I'm not sure where this is going to go...
Dear Dad,
The images that come to my mind of you are scary. I see you looming over me, angry, seething, clearly want to beat the crap out of me. Instead of actual physical violence you used weaponized words and intimidation.
I should say you usually didn't use physical violence. But sometimes you did. You used physical violence against my brother. I still remember a horrible night of you beating him up when he was either drunk or on drugs. What did that solve? I do remember you picking me up by the arm and hitting me when I was little. To this day I wonder if my right shoulder hurts because of that.
You used violence against us for reasons I do not understand. Why did you have kids? And so many? You clearly weren't ready or capable of raising children in a healthy manner. Based on what I see of my grandparents through adult eyes I imagine they were not good parents either. You have caused so much harm. My siblings and I can barely stand to look each other in the eye now. We barely speak to each other. Do you know why?
I don't feel any interest in having a relationship to you. You berated me, yelled at me, assumed the worst of me. You put me down when I tried to stand up and then say to me now "why don't you stand up for yourself?" Are you serious? Are you really confused why?
I am still shaken by the experience in the car about 5 years ago. You said my grandfather was dying so I flew out to see him. That isn't really what happened. He lived and you had to continue supporting him and grandma. You were stressed. As was I for my own reasons. Yet why did you yell at me when my mother decided to stir the pot? Why did she wait until we were all trapped in a car together to ask me a question I had no chance of answering "correctly?" Why was I not allowed to push her hand away when she touched my arm after making me cry? Why did you call me a "f@&ing pussy" for crying? Why did it feel like you wanted to push me out of a moving vehicle? Why are you surprised when I flinched later in the day when you tried to make up for that?
I don't know how I survived growing up. I don't know where I am finding the courage now to face all this. I don't know how I am going to navigate our relationship moving forward. I don't know what else to say. I hope that I can heal the pain you caused.
Me