Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you enjoy some restful sleep later.   
Hope 

[Sceal]

I hope you managed to get some sleep, and that you're feeling more refreshed today.
You've worked really, really hard lately! It's no wonder you're tired

[Blueberry]

I feel a bit spaced out today. But last night I slept about 11 hours. I obviously needed it. I actually woke up after 8 hours and did some skin-lotioning. My feet and hands are often pretty in need of it. Then fell asleep again 

Thanks for reminding me I've worked hard recently Sceal. That's the sort of thing I don'T really notice for myself.

[Sceal]

Thanks for reminding me I've worked hard recently Sceal. That's the sort of thing I don'T really notice for myself.

I think we all need this reminder. I think we all tend to forget, oversee or ignore how much energy we spend on the most mundane and normal things. And often we expect to perform to the same level as those without extra struggles.  At least to my experience

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

It is good to look back at your latest comments san and Sceal, thank you!! 

Yes, to the tendency to expect to perform to same level as others without these struggles. My T often gently reminds me not to expect this. I am getting a bit better though.

[Blueberry]

Expecting to perform to the same level - very appropriate to read this rn! I agreed to perform some contract work this evening of a type which is actually very, very difficult. I feel somewhat dissociated (with fear, rising panic) already. I realised a few hours ago that it is because of the unpredictability of the job for which I have to be prepared as best possible and still have to make last minute changes. I have to think all the time basically, never a break.

I feel as if I'm freezing internally. I will get through somehow, but it's good for me to also consider if I couldn't decline such work. Is the money worth feeling this bad? I guess I'll know better at the end of the evening.

I'm taking a break from moderating today. That's beneficial for giving me a break and also for realising how much I lean on the forum here, how much it means to me to be doing 'something useful' even though it sometimes really exhausts me. This is something for me to consider, it's not a criticism of anybody on here.

[Blueberry]

Something else: I didn't know where to write this so decided it's beneficial for me just to write it here and not tax my brain any further.

Today I feel ashamed when I see how many posts I've made on this forum. Yes, I know I respond to lots of other people's posts, so that's part of it. But if you look on the Employment board most of the newish threads were started by me.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I just wanted to say that I think you're brave and you're courageous too - and I am so glad that you have started new posts, because it's beneficial to all of us to see your posts and how you think about things and share your experiences, and I hope that it is beneficial and constructive to you to post - I've not noticed any particular frequency to it, but I am just grateful to you for being here. 

I just wanted to say that and also to extend a hug to you Blueberry  , if that's ok. 

Hope 

[Sceal]

Something else: I didn't know where to write this so decided it's beneficial for me just to write it here and not tax my brain any further.

Today I feel ashamed when I see how many posts I've made on this forum. Yes, I know I respond to lots of other people's posts, so that's part of it. But if you look on the Employment board most of the newish threads were started by me.

I have the same feeling as you. Just wanted to let you know I'm right here with you.
if it's okay?

[sanmagic7]

i'm with them, b, and with you on this.  i'm just glad you're here, i appreciate your posts, your insight, your perspective, your perceptions - all that good stuff that comes from you.   you're great.

good luck with your new contract.  i hope it goes smoothly for you.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much Hope, Sceal and san for your honest and kind answers and your hugs. Hugs are always great from all of you.

I survived my contract job this evening, san. People said I did well and thanked me for it but I can't tell that when i'm doing it, I just notice when I'm faltering or pausing or having other difficulties. I notice when I'm not perfect, to put it in a nutshell.

[Blueberry]

Today I'm noticing how good it is to have a brief break from moderating. It's good to let the forum look after itself / let the other mods deal. I'm hardly responding to other people's posts, thinking more about myself and just generally doing other things. I did get out of bed eventually even without having forum duty!

________________________

On the topic of shame about 'too many posts' - just honestly writing that I felt ashamed quite quickly helped me not to feel shame. So good for me to know, though I do already actually  Expressing the feeling and being acknowledged in and with it is helpful!

It's interesting that you feel ashamed for the same reason Sceal because I never noticed you posting 'too much' at all and as Mod I'd be more likely to notice than the other way round! Just because as Mod you regularly check the whole board, from above bird's eye view, you don't read everything. But you'd think I'd notice if somebody other than me was overposting. No. Didn't occur to me in the slightest. And you're not, Sceal, don't worry.

So for me it means it's an EF. I can imagine where it comes from, roughly. Don't want to go into any memory. Oh, it's the topic of taking up too much space and/or making myself potentially noticeable combined with "I'm not allowed to make a mistake." But that's nonsense! I am allowed to make mistakes!

[sanmagic7]

yes, you are, my dear.  and i'm so glad that writing it out actually helped all by itself.  i love it when it works like that.

keep taking care of you.  you're number one, after all.  love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

I remember writing here somewhere about taking up my own space e.g. the space outside my office, instead of letting everybody else in the building store junk there. Today I came out of my office to see my 2 chairs which are clearly marked as 'waiting area' for my customers piled on top of each other, so not usable, to make way for an old fridge.  I did feel annoyed and that was physically apparent to me. I've since moved one chair so the other one can be used.

Otherwise I decided to take a few deep breaths and calm down those annoyed feelings. Since I'm moving my office back into my apartment in the next few months this is a battle I don't feel like dealing with any more.

There's another battle, but not external. The other battle is making usable space for me inside my apartment. It's really difficult for me to make space among all my piles and then to keep the space free so I can do things there. Sit on a chair, work at the table etc.