[Trigger Warning for Thread]
So, just a thread idea. Don't know if it's a good idea or not haha, but I guess we'll see.
Every now and then I randomly get these sort of flashbacks to things my abusers/FOO/ex has said to me before. They kinda stew in my mind and it's horrible, so I thought of making a thread where you can 'unload' those things. Just a sentence or two of whatever hurt you, whatever's on your mind. :)
"If you're sick, you stay home and clean the whole house. If you're not going to be doing schoolwork, you might as well be doing some other work instead."
- My FOO, as caring as always... (rolls eyes)
Could this be loaded with triggers? About 4/5 years ago I had a big break with visual and emotional flashbacks. They came pouring out and it was ugly. Always find it interesting too that during the rare times I talk to someone about these things every individual incident could come across as a complain. Except for maybe the PA. The quotes themselves sometimes do not give the background, tone, etc.
Trying to come up with some goodies -
"Hope you have a child just like you"
"You never finish anything" <-- 18 yrs old working out a conflict with the 3 jobs I had.
"Why would anyone want you back?" <-- when a company made a huge offer for me to come back for them.
"...sugar and spice...and puppy dog tails" <-- sign hanging front and center in the bathroom. Know the quote? Yep, it had intent.
Good idea for a thread! I added a trigger warning at the start. ;)
My F: "I was always disappointed in you as a daughter."
And how about a thread of things they never said?
"Are you okay?"
"Congratulations"
"Good job"
M-> "You aren't very smart. You will have to join the military" The irony is I did join the military to escape and for independence. They tested my IQ twice ;D
The countless times I've heard "You are overreacting", from my FOO and all my exes (the good and the bad ones) Maybe I have overreacted at times, but that does invalidate that I react in the first place. And somehow this never applies when it was positive emotions. Kind of taught me my emotions doesnt really count.
Quote from: JayDubs on September 20, 2017, 09:52:11 AM
And how about a thread of things they never said?
"Are you okay?"
"Congratulations"
"Good job"
;) That would be an endless thread, JayDubs.
I put a little trigger warning at the start of the thread, hope it's alright like that. I don't know how to edit the title of the thread/if I can edit the title of the thread, I would have put it there if I could.
"You make my life so difficult."
- M
It's okay M, you make my life difficult too. lol
This thread made me think of things I may have said to my own child too. Going for some introspection..
The gaslighting ones are probably the worst. For some reason I think invalidation is devastating. So with that being said..
M&F -> "You have selective memory"
M to family and friends -> "I think he (me) is schizophrenic" The sarcastic adult me in return "Ummm, then let's go see a doctor"
QuoteThis thread made me think of things I may have said to my own child too. Going for some introspection..
yes me too. the difference being, we will do some introspection and go back to our kids and try to correct our mistakes. these things were never done - where i could see them, anyway - by my parents.
everyone makes mistakes and says things they wish they hadn't. while we're alive, we can correct that.
Quote from: Blueberry on September 20, 2017, 12:32:24 PM
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 20, 2017, 12:28:04 PM
It's okay M, you make my life difficult too. lol
:rofl: :rofl:
Glad to give you a giggle there, Blueberry. :)
Quote from: JayDubs on September 21, 2017, 02:17:02 PM
M to family and friends -> "I think he (me) is schizophrenic" The sarcastic adult me in return "Ummm, then let's go see a doctor"
Wow. >.> What a thing to say about your kids. Like it's just fuel for gossip. Ugh.
-----
When I was younger I had difficulties keeping things clean, either forgot or wasn't motivated to clean. Parents liked to use this against me.
"Why are you like this? You are the only child in the world who is THIS filthy."
- My F. Said this quite a lot. Way to make me feel so alienated. :\
"That is normal. Everyone feels like that"
This is a great thread. Thank you for starting it. There are numerous things that mine have said that stick out.
I think there is a trigger warning on the thread but here is one just in case
*trigger warning*
"You're my princess" "this is all you are good for" "you're my favorite helper" "stop crying, no one cares"
Etc... just to show the back and forth of all of my abusers
Urm... I'm not sure if I should add to this thread, because it may be pretty triggering. Maybe just a few. And they'll maybe be a little ugly.
