DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[DecimalRocket]

Hi San and Hope. Thanks for all that advice. 

I agree that learning is neverending, but I always seem to feel this way for another reason. Sometimes I worry there's not enough help going around the world, and helping me just wastes that.  In comparison to my far past, right now feels like I'm living in luxury even when I'm hurting deeply. To ask for more happiness feels a little too much for someone as pathetic as me.

I guess envy isn't my fault then. My situation is less that other people envied me, and more that I used to envy people myself. My lack of ability to understand people just made me assume people felt the same way as I did. When I spent a life where I didn't talk to people enough to verify ideas about how they see me, I tended to rush to all kinds of negative conclusions.

Hope, honestly I did get embarrassed. But it's not you. I just always have at least a slight feeling of embarrassment when I talk to people. Sometimes I feel like what I say is too pathetic and boring sometimes. Besides, I need to expose myself to situations like these at my own pace so I'd get used to it.

I understand Hope, but my definition of relaxing is very different from the normal. My definition of relaxing is learning the most mentally difficult thing possible so I'd get absorbed into my head away from the dangers of the real world. Honestly, activities that don't emphasize thinking enough like menial tasks can freak me out and I'm cautious around more physical activities too. But San did say chores need to be learned for late in life.

Who knows? It could be different than what I thought it would be. Maybe I can learn how to be happy without being dependent on my mind. I can learn to do as much as I think. Besides, cooking, gardening, sewing and fixing broken things doesn't sound as repetitive to learn as the other chores.    Damn. . . I'm bad with my hands though.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm feeling a lot more calmer and kinder to myself today. Thing is I only got here by being a mess and crying over how terrible I felt as a kid. I couldn't stand seeing little me so in pain that they wanted to end their own life. It's heartbreaking. I was so young then and I . . .

I'll just try to rest now. I'm exhausted.

I hope those really weird Japanese commercials can soothe my soul. One commercial had a mom trying to wake her son with death metal to advertise the energy from a chocolate bar. Hahahaha. I tried singing death metal once. My throat didn't think it was a good idea. Heh. My voice is better suited to angelic melodies in broadway and Disney songs. My voice has gotten a lot weaker from lack of use these days though.

I guess I've been thinking all kinds of crazy ideas all my life, huh?

I'm sure I have.

[Blueberry]

Glad you're feeling calmer DR and able to feel a little kinder to yourself 

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Blue. 

...
Something is unsettling me.

My SPD isn't making my senses as disorganized and overwhelming.

I feel like a less extreme version of Virgil - a man blind since he was a baby who managed to regain sight through surgery as an adult. He looked at the new world with absolute awe, but he was also deeply terrified of colorful places like the grocery.

I can see people's faces as we speak - their smiles, their pouts and other expressions I don't understand yet - without getting too overwhelmed by visual information that I could only focus on their voice. I see more things at the periphery of sight.

The sounds of a busy environment has become less like scratches on the chalkboard and more like the casual jazzy blur of a coffeeshop. Where it used to be every new food made me nauseous, I can now enjoy a melting pot of subtle novel flavors. I don't feel slightly off balance as often, and moving around doesn't feel as threatening.

I've found an opening to a new medium of knowledge before me. Maybe someday I'd even like the idea of traveling the world outside the safety of books. I'm in wonder . . . but I'm also deeply disturbed. I want to curl up inside my inner thoughts and analysis. . . then escape.

[DecimalRocket]

Anyone around? No?

Maybe I'll just. . . sit down and cry today.

[Blueberry]

I'm on here DR though as it happens, I *ought* to be getting off and finishing another contract job.

If you are in a place where  are  good, then there they are. If not, then they're just little pics telling you I care.

