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How do you all even try to come to terms with trauma in your childhood if you have no reference points for how it was supposed to be and learned coping mechanisms which blank all feelings about it all out?

Slowly, one step at a time with help from other survivors, a therapist who knows about abuse and neglect and CPTSD, and anyone else who is prepared to support you with compassion, validation and care including adult you helping younger you. As survivors most of us know what life should have been like as as children and because what we went through was diametrically opposed to that we blank out memories and feelings so we can survive. Coming to terms with our pasts is difficult to be sure; part of the solution is to reach out here just like you have done. 

That sounds lovely San.

I love the sounds of all the song birds, frogs not so much.

So friends in warmer parts of Canada are telling me about all the lovely spring flowers, trees leafing out, etc and here we are just growing snow. We do get to be a bit smug during the winter though because we have lovely warm Chinooks that break up winter and teases us that spring is on the way (it's not).

Soon though, soon.   

 

It is lovely isn't it?!

But my father did terrible things during my life and so did my mother who allowed him. I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this.

I think you have your answer as to why you are as you are. No child who is subjected to ongoing abuse/neglect comes out unscathed sadly. It's 100 percent nothing you did or didn't do or who you are that brought it on, it's solely their demons and bad choices.

It may become less difficult to talk about all that happened as you go along and learn you are safe in therapy and sharing here. It can take a minute and patience though because we do tend to guard ourselves to save ourselves any further pain.   

 

Hi and welcome to OOTS Dalloway, very glad you found your way here.  It can help a lot to know you are not alone and that it is not you, but what happened to you at the hand of another or others. We do tend to experience a lot of shame and it's so undeserved, so absolutely wrong. Hopefully as we band together and get the word out about this type of abuse/neglect that happens mostly behind closed doors in secret, our perpetrators will think twice about doing anything to anyone else. 

Anyway I hope you find is helpful being here.

ON no NK, so sorry to hear this but glad you are getting the best of care.  I hope they will chase that pneumonia right out of you!

Big, warm

[absolutely]

Hello and a warm welcome to OOTS Ceit. I am so sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered and totally understand why you're feeling the way you are. There are many CSA survivors here and hopefully you will feel comfort and support from them, from all of us really. 

First thing I hope you'll hear is that you are not disgusting, the person or people who abused you is/are. We end up feeling guilty, ashamed and disgusting when it is absolutely not us who should be feeling that way, it is our abusers. 

Part of recovery is putting responsibility back when it belongs, on them and knowing and accepting that as little kids we did not have the power to stand up to them. That's why they do it; because they can. Adult you can help that younger part of you learn this and be comforted and protected by you.

You are safe here to talk about what you went through and how it has left you feeling. 

That's good to hear Slashy.  I love the image of two porcupines trying to hug BTW, so true for a lot of us.

I hope things continue to go well!

I feel lost, disgruntled, sad/sad/sad, i.e. 'normal.'

I had this thought when I read this sentence WG that maybe we need to slip back into how we used to be once in a while? That how we used to be is a little bit comforting in a strange kind of way?  Just spitballing but there's the saying that old habits die hard which I think is about what I'm suggesting, that our old habits are comforting or at least familiar.

I don't know if this helps but perhaps it means there is something in the progress you have made in recovery that is a bit scary or unsettling? It may help to look at that possibility and work with your T to reassure inner/younger you it's ok for things to change.

Just some thoughts.

 

It is difficult Rizzo and it takes time to believe it which is one reason for coming here.  Writing about how you feel and having others confirm that you are trained to feel that way over and over helps defuel that belief. It takes time and hearing over and over it is NOT your fault from fellow survivors who started off believing it was them and came to see it was not. It sets into your inner self at some point.

I hope this gives you some hope that you will feel better. 

Tks Dina!

OK Dina, done.