*Trigger warning*
* You're only alive on a whim, for now I keep you alive but if ever in the middle of the night I decide you should be dead then I'll come in and take care of it. I'll just turn a switch off and you're dead. I decide. You'll never know when.
* You're my extension, you don't exist. I decide what you feel, I program your emotions into you. I turn them on and off, I control you.
* I'm going to sue you for the money I put into your education, you didn't deliver. You're a complete failure, it was expensive, I want my money back. I calculated it, here's the figure: ___
* You'd filthy the air in the room if you come to any family gathering, we don't invite you because your siblings would refuse to stay in the room for one minute if you were there.
* At our last family gathering we discussed the problem, that is, You. It was decided that when you'll come begging in the future it'll need to be done behind people's backs because no one will have anything to do with you, not even that way.
* You waste oxygen that should have gone to normal people. According to nature you're a mistake, you should have died long ago.
Not sure what to add to such magnificence of sadism and wit except *Yikes*
"What they said" would fill several volumes in my old story. Unfortunately once the words start they accumulate 'til they resemble a roaring waterfall; but I'd rather hear the water's cascade anyday than have those voices be reanimated--they haunt my dreams like a poisoned stream. I just wish they didn't slip into the current story so easily. Although both sides of the coin were in full evidence; what was not said could be just as telling.
My kid self tried, for a while, to be the proverbial good kid, but it got old when the only reaction was along the lines of: "It's not what you say, it's how you say it." Which was never good enough anyway--the message was don't even try, you won't be believed, any of your feelings are invalid. Sometimes the followup cut worse: "you have nothing to say,... just shut up...we don't need you, and don't want you". Doesn't get any clearer than that :'(.
I had 2 sets of abusers--the FOO and the teachers at religious schools, one of whom always ended all dealings with me by saying something similar to "god [he pronounced it to sound like a booming GAAAWD; to where I called him (secretly) Sir GAWDawful]...knows you're a fool, and will never forgive you". Huh? As in...it's why I always tell people I had a front row seat at the circus of hypocrisy.
One time a teacher used a ruse to get me to accept his ride to my home. Turns out he was just itching to rant to my parents about my wasted soul or some such. He did his usual "you may think you're fooling us, but there's someone up there who knows", he rattled as he pointed to the ceiling. I felt like pointing out that we didn't have a second floor in that house but he wouldn't have noticed in his eloquent sputterings. He also would have been chagrined as when he left it was back to 'ignore the kid' on the parents part; as by that time their preferred form of abuse had turned to emotional abandonment...in one sense that was a good thing, as the old abuses were far worse.
There's too many other times, but one that floats in was once when my f found me literally just slumped in the basement, shaking in fits of grief about who knows what--I was just majorly depressed. So he observes, "You're lonely"; if I'd had enough sarcasm in me I might have responded with something like "ya right, you've noticed...DO SOMETHING about it". But he wandered on by, as if it/I was no big deal, completely oblivious to a teen literally crying out for help. He didn't have a clue. The m was worse, as the one-time real molester of the two; but I'm left utterly speechless in that regard, a fitting silence for a thread about things that were said, in words, actions, and even silences.
Of course they were just one aspect, but words and attitudes like those perhaps contribute to my careful side with words today. What to say...how to say it...and will I even be believed anyway...they're both the question and answer to the inner turmoil when I get sucked down into remembering those times...and I forget to leave them in the 'old' story. One of these days I think I need to burn that old story in the firepit over at 'the porch'.
Quote from: Sceal on September 27, 2017, 11:13:50 AM
"That is normal. Everyone feels like that"
Geez, I got this a lot too. :\ For both physical and mental problems.
Quote from: Elphanigh on September 28, 2017, 03:43:41 AM
"You're my princess" "this is all you are good for" "you're my favorite helper" "stop crying, no one cares"
Etc... just to show the back and forth of all of my abusers
:hug: Wow, Elphanigh. How frustrating that must have been... :(
@Ah: My goodness, what harshness! I'm horrified, honestly. :'( How dare they say such things about you.
