Sligeanach's journal

[Armee]

Beautiful concept.

The idea of removing the, well, the ego (alter or otherwise) out of the whole thing. Just to let Loving-Kindness flow from hand to hand. Freely.

[Hope67]

Just to let Loving-Kindness flow from hand to hand. Freely.

I agree with Armee, that is a beautiful concept.
Hope 

[sligeanach]

Well... Here we are. Made it through the holidays. I'm working on my vulnerability, trust, collaboration. That sort of thing.

It's so much work to breathe into the fear, terror really, and accept it. Just breathing in and out, acknowledging and living in the fear, and trying to observe there is no danger right now.

It's a lot of work.

[Hope67]

Hi Sligeanach,
I'm glad that you made it through the holidays.  I think they're always a challenging time of year.

Working on vulnerability, trust and collaboration are massive things, and I wish you the best with doing that.  I found your words 'It's so much work to breathe into the fear, terror really, and accept it' to be powerful - as you encapsulated something that I relate to very much.  'Trying to observe there is no danger right now' - I agree with you that it's a lot of work. 

Hope 

[sligeanach]

Hi Hope, thank you and I wish you the best as well

[sligeanach]

Chronic problems are so much harder than acute ones. It's easy to be motivated to fix an immediate crisis. But to deliberately stir up problems and work on them when things are tolerable? Not so easy.

Perhaps if my baseline requirements were "satisfactory" instead of "ok"

[sligeanach]

It's extraordinary how suddenly and completely the terror can strike, threatening to overwhelm.

Years and years I tried to muscle through it, stamp it down, block it out, and it nearly destroyed me.

breathe it, breathe into it, breathe through it, breathe it in, breathe it out

[sligeanach]

There's two of me: there's "this guy" and then there's "that guy"

Every moment that I'm not actively deciding to be "this guy" every moment, every single moment... I'm "that guy"

I'm pretty sure, at least I hope, that "this guy" is the really real me, and "that guy" is conditioning, early trauma and training.

To reiterate: if I'm not being "this guy" then I'm being "that guy"

[sligeanach]

"Is the dark side stronger?"

"No. Quicker, easier, more seductive."

[sligeanach]

Goofus and Gallant

[Armee]

You make a very good point about how every moment we have to choose to be the version of ourselves that is our true self and not trauma self. I'll try to remember this way of thinking about it, to help me.

[sligeanach]

Smaller than a mustard seed

The crystal shard fit in the palm

[paul72]

There's two of me: there's "this guy" and then there's "that guy"

Every moment that I'm not actively deciding to be "this guy" every moment, every single moment... I'm "that guy"

doesn't that just sum things up perfectly.... I guess I am not alone in that.. and either are you
Thanks for sharing

[sligeanach]

Violence is a maladaptive reaction to the fear of pain

I cannot oppose violence, because opposition is violence

Why do I fear pain? What do I fear? It is a mortal terror, I fear the extinguishing of myself.

Why do I fear the extinguishing of myself? I have faith that pain can extinguish myself.

Why do I have faith that pain can extinguish myself?
Has it ever?
I've experienced much pain, and then grief, sorrow, anger and fear.
But never yet has pain extinguished myself.

[sligeanach]

There's two of me: there's "this guy" and then there's "that guy"

Every moment that I'm not actively deciding to be "this guy" every moment, every single moment... I'm "that guy"

doesn't that just sum things up perfectly.... I guess I am not alone in that.. and either are you
Thanks for sharing

Hi Phil. it seems to be a basic reaction to violence: A fracturing of the person