Out of the Storm

Starting this new journal full of hope. The new year is normally somewhat significant but not normally like this one is. This year the change happens to be coinciding with huge things for me in many aspects of my life, I have wanted to start a new journal anyways so this feels like the right time. I am full of hope and excitement for what lies ahead, although I know it will certainly not always be easy or feel good by any stretch.

Last year I entered the new year full of heart ache, stress, and doubt. I had my heart broken just months prior, was barely scraping by financially, and my healing was kind of at a halt. It was a truly dark time for me, and goodness so much came out of it but I had no idea at the time what that would be. Sitting here now I am grateful for the challenges and can look back with so much more compassion than I had in that moment. This year feels like ten has passed but simultaneously like it has only been a few months.

In this new journal I am hopeful to maintain my words for this new chapter: Trust and Dedication. I am determined to trust in the process, and dedicate the time and energy it will continue to take. Even more so I am determined to trust myself fully, and truly dedicate my time, energy, and heart to my passions and to the communities I truly believe I can help. It feels like a new chapter, so much work has been put into this and I do feel just the culmination of it all. I have been noticing it for weeks but it is fully coming to fruition as things fall into place. I feel different in the world and it is a beautiful change.

Anyways that is why I am starting a new journal. May it be full of hope and excitement, but also be true to what I am feeling and needing.

amen to that, sweetie.  i remember you then, and i see you now.  what a difference a year makes.  your grit, determination, courage, perseverance, and willingness to look forward for yourself are immeasurable.  happy new year my dearest el.  may your hopes be fulfilled, and your trust, especially in yourself, continue to grow.  love you so.   :bighug:

Happy New Year sweet Elpha,
Love and hugs to you flashlight  :hug:

You go girl!

San, I am so glad that the progress is noticeable! I always appreciate the validation and encouragement :hug:


Db and San, happy new year to you both!  :grouphug: Love you always

Hi Elpha,
Wishing you a Very Happy New Year and sending you a hug.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Still here just been overwhelmed by life a bit. Work is still really intense (if not more so than it was during the holidays). My grad school applications (the last five of them) are all due within the next month, my roommate is sick so house duties have all fallen on me, then of course there is just my normal busy schedule. So I haven't had the time or energy to truly write here. I kind of read but can't even find time to respond in a meaningful way this week. Hopefully this will start to calm down soon. I have a therapy session tonight and am hopeful that it will help clear out some junk that might free up some of my energy.

I am just really exhausted and pressing on the best I can. There is so much to look forward to but so much work to be doing it.  :fallingbricks:

hope therapy went well.  sounds like you have quite the full plate right now.  good luck with the last of your grad school applications.  love you.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

My session last night was really enlightening. We worked on early trauma between one year and 18 months, and then 19-21 months. The first part of that contains me breaking my head open. I have heard that story all my life, and been pretty seemingly unaffected by it. There is a small scar on my forehead to this day, but it is only noticeable if you know it is there, or if I am super sunburnt it glows white. I grew up hearing the story of how it happened, and how I reacted to it. Never putting any stock into it.

Come to find out while processing it was rather traumatic. There was a lot of stuck physical energy there. Could feel my head hurt and my body feeling trapped etc. But also the reminder my parents, particularly my mom, reacted really well and did exactly what they needed to in the moment. They got me somewhere for help, didn't panic, and stuck up for me. Mom made sure they didn't force me to be tied down, held my hand under the blanket the whole time, and had someone hold a mirror for me so I could see because that is what made me comfortable at the time. This was a good realization, it was also more sensations and feelings than I had ever had about this. I had heard the story but never remembered or felt anything about it. It just was.

So we did some somatic stuff to help that feeling of being trapped. My T is always able to find something that works, and blends different modalities seamlessly (this is career goals for me, gives me so many ideas on that level as well.. back to the healing part lol) She had me stand up and put my hands like I was going to reach forward, but then put her hands on mine to add resistance as I pushed my hands forward very slowly. It is interesting how much the brings attention to what energy feels stuck and then helps to release it. I am not super comfortable with processing the body sensations but I am able to pay attention to them much more. It seems to be healing. I am still rather exhausted today but I feel a different freedom in my body even today.

Outside of that we spent the last bit talking about my grad school applications. I have been stuck on Boston university for over two weeks.. have written about outlines and hated all of them. I am a strong writer with a million ideas but am finding none of them make me happy for this one. My T listened and reminded me that my gut was telling me something, because this was not an issue with my other schools as well. If it was all of them it would be different but it is just Boston. I recognize it is at the bottom of my list of schools that I would say yes to. That there is a part of me that knows Boston isn't a priority and it isn't "the school". That being said I do also realize I am also afraid I am not good enough and don't belong. It is the biggest name school I am applying to (just by chance, I looked at others but went for program content not name). There is pressure with such a big name and selective school.

What I need to decide is what my gut is truly telling me. Is my hesitancy due more to the "not good enough" thought process, or because I know that if any other school said yes to me I would say no to Boston. Which seems backwards, the name comes with an ease. I graduate from a prestigious school I could have any job I wanted and go on to a phd when I do finally decide to do that easily. But is that perk enough to make it worth it?

I sat down and looked at the program last night, tried to look at it as if I had never looked at it before. It is a diverse program with a trauma and violence specialization option for clinical students. The school itself is a huge agent of change in the realm of social justice and inclusion in the area it is. It is one of the top five MSW programs in the nation with professors that are renowned and have very active careers. Some of which I have read their writings before while doing research in my undergrad. All of that sounds like perfection, but there is just a odd sense to it. I did manage to write a good chunk of a statement for the school last night, and it feels much better but I still have to decide.

*sigh*

Lots of decisions to be made and no real time to make this one. I will choose but I am trying to figure out how much is imposter syndrome and my inner critic. I scared myself away from big names when I was going to my undergrad knowing I wouldn't get in because my inner critic and just concept of self where so poor. They no longer are, but I still struggle with it. So maybe I need to apply to remember I can do it and deserve a shot at it even if it is not where I end up going.  :blink:

On a different exciting note, the trauma informed book club I run each week is doing so well! We got an email from an author last week that wants us to cover their book and be involved in some of the session to answer questions and help offer insights. I am super excited at the prospect and honored to have that opportunity. I knew I was creating a good space, but did not expect anything like working with authors to be part of it because I didn't see it as something that big or important to others. Glad to know it is having more of an impact than I expected...

Thank you San! I saw that as I was about to post my update, one of those "there was a reply while you were replying" things. My plate is very full, and today I can feel the beginnings of being sick (I am surrounded by a good chunk of people that are actively or have been sick.) I need to nip that in the tail because I cannot spend the next few weeks sick...

Anyways thank you for the luck on my applications! I feel like I need it a lot at this point.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Coming back to write some more on a different subject. Sunday night I started to have forgiveness towards my M, just little bits, but it is developing. I am starting to more see where she was coming from and some things she did well. I don't feel like what she did was okay, I know in many cases it was damaging and that she missed a lot that I needed her to see. Nothing makes up for that, but I also don't feel so dang angry with her anymore. Like I know I wish it was different but it can't be changed and I am healing from it. My M is becoming a stronger, better person somehow.  I see it in her day to day and in the way she treats me even. Does that mean I think she is safe? No.. but maybe I can forgive.

She grew up in a household that was more toxic than my own, not with the large amounts of outside trauma that I did.. but my house was an improvement from the house she had as a kid. I know how damaging that can be, and looking with my adult eyes and from a place where I have more knowledge I can see some effort to change what she came from, to not be toxic to us like her parents were. It was not perfect, and it certainly caused me a lot of hurt but I can see that she tried. I can see that she is still trying to become the M I needed when I was younger. I can see the growth as a person in the way she treats my niece, in the way she reacts to my sister and brother now. Even talking with them they see the difference too. So she is trying even still to be better. For that i think I can forgive. Not perfectly at the moment, and not to her face but silently to myself I can start to forgive.

I can see that she cared, just not always in the ways I needed her to. She did care and did go to bat for me many times in my life. It doesn't make the times she didn't go away but it gives me more knowledge. Living with a roommate that has chronic migraines and being able to talk with her about how she struggles and hearing her stress has given me insight into how my M must have felt with hers that are even worse and cause more health issues.

I am finding a knowledgeable compassion and type of forgiveness for her. One that comes from a place of healing and adult understanding. She will never get to be the M I needed then and I may never rely on her for much, but letting her into a little bit of my life is okay I think. Slowly for sure and at my discretion but progress.

Lots to think on, and it is certainly a vastly different feelign from the one of anger and resentment.. even grief over her.. forgiveness feels like this peaceful place as long as I don't jump or run away from it. It no longer feels unsafe to forgive, it used to feel unsafe and wrong to forgive but sitting where I am now it is a peaceful thought and one I will slowly come to more understanding of. This will likely fluctuate and be a process in itself but I feel the shift and have for a little while.

My immune system finally gave out a bit. I have been surrounded by sick people at work, and my roommate has been sick for over a week.. my body finally decided it was sick on Tuesday. Over the last few days has gotten worse, hopefully not to develop into bronchitis like it did last time. I find that I truly do not have time to be sick right now. Being kind a gracious to myself this week has been so beyond difficult. I am having to give my self time to sleep and more understanding when I am still just tired or unable to be "productive" in the sense of getting work and my to do list done...

I do find that I am still contemplating what forgiveness for my mom would mean. It doesn't make what she did okay, but I think the forgiveness is more for myself than it is for her. It is not like I am going to walk up to her and tell her "I forgive you" that is not what is happening. I used to think forgiveness meant they were no longer responsible and that I had to just be okay with them and their actions. This forgiveness is not that, it is more of a feeling, letting them go for myself. One where I no longer feel like they owe me, or feel like I want any sort of reimbursement or vengeance. I do feel like I am angry anymore with her, Like I have hashed that out but I am not sure what forgiveness truly looks like or means. I will talk to my T about it but it is just spinning in my mind off and on so I needed to write.

For grad schools I am in a bit of "not enough" feelings at the moment. I am not exactly sure what has spiked that again but I am working on it. I think knowing that I should hear back from my top choice school in the next 9 days is scary and probably bringing back the worries of me not being good enough. My fear that all of the schools will tell me no. I am not prepared for that level of rejection I dont think. I don't believe I will see that many rejections but it makes me nervous. Some part of me is terrified.

There's more but I think that is enough for now.

Hi Elpha,
Sorry to hear you're not feeling well physically - you've had a lot on your plate - well done for getting through a week that you described as 'beyond difficult' - that's an enormous undertaking.  I hope you can get some rest and I'd like to wish you the best of luck with your applications - and I very much hope you'll have some positive replies - you certainly deserve them - that's what I think. 
:hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: :hug:

Health wise I am feeling much better. I mostly have my voice back and feel like I am really on the mend in that department.

Many things have happened in the last week and I have not written in here yet, because I am not really sure where even to begin. My M is coming into town, i did write a post on that. There are a load of feelings attached and I am working through them as best I can.

I found my ability to cry on Sunday and feel like I am just carrying that ache around some. I don't feel my anger, instead I feel my sadness and despair towards things I was once angry about. Progress in the grief process but goodness it feels worse. Anger is powerful and moving... sadness feels vulnerable and stagnant. I need to feel it too but it is vastly more uncomfortable and hard to sit with now that I have learned to process my anger. I am doing my best to give it the time it needs though.

Grad school stuff is full swing. My sleep levels have been awful because I am either awake working on it, or I can't sleep well because of the heightened anxiety around it right now. I have not heard back from a school that says I will know by the 20th and that truly makes me nervous... 3 days until that date and not hearing anything could mean so many things. I am trying to just occupy myself with other things..

The two year old part of me is sharing a lot lately. I am getting so much more knowledge and body feelings regarding that part of my life which is confusing in itself. I am not used to feeling things so fully in my body and trying to name them. It is a difficult and kind of scary process for me. I can't logic my way through body sensations like I can feelings... so it is new and I am glad my T is kind and knowledgeable about it.

I have found the last few days that energy drinks help me get through my stressful job so much better than normal coffee or just toughing it out. Probably not a good thing to have realized because it allows me to do more than I normally would manage. I am trying to watch myself so as to not go overboard but it feels nice to be productive...

Hi Elpha - just sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:  Glad that you're feeling productive, that sounds like a good feeling.  Glad also that you are feeling much better and that your voice has come back, mostly.  Sounds like you're on the mend.  Wishing you continued recovery.
Hope  :)

Today is hard... I started out well rested and happy. Then work happened.. I hate how one thing can trigger me still and send me spinning. I spoke with a man on the phone this morning that proceeded to yell at me, and then insult my intelligence. That did me in, insulting my intelligence feels like insulting my worth as a human being to me. I think that is partially my Ravenclaw side coming out, and also just the importance that my intelligence has had all my life. It was something that was always mine, no one could take it from me.. It was the thing that got me out of my abusive situation and what has made me able to succeed and learn as much as I have. It was also one of the few things I regularly got positive attention for as a kid..

this man, who does not know me, phrased his insults in a way that was so familiar to me. An insult to my intelligence that an abuser of mine used to use when they wanted to hurt me. It was so similar it instantly triggered me and has made me feel unsafe in my work place all day. I stepped away for a few minutes, then he called back and I had to actually help him (I hung up at one point because I couldn't handle it)... Having to help him even when he was cruel to me feels unfair to every fiber of my being and so much like being a kid. I was forced to help and fawn over people that insulted and hurt me so that I could survive... So I went instantly to that scared fawn reaction.. and then to tears because grief and fear mixed together because I stayed mostly in my adult self.. Either way, every time a phone rings here (even if it isn't mine) I jump and get shaky all over again. Like I am terrified to answer or call anyone.. and it has meant I have not felt safe or okay at work all day...

This happened at like 10 a.m. which was like 7 hours ago.. I have wanted to hide and just start over tomorrow. I need and deserve to feel safe.. I hate so much that this sent me spinning. I am resilient and strong. People get angry and that happens. Normally it sucks and then I can move on slightly more stressed for a while but this man was cruel and hit the exact right notes without even knowing me.

I am almost done at work and hopeful I can process this in therapy tonight. I don't want to get up tomorrow and be too triggered to come into work tomorrow. That never leads to good things... Going to try to hide for a few more minutes at work and then go home  :disappear: :disappear: We are normally understaffed, and today we are short one more person so I have had that added overwhelm all day.. barely being able to do my own job because I am having to cover everyone elses...  :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

EMDR helped a lot last night. I still feel the processing happening in the background as it does always after a true emdr session. For me it tends to continue processing for a few days which can be tiring but worth it.

I recognize that the younger parts of me went into a flight response because of all the experience in my life with people insulting my intelligence or worth.. and all of my experience with anger like that. I went back to memories of my M, and of a teacher I had when I was younger. For that classroom I was made to feel unsafe, and because of that I used to not ask to go to the bathroom and ended up wetting myself a couple of time. My M would then be extremely angry and insult me with a phrase that was nearly identical to the one I heard yesterday over the phone. I of course got triggered because I had not processed that memory or the fear surrounding it. My flight response was natural and it was trying to protect me from harm because harm did happen. I got hit for that incident several times.. Adult me knew the man over the phone had no right to yell at me, insult me or treat me like that in any form. I knew he was not there to hurt me and did not truly know me as a person so that it was not personal even if he was making it that way. That being said knowing logically is one thing, it doesn't invalidate the trigger and flight response from past experiences.

Through the processing I was able to find a new reaffirming phrase "It is not me, it never was me". That phrase is so powerful not only in the current day issue with this angry man, but also with everything in my past. I spent my life with people that took their anger out on me verbally, physically, sexually etc... Years of that left me believing it was me because surely the fact everyone in my life hurt me meant it was me and not all of them. It was a belief that helped me survive with less than okay parents and awful people scattered in my life. I have really done a lot to reverse that belief in the last few years and to gain a sense of self that reminds me of my own worth and value from within. So this new phrase in connection with all of my memories is giant. Like one more layer I can start to put in place. It truly was never me, that anger and weight was never mine to bear. It was never deserved and I will never deserve it.

There is power in that realization, one that even my younger parts can feel. Reminding them that it wasn't them they just were in the wrong place and the wrong time and that was not their fault.. They deserved kindness and love because I was lovable even if I had made a mistake that is an okay thing. That phrase has been repeating in my head, and reminding me I am and always was enough.

That brought me eventually to the fact my emotions are also connecting to schools right now. I have been pouring my heart and soul into these applications and they get to judge me on what I look like on paper. Like that glimpse of my heart and my academics determines my fate this year. There is a lot of pressure to be "good enough" I have been handling that for months and will be for a while longer. I realized last night, during emdr, that their yes or no is also not a reflection of me as a person as much as everything in the past was not me either. There are so many factors, and any rejections I get are not because of me as a person. It is a powerful realization as well and something I am trying to keep in mind as I wait for acceptance or rejection letters.

So lots of connecting the dots happening today. Work is not as bad today because of processing I was able to go and not be afraid. Hoping that will continue, and my work place will start to feel completely safe again.

So much has happened since I wrote that post. I have really settled into some of the emotional realization. Starting to truly understand that "it is not me, it never was me" I think it will take a while to sink in but it feels like a big change has started to happen. I honestly am beginning to look at my own traumas differently because of it.. and goodness I look at younger me with more kindness. Like I haven't truly blamed myself in a year or so, but I don't think I had fully forgiven either. I think this might be a start of some deeper forgiveness and understanding for myself.

My M will be in town on the 1st and leaving on the 6th... That will be a big adventure. I am extending as much of an olive branch as I can. She may not see it, but it is an olive branch nonetheless. I have never spent that much alone time with my M ever... There has always been someone else, or something else. I am curious to see how we do on our own. I don't intend to like bare my soul or anything, but maybe let her see my life a little. Not my traumas or anything, I am not ready for that.. but open with my day to day and let her be excited with me about grad school. That is big enough for me. Letting her into my adult life and letting her share any of that joy is a big thing. I am allowed to feel like that is big. My M missed a lot of important things in my life partially because I hid them, but also because she was blinded by her own issues and world. She doesn't get to just jump in, she gets doses until she proves she is going to take those chances seriously.

