I am.
Not at my best at the moment. I was thinking I would breeze in here. But suddenly all the anxiety is piling on.
I can't tell you all how important finding this site is to me.
I'm 50+ and I have struggled with depression, anxiety, learned helplessness, and emotional flashbacks for more than 35 years. I first sought help when I was 20, after years of depression, cutting and suicidal ideation.
I needed an answer to 'Why?'
- Why was I so broken?
- Why was I so lonely?
- Why was I lost?
- Why did it seem that happiness was beyond me?
And so many more questions. I have looked for 35+ years. It was only in 2017 that I was diagnosed with CPTSD. I finally had the 'why'. And now there seems to be grief added to the mix. Anger, the only emotion I can seem to access, comes quickly at the thought that I have 'missed my life'. When I look back over my life and I see the pattern of CPTSD written in every fiber I feel robbed. It was all stolen away my youth, my dreams.
It still hurts. I get lost in the grief some days.
Still, I'm trying; to learn, to live, to take off these chains. And, as always, some days are better than others.
On just practical stuff... I write. Trying to get published. I make memes for the internet about mental health. I try to bring CPTSD into the light. Because no one should spend their life looking for the answer.
Maricelt
Not at my best at the moment. I was thinking I would breeze in here. But suddenly all the anxiety is piling on.
I can't tell you all how important finding this site is to me.
I'm 50+ and I have struggled with depression, anxiety, learned helplessness, and emotional flashbacks for more than 35 years. I first sought help when I was 20, after years of depression, cutting and suicidal ideation.
I needed an answer to 'Why?'
- Why was I so broken?
- Why was I so lonely?
- Why was I lost?
- Why did it seem that happiness was beyond me?
And so many more questions. I have looked for 35+ years. It was only in 2017 that I was diagnosed with CPTSD. I finally had the 'why'. And now there seems to be grief added to the mix. Anger, the only emotion I can seem to access, comes quickly at the thought that I have 'missed my life'. When I look back over my life and I see the pattern of CPTSD written in every fiber I feel robbed. It was all stolen away my youth, my dreams.
It still hurts. I get lost in the grief some days.
Still, I'm trying; to learn, to live, to take off these chains. And, as always, some days are better than others.
On just practical stuff... I write. Trying to get published. I make memes for the internet about mental health. I try to bring CPTSD into the light. Because no one should spend their life looking for the answer.
Maricelt