i wanted to write this on the 'having a terrible day' board, but i couldn't find it.
i just found out my oldest daughter (D1), is severely ill, may die at any time, just waiting for the call. my head is splitting right now, feels like it wants to explode.
****************TW*******************
SI in the past threat of death from illness now
nearly 30 yrs. ago, this same D1 had many suicidal gestures, ODing many times, stays at the psych ward, and i never knew if/when i would get a call that she was found dead. yesterday i found out she's got a terrible virus that's lodged in her liver, it could kill her at any time even tho she's getting treatment, so i'm reliving the nightmare of waiting for the news that she didn't make it.
*************************end TW***********************
today, altho i'm holding myself together as best as i can, i can feel the stress and tension coursing thru my body, wreaking havoc on my system, my mind, my brain. i realized today i'm reliving the trauma of 30 yrs. ago in real time.
i have therapy in the morning, but i'm beside myself tonite, don't feel like sleeping, just want to smoke, or run around our apt. screaming and tearing my hair out. i'm on the verge of tears, so very sad my D1 is going thru another medical emergency, but there's nothing i can do about it. i had to go NC w/ her nearly 9 yrs. ago, she hates me now, will have nothing to do w/ me, our entire family has been afraid of her forever, she's now holding her father (my ex) hostage with her anger for her sister (the D i live w/ now) by forcing him to write an email about all perceived grievances D1 holds against D - years and years of this - and telling my D that he agreed w/ D1 about it. She had him cc her to make sure he sent it.
he told my D he didn't agree, but D1 told him if he didn't send it, she wouldn't allow him to be with her when she dies. i reached out to her to offer comfort, prayers, healing energy, didn't know if i had the right email for her anymore, asked my ex to affirm that where i sent this was her correct email, he wrote back telling me she doesn't want to hear from me and if that changes, he'd let me know. that was it.
it was another example of him sticking up for her over me, again, the same dynamic of 30 yrs. before, double trauma just like before. so, i just sent what i wanted to say, don't have any idea if she received it, don't expect an answer if she did, unless it's a F*** YOU! she doesn't even call me mom anymore. my mother heart is shredded, i'm at my wit's end, and i don't know if she's even going to be alive tomorrow. i'm drowning. help! i can't take this crapola anymore. it really is too much. hugs, please.
thank you god for my darling D who is so caring, kind, and patient w/ me. she's the only thing that's keeping me alive. this is * on her, too. D loves her sister, but wants nothing to do w/ her at all after this last trick she's pulled.
i'm beside myself, rambling, head hurts, going for a cig tho it's way too late. right now i don't care. i did everything i could, i really did. she's turned into the most terrible person to the people who have loved her the most. it' terrifying, sad, crazy-making, angering, and i don't know what else is inside there - those are the only ones i recognize. horrifying. how is this person my daughter? i can't help her
i just found out my oldest daughter (D1), is severely ill, may die at any time, just waiting for the call. my head is splitting right now, feels like it wants to explode.
****************TW*******************
SI in the past threat of death from illness now
nearly 30 yrs. ago, this same D1 had many suicidal gestures, ODing many times, stays at the psych ward, and i never knew if/when i would get a call that she was found dead. yesterday i found out she's got a terrible virus that's lodged in her liver, it could kill her at any time even tho she's getting treatment, so i'm reliving the nightmare of waiting for the news that she didn't make it.
*************************end TW***********************
today, altho i'm holding myself together as best as i can, i can feel the stress and tension coursing thru my body, wreaking havoc on my system, my mind, my brain. i realized today i'm reliving the trauma of 30 yrs. ago in real time.
i have therapy in the morning, but i'm beside myself tonite, don't feel like sleeping, just want to smoke, or run around our apt. screaming and tearing my hair out. i'm on the verge of tears, so very sad my D1 is going thru another medical emergency, but there's nothing i can do about it. i had to go NC w/ her nearly 9 yrs. ago, she hates me now, will have nothing to do w/ me, our entire family has been afraid of her forever, she's now holding her father (my ex) hostage with her anger for her sister (the D i live w/ now) by forcing him to write an email about all perceived grievances D1 holds against D - years and years of this - and telling my D that he agreed w/ D1 about it. She had him cc her to make sure he sent it.
he told my D he didn't agree, but D1 told him if he didn't send it, she wouldn't allow him to be with her when she dies. i reached out to her to offer comfort, prayers, healing energy, didn't know if i had the right email for her anymore, asked my ex to affirm that where i sent this was her correct email, he wrote back telling me she doesn't want to hear from me and if that changes, he'd let me know. that was it.
it was another example of him sticking up for her over me, again, the same dynamic of 30 yrs. before, double trauma just like before. so, i just sent what i wanted to say, don't have any idea if she received it, don't expect an answer if she did, unless it's a F*** YOU! she doesn't even call me mom anymore. my mother heart is shredded, i'm at my wit's end, and i don't know if she's even going to be alive tomorrow. i'm drowning. help! i can't take this crapola anymore. it really is too much. hugs, please.
thank you god for my darling D who is so caring, kind, and patient w/ me. she's the only thing that's keeping me alive. this is * on her, too. D loves her sister, but wants nothing to do w/ her at all after this last trick she's pulled.
i'm beside myself, rambling, head hurts, going for a cig tho it's way too late. right now i don't care. i did everything i could, i really did. she's turned into the most terrible person to the people who have loved her the most. it' terrifying, sad, crazy-making, angering, and i don't know what else is inside there - those are the only ones i recognize. horrifying. how is this person my daughter? i can't help her