Out of the Storm

I suffered a lot of abuse and neglect from my mother. This ended up extending out to being from her family members too.

I have been scapegoated by her and instead of taking the care and time to ask me my side of the story, I had my mother's words to me parroted back by members of her extended family.

I am the one who was abused. She was one of my abusers.

Why do I persist, for years, in trying to figure out if I should write them all letters, detailing the abuse, with evidence (sadly (?) I have burned some of the more distressing letters from her that attacked and blamed and demonised my then 8 year old daughter, saying she would "get pregnant".

My mother is sadistic, cruel, yet covers it up, plays victim and blames me and her family members play along.

I have moved away and not told any of them where I live.

So why do I keep composing letters to my mother and her family in my head?

Why do I torture myself?

As much as I try not to think about my mother, siblings, etc, it is always there in the back of my mind.  It's like a big question mark in my brain that will never be answered.

Yes it feels like torture - everyday. I think that is the result of trauma - that is the trauma brain / torture.

I'm pretty much NC with my FOO because I wanted to stop the pain contact with them brought to me.  And that worked and will allow me to eventually, when I'm ready, work thru some of it I think. 

Thanks for your post Saluki - your words resonate with me.

I'm NC too. I moved house to somewhere far away from my childhood home and haven't told my mother or any family members where I live (apart from my dad, who I rarely see or speak to). It was the only way to stop continued abuse. I'm really sorry you are going through that too. It's always at the back (and often at the forefront) of my mind too.

I just don't understand how anyone can be so cruel.

Anything to keep up appearances maybe?

Yes - feels like torture.

Thank you for your reply. I wish you weren't going through that but it's good to feel heard/not alone.

I'm so sorry for what you have gone thru as well - you didn't deserve it or cause it.  You deserved so much better than that.

Have you tried actually writing the letters? Not to send (maybe you will eventually send, but not now) - just to get it out and on paper. That can be helpful. It may at least mean you don't keep going over it in your head.

You deserved better too, Moondance. Way better. Thank you.

I have written countless letters I never sent to my mother, but only ever brewed letters to her family in my head. I used to brew and stew and concoct letters to my mother in my head and now I just think about whether I should send what I've already written to her...so I think you have a good point there, NarcKiddo. Thank you.

I write a letter to my mother 30 odd years ago - she took no responsibility whatsoever. 

It was however good for me to do. I at least verbalized my truth. I was not strong enough to stand up to her though.  I actually have a copy of it.  I think I will revisit that.

 :grouphug:

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=262.0

Have you seen that there is actually a section here for such letters? I've put a link to the guidelines for that section.

Even if you do not send a letter to the person it might feel like another step in purging yourself of the desire to write these letters by putting them in a place where others can read them. Just a thought.

My mother hasn't taken responsibility for anything either, Moondance. I don't expect her to any more.

Thank you Narckiddo. I shall take a look there 🙂

Nor do I Saluki, nor do I.  I feel sad for her and hope she gets help.

 :hug:

Thanks Moondance. She won't. She's nearly 90. Which is supposed to be guilt inducing. She pretended to be 10 years younger until it suited her to be older...

I don't understand what our mothers are so scared of, or why they don't understand why admitting what they did and how it affected us would be a good thing for everyone concerned. What's the point of living in a delusion? They know. They absolutely know. Because they did/said the abusive things.

I don't really know Saluki. I've asked myself the same.

My mom had bipolar diagnosis but also met all the criteria and then some for Borderline PD and in fact that is what caused nearly all the trauma and abuse. Which is like narcissism but focused on fear of abandonment and engulfment instead of grandiosity.

I suspect for my mom the thought of facing reality triggered even more intense fears of abandonment creating quite a vicious cycle. She never could apologize, express gratitude, or show love even as she lay dying. She kept it in the whole time till the end.

I'm really sorry Armee you had to live in that situation.

I'm still figuring out a lot of stuff but the characteristics you listed fit my mother as well.

Oh Armee I'm so sorry. I spent years trying to diagnose my mother (she refused to accept there was anything wrong with her, so never got diagnosed). And because I don't know what her feelings are behind her behaviour (apart from it always being everyone else's fault) I should probably stol trying to do so... for my own sanity...

The diagnosis doesn't really change anything. I didn't know she was bipolar. She lied and said she was just a little depressed. This while she was on things like lithium, antipsychotics etc. I didn't know until the doctor turned the computer screen facing out while I stood in the office. She never really got help. Half the time she didn't take her medicine. But she refilled it every month. I found dozens of full bottles of pills. None of it matters the damage is done. Change is not happening. Not anytime under any circumstance. There's just nothing you can do.

Sorry if thay sounds all morose. I probably shouldn't be replying to anything right now. Bad place at the moment. Will be ok.

Quote from: Saluki on September 05, 2023, 01:33:44 PMI don't understand what our mothers are so scared of, or why they don't understand why admitting what they did and how it affected us would be a good thing for everyone concerned. What's the point of living in a delusion? They know. They absolutely know. Because they did/said the abusive things.