@Woodsgnome:
QuoteWhich was never good enough anyway--the message was don't even try, you won't be believed, any of your feelings are invalid.
I really understand this. I very much had the same feeling growing up, to not even want to try because nobody cared and I was worthless.
Thanks for sharing all this though. I feel for you. ^^
My own addition:
Whenever my FOO asked me to do something but I was feeling ill, I would tell them that I wasn't feeling the best and 95% of the time they responded with;
"Doesn't matter, stop making up excuses and do what you're told."
I want to one day be sick and be allowed to rest in bed... that would be nice. I swear, most of the time I felt like their personal slave rather than their child.
"You are the only children in the world who fight this much." from M and F to me and B1. I believed that at the time.
How did they imagine they knew? And why didn't they try and teach us better 'conflict management'? Answer to 2nd question: because they can't do conflict management either.
Hey guys, I thought I'd say that you guys are doing a great job opening up here.
I haven't read these though, since I'm rather weary and reading these would be overwhelming for me now, but just thought I'd say take care, guys.
"If you are suffering it's only because you want to"
"That happened a long time ago, just forget it"
"Why do you do this to me, after everything I have done?" Lol do what, being sad and not wanting to talk to anybody
This are things my M has said to me.
Of course there are more and more from my aunts, my grandparents, mi brother, and my past classmates, especially my past classmates:
"You are always seeking attention and being the victim, why?"
"You are stupid, ugly, fat, a cow (fat), a wallflower"
"You are so shy, why are you so shy?"
"Why are you such a wallflower?"
"What's wrong with your face"
"OMG, again crying, what a loser"
"Why are you always the last one to quit the class? Are you a burglar or what? Burglar! Burglar!" Lol, I never stole anything, more like the other way around, they always stole my stuff.
"Get away loser" And things like that. Actually, I don't quite remember this things, because I have suppressed my memories... but they were things like that
I just ran across this thread and oh my would I have a list of things! But I'll just stick with a few and if i respond i'll add more.
"You had a sex change when you were a baby because M couldn't stand another son." She already had 3 sons. But that paired with, "I've always wanted a baby girl."
And, "You're a brown noser" because I have a freckle on the tip of my nose.
I know these aren't horrible, but since I just woke up I can't dive deep right away. :/
Melodie
A few that I can think of:
Calling me 'fat'
"You're a dark horse, you are"
Calling me "lazy" "idle"
"Wouldn't it be nice if we had boys" (different words to that, but similar meaning)
TW (inappropriate)***
"I've seen it all before" (referring to my teenage body - said by my F)
I could fill the page. Most was passive aggressive type comments.
TW just in case.
You never tell the truth
Nobody will ever believe you
You're so worthless
Wish you would just d** already.
Why don't you just k*** yourself
You're so ugly, makes me sick to look at you
The sound of your voice gives me a headache
No woman, or man, would ever want you
Everybody hates you
Your own kids are scared of you
We don't care what our adult sons do now, we raised them, they're on their own now.
We made mistakes raising our boys.
My parents think you're such a lazy deadbeat
Even your parents can't stand you
You don't have any friends because nobody can stand to be around you
You can't do anything right, how are you even alive???
I'm surprised God didn't k*** you already.
I think these are pretty much what was said between M and F, and future abusive ex wife. Other abusers said things I won't write on here.
"And where does it hurt today then?"
When I seeked comfort for pain as a child, and instead was mocked and laughed at by my parents. I learned early not to express my feelings.
"I despise weakness"
"We don't believe in mental illness"
"Learn to take criticism"
Your parents sound just like mine, Cookido. They said exactly those things, and said them with such pride - as if they were so strong and I was so weak. My mother's favourite phrase was "Don't be so silly!" It sounds so innocuous but she managed to get so much hatred into it, that it was truly awful. It was often said as a response to me saying I felt unwell. I can't help but feel that if I had got some understanding and validation and sympathy, I might not be in the almost constant physical and emotional pain that I have been in for years.