I have gotten accepted into the grad school of my choice as well. I get to go into a master's program for social work that is entirely built with a trauma practice focus. My personal statements were open with the fact I was a survivor and knew what it meant to go through trauma and have cptsd.. and they still let me in. It feels so miraculous to have someone, especially in an academic setting, accept me with that knowledge. My weird academic background included. I am passionate and I think it showed, somehow. I am nervous but so excited for what is to come. A year from now I will be in my second semester and have actual clients to work with. It is such an exciting thought, but there is some imposter syndrome going on in here, because the small little voice of "who am I to think I am well enough to have clients" is hard to get rid of. That is probably a very natural reaction to this, and I will move forward little voice or not. I have started to look at the university town, and everything surrounding it to know where it is I will be moving.

I am still in awe, and so excited to be working on my graduate studies. It has taken me two years out of my undergrad to find and pursue my passions but I am so glad I waited to find this path. I have a lot of healing work to do until then, and will need to find a new T etc.. but one step at a time. I am going to enjoy this for a bit. I did it and am on my way to a future so full of hope.

On that note I got to treat myself to concert tickets to Kelly Clarkson for the 7th. I have listened and admired her since I was like 10 years old when she was on Idol. It is a dream of mine that I can check off the list to see her in concert. Will oddly be going by myself but I think it will be a great experience and a beautiful kind of date night with myself. I deserve that sometimes. I can't just not do things because no one else is there to do them with me, so full acceptance of my wonderful independence. Which will be so needed after my M leaves the day before.

Things are going really well right now, and I could not be more excited. The emotional healing still is happening but it has a lot of positives to help feed it. One step at a time in the right direction I think.   ;D

You're amazing. What a difference from before! The new you shows through in your writing. You give me hope.  :hug:

I saw Kelly Clarkson in concert and loved loved loved her! She is a great performer and I enjoyed every second of it.

So proud of your hard work and dedication Elpha.  You are amazing and congrats to you on grad school.

Love you flashlight  :hug:

Three Roses, I am so glad you see the difference! It does really kind of feel like a new me. Grateful I can hope to you  :hug:

Db I am so excited to see her! She is such a lovely person and authentic from what I can tell. It is really good to hear she was a great oerformer when you saw her :)

Love you lots

Again, I feel like a lot has happened since I wrote. My goodness I have a lot going on right now.

*Trigger warning* Mention of suicidal thoughts
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The night I wrote that I ended up having an emotional flashback (plus side here my T, as soon as I described what happened, went "so an emotional flashback" like she knew what they were without explanation) anyways.. emotional flashback to the set of emotions that led me to write my suicide letter to my M. That just sense of complete overwhelm, despair, and sense of being done. I did eventually get to an image for it.. the moment of me sitting down and handwriting the letter in my rather dark room.

I had never flashed back to that moment, nor did I really know it was possible. It was really disconcerting to feel those things out of the blue. I ws confused as to why the sudden overwhelm and suicidal thoughts because they did not feel true to me in the moment but it took me a few minutes to feel the more physical symptoms and realize that it was a flashback. Thankfully, as my T pointed out, I am no longer completely knocked down by the flashbacks anymore. I don't have them as often but when I do I am learning to really handle them more effectively.

Last night I had my EMDR session and decided to start to work through that memory. There is so much despair and honestly some shame (again my T reading things I wasn't saying, thank goodness) in that memory. I have spoken so little about that part of my life, even with her. I spend a lot of time hashing out my issues with my family, and younger sexual abuse etc... like there is so much fuel there and I am so honest about all of that. However, being truly suicidal and feeling like I did not deserve to live is something I have a harder time being honest about. I grew some more understanding to all of the things that led me to that point last night, and some kindness for the part of me that still holds that. Having my T help me through EMDR and bear witness to some of the feelings and processes my brain needs to go through to heal this was so helpful. I am glad I was honest.. I started my session in just a week recap and said the flashback had happened but not what it was to because I was shy about it still. Opening up is much more healing and I know that, it just took time.

So I need to do more EMDR on it, probably another session or two but it is a good start towards healing that wound. I am realizing it is huge I can hold and process those emotions because they once almost drowned me. To be able to feel and process them without being overwhelmed is truly miraculous and a reminder of how much progress I am making.

*end trigger warning*


In the meantime, I am working on more applications for grad school stuff. Come to find out getting in comes with more paperwork and applications.. I knew that but goodness need to get funding for grad studies now that I have gotten in. It is a lot to do this week

My M is coming in on Friday, another thing I talked with during my session. My T asked if I needed a "Shock plan" for if my M said or did something that was really awful. With that comes the realization that I didn't make one before last night. Normally when seeing my FOO I have a plan and escapes very well thought out like weeks in advance.. because I feel like I need to. However this time, I am more level and grounded. I haven't felt the need to create a plan because I am not sure I will need it. I believe I can manage my M being here and if she says something I feel like I can handle whatever it is. So I hadn't planned or over thought it so much. That is a really strong shift in my ability to cope and just my general mental state which I love.

Lots of progress all around. Now off to keep juggling all the balls I am juggling. Felt validating for my T to recognize all that I am juggling and how well I am doing so. Nice to hear sometimes as I keep on going.

I feel like I have a great deal going on in all parts of life right now. Every time I write here I feel like a ton has happened. This time probably because it has been 10 days and my life has never been known to be peaceful for 10 days.

My M has come and gone. I wrote some of my feelings down in my thread under the FOO category. Goodness knows I have more that I am finding I feel about her visit and the things surrounding it. I have never so deeply wanted an apology for my childhood from her... It may pass and I may find I don't need one but for the first time in my life I want one, and I want to know so deeply that I deserve that from her. It is a difficult desire to have..

The trip went well, not sure I have written that here. She was non-judgemental, kind, and even respected my boundaries. It was like (as I phrased it to my T on M) having an "alien mom" because it was so vastly different. My T truly believes there is some therapy or something going on with my M because of certain ways she said or did things while she was here. I can say I agree there is some healing going on there, although I have no idea what type. For that I am grateful, everyone needs and deserves to heal from any trauma they have. I am glad she is doing whatever she is and is more present in her life. However, I am hesitant still to let her have the adult relationship she is trying for with me. She missed so much of the first 24 years of my life.. she missed the big peices I needed her to see.. and failed to protect me even when she knew things happened. So I am hesitant.. and some part of me asks "why in * should I let her in now? She doesn't deserve any part of the person I have become"

But there is a part of me that is forgiving, and recognizes my M's trauma and its affects. I recognize that she was probably struggling with dissociation and anger issues because of the unrecognized trauma in her background.. My D is the same way. He was never present because he was numbing.. especially after his parents died when I was a teenager.. He has and will probably never deal with those. My M looks to be dealing with hers and trying to do better than her parents.. she calls them on their behavior when it is abusive or ever edging on it.. so maybe just maybe she deserves forgiveness and a piece of who I am now. There is a giant split in my thoughts and somewhere in the grey area is my true answer.

I saw Kelly Clarkson last night and am in awe. It was an amazing show and I still can't quite believe I got to see one of my idols perform. She is a fantastic musician and a wonderful human being from what I can tell.

I have an interview scheduled for two weeks from today! I may get an Graduate Assistanship for a college's Suicide prevention program. It would be such great experience and a really worthwhile way to get funding for my master's degree. I have gotten my second acceptance letter to a program at a different school. I would say 2 for 2 is good. I am waiting on one more decision letter but not really expecting it to change my mind of where I want to go.

Life is full of tons to do right now, and I really think I am where I need to be. Although nervous I may have to move earlier than expected but I will find  out. Can't stress about that until I know for sure.

Anyways that's my update for the moment. I am sure there will be more eventually

HI Elpha,
Glad that your M's visit was ok, and that your trip went well.  Great that you enjoyed seeing Kelly Clarkson perform - sounds really good.
Good luck with your interview - I know it's a while away yet, but it's great that you have it!   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope!  :hug:

I came here to post a bit about what is going on. I had my session with my t last night. We are diving into the "hard stuff", as if the other stuff wasn't, but I am at a point we are starting to tackle the most difficult of my memories (primarily my physical/sexual abuse) with emdr. I am glad I have come far enough I can hold those type of memories and process them. They were overwhelming when I first started with this T, so I am glad to have made this kind of process. It is still kind of intimidating because I know there is a lot to get into. I know that this week went well, but I am aware of the fact it won't always go so smoothly... I won't always have the ability to hold the memory as well as I did last night, and sometimes it will take a much bigger toll on me to process these. I am determined to heal and will tackle the rough times and I know my T will help me stay present and remind me to stop if I need to. She did last night before we started because we knew I was getting into a really difficult memory.

Speaking of last night's session, I started processing the newer memories I got a month or so ago. Those are ones that are held by a 2 year old version of myself, ones that I really had to work to kind of place in my story.

*trigger warning* (foo abuse, sexual abuse mentions)



This particular memory is when my uncle molested me as a toddler. It is relatively new for me to have that memory, because I guess it is finally safe enough for me to have the information. I worked on processing the fear that younger me felt in that moment,  I remember specific bits of the event but it is not a clear full memory. I remember him touching me, and I remember her teaching me to touch him. At 2 years old I had no concept of what that was. I had no concept of why it was wrong, I just knew it felt icky and scary. It is harder to process from a time period that I had no real understanding of it. By the time I was 6 or 7 I had an understanding not an adult understanding but certainly a level of comprehension that I should not have had so those memories feel different and more clear. From 2 year old me though I had no concept of it.

Little me held a lot of fear and confusion. She loved her uncle and didn't know why he wanted her to do those things. It feels like there was a separation in that moment because I could not have held both truths as a small child. My uncle was a caretaker of me at that point in my life and I needed to be able to still have him meet my basic needs despite this moment.

I envisioned her getting to have some form of power to shove my uncle away and run to my parents and tell them. In this version they held me, listened, and believed me. They did what I needed them to do and protected me. It was healing a way to get the experiential, I used to underestimate the effect that could have but it does start to heal those fears and memories. It doesn't change them but it helps my mind and body heal. It can lesson the anxiety around the memory and certainly changes the body sensations that surround it.

*end trigger warning*


Mid session I did go a bit more into that memory and got lost for only a half second because my T decided to say something in that moment and it brought me instantly back. I then managed to remain present the rest of the session. It gives me faith that I will manage to to this with more memories and do more true emdr on the ones from when I was slightly older. Hopefully making me truly ready to go into my master's program with my own junk really cleared out enough to hold others up.

Coming back here again. There is a lot of processing in the back ground so splitting it into smaller posts. Eventually a letter to my M but that won't be until I am more at home tonight.

I realized last week that I really want and deserve an apology from my M. My D too but not as much right now. My T mentioned that it was possible that it is coming up now because there is a small bit of possibility for it to go well. I used to assume any conversation about it would lead to some sort of fight and traumatizing result so that I would never breach the subject. But having seen changes in her and in me there is this small inkling of possibility that one day I could talk to her and have it go okay.. that maybe she would actually care and listen. That being said I am not ready to go about that yet. I want to be but will not rush that.

I feel the need for an apology for her not being there when I needed her. She was physically present but she was not emotionally there for me. She missed so many signs of abuse that I wish she would have caught. I know she had her own traumas and was trying to do better than her own parents but goodness she missed so much. I needed and deserved for her to protect me, or at very least to help me in the aftermath of it. So an apology for not being there..

Also an apology for some of the ways she treated me when she was there. Being too controlling, full of anger, and verbally rather abusive at times. She did her share of damage and I really need her to recognize that. It is hard to feel like I want it to be heard and noticed..scary to think about have that conversation..but before I can trust her and let her be "mom" I need to know she recognizes and regrets these things.

I know she knows about two instances of sexual abuse in my life and I never got help with those, and feel like they got shoved under the rug. I am not sure they knew what to do but I want to know she wished she could have protected me and that they at least thought about getting me help.. that they cared about it..

Okay done for now. Need to keep the emotions to a minimum ish

So I got another call for an interview today. I have two interviews on the 22nd (next friday) for graduate assistantships. Both would give me such valuable experience for my field. They would both get me in-state tuition, and a living stipend. It would make it possible to not work an outside job while going to school. That is huge! Other good news, I got into Simmon's university and got offered a merit scholarship to start my funding which is great. I have put in for other scholarships through UNI as well and hope to get one (we will see).

Anyways all of this is great. The interviews make me nervous but I know I interview well. However there is still the part of me that worries I'm not enough. So much is falling into place and I have gotten into my top two schools at very least. I am getting offers for funding and that is amazing. It says a lot about how much those schools want me there, but goodness do I deserve it? Am I truly ready to take that leap?

I feel like this whole process has been so fast and just one giant leap. Signing my acceptance letter and jumping into the first day of classes will be a much bigger leap.. oneinto a future that I want, but am so nervous is more than I can handle I guess.

This really boils down to imposter syndrome. I feel like maybe I look great on paper and am not so great in person? That maybe I came across as more thanI actually am.

I know better than to fully listen to that ICr and imposter thoughts. I have worked hard for all of this and have been through so much that goodness knows I deserve some good to fall into place.

There is also a piece of me waiting for this to fall apart, waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I have had a massive influx of good, positive occurrenceS and encouragement from all sides. It is great but I don't trust it still. I am so grateful for all of it but I doubt my own deservingness of it. I doubt its ability to stay because at some point it will realize that is not my life.. that is someone else's.

Here's to trying to stay positive though. I realize I have worked so hard for these things and am truly passionate about this field. I have experience backing me, btoh my own trauma and my volunteer work. I have a T that fully supports this, groups of people that a thrilled to see me do this.. and my own heart that tells me this is where I a meant to be.. I have to believe that is enough

I am taking some time to self care tonight. I ended up having a long DnD session last night which, while fun, is not particularly energy restoring. I still feel pretty hung over from my EMDR session Monday and think that is why. Also recognizing that I am still working through the stuff with my M which just adds more to the mix. I was being hard on myself this morning because I normally am only really tired from it for one day so having emdr roll over a second was unusual for me.. I realized, with some help, that it is reasonable as much as I have going on. Even if I didn't emdr can be really taxing and it is okay to still feel that today. It isn't bad or overwhelming it is just the tiredness and kind of background emotional process that happens. Need to be kinder to myself.

So I definitely cracked a little today. I woke extremely anxious, after not being able to sleep much because of anxiety and my cat last night again. I was doing well to listen to music, stay somewhat focused, and be at work today. As well grounded as I could get myself to be but this afternoon I was short with a coworker not so much because of her but because of that underlying anxiety and stressors.

Originally I couldn't truly put a reason to the anxiety because little me feels okay about the processing and there was no really obvious trigger for them. However I found something that fits for me. I have been under a lot of pressure lately and it is getting to me more and more. Thus the being unable to fall asleep or sleep soundly. I haven't been able to quiet my mind or just stop and sit for a while.

I said to myself today " I just don't want to disappoint anyone" and that hit a chord, like instant tears to my eyes although held them back since I was at work when I realized that. I am feeling all of this pressure to succeed right now, and so far I am but goodness there is a part of me that is terrified to screw that up... terrified that I will stop succeeding. I have been getting so much encouragement and praise in the last several months, especially since I got my first acceptance letter. I am beyond grateful for all of it but because of my past I put pressure on that.. certainly self perpetuated so I need to deal with it and that starts with recognizing it.

The good is amazing, but I am scared to disappoint people. I am worried I will disappoint everyone that has faith in my right now, that people that say they look up to be will be disappointed and let down. That schools that let me in will be disappointed in who I actually am when I am not what they expected because some version of me is better on paper. I am worried to stop succeeding at healing... I am told by people I adore and respect that I inspire them and that they  have faith I will continue to do so.. but if I falter or stop being "good" at healing and facing this junk I ruin that inspiration.

I love the encouragement and seeing that people think so highly of me but it terrifies me what happens when I ruin that. When something happens and I fail.

There are lots of reasons in my past that have created that kind of self perpetuated pressure.. with my foo the only time I was truly praised was when I was accomplishing something perfectly. My perfect grades, class attendance, music performance, varsity sports teams, honors etc... that is when I was valuable and noticed. No one paid attention if I wasn't doing well and being way above average. Teachers grew to expect that and perpetuate it.. my abusers certainly did even before all of that because I was expected to act and respond perfectly or things would be worse for me or someone else.

I was only safe and valuable when I was succeeding and overachieving.. so it the pressure still comes so naturally to me and wears on me more than I realize. To the extent I am even putting pressure on how well I manage to heal or process... which is definitely not something I should be trying to be perfect at.. it is't possible. But all the praise and people looking to me as a role model or inspiration makes it difficult.. It reminds me of that praise when I was younger and I get freaked out I will stop mattering when I inevitably disappoint someone :fallingbricks:

I heard an anecdote once that might help give you perspective.

We look at others around us, and compare ourselves. It's natural. The successful businessperson, driving a fancy car; the beautiful family with well-mannered, healthy children; large houses with beautiful, expansive yards and gorgeous landscaping.

And we compare ourselves to others - those who look dirty, or smell funny; whose children run rampant through stores.

And we rate the successful people an 8 or 9 on a scale of 1-10, and the others a 2 or 3.

But we don't see that the successful businessperson who lives in a mansion goes home and beats their partner, cheats on taxes, and owes more on their house and car than they can ever pay.

And we don't see that the other family who goes home to their modest house gives more than their fair share to charity, and the children, although rambunctious, are happy and well-loved.

On a scale of 1 to 10, we are all 5.

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
— Theodore Roosevelt

TR, that is a great anecdote. It certainly gives me a lot to think of an some perspective. I will need to read it a few times, after I have further calmed the more triggered bits of myself to fully understand it.

Thank you for sharing  :hug:

 :hug:

Thank you  :hug: :hug: Hugs are the best. It is snowing heavily here which just brings my heart a lot of joy. Snow makes me really happy inside. I also finally took some medicine last night to help me sleep so I have a bit of a cleared head thankfully. I normally can balance things and remind myself the good doesn't need to come with pressure but I got a little out of whack. Will take some working on.

Hi Elpha,
So lovely that you're enjoying the snow and feeling happy.  That's a great feeling.  :hug:
Hope  :)

I am still working through the pressure that got to me this week. I do feel like it is something I need to process more directly with my T in the coming weeks.