I hope it is okay if I pop in here, because I think about this a lot with my grandmother. I obviously cannot speak for anyone else's situation, but I think for her, it's not that she thinks she didn't "do it," and not that what she did wasn't questionable, but rather that she felt like what she did was "justified."

That is sort of a trend I've noticed, at least in my own life. People will mistreat you, and I think deep down they know their actions are "bad," but they also think their actions are "justified." They are not. But in the mind of someone who is willing to sacrifice the well-being of their own child or grandchild for their own selfish satisfaction or retribution or what have you, I think maybe that is how they think about it.

I can also relate to thinking of all the things I wish I could say, and writing mental "letters." Not even just to her, but the people who excused her behaviour. At its best, I think it can be a way of processing, but sometimes it becomes rumination, at least for me.

I can also relate to being in a confusing place where I don't fully understand what her intentions were, and it haunts me as well. If I found out, it would feel like closure, an explanation "why." I'm trying to accept that I may never get that.

Regardless, I'm sorry to hear you're suffering. You didn't deserve any of it, and nothing can change that. Wishing you the best.

It's ALWAYS OK as a member here on this forum to pop in and contribute, Goosey. Glad you are here.

I slightly touched on the question Goosey highlighted with my T yesterday.

I have never challenged my mother about any of this. I don't plan to. I am completely sure that she would say she believes she did her best, that any physical abuse was justifiable chastisement, and that she loves me. If I pushed certain issues she would push back very hard.

My mother had an absolute abomination for a mother. I think the woman was a fully-fledged psychopath. I do not excuse what my mother did to me and I do not think it was unavoidable. But I do on one level understand why it happened. Recently I have found myself wondering whether her worst treatment of me was during an EF for her. I know I have acted out when in an EF. It can be hard not to even when I know what is happening but for many years I had no clue.

I am also not convinced my mother lives in a delusion. I think she needs everyone to believe (or pretend to believe) the illusion she has created because she simply cannot face what she is. She would fall apart. Deep down she knows what she is. She has said to me once (maybe twice) that she hates herself, and I believe she does. She cannot have others see her for what she is. She does not have the capacity to deal with that. Hence there can be no admission.

Quote from: Saluki on September 05, 2023, 01:33:44 PMI don't understand what our mothers are so scared of, or why they don't understand why admitting what they did and how it affected us would be a good thing for everyone concerned. What's the point of living in a delusion? They know. They absolutely know. Because they did/said the abusive things.

ime the admission of guilt can be very difficult and scary. I used to not be able to apologise if I had made a mistake. I'm NOT equating mistakes with abuse. My inability to apologise developed due to the way I was treated in FOO and due in fact to the traumatisation from early childhood onwards. My deep-seated fear up into my 30's was that an admission of guilt would result in my emotional or psychological annihilation, which feels very dangerous(!) so I didn't believe then that admitting to a mistake or a lapse of judgement would be better for all concerned, especially not for myself.

I don't know for sure that that is also my M's problem, but it could be. Of course the ways she abused me and neglected me were not simply mistakes or lapses of judgement, though if she had an inkling of what I'm talking about, these are probably how she would classify them. I'm pretty sure she has cptsd herself but she was and still is one of my chief abusers. She doesn't believe in forgiveness at all and so she is likely to not be able to forgive herself for a single solitary thing, even things that are completely innocuous and non-abusive like forgetting her keys. Never mind things she did and said to me, where somewhere deep-down in her conscience she probably knows it wasn't right.

Better for all concerned? The rest of my FOO certainly doesn't think so. They admit in various ways that they're worried about the stability of the family if M ever had to face up to what she did. So they do their level best to protect her from that by saying or intimating: "Shut up BB! You're rocking the boat too much." They too provide M with a level of protection to try and prevent her from ever having to face my music, even if just one musical note rather than a whole opera. M gets to face their music to a certain degree but not mine. imo there's often a whole family system of dysfunction behind this, this system may have been going on for decades, possibly even generations. It's still not an excuse for the abuser.

All my opinion and experience and quite possibly not applicable in your case Saluki or other cases on here.

Quote from: Armee on September 07, 2023, 10:23:22 PMIt's ALWAYS OK as a member here on this forum to pop in and contribute, Goosey. Glad you are here.

Just wanted to say thank you so much for this. This eased a lot of my anxiety in the moment, so thank you for the kind words.

Quote from: Goosey on September 08, 2023, 05:46:28 PM

Quote from: Armee on September 07, 2023, 10:23:22 PMIt's ALWAYS OK as a member here on this forum to pop in and contribute, Goosey. Glad you are here.

Just wanted to say thank you so much for this. This eased a lot of my anxiety in the moment, so thank you for the kind words.

 :hug:  :)   I'm glad you feel less anxious now.