Their words do so much damage.
Quote from: Libby183 on February 16, 2018, 07:26:43 AMI can't help but feel that if I had got some understanding and validation and sympathy, I might not be in the almost constant physical and emotional pain that I have been in for years.
I thought this many times too. I don't think my parents hurt me on purpose, I think they literally don't understand the concept and importance of feelings and caring. And as you said, they find pride in it. Which also makes it impossible to ever talk to them about these things.
Kinda going off topic, but basically trying to say I related to your post too Libby183.
One of the worst remnant symptoms of my early abuse involves hearing ghost-like voices at night accosting me with the lying words that rang out then. While I've learned to try and talk back, the voices invaded my head space again about 10 nights ago, and I'm still reeling from that awful experience.
The worst of these sayings is "It's ALL YOUR FAULT". Always, everything and anything was my fault; and it was repeated endlessly.
While I've learned to talk back to those taunts, that night I literally threw my back out of joint as I thrashed around trying to cover my ears, throwing pillows, etc., and have been miserable ever since. The symptoms/pain were bad enough to warrant an emergency room visit to deal with the wrenched back (at least my m.d. could sympathize somewhat with the causes; she's a rare medic who gets it). I also dialed an all-night crisis number my therapist gave me to talk down the mental anguish (I'd been suicidal during such times before, but not recently).
In this case, as I adjust my ice pack, those words remain more than mere sidelights to long ago abuse, and still literally haunt me. :'(
:hug: woodsgnome
That was said to me too. It wasn't true in your case or mine.
Hi Woodsgnome,
I really relate to what you said about ending up with a wrenched limb or muscle as a result of a night terror - it happens to me as well - and I am so sorry to hear you experienced those things the other night - and I agree with Blueberry, that those things that were said weren't right. :grouphug:
Hope :)
! TRIGGER WARNING !
The man that abused me when I was 9 told me "I made some new toys to show you."
That one struck home CrashPhenomena :hug:
One of mine used to tell me she "had new pictures to show me" other variation was "pictures for us to try".
Wow! I have been working for a while on an art project that is based on the terrible things that my family, largely my uNM, said to me, and which haunt me still. For me the big ones are:
-you're so obstinate
-you're so bossy
and, the one that haunts me most
-you're too big for your britches
All of which, of course, said any time I did or said anything that distinguished me as a separate human being with thoughts and feelings of my own, and especially those that differed from NM.
Others that bothered me a lot:
-you should have been a boy
my NM miscarried a boy before becoming pregnant with me - and they selectively practise a religion that says boys are better
-you are such a tomboy
NO, I was NOT a boy, I was a beautiful spirited girl!
To be told both 'you should have been a boy' and 'you are doing girl wrong' messed with my head.
Quote from: CrashPhenomena on February 21, 2018, 02:01:33 AM
! TRIGGER WARNING !
The man that abused me when I was 9 told me "I made some new toys to show you."
I think this says so much about the emotional aspect of abuse, how hard it is to pinpoint to people who don't know what it is. The way innocent sounding words become so evil in the "right" context, and "normalized" again if they're heard by clueless people out of context.
As long as abusive people keep being so good at hiding, and society remains so blind, outsiders who hear these things here and there will continue to misunderstand what they're hearing.
CrashPhenomena, that's beyond evil and cruel, what he said to you and the way it was said. There's just no word for it. It gave me chills, I can't imagine how you must have felt.
My F once said to me when I was very small "You know, you're very lucky you've got older siblings. We already made all of our mistakes with them, so now with you we know what to do." could sound neutral, even cute maybe, if you don't know he meant to say "I've now perfected my skills. Your siblings got away from me sometimes because I was sloppy before, but I know exactly what I'm doing now, and I've got you. You're completely mine. Boy, are we going to have fun together."
My blood froze when he told me I was lucky. It was said with a grin and if anyone else had heard him they'd smile too, but I knew it was a death threat and a threat of hours and days of torture.