Good news, I accepted my admissions offer from Northern Iowa. It was my top choice and of the schools that accepted me the most doable. I am excited to say I am one step closer to officially starting classes in the fall. I will be on campus next Friday to interview and hopefully get to look around for a while. It sounds like I am going to stay in town that night and just drive home in the morning, I feel like that is safer than making both drives in one day.


Things with my M have been good. She has been really excited for me and again just sweet even over text message. I am trying to remind myself that she is changing and it is okay to be a little kinder and more sincere with her.


My younger self is still doing well with the processing from last Monday which is a good sign for this new round of emdr.

Other things come to mind but honestly I want to come here a little more awake to chat about them

I have gotten some really good perspective over the last few days. I was so worried because in my past it was my achievements and what I could do for people that was valued. I was only good enough if I was being perfect, and even then people could find fault. Often times not being perfect, or not being busy, or not playing the roles that were required of me was dangerous to my well being. So I grew to be an overachieve, perfectionist type. I got extremely good at it. To some level I am grateful for it, it got me scholarships and got me away from my abusive childhood. However it does now still hurt me from time to time because I puzh myself too far or worry that when I fail to be perfect that people will just cease to value me, and that my insights and thoughts will no longer matter.

I know though that things in my current life don't operate on that level. Through kindness here and in other places I know that people do care for me as a person.. not jsut for my achievements or what I can do for them. People do value me as a person and not just for the list of things I have done and am doing. It is still very hard to accept that I am good enough and valuable just being me, but I can logic my way to knowing others don't see me like I was seen in my abusive environment. Really this means people actually see me, rather than looking through me and just as a list of things rather than a person.

I definitely have some processing to do but I am slowly able to remind myself that I am valuable even if I am not perfect. That being human is okay, so I can be a bit kinder and a bit less on edge all the time.

Just reflecting after my session last night.

First thing that sticks out is something my T said. we were discussing my nerves about needing to leave for school earlier than planned and just my worries that it won't happen how I need it to extra. Which led to talking about the idea that things will happen the way they are meant to, and whether I resonate or subscribe to that idea. My T realized I may not because all that has happened to me, and was honest that she struggled to wrap her mind around that when she first started working with complex trauma, particularly with people who have childhoods like my own. I was open and said I had always struggle to wrap my mind around the idea things would happen as they are meant to, because of what I had been through. That I could hardly have an idea of any sort of spirituality because of it. So what sticks out is that she said for her, she does believe that things will happen as they are supposed to but that sometime free will gets in the way of that. I am not sure that I will ever subscribe to that idea but it is fuel for thought. I do also enjoy some open discussion about this, and she knows that so our boundary there is already pretty stable when any sort of spirituality comes up. She has never pushed it, but has always allowed me the space to ponder and be curious when I wanted to. It is good for my own recovery to be able to just question all sorts of things and it is nice to have someone that I am comfortable doing so with. But this stands out as something to think on.. something that is kind of reassuring in this moment because no one really has any power to change this.

She also said that we would do some intensives like 2 or 4 hour long sessions if we needed to for me to get to the place I want to be before I leave if I do have to leave early. Would be intense but I would definitely do them if it felt productive. I need to decide what I feel like I need to have done to be ready. It does look like I will need to move in May and not August because the way that leases and paperwork are looking. It is scary for me in this moment because I had planned to have more time for a lot of things in my healing, but also just in my day to day life that I need to get all squared away before moving. It will be okay though, I have a knack for figuring things out and I need to remember that.

My T also reminded me that everything I have ever truly set my mind to I have accomplished. It is a super power I think, and one I need to remember I have. Especially at times like this when so much is happening in my life.

We did also return to processing trauma from when I was 2. Much less dynamic than last time and honestly turned into some grief work surrounding my paternal grandma who I lost when I was a teenager. Funny how those things are connected sometimes. Little me got to process and be safe, adult me got to remember her and feel some of the grief that I haven't really spoken about in my life. I miss her still and am surprised how many feelings that can still bring up in me. Nearly 9 years later and I still miss her and the safety she brought with her. She was a safe person, one full of love and light. The only member of my Foo that was ever completely good for me. One that I can't connect a single bad memory to. She was and is truly good and happy in my memory. We took time to let me sit in some good memories of her, my T had me tell her a few of my favorites without really explaining why. Then I sat in those and we made it into a resource. The feeling of safety and love could be made into something I could tap into when I needed it. Always glad my T sees those opportunities and helps me use them. I would have never through to use it as a positive resource for my own healing.

So bitter sweet, but I am glad to remember her and process some of that grief last night.


I got to talk about the flood of anxiety and sleep issues I have been having as well. Point one, excitement feels a lot like anxiety and it may be more excitement than anxiety. I am working to sit with it and see what feels true in these feelings. Trying to separate the two. Second thing, I have not been as able to bring myself to do things that I know are grounding and helpful to me. Which has been really frustrating and led to some self shaming that is not helpful but is natural. My T pointed out that likely it is a inner child part of me that may just be scared or too excited, or some other feeling that is why I am not able to do the things I know would help myself. She reminded me there is always a reason, and that finding that why will help so much more than the self blame and frustration will. I am hopeful to try to do some yoga tonight and see if I can work through whatever has been holding me back from that practice.


I do also find myself worried about being "healed enough". I have done a lot of work, and will continue to do my work through school. I do worry that I am not healed enough to help others. I know in my personal statements I said that I was. That multiple years of healing had prepared me to help others with their trauma, but was I right? That is a future worry and one that I will only be able to tackle as it comes up. I am trying to not obsess over it. Allowing myself to write it here so it no longer lives in my head, it has a voice and a place but I need to be present in the moment and not somewhere else that is miles ahead (another good point made by my T last night, man we hit a lot last night). It is hard to not be constantly in my future worries, to stay more present right now because there is so much to coordinate and worry about for that future. My mind is already at UNI but I need to be here in my life now, preparing for UNI but not already mentally there. Work in progress as always.

I also got reminded that what people see in me, and the reason people care now is my vulnerability and humanness. That it isn't the fact I accomplish a lot or have this facade of being perfect... because I don't exude that anymore. I intentionally and honest and vulnerable in my healing. Schools know that I am a survivor and chose to accept me into their programs as is. So that openness and my own journey is enough. I am open here and in other groups.. and I was open there so that openness is what I exude most of the time. That is why I have the community and connections I do, not because I have the fake persona I used to keep up.

Then there is E, I always call her E but for anyone that does know she is my old private flute instructor from my undergrad degree who was mildly abusive. She has called, emailed, texted, and found my facebook. Trying to congratulate me on my acceptance and wanting to meet up to catch up. I have not responded at all. Trying to decide if I should to be honest. I am leaving (possibly in three months) and starting a new chapter. One that I am proud to call mine. One that is completely abuse free, and from a healthier place in me. But with closing this chapter do I want to close things with her? Do I want to attempt to get any closure from her or for myself? Do I need to say any words to her for my own healing? Could I handle saying those things? Much like with my M I wish I could say things, I wish I knew that a conversation would help but it could be damaging even if it could also be good. I think this is why I never could pull the trigger and block her number entirely. There is a part of me that wishes for closure, to be able to say the things I wished I had in college.. to maybe hear something that would make it possible for me to play more consistently again. I do miss it, but I am never sure it will be something I can do consistently... and maybe talking with her could change that.

Goodness just the idea of playing consistently again, and loving my music the same way brings tears to the back of my eyes. I think grief is certainly the forefront of everything I am processing now. It is not so much fear or anger, but grief for what was or what never was that I wish had been... for things I lost or never got the chance to have. I am not good at grief work... not really a familiar area but one I am working on.

I find myself close to tears in my T's office every week but it never actually happens. she is good to sit and let me feel them even if they don't show and to remind me that tears are good and healing. I still can't bring them to actually happen. I feel like one day they will happen and I worry they won't stop. Much like with anger I was worried It would never stop and I would just always be angry. That isn't the case. I processed my anger and can now pull on it and feel it, but it is not as overwhelming as it was. Processing my anger didn't make me into an angry person and it did not make me into my M. There are still lines in how I will express anger but it is because I am a generally quiet reserved person, so anger for me does not come out in the loud overly expressive way it does for some others. For me I could say angry things, and could envision in my heard being angry and kicking this etc. I could physically (in a safe exercise) push my therapist and allow myself to throw a ball at the wall.

With that in mind my tears and the pain of grief would be harder at first, but they would also come to pass. They would become manageable and something I could process and call on when I needed. They would become something I am not afraid of. I could learn to sit with them and not drown in them.. I could find that they don't make me a sad person, just like anger doesn't make me an angry person. Will see what my T says next week. Put it on the list of things I want to ask. It was on there but i didn't get to it and other things felt more important this week. But I find myself asking if it is bad I still haven't cried in her office? Not truly allowed myself to be that vulnerable. I am otherwise very vulnerable and open in that office but that is where I still struggle to open up.

Okay, obviously a million things happening in my head all at once. It is running ten bazillion miles an hour and I got a sense of calm in my session last night that I was unable to hold onto. I am going to try to tap into it when I get home tonight.

Otherwise for now, this post is far to long so I will stop here and come back if I need to later.  :Idunno: :whistling: :dramaqueen: :fallingbricks:

This post should be shorter, I promise. I have had so much on my mind it just comes out in novel form sometimes. I physically sat down and wrote in a journal last night, hoping it would help me process some things physically. Anyways I realized why I am so afraid of leaving in May instead of August.

1. The part of me that needs stability, predictability, and safety freaked out. Moving my timeline up three months is a giant change and it is hard for part of me to adapt to that.

2. I am scared of leaving my current T. I know that may sound silly but it is a hard relationship to imagine leaving. My T has become, over the last two years, a source of safety, encouragement, warmth, and healing. She is a consistent presence in my life and the first person to be able to truly help me sit with my trauma and heal. The first true healing relationship I have had, and one I could learn a lot more from if I were to stay. It is scary to think of not having that source of support that I have grown so used to having.. It worries me that I am not ready to leave that. Also scares me to try to rebuild that with another therapist... I will want to continue my healing work, maybe not as intensely while I am in school but definitely still want to continue healing and seeing someone. That will mean finding someone new.. and building that trust while I am also working to transition into life. I am worried that leaving my current T is too soon, or will be too much.. That healing relationship has become so important and I hadn't even truly realized it until I started processing my fears. I need to process this with her but am unsure of how to bring that up. I am always vulnerable and open with her, but this feels like a different level.

3. It gives me less time to back out. Moving early is more permanent and real much earlier. I have less time for something to go wrong and me to have to react to it etc.. less time for this to sink and go spinning away. I know that sounds backwards since I have been so excited but it is a fear that I feel right now.

Hi Elpha,
You have so many changes going on, so be kind to yourself.  I can particularly understand the second point you listed about being scared to leave your current T - that is such a big thing.  Sending you a gentle hug of support with everything here  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: :hug: Hugs are the best for these like this. I am glad my fear is understood, I really appreciate that validation so much.

Feeling so much better today. I took a few hours of time off this morning before going into work today. I decided I really wanted, needed, and deserved to stop the giant anxiety and fear cycle I have been in. Taking that bit of time is seriously the best self care I have done in weeks. I feel much more okay and settled.


Last night I talked with my roommate about the move, spoke logistics and possible solutions etc. We both walked away feeling better about the whole thing which is good. It will be doable.

I have been here a lot this week. I will likely be here more tonight but for now I wanted to write out things I could be excited about. I wrote down my fears and feel like I need to write why I am excited to balance it out.

1. Moving in May means time to settle into a new town and space before having to settle into the stress of school. It also gives me the opportunity to work into a therapeutic relationship without the stress of school already being present.

2. It means I get to leave my very stressful job sooner which really is such a great thing.

3. I will have time to take an entire week to move and unpack. I have never had that freedom before.

4. I get to start my new chapter. I do truly believe this is what I am meant to be doing with my life. I am meant to help others and specifically to help survivors of trauma take back their lives and their voices. Everyone deserves to be heard and I have the ability to hear many people in my career. I intend to listen and hold space for as many people as I can, and guide as many as I can to where they want to be. That all starts with getting my degree, with learning the skills my Master's program has to teach me. I am a healer and an advocate now, but goodness the things I will be able to do when trained and empowered.

That last one alone is enough to move my life. It is enough to risk leaving the life I have built here and having to rebuild a new one again. It is worth leaving the first place I made home for myself, the first place where I was truly myself. I can be a fuller more true version of myself in Iowa, one that is on a beautiful path. Being able to help others more fully is enough for me to face all the fears I am going through right now... and to kick all the doubts aside and remember why I am being brave and taking a giant leap of faith. The people I can help, people I don't even know yet, are enough for me to do this. So I will be brave, strong, and resilient. I will tap into my excitement and help ease my own fears or at least learn to live with them better. I will do this with such passion and heart that nothing could possibly deter me from it.

I am strong and brave. I am not fearless but I can conquer and work with the fears rather than against them. They mean I have something to gain and learn. I meant to be walking this path and have known that for a logn time. Even when I was super little all I wanted to was to help others. Every plan I ever had for my own life revolved around how that could make the world more full of kindness, and even just a little brighter for other people. It was and is some innate part of my being and I am finally allowing myself the chance to really let that flourish. To use that heart as a strength and not view it as my weakness. It was never a weakness even though it felt like it for so long.

My past also helps here. I will never say I am grateful for my abuse or for my CPSTD and I don't think I need to be. That does not mean that I can't use that experience to help and to grow. It doesn't mean that I can't use it to be a better healer. I think I can utilize it without being grateful it happened.

Tomorrow's interviews are huge and nerve wrecking however they are a chance towards experience in my field. They are a chance to share my passions and ideas and to get to have a strong place on this campus come August. They are a way for me to start to stretch my wings a little, and have even more chance to learn and grow. So I will not be fearless, but I will be confident and brave.




That took a turn I did not expect it to but I am glad it did.  ;D

 :thumbup:

You're so inspiring! Thanks for posting.

Thanks, Three Roses! Glad my sharing can be inspiring. I am so nervous for today but so excited to see campus and have a chance at two great Assistantships. The new adventure really starts this morning, at least the phase 1/2 I think. Phase one is more in May when I move.

Excited and terrified, things are a mix but it will be so good. Lots of luck and hope for today

For anyone keeping track, my drive and visit to University of Northern Iowa went really well. I have really appreciated all of the encouragement and support here! It has been a lifesaver over the last few weeks of anxiety and doubt.

Campus and the city surrounding it really feel like I could call them home for a couple of years to get my degree here. My interviews both went well. Although, I am much more excited about one of them than the other. I am hopeful for either one but really Want one on one over the other.


Now that I have been here and started to meet people calm my fears and doubts have started to subside. All of the worries of not being enough and the inner critic voices that were screaming so loudly have really quieted. It a nice relief

"The people I can help, people I don't even know yet, are enough for me to do this. So I will be brave, strong, and resilient. I will tap into my excitement and help ease my own fears or at least learn to live with them better. I will do this with such passion and heart that nothing could possibly deter me from it. "

I am proud of you and excited for the next steps in your journey. Understand your fear of change, and especially of leaving your T, but you sound like you are doing a good job of going step by step and having good self-care.

"I am strong and brave. I am not fearless but I can conquer and work with the fears rather than against them. They mean I have something to gain and learn. I meant to be walking this path and have known that for a logn time. Even when I was super little all I wanted to was to help others. Every plan I ever had for my own life revolved around how that could make the world more full of kindness, and even just a little brighter for other people. It was and is some innate part of my being and I am finally allowing myself the chance to really let that flourish. To use that heart as a strength and not view it as my weakness. It was never a weakness even though it felt like it for so long."

Wow! Elpha, when I think back over your progress the time I've known you on this forum, I feel blown away at your progress! You really are strong and brave, determined, talented. I take my hat off to you. Really :yes:.  :cheer: :bighug: :waveline:

Thank you both so very much  :hug: :grouphug:

It means the world to have you recognize the progress, Blueberry. I think I am creeping up on two years here (where did the time go?). It has and will continue to be such a huge journey. I reread my own words and it is still so weird to read the difference like it feels like a different person sometimes. I had no idea how far I would come in that time, and certainly no idea that I would be preparing for a degree in the mental health field. I wouldn't change it for a second though  :hug: Thank you for being here along this journey.

Hey, Elpha -- it's a very freeing feeling to notice when yes, it does seem like a real corner is being turned. That even if there are hazards unknown to encounter, just knowing one has made it beyond previous struggles is an accomplishment to fall back on, accept, and once again feel confident enough to keep moving forward. To a time when the words still sound meaningful, but now the steps have been tried and sometimes they seem more meaningful as well.

Here's to more good 'cess as you journey further.  :hug:

I am finally coming here today. It is day four for me. Day four is kind of my survival count for the day. Four days of making it and doing what I need to in order to survive.

The first couple of days I was not sure I would survive it, I wasn’t sure I wanted to survive this. I will and I do want to survive this now. It is extremely painful when I feel it, but there are waves of numb, then there are moments of normal. There are moments I am reminded of the life I have built and am shown that life doesn’t just disappear. It is still there for me as I am ready to take it back. Slow steps but steps towards that are being made.

I went out and got one of my favorite lattes and real fast burritos in the city this morning. I chose to do something normal and go to a place that had other humans in it. Where interactions were pretty certain to be safe. To remind myself those places and things are still mine, even if they feel distant right now.

That life and those things do feel so distant, and I get glimpses of them occasionally now but it is hard to hold onto them.

*TW*
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I don’t feel whole right now, like I know somewhere all of me exists but I don’t feel like I have all of those pieces actively right now. I don’t feel fully, which does mean I don’t feel the pain fully but it also means I don’t feel the joy or positive things in my life either.

I was abused relentlessly as a child. I was beaten, raped, thrown, emotionally torn apart etc.. and I have rebuilt from that, I suvrvived despite so many things that threatened to be the end of me. I claimed my life back. I have done so much healing and worked so hard to be the person I am.

So having this hurt in current day is difficult. I don’t think there is anyways to make it easier. I think my healing before this gives me tools to survive this, but it doesn’t make it feel less awful. It doesn’t make me truly believe I will be okay, I am still not sure that I ever will be. I say I will be okay, and I say that it will feel better but I have yet to truly believe those words. I say them as a reminder that I have been through worse and come out the other side. I say it so I continue to want to survive. There are moments that is really hard.