[sanmagic7]

slowly, d.r., slowly.  you don't have to do it all at once, don't have to understand everything all the time or in a specified amount of time.  this is your recovery, your own space, your own pace.  you are comprehending things about yourself and others now that you didn't think possible 6 mos. ago.  you're making so much progress - give yourself credit.  i sure do.

i also have trouble with facial recognition of peoples' emotions.  dang, i still have trouble with recognizing my own feelings.  we're rewiring brain connections, sweetie, and that takes time as well as work.  you're doing the work - just give it the time.

sending a hug full of love and caring about you.  you're doing so well with all this.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Blue and San, .

San, sorry, but I can't feel proud of myself now. I can feel other kinds of happiness better — curiosity, compassion, relaxation, amusement. . . but not healthy pride.

I'll tell you a secret I'm ashamed of, and I hope you don't hate me for it.

I remember a flashback.

It was when I was more arrogant. I shifted in believing I was powerful as a god and as weak as a worm over and over. I believed I was entitled to be worshipped and other times entitled to be tortured. I buried that arrogance and hid it way under my entire psyche, only to hate myself whenever I felt this way.

Besides, I wondered if anyone would care about me if I felt this way?

I've spent more than year healing since then and my self confidence is way more stable. But sometimes I still hear a tiny voice in the background that still feels this way.

The me that wanted fame. The me that fantasized of power. The me that yearned for riches. Especially through lies.

I try to push it down with absolute shame each time, but from experience, I know it has only one need that actually heals it over time.

At the deepest level, it was the me that wanted love the most.

[sanmagic7]

rather than hate you, d.r., i can relate to those feelings of arrogance.  i was better than others cuz i was perfect.  that's a little like being god, if you think of it.   i didn't have the worm feeling cuz my perfection didn't allow me to think badly about myself.

yep, i couldn't understand the frailties and faults of being human.  still, i had a very outgoing personality so i somehow got away with it.  i don't feel that way now, because, as you noted, i've been recovering from that.  coming down off that pedestal i was on was so very painful with every thump i endured.

so, now maybe you hate me. 

there's so much i've experienced, yet so much more i haven't.  i do what i can, and now accept that i need help at times.  we've all been thru our own hells, d.r.   one thing or another, we've suffered and emerged a bit more human.  i'm glad of that as much as i can also hate how it feels at times.  old habits die hard.  still, pushing forward as best we can.  love and a warm hug to you, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

Well, I don't hate you, San. I know how hard stepping down from that pedestal can be, and if you were dedicated enough to change this far, then I know you're a good person. And maybe that means that I am too.

....

I remember Dee showed me a poem on my Birthday thread (I'll turn 17 on April 10), and I thought I'd inspire myself by creating my own poetry. I haven't tried writing many before since I thought all poetry was gross and expressing my emotions with it was too, but hey, I'll give it a shot.

Title : I Am What I Am Not.

I don't run away. I rest in my slumber.
I don't give up. I give in to peace.
I don't escape. I hide in wait to strike.

I'm not voiceless. I speak with the wisdom of silence.
I'm not cowardly. I allow fear to drive me forward.
I'm not a dreamer. I dream for the clarity of reality.

I don't deepen into complexity.
I dive deep for simplicity.

Who am I?

I'm the space between words.
The pause between music.
The rest in a dance.

I am nothing, and don't have to be anything.
And that's why in this moment I'm free.


.....

I SOUND SO COOL OHMYGAWD!!!

This is embarrassing. . . I'm screwed. Hey, I was free in that moment, not this moment.

[sanmagic7]

you made me laugh - it was a great poem, but what made me laugh was your assessment of how you sounded at the end.  right on!

love you, d.r.  you're doing it.  big hug.

[DecimalRocket]

San, thanks. I've been showing a more excitable side lately here. 

..

I've done a lot of progress in opening up to people here and in real life, and it's getting too overwhelming. I'm a little more than ashamed that I have so much trouble with my softer side and trusting others.

I've always been outwardly warm without being affectionate, though often disappearing physically away from others. Think high fives and friendly teasing level warm than hugging and talking about mushy feelings warm. It's new to me though to be inwardly warm too, and that's. . . weird. I can't take doing things like watching violent shows or studying the chemistry of poison for long anymore.