Saluki, in addition to what I wrote above, I want to add that writing letters to abusive family mbrs and sometimes to friends or other people in the Recovery Letter section on here slowly but surely helped reduce my rage towards these people. Part of that is brought about by my being able to address these people as 'you', directing at them rather than talking about them. It feels different. And part of it is knowing that people on this forum read these letters and understand where I'm coming from, and sometimes in fact write that to encourage me. 

Wow, thank you all so much! I came back to have a look and I'm happily overwhelmed with so many lovely replies from you all. I don't usually use these emoji things, but:

 :grouphug:

Thank you all so much.

Yeah, them believing it was all justified makes perfect sense: I experienced so many justifications, so many excuses, so many denials, but no apologies.

For some reason, those "wicked child who deserves punishment" Victorian cautionary tales were also very popular with my mother. I presume she was brought up on them. I always felt as though she was talking about me when she read them to me.

"You wicked child!" "You nasty, mean little girl"...her voice carried such venom, just like it did in real life situations.

I try to figure out ways to understand what my eldest gets mad at me for. I try to figure out if what I did was wrong. Sometimes I outright admit it. I think it's important to validate one's children's experiences. But sometimes it's actually very much, hey, don't take the piss, I needed to tell you that - but I should probably have said it in a kinder way.

When generational trauma is involved, there's definitely a fine line sometimes between knowing whether you're standing up for yourself, justifiably so, or having an emotional flashback, and saying what you should have said to the abuser back then. So I get why my son doesn't like it when I say "Stop treating me like a domestic slave" because he knows his so called father treated me like a domestic slave -

For me, that's all the more reason why he shouldn't hoard cups and plates then bring them downstairs and expect me to wash them all.

For him, he feels like he did when my mother accused him of being just like his father (he was 7 years old at the time and we'd recently escaped domestic violence) Which he's not.

So I end up angry at him for not pulling his weight and he ends up hurting because he feels like I think he's like his father.

Doesn't make it okay to hoard cups but it's a very fine balancing act for us all at times.

This topic and all of the things y'all have said resonates heavily with me as well. I just hate that other people have to go through this as well. It is a torture like no other.

I've struggled with this lately, thinking I may write a letter, but knowing there will be no outcome that would be helpful. I thought I was past this, and had grown and become more at peace within myself, but got a text from my mom's husband, that said he hopes I'm happy now because she has let me go for good. As if she has the power to grant me freedom. But it did hit me and threw me way off.

My mental state takes the form of writing her a letter, and I did scribble out a few main points that came to mind, the same as always. The thing is in our last conversation, I did try to talk to her and it set her off into a major rage. I could not even get one sentence out or any point heard. I know what happens when I engage with her.

I did come to the conclusion that the problem here is her authoritarian entitlement. That justification. She's not sorry because she thinks she has the right to do all of the things and say all of the things. This became clear in a couple of the letters she wrote me following, no contact.

She does come from generational trauma. Her mother and father were the same. My question is when did generational trauma start? Who started abusing who and why has no generation even thought to put a stop to it? It makes sense my mother would have been in an EF while she was abusing me because she would literally say I'm just doing what was done to me. that was confusing to me as a child I would ask then why are you doing it if you didn't like it? That would just Enrage her more.

So in the last conversation in my 40s, I asked her some form of the same thing. She brought the subject up. She still repeated I just did what was done to me. But if I have any problem, she says when you turned 18 Everything was on you. I have to keep remembering that whatever her label is she is a vile, vindictive, sadistic, abusive creature. She plays the victim very well to those around her and her husband buys it hook line and sinker. It feels like she just got married later in life to play out this persona. Mousey little victim church lady, who has no idea why her evil eldest daughter does not speak to her.

I definitely get the writing letters in your head and I wonder if I'll ever be free of this rumination. I really try and go through spells of not thinking about it briefly. I'm sorry you're dealing with this as well and I truly understand.

You just described my mother. I remember her complaining bitterly about her family refusing to speak to her or allow her back into the family home where she was living, as a punishment for being with my dad. (she had me when she was 40 but lied to my dad that she was 10 years younger).
I remember her blaming her family for her staying with my dad. Saying they forced her to stay with him by locking her out.
Then she repeated this on me, locking me out of my home because I went to a counselling session with my violent husband. Because she'd locked me out and refused to speak to me, I was homeless (and pregnant) on the street with my violent husband. Great. I didn't go to the counselling session to get back with him, but while I was there, she changed the locks in my house and disappeared. Brilliant. Then of course when I asked her why she repeated on me what was done to her, she had a screaming tantrum.

Quiet little victim who doesn't understand why her daughter refuses to speak to her. Same narcissistic rages, same poison.

I'm so sorry you are suffering the same as me. It's heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking. I will never understand it.

I'm sorry you went through all of that, Saluki. I hope you are in a safe, comfortable place now. Love how the boundaryless mothers think they are entitled to YOUR space! Gawd, I could go on for ages on that topic. That is outrageous, and hello, you'd think a mother would be trying to help a daughter escape a violent relationship, but we know better with these.