Day four means a lot. I got home, I got out of the initial shock, and I got back to safety. I managed to drive across state lines and get home. Survival instincts worked and got me here. Determination and resilience paired with some luck.

My body will slowly become my own again, every day I am farther away from him. I think it is like 7 years and all the cells in my body will be different. I celebrated that moment with my early abuse. I was elated to have that moment. Likely I will celebrate that day again, but pray that healing does not take me that long to latch onto this time.

I already knew how personal and devastating sexual assualt and rape could be because of my past. In the present day it feels different, it is no longer a distant memory. Instead this is a new nightmare..one I can remember and still feel like it was yesterday... truly because it was four days ago. I am strong and resilient and have to keep holding onto that.

I am sharing and writing here because it keeps me accountable, it keeps me aware of my own patterns right now. It makes me recognize the shame I had around having it happen again. I can see the parts of me that struggle because they didn’t do enough to protect me. I fought back more than I ever have in my life but I froze still. My bodies natural response is to freeze and dissociate. It kept me safe when I was younger and it is the natural response it still has to trauma.

I need to not shame that. From my learned and logical perspective I know that is a normal, and very common reaction, it is one that keeps people alive and allows them to separate enough to keep going. So I can try to be thankful my body reacted. I can recognize that response is not my fault, and the fact he took advantage is not my fault.

I can also recognize that I don’t think I deserved this, i know that I did not deserve this to happen to me. I have enough of a sense of self and love for my self that I know I didn’t do anything to deserve the abuse. That is improvement in a form. I used to think the abuse was because I was twerrible and had done something to deserve it in my life. That it was paying for something I had or would do.i know that isn’t true. I know I deserve good and kind things in my life, I deserve the people that are being so full of love and compassion for me right now. The people I have by my side as I walk through this. That is what I deserve and am so grateful I have been given the chance to ave it.


So I will keep walking forward. I will keep healing. I will learn to hold both the life before and after this until I can form them into one. I will learn to heal and breathe again. I will learn to trust and to laugh fully again. I will do so by leaning on the people that are here for me, by seeing my T as often as needed and allowing her to help guide me. As she told me yesterday she will help me through this. “We will get you through this, you will heal. You will be okay  again “ ... I have the strength and wisdom of others to lean on and I will have to practice leaning on that over and over again. The fact I have so early is probably helpful for me in the long run.

This is my truth and where I am now. Slowly I will get out of this.. this too shall pass.

 :thumbup: on wanting to survive this, I mean  :thumbup: on getting back to the stage of wanting to survive.

In your corner cheering you on! Thanks for TW and big space before text. I can't bear to read it rn. Wishing you lots of healing energy and know we're here for you.

Thank you for cheering me on and for not reading the tw stuff out of self care. It s not terribly descriptive but full enough of honest emotion I figured it would be a lot to handle for anyone. I am grateful that helped.  :hug: It means the world to me that you are in my corner and sending lots of healing energy. I feel like I am just trying to absorb as much of that as I can.

It does mean the world you are with me, Blueberry. Honestly without the community of people I have here and in real life I may never have gotten to the wanting to survive part. I am grateful today for so much

I find that I struggle more at this hour of evening. Also, right now any observation is a good one. I am working intensely on self awareness and becoming more present with myself. So lots of journal entries on things I notice.

Some video games are already triggering. My roommate turned one on and it was rather quickly too much for my system. I don't think I can take in a lot of stress, chaos, or loud noise right now. Just feels like being overloaded.

I do also find that I worry about school in the fall, and whether I deserve to go that route. Can I truly say I will be ready? Can I trust my own judgement? I feel like going into clinical work and becoming a therapist is so much built on trusting my own judgement in the moment with clients... can I really trust my judgement now?  Do I deserve other people trusting in it?

I feel like I misread him, or missed something I should have seen. That I chose incorrectly. I feel like because I froze maybe I can't teach people skills to help themselves... how can I help other people heal if I am not even healed enough to keep myself from having this experience again?

Logically I see this self blame and know it is based on a need to have control, and a need to not feel so afraid. It was terrifying and is, but that is such a hard emotion to sit with. It also has a giant root in shame... feeling like I am supposed to be so good at seeing this and protecting myself because I have healed so much and have been through so much. It is really easy to feel shame for not being enough in that moment. For being broken and only a partial self.

I do also have that sense. I don't completely feel like myself. I feel like I am partial and incomplete right now..

Anyways that's enough for tonight...

My dear, I am at a loss for words. I feel your hurt and doubt.

You have survived much, and have a treasury of insight and healing to offer those who will come to you in the future. And they will come to you, in whatever capacity, because your light will draw them.

We need people like you in this world.

These things were not your doing, and although I understand the shame you say you're feeling, I clearly see that it does not belong to you. Your system went into its default survival mode, nothing more. That he took advantage is something he is guilty of - the guilt is not yours. Try to be rid of it, dear. I know it will be hard, but try.  :hug:

Three Roses, thank you for reading and for feeling this with me. Knowing you understand where the doubt and shame I am feeling is truly validating.

I have a lot of dissonance going on right now. I know the symptoms and early processes of trauma because I have been there so many times before. I have dealt with an experienced the shame, self blame, guilt, doubt etc... I have also read so many books, and helped others through this spot. So logically I understand the ins and outs. I understand the whys and how's....

However, emotionally and physically it is an entirely different beast. It is hard to place that blame where it belongs. It is hard to not doubt my own judgement and abilities. It is hard to feel like myself at all, let alone trust myself.

But I know logically why and where that comes from. There is a lot of confusion in that tbh. Like I've been here before and I should just be able to work through it but I have to go through the process again because my feelings don't match what I know logically will be true.


It means soooo much that you think the world needs people like me. The reminder that my light will draw them in is amazing. It is hard to see my own light right now, I forgot it was there. Thank you for reminding me it exists.

It will be a challenge but I will find the faith I had in myself again.


I promise to try to be rid of the guilt and shame. Thank you for recognizing how hard that will be.  :hug: I think I could reread your response many times over and gain something new from it every time. It truly brings a lot of comfort and reassurance.


Comeplelt diffeerent note. My roommate has become more of a rock the last few days than I think she realizes. I am not terribly physically affectionate with her generally, normally I reserve that for other people. But I have needed a shoulder to lean on very literally since I got home on Tuesday. I have been able to just sit or lay next to her and just lean on her. That small affection is a comfort and a small way of letting someone else hold some of this for a bit. She also offered very kind and encouraging words tonight. Recognizing my fear of not being able to handle going back to Iowa or starting school for trauma work because of this... before I had even voiced it to her. Normally I don't lean on her emotionally unless it is small things but she has been a massive help with this just being present.

I am strong, resilient, and determined.. but I know I can't do this one on just my own strength. I need some from the people that care for me. The last few days have been a huge test of my ability to lean into those supports. I am so grateful to have them. I am in awe of the reminders of my worth and capabilities.l. Even more in awe that not one person has questioned my truth or questioned my ability to keep moving forward on the path I was on. Not sure how I got so lucky to have so many people in my corner that believe in me so fully even after this.

 :hug:

o honey,

may i address your fears and doubts about becoming a therapist here?  el, a therapist is not a perfect human being who knows all the answers, who has all her own crapola together, and who will never make mistakes.  rather, a t is someone who has the best interests of the client at heart, will listen for the individuality being presented, and will find ways to reach the client by keeping an open mind and a willingness to find a way. 

i was a therapist without emotions, compassion, or empathy, yet i connected with adolescents and helped a great many learn that all adults are not the enemy and that they can be their own best friends.  that's what was important for them to know.  without all that i was lacking, i was able to have that therapeutic distance i needed, as there were some rough stories out there.  but, despite my deficits, somehow i knew what they needed, and gave them that openly and warmly.

because of your past experience, and your newfound knowledge re: this recent event, you have learned how some of these dynamics work, even to those of us who have experienced them before.  as horrible as this experience has been for you, you will be able to incorporate it into your therapeutic arena and it will make you better able to work with clients who have had a similar experience.

having cues and clues readily available to understand is not always reality, as you've found out last weekend.  these people are experts at setting their victims up.  this is something you will know and understand when you have a client before you who is expressing the same self-doubts, the same blame, shame, and guilt that you're feeling.  all of this, my dearest el, is what will go toward making you a dynamic, exceptional therapist.

my opinions only, of course, but i believe them of you with all my heart.  the progress you have made in overcoming your demons of the past while making such positive, worthwhile plans for your future, even with setbacks such as this, speaks worlds of the greatness within you.  your light may be dimmed for a second, but it refuses to go out.  it is shining on your path as well as it shines out to the world to make it easier for others to find their way.  you are amazing.  much love, always.

San, my dear sister, of course you can address those fears here. I always welcome your insights in my journal.  :hug:

What you shared gives me hope. It reminds me that even my current t, who I think is beyond amazing, isn't perfect. Especially in group but in my own individual sessions she is honest about not being perfect. A few weeks ago I went to her worried because I wasn't being great at self care or really being able to do the things I needed to in order to get my anxiety to go down. I worried that if I couldn't help myself how could I help others? This new event really exacerbates it. Then she told me that I didn't need to be perfect, that most therapists and humans in general could not help themselves like they could others, she shared that she could help her clients with somethingnand still struggle to enact it in her own life. That it was okay.  Between her and your words here I can start to be kinder to myself about this one.

I was glad to use my old experiences and healing to help others, that understanding was something I truly believed was valuable andnwould help me help others. I even wrote it in personal statements and many journal entries here. You're right, this new experience will add to that dynamic as well. I will have one more thing to draw on when a client comes to me. One more thing I will truly understand.

Yeah, having cues is really difficult. I just wish I had. I wish I had managed to be safe and to not get hurt. I wish a lot of things and accepting that I couldn't have done anything differently is difficult. It releases any control I had or could have had on the situation. It means this is possible in the future.. it means I was still in a form helpless.. that no amount of healing will stop that from being true if I end up in this position again in my life.

Thank you for seeing so much in me. For seeing my light even when I am struggling to see it. I needed all of those reminders and will probably continue to need them as I process.

Lots of love  :hug:

My heart is breaking for you and what you just endured. You are not to blame, at all. I know that you know that in your head, but I will say it again, ALL the blame is on Him, you are innocent. If I knew you in person, I would hold you and remind you that you are a precious woman. "I know I deserve good and kind things in my life, I deserve the people that are being so full of love and compassion for me right now. The people I have by my side as I walk through this. That is what I deserve and am so grateful I have been given the chance to have it. " You are right, you deserve love and compassion.

I really appreciate hearing (reading those words). It helps to continue to remind myself I didn't do anything wrong and didn't deserve it. It is hard to keep that in mind sometimes. Thank you for particularly noting I am a precious woman, and would be worth holding. That would be such a comfort.  :hug:

my dear el,

that idea that we don't have control over everything, can't see everything coming no matter how hard we look can be daunting.  that's for sure.  unfortunately, life is like that.  we do the best we can, learn what we're able to learn, and trust that we'll make the best decision for ourselves at the time. 

i believe you did that, made the best decision with the information you had.  that something bad happened, and i'm just echoing everyone else, is not on you.  not at all.  and it doesn't take away anything that you've built for yourself within yourself during your recovery.  your hard work is not for naught. 

we all can only do what we can to keep ourselves safe.  you will continue to do that, and your strength and determination will see you through.  you are precious but not weak.  your warrior spirit is there as always.  it's what helped you survive.

keep taking care of you.  love and hugs, always.

San,

I appreciate you echoing everything here. The reminder that it is not me who is at fault is so valuable. Rereading things here has helped. I do think all of this kindness and support will and has truly helped me start to heal.

I would like to think I did everything right, and continue to do so. I have to keep reminding myself of it though.

My warrior spirit feels a little more present each day. I am more in touch with the strong fighter part of me. Also the vulnerable, precious part of me that is not needing to hide as much now.

Slow movement, but all forward motion atm.

i believe you did do everything right, and that you are continuing to do so.  i'm glad you're thinking it, too.  the self-doubt that gets produced from such horrid actions can be nearly as devastating, in some ways, as the actual behavior.  those people who make us question ourselves in a neg. way are never ok people. 

one foot in front of the other, honey.  step by step - you're doing it.  we'll stay by your side.  love you so.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you dear. I am stronger today, I feel like I am a little more each day. Maybe not that I am actually stronger, because that strength is always there, but that I am more on my feet and better able to realize my own strength.

I had two flashbacks in the span of four hours last night and I felt pretty well knocked out. But with sleep and self care I turned them around. Today is day seven. It will have been a week. I am still here, I am still okay, and I am still moving. That I think is resilience and determination showing through.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I more fully enter back into my life. I am nervous but also glad to get to do that. I also have a therapy session tomorrow night, so I will do my second set of processing but from a much more stable position. It will be hard but I can be brave, and my T has shown her ability to walk with me through this.

I have done some cleaning today, and started to resettle truly here. I have also started looking at fitness classes and such. I know it would not have truly made a difference but some part of me wants to be more physically strong.... maybe not the best motivation but I could turn to worse things after this. I would also like to do the color run here in May, which I could manage as is now, but would do really well to actually work for it some.

I have also broken out my flute and looked at getting a keyboard. My coping mechanisms have been creative and physical. Also some video games but overall I think decently healthy. I am not drinking, harming, shutting down etc.

I am also determined to go forward with my education. This can be part of my "why" as much as the more distant past was. I will do the work on it, I will find s new therapist when I move and will continue to do the trauma work. It will create an anchor in that difficult time and allow me to continue working on this while in school. The fact I was retraumatized to this extent does not change my compassion, drive, and heart for this community. It does not change my innate personality that is so deeply a healer. It doesn't change all the faith I had in myself a week and a half ago, I just need to find that faith again. It is there, just a bit buried by hurt and doubt.

My heart has always been stronger than the abuse I have gone through, it is stronger than this one too. Back then I didn't have the tools or support and my heart still came out, now I have tools and mounds of support and love... I am stronger for the strength of others that help support me, so of course my heart will make it through this, one step at a time. I will continue to be brave and full of love. He doesn't get to cause me to be scared and bitter, not forever. I get to choose, much like I have spent the last two years choosing for myself a life that I adore.. I get to choose in the aftermath of this too. I choose strength, resilience, and love. I choose to fight and stand for myself (with the help of others that will help me stand until I'm able)

I'll be okay, one day. For now, I will be stronger every day and do what I can to move forward even a centimeter each day.

My hope is coming back I guess, I think that is what this boils down to

May you thrive as you continue moving to the new life your strong heart is building. I could almost hear soaring flute music as a backdrop to accent all of the good prospects as you continue creating the richer life you so fully deserve to have.  :hug:

when you said 'he doesn't cause me to be scared and bitter, not forever', it so rang thru me.  it feels like you put into words what i've just been doing to exorcise my ex and the terribly neg. feelings i was carrying around.  thank you for saying that.  it helped solidify my own struggle with this.

your resilience is definitely showing itself, as much as your strength.  your heart, well it's a healing heart, one of the best kinds, to my mind.  your spirit to overcome has also been with you since you were so very young.  you're the whole package, darling el. 

and, now getting your flute out, returning to the music that has played such an important part in your life - i'm so jazzed for you!  i was wondering what happened to it.  so very glad it's still with you.  just taking a break for a bit, i guess.

love you to bits.   :hug:

San, I am glad that I could help solidify that in your own healing  :hug: I am always grateful that you see my strength, heart, and spirit. I can't put to words how much that means today.

As far as my music, I still have a very bittersweet relationship with it. There are still wounds there that have not yet fully been healed, I am not sure what they are but I know it is why I struggle with it. Music was always a way to handle my reality when I was younger, it was better than any words I ever had.. It was some way to feel connected to something bigger than me, but to also express the feelings and pain I had which were so individual to my experience. It was also something that took me out of the survival mode and out of the abuse I was going through. So my reaction to this abuse and this tragic thing was to tap into that again. It has been healing for me, and just a source of okayness in the dark. Not sure it will stick, or if using it as a coping mechanism is healthy but it is what has happened.


Work is really hard today. I have been just anxiety ridden and on edge all day. I am almost to my lunch break which is the half way point to my day. I am hopeful a break away from the office will help me calm down. Nothing bad has happened in the office, if anythign quite the opposite. People are glad to see me, and giving me the space I need. One of my favorite coworkers has allowed me to hide in his office a few times when my anxiety has gotten too much. I will eventually settle down. Hopeful that tomorrow will be better. I am not sure why the anxiety.. will need to explore that at some point/

you've gone thru so much this past week, sweetie.  your anxiety may just be a reaction to that.  do what you need to do, you'll get thru the day.

i know your music has served a survival purpose for you in the past, and i know that when you picked up your flute again last year it was confusing for you because it had served that purpose so well for you, and it was difficult for you to just pick it up as something to do for pleasure.  if it's a coping mechanism at this time, so be it.  it's there for you.  in time you may be able to decide that it serves different purposes for you at different times in your life.

you're recovering from another traumatic experience.  i don't think you need to question yourself too much.  just do what feels best as you regain your 'self' once more.  it's all good.  love you my dear.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

I have been. This week feels like it has been longer than any one I remember.  :fallingbricks:  It has felt like time almost stopped for me, I could see the rest of the world whirling around but felt like I had paused. Like I was in a bubble and it still kind of feels like that. Maybe some of the anxiety is from that. Stepping back into the craziness and having to go at the pace the rest of the world is at... I feel slower and less able to do that than I would like. It is difficult to jump back in, and there is no real buffer for it here. This will be a very difficult transition  I think.... I will keep doing what I need to in order to get through.

It is reassuring to hear that it is okay to use music how I am for now. Maybe one day it will serve a different purpose.

Yeah.. it is so hard to work through another of these. Healing from something freshly wounded feels leagues different than healing from old wounds. It is the same stuff but it is different and unique. I am trying not to judge or question my feelings/actions/coping mechanisms etc... Easier said than done for sure, but I am just trying to listen to what I need and be as true to that as possible. Sadly right now that is not being in my work environment but I cannot help that particular thing. I am leaving for lunch to get Subway (specifically decided that this morning knowing I would likely need a bit of time away from the office). I hate that  I am having to push my anxiety and okayness to this much of an edge today but it is something I have to be doing unless I truly cant..

lots of love  :hug: :hug: Thank you for being here

So I feel accomplished and rightfully tired today. I did do a full 8 hours of work today, which was difficult but I think I have a better idea of what I will need in order to make that easier for myself tomorrow. It will be a learning curve but I am determined.