San, I guess you were right. I'm dissociating less, and my softer side's feelings are getting more intense. It's all . . . very confusing. I need to have some time to let it settle.

I learn a lot from connecting with other people here and have healed deeply from it, but it doesn't feel like home to me. Pondering, understanding, analyzing, researching, theorizing and solving in solitude? That's what I think is home. I'd love to go through one of my own researching sprees these days in my free time between studying for the finals. I miss it.

Maybe I'd take a break from this place a bit, and developing relationships in real life. Maybe chemistry. Heh. Not statistics. It's more of a poison than atropine. *shudder* Finals. . .

I want to go home.

[sanmagic7]

do what you need to do, d.r.  as they say, home is where the heart is. 

we'll be here when you're ready.  in the meantime, good luck with your finals -  i hope they go well.  statistics was never my favorite, either.  had to get thru 2 semesters of them in grad school, tho.  i squeaked thru, but don't mind if i'm never involved with them again.  love and a big hug - take your time, rest, relax, however that works for you.  be you.

[DecimalRocket]

San,  . I was planning to take a break from here, but something important happened today. Sorry, it's long. But I had to say it.

TW*** Intense anger, teacher abuse.
I broke down today, screaming and crying in anger.

My second language teacher was downright cruel to me. I was particularly bad at this class and when I was terrible at something, I was more likely to get stressed. This usually makes my SPD worse and the noise is too overwhelming for me to stay in the room.

I asked her if I could take the test outside just before the breakdown, and she said no. I told her about the occupational therapy for my SPD, but she said no. When I cried, she acted utterly disgusted at me. She finally let me out, but she still treated me like a piece of *. I screamed at her for not even saying sorry, and gave her the paper back telling her I'd rather fail the class than listen to her.

I was sick of being treated like I wasn't important. Sick of being treated like I wasn't trying my best. Sick of being treated like I was just a liar who overexagerrated everything. Sick of being scared of her strictness towards me all the school year. Strict how she never acknowledged my effort and just told me to try harder.

I told the head teacher, and with a concerned voice, she agreed to talk to her later.

I cried all the way from school to home.

At the end, I stood taller. I felt utterly calm. I wasn't numbed. If I was numbed, I'd have that feeling of emptiness and would probably have forgotten some memories if I tried to remember what happened that day. No, I wasn't.

No, it wasn't my fault. I tried my best to work hard and to stay calm. I tried all that before confronting her and she still refused to change.

Sigh. But I'll still have to apologize to her about my screaming after the head teacher talks to her. I went too far. The head teacher was always very understanding about my situation though.

Oh well. I'd have to study for the finals. I intend to change the world after all. I don't mind if I don't, but hey it'll be a fun process to try.

Well, after I rest for a little.

[sanmagic7]

honey, you did your best.  we can't help that some people will not see us for what we are, what we do, and what we go thru to do what's expected.  i'm glad you have the head teacher on your side.

i'm also very glad that you feel calm afterwards instead of numb.  i know that as i've been learning how to be assertive, i've often come off very aggressively.  it's not easy to make that switch, to stand up for yourself, and to make sure that you are seen and heard exactly as you are.

even my d has understood this as she's watched me work at setting boundaries after being so sick and tired of not being listened to, being ignored, etc. as to what i need.  she just told me that i haven't had much practice at it, so sometimes i come off harshly. 

it does take practice, tho, and the more we begin standing up for ourselves, the more polished we become at dealing with these kinds of situations.  be patient with yourself - it's part of the process.  like the pendulum has to swing fully in the other direction for a minute before we can find a working balance.

thanks for sharing.  i have no doubt you'll do the apology well, and hopefully your teacher will begin to be a bit more understanding and compassionate.    best to you with this going forward.   love and a big hug, d.r.