.
But I know there are people who write a lot about the negatives of co-dependency, and therefore I think I don't really understand it.
Slim, what you wrote is thought-provoking, and I'm thinking about it.
Hope :)
Slim, I think the problem comes when you do nice things for other people to the extent of neglecting yourself. The other person and their needs/wants become more important to you than your own and you're not able to set limits properly, protect yourself and so on.
It also isn't a very genuine way of relating as you deny your own needs and feelings. You often end up feeling resentful as those you "help" take you for granted. You end up exhausted and ill. You also end up being a magnet for users and abusers.
It is better than other responses to trauma, like turning into a narcissist. Not least because there is more scope for recovery. As a codependent, the challenge is to learn to love and care for yourself as you do for others.
I recommend the book "codependent no more" which explains more about it
I suspect I might have codependent tendencies, it's ok if you are dealing with someone who is supportive in return but if you are involved with someone with even slight personality issues it's a road to ruin.
I have recently been drawn in by a covert narcissist, the good news is I realised the situation and managed to protect myself, I am improving in some ways but life feels like such an obstacle course.