I went to therapy tonight. My regular hour session turned into a two hour session, which is essentially a mini intensive. I feel like it has done soooo much for me already. It is helping me be really tired of course but well worth it. I got to tell the whole story in a form of emdr working to find any specific pictures or triggers that I needed to do more traditional emdr and some somatic on. As my T said that night and reiterated today "we will process the * out of this". She wants as much as I do to make sure I go to Iowa feeling powerful and ready. So if I do ever see him and am for sure in the same spaces I was in that day that I have a reaction unlike what I would feel now.

After tonight I feel like I will be able to hold and process in the intensives. I have never done one but it feels like it will help to do one or two before I move in May. I have the option to see her this weekend but I will see how I do over the next few days with this much processing.

I did also do day one of my workout today. Feeling like getting active will help my body start to process the trauma. The endorphins and good chemicals that come from exercising will also likely help my energy and ability to hold all of this. I do also believe that part of me wants to be stronger just in case and honestly that is okay.

Moving forward is tiring but I feel like I am doing it. Biggest compliment my T could give me tonight was "Keep doing whatever you're doing, it is working" . Not really sure what I was doing except reaching out when I needed, not pushing myself too far, and listening to my needs. All kind of second nature in this moment I guess. It does show tons of progress, how I am handling this I mean.

Speaking of listening to my body, I am off for the night. Sleep is necessary to finish the processing of emdr and to just refuel me for all to come

Feeling tired and forgetful today but more myself and positive nonetheless. Work is more settled today, I think getting one full day in and getting the initial fears out of the way really helped. My session last night also probably served to help me a ton.

We first did some resourcing on the moment I realized that the incident was over. Which happened to be hours later at my friends house sitting on her couch when I finally fell apart. I finally allowed myself to cry and to let go for a minute because I was finally not moving, and I was finally somewhere that was safe for me. I still can not fully tap into that because my body and mind still won't fully let myself let that guard down. I am not pressuring it to happen, just working on it little by little as it becomes safer for me to do.

Then I decided to do the "harder" of the two options for emdr processing. I got to tell the story, from the first time I met him to the moment I was sitting on my friends couch finally safe. Getting to say the words, and to validate my experience while doing the bilateral movement was super important. I got validation from my T that there were truly no red flags early on, I had no way to know that anything was going to go awry. It was also kind of nice to have an open discussion about sexuality and such. We did process but we also talked and let me think through things which was really good. Either way, having that experience validated was super valuable. It helps me recognize there is no blame on me, just reassuring as it is the first time I have told it all the way through and it was reacted to well. It was received as is without question. It also is not as potent as it was because I could tell it without too much heightening, still difficult but I was able to get through it with as much detail as I felt was important for me to tell it in.

A year ago I would not have manage to do this last year. Would not be able to cope the same and tap into everything that I have built to heal. I have truly progressed, which is a silver lining that my T found in all of this. We can see just how far I have come because I didn't go into intense shame, isolation, or overworking myself. Instead I reached out for help, listened to my body, and chose to rest. I am choosing to process and not to ignore. A year ago this would have broken me, now it is painful but it is something I will heal from and be okay eventually.

She also pointed out that it is better that I don't try to stress out about healing on a timeline here. That we will process the heck out of this and it will be okay. She is as determined as I am to make sure I go to Iowa on top of my game and ready for the new adventure. I am so grateful to have a T that is truly in my corner and invested in my healing and well being. So I am working to let go of the timeline stress, recognizing how okay I am now and having faith that I will be where I need to be in May and then again in August. I am strong, resilient, determined, and have so many people behind me. I will be okay when I need to.

 

I feel like I have come here a lot recently.  That is, I think, understandable on some level. I have a lot of pieces that are processing and working themselves out. Each day I feel a bit better and a bit different. Today I am still pretty exhausted like yesterday. I think some from my EMDR session on Monday still, from working fully again, and then from my body finally starting to release everything it has been holding onto. It is a pretty exhausting trifecta but still manageable. I am grateful for the tired because it means I am starting to feel safe and to let go, if I was still super awake and such I would still be holding on the the energy of panic and survival.

I don't have as many memories and intrusive thoughts at this point which feels so much better. I am still having to self care and be aware of how much I do in one day but not as much as before. I feel like I am recovering and entering some sort of okayness.

I do have one moment that kept coming back to me last night which is kind of why I write. There was a moment when I felt stuck, when he was then mad that he didn't get off a second time. I didn't mention this in my session when I was telling the story. For whatever reason it did not stick out or feel important in that retelling but it felt important last night. It still feels important today. Not like major but something that has occupied my thoughts now that the initial  images and shock have really worn off. I am not really sure why that particular moment stands out.

I am less in self-blame land right now. Although I do find myself questioning if it was truly bad enough. I know that thought process won't do me much good but I also know I need to recognize it and not shame it. It scared me and felt awful, so that is enough. Even if it is in the grey area and doesn't have a clear label it is enough. If my mind and body felt so hurt by it then it is enough to matter, enough to be processing, and certainly enough to be valid. I need to read and write that over and over again. That trauma was enough. I feel like because I have experienced so much else in my life that it is easy to minimize and question this trauma. It is by definition less awful than anything I experienced as a kid. It was less violent, less horrific simply because of age, and it had a grey area. AS a kid there was no grey area, and everything was much bigger/scarier. That makes it easy to minimize and question it. So I need to remember that the trauma is enough. Comparing and minimizing is toxic, and I would never question someone else's trauma or feelings towards something like this.

it is definitely enough, dearest el, more than enough.  no shame or blame belongs to you, but what you experienced was horrible, and no one deserves to be treated like that.

unfortunately, i've been thru that experience where he got mad cuz he couldn't finish.  how pathetic - i was being blamed.  he was drunk.  we were married, even.  yeah, that right there is traumatic enough to warrant what you're going thru.  thank you, god, for the great t you have, and also for the magnificent spirit and strength you carry with you. 

i totally know that minimizing game, too.  this deserves to be recognized for its full power.  your warrior spirit is to the fore, getting you thru work, processing, and those repeated messages that this is enough, that you're not to blame, that he was wrong all the way.  bleccch, ptoooey! 

love you all the way, right by your side while you go thru this.   :bighug:

San, thank you for sharing. I am sorry to hear that you went through that but it does give me perspective. I realized I would not have in any instance said to you that wasn't enough. So surely mine is enough too. There is just this grey area I battle with. I did sleep with this man once (I know men not normally my thing but on occasion). Anyways, I did sleep with him once that night. It was mediocre but it was safe and non-abusive. I even instigated the second round, which is what turned abusive. That is what turned into trauma so I worry I didn't do enough to express that I needed him to stop. I worry that the grey area invalidates all of this pain. But I keep reminding myself it hurt and felt abusive, that you, my t, and a close friend have all told me that I did enough and it is his fault. So I will keep trying to remind myself of that.

My warrior spirit is working so hard lately. Keeping me going through this. I have had to adult all over the place today. Making arrangements for payments to be moved because I was out of work for a week, and looking at things with UNI that need done. I need to make a phone call but I think that is a task for tomorrow or later tonight. I deserve to rest a little. Well that is where yoga comes in I hope. I am worried it may be too much but I won't know until I try. I also know that my instructor is a safe very caring person so even if it is too much I will have space to get better.

Love you lots, grateful you are always here :bighug:

just because you instigated the second round has no bearing on being abused.  the info you had was that it was safe.  period.  that's all we can go on.  i don't see any grey here. 

i didn't tell my hub to stop, just went thru it with tears running down my face.  is that a grey area?  it doesn't feel like it to me.  yours doesn't feel grey to me, either.  the abuse happened.  how were you to know he'd change from one time to another?  i didn't know i could say 'stop'.  none of that negates the abuse, that it was abuse, and that you (or i) didn't deserve it.  like you said, it hurt and felt abusive because it was abuse.  there's nothing grey about that.

we won't get it right all the time, sweetie, but no matter what, we don't deserve to be hurt, whether it's phys., emot., sexual, whatever.  never, under any circumstances.  that is never on us, always on the abuser, and in this area, i believe black and white is relevant.  i mean, we could go all the way to the root, which is that we're human.  that could automatically make a grey area out of anything.

but, i don't believe humans ever deserve to be abused.  we are what we are, no excuses, but we always have choices.  people can choose not to be abusive.  when they make another choice, it's always on them.

you have chosen to keep love in your life, and a light in your soul.  that's on you.  you are beautiful.  much love, always.

Thank you dear. I don't have the words right now to reply as much as I want to. Know I read it and am absorbing all of that, it struck an emotional cord in me and that will take a bit of time.

You didn't deserve that at all. Certainly not negated by a lack of saying no. Sending safe hugs if you want/need them  :hug:

thanks, my dear.  i always welcome your hugs - i know that they are forever safe. 

I am glad you know they always are :bighug:

Sorry, I never came back and replied more to what you said. I intended to but life is crazy and I forgot to come back and write my thought here. I had lots of thoughts although again this morning they are not there. It has been a long 24 hours tbh.  :fallingbricks:

I am going to try to put her kind of what I am feeling. Harder said than done recently since I do feel so much, but still have moments of numbness. It is a truly odd and exhausting dynamic.

Currently I feel like I am having to hold onto like three or four different versions of myself and that I am not doing any of them fully. Before this new trauma I felt balanced and like I could play the different roles I needed to without feeling too separated. Now though it is like because of one more stressor my balance is completely shot. I am having to use all the strength and resilience I have to keep holding everything.

One of these versions is of course the me that is healing from new trauma. It is my challenge right now to cope with trauma without resorting to any of the coping mechanisms that allowed me to survive as a kid. I have to cope with similar trauma without those strategies because I cannot risk have to repair those again. I am having to relearn how to exist in that way. It is a huge challenge and is forcing reality to be smacking me upside the head pretty regularly.

There is of course the part of me that was healing before, that deals with the old trauma that is coming up because of the new one. Trying to manage what I was healing and processing with the new wave of other stuff coming up.

Then of course me who works multiple jobs, volunteers regularly, and has people that depend on her to be present in life. This is the me that I feel like I am at the most. I don't feel like I can hold this as well right now. It is a lot of pressure in a fast pace environment that is still difficult for me to function in at this moment. I am managing but just barely

Last is the grad student in me. The one that has to plan a move in just over two months, who has to make sure all of the financial aid and paper work is in. I have to ensure that I have a job lined up for the summer months at very least and a place to live. Then to also have the money to make that move without completely ruining any stability I have.


Then I realize that school and moving is coming up so quickly. I am still processing a trauma that makes me worried I will never be okay to actually live in Iowa.. makes me think about going elsewhere but I don't then have time to change that plan so drastically. But I worry that I will move and realize that I am not okay in that space and have to wait it out a year. I hope and don't believe that will be the case but some small bit of my mind worries.

I need to be resting, to process, and to work just enough to pay for things right now. I missed work yesterday because I over did everything earlier in the week. Then did yoga and got overwhelmed because my body started to release the trauma and it was too much for me to feel at once with everything else I am balancing.

It has always been hard to hold both my life and my healing at the same time, but now I feel like I am having to hold so much more. It is stressful and exhausting but I am trying. Some days I do well, and others are truly difficult. The up and down is hard to predict and just really tiring..

I will be okay one day but I would like to be more level soon.

"It has always been hard to hold both my life and my healing at the same time, but now I feel like I am having to hold so much more. It is stressful and exhausting but I am trying. Some days I do well, and others are truly difficult."

Everything you said makes perfect sense to me.

Just wanted you to know that I've been thinking of you this week and sending caring thoughts your way.

Thank you, Notalone. I really appreciate you thinking about me and validating what I wrote.

Last night's emdr session was really productive but also deeply painful. I am finally starting to truly move out of being stuck and frozen which is great. I am moving more both literally and emotionally. That does mean I am starting to feel way more and that comes with a lot to process and look at. I am still pretty on autopilot during the day, but as my t pointed out it has only been two weeks and that is truly to be expected. That I am doing so much better than I could be right now and that is just a show of how much healing I have done and how truly resilient I am.

I started making connections to past emotions finally. Now that I can emotionally sit with some of this and don't always feel like I am in danger I can start to do that part of my processing. Last night that meant finding some very deep rooted pain. I remembered some old feelings and fears that are now coming back a little.

When I was younger, really up until about 2 years ago, there were so many toxic people in my life. I had been surrounded by abuse and toxicity since before I was born. Most of my caretakers were toxic, abusive, or neglectful. Family friends and even some of my own friends were abusive, manipulative and toxic. Teachers and authority figures often enabled because they saw something wrong and did nothing about it. I was sexually abused as early as 2 years old (from what I can tell) until I was 13.. then with incidents from significant others in my teens and to the most recent one from two weeks ago. There was so much emotional and physical abuse or neglect to go with that for so much of my life. Then throw in some enablers. trafficking, and narcissists and you have my life.

So of course at a young age I decided it was my fault. I concluded that because everyone in my life seemed to be hurting me and they didn't seem to hurt anyone else that I was the reason. I thought that there was something wrong with me, and that some part of my being deserved this. I didn't know what it was but knew that I was inherently bad. As I grew older it shaped more into thinking that I was strong enough to hold it and take it so the burden was mine. That I was saving others (anyone familiar with my story knows I did a lot to protect people), so by taking the abuse I was helping. It was because I was strong and could hold it that I was going through it. I was a replacement for other people taking it. Which maybe better than being inherently bad still was blaming myself and believing in some way I was built for all the abuse.

That of course is one of the most painful things I know how to feel, especially now that it is kind of attached to present day trauma. I spent years working to ensure no one could ever make me feel that way again. I spent so long learning to know my worth and my value in this world. I fought for every ounce of that I gained. I fought to realize how worth it I was, and worked to show myself that I could have something other than abuse and toxicity in my life. I built a life full of good and kind people. I built strong relationships and things I am proud have never been toxic to me. I built a sense of self. None of that goes away but now there are those past feelings and fears again. I was so afraid I would never fully escape that world.. and for a while I thought I had. So this incident brings back those fears.

There is an inner child me who kept saying "It was my fault, I was always bad".. for me that is heartbreaking. There is so much pain in those words and the fears that come with it. I was so convinced that I was worthless and bad. I worked for perfection because of it. I spent my life getting straight A's, being overly involved, and excelling at everything I did.. all so that I could find some worth in the world. So maybe I wouldn't get hurt anymore. That breaks my heart more than I can ever being to explain. So sitting in that pain in emdr was vastly difficult. I am not truly sure how to describe and sit with it still. Matter of fact I need a break from writing about it. I will come back, just little bits of this at a time

 :hug: Just wanted to send you a hug. I can relate to a great deal of what you said, so much so that I got pretty foggy (in my head) toward the end of your post. If I knew you in person, I would give you a warm blanket, a cup of tea, whatever would bring your hurting heart some comfort.

Notalone, thank you for taking the time to read all of that. I hope the fog you got from it has cleared. A blanket and a cup of tea are two of my favorite comfort things in the whole wide world, the sentiment is soooooo appreciated  :hug: :hug: :hug:

I am a little more stable today, last night was just difficult. I really got in my head and into my hurts and fears. It comes in waves. Always shows up quickly but I feel like it lingers when it decides to leave. I had some really bad serial killer nightmares last night. It was the first time in a while that I have had one that bad. It was really graphic and scary. Lots of finding buried bodies and dealing with a serial killer that was hiding it on his farm that was beautiful and thriving because of all the hurt of and death of these people. Not really sure what stemmed that nightmare but goodness it was big.

I am also going to put this fear here and be honest about it. I have been open only very little about this fear. I have voiced it to my roommate and one friend, but have not written it here or anywhere else I am normally so open. I am worried that after the incident two weeks ago that I could have gotten pregnant. I don't think so, but it is possible and until I know for sure I have this underlying anxiety that will not go away. Yesterday that really spiked and caused me a giant amount of panic. I hate even thinking about it being possible, but I know there is this small chance. Honestly I and my niece both exist because birth control, and contraceptives some how failed. So I think I fear I will have that kind of luck,... It is irrational but no less real to me. Hopefully that fear will be assuaged soon, but waiting is agonizing and I think holding that fear in has made it worse.

I am trying to just let all of the fears melt away today. There is nothing I can do at this point, and know that worrying only serves to keep me in the anxiety and panic that is unhealthy. It is better to let these rest, recognize them but not let them over power me.

I have enough to balance and be processing right now. I do not need to add to it.

I am less afraid today, and holding onto all the emotions more gracefully. Things will be okay no matter what.  :hug:

I have had a crazy busy week but am managing and holding it all. I get to rest tonight thankfully

Elphanigh, I just wanted to tell you that I read what you posted. It sounds like it is so hard with the nightmares and the fear. And so very understandable.
I'm glad it lifted a bit today and you are "holding it all".
:hug:

Anjulie, thank you so much!  :hug: :hug: I am grateful I can hold it all a  bit better today too. Hoping that will continue, but I know it will come in waves.

my dearest el,

hang tough, ok?  i'm glad this stuff is finally coming in waves instead of being full-blown in your face constantly.  i think that's progress.

thanks for sharing your fear about the possibility of pregnancy.  i'm glad you were able to get that out.  let's hope that becomes a non-issue soonest.

it's tragic to me how one horrible incident can unwrap all the care and work we've done for ourselves.  i think the upside is that you do have all that care and work to be able to rely on now, which helps the healing (at least for me) be a bit more efficient.  you've been carrying on with all your daily responsibilities in spite of this recent trauma, and i do believe it's cuz you've built such a strong foundation for yourself.

yeah, that little voice will rise again on occasion, but your adult you is so much stronger now, so much more able to take care of any little you that raises her concerns, doubts, accusations.  you are doing this, and are an inspiration not only for yourself but for the rest of us.  you are amazing.

sending so much support, caring, and love to you, always.    :bighug:  and, of course, ems will always be there to help hold you up during the roughest of times.

Dear San

Thank you for coming here and reading all of that. I am trying to hang tough it is just so difficult sometimes. The last few days have been so difficult. I am finally realizing just how hard this all is on me. I have been really strong and trying to keep up the brave face etc... I choose every day to survive and face this junk head on... That can look easy from the outside.. for me though it is sooo hard. I have not been showing or open about all the affects this is having on me. Normally I am so authentic and open about my journey. Those are my healing super powers I am convinced.. but I have been holding back and putting on face even in places where I know I don't have to. 

