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The whole thing IS strange, so your perception is correct.   It WAS strange the way we had to grow up.  It WAS strange, all those bizarre behaviors from our "caregivers" instead of loving behaviors.   It IS strange that those flashback feelings insinuate themselves into our minds and our lives as if they are happening now.  And, facing up to them like what you are doing, is exactly what we all need to do.  I don't believe in the "fantasy" of abuse.  I trust my mind, and if I flash onto a flashback feelings as if it is current, with my heart pounding, and my mouth dry, and my brain spinning,  wondering to whether  flee, fight, or "fawn" as Pete Walker puts it, I know that it happened.  I try to trust myself.  In my personal opinion, it is strange, and you memories are real, but, I am no professional.

Just sayin'.  Keep trying.  You go.

I can relate to what you have written.  I recently turned 70, and of all things found myself again, waking up with the pounding heart and a black feeling of dread after years of freedom from it.    In my refusal to live like this any longer, I discovered this group, Pete Walker's 13 Steps to take when having a flashback, and Arielle Schwartz's "The Complex PTSD Workbook, in which she delineates CPTSD symptoms of Avoidance, Intrusion (flashbacks)  and Depression.  In each section she offers exercises one can do to contain and manage the flashback (panic attack).  I can see how in time, these exercises can be used for prevention also.   You can download both these books on kindle for about $9.00, and then do a search for what's hurting you.  For example you could do a search for panic attack, or, panic attack exercises, and the book will pull up all exercises for panic attacks. 

I am not in a position to recommend, but these 3 things are helping me healthfully cope with this latest spate of symptoms.   I wish you well.
     

Her videos are helping so much.  I appreciated how she spoke about the changes and how meaning changes. I do believe in God, grew up in the church, and I have a horrible, fetid relationship with God, Jesus, Holy Spirit et al.   I hope I can find a group here whose members have issues with belief and with God as a result of their trauma.  I too am wondering about who, in the this city does this kind of therapy.

Dear  Boatsetsailrose
     Thank you for connecting with me with all of these suggestions which I will try.  I will certainly read The Body Keeps the Score, and remember to use magnesium salts, because there is some pain involved.  I always feel like I have low grade flu symptoms. 
       I have done kinesiology, (muscle testing?) and it has, at the very least, saved me a lot of money as I was throwing one supplement or medication after another at this thing.  I didn't know it was CPTSD then.  I didn't know CPTSD even existed.
       For now, I am out of money for body work, somatic work, other therapies. but it is always on my list when I can earn a little bit more money.  Write now I am reading "The CPTSD Workbook"  by Arielle Schwartz who provides some great exercises for dealing with Avoidance, Intrusion, and Depressive thoughts and behaviors. It is a fairly simple book.  And most importantly, I am reaching out of my "bubble" in this most helpful group. 
   It's just good to be able to talk about it.  It is like releasing the steam out of a pressure cooker, little by little.   
   
   Thank you again for your generous and very timely suggestions and support.

Dear sanmagic7, 
Thank you for connecting with me about your legs, which sounds almost exactly like my legs.  They started going out about 2 years ago, after the first family reunion my sibs and I have ever had.  The parents are gone forever, but not forgotten, and my dear sisters and brother and I met with most of our grown children.  It was a wonderful occasion, and, when the four of us, my sibs and I talked alone and among ourselves, the topic turned to the quality of our parenting, and of course the quality of our upbringing.  As adults, we have always been very open about the damages, and the victories, and, we all "get" each other.

So, when I returned from the reunion, even after having had such a wonderful, warm, loving time, soon after, my legs began to give way, I began to feel a deep and sweeping exhaustion that has persisted for 2 years, and now affects what I can, and cannot get done.

Doctors can find absolutely nothing wrong with me, and so I am beginning to believe that this weakness is a somatic message, and I am beginning to think that my nerves, after the years of child and adolescent abuse, failed marriages, and more, are breaking down after all.   I put myself to bed believing that soon I would be better, but that is beginning to be counterproductive. 

I also just turned 70.  I feel like I am missing a developmental milepost, or, that I am missing out on something important. So, I am so grateful you are here.  Despite this writing, despite my legs and that yucky feeling,  I have a life.  I wonder what the milepost is?  Since I know now about CPTSD, I don't want to miss out on another developmental step.  Thank you again for your help.

Dear Candid,
Thank you so much for your helpful comments.  It is wonderful to know that there are people here who are in my age group.  The time has come for me to reach out to others with this same condition to try to connect better, not only with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder  ( in my case "Chronic Traumatic Terror Disorder" ha ha),  but with others who are dealing with this too, in an effort to stop the silent and secret war inside of me.  I do believe in the power of a group.

It is wondrous that this site exists.   

Welcome!   I would like to say that you are right!  It isn't you - it was always them - the sick abusers.   I wish you luck.  I have been fighting this since 6 years old, when, somewhere in my mind I knew that my parents were crazy.  I actually remember saying that to myself.  I also remember telling myself to stay away from both of them.  And, still, at 70 years old I am fighting again. But I would rather fight than give up.   

Thank you for your warm welcome.  I tend to isolate and perseverate on feeling terrified, and trying to manage symptoms.  I keep a low profile everywhere, because I have never been able to get over, or through, or around the symptoms, let alone heal them, so out there in the real world,  I stick to language about the subject I teach, and not stick around for much socialization when the teaching day is done. I just don't want anybody to see the damage in cognition, or anyting else.  So, I welcome this opportunity for outreach.

I am very glad you are here, and I can barely believe I found a site that is focused on CPTSD.  Sometimes I cynically call what I have Chronic Traumatic Terror Disorder.  I hope I can connect with the member who has this weak legs sensation.     

Thank you for your replies, and I look forward to connecting more with you.

  Hi Everyone.  I'm new here, and feeling grateful that I found this group.
              I am relieved that I have a diagnosis or designation of CPTSD, which answers the question:  "What is the matter with me?" and just the knowledge about the symptoms takes a lot of stress away.  The CPTSD began at six years old. 
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TRIGGER ALERT:
I witnessed a horribly violent act from my mother upon my little sister of three years old, and I had to stand in front of my little sister, or there would have been a fatality.  Our mother had escalated in violence over a period of 3 years, and my sister could have been a poster child for child abuse.  As for me, the mother used abandonment, and lack of connection.  Both parents were violent and sexually abusive and it went on for many years, and finally stopped when I left home, and my younger sibs were out of danger.
END TRIGGER ALERT:
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     I have spent years and enough money to buy 2 homes with therapists who meant very well, and they were very safe, but they had very little or no concept of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Chronic Stress Disorder.  Their offices were refuges of safety for me.   I made progress in integration, and after quite a few years, I left therapy for a break.
    These past two years have been very hard.  I have chronically felt shaky, and weak, and spend too much time in bed.  I am able to function as a teacher, and a grandmother, but I always feel like my legs are going to give out on me, and that I need to get to bed.  The doctor can't find anything wrong with me, but unless it is a matter of work, or childcare, I am otherwise in bed, and now it is greatly altering my once active lifestyle.  I am seventy years old, and I am wondering if it is a matter of age.     
      Whatever it is, it has been going on for 2 years now. Sometimes I feel frightened if not terrified that I will never be able to enjoy life again.