Trying to tell others so though... can feel hopeless at times. How do you get others to understand what they've just heard if they've never learned to speak Evil?
"No real gay man would ever love you."
-my mom, after I was outed as trans (gay FTM) to her
"I'm killing myself to support you and you don't care. You probably wish I were dead because all you care about is money."
-mom again
"I don't care about your feelings. You're just a toy to me and I can do whatever I want to you."
-my ex
"You can just put me ashore on one of these islands to die." Mom in one of mye first memories.
"I might just as well kill myself." One of several times mom were on the phone with her sister, talkin loud enough for us to hear.
"I've got to be allowed to say what I think." Mom when transgressing my boundaries, of course denying me the right to say what I think.
You brought this on yourself
"Are you crazy?" - My Dad's favorite line if anyone voiced any kind of disagreement with his ideas or did anything else he didn't like. The question "are you crazy" was rhetorical and had a clear meaning... it meant "you are crazy!" But the way he said it with the anger and condemnation in his voice the message that came through was "you are horrible," "you are not wanted," "you are unlovable," "nobody cares about you and they never will."
For me I feel like "things they didn't say" are more painful to think about / remember. All of the things that I longed to hear as a child but never did, all the things I waited to hear from my parents... waited and waited and waited, but I was only ignored and left to feel lonely, scared and isolated.
Things they never said: "How are you feeling today?" "How did your day go?" "is there anything you want to talk about?" "Is anything bothering you?" "Everything is going to be ok." "We'll always be here for you." "I care about how you're feeling." "Let's talk." "It's nice to see you." "I love spending time with you." "You're a great son."
James: "For me I feel like "things they didn't say" are more painful to think about / remember."
:yeahthat:
James, thank you for noting that. Words--spoken or silent--are a double whammy however they're uttered by an abuser. It's a lose/lose situation that stings to one's core and can sit like an open wound for a lifetime.
Quote from: this_evening_so_soon on February 26, 2018, 12:18:15 PM
"No real gay man would ever love you."
-my mom, after I was outed as trans (gay FTM) to h
-mom again
"I don't care about your feelings. You're just a toy to me and I can do whatever I want to you."
-my ex
Wanted to say that what your mom said to you is absolutely insane. How would she know what a "real" gay man is, and whether or not they would love you? Wife said similar to me, saying no woman or man would want me, when accusing me of being gay as reason for not wanting sex with her.
Wife also said that marriage meant she could do as she pleased to me, without any consequences.
"You don't even know what love is." (said multiple times in multiple contexts)
"Ohhhh..You think you're so smart." (Said after barging in my room and seeing me reading a book before bedtime, in college.)
"I didn't RAISE you that way." (Said in any instance she didn't agree with)
"I'm gonna blister your butt."
"Welp. Go get out the belt!"
"Wipe that look off your face or I'll knock it off." (Said any time I was sad or not smiling in public).
All of these things consistently said with very disdainful tone. I'm sure y'all know the one.
I'm sorry to get so dark. I feel like I do that a lot on my threads. I'm realizing, the way she treated me WAS dark. It was very sinister and I have downplayed and made lighter of it than it was. It was horribly horribly abusive, the things she said and did.
Wife also said that I deserved it. All of it. Deserved to be hit and abused by her. Deserved all the sa/r and other abuse in my life before her(the little bit that she does know about). Even the cpa.... :'( even that...which started when I was 5-6. I deserved that. She said.
:hug: :hug: gentle hugs if they are okay Andy.
*tw*
I have heard things similar to that from many abusers. I deserved it because I was awful, or because it was all I would eber be good for. I was never going to amount to anything but their toy, because I was stupid and worthless... etc..
End trigger
I know now those words aren't true, not are the words you heard. They do leave such deep wounds
Thank you for hugs, made us feel lots better. :hug: :hug: :hug:
You smart and valuable...priceless even!
I came to this place via a very different journey.
My instructions were to lie still and be good whilst the nurses hurt me.
I was not allowed to complain about the amount of pain I was/am still in.
I had to perform all tasks to nothing less than perfection, regardless of my pain.