I am having regular nightmares when I sleep.... Most of the time I don't sleep enough to hit rem sleep to have nightmares.. I wake up off and on all night, even after staying up later because I can't get sleep.

I haven't felt truly safe since that night. I had the ability to feel safe and cultivate that feeling in myself before all of this, and goodness I miss it. When does that ability and feeling come back?

I do feel like I have to hold back right now. Like I can't share as much as I feel the need to because I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to be "too much"... or to be a handful.. It is a very isolating feeling tbh.. one that I spent a long time getting over before and has come back because I feel less than stable most of the time. So I feel like that is a lot more to handle because I have a lot more to share and more often right now.

The pregnancy fear has me anxious most of the time, which is probably not helping my body. I feel different, and it is hard to explain what I mean by that. They stress could certainly be causing that which could be why my pms symptoms feel off, and why I have not began my period yet. Also new trauma would cause that. But pregnancy also can cause those things, so I am just terrified. I will find out Saturday most likely so we will see.

Then of course just the utter exhaustion that comes with all of this. It will be okay but my goodness... This takes so much strength and energy. It is hard to keep this up. I want to stop sometimes, to just take a giant break for a while. I don't have that choice though. I have to keep moving and going.

It is still hard somedays to stay focused and present. Like I still more easily dissociate in small bits and go on auto pilot where I am not really absorbing anything around me. That is just frustrating in my day to day. Feeling like I am here but not always present. Just one more thing to feel like I have to fight and counteract.

I had more words and have kind of lost them this morning.

I will hold all of this, I just wish I didn't have to. I don't feel like and inspiration to anyone, or really capable of all of this but I am having to be capable. I can't let myself drown in it.

I will try to let EMS help today. I forget her when I need her most it seems. I just.. even sitting at work I just ache today and feel like I can't do all of this. That holding all of this is going to make me burst or crack etc... I am trying but it feels like too much. I will try to see if EMS can help that..  :hug:

my darling el,

i'm just glad you're able to get a bit more out.  i hope that's helping.  ems is definitely with you, will be with you, will stay as long as you need her.  forever, if that's necessary.  not a problem - she's there for all of us all the time.  we just have to think of her and she's there.

i loved being on the porch with you.  i'm thinking it would be a good idea for me again today.  care to join me?  you can have your papasan chair, i'll have a comfy cushy swing - it'll be lovely.  it's spring at the porch, hyacinths, daffodils and snowdrops are blooming.  also some yellow forsythia bushes.  birds are chirping, rounding up their mates for nesting.  the sand is warm, the ocean fresh.  blankets and tea all around.

hoping for good news tomorrow, darlin'.  love you.   :bighug:

My dear,

It is helping to get some more of this out. All of this is really heavy and intense so getting it out can maybe help to lessen that. It will be a process and honestly I just want to sleep right now.

I would love to join you on the porch. That imagery is so beautiful and made me breathe deeper just reading it. I will be there with you, soaking up the spring air and warmth with it.  :hug: :hug:

I hope for good news too. I am nervous but know that I have people there for me no matter what. Love you lots :hug:

The exhaustion is a very real thing today. I have not been sleeping well since, occasionally I will get a decent amount of sleep but it is not truly restful. I think that will come in time when I can let my mind let go a little. Also when my body starts to more strongly let go of this. I am constantly very sore from the stress and trauma so it is hard to get comfortable anywhere, which may be adding to the lack of good sleep.

I work my second job after my first one tonight so maybe that level of physical exhaustion will allow me proper sleep. I took sleep meds last night (which I only do in very rare cases when I am desperate to rest). I ended up groggy and still awake up and down all night. Like they did not actually work well..

Sharing more feelings here. I feel like he took something from me that night. I feel like he took some of my voice and my sense of safety. I tried to say no or to say words that would mean that and they got caught in my throat. I squeaked in relative pain but my words got lost. So I have felt like since that my voice is not as faithful to me. That I don't feel as strong when I use it, and I don't use it as often. Even just in day to day function. Then in my ability to be open and authentic.. I pause and hold back instead of voicing what I need or feel. I believe my words are a burden again, that they make me a handful or too much again. I feel like I can't share either because my words aren't right, or strong enough, or that simply no one wants to hear them. Even thinking that thought and writing it i get background tears that won't fall. I feel like a burden again, I feel broken again, and I feel small again.

I find myself questioning my strength and resilience. I question my worth, my abilities, my own thoughts.

I do also often find myself stuck back under him. There is a moment that stick out where I am in pain and stuck, can't move because I am much smaller than him and am not even present enough to truly do anything about it. It then feels like I am stuck in that moment of abuse, in the toxicity and abuse that my life has been so full of. The intrusive thoughts have been worse than I think I was letting myself believe. I can handle them and not get overwhelmed by them but I think having to redirect is adding to the emotional exhaustion I am feeling.

I also find myself still replaying that night in fragments. Moments that I see differently. I replay moments that if I had done something differently the night would have turned out different. Most the those are moments where I could have chosen to act or say something that would have kept the situation in my control more. I didn't though because honestly I was so uncertain. I am not used to sleeping with men, I have before only a few times out of choice. They are not my normal preference, so I just don't have experience and I paused out of uncertainty instead of acting on some things that would have kept me in the drivers seat for lack of a better phrase. I know those replays are not necessarily helpful, but I find my mind drifting to that without any prompting. It just drifts even if I am working on other things at work. I try to redirect them too, but I don't always recognize them super early as it is easy to just drift and think.

I find myself judging ever bit of fat or roundness on my body. All the places that aren't stronger and more able to escape. Also anything that makes it possible for me to be pregnant, like my body is the enemy here. It wasn't physically strong enough, it was attractive to this guy, and it is capable of having children... so it must be the bad guy right? No, but it is hard to not wish I was stronger or that in my hoodie that morning I had looked less like a woman, or to wish that it wasn't possible for me to have kids so that I would not have to be scared right now. Anything that would have stopped this whole thing.

I also spend time wishing I could talk to my mom. That I could tell her what happened and that I am scared. She is a labor and delivery nurse and knows all of this junk. She has helped people with these decisions and would know about this. It is also just the small part of me that always wanted her mom to save her. I wanted a mom that would save me a take me away from all the pain when I was younger, so of course there is that desire with this pain and abuse. It is the part of me that wishes I could have gone to my M when I was scared or when I was hurting etc...

Then this pain from Monday. That is easier to put away, but I feel it from time to time with different thoughts about it. Mainly I am perplexed that I can't yet cry about it. That two years later I have never cried in my T's office. I trust her so intensely but that has just never happened. I felt the most painful thing I can truly imagine and certainly the most painful thing I have felt in her office and it was like there was a wall. Thinking about that moment I can kind of tap into that feeling and remember what that felt like. The amount of grief and just utter pain and betrayal in there. I was so young when I first felt and decided that it was me that was wrong, and that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to look back and see all of the abuse and mistreatment I went through. I was such a sweet kid, who loved with all her heart and wanted to see the best in everyone. Somehow I never fully broke but seeing all of that.. it hurts. I don't really know how to describe that in words.

It is this just dark blue and gray cloud in my head. I envision it just covering everything and being full of every bit of betrayal and abuse I experienced. It is giant and only seems to grow with time. I find new memories, I rind new definitions and start calling things what they were. I see the toxicity that I had overlooked. I experience new trauma to add to that cloud. New emotions and thoughts about it all kind of swirl in that cloud. Not as words but as like crackling lines all over the place that never stay static for long. Not exactly like lightning but that kind of works for the sort of energy I imagine them having. Some are bigger than others, some faint and others brighter than anything. There there are solid black ones, jagged but unmoving. The whole thing feels like it has energy, and kind of slowly swirls. Not like quickly  or orderly, but this slow not really predictable movement.

I have never tried to describe what it looked like. I have never had words for it, not feeling words anyways. Saying grief and pain do not feel like it gets across what I mean. That imagery, although done on the spot, feels like it is more representative of what I mean to say when I use the words grief and pain. I spent my life surrounded by that cloud, living in the middle of it.

I also realized that my T asked me with this new trauma what the moment was that I knew it was over. I had an answer for her as I have discussed before. With my younger trauma, I do not have that answer. I do not know that there is or ever will be a clear answer. I know it is over but I do feel like I still exist in that cloud sometimes. That it is still too large and maybe I can't see through it enough to feel that it is truly over. So here I am doing the best I can to explain the feelings with images because words don't do enough.

Maybe I need to share that imagery with my T? It might help next time I am working on this stuff which will be Monday.

Feeling in the clear today!!!  :cheer:  :cheer:  :cheer: One less worry today and that feels amazing. Like a bit of this can lift and be okay. I no longer have to fear being pregnant which is fantastic. I think having that anxiety and fear removed is allowing my body and mind to relax. I got to sleep and feel somewhat rested. I feel lighter today than I have in weeks.

On another note I am starting to find more pieces and feelings. I realize I feel like all of this was unfair. I was on cloud nine, getting everything I could wish for. I was getting into school, making moving plans, having interviews, lovingncampus. I was making giant strides in healing and feeling more confident and having faith in myself. Then all of that was knocked from under my feet and I ended up at ground zero in an instant. It took just like two minutes to have me completely knocked over. That is unfair and awful. I know I deserved to have the boundaries and my body language respected.

Then I realize as s kid it was unfair too. The amount of abuse and toxicity in my life has always been unfair to me. I never deserved an ounce of it. I deserved someone to protect me when I needed it backthen. I deserved to get to be s kid with truly loving parents and people that were healthy. I deserved to grow up playing and being fearless. I deserved to be s kid in the fullest meaning of that word.

Life has been terribly unfair to me. This is not a feeling of "why me?" or an attempt to gain pity by sny means. It just is. No one deserves the abuse, me included. I was thrown a lot of awful cards and I had to deal with them. I have and continue to deal with them.

Hey sweetie,
Sorry I was MIA all of February. I've been keeping mostly to myself.  I just saw that you had been struggling. 

Just wanted to let you know that I still care about you and am sending you some love.  Safe  :hug: if it's ok

Hi DB,

I am glad to hear from you! No need to apologize at all  :hug: :hug: I hope you were taking the time you needed for yourself and that you are doing well. It has been quite a difficult three weeks but I am getting there, and am finding that I have so many people in my corner. It helps a lot.

Lots of love and safe hugs  :hug: :hug:

Well you can add me to your corner sweetie. I've always cared about you and will continue to, long after I have left this forum.

I'm not up to posting much lately, so that how much you mean to me  :hug:

I am grateful to have you in my corner. Even when you aren't posting here I know you are always there in spirit, kind of like San is as well. :bighug:


Today I am feeling lighter and stronger still. Less scared and fearful. One step at a time with this junk, right? Will see my T tonight and no doubt hit some big stuff so trying to keep my energy going at work today. I worked a 55 ish hour week last week (in 6 days, so not too bad). I have not done that in a long time but am glad to be able to hold all of this and work to do the moving things that need done.

Glad to hear you are feeling stronger with each passing day. You're so vital to our forum, such a strong and informed voice. Take care, my friend.

Thank you Three Roses! I am trying to just keep moving and keep finding more strength through all of this. It is a challenge for sure. It means sooo much to hear that you think I am so vital to this place, and a "strong and informed voice". That is really kind and I am glad to be any bit of that. I try to be. You all have made my morning. Lots of love  :hug:

💕👍

I changed my profile picture here to kind of match where I am more. I feel more like that picture is me right now. Starting to shine through some of the dark bits of this, and really finding that fighting spirit the last few weeks. It is a less peaceful place to be but one that is helping me find a fire that I need to keep moving and going.

That being said that light is coming back. I am finding some energy, some hope, and even some faith in myself again. It is a hard and exhausting process but I am really getting to a place where I am a bit more okay with the world. I have a lot to tackle but I am finding that it is okay to be where I am. I am finding that I think I will be okay and where I need to be come May. That it is okay to give myself time to do this and tackle all of this. It is a lot to handle and I am holding it with as much grace as I can. That I think is a super power and I need to give myself some credit for doing all that I am right now.

I am also just finding my voice and expression is back. I am starting to roar again. Finding that place where I feel like sharing my story and my thoughts is powerful again. Even just in my day to day I am showing up bigger again, more sure of myself, and more fully the self that I have come to know. I got to talk about my plans for the future with confidence and excitement again. I am functioning at work and enjoying getting to talk to people and show up in the world a more complete version of myself.

Not everyday is like that. I can't always roar but more often I am finding it, even when it is a little quiet.  :cheer:

Wow.  :cheer:

Elphanigh said: "I can't always roar but more often I am finding it..."  :thumbup:

Thanks for sharing these good vibes and where they fit on your journey. It's as if your new roar is finding its way right past the words, right out of the space behind the writing. After so much wondering and wandering, it's so good to see this new horizon still shining through. Wishing you more, but for right now, savour these moments of breakthrough.   :hug:

I am glad to share these moments of breakthrough. It is easier to celebrate and hold onto these if I write them down.  :hug: I am glad that roar is coming right past my words and writing! It is really nice to be seeing the new horizon again.

Thanks for celebrating with me! :hug:

Coming here to celebrate at to talk about my EMDR session last night.

For me when I hit the end of EMDR on a specific memory or image there is always this really powerful shift. Every time I hit that I come away energized and have a lot of great breakthrough realizations. Last night I finished working on an image from the incident in Iowa. One, it is crazy that three weeks later I am able to be doing and finishing EMDR on this (like how the heck?), it is encouraging and I am realizing how majorly huge that is. Two, I did hit that powerful moment of shifting that I am so used to hitting at the end of an EMDR set. This was my second session on this image and my goodness it is freeing. Reminds me that I need to get trained in EMDR as soon as possible when I am in school or right out of it for my own clients.

This break through moment has a few parts. One I see the unfairness in this situation. I can recognize how I didn't deserve it, and never have deserved any of it.

Two, I see strength in younger me. There was this moment of change while I was processing, where I looked at younger me and saw how much I had been through. In that moment I saw the strength and resilience that took to survive. I saw the strength I had, even as a kid. I could see and recognize that I have never been weak or small, because I was always fighting. I was always using my strength to continue to live and grow. I chose to live not in fear, even then. I chose to do music, school, sports, etc.. because I wanted a normal life, I chose to dream and chase those dreams to lead me out of that abusive place. There is so much strength, resilience, and courage in that. I chose to not let the abuse that was happening define my life. I have never looked at younger me a truly seen that. It is a massive shift. I could absorb and believe how amazing it is that I survived all that I did. She has always told me that is was truly a miracle of sorts because so many people don't survive or come out functioning after what I have been through. It was the first time I think I could truly absorb and believe how special that is.

Then I saw the strength and resilience in myself for what it is. I told my T last night that I do refuse to live scared or afraid. I have always refused to live that way no matter what I have been through. I have always chased after the things I wanted and chosen to not let these things define who I am. I refused to hide and run away from life. That is true resilience and courage I think. I see that now. I see that three weeks out from being assaulted again that I am living a full life. I am working, seeing friends, doing self care, I am working towards my goals again and not hiding. I only stayed away from the world for like three or four days. To recoop and get my initial shock to wear away. This could have kept me in that state for months, and does for people sometimes, so the fact I am so okay and already healing is phenomenal.

We also realized I do not fit the diagnosis for Cptsd anymore. Solidly no way that I could be diagnosised with it anymore. that is phenomenal progress in the last two years with her. I know that not having the symptoms for a diagnosis does not mean I do not have doses of it. It also doesn't mean I don't have a place here. I feel like even without that diagnosis this place is a family of sorts for me and that it is still okay to post here and to heal. It is just more a sign of how far I have come.

Even more than that is the fact I may not even meet the criteria for normal Ptsd anymore. We are going to do the reassessments next week (I am due for them anyways). My T does truly believe I won't hit those bench marks anymore, and honestly I think I might not either. It will be close I think but I don't think my symptoms are truly strong enough or affecting my daily life enough anymore to truly hit the diagnosis mark. That puts me in a state of awe. I know my t has told me she thought we would see the day that I did not meet the criteria anymore, but I did not think it would be even possible truly. Let alone at this stage. I guess it does go to show how much healing I have done in the last few years. I have done consistent work and put in so much to heal and feel better. Also again the resilience and strength coming through. 

I think even if I still do meet that criteria it is okay. I have done so much and for that I am proud. I have 8 sessions left with this t ( I am still not prepared for that to end) and will attempt to do so much work while I am there. Need to start looking for a new t in Iowa as well, but will give that a bit more time as I am trying to balance everything else for the moment.

I am feeling empowered and like a fire has truly been lit. All I can really think is how this means it is possible to truly heal. That I will be able to tell my future clients and the survivors I surround myself with that it is truly possible. Hopefully I will be able to help people get to that point. By no means am I done healing, but I can see the healing happening. I see the fruits of all of this hard work. I can have more hope it is possible for others, and possible for me to help lead people through that.



We did also talk about my inability to cry in her office. It was good to touch base about that. It is a lot about the kind of person that I am and some blocks I do have. But nothing that I need to be completely worried with. I was reminded that I am processing so much, I am processing sad and in pain emotions, there just are not tears to them and that is okay. There will be tears when and if I ever need there to be. As long as I am processing and working through these things it is okay.

Feeling good today.

This is such heartening, encouraging news! We can be free....
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Three Roses I am glad it is heartening and encouraging to you too  :hug: I really do think we can be free. I have hope for me and for everyone else today. I will find out for sure next Monday, but either way this is all so encouraging because it does feel freeing. I could have been diagnosed with CPTSD and anxiety/depression before the time I was 10.. 15 years later it is possible that I have healed my way through it enough to no longer fully meet the criteria. It is possible and that gives me so much hope. It is hard to explain what that feels like in this moment.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Hope I didn't overdo it with the cheers, but I feel like jumping up and down for you, clapping and yelling, "Good for you! Yahoo!"

Thank you!  :cheer: :cheer: Not overboard with the cheers at all. I am grateful this can be celebrated here.


So I still feel great today, tired but it is because I stayed up too late last night. I did go on a three mile run last night which was awesome (I did two miles last week, so wanted to see what I was still capable of). It became 2 miles of running and a mile of walking at a good pace but still did it. Hoping I will get that to be stronger and faster as I go. Have been working out a lot more since I got back from Iowa, and that has felt really good. Mostly it has been small things but I find myself happy to up the intensity.

With that all being said I know kind of what I want to work on when I get to my therapy session next week. During my EMDR the idea that my body was always someone elses came up. I remembered my mom force feeding me so I would gain weight, or people being mean because I was anorexic kind of skinny. I remembered the fact I was being sexually abused and hit as long as I can remember. That people have forever told me what I needed to do with my body... or simply told me my body belonged to them in some way or another. That made me hate when I started to get curves and look more like a woman (I have come to be mostly okay with this). I am not by any means curvy, I still have a pretty athletic build but more curvy than  I have ever been.

So I want to work on the idea of processing that lack of bodily autonomy. I want to figure out what voice is really mine in all of the messages. Not really sure how I can tackle that in Therapy but I am sure my t will have an idea. Which may just be EMDR on some of the memories and phrases that I have. I feel like that connects to the current issue but is a much larger underlying thing that I experience.

Like I find myself working out, wanting to be and feel healthier. Again not that I am not, I am just a little softer than I would like. I worry that the voice that is wanting that is not my own. Maybe it is the people that needed me to be thinner... and there is a guilt in being small because I always got shamed for it as a kid so that voice is telling me the opposite. That voice I know is one of my M and a few other people in my early life. I feel like my body is mine but I still feel like there is some confusion and some feelings connected to not having it be mine for so much of my life that might be worth touching on.

Going to put this here. I think I wrote about my D's motorcycle accident two years ago. They found cancer after that wreck and i learned to be grateful for the wreck because it meant they caught the cancer and could then operate on it. Since that operation almost two years ago he has had check ups every three months to ensure a clean bill of health.

Last weekend was supposed to be the big one. If he was clear again it would be a year before they had to test him. However his tests came back concerning and we do not know whether it is back or not but they believe it could be. So they are doing more test and my D has to go in and get several tests done including one that can be pretty invasive.

Now my relationship with my D has never been perfect or super close but I do care and worry about him so much. I had not truly let myself feel anything about the news until the last few days and it is really kind of getting to me. I worry about my D a lot even if I don't necessarily always want to be around my Foo. We lost both of his parents to forms of cancer and I don't want the same for them.


Then I did also find out, earlier than this news, that someone I consider to be an adopted mom for me may have kidney's that are failing. Again lots of tests to determine that. We should know right after my birthday about that one. I am not sure how I would take the bad news to be honest.

On top of that some of my finances have hit the fan. I am working to get them fixed but it is scary and awful. I honestly did think I was in a better place with finances and was catching up. Come to find out I missed a debt when I was making all my arrangements and it may come to bite me big time. I will manage it and face it head on as I must but it is not an easy thing to do.

I also found out that a kid I babysat when I was younger has been jailed on multiple counts of rape and child pornography... Which I know has nothing to do with me at all but it hits an emotional spot in me.

With all of this and having people I don't know particularly well staying in my apartment I got pretty overwhelmed last night. I had some phone calls to make and did them.. but afterwards just kind of hit the emotional tipping point. My roommate saw me truly cry for the first time ever basically last night. I have known here for over four years and this was the first time that I had ever been falling apart enough for that to occur, and the first time I trust her to hold it.

I am holding everything with much more grace today. I just needed to feel and hurt yesterday. That whole having human limits thing is hard. I am still excited about the realization my symptoms are truly so much better, this all just has to be felt as well. I can hold the good and the bad at the same time if I really try.

Those are many difficult, emotional situations to carry.

Hi Elpha,
Having human limits is hard, and I know you are carrying a lot of emotional stuff relating to all these things - sending you a hug  :hug: (if that's ok).
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, I really appreciate it  :hug:

Today's update here will likely be on the longer side. I have a lot of concepts flying around in my head from after my session last night.

I do still meet the criteria for ptsd, but just barely which is great. I can see the improvement and honestly without the symptoms from Iowa the first few weeks of this month that criteria may be entirely different. I will get to see towards the end of May as just a recap of my session with my T before I leave for my new adventure. There is a perfectionist part of me that really wishes I didn't meet the criteria, that would feel more validated if I didn't. The idea of not meeting those criteria before I go to school would be nice but it is not a requirement, nor is it something I thought possible in the first place. I recognize how much better I am and how healthy I am and that is enough, it needs to be. Perfectionism aside, I can recognize how big the leaps I have made truly are and how that is beautiful and will translate well into my future career.

This brings me to needing to decide how to move forward with a therapist. I can decide to not find one immediately if I want to. I can decide to allow myself to rest for a bit and focus on school for a while. I could also find one right away and keep digging at all of this. I am not sure what I want to be honest. It is more in my nature to keep diving and get as healthy and healed as I can while in school, but I recognize I don't have to decide that way. I am well enough that this no longer affects my day to day very much and I could decide to pause for a little while, and live a bit of life. Not that I have't lived life the last few years but I have truly focused on my healing in every aspect of my life and that took over because I wanted that to be my focus. I went inward and chose that to be my focus. I have reaped the benefits of that and will continue to do so over the next couple of months, but then I have a choice to make. I will certainly talk with my current T about this. It is a lot to ponder and I will certainly want her input but this is ultimately my choice to make.

In the case I do choose to find a new one, I need to start looking and find one that will fit. I have gotten truly luck with the one I have and want to ensure that I have a new one that fits in the same ways. I recognize it will be different, but if I get another one I want one that will be as effective for my healing as my current T. I do not need as much as I did when I first started with this T, but I do still have a lot I can learn and heal from. If I decide to not pause and to keep digging I will need a good T to help me balance school with healing. It will be a much different dynamic come the fall and truly even in 8 weeks when I move.





Now my session last night: It took two hours rather than one but was truly productive. I feel sleepy today because of it, but not overwhelmed or overly disconnected. It is progress to see how I am holding it all today tbh.

We did some truly deep work in EMDR and honestly I am still pretty exhausted from it. I went to start back into the processing of last week, just to check on where those levels were. It turned into something much deeper than that, for which I am glad, but it was intense. There was a moment where I started getting flashes of memories and moments in my life. We were working on the phrase "I am powerless", so instead of the particular memory or feelings that I was working on last week coming back up I got new bits.

Essentially what happened is my mind flipped through a ton of memories of abuse and moments that I felt powerless. My T described it as a "highlight reel" for lack of a better phrase, because that is what it felt like. There were so many moments that went through my head, a lifetime of abuse will do that. I had never been able to sit with so much of my abuse before, as I could never tolerate seeing that much of it without it being overwhelming. Normally if I started drifting things would spike too much and I would have to redirect to feel present, normally with my T catching it before I did. Last night though I could finally hold it all. I could let them flip through and recognize them all. It was not an easy thing to experience but it was really healing I think.

The emotional side of this is I sat with just how much I have been through in my life. I saw how much I have survived and endured, and that is painful. I have pushed through more times than is truly possible but I did. My T told me after I said I was not sure how I survived it all that she believed it was truly pure will power at times. That my life force was strong so I has the will power to live through all of it.  We both recognize and have before recognized the fact that what I have been through could have killed me, and has done so to other people. It could have kept me down at very least and I managed to get through it and be relatively okay in the grand scheme of things. I have been through many versions of the worlds worst nightmares and I have lived to tell the stories.

After the flipping of memories ended I was left with 8 core memories. I envision kind of like the core memories from the movie "Inside out". Not that exact concept but those are what was left over after all of the processing of probably several hundred moments in my life.  Each of those moments was a time I didn't believe I would live through. They were moments I felt my most powerless and fearful. All 8 of them occurred by the time I was 14. To realize that there were 8 times in my life, before age 14, that I truly thought I would die is a giant moment. There is no easy way to say or really hold that. I can see the strength it took to survive even when I didn't think I would, and when I didn't believe that I wanted to. Those are the worst of the worst. My life certainly has more than 8 of those moments, and many similar occurrences but it was those I was left with.

Through this process I needed to allow myself to listen to the times I was powerless to change the events. I had to let my guard down enough to get to that point. I was surprised initially that my T was allowing me to flip through and just sit with that sort of process. She explained at the end what it was that happened. When those start to flip through like that it is that I have hit a neuro network and that I am connecting all of those memories and thoughts. In that flipping through I got to process all of those memories without having to truly target each one. When that flipping stops it means those memories have been processed in the same way EMDR processes the memory that was focused on. So looking back on those images there is more peace and less feelings. I have only tested a couple of them out of curiosity because I didn't believe it until I started to do so today. I will probably check a few more of those but I will take my time with that.

So while I felt like we were kind of tempting fate in my very long 2 hour session it was truly probably the most productive EMDR that could have happened. My T told me it was a hard moment to induce and that it does not happen often for people. That she has not ever had that moment in EMDR for herself, but that she has heard and seen other people do that. Confirming that they did truly feel like they processed leagues of information. That for me the flipping took longer because I have a lot of fuel in my life for it.

I have more observations but need to take a break in writing. Everything is okay, but I do just have this emotional drain from it all. So small doses of observations and allow myself to process what I need to over time. Unlike in my session I need to slow it down and process at a much more titrated rate. Allow myself to rest

My mind did some more processing after I wrote that. I think the most powerful thing is that I can choose to pause. I am at a point (especially after 8 more sessions) that I can choose to pause. I have spent several years focusing on healing, digging in deeper and harder than I ever imagined possible. I dove head first into this journey while facing every demon I could find. I put my focus inward and really focused on getting healthy and stable. I focus solely on healing while allowing the rest of my life to stand a little more still. That was a sacrifice I am glad to have made, although it has not always been an easy choice to make. There have been times I questioned why I sacrificed that in my early to mid 20s, but I am glad I did. It was something I needed to do and has allowed me to heal so much more than I imagined possible.

I know that there will forever be healing and processing I could do. That part of being human and having been through what I have been through, is that I could always be healing adn processing. However, maybe I don't have to be. Maybe just maybe it is okay if I am not digging and facing those demons with such intensity. Maybe it is okay to rest from that a let myself live life a little more. Maybe I deserve to allow myself that much freedom. I have done so much healing work and am in a spot where I could choose to pause. I could choose to live life a little more and remain healthy. I wouldn't fall backwards or behind. It would not cause any of this progress to reverse. I am confident actually that it would allow me to keep developing the skills I have and maybe take time to find my energy and focus again. I find that maybe I deserve that rest and that not going intensely at this isn't a failure or me being lazy, maybe it is what I need and deserve in this section of my life.

Goodness knows I could find another therapist and keep digging, but I have done multiple years of that. Maybe I don't have to keep doing that forever?

I have never given this option any thought. I never thought I would have the option if I am completely honest. I always felt like pausing would mean going backwards, that I would never be well enough to sustain a pause in this type of healing. I think I naturally will continue to heal and work through what I need to, especially going to school for what I am. Maybe I will find I want to get a new T and continue during school, but maybe just maybe a small break wouldn't be awful for me. Maybe I deserve to live my life a little bit first. Idk. It is a lot to think on, but it is possible.

Honestly this is a more powerful moment and realization than I know how to explain. Every time I think about it for very long I get teary eyed. It is a very emotional thing to know I have that choice and to think about maybe living my life fully again. More fully than I have ever gotten to live it.

I am finding that the more I think about the possibility of pausing the more I think I am going to take that option. I will work to process the core memories that came up form last weeks session with EMDR before I leave here (maybe taking a weekend session if I need it). Then I will take a bit of a break when I leave for Iowa. I am not sure how long but I will know when I want or need to go back to trauma therapy. It is not as if I don't want to go back, I just don't think I do right now. I think when I leave that I want to focus on that part of my life for a little while and not be expending so much energy on trauma recovery.

I will be studying trauma and ways to help others with their own traumas. I will be surrounded by the mental health field through my graduate studies. I will still be doing my volunteering through the Cptsd Foundation, and maintaining some level of presence here on this forum. It is not as if I am going to neglect that part of me, I will just be working with it in a massively different way.

My T told me last week (after my EMDR session when I was handling just how much I had been through, and wondering why I survived), she said she thought I was on this earth for a reason. That she truly believed I would help so many people and that my life force was so strong because I was meant to be able to do that. She did not say this in a way that it was forcing any beliefs or anything on me. It is simply that she does believe I will do that much good in my life. It is encouraging and full of hope, especially as I do truly want to be as effective for others as she has been for me.

Honestly I admire the way she is able to work, and the sort of career she has had. I do not know how or if to tell her that. I would have made this decision anyways but she is one of several people that do inspire me to go forward with this career and do as much good as I can. I am so lucky to have several people in my life that I admire and look at as someone to strive to be like, she is one of them. I am not sure if that is an okay thing in a therapeutic relationship but that is okay.

Either way, I think I will pause when I leave and at least for the first bit of school allow myself the space to focus on my professional life. I deserve to get to do that and honestly my future clients deserve it. They deserve me focusing on school so I can be truly helpful. I will go back when the time is right but I think the time is right for a pause at the moment. Not a halt, but simply a pause for a little while.

QuoteI am not sure if that is an okay thing in a therapeutic relationship but that is okay.

IMO it's ok to take inspiration from wherever you can.
:cheer:

Thank you Three Roses. I am glad to hear that  :hug:

She inspires me to be the best most caring therapist that I can. I see things she does that I think are things I want to incorporate into my own practice one day. Then I am inspired by people here. Both people that are caring professionals that I have spoken with here, but also by the courage of people that are facing all of this each and day and sharing in this space. The stories both good and bad inspire me to do this, and give me ideas for the future. It makes me more determined.

Then of course the people I have the pleasure to work with at the foundation. People that are working so hard to create resources for survivors of all walks of life and are touching so many hearts in the process. I want to do my own form of that. I see the heart and determination they have, I see how they have allowed me to create a book club and how much that one weekly meeting helps those that are there. Community has been such a piece of my own healing and they have inspired me to be better and to learn how to help people in my own way.

There are many things but I am constantly in awe of those around me and in makes me want to be the best I can. To give people what they need, and even to be what I needed and didn't have.

Sorry quite the ramble but I am inspired as I get closer to starting this career. I get worried I will mess up, but the inspiration and hope runs so much stronger than my worries.

I have lots of things right now so this may be a longer post, we will see.

I found out my Great-grandma in the the ICU and has been for four days. I live closest to her in my FOO but am not the one going to be with her at the moment. Her son (my GF) and his wife (my GM). I am worried for her, and she makes the third person that is having health issues that I care about right now. It is hard to have her in the ICU and unable to do anything about it.

One of my nightmares came back last night. I have not had bad nightmares in a while and hopefully this will not start them back up. However I call this one my slave dream, because in it that is what I can best describe my role as being. I had a string of theses like 4 or 5 months ago and then they stopped. I never described the dream to any and let it just be another bad dream. Last night it was still almost identical from what I remember it being months ago. I am not super sure about what spiked it but I am sure there is something in my recent life.

A friend of mine asked me today, after me telling her a bit of what the nightmare is like, if there was something I felt like I was guilty for trying to break free of. It struck me differently because I had not gotten that from the dream until she said that to me. I look and see where she got it from but it caught me off guard as a question. I do feel guilty for a few things in that respect, but I had not mentioned it to anyone. I knew logically they were things that would pass because I know they are some older voices trying to keep me from breaking free. So I acknowledged them but then set them to the side.

I find I do feel guilty for healing, and feeling better. I feel guilty for thinking about taking a break from trauma therapy when I move in a few months. I realize that there is some part of me that questions it because I know so many people that deserve to have the same healing and sense of freedom that I am beginning to have. I have this old narrative that I am playing out in my head that says that I am glad good is happening to me but someone else deserves it more. I can handle the bad so let someone else have the good. I feel guilty for not having cptsd anymore and for almost not having ptsd anymore as well. For healing so intensely and being able to have the freedom to step away and work on my professional life for a while.

I know logically I deserve all of the good that is going on. I have done the hard work for it and continue to do so. The guilt will pass and is not huge but maybe it is why the nightmare is there.


Then I have started to feel this intense deep pain. It is not anger, resentment, or anxiety. It does not come with flashbacks or panic... it simply just is. I realized so fully that I deserved better growing up. Not just that I did not deserve the cruelty but that I truly deserved better. I was kind and tried to love these people into being kinder to me. I worked to be and give them everything they needed that would save them and m. I was a kind hearted kid who put others above herself because she loved and cared so deeply. I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I experienced cruelty in many places and forms because the people around me wanted to be cruel.. not for any rhyme or reason..  just simply because they wanted to do harm and I was surrounded by adults that were not capable of protecting me at the moment. There is nothing that I could have done to change that. There is also nothing I could have done to deserve that kind of cruelty.

I have seen and experienced how cruel people can be. I have witnessed over and over again how people can be monsters.. but I have always chosen to have faith in people and see as much good as I could. I was so kind and loving, I still am.

That is heavy stuff. It is painful and feels more vulnerable that anything else. So here I am being vulnerable and hopefully going to be vulnerable in my session tonight

I feel changed today, in a way I am not yet sure how to explain. I am going to attempt. There was this giant moment in my session last night that was just a pure release. I was allowing myself to be entirely vulnerable and to just feel in my emdr session. I was processing a memory that has been really stuck for me all my life. It is one that I have tortured and punished myself for since it happened like 19 years ago. I was 6 and now at 25 I am getting to release that torture and punishment. I am getting to release the need to strive to fix that one mistake.. because I can see it wasn't a mistake or a misdoing on my part. I realize I did not do anything wrong. I did what I had to in an impossible situation.

There was an image of my sister's face from that moment that used to be a reminder of the part of me I believed was capable of being a monster.. one that was capable of hurting people in the most horrific ways. I blamed myself and that younger version of me for not choosing better.. That moment was a huge moment in my life. It changed how I saw myself, my sister, and created this mindset that I have lived with since. Letting go of that mindset and realizing how much pain I put myself in because of it is a different sort of pain. There is a sadness and a grief that goes along with knowing I punished myself for years for something that was not truly mine to bear.

I realized so strongly in my session yesterday that I was never like them. Those five words, "I was never like them" make all the difference in the world. I have never even been capable of being like them, and never will be. It is not in my nature as a person. I was never a monster, or even in the slightest capable of being one.

All my life, I have been expecting younger me to have been able to choose self sacrifice in that moment. I have expected her to be able to do what not even all adults could do in that situation.. I have tortured myself with the image because I thought I was a monster because I did not choose differently in that moment. I expected my 6 year old self to be able to save my sister, and to suffer consequences far greater at the hands of my abuser because of it. I expected myself to be able to fight the fear for my life at that age and to choose not to lsiten to instructions..

It broke my heart to hear little me say again and again " I am sorry, she told me too.. I was scared".. There is no way in the world I could see that part of me as a monster or anything like my abusers... She was so concerned for her sister.. and so concerned that it made her like her abusers that she did not even care for her own well being.. just that of others.

That moment in my life I decided to never cause anyone that kind of pain again, and that I would make up for what I had done. I strove to protect everyone and never let that happen again. I believed I had to make up for what I had done. It changed the entirety of how I viewed myself and my role in all of this.

Letting go of that need is  hard to describe. That blame was never mine to hold. I did all I could with what I had. my sister quickly forgave me in that moment, but I was never able to forgive myself. 19 years later I think I finally do.

I am so sorry to the younger part of me, and to myself for putting myself through that torture and punishment for something I didn't need to.

Ooof, getting teary eyed, will need to come back to this.  :'( :hug:

Just sending you a gentle and safe hug, if that's ok Elpha  :hug:  Sounds like a big realisation - and be kind to yourself.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: :hug: It is a large realization but a really good one. It will just take some emotional processing to work through it fully I think. It affects a lot of things, and still does just make me emotional.

Just coming here to put more thoughts to words. There are I think a million different feelings attached to this. It is in one aspect very freeing. I feel lighter as I am not carrying the weight of the guilt/shame/ blame that I had been. I don't feel like I have to be making up for something I did wrong. I didn't realize how fully I had truly been punishing myself for that moment.

This memory is a tough one *Trigger warning SA mention*
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I was six when this happened. One of my abuses we can call her L for this purpose today. L had already been sexually abusive to me, I was singled out from my siblings by her as she was our babysitter and I was the "favorite" because I was the oldest. She was always kind to me before and after but was scary in those moments and there were a lot of different manipulation tactics (as I type this I realize I am still kind of justifying how I fell for it, but I need not do that)

In this instance she had just gotten done sexually abusing me. She told me I needed to go get my sister, which I hesitated to do and promptly got scolded for that. So I did what she asked and went and got her. I was told to repeat what she had just done to me on my sister... that if I messed up I would be in trouble and that it would hurt my sister if I didn't do it right. Saying she would be really angry if she had to do it for me.

So I did what I was asked in that moment. I remember trying to get my sister to close her eyes and getting scolded for that. So instead I was left with the image of the face my 4 year old sister made in that moment. I remember such confusion and hurt run across that face and her giant brown eyes just staring at me.

*end TW*


In that moment, or the ones that followed, I found that I thought I was like my abusers. I saw the pain in my sister's face and tortured myself with it until last night basically. What I neglected to put stock into is that I immediately went to my sister when I was allowed and made sure she was safe. I checked on her and connected with her by playing her favorite game. I remember telling her it was okay and that I was here and that it would never happen again. Then just went with her and played together. I did the best thing anyone could have in that moment and probably saved a lot of pain for her down the road.

My sister forgave me right then. with no questions or conditions. I had and still have a good relationship with her so obviously there was no grudge held. She forgave me but I never allowed myself even a small break for it. I never forgave myself. I loved her so much and still do.


Honestly this free feeling from that mindset also comes with a great deal of heartbreak. I feel so deeply the pain the both of us were in. My heart breaks for the girl that was put in that impossible situation.. the girl that figured it was her that was the monster because that was how she could survive. My hear breaks for the little girl that is even in this moment still apologizing for what she thought was her fault. My heart breaks for all the moments I know I berated myself for not being kinder, or better.. all the times I thought that I was going to become the monster I thought I was in that moment.

I used to have nightmares about that becoming true. I would try to stay awake after I had one and not sleep as long as I could for the days following because they were worse than any horror that was being done to me in my waking hours.

I see my younger self and can see her good heart... Mine breaks for her in this moment.  I just want to draw her in and let her know that no bit of her deserved that.. and that she was hurt too in that moment and that it was scary. I want to hug her so tight she knows that she is loved and was never to blame.

So my heart breaks.. as much as it feels light, it also feels that pain. Holding both of those simultaneously is an interesting dichotomy.

I was never like them, bring such relief but also so pain and understanding.


I know that moment drove me to protect others and gave me more of a purpose. I could have shut down and have been destroyed by all that I endured, but I didn't shut down. I chose to do what I could to save others.. I chose to survive the horrors of my childhood and to use that to go into helping others. I get to choose this because it is what I want now. I am not choosing because I think I have to make up for anything. I am choosing it because I love and care deeply for others. I am a healer by nature and that can be such a strength.  :hug:

Anyways lots of things and there will likely be more, but for now that is what I have got

I read some of what you wrote here Elpha, I just skim read it  as I don't feel able to read properly through it right now, but wanted to send you and your little Epha's a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

The hug is  perfect, thank you  :hug:

Feeling better as time goes. All this emotional shifting is exhausting for sure. I think I am finally starting to get my energy back now that it is the day of my session *sigh*... I know this is all worth the work and exhaustion but sometimes I can't wait to be on break from the major work of it. I do truly think I deserve it and can settle into it. I think it will likely feel really weird not doing intense work on it but I am happy to be getting the chance to try it out soon.

On that note I have been doing to coordinating for school and my move. Things are getting real. I will be up there again on the 26-27th of April to look at apartments and interview for a job while I am at it. Will be a busy couple of days.

What makes me nervous is I am going on my own. Originally my roommate was taking the weekend to come visit apartments with me but she could not get the time off works. I don't mind the drive or anything, I think there is just a small piece of me that is worried about staying there by myself after what happened in February. It will have been exactly two months since the night I was assaulted there. I certainly won't stay in the same hotel or anything, but I will be by myself in the city again. I am not overwhelmed with fear or anything, just feeling slightly nervous and realizing what triggers could happen. It will be okay, and probably a good test for what I can handle. It will tell me if there is more I need to focus on before moving there, although leaving me little time to do so.

School stuff is coming together which is a huge plus. I got enough funding I can do what I need, I am making decisions in that realm best I can. It is still pretty foreign to me and I honestly probably need to ask for some solid advice before I do decide. I just want to crunch the numbers for myself first. I also can't officially accept anything until the end of the semester in May anyways. I likely won't finish making these decision until June but I want to have a basic idea before I move.

I am diving into a new life and new adventure in so many ways, feels good to be a bit more prepared than I was for my undergrad.

Things are getting real but I am still excited. There is a lot to do logistically but I am managing and just taking it as it comes. It will all work out and for once I have faith in that. So much has brought me here. I have done and am doing all the hard work to make this happen. It will be as I need it to be.



For the emotional stuff. I have been able to access my grief more fully. I don't think I am angry anymore. I have small moments but it normally just divulges into tears and pain instead of anger. I feel the deep ache of having been through so much in my life, of being surrounded by people that were cruel, or unable to protect me. I see the things I missed because of it, but I do also see the strength and insight it has given me. I see how much pain I went through and need to honor it, I just also do not need to stay in the pain 24/7. I can hold both the good and the bad of all of this. I can feel the lightness that comes with letting go of responsibility and blame... while also hold the pain that was caused by years of cruelty. I can feel the pieces of me that survived that, and came through despite every reason to fall apart and never get up.

The why me question has been off and on in my head since I was younger. I used to answer it by saying I was bad, and had done wrong. Now i know that to not be true. Maybe there isn't a reason, but if I wanted to answer "why me" I would say because I was strong enough to survive it. Because now I can use it to help others. I can use my lived experience and the strength it gave my heart to make the world a little bit better.

I am not sure if there is actually a reason because I am not truly sure what I believe about higher powers or the like, but if there was a reason that is what I would want it to be. I was strong enough to live through that when others probably would have crumbled, so there has to be a purpose to that. I could bear it so I did in order to help others now. It does not make it okay, but it gives me something to do with my experiences.

That feels repetitive but I think it just needs said in different ways so my emotions can do what I need.

Everything is shifting. If I had to name it I would call it integration (which is termed more fully in a book I am reading and teaching). Where all the emotional realizations are shifting into place so I can more fully see and mourn the whole of my experience. It brings so many insights and great realizations but my goodness it is tiring to have everything constantly trying to take shape.  :zzz:

Feeling just really unsettled today and scattered mentally. I know it is because my session left me feeling off center last night and felt unfinished. Also then just the amount of stuff I am trying to do all at once right now. It gets overwhelming when I am not completely centered...For the most part I can stay in that centered state enough to not feel overwhelmed. I am getting back to that center base line for me slowly, work just made it rather impossible. Hoping to self care tonight with a walk and then a bath. After that I will make a to do list and just break things down into small pieces. Work has been a constant stream of new information and to dos that kept me from doing my original list of things I intended to do today. Every time I have to do someone else's job it puts me more behind in my own and having another full day of that is irritating. Feeling kind of like a drama queen  :dramaqueen: but goodness I deserve to have needs and feelings.


There is a younger part of me that needs to be heard still from last nights session. I so rarely need to tell a story but I need to tell it, well that part of me does. She showed it to me yesterday while I was processing, I could sit with it replaying in my head and stay calm, understanding it needs to be witnessed in order for my younger self to let go of it. She stood up for her siblings, protected them, and got into a situation that could have killed her because of it.

Last night I said the words "I am tired of jumping in front of metaphorical cars for people"... and I am. I did it all of my life, jumping in front of danger to shield others always ending in multiplied pain and danger for me. In this instance I was terribly physically abused, not sexually (although that was frequent in my life)

*trigger warning*
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In this instance it could have killed me had the man been angry enough. I was 13 years old at the time, and was protecting my siblings from playing the game bloody knuckles with my uncle. I told him no that it was too dangerous for them to play (they were both younger than me and I had seen my Uncle play this game before). He let them both leave so he could talk to me. It resulted in a slap across the face, a beating and when I tried to crawl across the bed away from him, he pushed me against the head board and held his hand around my neck. Had he gotten angry enough I could have been gone in that moment. He wasn't but it terrified me more than I was willing to admit.


This also brings up a memory from when I was in college. I was at work (a restaurant at the time) and one of my coworkers who I had a decent relationship came up behind me, without warning and wrapped his hands around my neck. I instantly froze and was drug back to the place of fear I was in my memory. Now I did not know that until later but I went into a spiral because I felt that life threatening danger again.

Then again with Iowa more recently... There was a moment when he was laying on me and I felt like I couldn't get a full breath... like if he didn't move I would just not be able to breath because he was on my ribcage restricting that air.

There are others that come to mind in that same vein of thought.


*end trigger warning*


Had to get some of that out. I realize as I was processing that first memory last night I don't think the younger part of me ever left that process last night. It does not feel like she left that therapy office or ever stopped replaying that memory. Thus the overwhelm today. I have subconsciously been in that space and that danger again. I never left it last night. It's why I couldn't sleep, why I have had absolutely no focus or ability to multitask today. I was emotionally and subconsciously in that space.. and still am.. guess there is no was about it. That is where I am and it took me writing about it to realize. Normally it does not take so long, but I think it was easy to contribute it to everything else in my life right now. I have been handling that stuff like a pro though, busy and nerves but not the anxious panic like today.

Honestly just feel better knowing that is what it is. I have been frustrated with myself for being so off my game today when there is actually a solid reason.

 :hug:

Thank you Three Roses  :hug:

Honestly now that I am home and realize what happened I have started to come down from it. I feel the exhaustion from the EF but it is no longer comepltely taking me over. I just needed to name it so I could start to move out of it. I remember when these would knock me out for days but it has only just made me really tired this evening. There is progress even in this I guess.

I went through so much when I was younger and I can hold it much better but I am not meant to have it passively sitting in my head all day. *sigh*

I didn't read the memories that you wrote because I thought it would be too triggering for me right now. I do want to send you a supportive hug though  :hug:.

  :hug: :hug:

Thank you notalone the hugs were perfect

I am feeling a bit better today, less shame and guilt for the trigger than I was having. I felt really poorly Tuesday and Wednesday for struggling, like I should just be okay and should just be stronger. I have been facing this horrible memories full of violence and anger for a few months now, and until this point it has not taken it out of me. That is so huge and honestly a good sign of progress when I allow myself to reframe it that way. I can handle being asked to bring up pictures from multiple of my worst memories, and things that would have been overwhelming even just a year or 6 months ago.

Knowing I am moving forward and that life is truly changing in about a month is really I think putting some pressure on my ability to hold all of this better. I am about to start going to school to be a therapist and have my first Trauma Conference to attend at the end of next month. I am so thrilled to have been invited and glad to kick start off my journey into that world. It is a huge step into the life I want to lead, I want to be well enough to go forward and transition smoothly.

Something my T said struck me and I think I took it differently than she intended. I know logically she means well but there is a part of me that worries I am not deciding correctly. She told me that she did truly believe the best therapists are ones that are also doing their own work. I completely agree with that, and she did add on the fact that it didn't mean I would need to be doing therapy every week for the rest of my life, but that she did notice when she went too long without her own therapy she was not as good of a therapist because her own stuff would seep in a little bit unintentionally. Also something I know to be true from reading about it, and talking with other mental health professionals.

I am choosing to take a break from trauma therapy when I move. Not a forever break, but one that does not have a date one it. I have told myself I would revisit the idea at the end of my first semester and see how I felt about it. Giving myself time to settle into the new life and to just function normally for a while. Hearing her words after the kind of session I had on Monday just worried me that maybe I am taking time off too soon? I already worry that I am not ready enough or healed enough still... As things get closer i find those fears creeping in. I am still so young and know there is more work I could do, but I want to move forward into school and a career.. So I am jumping in, thinking I am well enough and have the skills I need but also worried about it.  :Idunno:

Everything is moving forward though and I need to keep going with that. I am looking at apartments on the 26th and 27th, I have job interview on the afternoon of the 27th and have another two GA position interviews lining up (although I do not have dates for that yet it will be next week).. I have my scholarship offer (half tuition) and the financial paperwork is all getting squared away.

We have exact moving dates, plans for how we are moving it, and they are starting to interview people to take over my job at work. It is all very real.

It is exciting that it is that real, but also very scary as I am leaping into the unknown soon. Life is changing in major ways and I am choosing to go with it.


I feel like the emotional shifts I am having add to the very real shifts in the other aspects of my life. I am in giant shift mode and it is exhausting and a lot but I find that one of my friends wisdom from forever ago sticks out. She always told me to let go and enjoy the ride a bit. That fighting the change would be so much harder than going with it. I think she was right. It is helping to go with it but it is scary being in the middle of it.

All the doubts and stress sound pretty normal to me - but I trust that you'll be listening to yourself in the midst of all the activity and will know if you need to check back in with a therapist. Even if it's only a visit or two. I think you're doing quite well. But that's just my opinion. 😉

Thanks, Three Roses  :hug:  I think the nerves are normal too, lots of life changes and that can be intimidating

Hi Elpha,
Wishing you the best with all of these things.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: :hug:


Life is just constantly moving and shaking right now. I am okay with that as long as I remember to not resist so much. This change and movement feels fast and scary, but it is also so exciting and exactly what I want. So I am trying to embrace it all and enjoy the process. Enjoying is the tricker part,... it is easy to get lost in the stress of coordinating all of this, and mapping logistics etc.

I am worried about going back into the space I was hurt two months ago, but less worried than I was. I am grateful for a friend that reminded me I can create pockets of safety in my life, no matter where I am I have that power. No matter what happens I have that power and am strong enough to use it. I was reminded that even if I got triggered it would not be the end of the world. I would work through it as I have anytime I got triggered and that would be okay. It has only been two months and that is the only time I have have been to the town. This time I can make more fun memories and help resource the good for the part of me that is skeptical. I will make a point to try to explore even in the busy schedule of my visit.

I did some processing on a major memory this week as well. It ha felt rather freeing to work through it and have it witnessed. We do a lot of EMDR, somatic etc that is less talking/sharing as the modalities don't need that. They tend to work more effectively than classic CBT type processing. However sometimes a story needs told to let go. So after processing it down to a really low level, I got to tell the story and have my therapist witness it back. Which by telling the story gave her an idea for some somatic work helping me to more fully physically release the memory. Which was very physically stuck come to find out, the somatic bits are always the hardest for me, I can control my mind and work that way a bit easier than I can process what my body feels. So it was really important work and I feel like very freeing work.

I can look at the memory now and recognize that it happened but not feel like I am brought back to those feelings. I can still breathe and be present in the moment. I could not have done that a year ago, or even really 6 months ago. Here's to progress I guess.  :Idunno:

Anyways just needed to type a few things out. Life feels like it is moving in all arenas and I am just kind of in the middle going with it. I am excited to get moved in to a new place and just have some time to rest. I don't get much but I get like 5 days to just unpack, rest, and settle into life before jumping into a conference, orientation, and a new job (I hope).

Hey flashlight,
I've missed you. I hope you are well.  I wanted to just say that and send you a  :hug: if it's ok.

DB this made my day  :hug: :hug: I miss you as well. Life has been a crazy rollercoaster recently so I haven't had the emotional energy to post much. Healing has been happening in giant ways, I am prepping to move in 2 1/2 weeks, and am working like crazy. Then just family stuff and the like.


Love the  :hug: always. Thank you for stopping by and saying hi  ;D

Been thinking of you knowing you have big adventures in front of you.

Thank you so much Notalone  :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on April 24, 2019, 02:28:23 PM
I am grateful for a friend that reminded me I can create pockets of safety in my life, no matter where I am I have that power. No matter what happens I have that power and am strong enough to use it. I was reminded that even if I got triggered it would not be the end of the world. I would work through it as I have anytime I got triggered and that would be okay.

I really think this is such a great reminder from your friend. 

You have lots of things to look forward to Elpha, and I hope that you will enjoy them and have a fulfilling experience in all arenas of your life. 

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: It was such a beautiful reminder.

I am excited to start enjoying all the new things on the horizon.  I will try to enjoy and embrace all of it the best I can.

 :hug: